Birds of a Feather: Nevermore

WARNING: The following contains spoilers for Steel Komodo's major plot. Only click this if you're really sure you want to know about the cartoonishly evil jerks you're going to fight this year. Otherwise, steer clear!

We clear? Now gimme five.

Viva Las Vegas

WARNING: The following is really fucking long. Read only when you have the spare time. And also something to drink.

~THE PITBROS HOUSE, MANHATTAN~

"Aaaand... check."

"Alright!" whooped Dirk as he threw his last bag into the back of the car. "All set and ready!"

Pit nodded, smiling. Finally, everything was ready. After months of preparation, planning and... not getting too excited, everything was ready for their third big excursion. This time, the ZFS Corporation had settled down in Las Vegas, looking to branch out into big-budget hotels and nightlife entertainment on top of all it's over services, and the Pitbros. knew the other Kobbers would be right behind. It hadn't been hard to find the new King of Beasts - the combined hotel, lounge and casino resort had been advertised literally everywhere one could advertise such a thing. And where the King of Beasts went, the angels would go, naturally.

As Dirk headed round the car to add his computer back to the collection in the back seat, Pit looked up just in time to see Utsuho emerging from the house, her own small bag slung over one shoulder. The older brother had made sure to pack her suitcase in with the others in the trunk of the car, so the Hell Raven didn't have as much to bother carrying from the house.

"You ready?" grinned Pit.

"Yeah," responded Utsuho, holding up her own bag. "I've got everything!"

 "Alright, hop in." And Pit opened the passenger door, allowing Utsuho to walk down and climb into the seat. Then, as Dirk found his own place in the back, Pit circumnavigated the car and clambered into the driver's seat, ensuring he was well-seated before shutting the door.

"You excited to go?" he asked as he buckled up. "I know Vegas isn't going to be like anything you've been to before, so hopefully you'll enjoy it!"

"Yep!" Utsuho seemed to positively radiate excitement. "I mean, I know you took me to Manhattan, but you said it's a lot different from Vegas, so I'm really wondering what it'll be like!"

"Yeah, I've never been, either!" A grin split Pit's face as he pulled out the Satnav. "This is gonna be a new experience for both of us!"

"Not to mention getting married, too!" Dirk shot back. "Hope you guys booked a decent venue - if they don't do shots, I'm out!" Pit just rolled his eyes at that - maybe asking Dirk to be the best man wasn't the brilliant idea it had seemed at the time.

Utsuho turned a little red. "Eheheh... yeah, I'm looking forward to that... Oh what are you planning on doing, Dirk?" she queried, turning around to face Dirk where he sat.

The dark angel shot her a lewd grin. "More like who," he chuckled.

"Dirk, please," groaned Pit, facepalming.

"But yeah, I'm meeting up with Jo once we get there," clarified the younger angel. "She's been itching to go for ages - wants to challenge all the casinos, I bet." He grinned, knowing that his girlfriend's love of money was one feature he was more than happy to support - especially in a place like Vegas.

 "Huh, didn't expect that out of her..." Utsuho took the time to mull that one over, before brightening up. "Well, hopefully she'll do a good job of it!"

"Don't worry, I'll be behind her all the way."

"Of course you will." Unfazed completely by yet another of Dirk's puns, Pit finished typing in the adress, and then hit the ignition button. At once, the car roared into life, almost as eager to get going as it's occupants were, and the sound seemed to lend some life into the white-winged angel. He gripped the steering wheel with expectant fervour and turned to his riding companions, eyes shining with excitement. "

"Alright," he called out, "we ready for off?"

"Yep!" was Utsuho's response. "I'm ready whenever you guys are!"

"Then off we go!" And with that, Pit pulled the car out of the driveway, swung it around with practiced ease, and then set off with no small amount of tire squeal down the road that lead out of the neighborhood and, eventually, Manhattan.

"Cocaine and booze," crowed Dirk, "here we come!"

"Dirk, please."

Hail to the King (Part 4)

Sam's day had, in a nutshell, gone down the drain.

It had started out okay, really. Christine, as part of the plan to gather more members of the 44, had drawn up a map and told him to basically meander down a path whilst the others split up in search of more help. The reason she'd given was that they would be able to quickly gather forces, supplies and more, whilst Sam, who didn't really know the land at all, would just head to the place where they would all meet up and act as a signpost. Then they would all just head back to where they were needed and get ready to kick the Magpies out.

Sam was fine with that - meandering was something he'd done a lot, back in his home world. Often, he and his troupe would do just that, wandering between villages and looking for problems to solve when the Kingsguard wasn't badgering him to kill the latest maniacal warlord or whatever. And one of the nice things about meandering was that it didn't require life-or-death decisions or unnecessary pain. Nobody tried to randomly attack you

Or so he thought, until the quintet of strangers jumped him when passing by some ruins.

The first thing he knew about it was when a massive slab of concrete came hurtling out of nowhere at him. He didn't even question it at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight, he had to wonder just how it got here - he wasn't even aware there was anyone who knew how to make concrete! Regardless, he let his reflexes do the talking, pulling out the Grandius and swinging before he had time to even think about what exactly he was doing, or how ridiculous it was going to look. Thankfully, the latter never even crossed his mind - if it did, he probably would have been reduced to a jammy paste on the floor.

Long story short, he cut the concrete in half, and let the two halves crash to the ground on either side of him. Standard procedure - he'd done it enough times in his career that he'd got it down pat. Now, all he had to do was to find the guy responsible and lecture him about proper concrete-throwing safety, so he wouldn't have to do it again. Maybe it'd be just some big, dumb brute, like a minotaur or giant, who had been playing stepping stones. Or maybe it'd be some megalomaniac idiot testing his new concrete-throwing weapon - wouldn't be the first time.

So when the man dressed in the Kevlar-paneled bodysuit stepped forward, he was somewhat disappointing.

The man didn't look like much, in all honesty. Close-cropped brown hair, angular face and green eyes presented a rather plain appearance. All that really stood out about him was the way the ground seemed to quiver beneath his feet as he walked, as well as what he was wearing. And once again, hindsight kicked him in the butt as, only a few moments later, would he recognize the insignia of the spread-winged, two-headed crow-like bird upon the chestplate of the outfit. Really, it had not been one of Sam's days for quick thinking.

"Sorry about that," said the stranger as he came into view. "I wasn't really aiming for you."

"Well, I should hope not," Sam retorted as he straightened up. "You don't just throw concrete about like-"

"No," responded the man, patiently. "That was meant to be the signal. But my throwing's not so good, you see."

Quite Contrary, Faceless

It had started like any other day. Daniel was in the living room, enthused by Top Gear reruns on the grounds that there was nothing better to watch that day. Robbie, having completed his homework for the day, was engaging Crusoe in the morning newspaper's Sudoku challenges, although the not-a-cat had more than once complained about how easy the challenges were. And Carol was putting out the garbage - technically it was Daniel's turn, but he'd done it for two weeks and had complained vehemently about it, as was his style.

So here she was, lifting the lid of the bin and wrinkling her nose at the awful smells within. Ugh, there was a whole medley of stuff in here - the takeaway pizza from last night, that lasagne she couldn't finish, bits of fish, the piri piri sauce Daniel had taken one bite of and ran screaming from the room... Someday, they were going to give that bin a proper wash-out. But for now, the technopath concentrated on throwing the bag in and shutting the lid, pushing it down a bit to help it fit properly.

It occurred to her, at that moment, that the bird feeders needed refilling. They'd been brought recently, and Robbie enjoyed looking out of the back window and watching starlings, blackbirds and more gather around them and peck away at the seed within. So instead of heading straight back indoors, Carol turned around and headed down the side path, down to modest back garden that saw the brunt of the spring sun. The feeder hung by a wire on the fence at the other side of the garden, and the redhead had to cross the whole length of the grass so she could reach the feeder and unhook it.

Then she made the mistake of looking over the back fence.

At first, she thought it was just another one of the scraggly trees, lined up in neat rows in the field beyond. But she blinked, and it had moved forward by several meters, and then her brain began to register several things in a mad, cold rush of terror. Firstly, it wasn't even the same moss-dotted brownish-green colour as the other trees trees - only white and black, with a hint of red. Secondly, it was still moving, in a wobbly, foot-dragging and arm-swinging fashion that suggested it was too top-heavy for it's own good.

Third, it was moving right towards her.

Meal Ticket

~SCOOPA KOOPA'S, LAS VEGAS~

Nine in the morning, and Scoopa Koopa's was just opening up. Through windows marred by grease, an observer would notice the lights being turned on in the kitchen area, bathing the rest of the restaurant in sickly yellow light. The chintzy plastic tables had been wiped and polished, the checkerboard floor mopped thoroughly and the counter-tops disinfected with healthy doses of sprays of various brands. Now, the staff were hard at work behind the kitchen, rattling utensils and banging cupboards as they prepared for the day ahead of them, be it slow or busy. The ovens and grills hummed eagerly, the fryer sizzled with anticipation and a fine, toothsome smell of greasy food came wafting from the air vents.

As did the shouting.

"Hurry up with those fries, dino-brain! The customers can't wait forever!"

The staff didn't actually talk much. Being pseudo-dinosaurs of various fantastical species, speech was not really their forte, limited only to demands for orders and cash. They weren't the type to hold conversation around the grill, or complain about their mortgage payments, or anything that the average human working in a diner like this would do - they were more used to working in silence, if anything. So there was only one gruff, growling voice barking insults and orders at them, and that could only come from one source.

"Move it, ya mooks!" bellowed Koopa as he stomped through the kitchen, shooting impatient glares at everyone and everything. He was in a bad mood today, and the reptilian workers around him could sense it - it radiated off him like the stench off a rotten egg, filling the entire room in an atmosphere of ominous anticipation. Knowing their boss' temper all too well, the dinos kept their heads down, hoping that by just doing as told, they'd escape notice and avoid the verbal abuse that came from the massive green turtle monster looming over them. Normally, this worked as Koopa was usually too wrapped up in his own ugly thoughts to pay much attention to what his workers did.

Sadly, on this occasion, it didn't help them.

"I'll need more eggs than that!" growled the former King of Darklands as he rounded a counter. "Get your tails in gear and-" His ranting stopped abruptly as he caught sight of something out of place on the counter-top - a near-empty plastic bottle, the bottom lined with remnants of red gunge. After staring at it for a moment or two, Koopa quickly swiped it up in one massive paw and turned to his work-force, brandishing the bottle furiously as he vented his anger once more.

"BUGS-FOR-BRAINS!" he roared, making each and every dinosaur jump in fright. "Which of you forgot to refill the tomato sauce?!"

For an awful while, nobody said a word. Replying to a bad-tempered Koopa was like driving a glacier through the eye of a needle, and nobody really felt like taking responsibility for this particular mistake. So when somebody finally found their voice, they resorted to the usual trick - lying their ugly reptilian face off.

"It was Marty!" that someone piped up, pointing a trembling claw at the Rex next to him. "He was on condiment duty yesterday!"

"I was not!" protested his companion with an indignant growl. "I was on mopping duty! You were on condiment duty, Zack!"

Koopa rolled his eyes as the two continued to bicker. Whilst lying was, in his opinion, an excellent trait, it was a skill that took refinement and practice over the years. And as far as he was concerned, these dinosaurs were absolute greenhorns at it. It couldn't have been more obvious if you'd painted them purple and stood them on top of the Eiffel Tower. Coupled with his current surly mood, the former tyrant was getting more and more exasperated with his own staff by the minute.

"Y'know what?" he cut in, shutting the both of them up. "I've suddenly realized I don't care. Just refill this stinking thing, or I'll make Special Scoopa Sauce outta the both of ya!" With practiced ease, he pitched the empty ketchup dispenser across the kitchen, and the two dinos nearly fell over themselves trying to catch it, shoving each other back and forth in their efforts to outdo each other. When one of them succeeded in catching the bottle in his claws, he quickly scurried out of the room via the back door, hastily followed by his equally-terrified companion.

Koopa gave an ugly chuckle to watch the two flee, but with a single sigh he was back to his former dour mood. The empty ketchup, he knew, was just another symptom of the restaurant's struggle to stay afloat in the crowded mass of lights and excess that was Las Vegas. There was little space for a small, greasy, overpriced diner like his in a world where half the hotels came with their own bar and restaurant pre-installed, and it seemed that fewer and fewer suckers- er, customers were coming here nowadays. Who wanted to bite into a delicious Egg Scoopa Koopa when they could just order a three-course meal via room service?

I gotta do something, the ill-mannered monarch thought as he surveyed the kitchen. Or this place - and my reputation - is gonna go down the drain!

Drat, he mentally added with a shudder, I just made myself think about those pesky pulmbers again. Ugh...

"Mister Koopa, sir?"

Irritated at having his mental spiel interrupted, Koopa whirled his masive green bulk around. "Whaddya want?" he snapped.

The Rex who'd addressed him flinched, but then recovered himself in short order. "Um... just got today's paper, sir. It's about the Zoofights Corporation - they're moving here within the month."

"...And why the Koop," asked Koopa with a raised eyebrow, "should I care? I've got food to sell, money to make! I ain't got time to muck around with some company that doesn't even know what it's doing anymore!" Something inside him cringed, for reasons he couldn't explain, but he brushed them off as Un-Koopa-like.

"See for yourself, sir!" The Rex quickly held up the paper, already a little crumpled from being carried around so roughly. Quickly snatching it away, Koopa yanked the flimsy pages open, nearly ripping them in the process, and took a good look at the major article within it. And just as he was about to lose interest, because it was going on and on about business ventures and other boring things he didn't care about, a paragraph caught his yellow eye.

"Of course, it is no mere speculation that the famous Kobbers, who's name and presence are just as important a fixture as the King of Beasts name, will be making an appearance this year. This motely legion of assorted extraterrestrials, superhumans, millionaires and more have always been present at ZFC's many industrious outings, and have beaten back many an unusual, over-the-top and convoluted threat time and time again. How will our band of evil-defeating, justice-upholding, ridiculous-loads-of-cash-spending adventuers adapt to the glamor of Vegas? And what additions and departures can we expect from-"

"Um... sir?"

"Huh? What?" Koopa quickly shook the dollar signs from his eyes. "What did you say?"

"Are you alright, sir?" The Rex was now looking rather puzzled. "You seemed to space out for a minute there. And you were drooling," he added resentfuly, pointing to a large puddle that had mysteriously formed on the ground.

"Never mind that!" snapped the former king, putting on his old grouchy persona. "Just clean that mess up!" But as the befuddled staff member waddled away to fetch the bucket and mop,he failed to notice his boss turning towards his own office, cackling and rubbing his hands. It wasn't just dollar signs in his eyes - it was plans and plots as well, hatching like eggs and turning like gears in his head. For a brief moment, Koopa was feeling like his old kingly self again.

"Looks like Scoopa Koopa's" he cackled to himself, "is gonna be Koopin' on up!"

INTRODUCING

Harvey Atkin as the voice of "KING" KOOPA

Shinobiman: Commercial Break

"Stay tuned! Shinobiman will be back after these messages!"

Our story begins with our plucky protagonist, Kaneda "K.K." Kagome, sitting down to dinner at his usual hangout of Burger Bear's! It's his favourite lunch once again - the classic Triple Decker Cheeseburger, complete with fries and an ice-cold shake to quench his thirst. And it is clear that as he bites into his beloved burger, there is no better pleasure in life for our hungry hero than the simple act of eating.

"Mmmh," he appreciately moans, mouth full of food. "These burgers are as Ninja-mazing as ever!"

Just then, a puff of smoke to the side startles our hero, nearly making him drop his meal! It's Sensei, still in his martial arts attire despite the casual setting of the restaurant, and nobody seems to bat an eyelid at his amazing appearance. Maybe ninjas are just a routine thing in Sleepy Bay now.

"Ah, but Grasshopper," intones Sensei, bowing low, "the Shadow Clan knows of a much greater pleasure than your simple snack!"

K.K. can't help but roll his eyes at his mentor's words. "What would that be? A bowl of rice?"

"Of course not!" Sensei seems to simply laugh off the casual racism here, before reaching into his robe and yanking out a wonderous device - like a clamshell, but bedecked in the familiar black-and-red of the legendary Shinobiman's attire! With a strange plastic sheen and a simple, unassuming design, it could easily pass for a legendary weapon of the ninja itself!

"I mean this!" declares the martial arts master. "The Shinobiman Secret Technique Burger Maker! The ancient ninja art of creating delicious burgers with a hidden surprise inside!" As he speaks, images of burgers fly across the screen - burgers cut open to reveal various ingredients inside the burgers, rather than on top as in a normal burger! Oh, and don't forget those action lines and epic, swooshing sound effects right from the show itself!

"Watch," continues Sensei, now suddenly balancing a chef's hat on his head, "as use the ancient arts to turn a boring old burger into a sensational Secret Technique burger!" And in a quick-cut, yet easy to see process, we watch as he completes the outlined steps required to form this fabulous food! He firstly folds the machine one way to form hollow pockets of burger meat, fills them up with various ingredients, and then folds it another way to seal the burger closed, all in a matter of moments! And then, with a flip of the hand and a blast of Shinobi Fire, the wonderous warrior has in front of him a seemingly unassuming burger - but one, we all know, with a difference!

"Try this, Grasshopper!" Sensei offers the finished product to his skeptical student, who immediately grabs it and takes a bite from it. The results are more than conclusive - the burger-loving boy's eyes sparkle in over-the-top anime fashion, and hearts materialise around his head as the food's flavours hit him right where it counts - the tongue!

"Secret bacon and cheddar technique!" cries out K.K. in ecstasy. "That's Shinobi-tastic!"

Just then, a hideous shape bursts through the wall of the restaurant, spraying dust all over the place! Finally, people think to take notice of the unusual occurances, and flee in fear as the bulky form strides into the establishment! To nobody's surprise, it's that dastardly demon Lord Kroak, and his fearsome face shows that he's got evil on his mind, as usual!

"Fun's over, shrimps!" he bellows as he marches to the counter, grabbing the terrified waiter-boy by the lapels in one pudgy paw. "My belly needs burgers, and I need 'em now!"

Of course, if you think our hero is going to remain idle whilst this devious deed occurs, you'd be all wrong and a bag of potato chips! As the terrible toad continues to terrify the serving staff, K.K. has already come up with the perfect plan to sout out the situation! In a blur, he brings his ninja skills to the foray, gathering up a similar selection of ingredients as Sensei had done before him - only this time, he's carrying armfuls of spicy peppers and other piquant products!

"I'll give you burgers, you croaking creep," he mutters. "Secret Ninja Burger Technique!" And with that command, our brave boy replicates the motions his mentor made a few moments ago - fold one way, add flavourings, fold the other way, and then flip and fry. But to add to the illusion, the cunning Kaneda adds the standard burger toppings onto his crafty creation, making look just like any ordinary burger served at this jaunty joint!

K.K. quickly offers the burger to his nefarious nemesis. "Here you go, you big bully." 

"Thanks, chump!" Without so much as a bye-your-leave, Kroak snatches up the tasty trap and tosses it whole into his massive maw. However, all it takes is a few chews for the spicy secret to kick in, and the fiendish frog's eyes bulge as his face turns red from the heat! Steam shrieks from where his ears would logically be, if he had them, and it isn't long before...

"YEEEOOOOUCH!" Flame erupts from Kroak's mouth, the force enough to send the tyrant rocketing upwards into the air! Such is his speed, in fact, that he punches a toad-shaped hole in the ceiling of Burger Bear's, spraying bits of tiling as he rockets ever-upwards! K.K. and Sensei watch with amusement as their adversary sails into the sky and straight out of sight, to trouble them no more for the rest of the day.

"Seems like Kroak," quips K.K. with a grin, "bit off more than he could chew!" And he laughs along with Sensei at the cleverness of this particular pun.

The Shinobiman Secret Technique Burger Maker! Available now, with recipie guide!

"We now return to Shinobiman!"

Secret Ninja Warrior Shinobiman (Part 2)

When we last left our savior in the shadows, Shinobiman, he was hightailing it to the hidden Shinobi Shrine of Honor Ridge - literally, using his Shinobi Racoon power to fly to the shrine! But the Shinobi Scroll hidden there is being guarded by Lord Kroak's loathsome lackeys, Razor and Vampyra, as well as a squadron of demon soldiers! Meanwhile, Sensei and Doctor Wasabi have a plan to delay the awful amphibian and prevent him from twigging that his stolen scroll is under scruitiny...

"I just hope," mutters Doctor Wasabi, "that this crazy plan of yours works." He never was very good at driving a motorcycle to begin with, preferring the comfort of cars, but the knowledge of the scheme his companion is about to carry out makes steering all the more difficult.

"My crazy plans always work!" responds a cheerful Sensei from the sidecar. "All we have to do is find Kroakzilla and lead him away from the populated areas of the city!"

"Well, how hard can that be?" asks Wasabi. "He's over thirty stories tall, after all!"

The good doctor soon regrets his earlier question, as an awful growling noise - like a tractor and a lion having a spirited scuffle - cuts through the air. The frightened physician nearly stalls the cycle in his terror, but Sensei merely puts one hand to his ear, trying to divine the direction the sound is coming from. And, with his attuned skills, it doesn't take long for him to pinpoint the location of their target.

"That was him, alright," he confirms. "And he's in the restaurant district. Turn off here."

Wasabi does so, although with great reluctance.

And, true to his word, Kroakzilla is not that hard to hide. In fact, he is making no effort to be sneaky at all - instead, he has parked his bulbous bulk in the middle of a parking lot, helping himself to the contents of the various eating establishments he has plundered. As the dynamic duo pull up by one of his feet, the titanic toad finishes gulping down the innards of a pizza parlour's kitchen, before taking a long sip from a water tower he tore up earlier.

"Boy," he mutters with his mouth full. "Destroying a city really works up an appetite. I should have brought some of mom's home-made mud pies!"

"Well," whispers Wasabi to his much braver buddy, "We found Kroakzilla. What now?"

By way of answer, Sensei suddenly produces a megaphone from seemingly nowhere and holds it up to his mouth. Wasabi quickly gestures for him to put it away, but the martial-arts master ignores him and flicks it on. The whining noise of the device turning on was loud enough, but when Sensei shouts up at the monstrous marauder above them, the good doctor soon starts wishing he could remember the secret ninja ability to become invisible!

"Hey, Kroakzilla!" hollers Sensei from the sidecar. "Down here, you green-skinned good-for-nothing!" This gets the terrible tyrant's attention, his head swiveling down to notice the motorcycle and it's occupants a few meters from his feet.

"Well, well, well!" he growls, grinning. "If it isn't that sake-drinking sap and his scientist buddy!"

Sensei rises up from his seat in the sidecar, turning up the megaphone's volume for extra effect. "Leave this city right now," he orders, "or I shall be forced to take extreme measures!"

The effect is electric - Kroakzilla leaps to his feet as though stung, rage on his foul face! The tremors of his landing shake the street beneath the bike, nearly making poor Wasabi fall off his perch, but the good doctor's problems are still coming - and Sensei's are only just beginning!

"I don't take insults from pests like you!" bellows the beast, and he immediately raises one foot to squash the heroes! Thinking quickly, Wasabi immediately hits the gas, and he bike goes speeding away down the road, away from the vile villain's stomp! Growling in anger, Kroakzilla immediately gives chase, titanic treads shaking the earth with every step, and the scared scientist has to weave back and forth to avoid getting trodden underfoot by the rampaging toad demon!

"Now what?!" howls Wasabi, clearly wishing he was back home.

"To the abandoned skyscraper district!" shouts Sensei. "And step on it!"

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