"What's goin' on?"
"What do you mean, what's going on?!" cried Evolto. "I should be asking you that! Didn't I just run you over in a Void Jumper and turn you and the rest of the band into milkshake?!"
"The hell are you on about?" Russ sounded equally as confused. "Where are you? Why's Queen playin' in the background?"
"I'm
at the Spirit House!" A sudden urge came over Evolto. He grabbed his
shorts and began to hurriedly put them on. But he was still feeling
somewhat dazed from the Superfast Jellyfish, and fell over with a yelp
and a thump.
"Well, we ain't there, man. We're
at Lake Como, Italy. Murdoc bought tickets as an apology for the whole
truth serum thing. We've been filmin' for our next single, and Noods and
Steph are havin' a blast on the new boats. Also, Stu thinks he saw a lake
monster, but I think he's just gone aquaphobic after Plastic Beach."
From the prone position, Evolto finally wiggled into the shorts.
"So I didn't just liquefy you?" he asked.
"No, but can you explain why somebody just bought pizzas on my company card?"
Oh,
dear. Russel's voice had gone low. That was when he was most dangerous.
Rusell Hobbs very rarely raised his voice, and that was only the second
scariest thing about him. When it became even more of a growl than
usual, you had to pick your words carefully or risk any number of
injury, comical or otherwise. Evolto stared at the phone with a mixture
of nervous tension and confusion.
"Wasn't me, man. I
just spent the last hour or so eating expired snacks and playing Tekken.
And cleaning up the mess," he added, hurridely.
Russ snorted. "Okay, first off, no way that's true. You're shit at Tekken."
"Am not!" Evolto threw a middle finger at his phone.
"Secondly," Russel insisted, "somebody
just ordered pizzas. Three of 'em, to be exact. I'm lookin' at the
delivery email... one Meat Feast, one anchovy and pineapple - eurgh,
Muds' favourite - and one pepperoni with BBQ sauce. You wouldn't know
anythin' about that, right?"
"Are you kidding?" cried
Evolto as he wrestled the t-shirt over his head. "Last time I borrowed
somebody's card, I had to go work as a hotel maid until I could pay it
all back! I ain't goin' back to that life, man! Even if the outfit does look good on me!"
"Well,
somebody just did. And if I gotta freeze my card because of- Oh, hold
on a second, Stu just fell in the lake. I'll call you back, 'kay?"
The
phone went silent. But Evolto's mind was racing. The facts didn't add
up. Not only were Gorillaz alive, they hadn't even been in the house.
They'd been elsewhere all this time, and also somebody - not him - had
been ordering pizzas on their dime. So if he hadn't just killed one of
the most influential bands of the mid Two-Thousands, then who's slurry
did he just send Kouta out to reconstitute into...?
He walked back into the dining room.
The goo had been trying to stand up. It had faded to corpse white in colour, sprouted too many eyes and jutting fangs and tried to pull itself into a coherant shape. But there wasn't enough of it left for that anymore, too much of it obliterated by cosmic forces. Evolto arrived just in time to see it finally evaporate with a hiss and the stench of rotten eggs and dead fish.
A memory struck him like a speeding truck.
"Oh, shit."
Showing posts with label Bored. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bored. Show all posts
Wednesday, 22 April 2020
Tuesday, 14 April 2020
King of Time Gaiden Part 1
Things were not great at the place the band known as Gorillaz called home.
Murdoc had never really given up on being a shithead. Despite everything the band had been through, none of the lessons seemed to stick in his head. The fame and fortune of the band had never been enough - he always had at least one finger on the thread of some criminal or supernatural connection to try and boost himself even further into success. This time, he'd been on the trail of a particularly nasty demon that had taken refuge in 2D - why, nobody knew.
But his idea of negotiations with a being of the astral plane was to lure 2D out to a nearby petrol station, under the pretext of a friendly afternoon drive, and then jab him with a needle full of truth serum.
Thankfully, the other three band members had arrived before any real damage could be done. Well, to 2D. Russel contributed to Murdoc's ninth broken nose, and Noodle didn't exactly make much effort in pulling the drummer off of him. And all while Stephen had been exorcising the demon out of 2D with what recipes he could call on. The Skinwalker Incident had left him low on supplies of magic ingredients, unfortunately.
So to say that the last few days had been trying would be an understatement. Murdoc had become sulky, feeling that nobody had wanted to hear his side of the story. Russel was deathly quiet and both 2D and Noodle kept very far away from them both. Stephen had tried to play meditator, but one catty comment too many had caused him to snap and he'd threatened to eat both bassist and drummer before storming out. It had taken Noodle half the day and several bowls of chashu ramen to calm him down.
Things weren't much better today. It had been a warm, lazy day where nobody wanted to put effort into anything, so Russel had ordered pizza. They were all sitting at the table, opening up the boxes to let the smell of cheese, meat and grease fill the dining room for what felt like the umpteenth time. Murdoc was sitting a little further away from everyone else, and Noodle sat a little closer to both 2D and Stephen. all three of them between Murdoc and Russel. Nobody was looking each other in the eye.
The silence was broken when 2D turned to Stephen, coughed and said:
"Um, could you pass the hot sauce?"
And then a Bleed-traversing spacecraft burst out of reality like pus from a boil in the middle of the dining room.
It may be comforting to know that the band did not notice this. Because its entry was accompanied by a pulse of raw space-time energy that instantly liquified them on impact.
Murdoc had never really given up on being a shithead. Despite everything the band had been through, none of the lessons seemed to stick in his head. The fame and fortune of the band had never been enough - he always had at least one finger on the thread of some criminal or supernatural connection to try and boost himself even further into success. This time, he'd been on the trail of a particularly nasty demon that had taken refuge in 2D - why, nobody knew.
But his idea of negotiations with a being of the astral plane was to lure 2D out to a nearby petrol station, under the pretext of a friendly afternoon drive, and then jab him with a needle full of truth serum.
Thankfully, the other three band members had arrived before any real damage could be done. Well, to 2D. Russel contributed to Murdoc's ninth broken nose, and Noodle didn't exactly make much effort in pulling the drummer off of him. And all while Stephen had been exorcising the demon out of 2D with what recipes he could call on. The Skinwalker Incident had left him low on supplies of magic ingredients, unfortunately.
So to say that the last few days had been trying would be an understatement. Murdoc had become sulky, feeling that nobody had wanted to hear his side of the story. Russel was deathly quiet and both 2D and Noodle kept very far away from them both. Stephen had tried to play meditator, but one catty comment too many had caused him to snap and he'd threatened to eat both bassist and drummer before storming out. It had taken Noodle half the day and several bowls of chashu ramen to calm him down.
Things weren't much better today. It had been a warm, lazy day where nobody wanted to put effort into anything, so Russel had ordered pizza. They were all sitting at the table, opening up the boxes to let the smell of cheese, meat and grease fill the dining room for what felt like the umpteenth time. Murdoc was sitting a little further away from everyone else, and Noodle sat a little closer to both 2D and Stephen. all three of them between Murdoc and Russel. Nobody was looking each other in the eye.
The silence was broken when 2D turned to Stephen, coughed and said:
"Um, could you pass the hot sauce?"
And then a Bleed-traversing spacecraft burst out of reality like pus from a boil in the middle of the dining room.
It may be comforting to know that the band did not notice this. Because its entry was accompanied by a pulse of raw space-time energy that instantly liquified them on impact.
Tuesday, 9 April 2019
King of Time - Interlude
"Why do you eat your hot dog like that?"
Vince was supposed to be eating a hot dog. But he wasn't, because he was distracted with the way Kouta was eating his hot dog.
"Why do you eat it like that?"
Kouta was sitting on the opposite end of the table from him. His cheeks were full and his jaw was working. But he was glaring back with childish defiance.
"I hate it when you eat your hot dog from the middle."
Vince's hot dog was untouched. But Kouta's had a bite right in the centre. Not the place one usually begins eating a hot dog. Vince had never seen anyone eat a hot dog this way, and now that he had, his world was crumbling from beneath him.
"Stop eating the middle of the hot dog and eat it the right way."
Kouta said nothing. He continued to chew and glare. The bite in the middle of the hot dog persisted.
"Why are you doing this to me, kid? You're driving me crazy."
Did others eat their hot dogs this way? Vince wasn't sure. But the fact that Kouta, aka Kamen Rider Zi-O, had just done it had horrible implications. Somewhere out there, there was a cabal of heretics who ate hot dogs in this perverse faction. Convinced that this was the proper way to dine on a sausage between bread and smothered with toppings.
He could not allow this. It was time to be the cool mentor guy again.
"Okay, look," said Vince, picking up his hot dog. "This is how you do it. You take the weiner out of the bun-"
"Are you crazy?!" howled Kouta.
~FIN~
Tuesday, 19 September 2017
Red
Grandma's Cottage, the locals called it. It's proper name was The Down, because it sat on the edge of the woods and overlooked the chalk downlands before it. But the locals knew than when a kindly old woman moved into any old house to live on her own, you called it Grandma's Cottage. It was just what tradition demanded. Tradition also usually demanded that you were suspicious of any old woman who lived in a remote cottage by herself, but since Grandma was too old to do most things herself, there was little to be suspicious of. Her strawberry jam was quite excellent, and her chickens always laid healthy eggs, but then you could say that of anybody's jam or eggs and nobody would bat an eyelid.
What was suspicious was the fact that, despite the cottage being fairly isolated, it was never disturbed. It seemed like such an obvious target - a defenseless old woman on her own, with it's back to the dark woods... But no burglar dared set foot near the place, and the majority of the beasts and birds of the wild seemed to keep a wide birth from it. It wasn't anything wrong with the place itself, people agreed from a safe distance and with a cup of tea to keep their minds off it. No, it felt more like there was something lurking about the place, something ominous that watched and judged those who came and went. And it seemed to get worse during the winter months, tho nobody knew why.
The wolf who pushed his way into the cottage was new to the area, and either didn't know about the local whispers or didn't care.
It should be explained that the animals of the district were a lot smarter than most, and aside from being able to speak in rare cases, were more given to careful planning and thought. It had been three days since this particular wolf had last eaten, and in most circumstances he would have eaten the old woman up there and then without much thought. But he'd heard other rumours - about the granddaughter who came up from the village through the woods to deliver groceries, and tender young meat sounded much more appetizing. And he thought he knew a trick or two that would enable him to get close enough.
There were a lot of difficulties that came from having paws and no opposable thumb. Tying the old woman up was a bit of a struggle, since he wasn't very good with knots, but it was made easier by the fact that, for whatever reason, she didn't struggle much. Locking the broom cupboard was a little better, since he could just twist his jaws to turn the key, but keeping the old door shut with one paw proved an irritating business. And then, after fighting for at least ten minutes to get the nightgown and shawl on, he still wasn't sure if he had it right. Oh, well. Can't win them all.
He'd just crept into bed when he heard the knock at the door.
What was suspicious was the fact that, despite the cottage being fairly isolated, it was never disturbed. It seemed like such an obvious target - a defenseless old woman on her own, with it's back to the dark woods... But no burglar dared set foot near the place, and the majority of the beasts and birds of the wild seemed to keep a wide birth from it. It wasn't anything wrong with the place itself, people agreed from a safe distance and with a cup of tea to keep their minds off it. No, it felt more like there was something lurking about the place, something ominous that watched and judged those who came and went. And it seemed to get worse during the winter months, tho nobody knew why.
The wolf who pushed his way into the cottage was new to the area, and either didn't know about the local whispers or didn't care.
It should be explained that the animals of the district were a lot smarter than most, and aside from being able to speak in rare cases, were more given to careful planning and thought. It had been three days since this particular wolf had last eaten, and in most circumstances he would have eaten the old woman up there and then without much thought. But he'd heard other rumours - about the granddaughter who came up from the village through the woods to deliver groceries, and tender young meat sounded much more appetizing. And he thought he knew a trick or two that would enable him to get close enough.
There were a lot of difficulties that came from having paws and no opposable thumb. Tying the old woman up was a bit of a struggle, since he wasn't very good with knots, but it was made easier by the fact that, for whatever reason, she didn't struggle much. Locking the broom cupboard was a little better, since he could just twist his jaws to turn the key, but keeping the old door shut with one paw proved an irritating business. And then, after fighting for at least ten minutes to get the nightgown and shawl on, he still wasn't sure if he had it right. Oh, well. Can't win them all.
He'd just crept into bed when he heard the knock at the door.
Wednesday, 27 May 2015
Ultradome (Prologue)
~MASTERS FOUNDATION ARENA, MANHATTAN, USA~
"HI-YOOOOO! Hello, sports fans, and welcome to yet another edition of the Masters Fighting Federation, live from beautiful Manhattan City! I'm your commentator, Jimmy "Flashfire" Mays, and I'll be giving you live commentary, on the spot, of tonight's rounds of the Masters World Championship! So far, we've seen the Rescue Rovers run rings around Dai Long, and Union Jack get hammered into fritters by The Cyborg Confederate, but the excitement's not over yet, cause'-"
"Ah, jest shaddup up, already," muttered Lilly Lop as she ran the polishing cloth back and forth over one of her thigh-mounted jet implants. It was bad enough to have butterflies in the stomach about what was going to happen next, but the announcer's obnoxiously cheerful and clearly-scripted banter was not helping in the slightest. There were days when she wanted to leap up to the booth, punch through the glass and slap the man so hard his eyes swapped places in their sockets, just to shut him up for five seconds. It would certainly give the crowd something to cheer about that wasn't this complete Mad Max shit-show, at least.
Lifting off the cloth, she bent down a little to check her handiwork. Much to her relief, the shell of the implant was now sparkling. Carbon-fibre, titanium and kevlar alloys had a way of doing that if you kept it up for long enough, and what's more, it had to if their owner was going to stay in the spotlight this year. The competition was getting as fierce as it was outlandish - India's Agent Peacock was currently wowing the crowds with his gaudy outfits and current winning streak, and there was pressure from Lilly's sponsors to try and be as flashy in order to compete with him. She had socked the spokesperson for daring to suggest that, but she knew that he had a point and that she seriously needed to step up her game.
Even as she contemplated this, a green light came on in the wall by her head, startling her for a moment.
"Lilly Lop, it's your cure," droned the bored voice from the speaker, before clicking off. Ah, Norman. At least there was somebody here who resented this complete idiocy as much as she did. Not really her type, though - she'd seen the scrawny, pimple-faced temp at his desk punching holes in timesheets and had immediately shut down. Even the sight of him induced a kind of dull, listless apathy, to the degree where it was almost like an infection and you had to wear a tissue over your mouth to avoid catching it.
Straightening up, Lilly permitted herself one last glance in the mirror. She still wasn't sure how to take it in - on the one hand, she was five-foot-four and proportioned like an athlete should be, with powerful legs and prominent abs being her talking points. On the other, the brown fur, paws, long ears and cotton tail above her rump brought back latent memories of hopping across grassy banks, nibbling flowers and perking the ears up for danger. And on the other hand belonging to this freakish mutant metaphor, the logo of the Masters Corporation gleamed gold against the scarlet metal of her arm, thigh and chest implants, the latter of which hummed contently as the plasma generator did it's work.
It was... a picture, to say the least.
And that was all the thought Lilly Lop gave to it, before turning and heading for the doors that lead to the arena.
-------
"Ah, jest shaddup up, already," muttered Lilly Lop as she ran the polishing cloth back and forth over one of her thigh-mounted jet implants. It was bad enough to have butterflies in the stomach about what was going to happen next, but the announcer's obnoxiously cheerful and clearly-scripted banter was not helping in the slightest. There were days when she wanted to leap up to the booth, punch through the glass and slap the man so hard his eyes swapped places in their sockets, just to shut him up for five seconds. It would certainly give the crowd something to cheer about that wasn't this complete Mad Max shit-show, at least.
Lifting off the cloth, she bent down a little to check her handiwork. Much to her relief, the shell of the implant was now sparkling. Carbon-fibre, titanium and kevlar alloys had a way of doing that if you kept it up for long enough, and what's more, it had to if their owner was going to stay in the spotlight this year. The competition was getting as fierce as it was outlandish - India's Agent Peacock was currently wowing the crowds with his gaudy outfits and current winning streak, and there was pressure from Lilly's sponsors to try and be as flashy in order to compete with him. She had socked the spokesperson for daring to suggest that, but she knew that he had a point and that she seriously needed to step up her game.
Even as she contemplated this, a green light came on in the wall by her head, startling her for a moment.
"Lilly Lop, it's your cure," droned the bored voice from the speaker, before clicking off. Ah, Norman. At least there was somebody here who resented this complete idiocy as much as she did. Not really her type, though - she'd seen the scrawny, pimple-faced temp at his desk punching holes in timesheets and had immediately shut down. Even the sight of him induced a kind of dull, listless apathy, to the degree where it was almost like an infection and you had to wear a tissue over your mouth to avoid catching it.
Straightening up, Lilly permitted herself one last glance in the mirror. She still wasn't sure how to take it in - on the one hand, she was five-foot-four and proportioned like an athlete should be, with powerful legs and prominent abs being her talking points. On the other, the brown fur, paws, long ears and cotton tail above her rump brought back latent memories of hopping across grassy banks, nibbling flowers and perking the ears up for danger. And on the other hand belonging to this freakish mutant metaphor, the logo of the Masters Corporation gleamed gold against the scarlet metal of her arm, thigh and chest implants, the latter of which hummed contently as the plasma generator did it's work.
It was... a picture, to say the least.
And that was all the thought Lilly Lop gave to it, before turning and heading for the doors that lead to the arena.
-------
Saturday, 22 March 2014
Filler: Some Dumb Syfy Movie Concepts
So yeah, I was bored and wanted to hype you all up for my next post. So in the middle of writing it I opened another tab, looked up lists of people who'd starred in shitty SyFy original films and then barfed this up into another post.
In short, this is blatant filler. Enjoy.
Shark of Darkness
Other Titles: Heart of Sharkness, Sharkolypse Now, Vietnam Shark Attack
Starring: Corin Nemec, Lorenzo Lamas
Tagline: Darkness has 300 teeth.
Premise: A team of American soldiers in Vietnam are on a secret mission to infiltrate the Viet Cong. However, the operation is threatened by the presence of a massive bull shark hunting them down.
Sabre Tooth vs. Monster Wolf
Other Titles: Attack of the Beasts
Starring: Gary Stretch, Anne McDaniels
Taglines: The fur is gonna fly!/Like cats and dogs... only worse!
Premise: A genetically-modified sabre-toothed cat and dire wolf escape from a research lab and kill their way through a small town. A scientist teams up with a legendary hunter to stop the animals.
Dinoboa
Other Titles: Dinoconda, Snakeasaurus
Starring: Debbie Gibson, David Carradine
Tagline: A blast from the past!
Premise: A giant prehistoric snake is awakened by illegal gold mining operations. A young scientist, however, befriends the creature and becomes sympathetic towards it as the military hunt it down.
Pterantula vs. Mechasaurus
Starring: Brooke Hogan, Robert Picardo
Tagline: We made a monster to fight a nightmare.
Premise: When a genetic abomination escapes from it's cage and begins terrorizing L.A., only an ace pilot can save the world from the cockpit of a giant robot dinosaur.
Sky Sharks
Other Titles: Flying Sharks, Cloud Sharks
Starring: Stacy Keach, Jaleel White, Tiffany
Tagline: Don't look up.
Premise: A mad scientist unleashes hordes of genetically-modified flying sharks around the world.
Hurricano
Other Titles: Firestorm, Blazing Tornado
Starring: Jeff Fahey, Erica Cerra, William B. Davis
Tagline: Hell has arrived on Earth.
Premise: A group of unrelated people must survive and evacuate the city when a hurricane, carrying lava and fire from an erupting volcano, hits the city.
Dinosaurs vs. Mermaids
Other Titles: War of the Continents
Starring: TBA
Taglines: Land vs Ocean/Need We Say More?
Premise: An paleontologist and a marine biologist find themselves caught up in a war between resurrected dinosaurs and a tribe of mermaids from lost Lemuria.
Ya-Te-Vo
Other Titles: Monster Tree, Zombie Plants from Madagascar
Starring: Lorenzo Lamas, Brooke Hogan
Tagline: Eat your greens... before they eat you!
Premise: A new species of plant is distributed across the world, but turns out to be carnivorous and narcotic. Now the military has to stop them from either eating everyone or turning them into zombies.
In short, this is blatant filler. Enjoy.
Shark of Darkness
Other Titles: Heart of Sharkness, Sharkolypse Now, Vietnam Shark Attack
Starring: Corin Nemec, Lorenzo Lamas
Tagline: Darkness has 300 teeth.
Premise: A team of American soldiers in Vietnam are on a secret mission to infiltrate the Viet Cong. However, the operation is threatened by the presence of a massive bull shark hunting them down.
Sabre Tooth vs. Monster Wolf
Other Titles: Attack of the Beasts
Starring: Gary Stretch, Anne McDaniels
Taglines: The fur is gonna fly!/Like cats and dogs... only worse!
Premise: A genetically-modified sabre-toothed cat and dire wolf escape from a research lab and kill their way through a small town. A scientist teams up with a legendary hunter to stop the animals.
Dinoboa
Other Titles: Dinoconda, Snakeasaurus
Starring: Debbie Gibson, David Carradine
Tagline: A blast from the past!
Premise: A giant prehistoric snake is awakened by illegal gold mining operations. A young scientist, however, befriends the creature and becomes sympathetic towards it as the military hunt it down.
Pterantula vs. Mechasaurus
Starring: Brooke Hogan, Robert Picardo
Tagline: We made a monster to fight a nightmare.
Premise: When a genetic abomination escapes from it's cage and begins terrorizing L.A., only an ace pilot can save the world from the cockpit of a giant robot dinosaur.
Sky Sharks
Other Titles: Flying Sharks, Cloud Sharks
Starring: Stacy Keach, Jaleel White, Tiffany
Tagline: Don't look up.
Premise: A mad scientist unleashes hordes of genetically-modified flying sharks around the world.
Hurricano
Other Titles: Firestorm, Blazing Tornado
Starring: Jeff Fahey, Erica Cerra, William B. Davis
Tagline: Hell has arrived on Earth.
Premise: A group of unrelated people must survive and evacuate the city when a hurricane, carrying lava and fire from an erupting volcano, hits the city.
Dinosaurs vs. Mermaids
Other Titles: War of the Continents
Starring: TBA
Taglines: Land vs Ocean/Need We Say More?
Premise: An paleontologist and a marine biologist find themselves caught up in a war between resurrected dinosaurs and a tribe of mermaids from lost Lemuria.
Ya-Te-Vo
Other Titles: Monster Tree, Zombie Plants from Madagascar
Starring: Lorenzo Lamas, Brooke Hogan
Tagline: Eat your greens... before they eat you!
Premise: A new species of plant is distributed across the world, but turns out to be carnivorous and narcotic. Now the military has to stop them from either eating everyone or turning them into zombies.
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
Rebooting Primal Rage: A Thesis
Those of you regular Chatzygoers may have had to endure me gushing about the new Killer Instinct, the reboot of the 90's fighting game series that most people don't really remember. Reboots as a thing are becoming increasingly popular nowadays - seems there's a big market for nostalgia, and one could indeed argue that Mighty No. 9 (which broke it's funding target in 24 hours holy shit) could be considered a reboot of Mega Man, since Capcom have no interest in the property anymore. With this in mind, I'm going to conduct a thesis on rebooting an intellectual property, one that hasn't seen much action since the halcyon days of the 1990's and probably deserves, out of all the ones I could think of, to get the modern upgrade treatment.
That property, predictably, is a fighting game. And that fighting game is...
...Primal Rage.
What?!
Primal Rage is an arcade fighting game developed by Atari Games and released in 1994. In it, one controlled not human fighters, but giant dinosaur gods struggling for control of a post-apoaclyptic "Urth" after a meteorite strikes the planet and wipes out modern civilization. With the seven characters divided into the "Virtuous Beasts" and the "Destructive Dinos", each one features it's own selection of unique special moves, as well as three gruesome fatalities to perform on defeated opponents. Another notable feature was the troupe of worshippers that followed your dinosaurs about, and occasionally could be eaten to regain health.
Whilst many point to Mortal Kombat as the sole progenitor of the Violent Games Controversy of the 90's, they forget that Primal Rage also had a large hand in the cause of the outcry and it's results. The gore in the game was frankly ridiculous - characters lost gallons of blood with every hit, the life meter was a heart that exploded when you lost and the fatalities themselves were often borderline tasteless. It was Chaos' Golden Shower finisher, where he dissolved the enemy to bones with his acidic urine, that resulted in many of the console ports becoming heavily censored, as well as the formation of the ESRB. To this day, nobody has been able to perfectly emulate the original arcade experience, due to unusual copy protection that has yet to be cracked.
Why?
The thing about Primal Rage was that despite being a clone of Mortal Kombat, it really took off. Atari had high hopes for making a franchise out of the property and pushed it as hard as they could with hundreds of home console ports, a trading card game and even tie-in action figures, which to this day are highly-regared and extremely saught-after collector's items. And while it didn't exactly gain mainstream popularity, the fact that it managed to carve out such a niche on it's own merits is certainly impressive and a sign that an audience for a remake certainly exists.
However, it simply wasn't to last. In the end, Atari simply gave up on the property, as it was deemed unprofitable due to the controversy surrounding it. This resulted in the cancellation of an update that would have outfitted the game with Necrosan, a skeletal alien dragon and the intended final boss, and the sequel, which featured Killer Instinct-style visuals, a new character called Slashfang and human warriors that could transform into the animal gods from the previous game. While the sequel was adapted into a novel, it was clear that Primal Rage had been abandoned as a future franchise.
Also, Killer Instinct got rebooted. If that game can, so can this one.
How?
Rebooting something like Primal Rage is no small task, so we're going to have to get straight to the bone of the matter and talk about the game mechanics first of all. A lot of the game was created in a mad attempt to distance itself from it's inspirations, Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter, and as such the system is a bit of a mess that requires something of an overhaul. Let's begin, shall we?
That property, predictably, is a fighting game. And that fighting game is...
...Primal Rage.
What?!
Primal Rage is an arcade fighting game developed by Atari Games and released in 1994. In it, one controlled not human fighters, but giant dinosaur gods struggling for control of a post-apoaclyptic "Urth" after a meteorite strikes the planet and wipes out modern civilization. With the seven characters divided into the "Virtuous Beasts" and the "Destructive Dinos", each one features it's own selection of unique special moves, as well as three gruesome fatalities to perform on defeated opponents. Another notable feature was the troupe of worshippers that followed your dinosaurs about, and occasionally could be eaten to regain health.
Whilst many point to Mortal Kombat as the sole progenitor of the Violent Games Controversy of the 90's, they forget that Primal Rage also had a large hand in the cause of the outcry and it's results. The gore in the game was frankly ridiculous - characters lost gallons of blood with every hit, the life meter was a heart that exploded when you lost and the fatalities themselves were often borderline tasteless. It was Chaos' Golden Shower finisher, where he dissolved the enemy to bones with his acidic urine, that resulted in many of the console ports becoming heavily censored, as well as the formation of the ESRB. To this day, nobody has been able to perfectly emulate the original arcade experience, due to unusual copy protection that has yet to be cracked.
Why?
The thing about Primal Rage was that despite being a clone of Mortal Kombat, it really took off. Atari had high hopes for making a franchise out of the property and pushed it as hard as they could with hundreds of home console ports, a trading card game and even tie-in action figures, which to this day are highly-regared and extremely saught-after collector's items. And while it didn't exactly gain mainstream popularity, the fact that it managed to carve out such a niche on it's own merits is certainly impressive and a sign that an audience for a remake certainly exists.
However, it simply wasn't to last. In the end, Atari simply gave up on the property, as it was deemed unprofitable due to the controversy surrounding it. This resulted in the cancellation of an update that would have outfitted the game with Necrosan, a skeletal alien dragon and the intended final boss, and the sequel, which featured Killer Instinct-style visuals, a new character called Slashfang and human warriors that could transform into the animal gods from the previous game. While the sequel was adapted into a novel, it was clear that Primal Rage had been abandoned as a future franchise.
Also, Killer Instinct got rebooted. If that game can, so can this one.
How?
Rebooting something like Primal Rage is no small task, so we're going to have to get straight to the bone of the matter and talk about the game mechanics first of all. A lot of the game was created in a mad attempt to distance itself from it's inspirations, Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter, and as such the system is a bit of a mess that requires something of an overhaul. Let's begin, shall we?
- Special Moves: This was the major thing that kept Primal Rage down. The commands for the Special Moves often required more than one button, and instead of traditional SF or MK controls, one had to hold down the attack buttons before performing the joystick motion. While this was remedied in later versions, and also indirectly lead to the creation of Negative Edge (look it up), the fact one needed to press multiple buttons made combos hard to remember and too complicated. In the reboot, Special Moves shoul be performed Street Fighter style, with the properites of the move changing depending on what button is pressed.
- Combos: Combos, while quite fast, tended to suffer due to the wonky nature of the Special Moves affecting the timing of Links. At best, Sauron could only pull off a maximum of 8 hits per combo, and while that's a lot in those days you couldn't get away with it in today's high-octane fighting-game market, unless you're Netherrealm. The introduction of String Combos akin to MK9 or Tekken would solve this issue, as this would allow characters to perform bigger and better combos whilst still feeling similar to the original game. Links would remain in as well, of course.
- Returning Mechanics: Several mechanics from the original Primal Rage would be kept in for prosperity, and also because of their use in the game. The short hop would remain, as it was vital for pulling of combos that required use of jumping attacks, and the Stun Bar, represented by a brain in the original game, would remain as well. The return of the edible worshippers would have to be considered deeply, as that could afford players too many advantages by recovering health.
- Super Bar: Like Killer Instinct and MK9, Primal Rage would benefit from include some sort of super meter into the mechanics. Not only would this encourage a more agressive playstyle in order to build it, but it would add an extra layer to the game's complexity that the original game sorely lacked. What it would be used for, besides the obligatory super attack, I am not sure of. That would be for more talented people to decide.
- Fatalities: It wouldn't be Primal Rage without the Fatalities. And just as MK9 got creative with it's Fatalities, so should Primal Rage. Sauron doesn't just eat you, he tears out your throat, then pins you down and rips out your beating heart. Armadon doesn't just electrocute you, he zaps your arms off and then takes off your head with his tail club as well. Diablo should burn opponents down to the bone, Blizzard should pummel foes to a pulp. Of course, classic Fatalities could make a comeback if there is enough interest.
- Blizzard: Include bracelets and armlets with mystical runes, ice-covered hands and feet akin to Sub-Zero. Very balanced character, has a move for any situation and can implement it easily. Shouldn't excell at one thing.
- Armadon: Cover him in dirt and moss, as if he's been sleeping under the ground for aeons. Make his design smoother and less cluttered, but still recognizably bulky. A grappler who excells at close range, can use electricity as a weak projectile.
- Talon: If we have to give a badass animal like Talon feathers, then make them big and flashy. He should have the feel of a Native American chief about him. A fast, nippy rushdown character with lots of mixups. Possibly a wall jump?
- Sauron: Base him on a stockier dinosaur than Allosaurus, make him somewhat bloated to reflect his role as God of Hunger. A zoning character that uses his sonic scream and weight to keep opponents away from him.
- Diablo: Make him look demonic, all horns and spikes and horrid outgrowths. Glowy eyes are a must. Another zoning character, this time utilizing teleports and different projectiles to confuse enemies.
- Chaos: Dress him in typical voodoo attire - bone necklaces, etc. Another grappler who also uses various status effects to curse others or bless himself. Whilst he should remain filthy and disgusting, this should be toned down massively from the original game.
- Vertigo: A more alien design would suffice, based on HR Geiger's works - more sleek and unnerving. A mixup character who has various tools to keep enemies on their tones. Should bring to mind Quan Chi from MK9.
- Slashfang: A bipedal smilodon who was going to appear in Primal Rage 2, but never did. A bulkier rushdown than Talon, Slashfang should excell at shoving opponents about and basically being a massive bully.
Sunday, 17 June 2012
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