Many of the Tales of the One have a leaning towards explaining why things are the way they are. Much like the Just So Stories of Kipling, the Tales often explain strange peculiarities in nature, such as the donkey's voice, the snake's lack of legs and more besides. This story, again taken from the Tales of the One by Lady Lumley, is a quite popular one on Dragonus, for it has a little basis in historical accuracy as well as being a fine tale of trickery.
Thursday, 24 September 2015
Saturday, 11 July 2015
Monster Mash Round 3: The Fatal Four-Way
Ladies, Gentlemen and others...
The time has come, as a wise sea mammal once said. Okay, so that guy ended up eating a whole bunch of baby oysters because he was a prick, but you get the gist of it! The seats of the ThunderDome is packed to the brim with shrieking spectators, the popcorn and hot dogs are being traded around and everything is in place. Our energy shields are on full voltage to ensure that you're completely protected from the carnage about to take place here, and our contestants are champing at the bit to get ready for the big fracas of a finale that is...
It's me, Connor Hardy, up in the commentator's booth, and I'm as ready as you are...
-------
The time has come, as a wise sea mammal once said. Okay, so that guy ended up eating a whole bunch of baby oysters because he was a prick, but you get the gist of it! The seats of the ThunderDome is packed to the brim with shrieking spectators, the popcorn and hot dogs are being traded around and everything is in place. Our energy shields are on full voltage to ensure that you're completely protected from the carnage about to take place here, and our contestants are champing at the bit to get ready for the big fracas of a finale that is...
It's me, Connor Hardy, up in the commentator's booth, and I'm as ready as you are...
-------
Tuesday, 30 June 2015
Jurassic World: Some Spoiler-Free Thoughts
"You are acting like we are engaged in some kind of mad science, but we
are doing what we have done from the beginning. Nothing in Jurassic
World is natural! We have always filled gaps in the genomes with the DNA
of other animals, and if their genetic code was pure, many of them would
look quite different! But you didn't ask for reality; you asked for more
teeth!"
This line, from B.D. Wong's returning character Henry Wu, sums up a lot about Jurassic World. It's a lot of things, that line - it's justification for not keeping up to date with the latest paleontological discoveries (feathered T. rex, what the fuck), and a two-pronged jab with a toasting fork against both the science camp for decrying their choice to do so and the public for demanding bigger and better. It's a little ham-handed, but since the entire film seems to be a massive piss-take of today's Apple and CGI culture, it sort of fits, tonally speaking. Somehow, though, I don't think a film with dinosaurs in it ought to be the place to say so - maybe save that for the Social Justice blogs
It took literally ten years of development hell and botched script drafts, but it's finally here, folks. Jurassic World is set twenty-two years after the events of the first Jurassic Park film, thankfully ignoring the confused mess that was The Lost World and the B-Movie shlock that was Jurassic Park III. We have a theme park full of dinosaurs, and it works, and people love it - but not according to Bryce Dallas-Howard's character, who worships at the altar of Lord Focus Groups. Thinking people don't care for regular dinosaurs anymore, she goes ahead and commisions InGen's scientists to make a literal Frankenstein's dino, a genetic hybrid designed to wow the crowds with how disgustingly overpowered and fierce it is. I don't think it's a spoiler when I say it all goes to shit, thanks to a bunch of behind-the-scenes idiocy, and it ends up putting Bryce's two newphews in danger as the Indominus rex (I still prefer Diabolus) starts being a huge piece of shit and fucking up everything.
This line, from B.D. Wong's returning character Henry Wu, sums up a lot about Jurassic World. It's a lot of things, that line - it's justification for not keeping up to date with the latest paleontological discoveries (feathered T. rex, what the fuck), and a two-pronged jab with a toasting fork against both the science camp for decrying their choice to do so and the public for demanding bigger and better. It's a little ham-handed, but since the entire film seems to be a massive piss-take of today's Apple and CGI culture, it sort of fits, tonally speaking. Somehow, though, I don't think a film with dinosaurs in it ought to be the place to say so - maybe save that for the Social Justice blogs
It took literally ten years of development hell and botched script drafts, but it's finally here, folks. Jurassic World is set twenty-two years after the events of the first Jurassic Park film, thankfully ignoring the confused mess that was The Lost World and the B-Movie shlock that was Jurassic Park III. We have a theme park full of dinosaurs, and it works, and people love it - but not according to Bryce Dallas-Howard's character, who worships at the altar of Lord Focus Groups. Thinking people don't care for regular dinosaurs anymore, she goes ahead and commisions InGen's scientists to make a literal Frankenstein's dino, a genetic hybrid designed to wow the crowds with how disgustingly overpowered and fierce it is. I don't think it's a spoiler when I say it all goes to shit, thanks to a bunch of behind-the-scenes idiocy, and it ends up putting Bryce's two newphews in danger as the Indominus rex (I still prefer Diabolus) starts being a huge piece of shit and fucking up everything.
Wednesday, 27 May 2015
Ultradome (Prologue)
~MASTERS FOUNDATION ARENA, MANHATTAN, USA~
"HI-YOOOOO! Hello, sports fans, and welcome to yet another edition of the Masters Fighting Federation, live from beautiful Manhattan City! I'm your commentator, Jimmy "Flashfire" Mays, and I'll be giving you live commentary, on the spot, of tonight's rounds of the Masters World Championship! So far, we've seen the Rescue Rovers run rings around Dai Long, and Union Jack get hammered into fritters by The Cyborg Confederate, but the excitement's not over yet, cause'-"
"Ah, jest shaddup up, already," muttered Lilly Lop as she ran the polishing cloth back and forth over one of her thigh-mounted jet implants. It was bad enough to have butterflies in the stomach about what was going to happen next, but the announcer's obnoxiously cheerful and clearly-scripted banter was not helping in the slightest. There were days when she wanted to leap up to the booth, punch through the glass and slap the man so hard his eyes swapped places in their sockets, just to shut him up for five seconds. It would certainly give the crowd something to cheer about that wasn't this complete Mad Max shit-show, at least.
Lifting off the cloth, she bent down a little to check her handiwork. Much to her relief, the shell of the implant was now sparkling. Carbon-fibre, titanium and kevlar alloys had a way of doing that if you kept it up for long enough, and what's more, it had to if their owner was going to stay in the spotlight this year. The competition was getting as fierce as it was outlandish - India's Agent Peacock was currently wowing the crowds with his gaudy outfits and current winning streak, and there was pressure from Lilly's sponsors to try and be as flashy in order to compete with him. She had socked the spokesperson for daring to suggest that, but she knew that he had a point and that she seriously needed to step up her game.
Even as she contemplated this, a green light came on in the wall by her head, startling her for a moment.
"Lilly Lop, it's your cure," droned the bored voice from the speaker, before clicking off. Ah, Norman. At least there was somebody here who resented this complete idiocy as much as she did. Not really her type, though - she'd seen the scrawny, pimple-faced temp at his desk punching holes in timesheets and had immediately shut down. Even the sight of him induced a kind of dull, listless apathy, to the degree where it was almost like an infection and you had to wear a tissue over your mouth to avoid catching it.
Straightening up, Lilly permitted herself one last glance in the mirror. She still wasn't sure how to take it in - on the one hand, she was five-foot-four and proportioned like an athlete should be, with powerful legs and prominent abs being her talking points. On the other, the brown fur, paws, long ears and cotton tail above her rump brought back latent memories of hopping across grassy banks, nibbling flowers and perking the ears up for danger. And on the other hand belonging to this freakish mutant metaphor, the logo of the Masters Corporation gleamed gold against the scarlet metal of her arm, thigh and chest implants, the latter of which hummed contently as the plasma generator did it's work.
It was... a picture, to say the least.
And that was all the thought Lilly Lop gave to it, before turning and heading for the doors that lead to the arena.
-------
"Ah, jest shaddup up, already," muttered Lilly Lop as she ran the polishing cloth back and forth over one of her thigh-mounted jet implants. It was bad enough to have butterflies in the stomach about what was going to happen next, but the announcer's obnoxiously cheerful and clearly-scripted banter was not helping in the slightest. There were days when she wanted to leap up to the booth, punch through the glass and slap the man so hard his eyes swapped places in their sockets, just to shut him up for five seconds. It would certainly give the crowd something to cheer about that wasn't this complete Mad Max shit-show, at least.
Lifting off the cloth, she bent down a little to check her handiwork. Much to her relief, the shell of the implant was now sparkling. Carbon-fibre, titanium and kevlar alloys had a way of doing that if you kept it up for long enough, and what's more, it had to if their owner was going to stay in the spotlight this year. The competition was getting as fierce as it was outlandish - India's Agent Peacock was currently wowing the crowds with his gaudy outfits and current winning streak, and there was pressure from Lilly's sponsors to try and be as flashy in order to compete with him. She had socked the spokesperson for daring to suggest that, but she knew that he had a point and that she seriously needed to step up her game.
Even as she contemplated this, a green light came on in the wall by her head, startling her for a moment.
"Lilly Lop, it's your cure," droned the bored voice from the speaker, before clicking off. Ah, Norman. At least there was somebody here who resented this complete idiocy as much as she did. Not really her type, though - she'd seen the scrawny, pimple-faced temp at his desk punching holes in timesheets and had immediately shut down. Even the sight of him induced a kind of dull, listless apathy, to the degree where it was almost like an infection and you had to wear a tissue over your mouth to avoid catching it.
Straightening up, Lilly permitted herself one last glance in the mirror. She still wasn't sure how to take it in - on the one hand, she was five-foot-four and proportioned like an athlete should be, with powerful legs and prominent abs being her talking points. On the other, the brown fur, paws, long ears and cotton tail above her rump brought back latent memories of hopping across grassy banks, nibbling flowers and perking the ears up for danger. And on the other hand belonging to this freakish mutant metaphor, the logo of the Masters Corporation gleamed gold against the scarlet metal of her arm, thigh and chest implants, the latter of which hummed contently as the plasma generator did it's work.
It was... a picture, to say the least.
And that was all the thought Lilly Lop gave to it, before turning and heading for the doors that lead to the arena.
-------
Monday, 11 May 2015
Birds of a Feather: Soprano
WARNING:
The following contains spoilers for Steel Komodo's major plot. Only
click this if you're really sure you want to know about the cartoonishly
evil jerks you're going to fight this year. Otherwise, steer clear!
We clear? Now gimme five.
We clear? Now gimme five.
Saturday, 9 May 2015
Fighting Game Characters Suck #2 - Andy and Mai
Last time on Fighting Game Characters Suck (which was like five months ago, Jesus fucking Christ), we discussed how Ryu, the poster boy of fighting games, is actually a mental deficient with the social skills of a drainpipe and is hellbent on ruining his best friend's life and, eventually, the lives of everyone else. This week, we're going to get a bit more personal with our mud-slinging - rather than insulting one guy, we're going to insult two people and explain why their plans are total crap. Step in, Andy Bogard and Shiranui Mai!
Welcome, welcome, take a seat. Now, I hear that the both of you are engaged to be married at... some point in the future. Whenever your company can make the time to make it a canon thing. And really, I would like to say congratulations. I mean, you two are such a perfect fit for each other! You both practice the same martial art, you both have ridiculous body proportions and you have irresponsibly long ponytails! Andy is a calm, compassionate soul and Mai is a fun-lover looking to settle down! Truly you are the perfect future partnersnrrrrrrrrk
...okay, I'm sorry, I couldn't finish that with a straight face. I would say congratulations, but then my throat would turn itself inside out for telling a dirty lie. Instead, I would suggest you not go through with this idiotic plan and just break up already. And if you, the reader, want to know about this weird marriage counselor turn I've taken, hit the jump and be educated.
WARNING: One or two images here may be NSFW. Please ensure your boss isn't reading over your shoulder before hitting that jump button. And then TATSUMAKI!
 |
| Today's FGCS comes with picture captions! You're welcome! |
...okay, I'm sorry, I couldn't finish that with a straight face. I would say congratulations, but then my throat would turn itself inside out for telling a dirty lie. Instead, I would suggest you not go through with this idiotic plan and just break up already. And if you, the reader, want to know about this weird marriage counselor turn I've taken, hit the jump and be educated.
WARNING: One or two images here may be NSFW. Please ensure your boss isn't reading over your shoulder before hitting that jump button. And then TATSUMAKI!
Monday, 4 May 2015
Birds of a Feather: Nevermore
WARNING: The following contains spoilers for Steel Komodo's major plot. Only click this if you're really sure you want to know about the cartoonishly evil jerks you're going to fight this year. Otherwise, steer clear!
We clear? Now gimme five.
We clear? Now gimme five.
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