Jam vs. Peanut Butter

~RMS WILL OF IRON, G.S.O HIGH-SECURITY PRISON, ATLANTIC OCEAN~

Of all the places to keep supervillains, the RMS Will of Iron had two major advantages over the others.

Firstly, it was floating in the middle of the ocean. Any supervillain worth their salt knew that a prison in the middle of the ocean wasn't worth breaking out of. Guard dogs they could handle, electric fences and shield domes were easy enough, but the fickle mistress that was the sea was more daunting than a thousand dogs or twenty miles of fencing. What was the point of trying to escape if, almost immediately afterwards, you had to deal with sharks, currents and storms that made all the fanciest robot guards look pleasant by comparison? On the whole, anyone who ended up in here preferred constant boredom to the threat of drowning.

Secondly, it had the one thing no other major supervillain prison had tried - the counseling and rehabilitation center. The Global Superhero Operation had argued that, on the off-chance a villain was truly repentant of their crimes, then they should be given the opportunity to reinstate themselves as functioning members of society. This viewpoint was met with a lot of derision from the public at first, especially considering the damage supervillains did to major cities every year, but when Emperor Malady was released into the public and ended up with a well-paid financing job, you had to admire the results.

And it had seemed to be working for the man known as Doctor Vortex, too. He had come to the Will of Iron a gibbering wreck, babbling nonsense about his destroyed base and condiments that none could make sense of. But, piece by piece, he'd slowly been transitioning back into Damien Harolds, the mild-mannered - if somewhat jumpy - mathematician and science major from Manhattan. As long as you didn't put any spreadables near him, he was an affable chap who was easy to get along with, and the wardens had high hopes for his eventual release.

The fateful day started off like any other day. Damien had got up, got showered and dressed - all in a very punctual fashion, as was his way. He had walked into the communal kitchen area, ready to prepare himself a healthy breakfast of bran flakes and orange juice. He had just turned the television on - some asinine fashion show was on, but he couldn't care less - and had just poured himself out a rather measured dose of the cereal. So far, so good.

And then he'd turned to get the milk and saw a blue-coloured face upon the screen.

"That's right, y'all! My Super Swimwear Special begins this May, showing off all the hottest and skimpiest Fornax summer fashions live from the glitz and glamour of fa-bu-lous Las Vegas! So if you wanna get an eyeful of yours truly - and I know you do~ - hit up our website and buy yourself a ticket to this once-in-a-lifetime fashion opportunity! Featuring live music by Ironheade, Patrick O'Batahan and so much more, as well as free pizza to our first 5'000 lucky guests! This is Lisa, leaving you with..."

GLORP.

"CHIMICHANGAS!"

Three hours later, and the border patrol guards got the shock of their lives as a giant robot squid suddenly punched it's way out of the complex, dived beneath the ocean and vanished. Just how long it had been built in secret, or where the materials came from, none could say or even venture to guess. And the man on security that day, a notorious slacker and donut addict, was fired for not noticing the blaring alarms or the massive hole in the cellar wall where the machine had broken out as it first roared into action.

But the point was, Doctor Vortex had relapsed. And, more pressingly, escaped.

WTF Is Up With... Pooh's Adventures?

Nostalgia is a double-edged sword.

On the one hand, it influences such things as Kickstarter, where Mighty No. 9 and other retro-inspired creations can flourish, free from the more toxic influences of this cutting-edge world of ours. It's gratifying to see that the best of the old ways can persevere in a culture that normally won't even spare at glance at anything if it doesn't dynamically render ever drop of sweat on Marcus Fenix's forehead as he chainsaws yet another alien to death. And in many ways, we should be thankful that the things we were brought up on as kids shaped us to be the people we are, instead of decrying the new stuff that's trying to shape the kids of the future in the same way.

On the other hand, Pooh's Adventures.

The smiles are all false, trust me.

I hesitate to classify Pooh's Adventures as a web series, but that's the closest I can get to describing this loose collection of crossover films made by various different people. Mostly a YouTube thing, the basic premise of these films is to shoehorn Winnie the Pooh and his friends, along with fifty other characters from different franchises, into the plots and scenarios of other cartoons, films and related media with about zero respect for continuity, age groups or common sense. I can only assume this to be an offshoot of the Disney crossover stuff made by actually talented people, spawned from the flabby folds of nerds and dorks alike who want to imitate such grand works but only have Windows Movie Maker pre-installed on their laptops.

Just in case you think you've accidentally stumbled across one, keep an eye out for these reoccurring tropes that infect the genre like an inoperable cancer:

• The creator styles themselves as a "studio" much like Disney and Warner Bros., despite having none of the resources or talent. Usually have poorly-spelt usernames, or ones with "movies", "films" or "studio" in them.
• Each video begins with a lengthy series of idents or title sequences. Usually starting with the creator's own, but also adding in those from the franchises used. These can take up half the first video, in the worst cases
• The other characters are brought in through spliced-in footage. The intention is to assume the character's are performing the same actions in the footage, just in the new scene they are in. However, because the creator can't/doesn't cut out the background, it looks as though everyone's standing in different places.
• When a character needs to speak lines they didn't say in the source material, the footage is abruptly muted and subtitles are thrown in. These are uniformly white and in a font that is both simultaneously hard to read and obscuring the actual video. Often, a small segment of dialogue is muted just to get a character to say somebody's name, creating a really jarring effect.
• This is often used to have characters say lines offical characters used, and then have the character that originally said that line respond with "I agree" or some other inanity.
• On that subject, the writing is usually poor as fuck.
• The "film" itself is loosely based on the original film/show being adapted, but every scene is padded out to include the other characters as well. Usually every character, because we have to know just how Snagglepuss and Scamp are reacting, don't we?
• There's almost always a gathering of heroes and a gathering of villains. Often, the villains will be beaten in the same way they were in the films, just with other characters doing it.
• In the very, very worst cases, crossover ships will happen. Dear sweet Poseidon, do they happen.

Or, you know, just look at the video title. Then you should probably run screaming. Hit the jump if you want to know more.

Fighting Game Characters Suck #1 - Ryu

So since I got out of uni for the holidays, I managed to find a good balance between work and free time. Enough to allow me to cogitate on some issues that I want to talk about - namely, fighting game characters.

Now, this is not going to be me talking about shitty character design, because there's probably already shitloads of threads and blogs dedicated to that. Nor is expecting any amount of depth from most fighting game characters a fair thing, especially when most are raging stereotypes to begin with. This is me talking about how some fighting lads and lasses are massive idiots who need a slap in the face and maybe some therapy. Because seriously, they do.

And who better to open up this festival of idiocy than the poster boy of fighting games, Ryu from Street Fighter?

Ah, Ryu. Your tales of martial arts mastery inspire us. Your simple design and iconic fighting style have been copied by imitators and competitors the world over. And your gripping, emotional and spiritual quest to master your teachings and become the strongest warrior is what keeps people coming back to your side of the story, again and again. Truly, you are a noble and endearing character.

Except when you think about it, that's all a steaming crock of cow shit. If you want to know why, hit the jump.