WTF Is Up With... Pooh's Adventures?

Nostalgia is a double-edged sword.

On the one hand, it influences such things as Kickstarter, where Mighty No. 9 and other retro-inspired creations can flourish, free from the more toxic influences of this cutting-edge world of ours. It's gratifying to see that the best of the old ways can persevere in a culture that normally won't even spare at glance at anything if it doesn't dynamically render ever drop of sweat on Marcus Fenix's forehead as he chainsaws yet another alien to death. And in many ways, we should be thankful that the things we were brought up on as kids shaped us to be the people we are, instead of decrying the new stuff that's trying to shape the kids of the future in the same way.

On the other hand, Pooh's Adventures.

The smiles are all false, trust me.

I hesitate to classify Pooh's Adventures as a web series, but that's the closest I can get to describing this loose collection of crossover films made by various different people. Mostly a YouTube thing, the basic premise of these films is to shoehorn Winnie the Pooh and his friends, along with fifty other characters from different franchises, into the plots and scenarios of other cartoons, films and related media with about zero respect for continuity, age groups or common sense. I can only assume this to be an offshoot of the Disney crossover stuff made by actually talented people, spawned from the flabby folds of nerds and dorks alike who want to imitate such grand works but only have Windows Movie Maker pre-installed on their laptops.

Just in case you think you've accidentally stumbled across one, keep an eye out for these reoccurring tropes that infect the genre like an inoperable cancer:

• The creator styles themselves as a "studio" much like Disney and Warner Bros., despite having none of the resources or talent. Usually have poorly-spelt usernames, or ones with "movies", "films" or "studio" in them.
• Each video begins with a lengthy series of idents or title sequences. Usually starting with the creator's own, but also adding in those from the franchises used. These can take up half the first video, in the worst cases
• The other characters are brought in through spliced-in footage. The intention is to assume the character's are performing the same actions in the footage, just in the new scene they are in. However, because the creator can't/doesn't cut out the background, it looks as though everyone's standing in different places.
• When a character needs to speak lines they didn't say in the source material, the footage is abruptly muted and subtitles are thrown in. These are uniformly white and in a font that is both simultaneously hard to read and obscuring the actual video. Often, a small segment of dialogue is muted just to get a character to say somebody's name, creating a really jarring effect.
• This is often used to have characters say lines offical characters used, and then have the character that originally said that line respond with "I agree" or some other inanity.
• On that subject, the writing is usually poor as fuck.
• The "film" itself is loosely based on the original film/show being adapted, but every scene is padded out to include the other characters as well. Usually every character, because we have to know just how Snagglepuss and Scamp are reacting, don't we?
• There's almost always a gathering of heroes and a gathering of villains. Often, the villains will be beaten in the same way they were in the films, just with other characters doing it.
• In the very, very worst cases, crossover ships will happen. Dear sweet Poseidon, do they happen.

Or, you know, just look at the video title. Then you should probably run screaming. Hit the jump if you want to know more.

Paradoxically, I remember when Pooh's Adventures first started being a "thing". And it was far more subdued and reigned-in than what it's mutated into. Granted, the mock-up trailers all used the same music, but they only ever crossed Pooh over with one other franchise, usually a Disney one like the Little Mermaid. Then some bright spark got the idea to cross them over with non-Disney stuff, and I know it happened because I once saw a trailer for Pooh's Adventures of Godzilla vs. Space Godzilla - now there's a one-sided Punch-Out match, if ever I saw one. And I don't know what happened between then and now, but suddenly the genre turned into a massive clusterfuck, with creators stuffing more and more characters into their videos to artificially lengthen the run time in the video equivalent of a dick-waving competition. "Ooh, my video has more characters than yours!"

Not too long ago, I got into an argument with FormerVengeance over this - he misunderstood my argument to mean that all crossovers are dumb, and couldn't see the difference between something like this and any comic book crossover. If you happen to read this, man, I'd like to apologize and clarify a few things. I don't hate crossovers in general. Hell, my fave comic book storyline is the crossover between Archie's Mega Man and Sonic the Hedgehog lines, just because it's filled with so much pure awesome. What I hate is flabby neckbeards with their lips sealed around the teats of their childhood, churning out poorly-edited and poorly-thought videos under the delusion they're bringing something good to the world, instead of the utter garbage it actually is.

...that didn't sound very good, did it? Alright, I guess the best way to explain would be to (shudder) look at one of these videos. The most recent one I happened to stumble across was entitled Pooh's Adventure's of Henry's Amazing Animals: Scary Animals, and even though I can already hear your silent screams of terror I'm going to carry on anyway.

For context: the Henry's Amazing Animals was a VHS series that taught kids about wildlife of all kinds, from the classic African savannah to niche topics like slime (yuck) and farm animals. It starred Henry (Eric Meyers), a CGI gecko and prime candidate for Biggest Immature Dumbass 1996, and his pal Tom Clarke-Hill, the world's most sarcastic narrator. The premise was simple - Henry has a problem he needs to solve, narrator somehow avoids bursting blood vessels as he talks Henry through how wild animals solve that problem, Henry solves the problem with what he's learned. And you'd be forgiven, dear reader, for thinking that making a multi-franchise crossover out of this would be a difficult proposition.

YakkoWarnerMovies101 tried anyway.

"Try" being the operative word.

Once you struggle past all the idents, the "movie" gets off to a poor start immediately as we are introduced to Henry, hiding behind his couch in terror. And then we are introduced to every other character in this wretched train-wreck, extending the scene by about ten or fifteen completely unnecessary minutes as Ash Ketchum, Winnie the Pooh, Godzilla, Ed, Edd and Eddy and a few other bumblefucks wander in the wrong door and act like they already know each other. Already I have around three hundred questions about this - why would Henry still be scared of what's after him when these "friends" of his are now with him? Some of whom wield laser guns, might I add? How does a scene that takes all of ten seconds in the original get extended to half the length of this video? Who are half these characters? Why are there so many of them?

And why does Godzilla have subtitles for his roaring?

Sadly, the only answer to any of these questions is my arm automatically trying to dig my brain out with a spoon. Because I fear there may be no answers - or, at least, none that make sense except in the mind of YakkoWarnerMovies101. Needless to say, I don't think actually watching the video will provide them either, unless the answer was "to kill all your brain cells", which I don't doubt. Like, I get your a fan of all this childhood stuff, dude, but why mash it up into this and then post it on YouTube? Could you not just maybe frequent fan sites and leave it at that? This seems a bit of an extreme and convoluted way to show your appreciation for all these characters, is all.

Anyway, I'm not gonna analyze this step-by-step like I did The Magic Roundabout, since I only "watched" the first two or three parts and then had to give up. I can only assume that it basically follows the standard Pooh's Adventures formula - loosely follows the plot of the source material, extends every scene by about ten minutes so every character can say something no matter how unimportant, obligatory and unnecessary climactic battle at the end followed by party. So in short, nothing revolutionary and merely keeping the fad stagnant instead of killing it. But here's a taste of some real standout moments for you which need to be recounted properly.

• Kaa, Shere Kahn, King Ghidorah, Team Rocket and Oogie Boogie forming an alliance to do... something or other. I wasn't really paying attention to all of it, but considering the theme of the episode this was based on it probably involved being spooky or stealing Halloween. At one point they coerce Henry into donning the vampire costume he wears in the episode and tell him to go scare his friends, but what they even hope to gain from it was never explained. Or maybe I was too busy screaming "WHY?!"
• A big, dramatic face off between heroes and villains gets in the way of the "plot", and Tom Clarke-Hill has to step in and basically remind everyone this is a documentary. I actually remember laughing at that point, because it was an accurate reflection of my own thoughts at the time - what on earth is a story about Good vs, Evil doing in a show about a CGI gecko and his animal buddies? Why did the creator even need to put an actual dramatic plot into something like this? And why was there a whole five minutes of people shouting each other's names?
• The characters reacting to Henry's "special report" segment, where he tries to talk about animal behaviors and fails spectacularly. Perhaps the only funny bit, because the whole point of that segment was for kids to laugh at Henry's ineptitude, and the others are all pretty much saying what we're thinking at the time. But then you remember this is a Pooh's Adventures video, and something you used to love dies inside of you.

If you have a strong stomach for idiocy or are just lookin for a cheap laugh, delve into the realm of Pooh's Adventures... at your peril. Personally, as someone who remembers the days of relative calm and restraint, I'm going to try and erase the memories of watching those videos with all the leftover cider in the garage.