Useless Disturbing Nature Facts 3 - Don't Time Travel, Kids

In past issues of Useless Disturbing Nature Facts, I talked about plants that turn into rolling spheres, serial killer plants and why eagles should not be revered as much as they are. But now it's time to do what everyone does on New Year's Eve - gaze with hazy, cider-blurred eyes back on the previous years. If there's anything that fossils have taught us, it's that Mother Nature was hitting the wine spritzers pretty hard even before humanity came about, because nothing we have now matches up to the insanity that used to prowl the world. These creatures are probably the reason we shoudln't be cloning mammoths, because once the scientists get it into their heads to try and ressurect these guys, we might as well declare ourselves extinct immediately.

Ladies and gentlemen, without much in the way of further preamble, Useless Disturbing Nature Facts 3 - Don't Time Travel, Kids.

• Xiphactinus, or the Bulldog Fish, was a voracious fish from the Cretacious that liked to swallow it's prey whole. It's method of attack was to simply barrel out of depths exceeding 60km/h, or over 40 mph. This means that, in exceptionally clear water with visibility of 100 feet or so, it would still be visible for only two seconds before it ate you.
• Anomalocaris, from the Cambrian era, was the top predator of it's time. This was because it had one feature its primitive trilobite prey didn't - eyes. Wheras Trilobites could only detect the difference between light and dark, anomalocaris had extremely good vision, with 30'000 lenses in it's compound eyes - a modern dragonfly only has 28'000.
• Hatzegopteryx was a Cretaceous azhdarchid pterosaur, related to quetzalcoatlus. It was the size of a giraffe, had a 10-metre wingspan and lived in Romania. But the most horrifying thing about it was that it ate dinosaurs - specifically, magyarosaurus, a dwarf sauropod no bigger than a pony. If this thing was alive today, it would happily swallow humans whole like they were popcorn.
• It was long thought that Sinornithosaurus, a species of winged gliding dinosaur, was venomous. Grooves in it's jawbone were believed to indicate the presence of venom glands, similar to modern gila monsters and rear-fanged snakes, although this has been disputed. If this were true, it would have made sinornithosaurus the world's first-known venomous dinosaur. No, the Jurassic Park version of dilophosaurus doesn't count.
• Speaking of Jurassic Park, if you thought the mosasaurus in that was scary, Tylosaurus was infinitely worse. It grew up to 50 feet in length and would eat anything else in the ocean - including each other. And fossil discoveries have shown something worse - in order to protect their vulnerable young, tylosaurus would swim in gangs. If one was bad, then imagine how fucked you'd be if you met a whole crowd of them.
• Megalania or varanus priscus was a distant cousin of the Komodo dragon, and much worse. It could grow as big as 18 feet long, much larger than the average 8.5ft of Komodos, sprinted at about 6.7mph and was possibly venemous. The latter fact, if true, would have made it the biggest known venemous vertebrate animal to ever exist. Some people think megalania might be still alive today - let's hope they're wrong.
• Hyneria was a predatory fish from the Devonian period, growing as long as 8.2 feet in length and weighting two tonnes. It fed on early amphibians like hynerpeton, and was related to lungfish in that it was a lobe-finned fish, with pectoral fins similar in structure to limbs rather than the ray-shaped structures of most modern fish. It's believed that, like a killer whale, hyneria could beach itself and then 'walk' on land for a bit to snag prey on the shore, thanks to it's primitive lung.
• On the subject of fish, Stethacanthus is a primitve shark from the same time as hyneria, but was often preyed upon by the latter. It gets its name of the "Ironing-board shark" from the strange shape of its dorsal fin - tothis day, nobody knows why it would evolve such a feature. 
• And finally, where would we be in prehistory without Tyrannosaurus rex? You know the bit in Jurassic Park where Grant was all like "It can't see us if we don't move"? Yeah, that's bullshit. T. rex had eyes set in the side of it's head but faced partially forwards, giving it excellent binocular vision and depth perception as well as good general all-around vision. On top of this, scans of the brain cavity have determined that it might have been as smart as a dog, considering all the information it had to deal with in it's daily life. So in reality, the T. rex would have seen Grant and the stpid screamy girl, and then it would have eaten them. Sorry, JP, fans.

Want more UDNF? Just ask! Next time - the ants that have to keep moving, and other bizzare insects and arachnids!

Jurassic World: Some Spoiler-Free Thoughts

"You are acting like we are engaged in some kind of mad science, but we are doing what we have done from the beginning. Nothing in Jurassic World is natural! We have always filled gaps in the genomes with the DNA of other animals, and if their genetic code was pure, many of them would look quite different! But you didn't ask for reality; you asked for more teeth!"

This line, from B.D. Wong's returning character Henry Wu, sums up a lot about Jurassic World. It's a lot of things, that line - it's justification for not keeping up to date with the latest paleontological discoveries (feathered T. rex, what the fuck), and a two-pronged jab with a toasting fork against both the science camp for decrying their choice to do so and the public for demanding bigger and better. It's a little ham-handed, but since the entire film seems to be a massive piss-take of today's Apple and CGI culture, it sort of fits, tonally speaking. Somehow, though, I don't think a film with dinosaurs in it ought to be the place to say so - maybe save that for the Social Justice blogs

It took literally ten years of development hell and botched script drafts, but it's finally here, folks. Jurassic World is set twenty-two years after the events of the first Jurassic Park film, thankfully ignoring the confused mess that was The Lost World and the B-Movie shlock that was Jurassic Park III. We have a theme park full of dinosaurs, and it works, and people love it - but not according to Bryce Dallas-Howard's character, who worships at the altar of Lord Focus Groups. Thinking people don't care for regular dinosaurs anymore, she goes ahead and commisions InGen's scientists to make a literal Frankenstein's dino, a genetic hybrid designed to wow the crowds with how disgustingly overpowered and fierce it is. I don't think it's a spoiler when I say it all goes to shit, thanks to a bunch of behind-the-scenes idiocy, and it ends up putting Bryce's two newphews in danger as the Indominus rex (I still prefer Diabolus) starts being a huge piece of shit and fucking up everything.

Fighting Game Characters Suck #2 - Andy and Mai

Last time on Fighting Game Characters Suck (which was like five months ago, Jesus fucking Christ), we discussed how Ryu, the poster boy of fighting games, is actually a mental deficient with the social skills of a drainpipe and is hellbent on ruining his best friend's life and, eventually, the lives of everyone else. This week, we're going to get a bit more personal with our mud-slinging - rather than insulting one guy, we're going to insult two people and explain why their plans are total crap. Step in, Andy Bogard and Shiranui Mai!

Today's FGCS comes with picture captions! You're welcome!

Welcome, welcome, take a seat. Now, I hear that the both of you are engaged to be married at... some point in the future. Whenever your company can make the time to make it a canon thing. And really, I would like to say congratulations. I mean, you two are such a perfect fit for each other! You both practice the same martial art, you both have ridiculous body proportions and you have irresponsibly long ponytails! Andy is a calm, compassionate soul and Mai is a fun-lover looking to settle down! Truly you are the perfect future partnersnrrrrrrrrk

...okay, I'm sorry, I couldn't finish that with a straight face. I would say congratulations, but then my throat would turn itself inside out for telling a dirty lie. Instead, I would suggest you not go through with this idiotic plan and just break up already. And if you, the reader, want to know about this weird marriage counselor turn I've taken, hit the jump and be educated.

WARNING: One or two images here may be NSFW. Please ensure your boss isn't reading over your shoulder before hitting that jump button. And then TATSUMAKI!

Fighting Game Characters Suck #1 - Ryu

So since I got out of uni for the holidays, I managed to find a good balance between work and free time. Enough to allow me to cogitate on some issues that I want to talk about - namely, fighting game characters.

Now, this is not going to be me talking about shitty character design, because there's probably already shitloads of threads and blogs dedicated to that. Nor is expecting any amount of depth from most fighting game characters a fair thing, especially when most are raging stereotypes to begin with. This is me talking about how some fighting lads and lasses are massive idiots who need a slap in the face and maybe some therapy. Because seriously, they do.

And who better to open up this festival of idiocy than the poster boy of fighting games, Ryu from Street Fighter?

Ah, Ryu. Your tales of martial arts mastery inspire us. Your simple design and iconic fighting style have been copied by imitators and competitors the world over. And your gripping, emotional and spiritual quest to master your teachings and become the strongest warrior is what keeps people coming back to your side of the story, again and again. Truly, you are a noble and endearing character.

Except when you think about it, that's all a steaming crock of cow shit. If you want to know why, hit the jump.

Bear Accessories - A Killer Instinct Song

So Maximillian recently posted a silly video where he sings about Chief Thunder's bear costume parts in the new Killer Instinct, to the tune of Bare Necessities from Disney's Jungle Book, and you can find it here. Anyway, after watching it, I suddenly started making up extra lyrics for it, and now suddenly this is here. So get playing the video linked below and prepare to sing along.

Look for the Bear Accessories,
The simple Bear Accessories.
Forget about that ninja and his knife.

I mean the Bear Accessories!
The bear is dead, but he agrees
That brings the Bear Accessories to life!

Wherever you're playing,
Chief Thunder's your main.
So use those two axes
To bring the pain!

You can't do damage from afar,
So get in close and let us spar.
And when you're stomping on noobs like ants
Then take a glance at the fancy pants
And maybe buy a few!

The Bear Accessories of life will come to you!
They'll come to you!

Look for the Bear Accessories,
The simple Bear Accessories.
Forget about that werewolf's shitty life.

You need the Bear Accessories,
So bust those combos out with ease
To bring the Bear Accessories to life!

Now when you drop a Triplax
Cause you stood over there,
And your face Orchid's fist smacks,
Well, next time, beware!

Don't pop your ultra when you jump in!
When you pop your ultra, do it from the spin!
But you don't need to use the spin
For the Call of the Earth, you can just jump in!

Have I given you a clue?
The Bear Accessories of life will come to you!
They'll come to you!

So just try to relax, yeah?
Cool it, fall apart in Thunder's yard.
Because if you're like Glacius, playing keepaway...
Uh-uh. You're trying too hard.

And don't spend your time in the Dojo
Just messing around.
Trying for combos that can't be found.

When you find out you look swag with them on,
And play along climbing ranks with them on,
I'll tell you something true:
The Bear Accessories of life will come to you!

Look for the Bear Accessories,
The simple Bear Accessories.
Forget about that ninja and his knife.

I mean the Bear Accessories!
The bear is dead, but he agrees
That brings the Bear Accessories to life!

That brings the Bear Accessories to life!
 

DmC Devil May Cry vs. Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance

Okay, let me just get this out of the way before I begin - I never was a fan of Raiden from Konami's Metal Gear Solid series.

I was introduced to him via Playstation All-Stars Battle Royal, and his cold, self-assured blandess immediately made me dislike him almost instantly. On top of that, Yahtzee Chroshaw's mostly negative review of-

...Oh, wait, I've done this before, haven't I?

So here's Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, a game that many people have been comparing to DmC Devil May Cry ever since the conception of both, because fanboys will argue over anything given the chance. It doesn't help that both are action-based hack-and-slashers starring borderline-pubescant, unlikable protagonists with a pencheant for over-the-top violence and cringe-worthy dialogue, nor that both games were outsourced to a third party because the original producers couldn't trust themselves to do anything with it. But it does help that the both of them have significantly different feels, when one gets right down to it, and it also helps that when two similar games come out, for some strange reason people are only prepared to buy one or the other, rather than have both (thank you, CeX vouchers!). So because I don't know any better, let's compare the two games and find out which of these is "best"!

Steel Komodo presents:

DmC Devil May Cry vs. Metal Gear Rising



Plot!
DmC loses several million points right out of the gate by being written by Temmem Antoniades, who, as we have established, is a self-righteous prick with all the empathy a glass of water conjures. From then on, it's pretty much downhill - the dialogue often descends into foul-mouthed teenage back-and-forthing which, while funny in a ridiculous kind of way, makes Joss Whedon's constant parade of one-liners look like Shakespeare. The social commentary is about a subtle as a sledgehammer to the face, as the organization which Dante must take down to ensure humanity's freedom might as well have been called Nox Fews, and on top of that not a single character is relatable in any measure, and you know something is wrong when you hate your player character more than you hate the giant, vomit-spewing maggot demon you're supposed to be fighting.

MGR's plot, by comparison, is a lot stronger. By Kojima standards, it's pretty simple - Raiden good, war bad, kill cyborgs - but has enough intruige and curveballs to keep the player interested. There's a host of intruiging and likeable characters, each with quirks beyond "wears a silly hat" and "swears all the time", that I found myself getting oddly attached to - we transition from the somewhat psychopathic yet informative Doktor easing us into tutorials to the reassuring tones of Boris to give us mission directions, with geeky nerd girl Courtney to save game progress and comedic foil Kevin to tell us why we should give a shit. Drama and laughs come from all sides, and one truly feels that there is an appreciable threat that we need to hunt down and eliminate, not some nebulous corporate miasma that we only tangientally grasp. Definitely better than most of Kojima's efforts, which apparently were desperate attempts to stop making Metal Gear games, I've read.

DmC: 0
MGR: 1

Protagonists!
Dante and Raiden - two malnourished teens with giant swords, bland personalities and odd dress sense. The two make an interesting contrast of each other - on the one hand, a cybernetic ninja with traditional honour values who fights PMC's because it's his job, and on the other, a half-demon slacker who fights demons because he's got nothing better to do that day. One dresses in what can only be called a metallic fetish outfit complete with high-heels and ass-hugging bodysuit, whilst the other wears the first wifebeater, coat and jeans he could find that morning. It's like a metaphor for class separation, if you'll forgive the amount of pretentiousness in that sentence.

In all seriousness, though, I think I prefer Dante over Raiden here. Okay, so he spouts off F-Bombs and punches out bodyguards like a sulky teenager who isn't getting his own way, but there was a very clear sense that he's facing something huge that he can only barely comprehend. The demonic foe is huge, omnipresent and pretty much hates him on sight, and there is a real uncertainty at times if Dante can even take on something so big it literally controls most of humanity behind the scenes, like a mouse trying to fight a humpback whale. Raiden, however, is backed by a technologically-advanced PMC with loads of money in their pockets and all the latest gadgets, and can cut entire buildings apart with a single swipe of his sword. It's hard to root for someone who doesn't feel like he can be threatened by anything, and that's why Dante is (relatively) more relatable than Raiden despite his constant abuse of the word fuck.

DmC: 1
MGR: 1

Combat!
Let's talk about the big gimmick of MGR first - Blade Mode. Once you've stuck an enemy, you can hold down Left Trigger and slow down time, allowing you to rattle the Right Analog Stick about and dice the foe into pieces. A blue meter beneath Raiden's health bar slowly decreases as you slice, and once it runs down you exit Blade Mode and can't use the slow-mo feature the next time you activate it. You get more points for the more pieces you cut an enemy into, and if you cut at a specific location you can then press B to follow up with the Zandatsu, which allows you to recover health and energy and nets you even more points. It feels awesome when you get it right, and the game makes a big thing of how you can cut practically anything with it, which must have been a programming nightmare - kudos to the man who managed to get that working!

However, Blade Mode only works when the game isn't asking you to make precise, fine movements. This is the sort of game where you can be surrounded by soldiers and helicopters vomiting missiles and bullets from every direction, and you can't stop to be accurate or else a Gekko might sneak up and stick his foot up Raiden's arse. But then the game asks you to precisely slice a hand off certain soldiers to obtain data, and even the Zandatsu requires that you precisely target a small orange box on the victim's stomach, and Blade Mode itself is inexact and wild by nature. It's entirely possible to waste your entire energy bar trying to strike a specific point on the target which won't hold still long enough for you to do so, and this is extremely aggrivating as well as flow-breaking.

It doesn't help that combat itself is rather awkward and sticky, and lacks the flow one expects from a hack-and-slasher. Every fight consists of the following, ad nauseum: beat an enemy long enough to render him vulnerable, dice him up with Blade Mode, perform Zandatsu, rinse and repeat. I don't know why the ability to perform actual air combos has to be bought as an upgrade, but the designer needs a slap in the face for that, because I only found this out when my attempts at dicing an opponent in midair failed because what I thought was the launcher can't be comboed from. There's nothing akin to DmC's chains or dash strikes to keep up the pace of battle, and so there's always a period where you'll be running around trying to find that one last enemy that keeps shooting you from really far away. And when you have a game mechanic (i.e., the parry system) that can be outwitted by rubbing the controller on your knee, then it might be worth not bothering at all.

DmC has it's combat down right - you have a variety of weapons that can be chained together for mind-buggeringly long combos, you have a mechanic that lets you jump from one enemy to the next to keep the flow going, and it's generally more fast-paced and frantic. It's basically being about the beauty of combat itself, rather than trying to build up to a spectacular end result that gets boring and stale after you've turned an enemy into prawn salad for the umpteenth time. On top of that, whilst Raiden is pretty much stuck with his sword and can only use rocket-launchers for the occasional hard-to-hit enemy, Dante wields things like flaming gloves and a scythe that can be swapped between during combat to adapt for every challenge, making you feel untouchable.

Also, where the fuck is dodge?! This might sound petty, but I won't apologize for having gotten used to being able to leap out of the way of a sneaky chainsaw attack coming from the corner of my eye. In MGR, if an enemy attacks you from behind whilst you're busy with his mate, you might as well have your cyber-trousers around your ankles.

DmC: 2
MGR: 1

Upgrades!
Okay, MGR definitely takes the prize for this one, because the benefits that might be had for having multiple weapons in DmC are compounded by the upgrade system being like an overly-complex DnD sheet. You acquire upgrade points based on how well you do in combat, but they come so sparsely that you have to think very hard about which skills you want to buy, especially early in the game when you have no idea if Trillion Stab is better than Bullet Rain or so on. On top of that, you have to level up your skills as well as buy new ones, but all your attacks are equally effective on the hordes anyway, so any upgrades to attack damage or speed don't seem rather pointless when you can just stunlock the enemy to death and get equally productive results.

MGR's upgrade system is much more refined: you have a currency, which you earn from killing all enemies, and you buy skills and upgrades with that currency like a shop of murder. And more to the point, each skill feels absolutely nessecary - Raiden needs all the edge he can get against things like unmaned helicopters, robot wolves and giant metal dinosaurs. All the skills in DmC are just more stylish ways of inflicting damage, and whilst there's nothing particulary wrong with that you could potentially proceed through the game without even buying all of them, which strikes me as missing the point somewhat. In a hack-and-slasher, the player needs to evolve in order to take out an increasingly dangerous threat, and there's nothing threatening about a giant demon that can be defeated by abusing the basic combos without any hinderance.

DmC: 2
MGR: 2

Exploration!
This one I agonized over a bit, because both titles have considerable flaws in this aspect. On the one hand, MGR's story focus means that exploration is severely limited, each level being mostly linear with little to no deviations in the path between battle arenas as a consequence of trying to show off epic setpieces. On the other hand, DmC's exploration is hampered by the game's obnoxious habit of blocking off areas in a level that require you to return after obtaining items from later levels, forcing people to replay the first few handfuls of missions in order to get 100% completion on them. This meant a lot of umming and hawing on this subject.

But in the long run, DmC gets the prize because at least there's actual exploration in it. Most importantly, there's an actual reason to do it - finding the keys and challenge doors to find the neccesary upgrade points one needs to make Dante stronger. On top of that, finding all the Lost Souls nets you a bonus amount of currency, which one needs to buy items to keep going in the game, and all MGR has to offer you is rocket launchers. Not a bad reward, but when ammo is scarce due to the focus on melee combat, rockets are pretty much a liability.

DmC: 3
MGR: 2

Setpieces!
Of course, what would a hack and slasher be without fancy environments to hack apart your foes in? MGR  does a good job of creating high-octane action by having sequences where Raiden runs along a moving train, down a collapsing clock tower while fighting a Metal Gear RAY and battling enemy cyborgs on top of a stormy tower. But the trouble with these is that they aren't exactly awe-inspiring or original - they feel like sequences ripped from a Borne or Bond movie that we've seen a hundred times before. The environments themselves are nothing to write home about, either, mostly consisting of ruined streets or military bases and little else besides. On top of that, the dull, greyish-brown pallette means that no matter how exciting the cutcenes get, they lack a certain punch that just  a bit more vibrant colour could have added.

DmC, however, takes the proveribal chocolate cake when coming up with environment design. When Dante is propelled into Limbo, the realm of the demons that lies just behind the human world, everything turns red and hazy and gains a clear desire to murder the poor drifter in violent ways. The scenery itself shifts and rips in desperate attempts to kill Dante, glowing letters flashing accross the landscape to try and demoralize us. And from murderous carnivals and a run-down mansion decaying with age, we move to hopping up floating boxes in a demonic drinks factory to swinging through corridors fromed from bombastic news logos. There's even a sequence during the battle with evil newscaster Bob Barbas where Dante is monitored by a news camera as he dices up enemies, complete with scrolling text below filled with blatant lies about how handsome the villain is. They're silly, they're unique and they're fun, which is more than can be said for Street #124 Raiden is running down.

DmC: 4
MGR: 2

And the winner is...

DmC Devil May Cry

 

So there you go. In my own opinion, DmC  is a much more interesting and unique game than Metal Gear Rising. Of course, this is just my opinion - both games have their merits, and one could arge that there's a place for both games on any gamer's shelf, regardless of dumb fanboy wars or negative press. DmC does some things better, and MGR does other things better, and it all boils down to what you as a consumer want from your hack-and-slashers. So if you have the disposable income, get either game you fancy, because they're both great on their own merits and one shouldn't let petty arguments and personal feelings stand in the way of their overall quality. Who knows? Perhaps if they were to combine, they could produce the greatest game in the hack-and-slash genre to ever exist, dethroning God of War from it's throne of skulls and decapitations.

 

Also, to the Metal Gear fanboys who I know will be off to humiliate themselves in the comments by saying MGR should have won this...

 



DmC Devil May Cry - First Impressions

Okay, let me just get this out of the way before I begin.

DISCLAIMER: I am a twenty-year-old, slighty pudgy nerd stuck in a rented apartment in the middle of England with nothing but this internet connection and a slightly unhealthy obsession with Maltesers to keep him going through every day. I have no links to Capcom, Ninja Theory or any big gaming company involved with the development of DmC Devil May Cry you care to name, because I'm not cool enough for that. So there is no possible way I could have been "paid off" to say the things about DmC that I am going to say - I have always been and will continue to be an impartial speaker, with no general bias towards any perticular property, console or company that exists. Anyone who wishes to insinuate otherwise can direct their enquiries to the nearest ravenous, man-eating predator.

Right, that's that. Also, let me get this other thing out of the way - I never was a fan of Dante from Capcom's Devil May Cry series.

I was introduced to him via Marvel vs. Capcom 3, and his cocky, one-liner-shooting smugness immediately made me dislike him almost instantly. On top of that, Yahtzee Chroshaw's mostly negative review of Devil May Cry 4, as well as a mish-mash of conflicting evidence, implanted me the subconcious message to avoid any game in the series the same way I avoided Final Fantasy games back then (until Crystal Chronicles: Echoes of Time, that is, but shut up). From getting my ass handed to me to fuzzy second-hand comments about which game was the best and how technical you could get with what seemed to be dumb, over-the-top anime games, I just thought to myself for the longest time that the Devil May Cry series just wasn't for me.

So when Ninja Theory got torn apart for changing a lot of things in their reboot of the franchise, I was left kind of lost. Sure, Dante looked different. Sure, the world was different. Yes, creative director Tameem Antoniades was kind of a prick when you get right down to it. And yes, F-Bombs and Sniperbortions were being thrown around like the ball pit balls in Charlie Chalk's Fun Factory and the writing was juvenile as fuck. But I didn't really understand the outrage the fans were spewing onto the internet. Dante was still an unlikeable prick, even if he had been listening to Linkin Park for a bit and cutting his hair, and the game was still an over-the-top hack-and-slasher. What were people getting so mad about?

So today I toddled down to my local games retailer and bought a copy to see what the fuss was about.

So what's the story? Well, in this alternate-universe prequel-reboot... thing, Dante is living in a trailer and just trying to get through life with as little fuss and as much booze and angel stripper shagging as possible. Unfortunately, he just so happens to live in a city controlled by demons, who are keeping the public stupid via soft drinks and a terrible Bill O'Reily impersonator, and something about our hero(?) rubs them the wrong way enough for them to suck him into the alternate world of Limbo and send a giant monster after him to blow up his house. After dealing with that mishap, Dante is taken by a mysterious woman named Kat to meet his brother Vergil, leader of the terrorist organization known as Anonymous The Order, who reveals that there may be more to Dante than he realizes...

So going into the game, I could most definitely see why hardcore fans of the original games might bring out the pitchforks and torches. Not only has Ninja Theory seen fit to change Dante's design (on Capcom's suggestion, ironically enough), they also changed his character from a confident, self-assured badass to a whiny, self-important bellend. Tameem took every opportunity to insult the fans at every turn, claiming he had no respect for the original quadroligy  and that his story would "stand among the greats" despite... well, Sniperbortions. The change from Capcom's MT Framework to the Unreal Engine was seen as a downgrade by the technical fans, who claimed that the drop in framerate would cut out the depth of the combat. And on top of that, the writing is crap even by Capcom standards, and considering Street Fighter X Tekken reduced Kazuya to spouting cliche'd villainous one-liners, that's saying a lot.

So yes, I can perfectly understand why this game should get the flak it-

I AM THE FUCKING GOD OF HELLFIRE

...Woah, I do apologize. It's just that after experiencing the combat of DmC, I've developed the uncontrollable urge to bellow such lines at the top of my voice.

DmC, in my mind, stands next to Max Payne 3 as one of those games where, if you get it right, you feel like an untouchable god among men. It's the sort of game where you can walk into a room full of slavering demons and, a minute of button-pressing later, you can walk out again completely unscathed and feeling like a badass, with only the blood stains to tell the story of how you should not be fucked with ever. It's stylish, fairly simple to grasp, and once you truly get the hang of it it's a satisfying as wrestling open a particularly stubborn bottle top, although my Darksiders playthroughs might have helped pepare me for this game to a degree.

See, the game is obsessed with style. You build up "style" by chaining together successful combos, and the higher your style ranking at the end of a fight, the more points get added onto your score at the end of the level. You also get rewarded with currency and upgrade points to spend on new abilities, and if you get struck, you have to build up the style meter from scratch, and may not get as many rewards as before. So the idea is to basically be an untouchable badass who cuts apart anything that looks at him funny, flitting from mook to mook like an enraged butterfly on a sugar rush and busting out unimaginably crazy attacks. If you seriously don't find something awesome about keeping an enemy afloat with a constant stream of bullets, then it's time to re-assess the way you look at things.

But what DmC brings to the table are the interchangeable fighting modes that grant Dante different weapons and abilities to use in combat. In his standard mode, Dante wields his familiar sword Rebellion and uses his twin pistols Ebony and Ivory for long-ranged attacks. Pulling Left Trigger activates Angel Mode, where Dante uses the Osiris scythe for crowd control and fast, multi-hitting strikes. Pulling Right Trigger, inversely, acivates Demon Mode, where Dante's attacks with the giant hammer Arbiter are slow yet can shatter any defense. Both modes also feature different grappling techniques that allow you to deal with pesky airborne or far-away enemys and extend combos - the key is switching between the two modes to build up the style meter effectively.

And when you get it right, it feels fucking amazing. Here's a combo I'm very fond of at my current stage in the game - rush in with the Trillion Stabs, pull the enemy back with the demon chain, dice them up with the scythe, uppercut them into the air, perform a special move that's basically a rising tornado of bullets, dice them up some more, yank them back again, then smash them into the ground with the axe. The length of that sentence alone should tell you that the number of ways to inflict major pain on the demonic enemies you encounter is enough to keep things Schadenfreude-tastic, and I haven't even progressed that far in the game yet. There should be a law banning this kind of catharticism in the world.

And there is a feature in this game I will happily debase myself in gratitude for in future hack-and-slashers, and that's the "Try" feature in the shop. In games that allow you to spend points or whatever on buying new moves, I tend to get flummoxed by the array of choice I have, unsure wherever to pick the arm blades or the glidy-wings and wherever it's going to bite me in the arse later. Thankfully, DmC's shop grants you the ability to go into the game's Training mode to test out the move before you purchase it, allowing you to figure out if you could naturally work this move into your repitoire. Oh, yeah, and there's a training mode as well, which is also cathartic, but more in the punching-bag sense of whaling one this one unfortunate demon over and over until your thumbs hurt.

That said, practicing flashy combos in a white void against one enemy is one thing. Trying to remember your elaborate sequence of grapples, slashes and bullet bonanzas in the middle of a crowded room full of various types of jerks is another. Due to the huge variety of nasties all closing in to take a bite out of Dante's underfed arse, I tended to panic and mash buttons like Woody Woodpecker, occasionally pulling out the chains or hitting dodge when my Spider-Sense kicked in. I guess all that gushing about the flowing and intuitive nature of the combat is invalidated now, but it's this same button-mashing instinct that tends to get me through most fighters, so it seems to be working out fine here. I still get, like, B's and A's on the style meter.

So yes, DmC Devil May Cry can be called a lot of bad things. You can call it a catastrophic abomination that takes a dump on everything that was good about the previous games. You can call it a childishly-written lump of bad dialogue that reads like a 13-year-old's fan fiction fever dream. You can even call it another in a long line of Capcom's big blunders after the whole Mega Man and Street Fighter X Tekken debacles. But there have been few games I have ever played where I can cry "Giant Hary Bollocks to story and character development" and go smash someone's face apart in a kickass manner. One of those is Saints Row The Third, and the other is DmC.

So if nothing else, I can reccommend this game on the strength of it's combat and maybe the platforming sections, but I haven't played far enough to talk much about those. Maybe my not playing the previous games invalidates my opinion and secures me a spot in that special Hell nerds condemn people to for not agreeing with their views, but I'm having so much fun right now I simply don't care, so suck it, haters. If you're determined enough to overlook the troubled development history, unsubtle social commentary and flimsy writing of DmC, or never really cared about the franchise and just want to hit things with various kinds of metal stick, then I definitely say it's worth a

EAT SWORD YOU DEMONIC FUCKWITS

...That's it. Where's my cider?

Christmas Round Up = The Wii U

So in my last post, I forsaked the chance to talk about my newly-acquired Wii U to rant about how The Lorax is a terrible film. Understandably, you'll be feeling quite depressed by me slagging off a film so close to the new year, and no doubt I'll have earned some negative karma points for it. So in order to balance the books and cheer you up, I'm going to go ahead and talk about the Wii U anyway, because I just got one and I'm overdue for my Christmas Retrospective, anyway.

So here we go! =D

For those not in the loop, the Wii U is Nintendo's latest console, and as the name implies it's the direct successor to the Wii. Boasting features such as a new touch-screen controller, Wii game backwards compatability and acces to things such as YouTube and Facebook, the new console sets to break boundaries this year, mostly by being the only new console released in a while - already it has an advantage over the competitors. Bold claims are being made about it, such as having more graphical and processing power than the XBox 360, and people are getting hyped for the games looming over the horizion, such as Rayman Legends and an upcoming Super Smash Bros. title.

But speculation and hype can only do so much. Say you have a Wii U right now - what can you expect?

The Console

Well, I'll tell you this right away - if you got the Standard version, which comes as a bone-white console with 8GB of internal memory, then you're an idiot. You have basically handicapped yourself by buying a gimped version that can't hold as much save data and other features on it, and you will end up regretting this when you have to delete save files to make room for the next hot title. For the record, I ended up with the glossy black Deluxe edition that comes with 32GB of memory - sure, it's more expensive, but it's worth it when you can hold more games and software on it, so you can lord it over those who couldn't afford it. I am, after all, what is known as a bad winner.

"Deluxe" in this case means "Better".

Right out of the box you get the console and GamePad, the AC adapters for each (one to charge the GamePad), a HDMI cable instead of the previous, inferior SCART cable for HD glory, a Charging Cradle that works on the same principle as the 3DS's charging cradle, a copy of Nintendo Land and special stands. You also get a sensor bar so the console can read the movements of the GamePad and what Wii Remotes are synced to it, but I simply recycled the sensor bar from my old Wii and got pretty much the same results, so I'm not sure why Nintendo felt the need to include it. The stands for the console are to be used when you place it on it's side - which I pretty much had to do, owing to the fact that the only elegible place to put it was in the special shelving unit I bought for the Wii which only allowed for the veritcal configuration. A bit annoying but I can live with it.

The main feature of the Wii U is the GamePad. Not only does it have the same motion controls as the original Wii Remotes, but it also boasts a camera and built-in touch screen that serves different purposes - these will be elaborated on later, but for now it's best to know that on the home menu one uses the pad to make choices. The GamePad can also be customized to act as an external T.V. Remote, just in case you really want to show off or want to switch to BBC One so your brother can watch Doctor Who while you play your games. For those worrying, fear not - the screen of the GamePad shows the same high-quality, HD video that your T.V. will show, with only a minor difference in brightness to worry about.

The Wii U boasts the same Mii creation facility of the Wii and 3DS, as this all ties in to the big Nintendo Network thing the company is making to catch up with XBox Live and the PSN. I won't elaborate too much about this, but the basic concept is that it's kind of what happens when the Mii Maker, the Shopping Channel and Facebook adopt a baby and can't decide on the name - a mix of game purchasing, interacting with others and having a good old time. At the time of writing, however, my Wii U is unable to connect to our internet for mysterious reasons, so this feature is somewhat unavailable to us until we find a fix for it. Sad times. I did, however, succeed in importing my Mii from my 3DS, so that's something.

My only quibble about the console so far is the lack of out-of-the-box backwards compatability with past Wii games. For reasons unknown to me, Nintendo have forced consumers to perform a system update in order to access this feature instead of simply making it available from the get go. I vaguely remember technical issues were involved, but surely delaying the release by a month or two wouldn't have mattered if it meant fixing this issue? Were Nintendo really so desparate to rush the console out and get ahead of Microsoft and Sony? The fact that I have to transfer my old Wii's save data onto the new console to access the games is also kind of annoying, but since I can't get the system update due to connectivity issues, it's kind of a moot point.

So far, so good. But what about games. Well, rather than go over the already impressive libary of choices, from Tekken Tag Tournament 2 to Darksiders 2, let's take a brief look at the big four titles pretty much everyone will have when they get this thing.

Nintendo Land

This needs to exist in real life.

In the same way that Wii Sports was created to showcase the Wii's potential, Nintendo Land exists to prove what the Wii U and the GamePad can do. Bundled in with the Deluxe edition of the console, this party game is set in a Nintendo-themed amusement park (which needs to exist, seriously) and contains various mini-games themed on the various Nintendo franchises, from competitive ghost hunting in Luigi's Mansion to co-operative hack-n-slashing in the land of Hyrule. The game boasts five-player shenanigns with four Wii Remote users and one GamePad user, and rewards every playthrough with coins that can be spent on prizes, such as a jukebox that lets you listen to awesome tracks from the attractions.

So far, the game has proven to be a blast. I've failed at being as awesome as Captain Falcon, been hunted down as a ghost, been tackled into mud as Mario and filled knitted Moblins with arrows as Link. The GamePad is intergrated quite nicely into gameplay, and even the neat gimmick of using it to look around while exploring the plaza has a curious charm to it. I have only three minor quibbles to make of the game, and while I'm sure many people won't find them an issue, I found they got on my goat after a bit:

1. Every time you kick up a game, it feels the need to force you into the tutorials in case anyone new is playing and needs an explanation of the rules. You can skip them, which is a bonus, but I'd much rather they only stick to showing up on the first playthrough of a minigame or mode and then never come up again. There is the option to bring up the tutorial by pressing the Minus Button, but since the game forces control explanations on you anyway, it seems a bit redundant.
2. Monita is the latest in a long line of "helper" characters that Nintendo seem so fond of these days. In the tradition of helper characters, she tends to grate on the nerves in her attempts to be helpful, explaining things to you in the same condescending a preschool teachers tells a child about how reading is awesome. But on top of that, her fixed pixel expression of mild surprise and a voice like a female Microsoft Sam actually make her a bit unnerving. I swear she's plotting to murder you, the number of Moblins that get thrown your way in Battle Quest.
3. The box art uses Bauhaus 93. Really, Nintendo?

ZombiU

The undead are somehow scarier in those hats.

On the opposite spectrum to the colourful parade of fun that is Nintendo Land is the grim survival horror game we call Ubisoft's ZombiU, the token launch title to prove that no really, guys, Nintendo can do harcore titles. Set in London after a zombie apocalypse eats 90% of the populace, you play a series of random shmucks who end up being guided by a mysterious voice known as the Prepper in order to survive the undead hordes and hopefully find a cure. The game makes use of the GamePad as a kind of radar and inventory, allowing you to manage your items, ping for incoming zombies and scan the area for goodies, hackable objects and more. Also, it had a really awesome trailer.

Despite my sarcasm earlier, ZombiU actually succeeds in breaking out of the "hardcore launch title" mold by being actually kind of scary and challening. Ammo and medkits are sufficiently hard to find, zombies come at you in droves if you're stupid enough to make too much noise or light and when you get killed you have to find your previous character's corpse and kill it to get your stuff back. It's good at creating tension and panic when the hordes come a-knocking, and the Prepper seems a pretty decent chap for a faceless voice. I've heard people complain about the things I've mentioned such as the lack of ammo and difficulty in killing zombies, to which I say "What did you expect? This is survival horror, not fucking Halo."

Sonic and All-Stars Racing Transformed



Transformers! Bluer than you think!

Another launch title for the Wii U, Sonic and All-Stars Racing Transformed is simultaneously a fucking long title and the sequel to the previous All-Stars Racing game developed by Sumo Digital. But while All-Stars Racing was surprisingly good despite being cobbled together to meet a deadline, Transformed ups the ante by centering the game around the mechanic of shifting your vehicle from car mode to planes and boats as the course dictates, like Diddy Kong Racing without the pre-race faffery. The game also has the courtesy to introduce new characters such as Vyse from Skies of Arcadia and Gilius Thunderhead from Golden Axe, as well as Wreck-It Ralph from the upcoming Disney film of the same name as a bonus character.

I was geniunely surprised by this one, because I had expected the transforming thing to be something of a gimmick that didn't add much. My suspicions were proved wrong during the Skies of Arcadia stage, where a sudden battled between airships started ripping the course apart, forcing me to take to the air and traverse a whole different course from the one my wheels had been screeching over two laps previously. The game makes the most of the transforming thing in that you have to think about what routes to take to get the best powerups or stay ahead, and while the difficulty could use a bit of tweaking there's a solid, polished game here that provides plenty of fun if you get some friends together. Plus, there's 10-way multiplayer, and that's worth boasting about.

(P.S.: Get the Limited Edition, it has Metal Sonic. Quickly, before it's sold out D: )

New Super Mario Bros. U

The Mario Bros. Musical Tour was going swimmingly.

Continuing the New Super Mario Bros. formula, New Super Mario Bros. U sees the return of Mario, Luigi and those two random Toads who probably should become regular cast members by now. Bowser's plan this time is just to chuck the heroes across the entire kingdom, basbeall style, and the gang ends up trekking the Mushroom Kingdom to save Peach from being held hostage in her own damn castle, of all places. Gameplay evolutions this time around include the Flying Squirrel Suit to replace the good ol'-fashioned raccoon tails, the return of Yoshi and his inflatable offspring (eeewwww) and the addition of a fifth player who can add Boost Blocks to provide platforms and touch enemies to stall them.

I don't doubt that there's plenty of fun to be had when friends are involved, and one can have a right laugh with items like Yoshi Balloons and the return of Super Mario Galaxy's Ice Flower. But my main gripe is that the difficulty can get a bit schizophrenic. At times levels can be quite easy, and the fact using the Boost Blocks nets coins means it's trivial to gather those extra lives. But some levels take the Rayman Origins approach where you have to time jumps or keep moving to avoid sudden death, and there are situations where Boost Blocks are vital for survivial or getting all the secrets in a level. Whoever said Mario games were as easy as Princess Daisy never had to rely on someone to give them a boostie.

Verdict

As 2012 waves goodbye and saunters off the stage to let 2013 play it's set, the Wii U is most certaintly riding high. With barely much in the way of competition to worry about, Nintendo's new console has all the time it needs to strut down the catwalk and gather up the killer titles it needs to get the sales rolling in, like Super Smash Bros., the inevitable Zelda  title and whatever other installments are planned. And with titles like Darksiders and Tekken already present, as well as a sleuth of online features to keep itself fresh, there's no doubt that by the time the XBox 720 and the PS4 roll into town it's going to take a lot of effort to shove the Wii U from it's throne. Here's hoping that the future is bright and Mario and his crazy gang are leading the way!

Well, hope that cheered you all up after my previous Lorax rant. And with that, I'm off for more shenanigans on Metroid Blast. Happy New Year, all!

And remember, if nothing else...

Darksiders 2 - First Impressions

So in my last blog post, I mentioned that I recently purchased Darksiders 2, the parallel sequel to the first Darksiders game, which I reviewed in tandem with Kid Icarus: Uprising in April. And despite not having finished the first game (shut the fuck up Azrael and help me beat this puzzle D:<), I had heard from hearsay and quick peeks at the grownup reviews that Darksiders 2 is a large improvement on the first Darksiders. So on that note, here is a summary of the first few hours of the game.

"I dunno, I still think Jessica might not like all the hair gel..."

Darksiders 2 begins with Death, Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse, riding out into an icy wasteland on his horse Misery with his pet crow Dust. The in-game narration reveals that Death seeks a man known as the Keeper of Secrets in order to clear his brother War of his giagantic whoopsie in Darksiders. After showing off the fancy palace where the Keeper of Secrets lives, the game lets us take control, and the first thing we notice is that Misery is far better than Ruin, War's horse, because he can actually jump. Also, you have him right from the start instead of having to slog through three whole dungeons to find him, which is always a bonus.

So you ride up to the castle, dismount from Misery and climb up some rubble to reach the front porch. Death immediately gets set upon by a duo of axe-wielding ice skeletons, and this is where the combat kicks in. Two major improvements make themselves apparent - firstly, you can see the health meters of the monsters, so you know how much damage you're doing with each swipe of Death's scythes. Secondly, Death is far more agile than War - he can actually dodge things instead of merely sliding out of the way, and pressing jump during combos causes him to launch foes with a backward flip kick, which can link neatly into arial attacks. Overall, much better than mashing buttons until you see the kill prompt come up.

Killing the skeletons reveals another facet of the jewel that is Darksiders 2 - enemies sometimes drop loot, in a manner remeniscient of Diablo and other dungeon crawlers. These range from various sorts of boots and gloves, to secondary weapons like hammers and claws and even new sorts of scythes. Equipping them increases Death's various stats, such as attack and defense, and also factor into the new skill system the game has going on. See, Death can acquire skill points from levelling up, which can be assigned to abilities that he can learn. Each ability factors into one of two playstyles - do you be a vicious Harbringer, wading through enemies in a blur of scythes, or a deadly Necromancer, summoning minions and casting spells to do your bidding? And the equipment you pick can either help or hinder your chosen playstyle in different ways.

But since the first level doesn't say much about it, neither shall I.

Anyway, after killing the skeletons, we move into the interior of the castle, guided by Dust, who acts as the Darksiders version of Navi from Legend of Zelda (but better, as he is a crow and cannot talk).  This is where we are introduced to the parkour system that lets Death navigate chasms and things, and like the combat this is a major improvement on the first game. War could only slide around on ledges and designated hangs - Death runs along walls, swings on beams and climbs up pillars like a grizzled wolverine with greasy hair. It's oddly satisfying to rattle off those button presses and watch the Reaper leap from protrusion to surface in one smooth motion - not Prototype level, but almost wierdly so.

As we guide Spider-Death through the ruined, icy dungeon, Darksiders 2 shows that Joe Madureira, the creative director, still has a knack for comic-book style visuals. An absurd amount of Warhammer 40K-ish detail has gone into the character design and scenery - from the crumbling remains of an angel statue on this one lift that gets stuck halfway through, to the skull-like details on Death's belt and gloves. I've heard people cry foul on this sort of "overdesign", especially since War in the first game looked like a coral reef that had learned to walk, but in an over-the-top fantasy action game like this it works, in a roundabout way. I mean, it's not like you're expected to take it seriously, is it?

Eventually, we reach the first sub-boss - a giagantic ice beast. The creature functions pretty much like your average God of War boss fight - dodge his overly-telegraphed attack and ram your scythes up his butt before he can turn around. And hopefully you brought a hammer or axe with you from killing the random mooks, because you need them to make your long combos and do damage quickly. Eventually, the Ice Giant is bested when Death sprouts skeletal wings, rips his head off and uses it to smash the beast's body to pieces, and frankly I can't think of any better way to spend a lazy summer afternoon.

After this, we reach the Keeper of Secrets - the Crowfather, as he is called. Old Man Crowface knows of a way to clear War's name, but because Death screwed him over by giving him an amulet full of complaining souls, he refuses to help. With no other choice, Death has to fight, and the Crowfather takes the form of War in order to fight back. While this boss battle is similar to the Ice Giant fight, keep in mind that Warfather can strike multiple times and has ranged attacks as well, so you may want to keep a finger on that dodge button and occasionally scarf a health potion. Also, when the quick-time-event pops up, mash X like Woddy Woodpecker or lose half of your health.

Once that's over, Death kills the Crowfather, in a rather dickish move. But then the amulet the Crowfather was carrying explodes, and the shrapnel lodges itself into Death's chest. Screaming in pain, Death collapses as the Crowfather's form disapates, turning into a black portal that consumes our heroric Horseman...

So that was the first level of Darksiders 2. And even from the first hour or so, it shapes up to have many major improvements over it's predecessor. Whilst Darksiders got a lot of flak for basically being Zelda with a somewhat whinier protagonist, Darksiders 2 does just enough to evolve past that, adding enough new things to feel like a proper sequel and to give me a lot of hope for this installment. The fact that it will be coming out on the Wii U sometime soon is proof enough that the series stands out on it's own, although having already brought the XBox 360 version, I will be unable to take advantage of whatever console-exclusive features THQ add.

The same mistake I made with Tekken Tag Tournament 2, apparently.


*Sigh...*