According to some posts on Yoshinori Ono's Twitter, those 12 characters I mentioned might actually be DLC for the console versions as well. Given that the PSVita version isn't released until Autumn (Fall, for you wierdo Americans), it's highly probable console owners would already have them all by the time it rolls out.
All is forgiven, Ono.
For now.
Thursday, 23 February 2012
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
My Reaction to PS Vita Version of SFxT Getting 12 Exclusive Characters
And there's no word on if they're going to be DLC for the console versions because Yoshinori Ono is a goddamned troll and a cocktease.
Fuck you, Capcom. Fuck you.
Self-Inserts, and Why I Hate Them
Enough of me gushing about games that nobody cares about. Time for me to get a thing off off of my chest.
Writing characters is hard. Everyone who reads this blog should know this, and anyone who's attempted writing longer than a few paragraphs should know this, too. And as we all know, the human mind is conditioned to try and find the easy way out of any problem the world throws at it. I remember waaaay back in secondary school (or whatever you Americans have in place of it) when I suddenly got the urge to write a fantasy novel about a civil war between knight and ninjas. The title would have been Ninjas vs. Knights, which shows you how much of a creative drive I had back then, and would have featured a roster of characters based loosely on myself and the circle of friends that I was a part of in those days. I figured that since coming up with proper characters is hard to do, I'd simply use our personalities as a template - a phenomenon that hive of scum and villainy TV Tropes calles "Write Who You Know".
I got as far as the first chapter before realising "Why would I want to do this terrible thing?"
See, I appreciate that it's hard to give depth to a person who doesn't really exist - all that nonsense with backstory and justifications is like trying to untangle a giant knot in a shoe-lace factory. But if you go to all the effort, then it can be hugely rewarding - a character can become something else entirely. They end up having their own voice and thoughts, and they fit into the world you've built as smoothly as a hand in a nice warm winter glove. Writing them can become second nature once you have all their quirks and characteristics down. And when that happens, it's wonderful.
But creating a character who stands in for yourself or a person you know, as far as I'm concerned, is a cheap and lazy tactic. When you do that, you immediately show your audience that you have all the imagination of a brick, that you have absolutely no intention of putting any kind of effort or creativity into your work, and would rather just paste an established personality into a setting. As a person who likes to spend the effort making sure that his characters make sense and have credible personalities that the audience can identify and sympathise with, it grinds my gears to see people trying to cheat their way out of one of the most vital aspects of story-telling. If you're going to skimp out like that, then there's a good chance you're going to skimp out on everything else too, you talentless hack.
And it becomes even more obvious if the kind of person you've based your character on does not even fit into the setting - your skater cousin might be a cool and infulential person in this modern world of wonder, but even if you made him a bard who spoke in the generic fantasy English of the setting, he'd still get chucked in the dungeons in all probability because he called the princess a funny street name. When you create a character, you have to ensure that their personality is not only credible, but makes sense in the context of the worldbuilding you've done - their race, history and relationships with people around them. There is no excuse for cheaping out and copy-pasting your own personality, because then that raises the question of why the palace guards haven't shot you for using the world "dude", which, for the sake of example, might sound vaguely like the Dwarvish word for "prostitute".
But there's an even bigger problem with self-inserts that butters my crampons more than anything else. Often, the writer is literally putting himself into the story for the sake of wish-fulfilment. To elaborate, here is a quote from Yahtzee Croshow of Zero Punctuation fame in one of his many snarks against Ctrl Alt Delete, that lurching zombie of a webcomic:
"But while you are a repressed, socially retarded dullard who no one would ever honestly admit to liking, your author insertion character is a fantasy, so they will be a charismatic eccentric who is unconditionally loved by everyone, even while he's setting their dog on fire."
Do you see what I'm getting at? The one big reason for making a self-insert character is to stroke the author's ego - they want to snog the princess, slay the dragon and do all the awesome things they can never do because their copius cheeto-dusted bulk is permanently glued to the chair in front of their laptop. I went into writing Ninjas vs. Knights with a similar mindset - I only wrote it because I wanted to turn myself and all of my friends into a quirky action squad worthy of a Power Rangers film directed by Michael Bay (Let's hope that never happens), and as I mature I look back on this and wonder how I possibly could have been so God-shockingly retarded. Was my self-esteem really so low that I had to steal the name of a rejected Mortal Kombat character and put myself as the head of a ninja clan to make myself feel better? Had I become so bored with my otherwise decent life to even consider writing such a hopeless fantasy, regardless of the fact that ninjas and knights didn't even exist in the same fucking time period? It goes without saying that this is why author-insertion is considered a symptom of the Mary-Sue disease - because the character in question is basically the author doing what he wants in a world of his own making in order to make him feel more worthy of existing than he really is.
Phew, that was a big paragraph.
Anyway, let me just clear this up right now, because I know someone is going to call me out on this - Gooper, I'm not attacking you. The thought never crossed my mind. It was brave of you to admit that Widow Maker was an author-insert, and for the most part I have no problem with that, because at least you're not trying to fulfil some deranged wankfest. But I am of the mindset that a character should be their own thing, and have their own personality and depth. Using a character as a mouthpiece for your own beliefs is generally a bad idea, especially in RP'ing situations such as DnD and whatnot. But sadly, there are some people out there who just don't seem to understand this (I'm looking at you, B^Uckley and Dominic Deegan).
Welp, rant over. Tune in next time, when I gushingly review Street Fighter X Tekken and drop subliminal hints telling you to play as King.
Writing characters is hard. Everyone who reads this blog should know this, and anyone who's attempted writing longer than a few paragraphs should know this, too. And as we all know, the human mind is conditioned to try and find the easy way out of any problem the world throws at it. I remember waaaay back in secondary school (or whatever you Americans have in place of it) when I suddenly got the urge to write a fantasy novel about a civil war between knight and ninjas. The title would have been Ninjas vs. Knights, which shows you how much of a creative drive I had back then, and would have featured a roster of characters based loosely on myself and the circle of friends that I was a part of in those days. I figured that since coming up with proper characters is hard to do, I'd simply use our personalities as a template - a phenomenon that hive of scum and villainy TV Tropes calles "Write Who You Know".
I got as far as the first chapter before realising "Why would I want to do this terrible thing?"
See, I appreciate that it's hard to give depth to a person who doesn't really exist - all that nonsense with backstory and justifications is like trying to untangle a giant knot in a shoe-lace factory. But if you go to all the effort, then it can be hugely rewarding - a character can become something else entirely. They end up having their own voice and thoughts, and they fit into the world you've built as smoothly as a hand in a nice warm winter glove. Writing them can become second nature once you have all their quirks and characteristics down. And when that happens, it's wonderful.
But creating a character who stands in for yourself or a person you know, as far as I'm concerned, is a cheap and lazy tactic. When you do that, you immediately show your audience that you have all the imagination of a brick, that you have absolutely no intention of putting any kind of effort or creativity into your work, and would rather just paste an established personality into a setting. As a person who likes to spend the effort making sure that his characters make sense and have credible personalities that the audience can identify and sympathise with, it grinds my gears to see people trying to cheat their way out of one of the most vital aspects of story-telling. If you're going to skimp out like that, then there's a good chance you're going to skimp out on everything else too, you talentless hack.
And it becomes even more obvious if the kind of person you've based your character on does not even fit into the setting - your skater cousin might be a cool and infulential person in this modern world of wonder, but even if you made him a bard who spoke in the generic fantasy English of the setting, he'd still get chucked in the dungeons in all probability because he called the princess a funny street name. When you create a character, you have to ensure that their personality is not only credible, but makes sense in the context of the worldbuilding you've done - their race, history and relationships with people around them. There is no excuse for cheaping out and copy-pasting your own personality, because then that raises the question of why the palace guards haven't shot you for using the world "dude", which, for the sake of example, might sound vaguely like the Dwarvish word for "prostitute".
But there's an even bigger problem with self-inserts that butters my crampons more than anything else. Often, the writer is literally putting himself into the story for the sake of wish-fulfilment. To elaborate, here is a quote from Yahtzee Croshow of Zero Punctuation fame in one of his many snarks against Ctrl Alt Delete, that lurching zombie of a webcomic:
"But while you are a repressed, socially retarded dullard who no one would ever honestly admit to liking, your author insertion character is a fantasy, so they will be a charismatic eccentric who is unconditionally loved by everyone, even while he's setting their dog on fire."
Do you see what I'm getting at? The one big reason for making a self-insert character is to stroke the author's ego - they want to snog the princess, slay the dragon and do all the awesome things they can never do because their copius cheeto-dusted bulk is permanently glued to the chair in front of their laptop. I went into writing Ninjas vs. Knights with a similar mindset - I only wrote it because I wanted to turn myself and all of my friends into a quirky action squad worthy of a Power Rangers film directed by Michael Bay (Let's hope that never happens), and as I mature I look back on this and wonder how I possibly could have been so God-shockingly retarded. Was my self-esteem really so low that I had to steal the name of a rejected Mortal Kombat character and put myself as the head of a ninja clan to make myself feel better? Had I become so bored with my otherwise decent life to even consider writing such a hopeless fantasy, regardless of the fact that ninjas and knights didn't even exist in the same fucking time period? It goes without saying that this is why author-insertion is considered a symptom of the Mary-Sue disease - because the character in question is basically the author doing what he wants in a world of his own making in order to make him feel more worthy of existing than he really is.
Phew, that was a big paragraph.
Anyway, let me just clear this up right now, because I know someone is going to call me out on this - Gooper, I'm not attacking you. The thought never crossed my mind. It was brave of you to admit that Widow Maker was an author-insert, and for the most part I have no problem with that, because at least you're not trying to fulfil some deranged wankfest. But I am of the mindset that a character should be their own thing, and have their own personality and depth. Using a character as a mouthpiece for your own beliefs is generally a bad idea, especially in RP'ing situations such as DnD and whatnot. But sadly, there are some people out there who just don't seem to understand this (I'm looking at you, B^Uckley and Dominic Deegan).
Welp, rant over. Tune in next time, when I gushingly review Street Fighter X Tekken and drop subliminal hints telling you to play as King.
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
Holy Fucking Shit
This game just went past Eleven, went right back round and reached Eleven all over again. March 9th, GET OVER HERE so I can get my pre-ordered Special Edition copy already.
Monday, 13 February 2012
Fighting Game Terminology - A Beginner's Guide
I love fighting games.
I think I've said this so much you automatically puke whenever I bring it up, but I love them so much. The intense mindgames with an opponent, the rush of adrenaline while pulling off a tricky combo, and the sense of achievement that comes from securing victory with a well-placed super move - these are things that few games, for me, so readily provide. They might not be everyone's cup of tea, I'll admit that, but for those willing to devote the time and effort to mastering them, there's a world of rewards to be had, including the smug superiority of knowing you're better at them than the friends you invite over for parties.
But like a lot of things in this world, including science and the Geneva Convention, the competetive fighting game scenario is one that is littered with lots of strange lingo that confuses and baffles those people who are new to the whole thing. What do feet have to do with fighting games, apart from kicking people? What is a combo, and can I get one at McDonalds? For those not in the know about the many perks and nuances of the genre, or about the competetive scene full stop, it can be like trying to learn French with nothing more than a dictionary and Google Translate (trust me, I know what it's like).
But hope is not lost, my friends! With the European release of Street Fighter X Tekken less than a month away, I'd like to take the opportunity to complie a small list of fighting game terminology, along with their defenitions, in order to help those budding World Warriors or Kings of Iron Fist out there get to grips with the confusing world in front of them, and perhaps improve their own playstyle by keeping these important terms in mind. Who knows - maybe this post will inspire someone out there to become the next Justin Wong or Daigo Umehara!
...Then maybe I will grow electric wings and fly up to the Moon Kingdom.
Baiting
Baiting is a practive used by players to try and lure an opponent into making a mistake, leaving them open to attack. Baiting often consists of deliberately whiffing moves to lull the opponent into a false sense of security.
Example: "Good Baiting from Daigo!"
BnB
BnB is an abbreviation of Bread-and-Butter. This refers to a combo or technique for a character that is widely used because it is highly effective and easy to pull off. Some characters can have multiple BnB combos.
Example: "That's a decent Kazuya BnB you have there."
Cancel
In some fighting games, Cancels involve suddenly breaking off the current attack animation by inputting a command that "cancels" the previous one. This is usually inputting the command for a special move whilst the character is still performing a normal attack.
Example: "Hey, did you know you can cancel Deadpool's Happy-Happy Trigger from his taunt?"
Combo
Combos are the basic elements of almost all fighting games. A combo involves performing attacks in rapid succession, giving the opponent little-to-no chance of retalliation before the sequence is over. How combos are performed differs from game to game.
Example: "Spencer has some decent combos, but they take some effort to pull off."
Counter
Counters are successful attacks that are landed when the opponent is attacking as well. In some games, performing a counter carries bonuses, such as extra damage. The Dead Or Alive series revolves around counters, granting massive damage if excecuted properly.
Example: "Ooh, nice Counter there!"
Cross-Up
Cross-Ups are techniques that make it diffuclt for the opponent to tell which direction they should block. A standard Cross-Up woukd involved performing a jumping attack whilst jumping over an opponent, although certain characters may have special techniques that can create Cross-Ups without the need for jumping.
Example: "Oni has a good Cross-Up game with his Demon Slash."
Footsies
Footsies refers to a situation where the players are out of combo range, and are trying to either land a hit to start a combo or bait the opponent into range.
Example: "This is an intense footsies game!"
Juggles
Juggles refers to a kind of combo that involves knocking an opponent into the air, and then keeping them airborne with a combo. Juggles mean that a player can build up damage rapidly without fear of retalliation, although, as with many combos, timing is nesseccary. Tekken is built primarily around juggles, and this carries over into Street Fighter X Tekken.
Example: "Steve Fox is just built around juggles, it's crazy, man."
Mix-Up
A Mix-Up is a technique that involves making attacks difficult to predict. This usually involves a mix of standing and crouching attacks in random order, as these attacks require different actions from the opponent to be blocked. A good Mix-Up game would be one that requires split-second timing to block.
Example: "Lei Wulong has so many Mix-Ups! Argh, how do I block them all?!"
OTG
OTG is an abbreviation of Off-The-Ground. In Marvel vs. Capcom, the term refers to attacks that can hit an opponent lying on the ground, bouncing them up and leaving them vulnerable for another attack. These are useful for extending combos.
Example: "OTG! BIONIC! AAAAAAAARM!"
Overhead
An Overhead is in an attack that can only be blocked standing, and not while crouching. Overheads are a good countermeasure against players who are playing defensively. As many jumping attacks count as Overheads, this term usually refers to ground attacks in this vein.
Example: "Ryu's Collarbone Breaker is a good Overhead."
Poke
Pokes are quick attacks performed at the maximum range the attack will allow. This is often used to create distance between the players, or to get some damage in from a safe distance.
Example: "Nice use of pokes by Justin there."
Punish
Punishing involves immediately attacking an opponent after blocking their attack, often when the opponent has whiffed an attack or is recovering from an attack. This strategy is quite viable after blocking a move that is not considered safe.
Example: "King's Reverse Arm Slam is useful for punishing."
Recovery
Recovery is a term that refers to the time taken for a character to return to a standing state from performing an action, usually after blocking an attack, being hit or while getting up from the ground. The shorter the recovery time, the better.
Example: "Paul's Megaton Knuckle has terrible recovery."
Reversal
Reversals are special moves performed during a recovery state. In some games, Reversals grant a small window of invincibility, making them ideal for turning the tide if a player was knocked down and an opponent is attemtping to attack.
Example: "Ken's Dragon Punch makes for a vicious reversal."
Safe
An attack that is "safe" is one that does not leave the player open if it is blocked, giving the player time to recover and block any incoming attacks. Attacks that are "not safe" are those that carry the risk of putting the player in a situation where they can be punished if the attack is blocked.
Example: "Iron Man's Level 3 Hyper is not safe, as it puts him too close to the opponent."
Sweep
Sweeps are attacks that trip the opponent up. Sweeps are often a quick, easy way of knocking an opponent over, although they may not have much use on their own.
Example: "Every character in Mortal Kombat has a sweep. It's like a law or something."
Rushdown and Zoning
Rushdown is a strategy that involves being extremely agressive, getting as close to the opponent as possible and using a variety of mix-ups and other techniques to pressurise an opponent. Characters have have lots of fast moves are good for rushdown. On the opposite end is Zoning, which involves keeping a certain distancer away from the opponent and punishing their attempts to come close. Characters that use projectiles are ideal for Zoning.
Example: "Deadpool is good for Rushdown, but he also has options for Zoning as well."
Whiff
Whiffing describes instances when an attack completely misses the opponent. In most cases, whiffing is undesirable, as it spoils combo opportunities and leaves the player open, giving time for the opponent to recover. However, whiffing does have a use in some instances - it can be used to bait an opponent into leaving themselves open.
Example: "Damn it, Tom, Stop whiffing that Light Punch!"
Keep in mind that not all fighting games are the same - while the basic terminology here may still apply, each game has it's own little book of terms that might not apply to other games.
I may update this list with more terms as time goes on, and perhaps throw in some exclusive to Street Fighter X Tekken for the lolz. Until then, enjoy!
I think I've said this so much you automatically puke whenever I bring it up, but I love them so much. The intense mindgames with an opponent, the rush of adrenaline while pulling off a tricky combo, and the sense of achievement that comes from securing victory with a well-placed super move - these are things that few games, for me, so readily provide. They might not be everyone's cup of tea, I'll admit that, but for those willing to devote the time and effort to mastering them, there's a world of rewards to be had, including the smug superiority of knowing you're better at them than the friends you invite over for parties.
But like a lot of things in this world, including science and the Geneva Convention, the competetive fighting game scenario is one that is littered with lots of strange lingo that confuses and baffles those people who are new to the whole thing. What do feet have to do with fighting games, apart from kicking people? What is a combo, and can I get one at McDonalds? For those not in the know about the many perks and nuances of the genre, or about the competetive scene full stop, it can be like trying to learn French with nothing more than a dictionary and Google Translate (trust me, I know what it's like).
But hope is not lost, my friends! With the European release of Street Fighter X Tekken less than a month away, I'd like to take the opportunity to complie a small list of fighting game terminology, along with their defenitions, in order to help those budding World Warriors or Kings of Iron Fist out there get to grips with the confusing world in front of them, and perhaps improve their own playstyle by keeping these important terms in mind. Who knows - maybe this post will inspire someone out there to become the next Justin Wong or Daigo Umehara!
...Then maybe I will grow electric wings and fly up to the Moon Kingdom.
Baiting
Baiting is a practive used by players to try and lure an opponent into making a mistake, leaving them open to attack. Baiting often consists of deliberately whiffing moves to lull the opponent into a false sense of security.
Example: "Good Baiting from Daigo!"
BnB
BnB is an abbreviation of Bread-and-Butter. This refers to a combo or technique for a character that is widely used because it is highly effective and easy to pull off. Some characters can have multiple BnB combos.
Example: "That's a decent Kazuya BnB you have there."
Cancel
In some fighting games, Cancels involve suddenly breaking off the current attack animation by inputting a command that "cancels" the previous one. This is usually inputting the command for a special move whilst the character is still performing a normal attack.
Example: "Hey, did you know you can cancel Deadpool's Happy-Happy Trigger from his taunt?"
Combo
Combos are the basic elements of almost all fighting games. A combo involves performing attacks in rapid succession, giving the opponent little-to-no chance of retalliation before the sequence is over. How combos are performed differs from game to game.
Example: "Spencer has some decent combos, but they take some effort to pull off."
Counter
Counters are successful attacks that are landed when the opponent is attacking as well. In some games, performing a counter carries bonuses, such as extra damage. The Dead Or Alive series revolves around counters, granting massive damage if excecuted properly.
Example: "Ooh, nice Counter there!"
Cross-Up
Cross-Ups are techniques that make it diffuclt for the opponent to tell which direction they should block. A standard Cross-Up woukd involved performing a jumping attack whilst jumping over an opponent, although certain characters may have special techniques that can create Cross-Ups without the need for jumping.
Example: "Oni has a good Cross-Up game with his Demon Slash."
Footsies
Footsies refers to a situation where the players are out of combo range, and are trying to either land a hit to start a combo or bait the opponent into range.
Example: "This is an intense footsies game!"
Juggles
Juggles refers to a kind of combo that involves knocking an opponent into the air, and then keeping them airborne with a combo. Juggles mean that a player can build up damage rapidly without fear of retalliation, although, as with many combos, timing is nesseccary. Tekken is built primarily around juggles, and this carries over into Street Fighter X Tekken.
Example: "Steve Fox is just built around juggles, it's crazy, man."
Mix-Up
A Mix-Up is a technique that involves making attacks difficult to predict. This usually involves a mix of standing and crouching attacks in random order, as these attacks require different actions from the opponent to be blocked. A good Mix-Up game would be one that requires split-second timing to block.
Example: "Lei Wulong has so many Mix-Ups! Argh, how do I block them all?!"
OTG
OTG is an abbreviation of Off-The-Ground. In Marvel vs. Capcom, the term refers to attacks that can hit an opponent lying on the ground, bouncing them up and leaving them vulnerable for another attack. These are useful for extending combos.
Example: "OTG! BIONIC! AAAAAAAARM!"
Overhead
An Overhead is in an attack that can only be blocked standing, and not while crouching. Overheads are a good countermeasure against players who are playing defensively. As many jumping attacks count as Overheads, this term usually refers to ground attacks in this vein.
Example: "Ryu's Collarbone Breaker is a good Overhead."
Poke
Pokes are quick attacks performed at the maximum range the attack will allow. This is often used to create distance between the players, or to get some damage in from a safe distance.
Example: "Nice use of pokes by Justin there."
Punish
Punishing involves immediately attacking an opponent after blocking their attack, often when the opponent has whiffed an attack or is recovering from an attack. This strategy is quite viable after blocking a move that is not considered safe.
Example: "King's Reverse Arm Slam is useful for punishing."
Recovery
Recovery is a term that refers to the time taken for a character to return to a standing state from performing an action, usually after blocking an attack, being hit or while getting up from the ground. The shorter the recovery time, the better.
Example: "Paul's Megaton Knuckle has terrible recovery."
Reversal
Reversals are special moves performed during a recovery state. In some games, Reversals grant a small window of invincibility, making them ideal for turning the tide if a player was knocked down and an opponent is attemtping to attack.
Example: "Ken's Dragon Punch makes for a vicious reversal."
Safe
An attack that is "safe" is one that does not leave the player open if it is blocked, giving the player time to recover and block any incoming attacks. Attacks that are "not safe" are those that carry the risk of putting the player in a situation where they can be punished if the attack is blocked.
Example: "Iron Man's Level 3 Hyper is not safe, as it puts him too close to the opponent."
Sweep
Sweeps are attacks that trip the opponent up. Sweeps are often a quick, easy way of knocking an opponent over, although they may not have much use on their own.
Example: "Every character in Mortal Kombat has a sweep. It's like a law or something."
Rushdown and Zoning
Rushdown is a strategy that involves being extremely agressive, getting as close to the opponent as possible and using a variety of mix-ups and other techniques to pressurise an opponent. Characters have have lots of fast moves are good for rushdown. On the opposite end is Zoning, which involves keeping a certain distancer away from the opponent and punishing their attempts to come close. Characters that use projectiles are ideal for Zoning.
Example: "Deadpool is good for Rushdown, but he also has options for Zoning as well."
Whiff
Whiffing describes instances when an attack completely misses the opponent. In most cases, whiffing is undesirable, as it spoils combo opportunities and leaves the player open, giving time for the opponent to recover. However, whiffing does have a use in some instances - it can be used to bait an opponent into leaving themselves open.
Example: "Damn it, Tom, Stop whiffing that Light Punch!"
Keep in mind that not all fighting games are the same - while the basic terminology here may still apply, each game has it's own little book of terms that might not apply to other games.
I may update this list with more terms as time goes on, and perhaps throw in some exclusive to Street Fighter X Tekken for the lolz. Until then, enjoy!
Friday, 30 December 2011
CHRISTMAS =D + God of War: Chains of Olympus Review
So I got a pretty good Christmas haul this year. Of course, there was all the usual stuff, like chocolate and shampoo and a new dressing gown, but you don't notice those much because yoy get them all the time. At least, I do. The one present I shall mention is one I was waiting since my birthday to acquire - a 3DS.
It's Metallic Red, and from the moment I picked it up I haven't been able to put it down. From surfing the internet late at night to messing around with the AR Cards, from downloading Pokedex 3D to killing Ghoma in under half a minute on Zelda, it's provided me with enough entertainemtn to shut me up for hours. So much so that I went into town after Boxing Day and blew all my money on Mario Kart 7 and Nintendogs, both of which I am still enjoying immensely. I dread facing 150cc Grand Prix, though, especially since this isn't Double Dash and I haven't got my brother to be the only competent driver between us.
I have played some Mario Kart online, and am looking for people to challenge on Super Street Fighter IV. If you want to find me and beat the everloving snot out of me with Blue Shells or Hadoukens, add my friend code to your own 3DS. Here it is:
3093-7547-3292
After New Years, I plan to continue with my Harvest Moon LP, so have no fears - it's not dead yet. The main problem is that there's a lot of days on the calendar where nothing of worth hapens, so I'll have to slog through those to give you any updates. Which gives me an idea for the horror plot I want to work in... *evil grin*
Until then, here's a review of another game I got recently - God of War: Chains of Olympus for the PSP.
I assume most of you already know about the God of War franchise, but for those who don't, I'll sum it up in brief - a grumpy, hate-ridden Spartan with family issues kills Greek myths with chain-swords. Chains of Olympus serves as a prequel to the first God of War game, taking place during the ten years Kratos (our human blender of a protagonist) spent in the service of the Gods of Olympus - the man hasn't yet grown his murderous hatred of Zeus in time for GoW3.
As I mentioned in my Kingdom Hearts rant, I like a game that doesn't hold my hand for too long before letting me get into the meaty adventure bits, which is why I love fighting games so much. Chains of Olympus throws you right into the middle of a Persian attack on the costal city of Attica, the enemy bringing along a Basilisk with them due to the fact Godzilla hadn't been born just yet. After you slay the beast and save Attica, Helios, the God of the Sun, suddenly gets yanked off his chariot, leaving his frankly idiotic horses to crash the sun right into the earth. It soon conspires that someone's let the titan Atlas out of the underworld, and it's up to Kratos to kick him back into line and save Helios.
As an action-adventure hack-and-slash game, Chains of Olympus follows the conventions set by the previous games - you have two attack buttons, light and heavy, and pressing them in various combinations deals chain-blade death to everything standing in front of you. You also get access to a grab attack which instantly kills weaker enemies, a launcher/air combo system that puts one in mind of Marvel vs. Capcom, and a dodge ability that you will use quite a lot, considering that you'll be dealing with cyclopes and other mythical monsters who want to eat you. Combat is nice and visceral, with blood flying with every strike, and you'll soon fall into a rythm of attacking and dodging that works quite well.
But just because you'll be doing a lot of killing, killing isn't all that this game is about. Occasionaly, you'll run into puzzles that actually require a lot of thought and exploration to get right. Although they don't transcend the use of the action button to push or pull blocks or turn cranks, they make a nice change from the hacking and slashing that makes up most of the game's action. One early puzzle is deceptively clever - you place a block onto a pressure switch to keep the gate open, only to find another switch on the other side that requires you to place a dead corpse (that the local Basilisk handily dropped earlier) on it to open another gate. It actually took me a while to figure this out, and it shows that the game isn't totally patronizing it's audience.
Killing enemies and opening certain chests rewards you with red orbs, and special bonuses of these are awarded for racking up big combos. You use these orbs to upgrade Kratos' weapons, unlocking new moves that increase the variety of bladed death you bring upon your foes. You'll also earn new items at certain points in the game that also grant new attacks - the Temple of Helios level grants you a shield that can be used to parry enemy attacks, and can be upgraded to allow Kratos to reflect projectiles. Be warned, though - you're going to need a lot of red orbs, as upgrading every weapon you have will be a costly excercise, but well worth it.
Beating the single-player story game unlocks the Challenge Mode, which works pretty much like every Challenge Mode ever - you are set a task of some sort that you must complete with a minimum of frustration and annoyance. While not the most engaging part of the game, Challenge Mode is a nice distraction, and gives you enough Kratos goodness until you want to replay the story mode on a harder difficulty. In which case, good luck to you - this game is challenging, even on Normal.
The Good Bits
What's not to like about this game, in all honesty? The combat flows well, and there is some actual strategy to it - you actuall have to think about when to dodge a Minotaur sword or parry a Gorgon tail. The puzzles are really well designed, too, even if they don't get past block pushing and crank turning, and it's nice to see Quick-Time Events being used properly - jamming a sword into a cyclops' eye is a hell of a lot more satisfying when you feel like you've earned it. The graphics, for what the PSP can pull off, are also pretty nice too - blood flows, smoke billows and torches cast light over everything. Finally, Isle of Creation may be, in my opinion, the best bit of music to play in the middle of a fight scene. Just sayin'.
The Bad Bits
Not many here, but thought I'd mention them. The collectables that increase your health and magic bar are very well tucked away, so you have to explore a lot if you want to find them - the fixed camera doesn't help in that department. Often, it's not really obvious where you're meant to go, resulting in a lot of Guide Dang It moments, and the amount of red orbs you have to collect to uprgade everything is ridiculous. Also, how the hell was I to know I was meant to lose that boss fight with Charon? :argh:
Scores
Graphics: 4/5 (Keep in mind this is the PSP here.)
Gameplay: 5/5
Sound: 4/5
Replayability: 4/5
Final Verdict
It's everything you'd expect from a God of War title, and loads of mindless fun. It's a bit on the short side - at the time of writing, I'm already in the Underworld level - but if hacking things apart is all you want, then I couldn't reccomend anything else. Also, did I mention the obligatory sex minigame is back?
Happy New Year to all of you! :)
It's Metallic Red, and from the moment I picked it up I haven't been able to put it down. From surfing the internet late at night to messing around with the AR Cards, from downloading Pokedex 3D to killing Ghoma in under half a minute on Zelda, it's provided me with enough entertainemtn to shut me up for hours. So much so that I went into town after Boxing Day and blew all my money on Mario Kart 7 and Nintendogs, both of which I am still enjoying immensely. I dread facing 150cc Grand Prix, though, especially since this isn't Double Dash and I haven't got my brother to be the only competent driver between us.
I have played some Mario Kart online, and am looking for people to challenge on Super Street Fighter IV. If you want to find me and beat the everloving snot out of me with Blue Shells or Hadoukens, add my friend code to your own 3DS. Here it is:
3093-7547-3292
After New Years, I plan to continue with my Harvest Moon LP, so have no fears - it's not dead yet. The main problem is that there's a lot of days on the calendar where nothing of worth hapens, so I'll have to slog through those to give you any updates. Which gives me an idea for the horror plot I want to work in... *evil grin*
Until then, here's a review of another game I got recently - God of War: Chains of Olympus for the PSP.
 |
| "Hey, it doesn't hurt my eyes after a- AAAGH MY EYES!" |
As I mentioned in my Kingdom Hearts rant, I like a game that doesn't hold my hand for too long before letting me get into the meaty adventure bits, which is why I love fighting games so much. Chains of Olympus throws you right into the middle of a Persian attack on the costal city of Attica, the enemy bringing along a Basilisk with them due to the fact Godzilla hadn't been born just yet. After you slay the beast and save Attica, Helios, the God of the Sun, suddenly gets yanked off his chariot, leaving his frankly idiotic horses to crash the sun right into the earth. It soon conspires that someone's let the titan Atlas out of the underworld, and it's up to Kratos to kick him back into line and save Helios.
As an action-adventure hack-and-slash game, Chains of Olympus follows the conventions set by the previous games - you have two attack buttons, light and heavy, and pressing them in various combinations deals chain-blade death to everything standing in front of you. You also get access to a grab attack which instantly kills weaker enemies, a launcher/air combo system that puts one in mind of Marvel vs. Capcom, and a dodge ability that you will use quite a lot, considering that you'll be dealing with cyclopes and other mythical monsters who want to eat you. Combat is nice and visceral, with blood flying with every strike, and you'll soon fall into a rythm of attacking and dodging that works quite well.
But just because you'll be doing a lot of killing, killing isn't all that this game is about. Occasionaly, you'll run into puzzles that actually require a lot of thought and exploration to get right. Although they don't transcend the use of the action button to push or pull blocks or turn cranks, they make a nice change from the hacking and slashing that makes up most of the game's action. One early puzzle is deceptively clever - you place a block onto a pressure switch to keep the gate open, only to find another switch on the other side that requires you to place a dead corpse (that the local Basilisk handily dropped earlier) on it to open another gate. It actually took me a while to figure this out, and it shows that the game isn't totally patronizing it's audience.
Killing enemies and opening certain chests rewards you with red orbs, and special bonuses of these are awarded for racking up big combos. You use these orbs to upgrade Kratos' weapons, unlocking new moves that increase the variety of bladed death you bring upon your foes. You'll also earn new items at certain points in the game that also grant new attacks - the Temple of Helios level grants you a shield that can be used to parry enemy attacks, and can be upgraded to allow Kratos to reflect projectiles. Be warned, though - you're going to need a lot of red orbs, as upgrading every weapon you have will be a costly excercise, but well worth it.
Beating the single-player story game unlocks the Challenge Mode, which works pretty much like every Challenge Mode ever - you are set a task of some sort that you must complete with a minimum of frustration and annoyance. While not the most engaging part of the game, Challenge Mode is a nice distraction, and gives you enough Kratos goodness until you want to replay the story mode on a harder difficulty. In which case, good luck to you - this game is challenging, even on Normal.
The Good Bits
What's not to like about this game, in all honesty? The combat flows well, and there is some actual strategy to it - you actuall have to think about when to dodge a Minotaur sword or parry a Gorgon tail. The puzzles are really well designed, too, even if they don't get past block pushing and crank turning, and it's nice to see Quick-Time Events being used properly - jamming a sword into a cyclops' eye is a hell of a lot more satisfying when you feel like you've earned it. The graphics, for what the PSP can pull off, are also pretty nice too - blood flows, smoke billows and torches cast light over everything. Finally, Isle of Creation may be, in my opinion, the best bit of music to play in the middle of a fight scene. Just sayin'.
The Bad Bits
Not many here, but thought I'd mention them. The collectables that increase your health and magic bar are very well tucked away, so you have to explore a lot if you want to find them - the fixed camera doesn't help in that department. Often, it's not really obvious where you're meant to go, resulting in a lot of Guide Dang It moments, and the amount of red orbs you have to collect to uprgade everything is ridiculous. Also, how the hell was I to know I was meant to lose that boss fight with Charon? :argh:
Scores
Graphics: 4/5 (Keep in mind this is the PSP here.)
Gameplay: 5/5
Sound: 4/5
Replayability: 4/5
Final Verdict
It's everything you'd expect from a God of War title, and loads of mindless fun. It's a bit on the short side - at the time of writing, I'm already in the Underworld level - but if hacking things apart is all you want, then I couldn't reccomend anything else. Also, did I mention the obligatory sex minigame is back?
Happy New Year to all of you! :)
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Kingdom Hearts: Boredom By Stodgy
I don't understand why people like Final Fantasy.
Seriously, I honestly don't. I can understand that it might have been good at some point in time, but I care so little about the state of the franchise as it is now that I couldn't honestly care if it was good at any point in time. Call me a jaded, instant-gratification scrub if you will, but I don't see the appeal in games that are 15% gameplay and 90% boring spectacle - surelyb the whole point of a game is to be played, not watched. That's why I usually steer clear from JRPG's in general - to me, they're all full of the same blocks of grind and exposition that I don't find appealing.
At one point in time, however, the planets aligned and I tried to play Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep.
I tried to like it. I really did. But it wasn't long before I discovered that the game didn't like me very much, and I had to just put it down before my body absorbed my gentials. On a related note, I also don't understand why people like Kingdom Hearts. How crossing something I don't like (i.e., Final Fantasy) with my own childhood (i.e., Disney) suddenly equals loads of money is beyond me. But Kingdom Hearts shares quite a lot of similarities with Final Fantasy, so by playing a game that is only remotely similar to the product I have the true beef with, I can finally pin down what it is that turns me off Final Fantasy, and indeed, most JRPG's in general. (Dragon Quest doesn't count, for reasons I'll elaborate on later)
So here's a list of things I noticed while playing Birth by Sleep that could pretty much apply to Final Fantasy as well.
1. Cut Down On Cutscenes
Movies can be good. Yes, Square-Enix, I'm glad we've finally found some common ground. But there is one big difference between movies and games, and that is that you expect to do something in games. When I buy a game, I expect to jump right in and start playing it. I do not want to be pre-empted by approximately twenty minutes of cutscene, pre-rendered or otherwise, that forces me to sit and listen to a bunch of people I care nothing about talk about things I could care even less about. As a person who plays Zelda games, this might seem wierd coming from me, but at least Zelda doesn't have pre-rended FMV's up the backside.
Allow me to expand. Birth by Sleep starts with a pre-rendered AMV intro with a song by some Japanese band I don't even know and expect never to encounter ever again. Then there is another custcene ivolving some shadowy figure on a desert island, another featuring Mickey Mouse surfing on a book (which is admittedly awesome), and ANOTHER where Ventus (the character I picked only because he kind of looks like me if I went on a starvation diet and dyed my hair blonde) looks out of his window to see shooting stars- Whoops, too late, I've already put the PSP down and gone to make a hot chocolate.
See, there came a point where quite a lot of developers in Square-Enix suddenly forgot that they were making video games, and decided they were trying to make movies instead. Unfortunately, this means that most of the time every significant action you perform in this game is bookended by lengthy videos where you sit and listen to the characters exposite until your ears turn black and drop off. No-one should expect to go into a game to sit still and watch things happen - that's what movies are for. Games, despite what some eccentric people may tell you, are not movies. Games are interactive, meaning you pick up a controller and do things with them. Trying to make a game more like a movie just results in bad design choices, like the aformentioned cutscene binge, or bad camera controls.
Sadly, it's a trend that's cropping up a lot in video games, and consequently there are few games that don't make you wait until allowing you to do what the game is supposed to let you do - i.e., play it. The Zelda games have this problem, but at least you get to press a button to make the text zoom by as if you were on speed, and Dragon Quest IX (one of the few JRPG's I actually like, shock and horror) pretty much throws you in aside from a few bits of dialogue and exposition. Birth by Sleep straps you to a chair and forces you to watch it recite its latest theatrical masterpiece - which is both unneccesary, seeing as I would gladly sit down and watch if it asked kindly, and boring, because it drones on for ages in monotone until I fall asleep in the chair.
Which brings me neatly to...
2. Show Some Emotion, People
Birth by Sleep lets you pick one of three characters to play as, and by playing all of them you can at least attempt to untangle the snarled mess that is the game's story. The characters you pick are Ventus the aformentioned blonde dude, Terra the tall man with a skirt and Aqua, the only girl in the room. Already it sounds as if I'm talking about a strange Japanese webcomic, like Kontorōru-Aruto-Dereto or something. Anyway, the manual tells us that Ventus is outgoing and inquisitve, Terra is disciplined and quiet and Aqua is kind and righteous.
And that's it. That's all they've got.
Now, I'm not a proffessional writer, but I'm pretty sure that there has to be something wrong with a game where your characters have one, and only one, personality trait. See, whenever you play a video game that involves you controlling a character of some sort (i.e., all of them nowadays), then you want to be able to relate to them, to sympathise with them as you take them on their journey through the magical land to save the world or whatever. Already on the second hurdle and Birth by Sleep has tripped over again - how do I relate to someone who has all the personality of a cardboard cutout?
It seems to me that JRPG's are nowadays populated by the same shallow stock characters you can find in any Shonen manga, all completely unlikable for the wrong reasons - they may be too cheerful and grate on your nerves, they may whinge about something or someone that went wrong, or they may be smug gits who have their brains where their crotches are. It's like they were all made with a biscuit cutter - swap Cloud Strife for Squall Leonhart and I bet you the average joe wouldn't notice the difference, not that there was one in the first place. And it makes playing the games much more difficult for me - telling us we have to control this guy is all well and good, but what's the point if we can sympathise with the hero's problems?
Okay, maybe I'm being a bit racist here - unintentionally, I hasten to ad. Western games, too, often lumber us with protagonists who suffer from a compelete lack of emotion. Take Kratos from God of War - his answer to everything is to ram a blade into it's face, and the whole dead family and retribution against the gods thing rings a bit insincere when you consider he cuts apart minotaurs for a living. But at least the Ghost of Sparta doesn't have terrible dubbed dialogue or a bad haircut to go with it. Listening to half the drivel spouted by the characters in Birth by Sleep makes me thankful for games with a silent protagonist like in Pokémon, where I can at least pretend my avatar character is singing "On the Open Road" from The Wind in the Willows as he trots down a route with his Cyndaquil.
And it's these characters who are driving the story, not me. This ought to go in a separate topic, really, but they're so closely linked it bears a special mentioning here. The whole time I was playing the game, I felt like I was contributing nothing to the story, merely wheeling Ventus and his stupid hair from one boring dialogue to another. He was the one doing all the work, while I was simply sitting at the back of his mind tugging on nerve endings to try and get him to earn a few IQ points. This is why everyone picks the created characters on Soul Calibur - smashing Algol's face in feels so much better when it's your glorified self-insert character doing it, and not some girl in a miniskirt.
Speaking of gameplay...
3. Make Your Minds Up!
Seriously. One the one hand, Birth by Sleep had the most repetitive combat mechanics I had ever come across. On the other hand, it had more confusing and unnessecary features than anything Billy Mays tried to sell, and considering that he once pitched a multi-purpose kitchen tool with interchangeable blades, that's saying something.
When you do finally get to shred some blue demon face, there's only one button you need to press - X. Keep pressing that until the enemy dies. That's it. Oh, sure, sometimes you have to jump before you press X to hit an airborne enemy, and you can press triangle to cast a spell before you get back to pressing X, but other than that there's no real variation to basic combat. Every once in a while, the Attack prompt changes into a finishing attack, which you pull off by... pressing X.
See where I'm going with this? Relying on just one button to pull off an attack is all well and good, but it gets boring and monotonous after a while, and you start to feel as if you're not putting any effort into it - Darksiders has this problem, too. Fighting games have all those buttons for a reason - each one corresponds to a different type of attack, and that adds a bit of life and variety to the game. No-one wants to play a fighting game with only one attack button - your attack options are limited and it gets dull and repetetive very quickly. And that finish command that suddenly pops up every now and then simply breaks the flow of combat like an axe to a glass window, doing the complete opposite of what itss supposed to be doing in the first place.
But on the other end of the spectrum are mechanics that are look as though someone on the game design team said "Fuck it, we have to put something in there, if only to compensate for our bare-bones combo system". Shotlock Commands, which let you target and attack multiple enemies vat once, sound fine on paper, but the fact you have to manually target every enemy defeats the whole point of trying to attack multiple enemies in the first place - it breaks that flow of combat you were working on, and you have to wrestle with the control nub just to keep up with the swiftly-moving enemies. And you're standing stock still while you're doing this, so in trying to attack the mob in front, you leave your character's backside vulnerable to a swift kicking from the back.
Then there's the Action Commands, a menu-driven spell-casting system which can be customised by swapping out abilities with ones you collect from opening chests and whatnot. That's all I understand of it, really, because in order to find the best combination of spells for every situation possible you need a strategy guide across your lap, and the only thing I like on my lap is a tray with some pizza. Meanwhile, Dimension Links, as far as I know, are one of those things that you save for boss fights in a textbook case of what Yahtzee Croshaw calls "But I Might Need it Later Syndrome", and the Fever Pitch mode only really works if you're going up against the Ten Thousand Demons of Demon Mountain, as Jack Black would say.
The mechanics I have the most beef with are the Fever Pitch and the Finishing Moves. They are an example of what I like to call "Wild Mechanics" - a gameplay mechanic influenced by a random number generator to some degree. The big, raging issue I have with these is that they are to strategy what a slegehammer is to a wall made of breadsticks - a game becomes less about skill and more about luck as you hammer away at foes, desperately hoping that the enemy you kill now, and not the last one in the room, will grant you the random power-up you need to take on the real beefy lad over there. If the mechanics employed some kind of meter that was filled over the course of a battle, I wouldn't gripe, because at least there is some indication that you're working towards the awesome energy attack you need. Fever Pitch comes when you least expect it, and that's often a bad thing.
Birth by Sleep couldn't seem to make up it's mind if it wanted the combat to be nice and simple or deep and flashy, and in trying to do both it gave me a bulky, top-heavy mess. I don't know if Final Fantasy suffers from a similar problem, but the game designers at Square-Enix need to pull themselves together, because half of the stuff the game gave me would probably never be used in the average combat situation. I'm not a man to advocate ripping off the other games, but Birth by Sleep could have taken a tip from God of War - less menu-driven commands, more variety with basic attacks, have the spells and blade-swinging merge seamlessly. Or at least have puzzles that involve using the spells, like that bit in Ocarina of Time where you used Din's Fire to light all the torches in one go.
4. The Fans
My opinion of Kingdom Hearts, and indeed Final Fantasy in general, was heavily coloured towards the negative before I even picked the game up. This was because I encountered most of the setting and characters via that wonderful medium called Fan Fiction, which, as moves go, is as smart as dipping your head into a bucket containing an angry tarantula. I emerged from that bucket with a sorely bitten face, the only thing learned was that Kingdom Hearts has some of the creepiest fans ever. Not even the ones that bray Portal memes can compare.
The impression I got from reading half the content on the sites I visited was that the fandom is as clueless about the setting and characters as I am, because they delight in taking huge liberties with the world that Square-Enix has built. When the cast of spiky-haired, androgynous teens isn't trapped in an alternate high school where Goofy is the dorky but likeable history teacher ("William the Conqueror was a bad man, a-hyuck!"), they're boning each other at the slightest provocation, and believe me whan I say that's only the male half of the cast, because according to the fandom heterosexual relationships are second only to baby-eating in the list of cardinal sins.
That, or they're trying to pair Sora off with the Disney princessesAAAAAAAAaaAA sanjgbmje rkjthjrtlhjh kgkgkglglglglglglglglhj
Okay... okay, I'm calm. I can do this.
Now, I know that it's not really a good idea to judge a game soley on it's fanbase - really, I tend to ignore the fanbase of anything in general, because it will almost always turn out horrible somehow. But if Portal's fans are mindless parrots that squawk out dead memes the moment someone mentions cake, then Kingdom Hearts fans are parasitic nematode worms that feed off the sludge at the bottom of the interweb and do nothing apart from stink up the place. I suspect that many of them also like to think that Twilight is a masterpiece and Justin Bieber has the voice of an angel. When a game like that attracts fans of that sort, you know something is fundamentally wrong.
This will sound really redundant, considering that most fandoms have the same problem, but when your first encounter with a series is from shamefully explicit erotica, then it's probably a good idea to steer away from the series until you manage to form a better opinion though exposure to more tasteful and appropriate material. Sadly, I was young and naive, and my expectations were already poor, so when I got my mitts on Birth by Sleep I wasn't too surprised to find that I didn't really like it. But then again, that's the price I pay for being an impressionable nerd.
I guess this isn't really Square-Enix's fault - there was no way that they could predict what the creepy fangirls would do. So I've no real reason to blame the series for this, but I guess it deserves a mention here for helping to build by poor view of the company's franchises as a whole.
And finally, the coupe de grace...
5. Demon Trees
The following is an actual account of something that actually happened in the game, and needs no explanation as to why it sucked a polar bear's funky ass.
So I get to the bit in Birth by Sleep where Snow White is, and I'm expected to help her get to the Dwarve's cottage, thereby kicking off the movie's plot with the least amount of time paradoxes or something. Unfortunately, almost everything in the forest suddenly decides it wants to slightly menace our poor princess, and a host of blue demons rise up to bother her. This includes - and I wish I was kidding here - the demon trees that appeared in the movie. You know, the ones that were meant to be hallucinations that reflected the terror and fear that Snow White was expereincing? Yep, they decided to go all Evil Dead on our protagonist. "Subtlety? What's that?" crow Square-Enix as they wipe their greasy jowls with a Cloud Strife flannel.
So off went Ventus, hacking apart demons and keeping the princess safe for completely platonic and good-natured hero reasons, so close the word document at once. Unfortunately, whenever a demon tree came too close to Snow White, the camera focused soley on its grinning, wooden visage while the gamera grew all blurry, as if Ventus was on some bad acid, and our spiky-haired hero had to run over and bludgeon the crap out of them with his giant key to get them away. It didn't help that there was a boatload of blue demons running about trying to get a piece of that action, nor did it help that Snow White had the constitution of a pigeon with acrophobia.
Eventually, Snow White gave up and sank to her knees, weeping, despite Ventus' best efforts to keep her safe. And the game then had the gall to make me attempt this pathetic excuse for an escort mission again.
THERE IS NO MIDDLE FINGER IN THE WORLD BIG ENOUGH!!!
So there you have it. An itemized list of why I don't like Kingdom Hearts, and by extension, Final Fantasy. I take back nothing I said during this rant, because it was all true, and if disliking this sort of a game makes me stupid, then call me Retard McShitforbrains, but I'd rather be stupid and having fun then intelligent and bored. Now, if you excuse me, I have to play some Tekken before my stomach crawls out of my throat.
Seriously, I honestly don't. I can understand that it might have been good at some point in time, but I care so little about the state of the franchise as it is now that I couldn't honestly care if it was good at any point in time. Call me a jaded, instant-gratification scrub if you will, but I don't see the appeal in games that are 15% gameplay and 90% boring spectacle - surelyb the whole point of a game is to be played, not watched. That's why I usually steer clear from JRPG's in general - to me, they're all full of the same blocks of grind and exposition that I don't find appealing.
At one point in time, however, the planets aligned and I tried to play Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep.
 |
| FUCK YOU, DEMON TREES, AAARGH! |
So here's a list of things I noticed while playing Birth by Sleep that could pretty much apply to Final Fantasy as well.
1. Cut Down On Cutscenes
Movies can be good. Yes, Square-Enix, I'm glad we've finally found some common ground. But there is one big difference between movies and games, and that is that you expect to do something in games. When I buy a game, I expect to jump right in and start playing it. I do not want to be pre-empted by approximately twenty minutes of cutscene, pre-rendered or otherwise, that forces me to sit and listen to a bunch of people I care nothing about talk about things I could care even less about. As a person who plays Zelda games, this might seem wierd coming from me, but at least Zelda doesn't have pre-rended FMV's up the backside.
Allow me to expand. Birth by Sleep starts with a pre-rendered AMV intro with a song by some Japanese band I don't even know and expect never to encounter ever again. Then there is another custcene ivolving some shadowy figure on a desert island, another featuring Mickey Mouse surfing on a book (which is admittedly awesome), and ANOTHER where Ventus (the character I picked only because he kind of looks like me if I went on a starvation diet and dyed my hair blonde) looks out of his window to see shooting stars- Whoops, too late, I've already put the PSP down and gone to make a hot chocolate.
 |
| At least mugs don't whine about their purpose in life. |
Sadly, it's a trend that's cropping up a lot in video games, and consequently there are few games that don't make you wait until allowing you to do what the game is supposed to let you do - i.e., play it. The Zelda games have this problem, but at least you get to press a button to make the text zoom by as if you were on speed, and Dragon Quest IX (one of the few JRPG's I actually like, shock and horror) pretty much throws you in aside from a few bits of dialogue and exposition. Birth by Sleep straps you to a chair and forces you to watch it recite its latest theatrical masterpiece - which is both unneccesary, seeing as I would gladly sit down and watch if it asked kindly, and boring, because it drones on for ages in monotone until I fall asleep in the chair.
Which brings me neatly to...
2. Show Some Emotion, People
Birth by Sleep lets you pick one of three characters to play as, and by playing all of them you can at least attempt to untangle the snarled mess that is the game's story. The characters you pick are Ventus the aformentioned blonde dude, Terra the tall man with a skirt and Aqua, the only girl in the room. Already it sounds as if I'm talking about a strange Japanese webcomic, like Kontorōru-Aruto-Dereto or something. Anyway, the manual tells us that Ventus is outgoing and inquisitve, Terra is disciplined and quiet and Aqua is kind and righteous.
And that's it. That's all they've got.
Now, I'm not a proffessional writer, but I'm pretty sure that there has to be something wrong with a game where your characters have one, and only one, personality trait. See, whenever you play a video game that involves you controlling a character of some sort (i.e., all of them nowadays), then you want to be able to relate to them, to sympathise with them as you take them on their journey through the magical land to save the world or whatever. Already on the second hurdle and Birth by Sleep has tripped over again - how do I relate to someone who has all the personality of a cardboard cutout?
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| Even a Jack Sparrow cutout has more character. |
Okay, maybe I'm being a bit racist here - unintentionally, I hasten to ad. Western games, too, often lumber us with protagonists who suffer from a compelete lack of emotion. Take Kratos from God of War - his answer to everything is to ram a blade into it's face, and the whole dead family and retribution against the gods thing rings a bit insincere when you consider he cuts apart minotaurs for a living. But at least the Ghost of Sparta doesn't have terrible dubbed dialogue or a bad haircut to go with it. Listening to half the drivel spouted by the characters in Birth by Sleep makes me thankful for games with a silent protagonist like in Pokémon, where I can at least pretend my avatar character is singing "On the Open Road" from The Wind in the Willows as he trots down a route with his Cyndaquil.
And it's these characters who are driving the story, not me. This ought to go in a separate topic, really, but they're so closely linked it bears a special mentioning here. The whole time I was playing the game, I felt like I was contributing nothing to the story, merely wheeling Ventus and his stupid hair from one boring dialogue to another. He was the one doing all the work, while I was simply sitting at the back of his mind tugging on nerve endings to try and get him to earn a few IQ points. This is why everyone picks the created characters on Soul Calibur - smashing Algol's face in feels so much better when it's your glorified self-insert character doing it, and not some girl in a miniskirt.
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| Or your terrible recreation of a bonus character who hasn't been seen in ages. |
3. Make Your Minds Up!
Seriously. One the one hand, Birth by Sleep had the most repetitive combat mechanics I had ever come across. On the other hand, it had more confusing and unnessecary features than anything Billy Mays tried to sell, and considering that he once pitched a multi-purpose kitchen tool with interchangeable blades, that's saying something.
When you do finally get to shred some blue demon face, there's only one button you need to press - X. Keep pressing that until the enemy dies. That's it. Oh, sure, sometimes you have to jump before you press X to hit an airborne enemy, and you can press triangle to cast a spell before you get back to pressing X, but other than that there's no real variation to basic combat. Every once in a while, the Attack prompt changes into a finishing attack, which you pull off by... pressing X.
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| Where's my banana, you spiky-haired jerk? |
But on the other end of the spectrum are mechanics that are look as though someone on the game design team said "Fuck it, we have to put something in there, if only to compensate for our bare-bones combo system". Shotlock Commands, which let you target and attack multiple enemies vat once, sound fine on paper, but the fact you have to manually target every enemy defeats the whole point of trying to attack multiple enemies in the first place - it breaks that flow of combat you were working on, and you have to wrestle with the control nub just to keep up with the swiftly-moving enemies. And you're standing stock still while you're doing this, so in trying to attack the mob in front, you leave your character's backside vulnerable to a swift kicking from the back.
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| Yeah, you wish it was a velociraptor doing the backside-kicking. |
The mechanics I have the most beef with are the Fever Pitch and the Finishing Moves. They are an example of what I like to call "Wild Mechanics" - a gameplay mechanic influenced by a random number generator to some degree. The big, raging issue I have with these is that they are to strategy what a slegehammer is to a wall made of breadsticks - a game becomes less about skill and more about luck as you hammer away at foes, desperately hoping that the enemy you kill now, and not the last one in the room, will grant you the random power-up you need to take on the real beefy lad over there. If the mechanics employed some kind of meter that was filled over the course of a battle, I wouldn't gripe, because at least there is some indication that you're working towards the awesome energy attack you need. Fever Pitch comes when you least expect it, and that's often a bad thing.
Birth by Sleep couldn't seem to make up it's mind if it wanted the combat to be nice and simple or deep and flashy, and in trying to do both it gave me a bulky, top-heavy mess. I don't know if Final Fantasy suffers from a similar problem, but the game designers at Square-Enix need to pull themselves together, because half of the stuff the game gave me would probably never be used in the average combat situation. I'm not a man to advocate ripping off the other games, but Birth by Sleep could have taken a tip from God of War - less menu-driven commands, more variety with basic attacks, have the spells and blade-swinging merge seamlessly. Or at least have puzzles that involve using the spells, like that bit in Ocarina of Time where you used Din's Fire to light all the torches in one go.
4. The Fans
My opinion of Kingdom Hearts, and indeed Final Fantasy in general, was heavily coloured towards the negative before I even picked the game up. This was because I encountered most of the setting and characters via that wonderful medium called Fan Fiction, which, as moves go, is as smart as dipping your head into a bucket containing an angry tarantula. I emerged from that bucket with a sorely bitten face, the only thing learned was that Kingdom Hearts has some of the creepiest fans ever. Not even the ones that bray Portal memes can compare.
The impression I got from reading half the content on the sites I visited was that the fandom is as clueless about the setting and characters as I am, because they delight in taking huge liberties with the world that Square-Enix has built. When the cast of spiky-haired, androgynous teens isn't trapped in an alternate high school where Goofy is the dorky but likeable history teacher ("William the Conqueror was a bad man, a-hyuck!"), they're boning each other at the slightest provocation, and believe me whan I say that's only the male half of the cast, because according to the fandom heterosexual relationships are second only to baby-eating in the list of cardinal sins.
That, or they're trying to pair Sora off with the Disney princessesAAAAAAAAaaAA sanjgbmje rkjthjrtlhjh kgkgkglglglglglglglglhj
Now, I know that it's not really a good idea to judge a game soley on it's fanbase - really, I tend to ignore the fanbase of anything in general, because it will almost always turn out horrible somehow. But if Portal's fans are mindless parrots that squawk out dead memes the moment someone mentions cake, then Kingdom Hearts fans are parasitic nematode worms that feed off the sludge at the bottom of the interweb and do nothing apart from stink up the place. I suspect that many of them also like to think that Twilight is a masterpiece and Justin Bieber has the voice of an angel. When a game like that attracts fans of that sort, you know something is fundamentally wrong.
This will sound really redundant, considering that most fandoms have the same problem, but when your first encounter with a series is from shamefully explicit erotica, then it's probably a good idea to steer away from the series until you manage to form a better opinion though exposure to more tasteful and appropriate material. Sadly, I was young and naive, and my expectations were already poor, so when I got my mitts on Birth by Sleep I wasn't too surprised to find that I didn't really like it. But then again, that's the price I pay for being an impressionable nerd.
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| About £40, to be precise. |
And finally, the coupe de grace...
5. Demon Trees
The following is an actual account of something that actually happened in the game, and needs no explanation as to why it sucked a polar bear's funky ass.
So I get to the bit in Birth by Sleep where Snow White is, and I'm expected to help her get to the Dwarve's cottage, thereby kicking off the movie's plot with the least amount of time paradoxes or something. Unfortunately, almost everything in the forest suddenly decides it wants to slightly menace our poor princess, and a host of blue demons rise up to bother her. This includes - and I wish I was kidding here - the demon trees that appeared in the movie. You know, the ones that were meant to be hallucinations that reflected the terror and fear that Snow White was expereincing? Yep, they decided to go all Evil Dead on our protagonist. "Subtlety? What's that?" crow Square-Enix as they wipe their greasy jowls with a Cloud Strife flannel.
So off went Ventus, hacking apart demons and keeping the princess safe for completely platonic and good-natured hero reasons, so close the word document at once. Unfortunately, whenever a demon tree came too close to Snow White, the camera focused soley on its grinning, wooden visage while the gamera grew all blurry, as if Ventus was on some bad acid, and our spiky-haired hero had to run over and bludgeon the crap out of them with his giant key to get them away. It didn't help that there was a boatload of blue demons running about trying to get a piece of that action, nor did it help that Snow White had the constitution of a pigeon with acrophobia.
Eventually, Snow White gave up and sank to her knees, weeping, despite Ventus' best efforts to keep her safe. And the game then had the gall to make me attempt this pathetic excuse for an escort mission again.
THERE IS NO MIDDLE FINGER IN THE WORLD BIG ENOUGH!!!
So there you have it. An itemized list of why I don't like Kingdom Hearts, and by extension, Final Fantasy. I take back nothing I said during this rant, because it was all true, and if disliking this sort of a game makes me stupid, then call me Retard McShitforbrains, but I'd rather be stupid and having fun then intelligent and bored. Now, if you excuse me, I have to play some Tekken before my stomach crawls out of my throat.
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| I'd love to see how long Squall would last against Heihachi. Maybe all of five minutes. |
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