So since we're in such a good mood, let's talk hybrids! And I don't mean stuff like Mega Python or Mansquito were - horrid piles of DNA soup mixed together and injected into an unwilling test subject. We mean Chimeric Hybrids, the sort of thing that have the head of a rooster, the tail of a cow, the legs of a lion and stuff like that. For the longest time, the dream of creating such wonderful mix-and-match abominations was beyond the reach of even our brightest minds at GaiaCorp - merging the DNA of different species without outright mixing the strands seemed virtually impossible. Mother Nature was pulling down her trousers and mooning us from afar. But then our sister corporation Greentech made a massive breakthrough with Project Clearwater, quite literally inventing a brand new type of MicroStrand protein glue, and now we're churning out cockatrices and mermaids by the dozen! Take that, Mother Nature, and while you're at it bend over so we can spank you, you little-
...ahem. Anyway, our latest fight is not just the final fight of Round 1 before we move on to Round 2 and the Loser's League. It's also a showcase of how far GaiaCorp has come since our humble beginnings of raising demons from hell way back in WWI. Tonight's competitors are born from the fruits of hard graft, years of research and occasionally swiping ideas from our friends in the name of keeping our reputation as lazy bastards. And it's happening right on our doorstep, as we here are happy to act as neutral ground for massive political squabbles! Brace yourselves, loyal customers, because it's time for us to put on THE HYBRID HOEDOWN IN HAWAII!
IN THE BLUE CORNER...
The Great Greco-Roman Alliance expands day by day. It's relentless war machine marches ever eastwards, taking down such territories as northern Africa, the once independent parts of former Communist Spain and the territories of Albania and their relatives. As titanic mega-subs rise from the sea to bombard the shorelines with volleys of artillery, hordes of amphibious mutants slither onto the sand to devour and crush the enemies of their glorious emperor. And among their ranks, with more medals to his name than we care to count, is the beast we call Clades the SHARKTOPUS!
That name just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? Say it with us - Sharktopus. We're really quite proud of this one - the blueprint for Clades once belonged to the obscure Blue Water Company, a biotech firm working in the public safety zones for the Empire of America. The idea was to create a remote-controlled creature that could respond to electric signals and be used to deter sharks and warships from the holiday resorts that dot the sides of their proud nation. Wherupon we slapped their CEO in the face, told him not to be such a pussy and then bought the plans off of him. The basic combination of shark and octopus genes was bolstered by the same lungfish DNA we used on Tiburon the Mega Shark previously, and the results were then sold off to Grecaly, or whatever the kids call it nowadays.
Sharktopus is a bit smaller than his cousin Tiburon, at around 13 meters (43 feet) due to his lack of a tail, but his tentacles make up most of that length, so he can't really complain. His 30cm (12 inch) teeth serve as his primary weapon, slicing through flesh and bone alike, but his tentacles also serve to constrict, bludgeon and stab foes around at close range. They also serve as his legs, allowing him to get around quite quickly on both water and land, and an octopus's brain grants him problem-solving skills and some quick on-the-fly thinking ability as well. His only weaknesses are lack of protective scales or armour and a tendency to dry out in hot weather, but as long as he stays near water that shouldn't really be a problem.
IN THE RED CORNER...
Determined to avoid the economic slump their northern cousins were experiencing, Brazil and many other of the South American states banded together to form the Amazon Territories. Guided by their mutual need to rake in the big bucks, they began to monopolize their exports - bananas, coffee, sugar and so on - to ludicrous levels, to the point where they now have a massive stranglehold on the world's supplies. This, naturally, bred pirates looking for an easy profit, and thus Brazil sought to protect their livelihood with a violent, iron fist. And thus was born a beast of terrifying proportions - Carrasco the PIRANHACONDA!
Just like Russia before them, the Amazon Territories wanted something that would inspire fear in those who would dare plunder their precious harvest. So we put our thinking helmets on - what are people cruising up the Amazon river scared of the most? Piranhas and anacondas, of course... Bing! Terrible creature + terrible creature = horrifying demon from the recesses of mankind's nightmares! A month or so of stirring culture vats, applying protein glue and incubating eggs in our swampy biome later, and Carrasco and his brood were soon ready to swim through the murky waters, devouring light-fingers looters from their boats.
Piranhaconda is just shy of 16 metres (53 feet), and has a least 60 razor-sharp teeth in his mouth, designed to slice chunks of meat off prey. His massive serpentine body allows him to constrict foes in a crushing grip, as well as slide effortlessly along most terrain. He is also a powerful swimmer, just at home underwater as he is on land, and can transition from land to water with little trouble. However, he has two majorly crippling deficiencies that dull his killing edge somewhat - horrendous eyesight that forces him to rely on his much more powerful sense of smell and an aversion to cold temperatures. But even with those in mind, you have to admit this freaky fish is not just going to lie down and let you pour vinegar on it.
THE ARENA
Hawaii. It's where everyone goes to catch a sun-filled break way from all the civil war and political unrest. It's where grass-skirted nymphs rub coconut oil into your back as you catch some rays. And it's also where we are! Yes, folks, in celebration of GaiaCorp's 80th Anniversary and also to keep Brazil and Rome from kicking each other's teeth out, we're hosting this fight on our very own turf, just as we hosted the epic first ever live Monster Mash way back in 191X! We'd say we're selling tickets to this one-of-a kind event, but really there's no need - these beasts might just flatten your porch in the middle of the fight! Consider it a gift from us to you!
So, sports fans, who is destined to make it to Round 2? The tentacled terror from a militaristic union of ancient beliefs? Or the pirate-devouring predator riding on the capitalistic dreams of money-hungry Brazilians? Make haste to your local voting booths now, ladies and gentlemen, because this is the kind of event that won't repeat itself in a hurry! And don't forget to stock up on limited edition plushies and t-shirts to support your favourite competitor whilst your at it!
VOTE NOW!
Two very well-matched monsters here. This one's gonna be a real slobberknocker. Ultimately, however, I think #Sharktopus has got what it takes to pull this off.
ReplyDeleteThey're pretty evenly matched in terms of size, strength, weapons, abilities, and weaknesses. And when two physically equal forces clash, it's the smarter one that can take advantage and come out on top. So far in Monster Mash, the more clever monster has won three out of four times, and I say three out of four because Mega Shark and Mega Python were pretty much equals. Mansquito and Giant Octopus used their heads to overcome brutal adversaries, and the Mothman made Perez THINK he'd outsmarted him, only to out-gambit him in the end. The only loss of intelligence in the tournament so far was the collapse of the Russian spider regime. Blindy McFishFace is going to make an error at a critical moment, and Sharktopus will seize the opportunity and probably a lot of snake flesh.
Also, just for the hell of it I'll predict those random-as-shit quills on Sharktopus' back become important somehow.
seriously how did he get those
#Piranhaconda all the way baby. Sharktopus may have the limb advantage, but when you're wrestling a serpent, your limbs have nothing to grab but a long stretch of flat muscle. That messy ball of limbs will be ripped apart, with each extra arm giving the snake-fish an extra piece to bite off. A good coil around Sharktopus may be risky because of those quills, but Sharktopus can be immobilized, unlike the snake. You grab a part of him, his butt will reach around and smack you, or worse his head will come round and snack on ya.
ReplyDelete#Sharktopus has superior dexterity speed and smarts. Piranhaconda is almost blind and vulnerable to, say, the cold ocean. And Hawaii is an island. Sharktopus is on home turf - all he needs to do is get Piranhaconda into the water and keep him there for a sure win.
ReplyDeleteJumpropeman has a great point. Piranhaconda is nearly impossible for Sharktopus to get a good grab on. However, this doesn't stop #Sharktopus from having another massive array of advantages. Once Sharktopus doesn't try grabbing the anaconda, he has a ton of other ways of fighting such as using tools, drive-by quill attacks, or even just plain biting the piranha snake. After all, his octopus brain does make him a lot smarter.
ReplyDeleteAlso, piranha are surprisingly non-vicious. Their best feats are often performed in packs, of which Piranhaconda has none. While increased aggression is definitely part of the Monster Mash augmentation process, natural instinct will leave Sharktopus the king bruiser as soon as blood is shed.
Ladies and Gentlemen, VOTING IS NOW CLOSED!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your votes, and don't forget to pick up our lisenced Sharktopus cuddly toys and Piranhaconda Snatch-N'-Grab board games from our voting booths - 45% off for a limited time only!