Useless Disturbing Nature Facts 2 - Everything is Evil

As we all know, Nature is wierd. It gives us giant venemous lizards, bees that have gangbangs, shrimps with guns and octopi with penis arms. But sometimes, you have to look at some of the things evolution has given us and wonder if Mother Gaia still harbours some kind of grudge for paving over all her beautiful green fields and whatnot. Because sometimes, animals and plants don't just turn out wierd. They turn out completely sadistic, the kind of things you don't want to see in a dark alleyway and make Jeff the Killer seem like a cheery kid's bedtime story.

So without further adieu, Useless Disturbing Nature Facts 2 - Everything is Evil.

• Strangler Figs are evil because they do just exactly what their name implies. Once they germinate in the branches of a tree, they wind their massive roots down the trunk and into the ground, whilst spreading their own leaves up above the tree's own leaves. The roots basically girdle the tree - that is, they cut off the supply of nutrients from the roots by crushing the xylem in the bark - whilst stealing water and nutrients from the tree's roots, while the leaves steal the sunlight the original tree needs. For comparison, imagine being slowly strangled to death whilst some other jerk eats your food and watches your T.V. So basically, children like to play hide-and-seek in the roots of serial killers.
• Coral Snakes are evil because they all look alike. It's not enough for them to be incredibly venomous to the point of being lethal to humans, they've also got to have very similar patterns of red, black, white and yellow bands on their bodies to advertise what massive jerks they are. In fact, many unrelated species of coral snake share remarkably similar patterns, reinforcing the protection both species share. It's gotten to the point where the birds that used to prey on them are scared to death of anything remotely patterned like a coral snake.
• Golden Eagles are evil because they eat tortoises. That doesn't sound so bad - after all, they gotta eat somehow. The problem is that the eagles go out of their way to make the tortoises' final moments as painful as possible. See, trying to open a tortoise's shell is like opening a tin with your fingers, so what the eagle does is snatch up a tortoise, carry it as high as they can and then drop it onto a collection of sharp rocks to break the shell. Now, keep in mind that the shell of a tortoise is part of it's body - the spine and ribs form the distinct dome shape you associate with the animal. The eagles are basically ripping the tortoises in half. For such a glorified bird, that's kind of a dick move.
• Special mention goes to the Red-Backed Shrike of Britain, which has some seriously fucked-up eating habits. These cute little balls of feathers keep larders of food, which consist of corpses impaled on the thorns of bushes like a serial killer's art collection. What's even more disturbing is that they also use this larder to impress potential mates as well, with only the freshest corpses standing a chance. It's like trying to get a girlfriend who likes you because you have the posters for only the latest slasher films on your wall. Let that sink in for a moment.
• Wolverines are evil because... well, let's put this into perspective. This thing is about 42 inches long and weighs about 25 kilograms. And yet it's prey includes such animals as caribou, sheep, deer, elk and moose. Animals that are at the most three times it's own weight. They do this by climbing onto rocky outcrops, and then jumping onto their backs when they pass by. These things even routinely hunt bears, using the same tactic and biting them over and over until they die of blood loss and exhaustion. Of all the animals to base a beloved Marvel comics character on, the wolverine has to be the most psychotic.
• Toothpick Fish are evil because they render you sterile. I'm not even joking. What they do is that they swim around in a circle, trying to sense traces of urea in the water from the gills of another, bigger fish. Then they slip inside the fish's gills, stab them with their dorsal spines until the blood starts flowing, and then drink it up. Now, what part of the human body produces urea that would be a likely target for a hungry toothpick fish? You're welcome.
• Cane Toads are evil because they're randy bastards. To elaborate - Davian behaviour is the scientific term for necrophilia in the animal kingdom. In most cases, it's instinctual, and the animal involved probably doesn't even realize that hot tail their after isn't so much hot as cold. But the cane toad not only humps corpses - it humps corpses of any animal, regardless of species. Not just other frogs and toads, but snakes, lizards, salamanders and small mammals as well. Imagine Dirk if he lost all his inhibitions - wait, on second thoughts, don't.
• Mantidflies are evil because their babies eat spider babies. What the mantidfly does is that it catches a spider, but doesn't kill it - it lays its egg on the spider's abdomen, just where it can't reach. Then, when the spider lays eggs and weaves a protective silk ball around them, the mantidfly larva sneaks in and eats them up before they hatch. Granted, they're ridding the world of more spiders, which is a good thing, but just imagine what the spider mother must feel when she finds out what happened. That's just cold, Mantidfly.

Next time on Useless Disturbing Nature Facts - the prehistoric fish that moves faster than a car!

Escape

Imagine, if you can, a sky without stars.

It's not that hard, really. If you live in the city, or have been fortunate to go out into the city at night, you'll know very well what it looks like. All that light from the streetlamps blocks out the light from the stars, turning it completely black. Not a speck or spot of those cosmic pinpricks is visible - the whole thing is a shadowy canvas stretching from horizon to horizon as far as you can see, the depth of which you can only estimate as you gaze up at it.

With me so far? Good. Now, try to imagine that in the middle of the day.

12:20, to be precise. Because that is the exact time this story begins.

Look down.

At this time, on this world, Rutledge Asylum and Foster Home for the Gifted is the only source of light here. The whole building is a mass of metallic cylinders, lumped together as if a child has squashed his plasticine sausages into a bunch, and the beams of the searchlights glancing off its curved surfaces lend the entire construct an ethereal, almost beacon-like glow in the darkness surrounding it. Every window is alight, each one an eye gazing down into the blackness around it, as if daring some monstrous thing to come out and challenge it. The asylum, in a nutshell, is glowing.

And baying with the sound of alarms.

Zoom in.

-------

"YOU ARE A PAIR OF DRUNKEN LUNATICS!"

The words aren't so much shouted as yowled, although it's hard to tell where exactly it came from over the roar of the engine. The vehicle is a jeep in the same sense that a child's stick figure is realistic human anatomy - the crudely bolted-together lumps of metal only bear a passing resemblance to the original article, and black smoke belches from places it probably shouldn't belch from. The entire thing rattles and shakes as it swerves back and forth on the bumpy forest road, and the many, many near brushes with the surrounding trees suggests the driver isn't entirely there, either. The whole ensemble reeks of oil and ozone.

A head and shoulders lean out of one of the windows, black hair whipping in the wind, and whoops as a fist is lifted in the classic victory gesture.

"Faster, Carol, faster!" it screams. "I can still hear their sirens!"

"YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO HEAR THEM," retorts the original voice from within, "IF THIS THING WRAPS ITSELF AROUND A REDWOOD! SLOW DOWN!"

"Aw, come on, Crusoe!" pipes up a third, female voice from the driver's seat. "Why don'tcha try livin' a little? WHEEEE~"

The thing swerves dangerously, and there is a hiss of metal as it scrapes another tree, bark flying. The sound is matched in volume only by the animalistic shriek of terror from within as the tail end swings out far too much to be safe in any degree. Carol, if that is the driver's name, seems to pay no mind to this, merely laughing in glee as she steers the vehicle on it's careening path. Only the sputtering headlights on the front give any indication or warning of the terrain ahead, and it's highly unlikely the driver is in any state to pay it any attention.

"ROBERT!" howls the voice of Crusoe from within the back of the jeep. "WAKE UP, ROBERT, FOR GOD'S SAKE!"

The only response to this panicked yelling is a groan, barely audible over the thundering of the ramshackle engine. But it's the sort if groan that immediately communicates that all is not well with the person it belongs to, and it tells Crusoe, whoever he is, all he needs to know about his friend's current situation.

"SPARKLE?! DANIEL, YOU LET HIM TAKE SPARKLE ON TOP OF ALL THAT ALCOHOL?!"

"Hey, he was the one," retorts the man leaning out the window, "who said we couldn't do this! And now... now look at us! Those fucker's can't possibly catch us now!"

Something within the belly of the vehicle begins to glow.

"We fucking escaped from Rutledge, man!" shouts Carol, yanking back on the steering column and leaping their conveyance over a ditch. "We're fucking KINGS!"

The stink of ozone is overpowering.

"I SWEAR TO ALL THE NINE CIRCLES, IF WE SURVIVE THIS, I AM GOING TO what smells like time?"

VROP

And then they are gone.

The time is now 12:21. Remember this.

-------

"So you're telling me that three of our patients..."

"Yes, sir."

"...and how many bottles of Scorpion were-?"

"An entire crate, sir."

"...and they took the cat with them?"

"Yes, sir."

"And despite having access to our top-of-the-range helicopters and assault jeeps, you somehow manage to lose them after tracking their shoddily-built escape vehicle for at least two miles?"

"Two and a half miles, sir. It was going pretty fast, sir."

The man sat back and placed a hand to his forehead, groaning.

"Oh, I can just see the paperwork coming in..."

Reaper Man - A Darksiders 2 Poem

Sing with me, folks.

Reaper Man, Reaper Man,
Does whatever a Horseman can.
Doesn't need gun or knife,
'Cause he's got a big scythe.
Look out!
Here comes the Reaper Man!

Is he strong? Look at him!
He's what we call a Nephilim!
Runs on walls, rides a horse,
And kills demons, of course!
Hey there!
There goes the Reaper Man!

From beneath the mask
He seeks out his next head.
So don't dare to ask
If he swings from a thread!

Reaper Man! Reaper Man!
Angry neighbourhood Reaper Man!
Forget War, Fury or Strife!
Killing is this guy's life!

To him
Life is a great big ruckus.
Wherever there's a fracas
You'll find the Reaper Maaaaaaan!

Jack Thompson - A Rant

(WARNING: This post was made at God knows what time in the morning. Hence, there will be a greater amount of swearing, bile and typos than normal. Reader discretion is advised.)

Over the past few weeks, a combination of University stress and general boredom have been causing my tension levels to rise to somewhat uncomfortable levels. And although I have managed to let off a good whine or two in Chatzy about problems that apparently only I can see, I haven't had anything that has been actually worth getting angry about come up in conversation yet. What I need at the moment is a good long rant - something to blow off steam and help me calm down and not lash out at my good RP buddies.

So thank you, Jack Thompson. Thank you for this chance to unwind by calling you a psychotic little dickbend.

I know people will say I'm beating a dead horse - making fun of the recently disbarred, anti-gamer attorney general is nothing if not low-hanging fruit, after all. But up until now, I've always assumed that the man was at least sane in some degree, if a little bit misguided in his attempts to censor gaming culture. Then I discovered his page on Wikiquote, and Jesus Crunchy Christ on a pogo stick, all of what I could only call "tolerance" for the man went out of the window faster than Max Fucking Payne doing another of his crazy bullet-time stunts. If the page is to be believed, JT is a dangerously unhinged, self-glorifying cock-gobbler with the same grasp on reality God would bestow to the average nematode worm. Except that would be an insult to nematode worms - at least they have some sort of function in the natural world.

I'm not going to link to the page, because I assume everyone reading this has access to Google at the very least, but here's the general gist for you people. This man, this lowlife masquerading in human form, has literally come to believe that the word "gamer", a term tentatively used even in the best of circumstances, denotes some kind of fantastical fucking religious movement or subhuman species. He literally claims that gamers are incapable of rational though or reasoning because Grand Theft Auto is a brainwashing device, apparently, and that anyone who plays games is a future Boston Strangler or Columbine Massacrer waiting to burst from it's cocoon like some filthy fly. He has blamed Half-Life, one of the greatest PC games of all time, for the Virginia Tech massacre, not even bothering to do his research beforehand, and talks down at gamers as though they're Alice in fucking Wonderland, claiming they are incapable of connecting with reality where "grown-ups" get this done. And all the while, the smug bastard constantly builds himself up as an avatar of God, a righteous, infallible messenger sent to cleanse the world of the sinful gamer plague and rid the world of anything that might damage our children's minds. Oh, and he sometimes talks in third-person, just in case he doesn't sound retarded enough.

Most of the time, I would just laugh. As someone who doesn't play video games that much, yet sympathises deeply with the problems facing today's gaming culture, I would merely tolerate the ravings of this senile old fogey trying to prove his law degree wasn't a complete waste of money. The self-glorification, the flimsy arguments, the ham-handed attempts at enforcing what little legal power he has - I would have been able to dismiss it all as the ramblings of a harmless old wierdo and move on, confidently playing Mortal Kombat safe in the knowledge that I would not be inspired to slice up my classmates, no matter what the Daily Mail says.

And then I saw the quote comparing gamers to the fucking Hitler Youth.

Listen up, you pasty-faced, shit-spewing old fart. You can call gamers many things. You can call us fat nerds who don't get out much and subsist on pizza and Wotsits (the Brit equivalent of Cheetos). You can call us wierd for forgoing human compansionship for a few hours just to beat those last few levels on Call of Duty. But when you have the balls to compare us to the subjects of an evil brainwashing scheme created by history's biggest prick, that's where you cross the fucking line. That's where you shut your giant twat-mouth up, take a good step back and listen to what the fuck you're saying, because at that point you begin to sound exactly like the brain-damaged future serial killers you have invented in your ongoing quest to demonise an important setting stone in cultural development. I'm not joking - you sound exactly like your dipshit of a mother dropped you on your head when you were a baby, which wouldn't surprise me.

What you don't seem to realise, you is-dribbling, donkey-headed circus child, is that there is no actual conspiracy behind the gaming movement, despite whatever your mad ocelot god may tell you. Games companies do not have some massive machinations in place to turn us all into mindless zombie slaves in the hopes of one day taking over the world like a James Bond villain. Zelda was not created to train us in sword-fighting, because Link's sword fighting technique bears as much resemblance to the real article as my arse does to the Turin Shroud. Games companies exist, first and foremost, to make money, like every other company does. And they do this by creating products that we can enjoy and talk about, like every other company. And to imply that this is the same as Hitler covertly teaching little children army drills and to hate anything other than blond-haired, blue-eyed Supermen is not only incredibly fucking disrespectful to the memory of those who suffered in Nazi Germany, it's also incredibly disrespectful to the video games companies who don't even have or want the kind of resources required to raise their own private armies. Simultaneously insulting and offensive in one backhanded middle finger. Well fucking done.

And it's not even like you've got any evidence to clarify that point, either. You've just made the assumption because you want to feel good about yourself. You want to demonise gaming culture so you can jerk off to how clever you think you've just been, because why would a messenger of God need to prove that all gamers are psychos? Have you not ever heard of games that don't involve pointing a gun at something? Like Tetris? Oh, wait, you'd probably invent some bullshit about how Tetris is a Freudian symbol for anal sex and therefore is unconstitutional. You're building your entire argument around a stereotype that is both completely incorrect in the majority of cases and was almost always based on uninformed, scaremongering dick-baggery, with your head too far up your own arse to realise that you need things called arguments and evidence to back your claims. Admirable, in a way - making your arguments look like a Year 7 student's shitty history essay takes real effort.

Moreover, you need to realise that video games are not some alien force created by Satan to turn us all into the real/life equivalent of the Combine (although that would make a kickass movie if Jack Black and Leonadro DeCaprio were in it). Video games are a huge stepping stone in our evolution as a race, the cutting edge of a whole new form of technological and cultural development - Interactive Media. Now, while I'm not one to claim that games are art because I'm not the right sort of person to debate that issue, such a development is as important to humanity as the day Leonardo Da Vinci scribbled out his first flying machine drawing, as it's one of many measures of how far our technology has come from those days of hiding in caves and stabbing rhinos for breakfast. And as society develops and becomes more accepting of things like sexuality and the occasional knife-fight in a crowded street, games evolve to reflect those changes in attitude. To build this entire ass-backwards campaign based on decrying blood and tits in video games shows that not only are you trapped in the mindset of your childhood past before your first damning changing-room stiffy, but that your are inherently opposed to the development of technology, culture and society. You are literally trying to stop humanity from progressing by pulling the old Godwin's Law farce on us. That is not a thing to be proud of. That is a badge of shame made of frozen turd and you should feel ashamed.

In short, well done, you miserable old fuck. You have finally gotten me angry enough to devote an entire blog post to how manically damaged you really are. I'd end this post by saying thank fuck you've been disbarred, but I personally think that's too good for you. What I think should have been done was that you ought to have been dragged from your home, put out into the middle of the Pacific Ocean, tied to a block of concrete and thrown into the sea. And eventually, your corpse would have reached the stinking slime and rot on the ocean floor that is your real home.

There, I feel much calmer now.

Darksiders 2 - First Impressions

So in my last blog post, I mentioned that I recently purchased Darksiders 2, the parallel sequel to the first Darksiders game, which I reviewed in tandem with Kid Icarus: Uprising in April. And despite not having finished the first game (shut the fuck up Azrael and help me beat this puzzle D:<), I had heard from hearsay and quick peeks at the grownup reviews that Darksiders 2 is a large improvement on the first Darksiders. So on that note, here is a summary of the first few hours of the game.

"I dunno, I still think Jessica might not like all the hair gel..."

Darksiders 2 begins with Death, Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse, riding out into an icy wasteland on his horse Misery with his pet crow Dust. The in-game narration reveals that Death seeks a man known as the Keeper of Secrets in order to clear his brother War of his giagantic whoopsie in Darksiders. After showing off the fancy palace where the Keeper of Secrets lives, the game lets us take control, and the first thing we notice is that Misery is far better than Ruin, War's horse, because he can actually jump. Also, you have him right from the start instead of having to slog through three whole dungeons to find him, which is always a bonus.

So you ride up to the castle, dismount from Misery and climb up some rubble to reach the front porch. Death immediately gets set upon by a duo of axe-wielding ice skeletons, and this is where the combat kicks in. Two major improvements make themselves apparent - firstly, you can see the health meters of the monsters, so you know how much damage you're doing with each swipe of Death's scythes. Secondly, Death is far more agile than War - he can actually dodge things instead of merely sliding out of the way, and pressing jump during combos causes him to launch foes with a backward flip kick, which can link neatly into arial attacks. Overall, much better than mashing buttons until you see the kill prompt come up.

Killing the skeletons reveals another facet of the jewel that is Darksiders 2 - enemies sometimes drop loot, in a manner remeniscient of Diablo and other dungeon crawlers. These range from various sorts of boots and gloves, to secondary weapons like hammers and claws and even new sorts of scythes. Equipping them increases Death's various stats, such as attack and defense, and also factor into the new skill system the game has going on. See, Death can acquire skill points from levelling up, which can be assigned to abilities that he can learn. Each ability factors into one of two playstyles - do you be a vicious Harbringer, wading through enemies in a blur of scythes, or a deadly Necromancer, summoning minions and casting spells to do your bidding? And the equipment you pick can either help or hinder your chosen playstyle in different ways.

But since the first level doesn't say much about it, neither shall I.

Anyway, after killing the skeletons, we move into the interior of the castle, guided by Dust, who acts as the Darksiders version of Navi from Legend of Zelda (but better, as he is a crow and cannot talk).  This is where we are introduced to the parkour system that lets Death navigate chasms and things, and like the combat this is a major improvement on the first game. War could only slide around on ledges and designated hangs - Death runs along walls, swings on beams and climbs up pillars like a grizzled wolverine with greasy hair. It's oddly satisfying to rattle off those button presses and watch the Reaper leap from protrusion to surface in one smooth motion - not Prototype level, but almost wierdly so.

As we guide Spider-Death through the ruined, icy dungeon, Darksiders 2 shows that Joe Madureira, the creative director, still has a knack for comic-book style visuals. An absurd amount of Warhammer 40K-ish detail has gone into the character design and scenery - from the crumbling remains of an angel statue on this one lift that gets stuck halfway through, to the skull-like details on Death's belt and gloves. I've heard people cry foul on this sort of "overdesign", especially since War in the first game looked like a coral reef that had learned to walk, but in an over-the-top fantasy action game like this it works, in a roundabout way. I mean, it's not like you're expected to take it seriously, is it?

Eventually, we reach the first sub-boss - a giagantic ice beast. The creature functions pretty much like your average God of War boss fight - dodge his overly-telegraphed attack and ram your scythes up his butt before he can turn around. And hopefully you brought a hammer or axe with you from killing the random mooks, because you need them to make your long combos and do damage quickly. Eventually, the Ice Giant is bested when Death sprouts skeletal wings, rips his head off and uses it to smash the beast's body to pieces, and frankly I can't think of any better way to spend a lazy summer afternoon.

After this, we reach the Keeper of Secrets - the Crowfather, as he is called. Old Man Crowface knows of a way to clear War's name, but because Death screwed him over by giving him an amulet full of complaining souls, he refuses to help. With no other choice, Death has to fight, and the Crowfather takes the form of War in order to fight back. While this boss battle is similar to the Ice Giant fight, keep in mind that Warfather can strike multiple times and has ranged attacks as well, so you may want to keep a finger on that dodge button and occasionally scarf a health potion. Also, when the quick-time-event pops up, mash X like Woddy Woodpecker or lose half of your health.

Once that's over, Death kills the Crowfather, in a rather dickish move. But then the amulet the Crowfather was carrying explodes, and the shrapnel lodges itself into Death's chest. Screaming in pain, Death collapses as the Crowfather's form disapates, turning into a black portal that consumes our heroric Horseman...

So that was the first level of Darksiders 2. And even from the first hour or so, it shapes up to have many major improvements over it's predecessor. Whilst Darksiders got a lot of flak for basically being Zelda with a somewhat whinier protagonist, Darksiders 2 does just enough to evolve past that, adding enough new things to feel like a proper sequel and to give me a lot of hope for this installment. The fact that it will be coming out on the Wii U sometime soon is proof enough that the series stands out on it's own, although having already brought the XBox 360 version, I will be unable to take advantage of whatever console-exclusive features THQ add.

The same mistake I made with Tekken Tag Tournament 2, apparently.


*Sigh...*

90's Bar - Beast Heroes (Part 2 of 2)

Last time on Beast Heroes, our five defenders of justice had just foiled Overlord Jonah's evil plan to raid the Major's Mausoleum and steal it's weapons! However, it would appear that the Buearaucratic Brain has something special planned for our plucky protagonists! What will happen next? Tune in to find out!

The five Beast Heroes can only stare in horror at the swirling black portal opening above the Major's Mausoleum. Mere moment's ago, our brave defensers of justice had taken down the squad of Watchers that had attempted to raid the museum and steal it's cargo of deadly weapons. Having assumed that this meant the end of Overlord Jonah's newest scheme, the five were shocked, therefore, to hear his thunderous voice over the intercom, and to see the portal open above them!

Jonah's voice rumbles in again, smug and confident.

"I suppose," he growls "you think that you've actually foiled my plans this time, Beast Heroes."

"The thought had crossed our minds, Brain-Drain," retorts Oceanus, fists clenched.

"Well, that is where you're wrong!" shrieks the disembodied dictator. "Those Watchers were a mere diversion - I've merely brought you here to test my greatest creations yet!"

And with that, the portal flashes like a lightbulb on it's last legs! One, two, three times and more it flashes, and for every flash something new and monstrous drops in - giagantic mechanical men higher than the Mausoleum itself! With thunderous crashes the titantium titans land upon the ground, the tremors from their impact causing the Beast Heroes to stagger! And as the monsters rise to their feet and turn to the city at large, red eye slits flashing, the two-headed eagle of Jonah's empire is visible on their chests!

"Inquisitors!" howls Jonah in triumph. "Reverse-engineered from the technology of my world! THe strongest weapons in my army - and your death!"

"And you're going to trample the city into submission with them?!" Jonesy's eyes narrow as she observes the Inquistors striding into the city. "Not on our watch!"

Pech steps forward, face twisted into a snarl behind his helmet. "You won't get away with thiss, you megalomaniac!" he roars, shaking a fist at the portal.

"What can you do, traitor?" snarls the tyrant. "Against my Inquisitors, you are naught but ants! Have a nice afterlife, Alpharius Pech!"

And as the portal dissapates, and the mocking laughter of Overlord Jonah vanishes from the comms, the five Beast Heroes have to admit that, for once, their arch-nemesis is right. The Inquisitors are unlike anything they have ever faced - far bigger than the Watchers and most certaintly better equipped! An attack against even one of these die-cast dreadnaughts would be suicide, and the team can only stand and watch as the monsters begin their assault, lasers shooting from their eye slits and reducing the surrounding buildings to rubble!

But just as all hope seems lost, the intercom crackles to life again. And this time, the voice is a welcoming one!

"What the heck happened?" comes Pit's voice. "You guys just vanished off of the radar for a moment there!"

"Jonah's brought in a bunch of giant robots!" hollers Widow Maker. "And they're ripping up the city like it's so much cardboard!"

"This hardly sporting at all!" cries Jumpropeman. "We have to do something, Pit! We can't let that wrinkled old walnut beat us!"

"In that case," retorts Pit grimly, "we're going to need the Beast Machines."

The gasps and exclamations of shock that go around the Beast Heroes would fill a modest paperback.

"Are you inssane?" hisses Pech. "How can we be ssure that thosse infernal contraptionss will be enough to sstop thesse machines!"

"Because Celestia made them for precisely this reason, Snake-Features!" snaps Oceanus. "Jonah brought out the big guns, so we're going to have to as well! Do we really have a choice?!"

The nods and grunts of assent from the others indicate that no, they do not have a choice right now. Seeing that his own comrades have voted against him yet again, Pech deflates, knowing better than to start a punch-up at this moment in time.

"...it'ss worth a try," he says at last.

"Let's go, team!" hollers Jonesy.

And as one, the Beast Heroes strike identical poses, press a fancy button on their Beast Changers and call out:

"BEAST MACHINES! ASSEMBLE!"

The motorway leading into the heart of the city is oddly empty, devoid of the usual traffic that clogs the lanes all day. And small wonder, for a gigantic Semi-trailer truck thunders down both lanes at once, its exhaust vomiting black smoke as it speeds on its reckless way. Only this is no ordinary truck. Reacting to a remote signal from its master, the vehicle deactivates its cloaking device in a surge of firey red light, revealing itself as the mighty Beast Machine, Magna Lion! The beast roars a challenge at its hyrdaulics kick in, picking up speed as it heads straight for the city.

The clouds above the city part as what appears to be a sleek jet fighter thunders down from the sky. But like the Magna Lion before it, the airborne vehicle briefly vanishes in a blaze of yellow light, stealth systems de-activating to reveal the mighty Turbo Falcon! With a thunderous shriek, the mechanical avian swoops down towards the city, jet engines on maximum burn!

Maul Street gets the shock of it's life as an entire subway train bursts out of the asphault. Almost immediately, in a blinding flash of green light, another of the Beast Machines sheds its stealth camoflague and reveals its identity to the world! The imposing Crash Viper weaves through the concrete jungle of Zoofights City, hissing threateningly as its back-mounted guns power up!

The water by Gravitas Docks parts as a submarine surfaces, metal sides gleaming in the sunlight. But once again, it's a mere disguise - a surge of blue light dissapates the illusion, revealing the sleek form of the noble Dive Shark! With a roar and a gnash of metallic teeth, the mechanical marvel activates its built-in jets, lifiting itself out of the water and jetting forward to join it's companions!

All the beasts of the jungle, as mighty as they are, run shrieking in fear as a powerful VTOL ship lifts into the sky, the trees bending back from the force of its jets. But in a pink flash of light, the exterior vanishes as the wonderous Shadow Mantis makes itself known to the world! The Beast Machine chitters as it beats its colourful wings faster, flying up to join its comrades!

"All right!" cries Jonesy as she catches sight of all five giant robots barreling towards the city in formation. "Let's go!"

In unison, the five Beast Heroes press another button on their Changers - this one a special teleporter linked to their respective machines. In a flash of light, each one of the gang vanishes from the street, to reappear seated in their cockpits and ready for battle!

"This is AWESOME!" cries Jonesy, and without warning she grabs the steering sticks and shoves them forward. With a roar, the Magna Lion obeys the command, picking up the pace as it barrels towards the Inquisitors, who are too frightened and amazed to respond! Without pause, the beast bites down onto the leg of one of the giant robots, flinging it into the air and sending it crashing into a nearby skyscraper, a near-irreparable wreck!

"I've always wanted to fly!" whoops Jumpropeman as he practices his flight manouvers. The Turbo Falcon is most certaintly his kind of ride, and in no time at all he is flying rings around a group of Inquitors! With a push of a button, the spectral superhero sends a barrage of laser shots from the robotic avian's beak, each one hitting home and causing the alien constructs to collapse, reduced to useless scrap and wires!

"How do you ssteer thiss warpdamned thing?!" Pech is having less luck - the Crash Viper's controls are strange to the marine, not resembling the alien buttons he is familiar with. As a result, the Green Beast Hero finds himself struggling to steer the serpentine machine in a straight line to attack the Inquisitors. Thankfully, one button press is all it takes to fire the back-mounted artillery cannons, blowing holes in a few more of the mechanical monsters!

"Celestia's really outdone herself!" Oceanus is ecstatic to be commanding such a mighty beast, and steers the Dive Shark towards a lone Inquisitor who has been separated from the group. A barrage of missiles knocks the cybernetic warrior off-balance, just ripe for the tooth-studded maw to clamp down upon its wasit! Lifting him up, Oceanus carries the robotic nemesis over the waters of the bay, wherupon he drops it into the ocean, leaving it to sink like a stone!

"Try and stop us, techno-freaks!" Widow Maker would normally be questioning why her Beast Machine is pink, but she is having far too much fun at the moment. With its stealth camoflague active, the Shadow Mantis slowly creeps towards what appears to be the last two of the Inquistors, before lashing out with its bladed claws! Their heads separated from the rest of them, the cybernetic enforcers plummet to the ground, sparking and hissing!

But just when it seems over, the ground shakes! For one Inquisitor, who apparently has had more proccessing power than his fabricated friends, appears suddenly from behind a skyscraper and charges! The next thing poor Oceanus knows, the mechanical monster has grabbed the Dive Shark by the tail and is swinging it around like a sack of potatoes! Alarms blare and lights flash red in the cockpit as the Blue Beast Hero frantically tries to get free, slamming buttons in the hope of shaking of his iron oppressor!

"Someone give me a hand!" he yells as a console explodes in a shower of sparks!

"HOLD ON!"

The voice over the intercom isn't Joney's authorative voice, or Jumpropeman's jolly tones - it's Pech's hissing! The Inquisitor is so focused on smashing the Dive Shark into skyscrapers and the floor that it fails to notice the Crash Viper approaching, and by then it is too late!

"LEAVE HIM ALONE, COWARD!" roars the alien warrior as he slams a button on the console. With a hissing cry, the steel serpent lunges, burying it's fangs into the titanium titan's leg, causing it to stumble and release the Dive Shark's tail! A fatal error - for almost instantly the Blue Beast Machine whips around and delivers a payload of missiles to the Inquisitor's head, and the once proud machine is reduced to smoking scrap! Finally, with a wrench of it's neck, the Crash Viper sends the ruined robot skidding away into the waters of the bay!

The air fills with loud CRACKs as the remains of the Inquisitors are suddenly teleported away. The battle is won! Overlord Jonah has tekn his ball and ran for home!

"We did it, guys!" whoops Jonesy. And the ecstatic cheering from the Beast Heroes is matched only by the triumphant roar of the Beast Machines.

-----

~Inferno Stronghold, Mirror Dimension~

Commander Vile howls as another blast of electricity sends him flying across the room.

"Incompetent Fool!" roars the brain of Overlord Jonah. "You promised me the Inquisitors were invincible!"

"A m-mere design flaw, my Lord," stammers Vile as he picks himself up, shaking. "I p-p-promise, the next batch will-"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! GET OUT!"

With a yelp, the scientist is forced to drop his cleaning cloth and flee the throne room, leaving the diabolical dictator to simmer in his tank.

"Beast Heroes," he snarls. "You think that just because you now have gaint robots, that makes you safe from me? Well, I beg to differ. This is a minor setback compared to what I will inflict upon you all. Someday," and here his modulated voice rises to a thunderous shriek, "someday I will be revenged on the whole pack of you!"

Lighting flashes ominously outside Castle Vergil as he speaks. Overlord Jonah may be down, but her is certainly not out.

-----
 

~The King of Beasts Speakeasy, Zoofights City, Our World~

 

"Nice save back there, Pech!"

 

"Oh, it wass nothing!"

 

The party taking place at the King of Beasts Speakeasy is nothing short of over the top. Banners, streamers and balloons decorate the walls, and the booze flows freely as our five heroes, not to mention the plucky Pit and good old Gezora, celebrate the foiling of yet another of Overlord Jonah's schemes. And in the middle of it all, Oceanus is congratulating Pech on that amazing save in the battle against the Inquisitors.

 

"Seriously," cries the robot as he hands his friend another glass of cider. "If you hadn't stepped in there, I would have been reduced to scrap!"

 

Pech snorts, waving a hand dismissively. "Well, I wass not going to let that overssized calculator take the honour of sslaying you away from me, wass I? And bessidess, only a coward sstrikess from behind."

 

"Gezora only hopes," rumbles Gezora as he chows down on some conviniently-placed cake, "that you two have finally got your act together!"

 

"That's right!" hollers Jumpropeman over the loud music. "If you guys hand't learned to work together like that, the whole city would have gone down!"

 

"Sspare me the musshy lessonss," growls Pech. "I didn't do it becausse of your 'teamwork' bullsshit."

 

"Whatever you say," retorts Oceanus with a glint in his eye. "But at least do me a favour?"

 

"What would that be?"

 

"After this party, you gotta take the trash out!"

 

The laughter that echoes round the bar at this nearly drowns out the thumping noise of Pech facepalming in exasperation.

 

~NEXT TIME ON BEAST HEROES!~

 

"CAUS!"

"KRONO!"

"QUAN!"

 

Is it true? Have the legendary Time Knights finally turned to evil? Has Overlord Jonah finally got the better of the Beast Heroes? And who's the mysterious black knight from Celestia's past? One thing's for certain - Zoofights City's not big enought for two superhero teams! Join us next time as the two mightiest hero teams clash for the first time ever! Only on Z.T.V.!

 

(I am so sorry this took as long as it did to come out. But trust me, university is a thing that happens to us all, as well as writer's block. Maybe the hypothetical episode detailed above will only take a year to make, eh?

 

Also, just started playing Darksiders 2. I must say, it's gratifying to play a charcter who can actually dodge an attack for once, instead of sliding a few meters to the left of a giagantic axe being swung at his head. But more on that later.)

5 Reasons You Should Be Playing Tekken Tag Tournament 2 Right Now

So I got Tekken Tag Tournament 2 yesterday. And it's awesome. And because I'm that sort of person, I'm going to shamelessly plug it and tell you why you should be buying it right now, even if you're not that good at fighting games. But unlike all those other times I've mentioned fighting games and sperged about the in-depth mechanics and whatnot, I'm going to throw the five best parts of the game at you that have nothing to do with actually playing the game. I dunno, maybe some of this will appeal to you.

5. The Music

 

Listen to this. LISTEN TO IT. It's catchy, it's bouncy and you'll have it in your head all damned day. It's like something you could find playing in an actual club somewhere. And that's just the character select screen - the whole game is loaded with amazing pieces that you'll find yourself listening to again and again. Jin's remixed theme from Tekken 3 will get you pumped as all hell, whilst the Customize screen music is all smooth and relaxing. Most of them are by Namco's Akitaka Tohyama, but a fair chunk of them, like the Fiji and Christmas stage themes, are made by other artists, like sanodg and Keiichi Obake. All of them are amazing.

4. Combot and Fight Lab

Say you've picked up Tekken Tag Tournament 2 as your first 3D fighter, and you're a cack-handed button masher who can barely play Street Fighter anyway. That's okay - just head right to the Fight Lab, where Lee Chaolan will fix you up with a Combot and take you through 5 stages of bizzare randomness that secretly teaches you how to not suck in an actual fight. Who knew that caber-tossing Mokujins, wrestling Anna Williams dressed as an octopus and beating up expys of Ken, Ryu and Akuma could teach you so much about playing fighting games?

But that's not all. Going through Fight Lab earns you a special currency separate from the in-game G currency. These points are spent on pimping out your Combot with moves from other characters. Want Heihachi's spin kick, Ogre's wings and Bob's wierd Shoryuken thing? You can have that! Then take your robotic masterpiece online and find out how much of an overpowered monster he is! Go, Combot, Go! We all believe in you!

3. Free DLC Characters

 

Remember Street Fighter X Tekken, when Capcom was forcing us to empty our wallets for twelve extra characters already on the disc? That wasn't cool. Namco has the right idea - all the DLC characters are completely free of charge, and you don't even need them to enjoy the game properly! So you don't need  to have Kunimitsu, Michelle Chang or Angel on your roster, but if you want them, there they are. Go get them. Then play Slim Bob and troll your friends online. Or play Dr. Bosconovitch and relive the good old days. At least you don't have to pay for that shit, right?

2. The Intro Movie

If the sight of Ogre bursting out of the arena floor and spitting fire at a screaming crowd doesn't get you pumped for this game, you are a jaded person. Also, again, the music is just boss - a remix of the classic Tekken Tag Tournament theme that's three times more awesome than the original. Other sights include Lili and Asuka stuck in a lift, Nina and Anna doing their usual thing and Jinpachi infiltrating a taxi cab to get to the tournament. Of all the reasons you should at least give this game a look-over, this alone should convince you.

But even this cinematic masterpiece cannot live up to the epic that is...

1. Tiger Jackson, Bitches

I don't care what you say about any other character in the game. I don't care if Jin's your bog-standard anime anti-hero with superpowers, if Leo is a boy or a girl or if Lars is more tourney-viable. None of them will live up to the sheer, unbridled, "your argument is now invalid" badassery that is Tiger Jackson. Tiger is the kind of man who would listen to Jin whine about his lot in life, casually say "Cool story, bro," and then go out and buy drinks for everyone with his credit card. That's how chill he is.

Look at him. Look at his retro shades, flashy lights and tacky jeans. Look at him busting out his disco dance styles in the middle of the fight and going whoo. This is a man with testicles the size of Texas. He just plain doesn't give a shit about who or what you are. In a fighting tournament that lets you get away with being a robot, a dinosaur or a giant demon with snakes for an arm, Tiger Jackson still has time to break it down right there in the arena, simply because that's what he does. So what if he's an Eddy Gordo pallete-swap? He's still more awesome than rich bitch Lili or grumpy old Feng Wang. Play Tiger Jackson.

So there you have it. Without pulling out the kind of jargon that leaves Scotty scratching his head, five excellent reasons for checking out Tekken Tag Tournament 2. There's loads more I could mention, but then you'd be spending more time reading this thing and less time going out and actually getting the game. Just do it already.

A word of warning, though. Watch out for the swimsuit DLC costumes. Some things aren't meant to be seen by the mortal eye.



Except now you have seen it OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE D: