The Kid Icarus/Darksiders Double Bill

You know, whenever anyone does a fantasy-themed game, they always take it one of two ways. Either they make it all colourful and full of wacky characters and magical lands for us to laugh along with or gawp at, or they make it a desolate, grim affair that involves you throwing demons into the air and chopping them in half with one swing. It's like if you try to go for any middle ground, someone in the games industry sends the Jigsaw Killer round to punish you for your hubris (hopefully not with that Needle Pit from Saw 2, that makes me cringe every time).

No two games illustrate this phenomenon better than Kid Icarus: Uprising and Darksiders.

"Freeze! Now gimme a packet of Tropical Fruit Bubblicious!"

Kid Icarus: Uprising is the newest installment in Nintendo's Kid Icarus franchise after the extremely long hiatus since the first game on the NES and it's Game Boy sequel, Of Myths and Monsters. Literally set 25 years after the defeat of Medusa in the first game, Uprising sees Pit the flightless angel, now using his Smash Bros. Brawl redesign, take on the sudden return of his old nemesis, who has been mysteriously restored to her former glory in order to get revenge on Palutena, Goddess of Light. But how did Medusa return? Is there a greater power behind this second invasion from the Underworld? More importantly, why am I laughing at almost every line of dialogue?

The main story mode of Uprising is divided into seperate chapters, each with two distinct styles of play. For the first few minutes, you control Pit rail-shooter style as he flies across the scenery, shooting down anything that dares raise it's ugly head. Afterwards, Pit is controlled akin to a third-person shooter, still killing things but now moving around on the ground, sometimes in a tank or mecha suit if you're lucky. What's nice is that the controls stay consistent between both game modes - Circle Pad to move, L Button to fire, touch screen to aim. It means you don't have to re-adjust your grip on the 3DS between levels.

The differences between the two modes are subtle, but this helps give them a distinct feel from each other. In flight mode, you can charge up special attacks that clear the entire screen of enemies, like an overpowered version of Star Fox's smart bombs. On the ground, however, Pit can perform dodges and dashes again to Smash Bros., and has a selection of collectable powers that can be activated during gameplay. These powers range from inproving the homing ability of shots, increasing attack power and recovering health, the latter of which you will run out of very fast as you get to the later chapters, trust me on this one. There are also, on certain occasions, special vehicles that Pit can drive for a while, letting him marmalise enemies whilst absorbing damage like an iron sponge.

You will, however, spend most of your time in the menus between missions, and this is not the smug wanker criticism it sounds like because there's a hell of a lot to do. See, killing enemies gets you hearts, which, in defiance of Nintendo tradition, are actually currency that you can spend. And you will want to spend this, because they play an important role in the game - apart from buying weapons at the store, you can bet some of them in the Fiend's Cauldron before each chapter to increase the diffuclty and rewards you earn. You can toss eggs in a pan to collect idols to admire later on. And you can also throw excess hearts away by offering them up to Palutena, which raises too many questions in my mind. And not all of them are wholesome.

Speaking of weapons, there's a lot of those around for you to equip between missions. They all fall into diferent categories - Arms have the best melee, Staffs are best long range, Orbitars have the best homing capabilities etc. Each category has a large variety of models, each with their own quirks, while every individual weapon has it's own stats and modifiers, resulting a mind-boggling array of possible weapon choices. And this isn't even counting the legendary Zodiac weapons, which you will be scouring the levels in search of because they're that cool. You can also fuse weapons you've earned to make more weapons, so hope you've got a strategy guide on hand.

The Good Bits
The gameplay is solid, the story (while often taking sudden turns here and there) is well presented, the graphics are pretty nice even with the 3D off and the music is awesome. But it's the dialogue you will stay for - only in this game will you hear Danny Mann arguing with himself as Hewdraw, the main villain flirting with your sidekick or back-handed references to Wikipedia. Couple that with the fact the dialogue delivery is definitely above what passes for average in most video games and you have a recipie for chuckles all throughout as you play.

The Bad Bits
Even with the Fiend's Cauldron, the difficulty flits between surprisingly easy and Battletoads-style face-stomping frustration (damn you, Chapter 14). Some bits of levels are locked off unless you're playing on higher intensities, which is dumb. And there are some gameplay features that make no sense, like the aformentioned heart offerings or the AR Cards that come packaged with the game. I've heard people complain that the controls give people hand cramps, but sucks to be them.

Also, I can't drive Exo-Tanks. This makes me sad. :(

Scores

Graphics: 4/5 (Very pretty - even without the 3D.)

Gameplay: 4/5 (Despite the complaints, I've managed just fine with them.)
Sound: 5/5 ("I'm sorry, I can't hear you over all this AWESOME!")
Replayability: 5/5 (You'll be replaying half the levels just to find all the loot.)

Final Verdict: If you ever get a 3DS, get this game. Trust me, you will not regret it.

On the opposite spectrum to Nintendo's cheerful shoot-em-up comedy is THQ's grim hack-and-slash tragedy, Darksiders.

"Pardon me, but where can I find the laundrette?"

Darksiders is themed around the Biblical Apocalypse, and follows the story of War, one of the Four Horsemen. Accused of conspiring with Hell to start the apocalypse early, War has been stripped of his powers and sent back to a ruined Earth in order to destroy the one responsible. He discovers that Samael, the Prince of Demons, may be able to help him, but he must perform some favours for him first...

Darksiders is best described as the result of a bout of the Soggy Biscuit Game (don't ask) between The Legend of Zelda and Devil May Cry - from Zelda, it takes the open-world roaming over different terrain, dungeons featuring puzzles and bosses, and various equippable items, while from Devil May Cry, it takes an emphasis on combat, including the variety of weapons, bullshit enemy attacks and bloody finishing moves that can be performed once an enemy has been pummelled enough. But just because it rips off- I mean, borrows heavily from these games, that doesn't mean it hasn't got anything unique under it's belt.

For one thing, while Link does a shitty forward roll that can't even dent the average wooden sign and struggles to climb even a basic ledge, War practically parkours around the ruined landscape and has a dash ability that can be used in combat, especially in the overpowered stab attack that knocks most enemies flying. And while Dante only has two swords and a pistol to his name, War has one giant sword, a scythe, a rapid-firing handgun, a giant glove that smashes people's faces and the abilty to become a giant flaming monster that basically raises a giant middle finger to the concept of taking any damage whatsoever. Suck on that, you wise-cracking, trenchcoat-wearing shit. So what if your new game is actually pretty good - War is still going to rip your mortal head off. Or bash it in with the nearest car. That's right, he can pick up cars and you can't. Suck it.

Another unique feature is the Forge - War can purchase special modifiers that add boosts to his weapons, such as damage output or recovery. These can be slooted into whatever weapon you chose - I myself have equipped a modifier that guarantees blue souls (the game's currency) every time I smash the scenery, ensuring that I cause as much wanton destruction as possible. Other features include special Wrath powers that let War rip shit up with unique abilites, consumable items that can be used in the field to recover health or Wrath and upgrades for the various weapons you will pick up. All of these can be purchased from the demon Vulgrim, whose major fault is overpricing even the most basic items, the prick.

One thing you will do a lot of in Darksiders is exploring, for there is a lot to find in the expansive, post-Apocalypse world. Not only are there chests containing money for you to hoard like a heavily-armoured Scrooge McDuck, there are also Artefacts that you can sell to Vulgrim so you can afford that goddamn area of effect attack, as well as pieces of the Abyssal Armour that can be equipped after assembling all of them. Also, there is a bonus boss consisting of a British zombie in a top-hat, who fights by fencing with his cane. Truly the best result of exploring like a mofo in this game.

The Good Bits
Darksiders is quite functional, for what it is. It takes on a concept that few others would approach for fear of having the Church harp on at them and makes it work quite well. Combat works well and is visceral and satisfying, the puzzles are creative to the point of GameFAQs consulting, and the ability to ride Ruin, War's Horse, everywhere you see fit is something that is hard to top. Also, one of the characters is voiced by Mark Hamil, who automatically improves any game ever with his mere presence.

The Bad Bits
The story is a bit of a mess, especially near the end (without wishing to reveal any spoilers). War has little to no personality, only displaying anger whenever things don't go the way he wants them. Come on, man, you just bitch-slapped a dragon with flaming fists! Show some more emotion!

Meanwhile: A throwable blade that can hit multiple targets. A grappling hook that lets you swing across chasms and pulls you onto climbable walls. A gun that opens fucking blue and orange portals. If any of these sound familiar, then you are smarter than the average CoD-playing dullard who can't recognise rip-offs from a hundred miles away. Maybe THQ has kleptomania or something.

Scores

Graphics: 3/5 (Bit dull and grey, but at least it works.)

Gameplay: 4/5 (Works just fine- OHMYGODTHEYRIPPEDOFFPORTAL D:<)
Sound: 4/5 (Mark Hamil is using his Joker voice. 'Nuff said.)
Replayability: 3/5 (Unless you really want to play through again with the Abyssal Armour, don't bother.)

Final Verdict: Fun in it's own way, and worth playing through at least once.

BONUS CHALLENGE: Who would win in a Fite between Pit and War? Bow of Palutena vs. Chaoseater! Power of Flight vs. Chaos Mode! Three Sacred Treasures vs. Abyssal Armour! Debate this in the comments, or maybe draw a fancy picture if you're so inclined.

Useless Disturbing Nature Facts

Well, Goops asked for it and I shall deliver. Here's a list of disturbing facts about the world around you that will probably be of no use in life whatsoever.

• The third right arm of the Great Pacific octopus is actually it's penis.
• The Komodo dragon was once thought to have bacteria in it's saliva that killed it's prey by blood poisoning. In fact, the Komodo dragon uses a kind of venom, making it the largest venomous reptile in the world.
• A species of spider called Evarcha culicivora uses a special perfume to attrack mates. What do they use? Malaria-infected blood.
• In Australia, male Dawson's bees hatch first, emerging from their underground nests and waiting for the females to emerge a month or two later. When the females do hatch and tunnel out, the males begin fighting over the right to mate with them, forming rolling balls of stinging, biting carnage. Sometimes, a female will get caught up in the scrum and be killed.
• Convict fish are wierd. They make burrows to lay their eggs, the babies hatch and stay together in a group as they swim about and feed. But the parents never leave their burrow. So what could they eat whilst they stay down there?
• Humboldt sqiud are ravenous hunters - when one of their own is hooked by fishermen, the others often devour it before it can be pulled up.
• The African brunsvigia grows so fast you can actually see it blooming. This is because they only last a few weeks before being wilted by the sun, so they must get pollinated as quickly as possible. When this happens, the flowers transform into seed-carrying capsules. The wind snaps off the entire top half of the plant, which rolls down slopes dispensing seeds as it goes.
• Japan has a species of beetle that collects drupes (a kind of fruit) to feed their young with. Females may try to steal drupes from others, and the babies will often move to a better burrow if their own mother cannot feed them well enough. Also, the babies last meal before they leave their home... is their own mother.
• The pistol shrimp's "gun" claw works by firing a high-pressure cavitation bubble, which is strong enough to kill small fish. As the bubble collapses, it momentarily reaches 4,700°C in temperature - 800°C short of the shun's temparature, 5'500°C.
• Some species of stomapod (or mantis shrimp) use their hammer like-claws in a similar way. Their muscular forearms, when swung, can reach 50mph (23 m/s) from a standing start, and the force of the blow creates a cavitation bubble that generates force between the victim and the club. In effect, the prey is struck twice, and this is usually enough to shatter the shells of sea snails, crabs and oysters. Those stomapods that possess the club-like arms have been known to smash aquarium glass.
• The thirst snake is a South American snake that eats nothing but snails. They get the snails out of their shells by using the shorter, upper jaw as a brace against the shell, then forcing the longer lower jaw into the shell past the hood, pulling out the snail's body and swallowing it. Because their diet is so soft, thirst snakes don't have the expandable chin flaps on other species, and cannot eat anything larger.
• Crocodiles and alligators cannot stick their tongues out.
• A duck's quack does not echo, and no-one knows why.

I'll post more, if people demand it. Hmm, what other ways does Mother Nature like to freak us out?

Another Cutting Room Floor

So I do my best to update this blog when I can, and always put up some content that interests at least one of you lot. But occasionally, a post I was going to put up here doesn't quite make it. Perhaps I lose motivation, or maybe I get distracted by the shiny wrapping on a brand new game, or maybe flying marshmallow people invade and I have to take cover. Whatever the case, sometime a post just never comes to be.

For general interest, here's a list of blog posts that are either completely cancelled or put on hold until I can come out of my current state of "cannot be arsed". Comment/complain/petition for me to write one of these as you wish.

The RP Whine
What Was It?: Fueled by irritation and alcohol, I lash out at trends in other people's RP which I find annoying, indulging in one of the pettiest gripes since Christian Bale yelled at that stage hand.
Current Status: A Tiny Crab.
Why?: Halfway through writing it, one of my insidious shoulder gremlins popped up and whacked me upside the head with a rolled-up newspaper. "Shame on you, Steel Komodo," spake he. "Do you really have a right to complain about how Goops shoehorns in happy endings all the time when you're going to be RP'ing a bunch of unreasonable dicks this year?" Perspective thus gained, I deleted the rant, changed the title and pasted in a picture of a tiny crab. Go marvel at how tiny he is.

T.E.K.K.E.N - A Creeepypasta
What Was It?: The standard video game creepypasta fare - gullible moron buys a bootleg copy of his favourite game and gets scared by excessive gore and loud noises. Except the noise and gore form a coherant story that explains why characters like Kunimitsu don't appear in the games anymore, and what the shitting hell Lars Fanfixandersson is doing here.
Current Status: On Hold.
Why?: Writing creepypastas is harder than you think, dear readers. The more you try to avoid the cliches of bleeding eyes, hyper-realism and utterly stupid protagonists, the more writing something feels like a chore instead of a fulfilling experience. This one is hiding away in my archives until I can figure out how to make a story about shitty new characters replacing good old ones actually scary.

There's A Party Over At The Bar
What Was It?: Another Disney sing-along by yours truly, themed on Erebus and Jonesy's wedding.
Current Status: Cancelled.
Why?: No point in writing about something that's already happened, thus leaving the song pretty much irrelevant. Also, it's really, REALLY hard to find good rhymes nowadays.

Useless, Disturbing Nature Facts
What Was It?: A collection of obscure, somewhat disturbing facts about the natural world, such as what a Great Pacific Octopus' thrid right arm is, or what the bees in Australia get up to in Spring.
Current Status: On Hold.
Why?: "OH GOD SOMEONE PASS ME THE BRAIN BLEACH" would have been the general response to this post. This one has been archived until you are mentally prepared for Nature being it's usual dickish self.