Morons vs Wild 2: The Wildening

WARNING: The following post contains material that certain readers may find upsetting. Reader discretion is advised.

-------ASH'S WORLD-------

The whole thing started when Sam, walking through the forest near Oriam, was pounced upon by a giant spider.

"AAARGH SHIT FUCK BALLS," he screamed as the thing tackled him off his feet, winding all eight legs tightly around his body and pinning his arms against his sides. The swearing continued as he hit the ground, and went on as he jerked his head this way and that, barely dodging the sharp, slavering fangs that kept missing his face by mere millimetres. Sheer panic prevented him from remembering he could have just set himself on fire to escape this predicament, and thus he spent a good half a minute writhing and kicking in the dirt, the spider's weight keeping from rolling upright.

Of course, his salior talk served as the perfect beacon to anyone close by.

"HOLD ON, SAM!"

Sam didn't even see who was approaching until Erdrick had already been driven through the spider's body, the point poking him in the chest by accident. The beast shrieked, convulsed for a moment, and then went limp, the legs losing their grip around the Uberman's body as the life rapidly went out of it. The moment he felt that happening, Sam flexed his arms, pushing the limbs away from him, and threw the corpse of the creature off as he scrambled to his feet, letting off one last torrent of expletives as he went.

Then something grabbed his arm, and he screamed, picturing some worse animal-

"Sam, SAM."

That was Ash's voice. Even in the midst of a heart attack, Sam would know it anywhere.

"It's fine, we're here. It's deader than dead."

And there was Erdrick - his mother's voice, of course, which was still weird, but soothing enough for Sam to get a grip on himself. Whilst he babbled to a stop, gasping for air and clutching his chest, the other man knelt down and produced something akin to a small towel as he began cleaning the foul, pale ichor off of Erdrick's blade. It took some time for the former Destined Hero to get his breath back and put the past events in proper seqence, so he could find the right questions to ask about what just happened.

Thankfully, only one came to mind.

"...what was that?!" he nearly shrieked, pointing at the dead spider.

Non-Canon Silliness Shorts 1: Spell 'Me' (NSFW)

"Hey, Ash."

Ash didn't turn around. "Yes?"

"Spell 'Me'."

Non-Canon Silliness 3: Morons vs Wild

WARNING: The following is not canon, and is also based on a dumb internet video. Don't read it if you don't care for anything that has no impact on ZFRP in any way :P

Also, watch this video first to understand the context.

~SOMEWHERE ON SAM'S WORLD...~

With a grunt of effort, the hilt of the Grandius was brought squarely down upon the tent peg with a clack, driving it further down into the soil. The action was repeated once, twice, thrice more, abiet with some difficulty, as the wielder's shoulder seemed to have become stiff and painful to move. But Sam - for it was nobody else - persisted despite the complication, until at last the peg was as far in as it could go, and the rope tied around it was as taut as it could be. Now the tent looked like a tent, and not like a jumbled pile of sticks and canvas someone had carelessly thrown aside.

"And that," he muttered, "is that." Then he stood up, and winced as the pain shot through his shoulder again, forcing him to grasp it with his free hand. Closer inspection revealed that the material of his jacket was torn open, and a series of long, ugly scratches - the terrible full-stroke of some animal's claws - decorated the skin. In fact, Sam overall did not look in very good condition, with badly ripped clothing, several bites upon his limbs, more scratches along his torso and a fine coating of dried mud over everything else.

Turning around, Sam recoiled as he saw a vision of awful horror. Then he calmed down as he realized that it was just Ash, sitting down by a fire of whittled branches and leaves. If anything, he seemed to be in an even worse comdition than Sam was - not only was he also covered in bites, but one side of his face was a swollen mass of lumpy, purplish-red blotches, like insect bites or something worse. And, most tellingly, he was hissing between his teeth as he applied the scabbard of the poison-sword Magnificence to his groin, looking to be in considerable pain.

"You alright?" Sam asked as he walked over. "That amphisbaena did a real number on you." The latter remark, judging from the glare shot at him by the other male, didn't seem to help at all.

"It's not the pain," grumbled Ash as the other man squatted close to him. "It's the swelling. I can have Magnificence draw the venom out, no trouble, but... dear Gods, it won't go down!"

"You should be happy," cut in Erdrick's voice, from where he was propped up against one of the tent struts. "It's not like it's ever going to be this big again."