WARNING: The following contains large amounts of #Butts, and may not be suitable for certain readers. It is also not canon and extremely silly, and thus has no actual bearing on the Zoofights RP Timeline.
With that said, enjoy!
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"I am uncertain about this new body design, Dirk."
There was a sentence that encapsulated Dirk Angelos in his entireity. A generally good soul overall, he nevertheless had an enthusiasm that somewhat overrode common sense, and a lot of his endeavours ran the gamut from 'unneccesary' to 'just plain crazy', fueled by the kind of testosterone that would make a rhinoceros cry foul. It was still uncertain of where on that scale starting his own robotics and clothing company would fit, and even as he began to put out ads and put together actual working models for purchase, it was a clear that more research was needed to determine how crazy this plan of his was.
However, Dawn Cosine, looking at the new body she'd ordered a week or two ago, was beginning to see a few telltale warning signs.
On the one hand, it influences such things as Kickstarter, where Mighty No. 9 and other retro-inspired creations can flourish, free from the more toxic influences of this cutting-edge world of ours. It's gratifying to see that the best of the old ways can persevere in a culture that normally won't even spare at glance at anything if it doesn't dynamically render ever drop of sweat on Marcus Fenix's forehead as he chainsaws yet another alien to death. And in many ways, we should be thankful that the things we were brought up on as kids shaped us to be the people we are, instead of decrying the new stuff that's trying to shape the kids of the future in the same way.
On the other hand, Pooh's Adventures.
The smiles are all false, trust me.
I hesitate to classify Pooh's Adventures as a web series, but that's the closest I can get to describing this loose collection of crossover films made by various different people. Mostly a YouTube thing, the basic premise of these films is to shoehorn Winnie the Pooh and his friends, along with fifty other characters from different franchises, into the plots and scenarios of other cartoons, films and related media with about zero respect for continuity, age groups or common sense. I can only assume this to be an offshoot of the Disney crossover stuff made by actually talented people, spawned from the flabby folds of nerds and dorks alike who want to imitate such grand works but only have Windows Movie Maker pre-installed on their laptops.
Just in case you think you've accidentally stumbled across one, keep an eye out for these reoccurring tropes that infect the genre like an inoperable cancer:
The creator styles themselves as a "studio" much like Disney and Warner Bros., despite having none of the resources or talent. Usually have poorly-spelt usernames, or ones with "movies", "films" or "studio" in them.
Each video begins with a lengthy series of idents or title sequences. Usually starting with the creator's own, but also adding in those from the franchises used. These can take up half the first video, in the worst cases
The other characters are brought in through spliced-in footage. The intention is to assume the character's are performing the same actions in the footage, just in the new scene they are in. However, because the creator can't/doesn't cut out the background, it looks as though everyone's standing in different places.
When a character needs to speak lines they didn't say in the source material, the footage is abruptly muted and subtitles are thrown in. These are uniformly white and in a font that is both simultaneously hard to read and obscuring the actual video. Often, a small segment of dialogue is muted just to get a character to say somebody's name, creating a really jarring effect.
This is often used to have characters say lines offical characters used, and then have the character that originally said that line respond with "I agree" or some other inanity.
On that subject, the writing is usually poor as fuck.
The "film" itself is loosely based on the original film/show being adapted, but every scene is padded out to include the other characters as well. Usually every character, because we have to know just how Snagglepuss and Scamp are reacting, don't we?
There's almost always a gathering of heroes and a gathering of villains. Often, the villains will be beaten in the same way they were in the films, just with other characters doing it.
In the very, very worst cases, crossover ships will happen. Dear sweet Poseidon, do they happen.
Or, you know, just look at the video title. Then you should probably run screaming. Hit the jump if you want to know more.
"Yeah, mom, I'm fine. It's just... oh, why do we have to do our Christmas shopping now, of all days?"
"Because all the shops put their best deals on at this time of year. And if you want to get any of your presents, we'd be better off buying them today!"
"Yeah, but everyone else has thought so, too, haven't they? Look at all these crowds!"
"He's got a point, Melody. I've never seen it this bad in all my life. Not since the Great Crush of '87!"
"Yes, and it was a good job Rush was there, otherwise poor old Light wouldn't have made it! Honestly, the way these shops make such a fuss about Christmas nowadays-"
"Um, guys? I can't find Uncle James."
"...Oh, great. I told him to stay right behind us! He's probably gotten swept away or lost now!"
"Calm down, Rock. We have our phones, remember? We'll just-
Have you ever had a craving for the things you used to enjoy as a child? Stuff you used to enjoy watching, for instance, and you'd play it over and over again on your VCR even if the picture ended up as grainy as fuck? And then when you eventually found it, either via the magic of DVD or the Internet, it wasn't quite what you remembered?
That's what happened to me today with The Magic Roundabout.
The Magic Roundabout was a 1964-1971 stop-motion television show created by Serge Danot and Ivor Wood (Postman Pat, Paddington Bear), narrated by Eric Thompson and later Nigel Planer. It followed the day-to-day misadventures of a young girl named Florence and her colorful menagerie of friends, including egotistical and sarcastic Dougal the dog, Zebedee the jack-in-the-box, Dylan the hippie rabbit and many others. Originally a French creation, the show was picked up by the BBC, who re-dubbed each episode with a new script completely different from the French original and with no input from Serge at all.
And it shows. Oh, my sweet Christ above, does it show.
Because the BBC never asked for the script or for translations, and only had the footage in front of them to work with, the resulting programme was completely different from the French. And by "completely different" I mean "batshit drug-influenced insane". Whilst some episodes had coherant plots, others flitted schizophrenically back and forth with no focus on one thing - a single episode could touch on philosophy, complain about the post office and advise on house-hunting in one breath. Not to say that it still isn't a classic - Dougal's pompous sarcasm still gets a laugh from me now and again - but there are moments when you just wish the Brits and French had been in contact with each other more.
In order to demonstrate just what is wrong with the show, I will detail what happens in the episode shown below.
It starts off with Florence meeting up with Dougal, who is stuffing his face with huge amounts of sugar like a child. This seems like perfectly in-character behavior, considering a major character trait of his is a crippling sweet tooth, and let's face it, who among us hasn't wanted to do that as a kid at some point? But the first problem sets in when Dougal claims that it's because he's hypoglycemic, and needs the sugar to balance out his metabolism.
Problem Number 1: The show, as a consequence of trying to fit the script to the footage, throws up topics and terminology that kids would have no way of understanding or knowing about. Already they've been confronted with a serious medical condition, but being kids they will have no way of knowing what it is and why this is an issue that causes Florence to react with genuine surprise and concern. Not that I'd prefer the show treat them like idiots, because God knows we ought to at least try and challenge kids to think for themselves, but the amount of political and real-life conundrums that get thrown around make me wonder if the kids of the 60's were somehow weird super-geniuses with bigger brains.
Also, they got the terminology wrong. I looked it up - Hypoglycemia is a medical emergency relating to low blood sugar levels, not a condition. They would have been better off saying Dougal was diabetic, although considering he was probably lying his face off to justify gobbling sugar cubes I doubt it really matters.
Anyway, Florence suggests they take a walk, and this prompts a brief bit of filler where they walk along a repeating background of trees and plants for a bit. I'm assuming the dialogue inserted in here was just filler to avoid prolonged silence, because heaven knows I'd get bored watching a dog and a girl walk side-by-side for half a minute or so without a word spoken.
Soon, they encounter a strange plant thing, which is just a lump of plasticine with some tissue paper wrapped around it. As is usually the case with these shows, the thing is sentient, and strikes up a conversation with the two, all whilst opening up the tissue paper "petals" around it's body in a way I can't help but be slightly disturbed by. The oddly-feminine voice doesn't help, either, but then again I might be reading to much into it.
Dougal is convinced the plant is an onion, so Florence asks what it is. The plant responds thus:
"Do you mean cosmically speaking?"
...what.
"There are so many levels of reality, so many layers of truth. Don't you think?"
WHAT.
Philosophy?! You're gonna throw philosophy at kids now?!
And this is Problem Number 2: Throwing issues at children that they shouldn't really give a toss about until they enter their teens and learn about how fucked the world outside is. The talking onion is trippy enough, but now you're trying to make the audience question what is real?! Kids don't have time for that sort of stuff - they're supposed to be playing with their action figures and going to school to learn what 7 X 6 is! I've said before that you shouldn't treat kids like they're stupid, even if they are, but this is too far on the other end of the spectrum and you'll probably twist their minds directing stuff like this at them! And what makes it worse is that it's not even justifiable - it's random crap thrown in to make up for the fact the BBC couldn't be arsed to stay in contact with the French to actually make a coherent translation!
Dougal voices everyone's thoughts when he groans "Oh, good grief!"
So anyway, the onion turns out to be a blue flower with an even more disturbingly-sultry voice. I guess the whole point here is not to judge books by their cover, but the episode tackles it from such a bizarre and nonsensical angle that I can't tell if it's a genuine attempt to address it or if the whole production team was corpsing in the back of the recording studio. If they'd taken out the whole philosophical angle then it would have made far much sense and I would have understood it, but at times it feels as though the script was written as a sort of drunken in-joke that the viewers wouldn't get, which I would;t be surprised by at this time.
After Dougal and the flower bugger off, realising they're not important to the scene anymore, the most hilarious fucking thing occurs.
Zebedee bounces in, announces it's time for supper, then bounces out again.
Watching that, me and Del collapsed into fits of laughter that would impress the Game Grumps. The character literally jumps in, makes a statement that has no connection to the rest of the episode and then leaves. All of one line, barely five seconds of screen-time and his only contribution to the episode as a whole - it's like something out of a late-night sitcom written by a madman. I would love to see the original episode in the French, because I'm sure there must have been some context for his brief appearance that would justify it that was glossed over in this insane gag dub.
Florence walks back to the Roundabout and muses on the nature of life with even bigger words - exactly what a kid needs to think about when they just want to watch a silly TV show with a dog in it. Mr Rusty, the owner of the roundabout, simply quips that she should eat more green vegetables, but the episode fades to the outro before he's even finished speaking. So we end on a complete non-sequitur that adds nothing to the theme of the episode, which just about caps the insanity of what you have just witnessed.
And there you have it. Proof that, if the characters themselves weren't on drugs, then the creators certainly were. Some of the episodes are a bit more coherant - the Highland Games episode springs to mind - but there are more than a few that play out like the mental fever-dream of an LSD addict trying to write an episode of Winnie-The-Pooh. Now, if you excuse me, I need to focus on writing something that isn't a desperate wail at the knowledge that I willingly watched this madness.
The following is a paid Public Information Broadcast from the Ministry of Joy. Please remain seated.
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"Good afternoon, People of Britain!This is your Prime Minister Harold Kelman speaking on behalf of the Ministry of Joy. We have a most important announcement to make, one that I'm sure that you will all be very pleased to hear about! Firstly, some statistics - Last year, only a hundred people were detained by the Happiness Patrol for Rehabilitation due to crimes against the state. This is a really positive development, and thanks to a recent discovery we're hoping to cut that figure in half this year. Which is why the good folk at the Ministry asked me to tell you all about it!
"You may remember last year, when we announced that we would be looking into a revolutionary new method of Correction - one that would curb dissident thoughts and promote social obedience in the long-term. Well, I have good news, People of Britain - courtesy of an anonymous donor, we have succeeded in creating a special facility for just such a purpose, in order to keep the population happy and content! More fascinating than the cinema, more exhilarating than a rollercoaster and much better for your head in the long run! We like to call it...
"Currently installed at the former site of Woking, the Sanctuary is dedicated to mass Correction, on a scale not even the Ministry's Clinics could provide. We aim for this facility to be the ultimate in mental and physical treatment, between Correction and the last resort of Rehabilitation. Within it's walls, you will find not only the standard treatment facilities you can find locally, but also surgeries and therapy centers designed to easy your mind and quell troublesome thoughts for good. We've even had the Department of Foreign Relations backing us on this one, so we must be doing something right!
"But it gets even better, people! For you see, the Ministry has just perfected a new kind of mental conditioning without the need for expensive drugs or messy surgery! Currently under the working name of "Marmalisation", this is a radical new treatment that will enable us to put an end to clinical depression and ensure a safe and happy population. I admit, the name sounds scary, but the process itself is harmless - we've tested this on over a hundred willing volunteers, and all of them have reported one hundred percent satisfaction! Talk about results!
"And what is the secret to this amazing new treatment? Well, that's- hold on...
"...I'm sorry, but my good friends at the Ministry have just told me I'm to keep that a secret. But I can assure you that this is a major first step in ensuring a brighter, smile-filled future for Britain! The Sanctuary is just the first of it's kind - once we are sure it works, we will be installing them in every major city across the country, from Truro in Cornwall all the way to Scotland, in Shrewsbury, Birmingham, Edinburgh, the Yorkshire counties and more! And if we're really lucky, we might get an offer from the EU or US to install similar facilities overseas!
"Now, just to keep in mind - the Sanctuary is not a replacement for your local Clinics, which are at the moment currently the cheaper and more accessible alternative. Even once we've got them up and running, you're still advised to take your once-a-month checkup as per government mandate. And should you ever be feeling depressed, suicidal or inclined with dissident thoughts, you can always pop down and have a confidential chat with your designated GP and undergo a bit of Treatment!
"Well, that's all I have to say! Carry on, people of Britain! Play me off, Mr. Giggles!"
So Maximillian recently posted a silly video where he sings about Chief Thunder's bear costume parts in the new Killer Instinct, to the tune of Bare Necessities from Disney's Jungle Book,and you can find it here. Anyway, after watching it, I suddenly started making up extra lyrics for it, and now suddenly this is here. So get playing the video linked below and prepare to sing along.
Look for the Bear Accessories, The simple Bear Accessories. Forget about that ninja and his knife.
I mean the Bear Accessories! The bear is dead, but he agrees That brings the Bear Accessories to life!
Wherever you're playing, Chief Thunder's your main. So use those two axes To bring the pain!
You can't do damage from afar, So get in close and let us spar. And when you're stomping on noobs like ants Then take a glance at the fancy pants And maybe buy a few!
The Bear Accessories of life will come to you! They'll come to you! Look for the Bear Accessories, The simple Bear Accessories. Forget about that werewolf's shitty life.
You need the Bear Accessories, So bust those combos out with ease To bring the Bear Accessories to life!
Now when you drop a Triplax Cause you stood over there, And your face Orchid's fist smacks, Well, next time, beware!
Don't pop your ultra when you jump in! When you pop your ultra, do it from the spin! But you don't need to use the spin For the Call of the Earth, you can just jump in!
Have I given you a clue? The Bear Accessories of life will come to you! They'll come to you!
So just try to relax, yeah?
Cool it, fall apart in Thunder's yard.
Because if you're like Glacius, playing keepaway...
Uh-uh. You're trying too hard.
And don't spend your time in the Dojo
Just messing around.
Trying for combos that can't be found.
When you find out you look swag with them on,
And play along climbing ranks with them on,
I'll tell you something true:
The Bear Accessories of life will come to you!
Look for the Bear Accessories, The simple Bear Accessories. Forget about that ninja and his knife.
I mean the Bear Accessories! The bear is dead, but he agrees That brings the Bear Accessories to life!
Hey, dudes! You already know how to swear as creatively as Dirk Angelos, or even seduce the ladies like he does. But suppose you ended up on a foreign country, or world, or a completely different universe, where all the things you know and love are twisted and wrong? How would you woo the lady types, or threaten death upon someone who overtakes you on the hard shoulder, or order a double-bacon burrito supreme with all the timmings?
HERE'S HOW, BITCHES!
That's right, folks! From the incredibly handsome(?) man(???) who brought you Johnny Raptor: The Greatest Man Alive and Red Gold and Other Mechspositionary Tales comes the updated release fans of Dirk have been begging for! Count Longardeaux's Dirktionary 2.0 is not just a beefier Dirktionary that's been at the burgers! It's the ultimate digital guide to not only learning how to soak up that dashing dark angel's charisma, but also to surviving in foreign lands that would kill the average person with lynch mobs and terrible food! Within these kickass titanium covers, you'll find:
A Passionate and Emphatic foreword from noble publisher Count Longardeaux himself!
"Please, please, PLEASE do not read zis book!"
The Complete, Extended Unabriged Dirktionary with new and never-before-seen quips, sayings and witty put-downs!
An Illustrated Visual Guide to important landmarks and buildings of interest!
Handy Survival Tips when dealing with new food, different traffic laws and the occasional fold in space time!
Even More Style and Dress Tips! Look as irresistable as Dirk even when you don't understand a bloody word anyone says!
A Thorough and Exhausive Phrase List: Learn how to ask directions, insult or charm in over 48'000 different languages including:
French!
Enochian
Klingon!
Asari!
Digital!
Merspeak!
Lower and Upper Hub!
Non-Euclidian! (dear sweet jesus)
Parental Controls in case Dirk's sense of humour rubs you the wrong way!
A Special Acknowledgements Page: Dirk would like to thank a lot of people for helping him get known! (WARNING: 18+ Readers Only)
Here's just some of the things the critics have been saying about Dirktionary 2.0!
"Our sides were splitting!"
- Zoofights Chronicle
"Informative for all the right reasons, funny for all the wrong ones."
- Librarian's Ponderings
"Keep this out of reach of children, animals and wives."
- The Hub Guild of Writers and Readers
"...Sideways?!"
- That shmuck we pulled off the street
But just in case you're still not convinced, look who just put his own stamp of approval on this side-splitting publication!
"I, Saxton Hale, CEO of Mann Co., hereby approve of whatever the HELL this is!"
- Saxton Hale, CEO of Mann Co.
Count Longardeaux's
DIRKTIONARY 2.0
Available from all good(?) bookstores and as a digital download!
So, Thanksgiving is coming up for you Americans. And as well all know, Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of year where you get to see all your friends and family and stuff yourselves silly with rich food until you can barely move. But most importantly, it's that time of year where you take a step back and re-examine the things you take for granted so you can appreciate them better. Things like poorly-written yet insanely epic tales about an orange lasagna-loving cat beating up the British monarchy. Which I don't blame him for, really - our monarchy kinda sucks.
So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, and also as a result of some delusional mind-fever brought about by our Chatzy conversations, I give you this thing which I spent way too long in writing. Hopefully it's faithful to the style of ShakespeareHemmingway's original Garfield tales, because I literally cannot bring myself to write like this ever again. Even for the sake of tribute or parody. I mean, I'm probably going to have to try and re-learn my original writing style after this, because I may have forgotten how to write well during this thing.
Here goes.
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It was dark stormy night in Hell. Fire leapt from spouts of darkness as lava and pitch pubbled in pools for tormenting of wicked souls. All throughout dark caverns sinful souls howled with agony as demons tormented them with sharp forks and poles.
In dark throne room of hell three figures had gathered for plotting. They wore heavy cloaks and hoods for concealing so no-one would recognize them.
"So we all agree, we are sick of dealing with his so-called manliness," Said one figure with leadership.
"Yes, he is threat to evil all over world, not even M.Bison was able to stop him," Shouted second figure with shaking of fist.
"I have score to settle with stupid orange cat, this plan cannot be failing," Cackled third figure with dastardliness.
"Then it is settled," said first figure with determination, and three figures put hands together for evil alliance as they shouted into air with dark anger.
"GARFIELD MUST DIE!!!"
Garfield was at home in high security training room. He was punching bag made of iron with fists of fury.
"The metal of this bag is no match for the metal of my bones," Quipped Garfield with cleverness as he punched bag with mighty fists splitting it open. The bag was full of lasagna and Garfield quickly ate all of it like real man.
"A true man like me works for his meals," Said Garfield with philosophy.
Just then Jon Arbuckle came in with emergency news.
"Garfield I has important news, there is mysterious package lying outside with mysteriousness," Said Jon Arbuckle with worryings.
"Do not be sobbing like baby, I will investigate," Said Garfield with consolings.
Garfield left training room with great speed and went to front door. Outside was mysterious package with no label, wrapped up in chains made of adamantium and diamond. With lightning speed Garfield ripped open chains as if they were made of paper but package was empty.
"What is this?" Roared Garfield with angry voice as he put paw inside package for searchings.
Suddenly swirling black portal opened up and Garfield was sucked inside. Evil laughter came from package with rumblings like thunder as package closed shut.
"This is terrible, I must be finding help!" Cried Jon Arbuckle with fear. Jon Arbuckle boarded his jet and took off with maximum burn for finding help.
Meanwhile Garfield had fallen into dark slumber, but like real man he soon woke up. Garfield awoke to find himself in massive cage for imprisonment surrounded by moat of lava. Awful demons flew above Garfield with pitchforks and firey breath and laughed at our hero with tauntings.
"WHAT IS THIS TREACHERY?!" Bellowed Garfield with ragings as he punched bars of cage with mighty fists. Garfield punched with strength of true man but cage did not break or bend.
Suddenly laughter of great evil rang through dark room. As Garfield looked around he saw three dark figures standing at edge of moat with mysteriousness.
"They call you a true man Garfield, yet you cannot break out of simple cage? This is funniness!" Said one figure with insults.
"Stop your coward sniveling and show me your faces," Demanded Garfield with anger.
The three figures then suddenly tore off their hoods with dramatic revealings. It was Bowser Hitler and Satan!
"THIS CANNOT BE!" Cried Garfield with horror. He thought he had beaten Hitler many years ago with triumph, but here Hitler was again with new evil Nazi schemes! How could this be so?
"We are tired of losing to you all the time, so we have brought you into Hell for final test of your manliness," Roared Bowser with mocking.
"We have made with genius the most terrible obstacle course known to man or beast, not even you can traverse it and live," Cackled Hitler with vengeance.
"And once you are dead, I shall take over whole planet and become absolute ruler! All men will bow to my power!" Howled Satan with triumph.
The three villains laughed with evil as they vanished into shadows like ghosts. Cage door unlocked and swung open for to become bridge over lava moat. Garfield sat in cage with stunned horror, but real man does not feel fear for long and like real man Garfield soon recovered.
"These cowards want to do away with me like piece of trash, they are scared to face real man. They have dealt their hand, now I must play mine," Mused Garfield with thoughts.
Garfield stood up and walked out of his cage for manly heroism, he would not let Bowser, Hitler and Satan get away with insulting words. Cage bars were now white-hot from heat but Garfield was not flinching and walked across with no problem.
"They think they have me caught like a mouse, but they will find they have caught a man," Declared Garfield with bravery.
Meanwhile, Jon Arbuckle was flying in jet across oceans and oceans looking for help.
"I have to keep looking, it is the only way I can help Garfield," Said Jon Arbuckle with determination.
Soon Jon Arbuckle flew higher and higher until he was higher than tallest clouds. Jon Arbuckle did not stop and kept flying higher until he was near edge of space and all the land was small like ant beneath him. Soon Jon Arbuckle saw great flying spaceship shaped like horse hovering in sky and knew he had found whom he was seeking.
"The Space Stallions are being old friends of Garfield. They are the only ones who can help," Said Jon Arbuckle with bravery as he flew faster and faster towards mighty spaceship. Spaceship grew bigger and bigger but Jon Arbuckle did not slow down and jet crashed through front door with radical explosion.
"Hope they don't mind gate crashers," Quipped Jon Arbuckle with cleverness.
Jon Arbuckle then parked his jet in hangar with skill and climbed out just as the Space Stallions came in for invesigations. They were Sun Ray, Ion Ray, X-Ray and Optica.
"Who are you and why have you broken our nice new door?" Demanded Ion Ray with angry words.
"I am Jon Arbuckle, and I need your help. Surely you remember Garfield?" Asked Jon Arbuckle with concern.
"Garfield? He was being my best friend in high school! What has happened?" Cried Sun-Ray with worrying.
"Did you not sense it? Garfield was kidnapped with evil intentions, we must find him!" Cried Jon Arbuckle with explanations.
"Not Garfield! I have always ached for his macho charm and now he is in danger!" Wailed Optica with sorrow.
"We must waste no time, Mother Mustang is telling me Garfield was taken to Hell," Roard X-Ray with revelations.
"But I cannot go there, my jet does not go underground," Said Jon Arbuckle with worryings.
"You will not need jet, the only transport we need is our iron wills," Said Sun Ray with manly leadership.
Jon Arbuckle and Space Stallions walked out of hangar and onto deck of mighty space ship. The air was being cold like arctic winter but Jon did not complain for he did not want to seem like weak baby. As they walked onto deck with purpose Sun Ray gave Jon Arbuckle talisman with magical powers.
"You will need this, it is the only way we are getting into Hell," Said Sun Ray with helpfulness.
Jon Arbuckle took talisman and put it around his neck. Suddenly Jon Arbuckle felt as if he were made of hardest metals and did not feel cold at all. Jon Arbuckle and Space Stallions walked to edge of deck for jumping.
"To get to darkest depths, you must first jump from heighest hights," Quipped Jon Arbuckle with manliness.
"Now you are being like true man," Said Ion Ray with encouraging.
Space Stallions and Jon Arbuckle linked hands with bravey. Then with mighty shout of "AMAKOOOOOOOO" all five leapt from deck of mighty spaceship for base jumping! They fell for many hours through cold of space to Earth but did not feel cold. Then they entered atmosphere and began glowing with firey re-entry heat but did not feel pain. They fell faster and faster with hastenings for to reach Garfield before evil villains won terrible battle.
Meanwhile Garfield was walking through Hell with intentions to face dastardly villains. The road to obstacle course was many thounsands of miles long and full of sharp stones but Garfield was not fazed. Evil demons flew down and whipped Garfield with whips for tormenting but Garfield was real man and did not feel pain.
"You will never win Garfield. Our master is too strong and obstacle course is most evil known to man," Laughed demons with mockery.
"Even evil must bow to true man eventually," Retorted Garfield with heroism.
Soon Garfield came to evil obstacle course for final battle. Obstacle Course was full of terrible traps and horrendous hazards for killing and torment and monsters roamed path with hunger! On far side of obstacle course was Bowser and Hitler sitting in thrones for watching.
"I designed this course myself for Mario, you can never pass through it," Roared Bowser with gloating.
"I hear turtle soup is on menu tonight,," Said Garfield with threats. Garfield glared at Bowser with intentions and Bowser fell silent with fear.
"Enough of your talking, it is time for dying," Shouted Hitler with demands.
Garfield stood up like man and began to walk through first part of obstacle course. There were many spikes for skewering and lava pits for burning but Garfield was not fazed and walked across without pain. There ware also many fireballs leaping out of lava but Garflield did not feel pain anf kept on walking until he had reached other side of course.
"WHAT IS THIS?!" Roared Bowser in disbelief.
"Did you not pay attention in evil school? Man muscles are fireproof," Quipped Garfield with triumph.
"SILENCE! You will be going through second part of course now!" Shrieked Hitler with impatience.
Garfield walked towards second part of course which was giant black pit more than fifty miles wide. The pit was full of giant demon snakes which squirmed and hissed with hunger and vengeance. On one side of pit was cape feather for jumping across.
"Cape feathers are for sissies and girls," said Garfield with witticisms as he leapt across pit in single bound. Demon snakes rose up from pit for attacking but Garfield grabed every single one and tied them in knots for silencing.
"Looks like you're tied up for a while," quipped Garfield with cleverness as he landed on other side of pit.
"NO-ONE HAS BEFORE CROSSED EVIL PIT," Cried Bowser with terror. Bowser began to sweat like roast turkey and hid behind throne with cowardice.
"You have done well Garfield but you go no further. This is where you die!" Laughed Hitler with ominousness.
"Have you not learned from last fight? I beat you once before and I will beat you again like Nazi child," Retorted Garfield with bravery.
"Get him you fools!" Ordered Hitler to monsters.
At evil Nazi command monsters all ran at Garfield for fighting. Many chain chomps rushed at Garfield but were beaten back by manly fists of fury. Many Nazi soldiers also shot at Garfield but manly muscles deflected bullets.
"Get along little doggie," Quipped Garfield with cleverness as he picked up chain chomp and threw it at Nazi soldiers with manliness. Chain chomp hit Nazis like bowling ball and sent them scattering like ninepins into lava for burning death.
"Perfect strike as always," Said Garfield with satisfaction.
Bowser could not stay in room with true man any longer. Bowser leapt from behind throne and begann running out of room with cowardly shrieking.
"Do not be running away from justice," Said Garfield as he drew his Desert Eagle and shot Bowser in head with perfect aim. Bowser fell to ground with blood pouring from hole in head, dying with instantaneousness. Suddenly, Hitler stood in Garfield's way for challenging.
"Bowser was always being a coward. Your fight is with me and I shall have my vengeance!" Shrieked Hitler with rage as he tore off cloak to reveal cyborg body of Nazi evil.
Garfield looked at Hitler with eyes of seeing and spoke with words of saying.
"You are still a glutton for punishment. But do not be worrying, for punishment is fifty percent off," Garfield said as he raised his two fists for fighting.
Suddenly Hitler's eyes began glowing red with evil. As Garfield watched with horror, lighting cracked with power as Hitler's hair began turning gold with absolute power. Hitler was not only being a cyborg but he was also being Super Saiyan!
"Foolish cat! Satan made me a Super Saiyan Cyborg for purpose of defeating you!" Thundered Hitler with triumph.
Garfield lunged at Hitler for fighting and punched with manly might. Fists of fury pounded at Hitler with lighting speed but Hitler did not fall!
"WHAT." Roard Garfield with disbelief.
"Now prepare to die!" Laughed Hitler with triumph as he charged at Garfield for fighting. For first time Garfield felt pain as Hitler punched with mighty iron fists and kicked with mighty iron feet. Hitler kicked Garfield into sky then teleported behind with power to punch Garfield down into mountainside. Hitler then shot at Garfield with wrist-mounted chainguns and energy blasters with shooting, and Garfield was buried by mountainside.
"It is over Garfield! You have finally lost to me!" Shrieked Hitler with winning.
"It is never over as long as true men like me still walk the planet. You will not get away with this," Spat Garfield with hatred.
"I already have! Now die!" Hitler roared as he raised his arms. Mighty Death Ball glowed in Hitler's hands with power and began to grow with great speed.
Suddenly familiar voice was heard by all.
"AMAKOOOOOOOO."
It was Jon Arbuckle base jumping from edge of sky with Space Stallions. They broke through crust of Earth with eagle speed and had arrived in Hell for final confrontation. Ion Ray swung his hammer with power and knocked Death Ball from Hitler's hands as X-Ray used laser power to stun Hitler with paralysis.
"WHAT." Cried Hitler with outrage.
"Quickly! We must give Garfield power to defeat Hitler!" Cried Sun Ray with leadership.
Jon Arbuckle took out lasagna guitar and began playing rocking awesome guitar solo with riffs. Sun Ray transformed his sword into epic keytar and began playing epic keytar melody with support. Jon Arbuckle and Sun Ray played epic song for giving Garfield power, and song they played was:
"Oh Babe when I see your eyes It is making my pants rise The feeling is out of control From my lovin there is no parole
Love Is Lasagna Food that is Feeding my soul Love Is Lasagna It is not no casserole
Oh Babe I am at the end of my ropes I want to taste your sweet cantaloupes Your body is buffet of desire In bedroom I will never tire
Love is Lasagna We will be melting like Mozzarella cheese Love is Lasagna My appetite only you can appease
Oh babe you are delicious like lasagna feast I will devour your body whole like beast Lonely Man Walking Lonely Path Alone Now we are together all night we will moan
Love is Lasagna One serving is never enough Love is Lasagna You are knowing I like it rough
Love is Lasagna Soft and gooey give me one more slice Love is Lasagna I will be taking you to paradise"
Mountanside shook with power as metal and keytar music flowed through Garfield with strength. With mighty punch, Garfield emerged from rubble with heroic pose and glowing fur.
"My kind of song. Thank you Sun Ray old friend, you were being just in time," Said Garfield with thanks.
"Not a problem Garfield, anything for true man," Said Sun Ray with happiness.
"WHAT IS THIS." Shrieked Hitler with terror.
Garfield leapt into sky with jump jet speed and grabbed Hitler with manly strength. Hitler shook and squired like jelly worm but Garfield was not letting go.
"Time to take you for a spin," Quipped Garfield with wit as he spun Hitler around with one arm. Garfield spun Hitler faster and faster with speed and was not slowing down.
"Stop, Garfield! I am feeling like windmill," Cried Hitler with defeat.
"You have been going stale, old friend. Like I said, I prefer Nazis well done," Said Garfield with final as he threw Hitler down into boiling lava.
"NOOOOOOO" Cried Hitler with pain as he splashed into lava and was burned with heat.
"Oh Garfield, I was so worried for your rugged good looks! Are you alright?" Cried Optica with relief as she embraced Garfield with loving.
"I am alright, my cosmic chickpea. It takes more than fire and spikes to dent a real man," Consoled Garfield with casualness.
Suddenly great fire appeared in middle of room. It was Satan carrying decorated lasagna cake for apologies.
"You really are true man Garfield, I see I was wrong to challenge you," Said Satan with apologies as he gave lasagna cake to Garfield.
"You are worthy opponent Satan, we should be doing this again," Said Garfield with laughter as he took gift with thanking.
"But I could never have defeated Hitler without helping. Thank you all for coming with speed," said Garfield with thanks.
"It is no problem, Garfield. Now, let us go home to be celebrating," Said Jon Arbuckle with cheer.
"And we must be having a celebration of our own, Garfield. I have been away from your manliness for too long," said Optica with seduction.
"Very well, I will be making you scream to the stars," Said Garfield with winking.
And so Satan created another portal that took our heroes back home with speed. There was many partying with happiness, and Garfield cut lasagna cake for sharing. Then Garfield and Optica went to Garfield's room for to make sweet lovings. As nights came into evenings they made love like bees make honey sweet gooey and full of nutrition.
The end...?
-------
Ugh. This actually hurt to write, and no-one is more glad to get this over with than I am. In fact, I don't bl;ame you if you decide to hate me for writing this thing. But I hope you appreciate it for what it's trying to be - a gift from a nerdy Brit to his nerdy American friends for a holiday he doesn't celebrate because he's British. Now, if you excuse me, I need to apply for English courses in order to recover before filing a patent for Super Saiyan Cyber Hitler.
Last time on Beast Heroes, our five defenders of justice had just foiled Overlord Jonah's evil plan to raid the Major's Mausoleum and steal it's weapons! However, it would appear that the Buearaucratic Brain has something special planned for our plucky protagonists! What will happen next? Tune in to find out!
The five Beast Heroes can only stare in horror at the swirling black portal opening above the Major's Mausoleum. Mere moment's ago, our brave defensers of justice had taken down the squad of Watchers that had attempted to raid the museum and steal it's cargo of deadly weapons. Having assumed that this meant the end of Overlord Jonah's newest scheme, the five were shocked, therefore, to hear his thunderous voice over the intercom, and to see the portal open above them!
Jonah's voice rumbles in again, smug and confident.
"I suppose," he growls "you think that you've actually foiled my plans this time, Beast Heroes."
"The thought had crossed our minds, Brain-Drain," retorts Oceanus, fists clenched.
"Well, that is where you're wrong!" shrieks the disembodied dictator. "Those Watchers were a mere diversion - I've merely brought you here to test my greatest creations yet!"
And with that, the portal flashes like a lightbulb on it's last legs! One, two, three times and more it flashes, and for every flash something new and monstrous drops in - giagantic mechanical men higher than the Mausoleum itself! With thunderous crashes the titantium titans land upon the ground, the tremors from their impact causing the Beast Heroes to stagger! And as the monsters rise to their feet and turn to the city at large, red eye slits flashing, the two-headed eagle of Jonah's empire is visible on their chests!
"Inquisitors!" howls Jonah in triumph. "Reverse-engineered from the technology of my world! THe strongest weapons in my army - and your death!"
"And you're going to trample the city into submission with them?!" Jonesy's eyes narrow as she observes the Inquistors striding into the city. "Not on our watch!"
Pech steps forward, face twisted into a snarl behind his helmet. "You won't get away with thiss, you megalomaniac!" he roars, shaking a fist at the portal.
"What can you do, traitor?" snarls the tyrant. "Against my Inquisitors, you are naught but ants! Have a nice afterlife, Alpharius Pech!"
And as the portal dissapates, and the mocking laughter of Overlord Jonah vanishes from the comms, the five Beast Heroes have to admit that, for once, their arch-nemesis is right. The Inquisitors are unlike anything they have ever faced - far bigger than the Watchers and most certaintly better equipped! An attack against even one of these die-cast dreadnaughts would be suicide, and the team can only stand and watch as the monsters begin their assault, lasers shooting from their eye slits and reducing the surrounding buildings to rubble!
But just as all hope seems lost, the intercom crackles to life again. And this time, the voice is a welcoming one!
"What the heck happened?" comes Pit's voice. "You guys just vanished off of the radar for a moment there!"
"Jonah's brought in a bunch of giant robots!" hollers Widow Maker. "And they're ripping up the city like it's so much cardboard!"
"This hardly sporting at all!" cries Jumpropeman. "We have to do something, Pit! We can't let that wrinkled old walnut beat us!"
"In that case," retorts Pit grimly, "we're going to need the Beast Machines."
The gasps and exclamations of shock that go around the Beast Heroes would fill a modest paperback.
"Are you inssane?" hisses Pech. "How can we be ssure that thosse infernal contraptionss will be enough to sstop thesse machines!"
"Because Celestia made them for precisely this reason, Snake-Features!" snaps Oceanus. "Jonah brought out the big guns, so we're going to have to as well! Do we really have a choice?!"
The nods and grunts of assent from the others indicate that no, they do not have a choice right now. Seeing that his own comrades have voted against him yet again, Pech deflates, knowing better than to start a punch-up at this moment in time.
"...it'ss worth a try," he says at last.
"Let's go, team!" hollers Jonesy.
And as one, the Beast Heroes strike identical poses, press a fancy button on their Beast Changers and call out:
"BEAST MACHINES! ASSEMBLE!"
The motorway leading into the heart of the city is oddly empty, devoid of the usual traffic that clogs the lanes all day. And small wonder, for a gigantic Semi-trailer truck thunders down both lanes at once, its exhaust vomiting black smoke as it speeds on its reckless way. Only this is no ordinary truck. Reacting to a remote signal from its master, the vehicle deactivates its cloaking device in a surge of firey red light, revealing itself as the mighty Beast Machine, Magna Lion! The beast roars a challenge at its hyrdaulics kick in, picking up speed as it heads straight for the city.
The clouds above the city part as what appears to be a sleek jet fighter thunders down from the sky. But like the Magna Lion before it, the airborne vehicle briefly vanishes in a blaze of yellow light, stealth systems de-activating to reveal the mighty Turbo Falcon! With a thunderous shriek, the mechanical avian swoops down towards the city, jet engines on maximum burn!
Maul Street gets the shock of it's life as an entire subway train bursts out of the asphault. Almost immediately, in a blinding flash of green light, another of the Beast Machines sheds its stealth camoflague and reveals its identity to the world! The imposing Crash Viper weaves through the concrete jungle of Zoofights City, hissing threateningly as its back-mounted guns power up!
The water by Gravitas Docks parts as a submarine surfaces, metal sides gleaming in the sunlight. But once again, it's a mere disguise - a surge of blue light dissapates the illusion, revealing the sleek form of the noble Dive Shark! With a roar and a gnash of metallic teeth, the mechanical marvel activates its built-in jets, lifiting itself out of the water and jetting forward to join it's companions!
All the beasts of the jungle, as mighty as they are, run shrieking in fear as a powerful VTOL ship lifts into the sky, the trees bending back from the force of its jets. But in a pink flash of light, the exterior vanishes as the wonderous Shadow Mantis makes itself known to the world! The Beast Machine chitters as it beats its colourful wings faster, flying up to join its comrades!
"All right!" cries Jonesy as she catches sight of all five giant robots barreling towards the city in formation. "Let's go!"
In unison, the five Beast Heroes press another button on their Changers - this one a special teleporter linked to their respective machines. In a flash of light, each one of the gang vanishes from the street, to reappear seated in their cockpits and ready for battle!
"This is AWESOME!" cries Jonesy, and without warning she grabs the steering sticks and shoves them forward. With a roar, the Magna Lion obeys the command, picking up the pace as it barrels towards the Inquisitors, who are too frightened and amazed to respond! Without pause, the beast bites down onto the leg of one of the giant robots, flinging it into the air and sending it crashing into a nearby skyscraper, a near-irreparable wreck!
"I've always wanted to fly!" whoops Jumpropeman as he practices his flight manouvers. The Turbo Falcon is most certaintly his kind of ride, and in no time at all he is flying rings around a group of Inquitors! With a push of a button, the spectral superhero sends a barrage of laser shots from the robotic avian's beak, each one hitting home and causing the alien constructs to collapse, reduced to useless scrap and wires!
"How do you ssteer thiss warpdamned thing?!" Pech is having less luck - the Crash Viper's controls are strange to the marine, not resembling the alien buttons he is familiar with. As a result, the Green Beast Hero finds himself struggling to steer the serpentine machine in a straight line to attack the Inquisitors. Thankfully, one button press is all it takes to fire the back-mounted artillery cannons, blowing holes in a few more of the mechanical monsters!
"Celestia's really outdone herself!" Oceanus is ecstatic to be commanding such a mighty beast, and steers the Dive Shark towards a lone Inquisitor who has been separated from the group. A barrage of missiles knocks the cybernetic warrior off-balance, just ripe for the tooth-studded maw to clamp down upon its wasit! Lifting him up, Oceanus carries the robotic nemesis over the waters of the bay, wherupon he drops it into the ocean, leaving it to sink like a stone!
"Try and stop us, techno-freaks!" Widow Maker would normally be questioning why her Beast Machine is pink, but she is having far too much fun at the moment. With its stealth camoflague active, the Shadow Mantis slowly creeps towards what appears to be the last two of the Inquistors, before lashing out with its bladed claws! Their heads separated from the rest of them, the cybernetic enforcers plummet to the ground, sparking and hissing!
But just when it seems over, the ground shakes! For one Inquisitor, who apparently has had more proccessing power than his fabricated friends, appears suddenly from behind a skyscraper and charges! The next thing poor Oceanus knows, the mechanical monster has grabbed the Dive Shark by the tail and is swinging it around like a sack of potatoes! Alarms blare and lights flash red in the cockpit as the Blue Beast Hero frantically tries to get free, slamming buttons in the hope of shaking of his iron oppressor!
"Someone give me a hand!" he yells as a console explodes in a shower of sparks!
"HOLD ON!"
The voice over the intercom isn't Joney's authorative voice, or Jumpropeman's jolly tones - it's Pech's hissing! The Inquisitor is so focused on smashing the Dive Shark into skyscrapers and the floor that it fails to notice the Crash Viper approaching, and by then it is too late!
"LEAVE HIM ALONE, COWARD!" roars the alien warrior as he slams a button on the console. With a hissing cry, the steel serpent lunges, burying it's fangs into the titanium titan's leg, causing it to stumble and release the Dive Shark's tail! A fatal error - for almost instantly the Blue Beast Machine whips around and delivers a payload of missiles to the Inquisitor's head, and the once proud machine is reduced to smoking scrap! Finally, with a wrench of it's neck, the Crash Viper sends the ruined robot skidding away into the waters of the bay!
The air fills with loud CRACKs as the remains of the Inquisitors are suddenly teleported away. The battle is won! Overlord Jonah has tekn his ball and ran for home!
"We did it, guys!" whoops Jonesy. And the ecstatic cheering from the Beast Heroes is matched only by the triumphant roar of the Beast Machines.
-----
~Inferno
Stronghold, Mirror Dimension~ Commander Vile howls as another blast of electricity sends him flying across the room.
"Incompetent Fool!" roars the brain of Overlord Jonah. "You promised me the Inquisitors were invincible!"
"A m-mere design flaw, my Lord," stammers Vile as he picks himself up, shaking. "I p-p-promise, the next batch will-"
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! GET OUT!"
With a yelp, the scientist is forced to drop his cleaning cloth and flee the throne room, leaving the diabolical dictator to simmer in his tank.
"Beast Heroes," he snarls. "You think that just because you now have gaint robots, that makes you safe from me? Well, I beg to differ. This is a minor setback compared to what I will inflict upon you all. Someday," and here his modulated voice rises to a thunderous shriek, "someday I will be revenged on the whole pack of you!"
Lighting flashes ominously outside Castle Vergil as he speaks. Overlord Jonah may be down, but her is certainly not out.
-----
~The
King of Beasts Speakeasy, Zoofights City, Our World~
"Nice save back there, Pech!"
"Oh, it wass nothing!"
The party taking place at the King of Beasts Speakeasy is nothing short of over the top. Banners, streamers and balloons decorate the walls, and the booze flows freely as our five heroes, not to mention the plucky Pit and good old Gezora, celebrate the foiling of yet another of Overlord Jonah's schemes. And in the middle of it all, Oceanus is congratulating Pech on that amazing save in the battle against the Inquisitors.
"Seriously," cries the robot as he hands his friend another glass of cider. "If you hadn't stepped in there, I would have been reduced to scrap!"
Pech snorts, waving a hand dismissively. "Well, I wass not going to let that overssized calculator take the honour of sslaying you away from me, wass I? And bessidess, only a coward sstrikess from behind."
"Gezora only hopes," rumbles Gezora as he chows down on some conviniently-placed cake, "that you two have finally got your act together!"
"That's right!" hollers Jumpropeman over the loud music. "If you guys hand't learned to work together like that, the whole city would have gone down!"
"Sspare me the musshy lessonss," growls Pech. "I didn't do it becausse of your 'teamwork' bullsshit."
"Whatever you say," retorts Oceanus with a glint in his eye. "But at least do me a favour?"
"What would that be?"
"After this party, you gotta take the trash out!"
The laughter that echoes round the bar at this nearly drowns out the thumping noise of Pech facepalming in exasperation.
~NEXT TIME ON BEAST HEROES!~
"CAUS!" "KRONO!" "QUAN!"
Is it true? Have the legendary Time Knights finally turned to evil? Has Overlord Jonah finally got the better of the Beast Heroes? And who's the mysterious black knight from Celestia's past? One thing's for certain - Zoofights City's not big enought for two superhero teams! Join us next time as the two mightiest hero teams clash for the first time ever! Only on Z.T.V.!
(I am so sorry this took as long as it did to come out. But trust me, university is a thing that happens to us all, as well as writer's block. Maybe the hypothetical episode detailed above will only take a year to make, eh?
Also, just started playing Darksiders 2. I must say, it's gratifying to play a charcter who can actually dodge an attack for once, instead of sliding a few meters to the left of a giagantic axe being swung at his head. But more on that later.)
So I got Tekken Tag Tournament 2 yesterday. And it's awesome. And because I'm that sort of person, I'm going to shamelessly plug it and tell you why you should be buying it right now, even if you're not that good at fighting games. But unlike all those other times I've mentioned fighting games and sperged about the in-depth mechanics and whatnot, I'm going to throw the five best parts of the game at you that have nothing to do with actually playing the game. I dunno, maybe some of this will appeal to you.
5. The Music
Listen to this. LISTEN TO IT. It's catchy, it's bouncy and you'll have it in your head all damned day. It's like something you could find playing in an actual club somewhere. And that's just the character select screen - the whole game is loaded with amazing pieces that you'll find yourself listening to again and again. Jin's remixed theme from Tekken 3 will get you pumped as all hell, whilst the Customize screen music is all smooth and relaxing. Most of them are by Namco's Akitaka Tohyama, but a fair chunk of them, like the Fiji and Christmas stage themes, are made by other artists, like sanodg and Keiichi Obake. All of them are amazing.
4. Combot and Fight Lab
Say you've picked up Tekken Tag Tournament 2 as your first 3D fighter, and you're a cack-handed button masher who can barely play Street Fighter anyway. That's okay - just head right to the Fight Lab, where Lee Chaolan will fix you up with a Combot and take you through 5 stages of bizzare randomness that secretly teaches you how to not suck in an actual fight. Who knew that caber-tossing Mokujins, wrestling Anna Williams dressed as an octopus and beating up expys of Ken, Ryu and Akuma could teach you so much about playing fighting games?
But that's not all. Going through Fight Lab earns you a special currency separate from the in-game G currency. These points are spent on pimping out your Combot with moves from other characters. Want Heihachi's spin kick, Ogre's wings and Bob's wierd Shoryuken thing? You can have that! Then take your robotic masterpiece online and find out how much of an overpowered monster he is! Go, Combot, Go! We all believe in you!
3. Free DLC Characters
Remember Street Fighter X Tekken, when Capcom was forcing us to empty our wallets for twelve extra characters already on the disc? That wasn't cool. Namco has the right idea - all the DLC characters are completely free of charge, and you don't even need them to enjoy the game properly! So you don't need to have Kunimitsu, Michelle Chang or Angel on your roster, but if you want them, there they are. Go get them. Then play Slim Bob and troll your friends online. Or play Dr. Bosconovitch and relive the good old days. At least you don't have to pay for that shit, right?
2. The Intro Movie
If the sight of Ogre bursting out of the arena floor and spitting fire at a screaming crowd doesn't get you pumped for this game, you are a jaded person. Also, again, the music is just boss - a remix of the classic Tekken Tag Tournament theme that's three times more awesome than the original. Other sights include Lili and Asuka stuck in a lift, Nina and Anna doing their usual thing and Jinpachi infiltrating a taxi cab to get to the tournament. Of all the reasons you should at least give this game a look-over, this alone should convince you.
But even this cinematic masterpiece cannot live up to the epic that is...
1. Tiger Jackson, Bitches
I don't care what you say about any other character in the game. I don't care if Jin's your bog-standard anime anti-hero with superpowers, if Leo is a boy or a girl or if Lars is more tourney-viable. None of them will live up to the sheer, unbridled, "your argument is now invalid" badassery that is Tiger Jackson. Tiger is the kind of man who would listen to Jin whine about his lot in life, casually say "Cool story, bro," and then go out and buy drinks for everyone with his credit card. That's how chill he is.
Look at him. Look at his retro shades, flashy lights and tacky jeans. Look at him busting out his disco dance styles in the middle of the fight and going whoo. This is a man with testicles the size of Texas. He just plain doesn't give a shit about who or what you are. In a fighting tournament that lets you get away with being a robot, a dinosaur or a giant demon with snakes for an arm, Tiger Jackson still has time to break it down right there in the arena, simply because that's what he does. So what if he's an Eddy Gordo pallete-swap? He's still more awesome than rich bitch Lili or grumpy old Feng Wang. Play Tiger Jackson.
So there you have it. Without pulling out the kind of jargon that leaves Scotty scratching his head, five excellent reasons for checking out Tekken Tag Tournament 2. There's loads more I could mention, but then you'd be spending more time reading this thing and less time going out and actually getting the game. Just do it already.
A word of warning, though. Watch out for the swimsuit DLC costumes. Some things aren't meant to be seen by the mortal eye.
Except now you have seen it OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE D:
Vile, the
head scientist of the Inferno Corps, jumps at the sound of the booming voice
that echoes around the room. "A-at once, my Lord!" he stammers,
grabbing a cloth from his workbench and running over to the source of the
command.
This
happens to be large glass tank lodged into the wall of the room, surrounded by
various pressure dials, switches and other strange gizmos. In this tank,
floating in a bubbling mixture of chemicals and preservatives, is a brain. And
not just any brain - this is the brain of someone who had decided that dying
was an optional extra in the great restaurant of life. Someone who had
something weighing so heavily on ther minds that they stuck their middle finger
up at Grandfather Death for the sake of getting it over and done with.
In short,
this was a man with a huge personal grudge.
"To
think," snarls the voice of Jonah, "that those mutant freaks from the
King of Beast could have reduced me to this! To defy my claim to
their squalid dimension was bad enough, but to destroy my mortal body
and render me helpless like this is a crime beyond all reckoning! I
cannot move or feel or see, and it is all because of those hapless lowlifes!"
"They
made a mistake in crossing you," encourages Vile as he runs the cloth over
the glass of the tank. "And they shall all suffer because of it. Your
fellow Arbiters were foolish to imprison you here - now you have access to
every sample of alien tech that ever landed here!"
"Indeed!"
The laugh that rolls from the wall-mounted speakers is of the patented,
sinister type. "And my latest plan will ensure that I will take my revenge
against those misfits and conquer their dimension in one swift stroke!
Tonight, the King of Beasts falls!"
The evil
laughter that echoes round Castle Vergil goes on for many minutes.
-----
~The King
of Beasts Speakeasy, Zoofights City, Our World~
"It
wass my turn to take out the garbage lasst week, russtbucket!"
"No,
it was mine, chopper-face!"
Gezora
the Squid, bartender of the King of Beasts, sighs in irritation as it polishes
a glass. These frankly stupid arguments had been going on for at least two
weeks now, and the fact that it had been the same two people every
single time only made it even more annoying. This latest quarrel - the third
one today so far - was the last straw as far as the mollusc was concerned.
Setting its task aside for the moment, it swings around to face the
perpetrators, its many stomachs sloshing with the motion.
"Gezora
will politely ask you two," it grumbles, "to shut up. The next time
Gezora asks, it will eat you both."
The
guilty parties, a squat green robot in scuba gear and a tall reptillian
humanoid, shoot angry glares at Gezora. Neither one had been particularly
cheerful that morning, and the squid's interruption of their spat has done
nothing to improve their moods.
"Don't
look at me, Gez!" retorts the short robot. "It's not my fault
Pech has to act all high-and-mighty when it's his turn to do the chores!"
"And it iss not my
fault, Oceanuss," hisses Pech, red eyes learing down upon the robot,
"if you are a lazy pile of sscrap who sshirkss hiss dutiess!"
"You
want to say that to my fist, reptile breath?!" Oceanus raises one
iron-plated fist in a threat.
"Gezora
cannot believe what it is hearing!" The giant squid throws up both
tentacles in exasperation, beak clacking audibly. "Gezora thought you two
were supposed to be part of a secret superhero team! Instead, Gezora finds you
squabbling like children!"
"Gezora's
right, you guys!"
Pech and
Oceanus turn towards the source of the voice - the arcade. Leaning against the
door frame, a slice of pizza in one hand, is the angelic warrior Pit. The angel
has not been in the bar as long as the other two patrons, but he is smart
enough to realize that there is a problem between the two, and one that needs
to be sorted. Robot and Space Marine glare at the young boy as he takes another
bite from his meal.
"You
can't keep fighting like this," continues Pit through a mouthful of cheesy
goodness. "If you want to do your bit as part of the Beast Heroes, you're
going to have to learn to work together. And besides, I already took the trash
out, so this argument was basically pointless."
"Eassy
for you to ssay, Featherss," retorts Pech with an ugly laugh. "I
would rather fall on my own gladiuss than desspoil my honour working with thiss
malformed lump of circuitry!"
"For
booting up cold, Pech!" Oceanus thumps a table with a steel fist, leaving
a sizeable dent in the woodwork. "You're not in the Void anymore! All this
'honour' crap doesn't fly when people work in a team! You, of all people, show
know this - you commanded a legion back then!"
Pech
rounds on Oceanus with a furious hiss, but never gets to say anything before
the gang are deafened by loud, blaring alarms. The room flashes with red as
warning lights flicker on and off, and sudden panic flares through the
expressions of everyone present. These alarms can mean only one thing.
"ALERT!
ALERT!" blares the voice of Sentinel, the King of Beast's
hyper-intelligent computer system. "DIMENSIONAL BREACH DETECTED!"
Almost in
an instant, doors fly open as other patrons rush into the bar, alerted to the
trouble by Sentinel's disturbing report. Jonesy, wife of esteemed billionaire
Erebus Svilzerian, dashes in from the ladies' bathroom, still carrying her
makeup kit in one hand. Widow Maker, proffessional giant mantis and part-time
bounty hunter, buzzes in through the front doors in anticipation of adventures.
And last but not least, the ghostly warrior Jumpropeman shirked his usual
method of teleporting through walls to fly through the open doorway to the back
room, where lots of silly technological gadgets are kept.
"What's
going on?!" hollers Jonesy, hurridley wiping blusher from her face so
no-one would ask what she had been up to.
"Sentinel's
detected a dimensional rift from the Mirror Dimension," shouts Jumpropeman
over the blaring alarms. "Overlord Jonah's up to no good again!"
"Lower
the Viewscreen!" bellows Pech.
Immediately,
Sentinel turns off the alarms, leaving a ringing sensation in the ears of all
present as they adjust to the silence. At the same time, a panel in the roof
swings down to reveal a massive, flat screen, which Sentinel powers on with a
flash of light. A satellite map of the city, taken from images intercepted by
the computer’s systems, appears on the screen, and close examination reveals
red dots surrounding one particular area of the map.
“He’s
sent in his troops to raid the Major’s Mausoleum!” Widow Maker cries, antennae
twitching in disbelief as she scans the images. “There’s a wealth of alien
technology in that place – dimensional discombobulators, X-Enzyme missiles,
Murducken Kitchen Brutalizers and who knows what else!”
“Imagine,”
snarls Pech, clenching one gloved fist in rage. “An entire army’s worth of
weaponry in the hands of that evangelical madman. The city would be brought to
its knees in seconds!”
“Then you
have no time to waste!” Gezora swings it’s bulk to face the bargoers. “Gezora
commands that you morsels must get to the Mausoleum and stop them before they
get anything valuable! Gezora will run out of customers if they succeed!”
Jonesy is
the first to leap into action, dashing over to the counter and pulling out a
hidden drawer from within the woodwork. Inside this compartment are five
strange devices that resemble the stylized heads of animals – a lion, a shark,
a snake, a mantis and a falcon. These are the Beast Changers, powerful gizmos
designed by the otherworldly mechanic Celestia for use in circumstances such as
these. In a rush, the blonde-haired heroine has thrown a Changer to each of her
four other companions, each one catching them and strapping them to their wrists.
“Move
out, team!” barks Jonesy as she puts on her own Beast Changer. “We’ve got
drones to demolish!”
“And
hopefully,” adds Oceanus as he joins the team in dashing out of the bar, “I’ll
get to punch that smug jarhead Jonah in the face!”
“That
honour belongss to me, trasshcan!”
The two
continue to argue as they leave, their shouting voices growing faint as they
head down the street. With a heavy sigh, Pit finishes his pizza and heads over
to the counter, leaning over to whisper in whatever Gezora has for an ear.
“Think
they’ll ever settle their differences?” he enquires.
“Gezora
says either they work together,” rumbles the giant mollusc, “or they argue and
die. Gezora doesn’t care which right now.”
And with
that, the squid shuffles over to the other end of the counter, serving drinks
to the shadowy patrons who don’t converse with our heroes. Pit stares after the
retreating bulk, then shrugs and hops over to the Viewscreen, which unfolds a
keyboard and other cool switches as he approaches. From here, Pit begins to
monitor the progress of the gang, represented on the map as green dots moving
quickly down the lane.
One
person hasn’t offered to move. Sitting in his corner, Jaxx Tantra stares at the
doorway the five have left by, taking a swig of cheap whisky.
“Fucking
idiots,” he mutters.
-----
It isn’t
long before the four have reached the centre of Zoofights City, where the
Major’s Mausoleum is. This crumbling monument to the military hippo has been
here for as long as anyone can remember, stoic and unchanging as the rest of
the city grew and flourished around it. Inside are relics of Zoofights past and
gone, and some that may have happened in some freaky alternate timeline but we
can’t be sure. But the point is, every single thing on display has the capacity
to reduce civilization to rubble and caveman tribes, or at least take someone’s
face off in some horrible way.
Which is
exactly why the blank, faceless androids are looting it! By the time the five
have arrived, the general public have fled, leaving the automatons to do as
they please with the building. As they diligently smash windows and pile their
ill-gotten gains outside the main entrance, each one glints in the sunlight,
the mark of a two-headed eagle clutching a sword and scabbard visible on their
chests! This mark is one that the five are extremely familiar with, and one
that at least two of the assembled would sooner forget!
“Watchers,”
growls Jonesy, clenching her fists. “This is Jonah’s work. alright.”
“But what
could that pickled freak possibly want with the things in the Mausoleum?”
wonders Jumpropeman as he observes the mechanical minions at work.
“Who
cares?” Widow Maker is practically dancing on the spot, her claws swinging this
way and that. “We’ve got a job to do, gang!”
“Let’s do
this, team!” hollers Jonesy.
Then, in
a move that would have surprised anyone present, the five calls out the battle
cry:
“BEAST HEROES, TRANSFORM!”
And in
complete sync, they take up identical stances and grip a key-like protrusion on
their respective Beast Changers. Each one then twists their respective Changer
Keys, activating just one of the many systems installed within their devices!
The Beast Changers glow with eye-hurting, multi-coloured light, which swiftly envelopes
their wielders as the five undergo a startling transformation!
Their
optics shorted by the light, the Watchers are unable to pinpoint its source,
and therefore can do nothing to prevent it. By the time it dissipates and their
sensors recover, the fabricated foot soldiers find themselves staring at their
inevitable undoing! Where once stood five, completely unrelated weirdoes, there
now stands the greatest team of heroes Zoofights City has ever known, each
dressed their respective colour of spandex outfit and matching helmet! Jonesy
is dressed in fiery red; Widow Maker is clad in pink, Jumpropeman in yellow,
Pech in a rather obvious green, and Oceanus a watery blue!
As one,
the five pose heroically and give out the old battle cry that strikes fear into
the processors of their foes:
“BEAST HEROES! ASSEMBLE!”
And the
battle begins as the five Beast Heroes charge at the Watchers!
Jonesy,
the Red Lion Hero, heads straight for the leading Watcher, marked out by a
golden faceplate that distinguishes it from its companions. The mechanical mook
sees her approaching, and quickly lashes out with a powerful punch, trying to
intercept the incoming heroine! But it is all for naught – ducking under the
blow, Jonesy responds with a vicious uppercut to the robotic chin that crumples
the metal and damages the vital circuits within! The Watcher staggers back
before collapsing to the ground, sparks shooting from the top of its head!
Jumpropeman,
the Yellow Falcon Hero, quickly finds himself surrounded by a group of
Watchers. With speed that no living man could accomplish, the ghost whips out
his trusty Jump Rope weapon, spinning in a circle like a top and demolishing
the majority of his attackers in one go! But two of them still remain, and with
a whirr of gears they make a spirited leap in an attempt to bring the noble
spirit down! In their haste, they forget who they are dealing with –
Jumpropeman vanishes in an instant, and the two Watchers crash into one
another, collapsing in a tangle heap of broken metal!
Pech, the
Green Snake Hero, and Oceanus, the Blue Shark Hero, are still in competition
even as they wade into the melee! The Space Marine strikes out with his trusty
gladius, decapitating many Watchers at once, while the robot makes do with his
powerful fists, knocking down many more of the die-cast devils as they try in
vain to defend themselves! This eventually comes to a head as, at the same time,
they both despatch the same unit at the same time, and the unfortunate robot
collapses with a crushed head and a hole in his chest! The two heroes round on
each other, glaring.
“That one
was mine, Scale Belly!” hollers Oceanus.
“Your
assisstance wass unrequired, Junkyard!” hisses Pech. But neither can continue
the argument before more Watchers surround them, and the two rivals have to
defend themselves from the surprisingly powerful blows!
Widow
Maker, the Pink Mantis Hero, knows she is too frail to attempt a direct
assault. Instead, she activates her stealth cloak, sneaking up on another group
of Watchers trying to move a heavy canister of BMA’s down the stairs. The
synthetic soldiers don’t even register the approaching mantis until it is too
late – in one swift motion, the heroic bug lashes out with her razor-sharp
claws, slicing through metal and wiring like hot butter! The broken robots
collapse in a shower of sparks, and Widow Maker quickly grabs the canister and
shoves it back into the building, ensuring it hasn’t been damaged by her own
attack.
In a few
moments, each and every last one of the Watchers has been destroyed. The five
Beast Heroes assemble in a circle, keeping their guard up in case more of the
mechanical minions arrive on the scene. But a loud CRACK sound allays their fears as the remains of their foes vanish
in a flash of orange light – the ruined Watchers have been teleported away, and
a retreat like that means no more are forthcoming. As the team relaxes for the
moment, Jonesy reaches to the side of her helmet and presses a button, opening
a comlink back to the bar.
“We got
‘em, Pit,” she reports. “All the stuff is safe and those Watchers were reduced
to scrap!”
“Good
work!” cries Pit from his position at the Viewscreen. “Now, get that stuff back
in the mausoleum and-”
The com
feed is cut in a burst of static that makes Jonesy wince. It was rare for any
of the Beast Heroes to suddenly lose contact with the home base, so for the
coms to suddenly lose connection like that is worrying. But most worryingly of
all, an entirely different voice crackles in – one that rumbles like a bolder
rolling down a hill with evil on its mind!
“I’ve
been waiting for you, Beast Heroes!” sneers the voice of Overlord Jonah. “Now,
prepare to face your doom!”
The Beast
Heroes look up just in time to see a dark portal rip open, right above the
Major’s Mausoleum…
(You won't believe how many Power Rangers and Super Sentai themes I had to listen to in order to get in the right mindset for this thing. Now, if you excuse me, I have to drink cider until I become insane enough to write Part 2.)
