Kouta's peaceful morning of smoking weed on his apartment balcony was ruined when a bright pink Hummer crashed through his wall.
"Get in the car, loser," grinned Panty. "We're going to the fucking jungle."
"...you've ruined my house," was all Kouta could manage in the shock of the moment.
"Don't sweat it, Kouta, darling," retored Stocking, not looking at him. "Just call that Cosine cunt and have him foot the bill. It's not like you've got any other shit to do."
Kouta would have liked to point out that this was a blatant falsehood. He was still in uni and had a lot of prep to do if he wanted to earn the grade that would meet his asshole father's standards. But he also knew that, for all of his bullshit time powers, both angels would tie him into a pretzel if he did anything to piss them off. Or worse. He still winced when he remembered their story of what they did to Kou.
"...what about all my stuff?" he tried, once more.
"Fuck it, we'll buy you new shit when we get there!" Panty tossed her hair out of her eyes. "Perfect time to get your godawful fashion sense ironed out! I've been fantasizing about you in a leather jacket and nothing else for the past two days and I am mad wet for that."
So, still in mild shock and with great reluctance, Kouta climbed into the back seat of See-Through without packing so much as a toothbrush. Stocking turned around and gave him a quick peck on the cheek as he buckled up, then hit the gas so hard the youth swore he heard the pedal bend. The vehicle shot forward with a noise like a dragon having a particularly rough colonoscopy, tearing up the apartment even more, and plummeted down to the road below with a thunderous crash before roaring down the street at top speed.
"And why," screamed Kouta over the engine and the wind in his ears, "are we going to the fucking jungle? Aside from that being where the Kobbers are gonna be?"
"Two reasons." Stocking never took her eyes off the road, even as she swung the hulk of See-Through between gaps in the traffic. "One, chocolate grows there and I want it. Two, Panty wants to bang her way through an entire hidden tribe's worth of men. And three, you're a goddamn nervous wreck from your studies and you need to get the fuck out of there before you pull an Elliot Rogers and shoot up Olympia. And we're gonna save you with the power of palm trees, parrots and hot native girls with coconut bras."
"Call it a pussy vacation!" Panty had pulled up her phone and was scrolling through it. "Social media's screaming that Agama's the place to be for horny students right now! What better way to get a load of your mind, Geek Boy, than by blowing a few loads of your own?"
"...you two are absolutely disgusting."
"Bitch, you love it!" Both angels said that at the same time, looking back with matching grins.
Kouta couldn't help but grin back. "Yeah, I... kinda do."
"Besides," added Stocking, turning back to the road and turning a wicked hairpin, "me and Panty got jobs to do. If the Kobbers are gonna show up in Agama, then so is every dark and twisted thing lurking in those fucking trees. You think Ghosts that show up in cities are bad? Wait until you get a load of jungle spirits."
"Christ, she's not kidding." Panty was now snapping selfies and trying to get as much of her own cleavage into them as possible. "When you're not steppin' on eggshells with grass skirt-wearing twats who think their gods are walking among them, you're trying to kill things that have been festerin' in the jungle mud for hundreds of years and become part of the fucking furniture. And that's before we deal with the dickheads trying to start a cult in the middle of the mangroves."
Stocking rolled her eyes. "Ugh, don't even get me started. It's like, 'Bitch, do I gotta talk to you about the Satanic Panic and how much bullshit that was?' It's like they're begging to get bent over by cops with stun batons!
"Hey, if a cop asked me to bend over the hood, I'd be all like 'Sure, officer, do you want me to keep the panties on~?'"
"Ugh, is there anything hard you won't say no to?"
But Kouta had long tuned out of the conversation. The once item he'd managed to hold onto was his phone, and he was now scrolling through the headlines in a desperate bid to reassure himself that this imprompty vacation would go smoothly.
This proved to be a mistake, as nothing but clickbait screamed out at him.
MOUNTAIN MONSTER "BARADAGI" SPOTTED?
"RYUSOUL TRIBE" - PROOF REMAINS ELUSIVE!
"TIGA PYRAMID" CONTINUES TO BAFFLE!
He groaned.
"Evolto, come back, all is forgiven."
-------
"Coming to you live, this is Good Morning Agama, your one place for Kobber News! And now, your hosts!"
"One's Chick, the other's Stew, and you know the routine!"
"They should do, Chick! They've only been tuning in for the past twenty years!"
"It's always someone's first show, Stew. Not everyone has the time to consume the 24-7 glut of fearmongering clickbait and reactionary tripe that social media spews out on a constant basis.
"But in actual news, instead of pointless fillibusters, we have yet another rumor to add to the increasing pile in the buildup to Kobber arrival to Agama City! The sad fact is, sightings of what may be yet more Kobber Killer activity have finally reached our fair jungle abode, as a man was found today in a critical condition outside of the city limits. While no word has come from the general hospital concerning his state, eyewitness reports and footage at the scene indicates the man was in a... baffling state when he was discovered."
"Only way it could be described, Chick, was if he got into that teleporter accident in that Jeff Goldblum movie! But replace the fly with an entire engine block from a land rover, and you got the general idea! Yeesh, just thinking about it gives me the heebie-jeebies!"
"I feel you there, Stew. Thankfully, our contacts in the Kobber world have been able to disseminate a potential profile of the person responsible for the man's condition. Based on compiled reports from across the globe, the man's description matches that of Japanese serial killer Yatsu Taniguchi, who supposedly went missing from his cell in a maximum-security prison two years ago. Yatsu was informally known by the public as 'The Metal Fetishist'-"
"Eeeeew!"
"-due to his bizzare fixation on metal and machinery, as well as a crippling cocktail of mental illnesses that drove him to commit his crimes. In fact, our reliable source on the inside states that the hospitalized man's symptoms are similar to Yatsu's previous victims, whom he mutilated in a bid to create living weapons he called 'Bodyhammers'. A major warning bulletin has since been sent out, and all members of the public are advised to be on the lookout."
"Boy... And I thought things were scary enough with the giant monsters and the pyramids and hidden tribes!"
"The fact that you believe any of that clickbait frightens me, Stew. On a deeply personal level."
"Hey, with half the things that happen during Kobber season, you can't be too careful!"
"Uh-huh. And how much did you spend on that 'anti-Ghidorah' umbrella again?"
"...enough to make my wife kick me out of the house, Chick."
"My sympathy well has long dried up."
-------
FIRMWARE DETECTED: fmOS V1.0. Property of FUTURE MEMORY, LLC.
STARTUP BEGIN. Initating power-up procedures...
Initializing framework...
CROSSLYNQ connection to cyberspace established. Checking for file updates...
All files up to date. Performing final logic routine check.
No errors detected.
Booting up...
"Oh! Well, hello, and welcome, everyone! My name is Monitan, and I'll be your guide to the world of CROSSNIQ+, the breakout new game from FUTURE MEMORY! So...
"...ready to cross to the future~?"
~COMING THIS MAY~
