Jurassic World: Some Spoiler-Free Thoughts

"You are acting like we are engaged in some kind of mad science, but we are doing what we have done from the beginning. Nothing in Jurassic World is natural! We have always filled gaps in the genomes with the DNA of other animals, and if their genetic code was pure, many of them would look quite different! But you didn't ask for reality; you asked for more teeth!"

This line, from B.D. Wong's returning character Henry Wu, sums up a lot about Jurassic World. It's a lot of things, that line - it's justification for not keeping up to date with the latest paleontological discoveries (feathered T. rex, what the fuck), and a two-pronged jab with a toasting fork against both the science camp for decrying their choice to do so and the public for demanding bigger and better. It's a little ham-handed, but since the entire film seems to be a massive piss-take of today's Apple and CGI culture, it sort of fits, tonally speaking. Somehow, though, I don't think a film with dinosaurs in it ought to be the place to say so - maybe save that for the Social Justice blogs

It took literally ten years of development hell and botched script drafts, but it's finally here, folks. Jurassic World is set twenty-two years after the events of the first Jurassic Park film, thankfully ignoring the confused mess that was The Lost World and the B-Movie shlock that was Jurassic Park III. We have a theme park full of dinosaurs, and it works, and people love it - but not according to Bryce Dallas-Howard's character, who worships at the altar of Lord Focus Groups. Thinking people don't care for regular dinosaurs anymore, she goes ahead and commisions InGen's scientists to make a literal Frankenstein's dino, a genetic hybrid designed to wow the crowds with how disgustingly overpowered and fierce it is. I don't think it's a spoiler when I say it all goes to shit, thanks to a bunch of behind-the-scenes idiocy, and it ends up putting Bryce's two newphews in danger as the Indominus rex (I still prefer Diabolus) starts being a huge piece of shit and fucking up everything.

WTF Is Up With... Pooh's Adventures?

Nostalgia is a double-edged sword.

On the one hand, it influences such things as Kickstarter, where Mighty No. 9 and other retro-inspired creations can flourish, free from the more toxic influences of this cutting-edge world of ours. It's gratifying to see that the best of the old ways can persevere in a culture that normally won't even spare at glance at anything if it doesn't dynamically render ever drop of sweat on Marcus Fenix's forehead as he chainsaws yet another alien to death. And in many ways, we should be thankful that the things we were brought up on as kids shaped us to be the people we are, instead of decrying the new stuff that's trying to shape the kids of the future in the same way.

On the other hand, Pooh's Adventures.

The smiles are all false, trust me.

I hesitate to classify Pooh's Adventures as a web series, but that's the closest I can get to describing this loose collection of crossover films made by various different people. Mostly a YouTube thing, the basic premise of these films is to shoehorn Winnie the Pooh and his friends, along with fifty other characters from different franchises, into the plots and scenarios of other cartoons, films and related media with about zero respect for continuity, age groups or common sense. I can only assume this to be an offshoot of the Disney crossover stuff made by actually talented people, spawned from the flabby folds of nerds and dorks alike who want to imitate such grand works but only have Windows Movie Maker pre-installed on their laptops.

Just in case you think you've accidentally stumbled across one, keep an eye out for these reoccurring tropes that infect the genre like an inoperable cancer:

• The creator styles themselves as a "studio" much like Disney and Warner Bros., despite having none of the resources or talent. Usually have poorly-spelt usernames, or ones with "movies", "films" or "studio" in them.
• Each video begins with a lengthy series of idents or title sequences. Usually starting with the creator's own, but also adding in those from the franchises used. These can take up half the first video, in the worst cases
• The other characters are brought in through spliced-in footage. The intention is to assume the character's are performing the same actions in the footage, just in the new scene they are in. However, because the creator can't/doesn't cut out the background, it looks as though everyone's standing in different places.
• When a character needs to speak lines they didn't say in the source material, the footage is abruptly muted and subtitles are thrown in. These are uniformly white and in a font that is both simultaneously hard to read and obscuring the actual video. Often, a small segment of dialogue is muted just to get a character to say somebody's name, creating a really jarring effect.
• This is often used to have characters say lines offical characters used, and then have the character that originally said that line respond with "I agree" or some other inanity.
• On that subject, the writing is usually poor as fuck.
• The "film" itself is loosely based on the original film/show being adapted, but every scene is padded out to include the other characters as well. Usually every character, because we have to know just how Snagglepuss and Scamp are reacting, don't we?
• There's almost always a gathering of heroes and a gathering of villains. Often, the villains will be beaten in the same way they were in the films, just with other characters doing it.
• In the very, very worst cases, crossover ships will happen. Dear sweet Poseidon, do they happen.

Or, you know, just look at the video title. Then you should probably run screaming. Hit the jump if you want to know more.

100 Post Special: SK's Cutting Room Floor 2013

So, this is it. RP for 2013 is finally over, and we're off into the golden age of next year. And the best way to enter next year, as always, is arse first with eyes drunken gazing back on the events that have passed. Pairings have formed, controversies were had and jokes were laughed at, but as always there are hidden secrets - things that were considered to occur in RP but never panned out, for one reason or another. And depending on the number of characters involved, the amount of unused stuff varies.

And so, in post-RP tradition, and also in celebration of this being my 100th post on this blog, I would like to present the Steel Komodo Season 3 Cutting Room Floor, full of ideas and stuff that never got used for one reason or another. Hey, it's not Monster Mash, but at least it's something!

1) Section Zero refers to a place in Rutledge where the worst mutants are kept. In pain, insane and dangerous to themselves and others, they're hidden away in padded cells until a cure can be found for their condition. Robbie actually came from Section Zero - his psychic powers are actually quite deadly, despite being a shadow of what the Observer could do, and his cell was specially designed to dampen them in case he went as crazy as the others did. How did Daniel and Carol get him out? He's the only one allowed out for a few hours every day, so he can have a walk and stuff. Also, they give him Sparkle, which is a kind of depressant that some residents began making out of the wild mushrooms that grow outside Rutledge. Sometimes they give it to Section Zero inmates to stop them braining themselves against their cell walls.

There was also a sequence planned where, via UTG or sifter or whatever, some guys would have visteted Rutledge, probably because Robbie got kidnapped. You'd have learned a bit about how things worked there, and met the priest guy and stuff. Also, there was going to be a parody of this song when the mutants of Section Zero tell the Kobbers to take Robbie and GTFO.

2) The guy who runs Rutledge is a priestly guy who is partly based on Gill from Street Fighter 3. He's hoping that, somehow, he can find a way to make the mutants he has in his asylum to rebuild society, which is why I mentioned the activities Carol and Daniel did. His power is twofold - with one hand, he can awaken dormant memories or implant knowledge in a person's mind, and with the other he can either delete meories or edit current ones to make people forget. That second power is the most dangerous one, and he knew it, so he always gave people the choice, when it came to it. He didn't want to risk doing something he'd regret, with powers like that.

And yes, that power was themed on the Truth vs. Ideals thing Reshiram and Zekrom had going on.

3) I was gonna showcase Crusoe's "true" form at some point, but the best I could do was make a shitty recolour of Bills from Battle of Gods. So I said "fuck it" and never used it, because with Daniel's appearance being based on fanart of Bardock we already had enough DBZ.

4) Three Fears that never turned up due to the change in setting where the Plague Doctor, an eccentric old spirit of disease and plague who cared more about alien biology than winning the Grand Game, the Grotesque, a living embodiment of nightmares that would have most likely attacked someone in their sleep in the form of a nightmarish carnival, and the Deep, the Father of Fears who is actually either Poseidon or Jormungand. There was going to be an amusing scene with him where he invited visitors for tea and scones.

There was also going to be an appearance by the Quiet, the Fear of Nothing that is fated to wipe out all life on Earth after the War of the Fears occurs. There was going to be an end-game sequence after defeating Slender Man, where the Quiet turns up and thanks the Kobbers for preventing what was basically Armageddon. But I was so tired after doing the final battle I just said "fuck it" and didn't bother.

5) Swain and Mr. Scars were going to have bigger roles, but that didn't pan out due to time constraints.

6) Originally, the Killer Instinct character was going to be Sabrewulf, searching for a cure to his lycanthropy. I had been looking forward to writing scenes with him interacting with Lyall, and he would have eventually acquired the cybernetic arms from KI2 at some point.

7) While not mentioned in the Mega Post, Firebrand and Persolus spent some time recuperating on the ZFS before returning to Earth. They were also waiting for the heat to die down after Gorr'Rylaehotep and Barghest got so soundly trounced - the Fears would have been mighty suspicious after that.

8) I was originally also going to have a go at the Red Cap, but if you looked her up you'll know why I didn't do it. I also felt it would have been trying too hard to recapture the essence Dirk pre-taming - there isn't much that can capture that particular spark.

9) Concerning Dirk's book plot, it was actually going to be longer. Richard Longshore would have sued Dirk for attempted libel, and it would have lead to a courtroom scene that would have properly cemented the centaur author as a dick and a money-hungry egotist - a kind of mirror-universe Dirk mixed with General Cleft. This was also an opportunity for Dirk to call him out (i.e. quote more Nostalgia Critic) and end the plot on a more desicive finale instead of the off-hand newspaper review I had to do.

10) "Barghest" was an extremely last-minute name for Black Dog's entry into the Halloween Brawl. I could have used the names given in those documents, but I wanted to be a bit more creative. Also, those documents on Fears (at least, Black Dog's and Slender Man's) were actually written a long time ago out of boredom - I didn't anticipate CW and Harpy would actively go looking them up.

11) On the subject of those documents, there was a heavily encoded .zip file in there labelled "HABIT". I'm kinda glad you guys didn't open that one.

Basically, it refers to the character of HABIT from EverymanHYRBID. In ZFRP, Habit would have been one of Slender Man's servants, but not a Proxy - he was a guy with serial killer tendancies possessed by a Jigsaw/Hannibal Lecter-ish demon thing. Collectively known as Habit, they were a wild card in the Collective, and what hints I would give in the files lead to the conclusion that they are either dead for some reason or missing. One certain thing was that he was exiled from the Collective for... some reason or other.

12) There was a sequence planned where the Monster Hunters would have faced of against Dire Miralis. Who is basically the Monster Hunter equivalent of Satan. Alatreon was gonna play a bigger role as well, but then Stan got tied too much to the Society and the plot.

13) The plot point about Rock suffering a memory overload from absorbing weapon data from living beings was gonna be bigger, but there were so many plot things on my hands right now that I didn't want to do it. Also, I was totally going to pull a "Babe the Sheep Pig" and have Rock ask Sine if it was okay for him to call her mom. But I didn't do it because... I didn't want to.

14) Jewel Man was the only Robot Master I was sure of sending up on the outset. Guts Man and Plug Man were the result of a lucky Random.org roll. On the subject of Jewel Man, I was going to defy the stereotype and make him just flamboyant but straight, using his girlish mannerisms to mess with people's heads. But then I lost some brain cells to cider and now he's a horrible characature.

15) There was a bit after Chaosplot where Stan idly mentions tasting copper. If you paid attention in school, you'd know that's one of the first symptoms of an impending heart attack. I was gonna put Stan in peril, for once, so Gemma could be the one saving the day, but then I completely forgot all about the plot. No excuses of tiredness or alcohol here, I just completely forgot it was going to be a thing.

16) Also, to clarify, Robbie is a future version of the Observer, rendered powerless and amnesiac by the Cleansing - the event where the Quiet wipes out life to stop the Fears from fucking everything up. By being exposed to Robbie, the Observer became aware of what was going to happen and the change in timeline that was to occur. He had a plan to pull a Starscream and gain Gorr'Rylaehotep's powers for himself, to try and prevent the War of the Fears, but of course that didn't pan out.

And so there you go. Stuff that didn't make it into ZFRP, or was pushed aside for something else. Hope you enjoyed reading this, and if not then you can simply chase the memories away with a stiff drink. Kind of like what I'm doing right now :U

Rebooting Primal Rage: A Thesis

Those of you regular Chatzygoers may have had to endure me gushing about the new Killer Instinct, the reboot of the 90's fighting game series that most people don't really remember. Reboots as a thing are becoming increasingly popular nowadays - seems there's a big market for nostalgia, and one could indeed argue that Mighty No. 9 (which broke it's funding target in 24 hours holy shit) could be considered a reboot of Mega Man, since Capcom have no interest in the property anymore. With this in mind, I'm going to conduct a thesis on rebooting an intellectual property, one that hasn't seen much action since the halcyon days of the 1990's and probably deserves, out of all the ones I could think of, to get the modern upgrade treatment.

That property, predictably, is a fighting game. And that fighting game is...

...Primal Rage.

What?!
Primal Rage is an arcade fighting game developed by Atari Games and released in 1994. In it, one controlled not human fighters, but giant dinosaur gods struggling for control of a post-apoaclyptic "Urth" after a meteorite strikes the planet and wipes out modern civilization. With the seven characters divided into the "Virtuous Beasts" and the "Destructive Dinos", each one features it's own selection of unique special moves, as well as three gruesome fatalities to perform on defeated opponents. Another notable feature was the troupe of worshippers that followed your dinosaurs about, and occasionally could be eaten to regain health.

Whilst many point to Mortal Kombat as the sole progenitor of the Violent Games Controversy of the 90's, they forget that Primal Rage also had a large hand in the cause of the outcry and it's results. The gore in the game was frankly ridiculous - characters lost gallons of blood with every hit, the life meter was a heart that exploded when you lost and the fatalities themselves were often borderline tasteless. It was Chaos' Golden Shower finisher, where he dissolved the enemy to bones with his acidic urine, that resulted in many of the console ports becoming heavily censored, as well as the formation of the ESRB. To this day, nobody has been able to perfectly emulate the original arcade experience, due to unusual copy protection that has yet to be cracked.

Why?
The thing about Primal Rage was that despite being a clone of Mortal Kombat, it really took off. Atari had high hopes for making a franchise out of the property and pushed it as hard as they could with hundreds of home console ports, a trading card game and even tie-in action figures, which to this day are highly-regared and extremely saught-after collector's items. And while it didn't exactly gain mainstream popularity, the fact that it managed to carve out such a niche on it's own merits is certainly impressive and a sign that an audience for a remake certainly exists.

However, it simply wasn't to last. In the end, Atari simply gave up on the property, as it was deemed unprofitable due to the controversy surrounding it. This resulted in the cancellation of an update that would have outfitted the game with Necrosan, a skeletal alien dragon and the intended final boss, and the sequel, which featured Killer Instinct-style visuals, a new character called Slashfang and human warriors that could transform into the animal gods from the previous game. While the sequel was adapted into a novel, it was clear that Primal Rage had been abandoned as a future franchise.

Also, Killer Instinct got rebooted. If that game can, so can this one.

How?
Rebooting something like Primal Rage is no small task, so we're going to have to get straight to the bone of the matter and talk about the game mechanics first of all. A lot of the game was created in a mad attempt to distance itself from it's inspirations, Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter, and as such the system is a bit of a mess that requires something of an overhaul. Let's begin, shall we?

• Special Moves: This was the major thing that kept Primal Rage down. The commands for the Special Moves often required more than one button, and instead of traditional SF or MK controls, one had to hold down the attack buttons before performing the joystick motion. While this was remedied in later versions, and also indirectly lead to the creation of Negative Edge (look it up), the fact one needed to press multiple buttons made combos hard to remember and too complicated. In the reboot, Special Moves shoul be performed Street Fighter style, with the properites of the move changing depending on what button is pressed.
• Combos: Combos, while quite fast, tended to suffer due to the wonky nature of the Special Moves affecting the timing of Links. At best, Sauron could only pull off a maximum of 8 hits per combo, and while that's a lot in those days you couldn't get away with it in today's high-octane fighting-game market, unless you're Netherrealm. The introduction of String Combos akin to MK9 or Tekken would solve this issue, as this would allow characters to perform bigger and better combos whilst still feeling similar to the original game. Links would remain in as well, of course.
• Returning Mechanics: Several mechanics from the original Primal Rage would be kept in for prosperity, and also because of their use in the game. The short hop would remain, as it was vital for pulling of combos that required use of jumping attacks, and the Stun Bar, represented by a brain in the original game, would remain as well. The return of the edible worshippers would have to be considered deeply, as that could afford players too many advantages by recovering health.
• Super Bar: Like Killer Instinct and MK9, Primal Rage would benefit from include some sort of super meter into the mechanics. Not only would this encourage a more agressive playstyle in order to build it, but it would add an extra layer to the game's complexity that the original game sorely lacked. What it would be used for, besides the obligatory super attack, I am not sure of. That would be for more talented people to decide.
• Fatalities: It wouldn't be Primal Rage without the Fatalities. And just as MK9 got creative with it's Fatalities, so should Primal Rage. Sauron doesn't just eat you, he tears out your throat, then pins you down and rips out your beating heart. Armadon doesn't just electrocute you, he zaps your arms off and then takes off your head with his tail club as well. Diablo should burn opponents down to the bone, Blizzard should pummel foes to a pulp. Of course, classic Fatalities could make a comeback if there is enough interest.

But the mechanics are nothing if one has boring characters, and Primal Rage's cast of beasts were indeed the main draw of the game. Just like Killer Instinct, a reboot of Primal Rage should consider refining the characters into designated roles and removing the more over-the-top moves to prevent them playing alike. New characters would have to be created to buff up the roster, but here's a brief summary of the how first playable eight should be redesigned and updated.

• Blizzard: Include bracelets and armlets with mystical runes, ice-covered hands and feet akin to Sub-Zero. Very balanced character, has a move for any situation and can implement it easily. Shouldn't excell at one thing.
• Armadon: Cover him in dirt and moss, as if he's been sleeping under the ground for aeons. Make his design smoother and less cluttered, but still recognizably bulky. A grappler who excells at close range, can use electricity as a weak projectile.
• Talon: If we have to give a badass animal like Talon feathers, then make them big and flashy. He should have the feel of a Native American chief about him. A fast, nippy rushdown character with lots of mixups. Possibly a wall jump?
• Sauron: Base him on a stockier dinosaur than Allosaurus, make him somewhat bloated to reflect his role as God of Hunger. A zoning character that uses his sonic scream and weight to keep opponents away from him.
• Diablo: Make him look demonic, all horns and spikes and horrid outgrowths. Glowy eyes are a must. Another zoning character, this time utilizing teleports and different projectiles to confuse enemies.
• Chaos: Dress him in typical voodoo attire - bone necklaces, etc. Another grappler who also uses various status effects to curse others or bless himself. Whilst he should remain filthy and disgusting, this should be toned down massively from the original game.
• Vertigo: A more alien design would suffice, based on HR Geiger's works - more sleek and unnerving. A mixup character who has various tools to keep enemies on their tones. Should bring to mind Quan Chi from MK9.
• Slashfang: A bipedal smilodon who was going to appear in Primal Rage 2, but never did. A bulkier rushdown than Talon, Slashfang should excell at shoving opponents about and basically being a massive bully.

That's all I got for now. This post may be updated with more info in the future, so keep an eye on it. I may also create in-depth documents of how the characters should work and what moves and Fatalities they should have, if people are interested enough. Until then, feel free to discuss this in the comments!

Some Words About Iron Man 3

So I just got back from seeing Iron Man 3 at my local cinema. And I'm not gonna lie, it rules. The actors are still great, injecting a whole lot of personality and heart into the script. The effects are as amazing as ever, and some of the stunts will leave you gaping with amazement or cringing with fear. And the story is fast-paced, full of intruige and on-the-seat tense at times. There are moments where you'll burst out laughing, especially at half of the stuff Tony says and the antics of the badly-behaved Mark 42 armour.

The film even manages to do the impossible by making Tony Stark, a man as fazed by danger as a rhino is by an irritated sparrow, seem vulnerable and desperate - he's dealing with a force that strikes from the shadows, never being where he wants it to be and never facing him personally like he wants. It responds to his overconfident threats by blowing up his house and stripping him of his suit, forcing him to use his head and think his way past the Extremis-dosed assassins trying to kill him. And the best sequence in the film has to be the arrival of the Iron Legion, all the suits Stark has built leaping in to help him save Pepper Potts and defeat the villain.

That said, however, I have a major problem with the film.

And that's it's villain - the Mandarin.

SPOILERS START HERE! HIGHLIGHT TEXT TO REVEAL SPOILERS!

We start off with this shadowy, robed figure seated on a throne, bearing his iconic ten rings and leading a veritable army of loyal terrorists. From the get-go, he launches into fantastic rants about his cause, comparing the ideals of America to a fortune cookie in a metaphor that sent chills down my spine. His identity is a mystery, he can strike at anything from anywhere and he has access to the hihgly-unstable Extremis virus, making his forces that much more dangerous. The sudden segue's into his video speeches, and indeed the videos themselves, are like something out of fucking Marble Hornets - genuinely scary in their imagery and coming right the fuck out of nowhere. You expect a massive showdown with this guy, the kind that rocks the socks of the movie-going audience.

And then Stark breaks into where the Mandarin is supposed to be, and it turns out the bearded figure on the TV is a mere puppet, bribed with cheap beer and women. The real Mandarin is Aldrich Killian, the leader of A.I.M. and Pepper Pott's old squeeze, who has a vaguely defined plan to kill the president and take over the U.S. Also something about the vice-president's daughter needing the Extremis to live, it wasn't very well explained. Killian injects himself with Extremis, becoming a fire-breathing monstrosity that Stark has to jump between various suits to defeat.

I honestly felt kind of cheated by this twist. Granted it was a very clever twist - for a while, Killian was thought to be working for the Mandarin - but I feel that Killian was a far weaker villain than the puppet he was controlling. His sole motivation for his actions was a classic case of rejection, going after Stark because Pepper chose him instead, and his attempts at giving villainous monologues came off as passive-agressive whinging. Granted, the way he transformed from the start of the film into a crippled nerd into a swathe, handsome jock was pretty cool, but in the end the character was nothing more than a) a big child throwing a temper tantrum and b) another scientific genius, which Tony has fought at least three times before.

The Mandarin puppet was a far more fascinating character, in my opinion. He had the air of a shadow, mysterious showman who had seemingly no end to the tricks he could pull, soliloquizing about the "lessons" he was trying to teach America, and felt like a far bigger and more credible threat than the scorned child Killian showed himself to be. His speeches felt like something from Sun Tzu's Art of War, the source of the character's philosophy, and the stuff he didn't only just make you despise him, but also geniunely wonder what was going on in his head. In the end, the reveal that he was a drunken British actor being paid by the word served to undermine all the character's intruige and felt like a complete cop-out. What's even sadder is that even though he commands the Ten Rings group from the first film and we get a glimpse of the rings he wears, the connection is never made and nothing comes from that little point.

Personally, I would have liked to have a Mandarin that was closer to the comics than what we got in the film. Say we have a man who, in the aftermath of losing his family to the Chitauri invasion in Avengers, finds the rings in the wreckage of a ship and discovers their mysterious powers. Blaming Tony for his losses and deciding America to be weak, he overtakes the Ten Rings group and uses the rings to convince people he is a sorceror, using fear and tricks to decieve people into doing his bidding. Blackmailing A.I.M. into handing over the Extremis formula, he uses it to create the super-soldiers he needs to send his ten "messages" to the government, whilst at the same time calling Iron Man out on failing to live up to what's expected of him. Killain commits suicide, unable to bear witness to his project becoming weaponized, and Stark has to confront the Mandarin when he strikes at Potts as a means to make Stark feel the same pain he felt when he lost his family. Cue showdown with Stark jumping between suits to combat the effects of Mandarin's rings.

Also, throwing A.I.M. in like that may have been a bit too much. Save it for the fourth film, guys - I know you can make M.O.D.O.K. cool!

SPOILERS END HERE!

So yeah, great film but really weak villain. By all means catch it when you can, as it still delivers everything you'd expect from a film featuring Robert Downey Jr. and co., but the big reveal of the film might leave you dissapointed. On a side note, I saw it in 3D, which probably didn't really add that much to the experience, but I don't rate films based on that alone, so feel free to splash out if you want to. But not on snacks. Fuck cinema food prices.

Useless Disturbing Nature Facts 2 - Everything is Evil

As we all know, Nature is wierd. It gives us giant venemous lizards, bees that have gangbangs, shrimps with guns and octopi with penis arms. But sometimes, you have to look at some of the things evolution has given us and wonder if Mother Gaia still harbours some kind of grudge for paving over all her beautiful green fields and whatnot. Because sometimes, animals and plants don't just turn out wierd. They turn out completely sadistic, the kind of things you don't want to see in a dark alleyway and make Jeff the Killer seem like a cheery kid's bedtime story.

So without further adieu, Useless Disturbing Nature Facts 2 - Everything is Evil.

• Strangler Figs are evil because they do just exactly what their name implies. Once they germinate in the branches of a tree, they wind their massive roots down the trunk and into the ground, whilst spreading their own leaves up above the tree's own leaves. The roots basically girdle the tree - that is, they cut off the supply of nutrients from the roots by crushing the xylem in the bark - whilst stealing water and nutrients from the tree's roots, while the leaves steal the sunlight the original tree needs. For comparison, imagine being slowly strangled to death whilst some other jerk eats your food and watches your T.V. So basically, children like to play hide-and-seek in the roots of serial killers.
• Coral Snakes are evil because they all look alike. It's not enough for them to be incredibly venomous to the point of being lethal to humans, they've also got to have very similar patterns of red, black, white and yellow bands on their bodies to advertise what massive jerks they are. In fact, many unrelated species of coral snake share remarkably similar patterns, reinforcing the protection both species share. It's gotten to the point where the birds that used to prey on them are scared to death of anything remotely patterned like a coral snake.
• Golden Eagles are evil because they eat tortoises. That doesn't sound so bad - after all, they gotta eat somehow. The problem is that the eagles go out of their way to make the tortoises' final moments as painful as possible. See, trying to open a tortoise's shell is like opening a tin with your fingers, so what the eagle does is snatch up a tortoise, carry it as high as they can and then drop it onto a collection of sharp rocks to break the shell. Now, keep in mind that the shell of a tortoise is part of it's body - the spine and ribs form the distinct dome shape you associate with the animal. The eagles are basically ripping the tortoises in half. For such a glorified bird, that's kind of a dick move.
• Special mention goes to the Red-Backed Shrike of Britain, which has some seriously fucked-up eating habits. These cute little balls of feathers keep larders of food, which consist of corpses impaled on the thorns of bushes like a serial killer's art collection. What's even more disturbing is that they also use this larder to impress potential mates as well, with only the freshest corpses standing a chance. It's like trying to get a girlfriend who likes you because you have the posters for only the latest slasher films on your wall. Let that sink in for a moment.
• Wolverines are evil because... well, let's put this into perspective. This thing is about 42 inches long and weighs about 25 kilograms. And yet it's prey includes such animals as caribou, sheep, deer, elk and moose. Animals that are at the most three times it's own weight. They do this by climbing onto rocky outcrops, and then jumping onto their backs when they pass by. These things even routinely hunt bears, using the same tactic and biting them over and over until they die of blood loss and exhaustion. Of all the animals to base a beloved Marvel comics character on, the wolverine has to be the most psychotic.
• Toothpick Fish are evil because they render you sterile. I'm not even joking. What they do is that they swim around in a circle, trying to sense traces of urea in the water from the gills of another, bigger fish. Then they slip inside the fish's gills, stab them with their dorsal spines until the blood starts flowing, and then drink it up. Now, what part of the human body produces urea that would be a likely target for a hungry toothpick fish? You're welcome.
• Cane Toads are evil because they're randy bastards. To elaborate - Davian behaviour is the scientific term for necrophilia in the animal kingdom. In most cases, it's instinctual, and the animal involved probably doesn't even realize that hot tail their after isn't so much hot as cold. But the cane toad not only humps corpses - it humps corpses of any animal, regardless of species. Not just other frogs and toads, but snakes, lizards, salamanders and small mammals as well. Imagine Dirk if he lost all his inhibitions - wait, on second thoughts, don't.
• Mantidflies are evil because their babies eat spider babies. What the mantidfly does is that it catches a spider, but doesn't kill it - it lays its egg on the spider's abdomen, just where it can't reach. Then, when the spider lays eggs and weaves a protective silk ball around them, the mantidfly larva sneaks in and eats them up before they hatch. Granted, they're ridding the world of more spiders, which is a good thing, but just imagine what the spider mother must feel when she finds out what happened. That's just cold, Mantidfly.

Next time on Useless Disturbing Nature Facts - the prehistoric fish that moves faster than a car!

5 Reasons You Should Be Playing Tekken Tag Tournament 2 Right Now

So I got Tekken Tag Tournament 2 yesterday. And it's awesome. And because I'm that sort of person, I'm going to shamelessly plug it and tell you why you should be buying it right now, even if you're not that good at fighting games. But unlike all those other times I've mentioned fighting games and sperged about the in-depth mechanics and whatnot, I'm going to throw the five best parts of the game at you that have nothing to do with actually playing the game. I dunno, maybe some of this will appeal to you.

5. The Music

 

Listen to this. LISTEN TO IT. It's catchy, it's bouncy and you'll have it in your head all damned day. It's like something you could find playing in an actual club somewhere. And that's just the character select screen - the whole game is loaded with amazing pieces that you'll find yourself listening to again and again. Jin's remixed theme from Tekken 3 will get you pumped as all hell, whilst the Customize screen music is all smooth and relaxing. Most of them are by Namco's Akitaka Tohyama, but a fair chunk of them, like the Fiji and Christmas stage themes, are made by other artists, like sanodg and Keiichi Obake. All of them are amazing.

4. Combot and Fight Lab

Say you've picked up Tekken Tag Tournament 2 as your first 3D fighter, and you're a cack-handed button masher who can barely play Street Fighter anyway. That's okay - just head right to the Fight Lab, where Lee Chaolan will fix you up with a Combot and take you through 5 stages of bizzare randomness that secretly teaches you how to not suck in an actual fight. Who knew that caber-tossing Mokujins, wrestling Anna Williams dressed as an octopus and beating up expys of Ken, Ryu and Akuma could teach you so much about playing fighting games?

But that's not all. Going through Fight Lab earns you a special currency separate from the in-game G currency. These points are spent on pimping out your Combot with moves from other characters. Want Heihachi's spin kick, Ogre's wings and Bob's wierd Shoryuken thing? You can have that! Then take your robotic masterpiece online and find out how much of an overpowered monster he is! Go, Combot, Go! We all believe in you!

3. Free DLC Characters

 

Remember Street Fighter X Tekken, when Capcom was forcing us to empty our wallets for twelve extra characters already on the disc? That wasn't cool. Namco has the right idea - all the DLC characters are completely free of charge, and you don't even need them to enjoy the game properly! So you don't need  to have Kunimitsu, Michelle Chang or Angel on your roster, but if you want them, there they are. Go get them. Then play Slim Bob and troll your friends online. Or play Dr. Bosconovitch and relive the good old days. At least you don't have to pay for that shit, right?

2. The Intro Movie

If the sight of Ogre bursting out of the arena floor and spitting fire at a screaming crowd doesn't get you pumped for this game, you are a jaded person. Also, again, the music is just boss - a remix of the classic Tekken Tag Tournament theme that's three times more awesome than the original. Other sights include Lili and Asuka stuck in a lift, Nina and Anna doing their usual thing and Jinpachi infiltrating a taxi cab to get to the tournament. Of all the reasons you should at least give this game a look-over, this alone should convince you.

But even this cinematic masterpiece cannot live up to the epic that is...

1. Tiger Jackson, Bitches

I don't care what you say about any other character in the game. I don't care if Jin's your bog-standard anime anti-hero with superpowers, if Leo is a boy or a girl or if Lars is more tourney-viable. None of them will live up to the sheer, unbridled, "your argument is now invalid" badassery that is Tiger Jackson. Tiger is the kind of man who would listen to Jin whine about his lot in life, casually say "Cool story, bro," and then go out and buy drinks for everyone with his credit card. That's how chill he is.

Look at him. Look at his retro shades, flashy lights and tacky jeans. Look at him busting out his disco dance styles in the middle of the fight and going whoo. This is a man with testicles the size of Texas. He just plain doesn't give a shit about who or what you are. In a fighting tournament that lets you get away with being a robot, a dinosaur or a giant demon with snakes for an arm, Tiger Jackson still has time to break it down right there in the arena, simply because that's what he does. So what if he's an Eddy Gordo pallete-swap? He's still more awesome than rich bitch Lili or grumpy old Feng Wang. Play Tiger Jackson.

So there you have it. Without pulling out the kind of jargon that leaves Scotty scratching his head, five excellent reasons for checking out Tekken Tag Tournament 2. There's loads more I could mention, but then you'd be spending more time reading this thing and less time going out and actually getting the game. Just do it already.

A word of warning, though. Watch out for the swimsuit DLC costumes. Some things aren't meant to be seen by the mortal eye.



Except now you have seen it OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE D:

Steel Komodo's Character Ramble

Because Erebus and Goops did it, and I'm nothing if not eager to jog several feet behind the bandwagon. :P

You may notice that Solomon, Samson and David have been turning up less frequently. That's mostly because I've run out of things to do with them, what with having their big main villain being killed off and all. I've had several ideas of what could be done with them - a thing with them getting used to modern culture and technology, more on the interdimensional crack, or maybe showing his daily life in his home dimension. Or maybe something about the alien technology that falls onto their world. Really though, unless inspiration strikes me soon, you might not see too much of these guys, and a lot of my old plotline ideas got thrown out because I'm too squeamish to shove another bargoer in a metaphorical torture room that would make Jigsaw weep with jealousy.

Pit and his band have been quite fun to write. I always enjoy putting different personalities in the same room and watching them bounce off each other, as it makes for great comedy. Pit's cheery nature juxtaposes nicely against Bobby's biting sarcasm, Delia's helpfulness Marcus's relaxed outlook on life and Jimmy's enigmatic clanging. But that doesn't mean it's all roses and picnics - I have a little something on the side that will certaintly shake the gang's financial future a little bit, and it involves a lot of broadway songs. And while I'm about it, Dark Pit has recieved nothing but laughter and praise from my Skypemates for his foul mouth, impulsiveness and tendency to slap women on the ass and smoke marijuana. The struggle between him and Pit is something I'll elaborate on later, although in all honesty I have no idea where I'm going with it, so expect a lot of made-up-on-the-spot stuff.

Alex was a personal challenge to see if I could write a character who, by dint of being a dinosaur, doesn't speak. The results were interesting, to say the least - like a newborn puppy, Alex is full of curiosity and wants to try out everything the world has to offer. The fact that he's so smart adds another layer to his character - how is he so intelligent? Where did he come from? How does he type with boxing gloves on? More will be revealed as time goes on, although for now I'm sort of restricting him to happy fun times to avoid plot overload.

Wukong was a nice experiment - so far, no-one has been able to beat him in battle, and he's made his mark as one of the few people in the bar who can overcome Erebus in strength. But there really wasn't much to his character apart from that, and he wasn't very 90's. I quickly got bored with writing him, and while I did have some plot ideas that incorporated the various alternate costumes he wears in League of Legends, I felt retiring him via the art of combat he loves so much was a fitting way to retire him.

Darius Layton is pretty much in the same spot as Solomon and company, and future appearances from him depend on what I can do with the Arbiters. Boris Walrustein isn't meant to have much of an impact in the RP World, although you may see him a bit more frequently if all goes according to plan. Also, I really need to do something about Daisy being in her coma - she's just sort of lying there, and not much is really being done to solve her problem, as minor as she is. Jonah is dead, plain and simple, as is Lucy, so no more from them.

And because I'm rubbish at foreshowding, the next villain for my RP will be Kazuya Mishima, to complement Alex's appearance. His plot (which, in case you haven't guessed, is to recapture Alex) is on hold due to similarities with the Bulgrave plot, but I can assure you I have a plot detail in mind that will make him a very, very hated villain in the bargoer circles. It may also involved more bullying of Doctor Geppetto Bosconovitch, who will also get a major role in the plot, but will most certainly not be villainous in any way possible.

Finally, Michigan J. Lee is an actual thing. That is all I will say for now.

Hope you enjoyed yet another bandwagon following from yours truly!

Summer Cleaning

It's like Spring Cleaning, but in the wrong season.

So I did a little tidying up. Namely, I deleted that old Harvest Moon LP/Fanfic thing that was never gonna be finished in any measure at all. A few other bullshitty things have gone as well, and I changed my blog name. It's easier on the tongue than Kombat Temple of Ormagoden.

Watch this space - I have a treat for you all.

God Damn I'm So Bored

So have a stupid YouTube video.

Useless Disturbing Nature Facts

Well, Goops asked for it and I shall deliver. Here's a list of disturbing facts about the world around you that will probably be of no use in life whatsoever.

• The third right arm of the Great Pacific octopus is actually it's penis.
• The Komodo dragon was once thought to have bacteria in it's saliva that killed it's prey by blood poisoning. In fact, the Komodo dragon uses a kind of venom, making it the largest venomous reptile in the world.
• A species of spider called Evarcha culicivora uses a special perfume to attrack mates. What do they use? Malaria-infected blood.
• In Australia, male Dawson's bees hatch first, emerging from their underground nests and waiting for the females to emerge a month or two later. When the females do hatch and tunnel out, the males begin fighting over the right to mate with them, forming rolling balls of stinging, biting carnage. Sometimes, a female will get caught up in the scrum and be killed.
• Convict fish are wierd. They make burrows to lay their eggs, the babies hatch and stay together in a group as they swim about and feed. But the parents never leave their burrow. So what could they eat whilst they stay down there?
• Humboldt sqiud are ravenous hunters - when one of their own is hooked by fishermen, the others often devour it before it can be pulled up.
• The African brunsvigia grows so fast you can actually see it blooming. This is because they only last a few weeks before being wilted by the sun, so they must get pollinated as quickly as possible. When this happens, the flowers transform into seed-carrying capsules. The wind snaps off the entire top half of the plant, which rolls down slopes dispensing seeds as it goes.
• Japan has a species of beetle that collects drupes (a kind of fruit) to feed their young with. Females may try to steal drupes from others, and the babies will often move to a better burrow if their own mother cannot feed them well enough. Also, the babies last meal before they leave their home... is their own mother.
• The pistol shrimp's "gun" claw works by firing a high-pressure cavitation bubble, which is strong enough to kill small fish. As the bubble collapses, it momentarily reaches 4,700°C in temperature - 800°C short of the shun's temparature, 5'500°C.
• Some species of stomapod (or mantis shrimp) use their hammer like-claws in a similar way. Their muscular forearms, when swung, can reach 50mph (23 m/s) from a standing start, and the force of the blow creates a cavitation bubble that generates force between the victim and the club. In effect, the prey is struck twice, and this is usually enough to shatter the shells of sea snails, crabs and oysters. Those stomapods that possess the club-like arms have been known to smash aquarium glass.
• The thirst snake is a South American snake that eats nothing but snails. They get the snails out of their shells by using the shorter, upper jaw as a brace against the shell, then forcing the longer lower jaw into the shell past the hood, pulling out the snail's body and swallowing it. Because their diet is so soft, thirst snakes don't have the expandable chin flaps on other species, and cannot eat anything larger.
• Crocodiles and alligators cannot stick their tongues out.
• A duck's quack does not echo, and no-one knows why.

I'll post more, if people demand it. Hmm, what other ways does Mother Nature like to freak us out?

Another Cutting Room Floor

So I do my best to update this blog when I can, and always put up some content that interests at least one of you lot. But occasionally, a post I was going to put up here doesn't quite make it. Perhaps I lose motivation, or maybe I get distracted by the shiny wrapping on a brand new game, or maybe flying marshmallow people invade and I have to take cover. Whatever the case, sometime a post just never comes to be.

For general interest, here's a list of blog posts that are either completely cancelled or put on hold until I can come out of my current state of "cannot be arsed". Comment/complain/petition for me to write one of these as you wish.

The RP Whine
What Was It?: Fueled by irritation and alcohol, I lash out at trends in other people's RP which I find annoying, indulging in one of the pettiest gripes since Christian Bale yelled at that stage hand.
Current Status: A Tiny Crab.
Why?: Halfway through writing it, one of my insidious shoulder gremlins popped up and whacked me upside the head with a rolled-up newspaper. "Shame on you, Steel Komodo," spake he. "Do you really have a right to complain about how Goops shoehorns in happy endings all the time when you're going to be RP'ing a bunch of unreasonable dicks this year?" Perspective thus gained, I deleted the rant, changed the title and pasted in a picture of a tiny crab. Go marvel at how tiny he is.

T.E.K.K.E.N - A Creeepypasta
What Was It?: The standard video game creepypasta fare - gullible moron buys a bootleg copy of his favourite game and gets scared by excessive gore and loud noises. Except the noise and gore form a coherant story that explains why characters like Kunimitsu don't appear in the games anymore, and what the shitting hell Lars Fanfixandersson is doing here.
Current Status: On Hold.
Why?: Writing creepypastas is harder than you think, dear readers. The more you try to avoid the cliches of bleeding eyes, hyper-realism and utterly stupid protagonists, the more writing something feels like a chore instead of a fulfilling experience. This one is hiding away in my archives until I can figure out how to make a story about shitty new characters replacing good old ones actually scary.

There's A Party Over At The Bar
What Was It?: Another Disney sing-along by yours truly, themed on Erebus and Jonesy's wedding.
Current Status: Cancelled.
Why?: No point in writing about something that's already happened, thus leaving the song pretty much irrelevant. Also, it's really, REALLY hard to find good rhymes nowadays.

Useless, Disturbing Nature Facts
What Was It?: A collection of obscure, somewhat disturbing facts about the natural world, such as what a Great Pacific Octopus' thrid right arm is, or what the bees in Australia get up to in Spring.
Current Status: On Hold.
Why?: "OH GOD SOMEONE PASS ME THE BRAIN BLEACH" would have been the general response to this post. This one has been archived until you are mentally prepared for Nature being it's usual dickish self.

Self-Inserts, and Why I Hate Them

Enough of me gushing about games that nobody cares about. Time for me to get a thing off off of my chest.

Writing characters is hard. Everyone who reads this blog should know this, and anyone who's attempted writing longer than a few paragraphs should know this, too. And as we all know, the human mind is conditioned to try and find the easy way out of any problem the world throws at it. I remember waaaay back in secondary school (or whatever you Americans have in place of it) when I suddenly got the urge to write a fantasy novel about a civil war between knight and ninjas. The title would have been Ninjas vs. Knights, which shows you how much of a creative drive I had back then, and would have featured a roster of characters based loosely on myself and the circle of friends that I was a part of in those days. I figured that since coming up with proper characters is hard to do, I'd simply use our personalities as a template - a phenomenon that hive of scum and villainy TV Tropes calles "Write Who You Know".

I got as far as the first chapter before realising "Why would I want to do this terrible thing?"

See, I appreciate that it's hard to give depth to a person who doesn't really exist - all that nonsense with backstory and justifications is like trying to untangle a giant knot in a shoe-lace factory. But if you go to all the effort, then it can be hugely rewarding - a character can become something else entirely. They end up having their own voice and thoughts, and they fit into the world you've built as smoothly as a hand in a nice warm winter glove. Writing them can become second nature once you have all their quirks and characteristics down. And when that happens, it's wonderful.

But creating a character who stands in for yourself or a person you know, as far as I'm concerned, is a cheap and lazy tactic. When you do that, you immediately show your audience that you have all the imagination of a brick, that you have absolutely no intention of putting any kind of effort or creativity into your work, and would rather just paste an established personality into a setting. As a person who likes to spend the effort making sure that his characters make sense and have credible personalities that the audience can identify and sympathise with, it grinds my gears to see people trying to cheat their way out of one of the most vital aspects of story-telling. If you're going to skimp out like that, then there's a good chance you're going to skimp out on everything else too, you talentless hack.

And it becomes even more obvious if the kind of person you've based your character on does not even fit into the setting - your skater cousin might be a cool and infulential person in this modern world of wonder, but even if you made him a bard who spoke in the generic fantasy English of the setting, he'd still get chucked in the dungeons in all probability because he called the princess a funny street name. When you create a character, you have to ensure that their personality is not only credible, but makes sense in the context of the worldbuilding you've done - their race, history and relationships with people around them. There is no excuse for cheaping out and copy-pasting your own personality, because then that raises the question of why the palace guards haven't shot you for using the world "dude", which, for the sake of example, might sound vaguely like the Dwarvish word for "prostitute".

But there's an even bigger problem with self-inserts that butters my crampons more than anything else. Often, the writer is literally putting himself into the story for the sake of wish-fulfilment. To elaborate, here is a quote from Yahtzee Croshow of Zero Punctuation fame in one of his many snarks against Ctrl Alt Delete, that lurching zombie of a webcomic:

"But while you are a repressed, socially retarded dullard who no one would ever honestly admit to liking, your author insertion character is a fantasy, so they will be a charismatic eccentric who is unconditionally loved by everyone, even while he's setting their dog on fire."

Do you see what I'm getting at? The one big reason for making a self-insert character is to stroke the author's ego - they want to snog the princess, slay the dragon and do all the awesome things they can never do because their copius cheeto-dusted bulk is permanently glued to the chair in front of their laptop. I went into writing Ninjas vs. Knights with a similar mindset - I only wrote it because I wanted to turn myself and all of my friends into a quirky action squad worthy of a Power Rangers film directed by Michael Bay (Let's hope that never happens), and as I mature I look back on this and wonder how I possibly could have been so God-shockingly retarded. Was my self-esteem really so low that I had to steal the name of a rejected Mortal Kombat character and put myself as the head of a ninja clan to make myself feel better? Had I become so bored with my otherwise decent life to even consider writing such a hopeless fantasy, regardless of the fact that ninjas and knights didn't even exist in the same fucking time period? It goes without saying that this is why author-insertion is considered a symptom of the Mary-Sue disease - because the character in question is basically the author doing what he wants in a world of his own making in order to make him feel more worthy of existing than he really is.

Phew, that was a big paragraph.

Anyway, let me just clear this up right now, because I know someone is going to call me out on this - Gooper, I'm not attacking you. The thought never crossed my mind. It was brave of you to admit that Widow Maker was an author-insert, and for the most part I have no problem with that, because at least you're not trying to fulfil some deranged wankfest. But I am of the mindset that a character should be their own thing, and have their own personality and depth. Using a character as a mouthpiece for your own beliefs is generally a bad idea, especially in RP'ing situations such as DnD and whatnot. But sadly, there are some people out there who just don't seem to understand this (I'm looking at you, B^Uckley and Dominic Deegan).

Welp, rant over. Tune in next time, when I gushingly review Street Fighter X Tekken and drop subliminal hints telling you to play as King.

Fighting Game Terminology - A Beginner's Guide

I love fighting games.

I think I've said this so much you automatically puke whenever I bring it up, but I love them so much. The intense mindgames with an opponent, the rush of adrenaline while pulling off a tricky combo, and the sense of achievement that comes from securing victory with a well-placed super move - these are things that few games, for me, so readily provide. They might not be everyone's cup of tea, I'll admit that, but for those willing to devote the time and effort to mastering them, there's a world of rewards to be had, including the smug superiority of knowing you're better at them than the friends you invite over for parties.

But like a lot of things in this world, including science and the Geneva Convention, the competetive fighting game scenario is one that is littered with lots of strange lingo that confuses and baffles those people who are new to the whole thing. What do feet have to do with fighting games, apart from kicking people? What is a combo, and can I get one at McDonalds? For those not in the know about the many perks and nuances of the genre, or about the competetive scene full stop, it can be like trying to learn French with nothing more than a dictionary and Google Translate (trust me, I know what it's like).

But hope is not lost, my friends! With the European release of Street Fighter X Tekken less than a month away, I'd like to take the opportunity to complie a small list of fighting game terminology, along with their defenitions, in order to help those budding World Warriors or Kings of Iron Fist out there get to grips with the confusing world in front of them, and perhaps improve their own playstyle by keeping these important terms in mind. Who knows - maybe this post will inspire someone out there to become the next Justin Wong or Daigo Umehara!

...Then maybe I will grow electric wings and fly up to the Moon Kingdom.

Baiting
Baiting is a practive used by players to try and lure an opponent into making a mistake, leaving them open to attack. Baiting often consists of deliberately whiffing moves to lull the opponent into a false sense of security.

Example: "Good Baiting from Daigo!"

BnB
BnB is an abbreviation of Bread-and-Butter. This refers to a combo or technique for a character that is widely used because it is highly effective and easy to pull off. Some characters can have multiple BnB combos.

Example: "That's a decent Kazuya BnB you have there."

Cancel
In some fighting games, Cancels involve suddenly breaking off the current attack animation by inputting a command that "cancels" the previous one. This is usually inputting the command for a special move whilst the character is still performing a normal attack.

Example: "Hey, did you know you can cancel Deadpool's Happy-Happy Trigger from his taunt?"

Combo
Combos are the basic elements of almost all fighting games. A combo involves performing attacks in rapid succession, giving the opponent little-to-no chance of retalliation before the sequence is over. How combos are performed differs from game to game.

Example: "Spencer has some decent combos, but they take some effort to pull off."

Counter
Counters are successful attacks that are landed when the opponent is attacking as well. In some games, performing a counter carries bonuses, such as extra damage. The Dead Or Alive series revolves around counters, granting massive damage if excecuted properly.

Example: "Ooh, nice Counter there!"

Cross-Up
Cross-Ups are techniques that make it diffuclt for the opponent to tell which direction they should block. A standard Cross-Up woukd involved performing a jumping attack whilst jumping over an opponent, although certain characters may have special techniques that can create Cross-Ups without the need for jumping.

Example: "Oni has a good Cross-Up game with his Demon Slash."

Footsies
Footsies refers to a situation where the players are out of combo range, and are trying to either land a hit to start a combo or bait the opponent into range.

Example: "This is an intense footsies game!"

Juggles
Juggles refers to a kind of combo that involves knocking an opponent into the air, and then keeping them airborne with a combo. Juggles mean that a player can build up damage rapidly without fear of retalliation, although, as with many combos, timing is nesseccary. Tekken is built primarily around juggles, and this carries over into Street Fighter X Tekken.

Example: "Steve Fox is just built around juggles, it's crazy, man."

Mix-Up
A Mix-Up is a technique that involves making attacks difficult to predict. This usually involves a mix of standing and crouching attacks in random order, as these attacks require different actions from the opponent to be blocked. A good Mix-Up game would be one that requires split-second timing to block.

Example: "Lei Wulong has so many Mix-Ups! Argh, how do I block them all?!"

OTG
OTG is an abbreviation of Off-The-Ground. In Marvel vs. Capcom, the term refers to attacks that can hit an opponent lying on the ground, bouncing them up and leaving them vulnerable for another attack. These are useful for extending combos.

Example: "OTG! BIONIC! AAAAAAAARM!"

Overhead
An Overhead is in an attack that can only be blocked standing, and not while crouching. Overheads are a good countermeasure against players who are playing defensively. As many jumping attacks count as Overheads, this term usually refers to ground attacks in this vein.

Example: "Ryu's Collarbone Breaker is a good Overhead."

Poke
Pokes are quick attacks performed at the maximum range the attack will allow. This is often used to create distance between the players, or to get some damage in from a safe distance.

Example: "Nice use of pokes by Justin there."

Punish
Punishing involves immediately attacking an opponent after blocking their attack, often when the opponent has whiffed an attack or is recovering from an attack. This strategy is quite viable after blocking a move that is not considered safe.

Example: "King's Reverse Arm Slam is useful for punishing."

Recovery
Recovery is a term that refers to the time taken for a character to return to a standing state from performing an action, usually after blocking an attack, being hit or while getting up from the ground. The shorter the recovery time, the better.

Example: "Paul's Megaton Knuckle has terrible recovery."

Reversal
Reversals are special moves performed during a recovery state. In some games, Reversals grant a small window of invincibility, making them ideal for turning the tide if a player was knocked down and an opponent is attemtping to attack.

Example: "Ken's Dragon Punch makes for a vicious reversal."

Safe
An attack that is "safe" is one that does not leave the player open if it is blocked, giving the player time to recover and block any incoming attacks. Attacks that are "not safe" are those that carry the risk of putting the player in a situation where they can be punished if the attack is blocked.

Example: "Iron Man's Level 3 Hyper is not safe, as it puts him too close to the opponent."

Sweep
Sweeps are attacks that trip the opponent up. Sweeps are often a quick, easy way of knocking an opponent over, although they may not have much use on their own.

Example: "Every character in Mortal Kombat has a sweep. It's like a law or something."

Rushdown and Zoning
Rushdown is a strategy that involves being extremely agressive, getting as close to the opponent as possible and using a variety of mix-ups and other techniques to pressurise an opponent. Characters have have lots of fast moves are good for rushdown. On the opposite end is Zoning, which involves keeping a certain distancer away from the opponent and punishing their attempts to come close. Characters that use projectiles are ideal for Zoning.

Example: "Deadpool is good for Rushdown, but he also has options for Zoning as well."

Whiff
Whiffing describes instances when an attack completely misses the opponent. In most cases, whiffing is undesirable, as it spoils combo opportunities and leaves the player open, giving time for the opponent to recover. However, whiffing does have a use in some instances - it can be used to bait an opponent into leaving themselves open.

Example: "Damn it, Tom, Stop whiffing that Light Punch!"

Keep in mind that not all fighting games are the same - while the basic terminology here may still apply, each game has it's own little book of terms that might not apply to other games.

I may update this list with more terms as time goes on, and perhaps throw in some exclusive to Street Fighter X Tekken for the lolz. Until then, enjoy!

CHRISTMAS =D + God of War: Chains of Olympus Review

So I got a pretty good Christmas haul this year. Of course, there was all the usual stuff, like chocolate and shampoo and a new dressing gown, but you don't notice those much because yoy get them all the time. At least, I do. The one present I shall mention is one I was waiting since my birthday to acquire - a 3DS.

It's Metallic Red, and from the moment I picked it up I haven't been able to put it down. From surfing the internet late at night to messing around with the AR Cards, from downloading Pokedex 3D to killing Ghoma in under half a minute on Zelda, it's provided me with enough entertainemtn to shut me up for hours. So much so that I went into town after Boxing Day and blew all my money on Mario Kart 7 and Nintendogs, both of which I am still enjoying immensely. I dread facing 150cc Grand Prix, though, especially since this isn't Double Dash and I haven't got my brother to be the only competent driver between us.

I have played some Mario Kart online, and am looking for people to challenge on Super Street Fighter IV. If you want to find me and beat the everloving snot out of me with Blue Shells or Hadoukens, add my friend code to your own 3DS. Here it is:

3093-7547-3292

After New Years, I plan to continue with my Harvest Moon LP, so have no fears - it's not dead yet. The main problem is that there's a lot of days on the calendar where nothing of worth hapens, so I'll have to slog through those to give you any updates. Which gives me an idea for the horror plot I want to work in... *evil grin*

Until then, here's a review of another game I got recently - God of War: Chains of Olympus for the PSP.

"Hey, it doesn't hurt my eyes after a- AAAGH MY EYES!"

I assume most of you already know about the God of War franchise, but for those who don't, I'll sum it up in brief - a grumpy, hate-ridden Spartan with family issues kills Greek myths with chain-swords. Chains of Olympus serves as a prequel to the first God of War game, taking place during the ten years Kratos (our human blender of a protagonist) spent in the service of the Gods of Olympus - the man hasn't yet grown his murderous hatred of Zeus in time for GoW3.

As I mentioned in my Kingdom Hearts rant, I like a game that doesn't hold my hand for too long before letting me get into the meaty adventure bits, which is why I love fighting games so much. Chains of Olympus throws you right into the middle of a Persian attack on the costal city of Attica, the enemy bringing along a Basilisk with them due to the fact Godzilla hadn't been born just yet. After you slay the beast and save Attica, Helios, the God of the Sun, suddenly gets yanked off his chariot, leaving his frankly idiotic horses to crash the sun right into the earth. It soon conspires that someone's let the titan Atlas out of the underworld, and it's up to Kratos to kick him back into line and save Helios.

As an action-adventure hack-and-slash game, Chains of Olympus follows the conventions set by the previous games - you have two attack buttons, light and heavy, and pressing them in various combinations deals chain-blade death to everything standing in front of you. You also get access to a grab attack which instantly kills weaker enemies, a launcher/air combo system that puts one in mind of Marvel vs. Capcom, and a dodge ability that you will use quite a lot, considering that you'll be dealing with cyclopes and other mythical monsters who want to eat you. Combat is nice and visceral, with blood flying with every strike, and you'll soon fall into a rythm of attacking and dodging that works quite well.

But just because you'll be doing a lot of killing, killing isn't all that this game is about. Occasionaly, you'll run into puzzles that actually require a lot of thought and exploration to get right. Although they don't transcend the use of the action button to push or pull blocks or turn cranks, they make a nice change from the hacking and slashing that makes up most of the game's action. One early puzzle is deceptively clever - you place a block onto a pressure switch to keep the gate open, only to find another switch on the other side that requires you to place a dead corpse (that the local Basilisk handily dropped earlier) on it to open another gate. It actually took me a while to figure this out, and it shows that the game isn't totally patronizing it's audience.

Killing enemies and opening certain chests rewards you with red orbs, and special bonuses of these are awarded for racking up big combos. You use these orbs to upgrade Kratos' weapons, unlocking new moves that increase the variety of bladed death you bring upon your foes. You'll also earn new items at certain points in the game that also grant new attacks - the Temple of Helios level grants you a shield that can be used to parry enemy attacks, and can be upgraded to allow Kratos to reflect projectiles. Be warned, though - you're going to need a lot of red orbs, as upgrading every weapon you have will be a costly excercise, but well worth it.

Beating the single-player story game unlocks the Challenge Mode, which works pretty much like every Challenge Mode ever - you are set a task of some sort that you must complete with a minimum of frustration and annoyance. While not the most engaging part of the game, Challenge Mode is a nice distraction, and gives you enough Kratos goodness until you want to replay the story mode on a harder difficulty. In which case, good luck to you - this game is challenging, even on Normal.

The Good Bits
What's not to like about this game, in all honesty? The combat flows well, and there is some actual strategy to it - you actuall have to think about when to dodge a Minotaur sword or parry a Gorgon tail. The puzzles are really well designed, too, even if they don't get past block pushing and crank turning, and it's nice to see Quick-Time Events being used properly - jamming a sword into a cyclops' eye is a hell of a lot more satisfying when you feel like you've earned it. The graphics, for what the PSP can pull off, are also pretty nice too - blood flows, smoke billows and torches cast light over everything. Finally, Isle of Creation may be, in my opinion, the best bit of music to play in the middle of a fight scene. Just sayin'.

The Bad Bits
Not many here, but thought I'd mention them. The collectables that increase your health and magic bar are very well tucked away, so you have to explore a lot if you want to find them - the fixed camera doesn't help in that department. Often, it's not really obvious where you're meant to go, resulting in a lot of Guide Dang It moments, and the amount of red orbs you have to collect to uprgade everything is ridiculous. Also, how the hell was I to know I was meant to lose that boss fight with Charon? :argh:

Scores
Graphics: 4/5 (Keep in mind this is the PSP here.)
Gameplay: 5/5
Sound: 4/5
Replayability: 4/5

Final Verdict
It's everything you'd expect from a God of War title, and loads of mindless fun. It's a bit on the short side - at the time of writing, I'm already in the Underworld level - but if hacking things apart is all you want, then I couldn't reccomend anything else. Also, did I mention the obligatory sex minigame is back?

Happy New Year to all of you! :)

A Pokémon Reboot Ramble (Update: Minor Ideas!)

Now, before we begin, I shall admit to all that I still enjoy playing the Pokémon games. There's something about catching a variety of coloured animals and making them beat each other up to evolve into bigger animals that is both oddly cathartic and maddeningly addictive. But now there's at least five generations of mainstream games, adding up to a total of over 649 or so of the little bastards now, and like an ancient family cake recipie the main formula of the game has barely changed, aside from a few ingredients that don't really do much of anything.

And the occasional physical embodiment of all living matter, but you don't really taste that.

With that said, I feel now is the perfect time to introduce a few ideas I have been tossing around for a hypothetical reboot or (Arceus forbid) a sixth generation of games. So without further ado, let's release these little mental gremlins from their balls and get rolling.

Drop the National Pokédex
The whole point of the Pokémon games is to fill up your Pokédex - which you recieve at the start of every quest - with every kind of animal available in the game's region. You do this by catching the little buggers in the wild, evolving them by beating the tar out of other people's animals and trading them with friends. Unlike the average person, I was never able to do this, either because I got bored of wandering through the tall grass to find that goddamned Abra or I was to busy kicking the gym leader's backsides. But if you are a better person than I am (and I'm sure someone reading this is), then you manage to accomplish this amazing feat alongside thrashing the bad guys and becoming the champion of the league, which is like being a movie star except not.

Whereupon your reward... is to catch more of the things.

Let's put this into context, shall we? Over five successive generations of main games, the number of Pokémon has swollen from a relatively small mob at the time of Red and Blue to something equal to a goddamned Roman legion by the time of Black and White. There's over 649 of the things. Six Hundred and Forty Nine. Not coutning the alternate forms of Deoxys or Rotom, because they're hard enough to keep track of in the first place.

And you thought the line for the school lunch queue was bad.

Now, don't get me wrong. I loved every generation's Pokémon equally, because I'm not some rabid nerd who likes to think that Bulbasaur was way better than Snivy, not by a long shot. I even hold a grudging respect for the oddballs like Jynx and Wobbuffet, because they add a bit of spice (or racism accusations) to the legions of animals. But to ask me to catch every species of the damn things from every other region after I just worked my tailbone off filling up my first Pokédex, kicking some extremist moron's head in and filling my wallet with enough money to purchase the Unova region several times over on the way, is asking way too goddamn much. I simply cannot put that much time and effort into repeating something I have been doing along the course of the But Thou Must plot for the sake of fulfilling the proffessor character's obssessive-compulsiveness. It's like being asked to sweep the leaves off your driveway in the hopes of getting a nice crisp fiver at the end of the day, only to be told that now you're expected to sweep the leaves off the driveways along the entire damn street. It's too much of the same thing, arbitrarily thrown in your face after you think it's all over and done with.

Also, I see no value in catching the monsters you worked your socks off to earn in the previous generations. Catching a Pidgey in every game gets boring after a while.

Nobody likes you, Pidgey.

So let's just do the sensible thing, Nintendo. Save the players the trouble and just drop the National Dex altogether. I know that you like to give the occasional nod to all your previous games, but overwhelming us with the task of catching every single one (or R4 cheating them in my case, mwah hah hah) is too overwhelming. Let us focus on the new guys just for once, and let the Golden Oldies relax for a bit.

Make the Main Characters Less Wimpy
This is a point that I feel is the root cause of quite a lot of things in the Pokémon series, and ties neatly into my next mad gremlin of an idea. It could also be rendered somewhat moot, considering your voiceless, pre-pubescant, animé-haired avatar eventually has to square up to creatures that could easily be considred living gods.

Trust me, you need serious cahoonies to stand up to these guys.

But that's not what I'm on about. What I'm trying to say is that your avatar, wherever it be a dude or a chick, is largely constrained by the plot that is rather arbitrarily thrust upon them. I feel that too much of them is expected - they have to catch over six hundred different types of potentially world-destroying monsters, they have to beat up skilled trainers to become the game's equivalent of celebrities, and they are also required to stop some cookie-cutter cartoon terrorists from screwing up the environment or the fabric of space and time or whatever they're trying to smash beyond repair this time. And they all go along with it because that's how the story goes.

Now, I know that the characters can't just up and say "Screw this, I'm outta here", because they can't. They're just blank, voiceless slates for the player to project themsevles onto, and it's kinda hard for the silent hero to refuse the call of duty. Besides, the fun you can have with that can liven up the dull moments when you're stuck in one city because that gym leader is too tough for you. My playthrough of Pearl saw me turn my character into a Duke Nukem wannabe who spouted nonsense about chewing gum and kings at the start of every trainer fight, whilst Heart Gold saw me imagine an irritable bastard who laments the fact that everyone only thinks of good ideas at the last minute, which often seems to be the case in these games.

"Why, oh, why am I the only sane person in this region?"

But all of this is compunded by the fact that, as is the case with every JRPG I could name, all the player really does is ferry Duke Katchem from one mind-numbingly boring conversation/story event to the next, tied to the rails of a plot that veers back and forth between Rocky and Ocean's Eleven in tone. One moment you're training your critters to kick your rival's butt into next week, the next you're foiling Team Plasma's (admittedly original and intruiging) plot to screw up your concept of Pokémon/Trainer relationships beyond recognition. It would be nice to have the option to simply ignore one part of the plot and focus on another - gleefuly ignoring the rampant terrorism to gather an army of demigods worthy of Noah's Ark.

Also, when you lose a trainer battle and have all of your Pokémon faint, for some reason your character "whites out" and wakes up in the nearest Pokémon Centre minus a few hundred dollars. What's going on there? Is our hero secretly a pacifist who cannot stand the sight of wounded animals? Did all the excitement and stress of the fight cause the blood to go to their heads? Or did they suffer a spontaneous heatstroke, causing them to pass out in the middle of the road? And why would the dude you've just been fighting drag you all the way to the Pokémon Centre, only to loot your unconcious form and rush back to their predetermined spot on the road in anticipation of the inevitable rematch? At the very least, you should just be able to walk away on your own to revive your team, unable to fight other trainers or wild Pokémon until your team is at full strength again.

And on the subject of story...

Give Us Some Choice
This is a thing that me and the guys on Skype have been talking about, and we all agree that it would be a nice thing to see implemented. The Pokémon series has an underlying theme of growing up and independance which, I feel, seems to get lost in the madcap rush to say you captured the God of Time. And the obligatory "Catch 'Em All/Become The Champ/Save The World" story is getting a bit hackneyed, to be brutally honest. So in order to try and coax some life into this series, I'd like to propose a moral choice/story path hybrid system. You know, the thing that Shadow the Hedgehog claimed to have, but didn't because it was an awful game.

Now, I'm not saying we need to go the Mass Effect route and conjure up a thousand different story paths for the mute protagonists, and not just because it probably wouldn't be technologically feasable. Given the cutesy nature of the game, it's not really a good idea for the player to swing between righteous paragon and puppy-kicking bastard at the push of a button, because it just wouldn't mesh with the tone of the series in general. Also, there's also no real need for an optional story path that sees you go all vigilante, build an army of Pokémon to storm the bad guy's base and wreck his shit up.

Not gonna lie, though, that would be awesome.

No, what I'd like to see is something a bit more basic than that. Instead of being forced into what is basically the world's biggest fetch-quest, you get given the Starter Pokémon and the Pokédex, told to make your own way in the world and sent out to do your thing. And this is where it gets interesting - you could collect the whole set of super-powerful beings, but you could also choose not to. You could also choose not to foil the terrorist group's evil plot, or not to climb a mountain of humiliated foes to become the regional champion. You could do any one on its own, or a combination of them, or all three - the player makes the desicion of how to approach this big sprawling world full of monsters and people. Or - and this is a big or, because I'm not sure where this would fit in with what I have now - you could reach a point where you're given the option to simply say "sod it", settle down and start a family.

This, I feel, would be the biggest and most important change to the games. Not only would it dispose of a storyline that's gone a bit mouldy, like week-old bread, but it also gives the player a bit more freedom. In a sense, it changes the genre of the game from a standard Adventure/RPG hybrid into something akin to a sandbox crossed with the RPG elements - you're free to pursue whichever aspect of the plot suits you best as you feel like it. I know some of you are going to draw comparisons to GTA, because we all know GTA did the sandbox-game thing first (/sarcasm), and while it might be a bit of a stretch to imagine that Nintendo would approve of this idea, with their long history of recycling the basic plot of their beloved franchises, it would be nice to think that something like this could be done. It would breathe a bit of life into the series as a whole, because frankly, I'm getting sick of being told I have to save the world, I have to be the very best and I have to catch 'em all. What if I don't want to?

I have a bucketload of minor ideas that could also go into this post, but I feel I've typed enough already. What do you guys think? Comments? Critique? Batshit insane ramblings on how you absolutely hated Lt. Surge? (I know I did, smug git.) Fire away!

Update: Minor Ideas
So, here's some minor ideas that I think could be worked into my hypothetical Pokémon reboot, thrown in at the last minute.

• Take the "Version Exclusive" gimmick and expand it - for example, one game takes place in the north of the new continent, and the other takes place in the south, the player only able to access the other game's world after beating the Elite Four or something. Or, for laughs, version exclusive starters.
• The ability to groom your Pokémon before a contest - cleaner Pokémon are more likely to win bigger points.
• Using your Pokémon in the overworld could easily be expanded a bit more. For example, you could have a fetch-quest that involved using your Pokémon to track a scent, perhaps a kidnapped child. ("What's that, Zigzagoon? Timmy's stuck in a cave?")
• Have a trainer fight against a Mewtwo. Because that movie was awesome, no matter what Nostalgia Critic says.
• Bring back Ruby and Sapphire's Secret Bases, damnit!