Useless Disturbing Nature Facts 2 - Everything is Evil

As we all know, Nature is wierd. It gives us giant venemous lizards, bees that have gangbangs, shrimps with guns and octopi with penis arms. But sometimes, you have to look at some of the things evolution has given us and wonder if Mother Gaia still harbours some kind of grudge for paving over all her beautiful green fields and whatnot. Because sometimes, animals and plants don't just turn out wierd. They turn out completely sadistic, the kind of things you don't want to see in a dark alleyway and make Jeff the Killer seem like a cheery kid's bedtime story.

So without further adieu, Useless Disturbing Nature Facts 2 - Everything is Evil.

• Strangler Figs are evil because they do just exactly what their name implies. Once they germinate in the branches of a tree, they wind their massive roots down the trunk and into the ground, whilst spreading their own leaves up above the tree's own leaves. The roots basically girdle the tree - that is, they cut off the supply of nutrients from the roots by crushing the xylem in the bark - whilst stealing water and nutrients from the tree's roots, while the leaves steal the sunlight the original tree needs. For comparison, imagine being slowly strangled to death whilst some other jerk eats your food and watches your T.V. So basically, children like to play hide-and-seek in the roots of serial killers.
• Coral Snakes are evil because they all look alike. It's not enough for them to be incredibly venomous to the point of being lethal to humans, they've also got to have very similar patterns of red, black, white and yellow bands on their bodies to advertise what massive jerks they are. In fact, many unrelated species of coral snake share remarkably similar patterns, reinforcing the protection both species share. It's gotten to the point where the birds that used to prey on them are scared to death of anything remotely patterned like a coral snake.
• Golden Eagles are evil because they eat tortoises. That doesn't sound so bad - after all, they gotta eat somehow. The problem is that the eagles go out of their way to make the tortoises' final moments as painful as possible. See, trying to open a tortoise's shell is like opening a tin with your fingers, so what the eagle does is snatch up a tortoise, carry it as high as they can and then drop it onto a collection of sharp rocks to break the shell. Now, keep in mind that the shell of a tortoise is part of it's body - the spine and ribs form the distinct dome shape you associate with the animal. The eagles are basically ripping the tortoises in half. For such a glorified bird, that's kind of a dick move.
• Special mention goes to the Red-Backed Shrike of Britain, which has some seriously fucked-up eating habits. These cute little balls of feathers keep larders of food, which consist of corpses impaled on the thorns of bushes like a serial killer's art collection. What's even more disturbing is that they also use this larder to impress potential mates as well, with only the freshest corpses standing a chance. It's like trying to get a girlfriend who likes you because you have the posters for only the latest slasher films on your wall. Let that sink in for a moment.
• Wolverines are evil because... well, let's put this into perspective. This thing is about 42 inches long and weighs about 25 kilograms. And yet it's prey includes such animals as caribou, sheep, deer, elk and moose. Animals that are at the most three times it's own weight. They do this by climbing onto rocky outcrops, and then jumping onto their backs when they pass by. These things even routinely hunt bears, using the same tactic and biting them over and over until they die of blood loss and exhaustion. Of all the animals to base a beloved Marvel comics character on, the wolverine has to be the most psychotic.
• Toothpick Fish are evil because they render you sterile. I'm not even joking. What they do is that they swim around in a circle, trying to sense traces of urea in the water from the gills of another, bigger fish. Then they slip inside the fish's gills, stab them with their dorsal spines until the blood starts flowing, and then drink it up. Now, what part of the human body produces urea that would be a likely target for a hungry toothpick fish? You're welcome.
• Cane Toads are evil because they're randy bastards. To elaborate - Davian behaviour is the scientific term for necrophilia in the animal kingdom. In most cases, it's instinctual, and the animal involved probably doesn't even realize that hot tail their after isn't so much hot as cold. But the cane toad not only humps corpses - it humps corpses of any animal, regardless of species. Not just other frogs and toads, but snakes, lizards, salamanders and small mammals as well. Imagine Dirk if he lost all his inhibitions - wait, on second thoughts, don't.
• Mantidflies are evil because their babies eat spider babies. What the mantidfly does is that it catches a spider, but doesn't kill it - it lays its egg on the spider's abdomen, just where it can't reach. Then, when the spider lays eggs and weaves a protective silk ball around them, the mantidfly larva sneaks in and eats them up before they hatch. Granted, they're ridding the world of more spiders, which is a good thing, but just imagine what the spider mother must feel when she finds out what happened. That's just cold, Mantidfly.

Next time on Useless Disturbing Nature Facts - the prehistoric fish that moves faster than a car!