Movies to Get Drunk By

There are good movies, bad movies, and then there are movies so hilariously bad it's painful to watch them. Wherever it's low quality special effects, idiotic acting or a laughably idiotic premise, these films usually sell for £5 in HMV and are barely even touched by any sane man. And no two names in the the micro-industry of straight-to-DVD disaster films embody this better than The Asylum and Roger Corman.

While the Asylum is better known for creating crappy rip-offs of popular films so short-sighted grandmas can hand over their cash, of late they've been competing with Roger Corman to see who can create the worst low-budget sci-fi monster flick in existance. And all of them make for great riffing if you get into the right mindset - or, in some cases, if you've had enough shots for the films to make sense. So, if you ever need a crappy film to swig whiskey by, here's six loads of cheap laughs for your drunken enjoyment (hopefully before you smash the disk with a mallet in your stupor).

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (2011)
by The Asylum

The Premise: When giant pythons begin devouring everything and everyone they can catch, the only solution seems to be to grow equally giant alligators to kill them off.

Why it Fails: Not counting the fact that this is basically the worst attempt at pest control ever, the film tries to tug our nostalgia synapses by throwing in 80's popstars Debbie Gibson and Tiffany into leading roles. Sadly, because the target audience has never even heard of these two, this falls flatter than a pancake. Not even a catfight between these ladies can save this movie.

Look Out For: The aformentioned cat-fight between the leading ladies. Meanwhile, the film makes an extremely clumsy attempt at self-deprecating humour when one of the pythons bites onto a balloon bearing the Asylum logo, which then prrrrrp's away, taking the unfortunate snake with it.

Dinocroc vs. Supergator (2010)
by Roger Corman

The Premise: Two genetically-engineered reptiles escape from their compounds, and only legendary hunter "The Cajun" can bring them together to kill each other off

Why it Fails: One of RC's more entertaining flicks, but the two monsters don't get very much screentime and spend what little they have eating bikini babes. Also, the final fight is a bit dissapointing, with the beasts simply hissing and circling each other before Dinocroc bites out Supergator's throat.

Look Out For: Dinocroc casually walks up to a sleazy movie mogul and his bitches in their hot tub and eats them up as if they were KFC Popcorn Chicken. Not one of the three victims makes any attempt to climb out of the tub or run away, sitting there screaming as the reptile chows down.

And thus, the general public's I.Q. just went down a notch.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)
by The Asylum

The Premise: A Megalodon shark and a giant octopus are released from their tomb in a glacier and start wreaking havoc across the ocean.

Why it Fails: It was overhyped to insane levels, about as much as an actual blockbuster film. Imagine being given a golden box encrusted with jewels, only to find that there's only a few McDonald's vouchers inside. That's how viewers felt.

Look Out For: The shark leaps tens of thousands of feet into the air for the sake of taking down an airplane full of people. The scene is made more hilarious by that one guy's cry of "Holy shit!" just before the plane gets chomped.

Dinoshark (2010)
by Roger Corman

The Premise: An ancient sea predator hatches from an Arctic glacier. Three years later, it's all grown up and taken to snacking on Mexican holidaymakers.

Why it Fails: Wikitionary defines the word prehistoric as "Of relating to the epoch before written record". Roger Corman's dictionary defines it as "just slap a T. Rex head on it and hope no-one notices". The monster's design is so phoned-in it orders cheap pizzas from the local takeout, except there's too many anchovies on them. I mean, is it really that hard to re-design a shark to look like a million-year-old killer? And why does the box art have the cheek to call it a fucking pilosaur?

Look Out For: The Dinoshark invades a swimming pool. It's an all-you-can-eat mini buffet!

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (2010)
by The Asylum

The Premise: The Mega Shark returns, only now it has a new rival in a 1,500-foot-long crocodile that eats miners and hates Englishmen.

Why it Fails: Crocodiles can breathe and walk on land. Sharks can only flop and suffocate. Even if you ignore the one-sided clash of oversized animals, it's never explained how the shark survived being dropped into a volcanic fissure in the first film (SPOILER ALERT!), or how the crocodile got to be so big.

Look Out For: Jaleel White.

Jaleel White, the voice of Sonic the Hedgehog and Urkel.

MOTHERFUCKING JALEEL WHITE.

WHAT THE HELL.

Sharktopus (2010)
by Roger Corman

Premise: The American Navy creates the best weapon ever - a genetically-engineered hybrid of shark and octopus. Of course, they lose control of it and it gets to snacking on people.

Why it Fails: What could have been the best thing ever - a half-shark, half-octopus monster - is let down by the usual bugbears of obvious CGI and campy acting. The film is more of a let down than anything, thanks to the poor delivery of the titular monster's antics.

Look Out For: "NO, NOT LIKE THIS!" wails a neck-bearded boat painter as the Sharktopus winds a consoling tentacle round his shoulders before eating him. There, there, Beardy McBlubbergut, it could be worse - you might have been in a Uwe Boll film.

And now, for a special guest appearance...

Boa vs. Python
by Sci Fi Pictures

The Premise: Millionare Broddick tries to introduce big-game hunting to the big city with a giagantic python. Needless to say, this doesn't go well, and it takes an equally-large, cybernetically-enhanced pet boa called Betty to stop the creature.

Why it Fails: The film had no relation to the Boa and Python films that were made earlier, and so was rightly accused of trying to captialize on the success of Python. Also, boas look ridiculous wearing cyber-goggles.

Watch Out For: A couple is making out in their SUV, and the python shows up looking for a snack. He eats the man first, then... well, just watch. If you can.

If this post has suddenly given you an appetite for alcohol and low-budget monster flicks, then god helps us all. D: