Dirkmas Presents

Eeeeeey baesephine,

Hope X-Mas dinner with the family goes well! I had to think pretty hard about what to get you this year aside from games and shit, but I think I hit the nail on the head with this one. It's called the Painkiller, and it's a combined razor fan and grappling hook. Doesn't make much of a bang, but it's great for forecasting Bloody with a Chance of Limbs :P

Oh, and btw, some of those parcels are marked "PRIVATE!", like that. You'll be needing them for when I come over later, wink wink.

Keep dat arse phat 4 me~

Dirky <3

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Broseph and Okuu,

Eeeeeey how goes the X-Mas? When am I gonna be an uncle? :P

LMAO, in all seriousness, though, I got you both a sunbed. I know, your girlfriend is the sun already so you don't really need one, but hey, if you ever want to head to Kuwahawi next year, you might as well get ready to prepare for that tan! Dunno where you guys can put it tho, unless you unplugged the filter on the shark tank, but I don't think that's such a good idea. So here's hoping you find a decent place for it!

Keep on rockin, bro!

Big D.

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Dawn,

Okay, so I called you a bitch one time, and to be fair, you did kinda make a massive screwup. But you're still a Kobber and I guess I can still call you my friend even if you do mess up a little - nowhere near as bad as your mom does, so there's that. Anyway, I got a few connections with some blokes up high, so I managed to get a little something forged for you. I think you'll appreciate it, after all the nonsense you've been through, and it'll be a great help in letting you put your feet up.

...yeah, it's a new casual chassis. It'll take some getting used to, since it's Olympian construction, but it's better than constantly walking around in bodies designed for computing or battle. After what went on in Vegas last year, you deserve it.

Also tell your mum I said hi and good luck with the family.

Love,

Dirk

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Cauren,

I know we haven't spoken much, so I thought now might be as good a time as any to have a chat. And let me start of by saying a dozen kids?!?!?! Jesus Christ, are you running some kind of benefits scam? :P

But all joking aside, I know raising them all must be hell for both you and your wives, so I went and bought you this big robot triceratops. It responds to voice commands, learns over time with multiple use and your kids can even ride on it. And it's plush, too, so there's no sharp edges or corners to get hurt on! It probably beats them messing around with those weird cube animals that Carol knocked together, who knows what kind of disasters those things have caused?

Oh, and I also got a NERF Gun set for Lucky. I figure if she wants to be like the Kobbers, the best step is to start with pretend guns before moving to real ones.

Hope everything's alright with you and yours, and have a happy Christmas!

Love,

Dirk

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Vince,

You poor, sad bastard. Have a laptop, and watch some stupid videos to ease the pain your dumb customers and pushy store cause you. Fun fact - this was my old Cré laptop, but it kicked the bucket so I fitted a whole new hard drive and shit and sent it over to you. Consider it penance for not going into your store at any point, although tbh that might be a blessing in disguise.

Oh, and it has a few games on it too - Darkest Dungeon, Civ 6, Bit Trip Runner, all that stuff. Enjoy.

Don't let the bastards get you down!

Dirk Angelos

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Jaws,

Didn't I see you doing stunt work for that shitty SyFy film about a two-headed shark? Whatevs, you're a brilliant actor and it's a shame you have to get stuck with crap like that. I was gonna send you tooth whitener, but that's a stupid idea and also you're a friggin' shark, you don't need tooth whitener when you constantly grow new ones. So I thought I'd send you a fine selection of port, since movie stars seem to like stuff like that. Try not to drink all of it at once, I saw you at Drown Yer Mates and lol you hilarious when drunk.

Keep doing what you do best!

Best Wishes,

Dirk Angelos

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setpehn,

hahahaha you shacked up with thle lgorillaz guitarist you sly motherfucker

have a ccoholatve fountain because i htave like fucking ten dof thoose

i'm svery drnufk

drik

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Melody and Co.,

Don't really know you guys much, but I wanna spread a little Christmas spirit to you guys since I have so much money. So I threw some your way - a whole bunch of  £100 gift vouchers, to be exact. Don't spend it all in one place, and be sure you buy something nice! :)

Btw Melody, are you and Beck a thing yet? Hurry up, I wanna find some outlandish wedding present I can send to the both of you XP

Love,

Dirk :)

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Clash,

Hey, haven't seen you around much. Shame we didn't talk, but I guess you had problems of your own, so we never really met. I know you like swords, tho, cause Cauren told me, so I got my connections to make you a bigger version of this thing. It slices, it dices and it cools you down on hot summer days! Wouldn't reccomend using it in the kitchen tho, unless you like soggy food.

Dirk

Valentines (with thanks to RubyChao)

"Okay, well... good luck, bro."

That's all the advice Pit ccould give before Dirk, still smirking like a hyaena, strolled out of the house with his package under one arm. With a sigh and a shake of the head, Pit pushed the door shut until the latched clicked, signifying that, for whatever reason, his brother would not be back for a while.

Then he turned and strolled back into the living room, where Utsuho was lounging on the couch.

"Anything on telly?" he asks.

Utsuho shrugs. "Not yet... I think there's a good movie coming up, but it's not on for a while... What was Dirk doing, anyway?" she asks as she looks up at her boyfriend.

"Oh, he's off to deliver his Valentines present to Josephine," is the explanation. "And if I know my bro, which I do, I don't think he's gonna be back for some time..." Pit visibly shudders at this, as if knowing anything that could come from this would not be his definition of "good" at all.

"Oh, Valentine's day!" The Hell Raven perks up at this,eyes shining with interest. "Lady Satori told me about that once, but I don't really know much about it... it's about gifts and stuff, right?"

There is a pause as Pit tries to find the right words.

"Well... it's a bit more than that," he says, at last. "It's about showing that special person how much you care for them. How much they mean to you. And presents are a big part of it, yes, but it's kinda like Christmas in that regard. It's not about the receiving, it's the giving. It's about love." Sappy, yes, but exactly what you'd expect from Peter Angelos at this point, right?

Realization crosses Utsuho's face. "Oh... oh, I get it!" she cries. And then even further realization hits her, causing her to slump rather despondently into the couch. "But... I don't have anything for you, Pit... I didn't think I'd need to get anything so maybe I can go out now and find it if it's not too late?"

The angel gives a reassuring smile. "Sure, it's not too late. Don't worry. And I need to get something too, so... how about we both go, together?"

"Eheheh, thanks! Alright, let's go then!"

And thus, off the two went to get each other that special something.

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"Double Flying Cross Slash! NOW!"

The gigantic shere-like robot had already taken plenty of punishment, so when Heaven and Hel''s signature team attack came along it didn't stand a chance. In one fell swoop, the combined strike of Pit's Tiger Claws and Utsuho's boot carved a clean chunk right out of the midsection, obliterating precious wiring and circuitry. With a last, tortured groan, the mechanoid known as Helios toppled backwards, shedding components as it fell, to dash itself to pieces at last as it hit the ground with heavy clang.

Swooping around in a circle, the couple landed side-by-side to admire the wreckage of the latest Bonus Boss to fall victim to their team synergy.

"Whoo! That was pretty fun!" Pit grinned as he punched the air in triumph. "Nice moves, Okuu!"

"Hahaha, thanks!" was Utsuho's response. "You were pretty good yourself, it's nice that we haven't gotten rusty or anything!" With a nod of agreement, Pit led the way out of the room, and were soon exiting the Bonus Boss Pavilion with two free copies of Metroid Prime 3 under their arms - yet another game to add to Pit's ever growing backlog of the things. What had started out as a shopping trip, as one might have guessed whenever Kobbers get involved, had gone a bit off-track.

"...I bet this is a really rare kind of Valentine's thing," added Utsuho, after a moment's silence. "Pretty sure most people wouldn't go fight a dangerous robot to celebrate!"

"That's the Kobbers for you," Pit retorted as he turned to face his fiance, smiling. "We're not 'most people'. And I'm kinda glad we aren't~" he added as he took the opportunity and leaned in for a hug, which Utsuho gladly accepted.

There was a small pause as the two simply enjoyed the moment. And then the raven, remembering something, pulled away.

"So, um..." she tried. "This might sound awkward after we just had our date thing but... Can we still get some chocolate?"

 "Of course, Okuu."

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Meanwhile...

 

As the saying goes, that's our Dirky!