Yes, it's that time of the year again! That glorious moment where we take the four greatest monsters that have battled their way to the top and put them all together for a near-final showdown! Wherever it's the great contenders you know and love, or the rejects who clawed their way back by sheer luck, the Fatal Four-Way is the biggest spectacle of every Monster Mash tournament! Veteran viewers may still remember the climactic tussle of 196X, which - for reasons we're still trying to figure out - somehow resulted in the birth of an entirely new galaxy! Oh, will those wacky Alien Tornadoes ever leave the public imagination...?
...Yes, they will, because they were dumb. And also because that was in the past! Look to the present, sports fans, because the line-up for this year is something to gawp at! All of them were birthed here at GaiaCorp, all of them fought for your amusement, and now they've managed to make their way to the precipice of glory! But who will jump first? Who will chicken out? And who's gonna get turned into giblets by all the others? Only one way to find out, folks, so let's Meet the Monsters!
Clades the Sharktopus
Never let it be said that a loss of limbs could ever keep a champion down! Instead, the Italians commissioned us to replace all of his weak, fleshy tentacles with metallic prosthetic ones. The longest of these two bear extendable laser-blades of the kind he once wielded, whilst the others all contain explosive dart launchers designed to pierce the skin of his enemies. On top of that, he's now been fitted with light-weight nano-carbon armor that should solve the stick problem of him getting cut up a lot during his fights. There's also been whispers of him getting another promotion since his last battle, but we'll have to wait and see about that, won't we?
Daidako the Giant Octopus/Kraken
Okay, Japan, we need to talk. We get that you're happy with Daidako's success. We understand that you want him to represent the country and your company in the best way you see fit. But if you keep dragging him back into your labs so you can keep tinkering with his DNA, then we're going to have to send the SWAT teams to break your kneecaps, because it's just getting silly. And what makes it worse is that we're getting rumors that your planning to increase the amount of human cells in his system - what the hell are you weirdos up to? We swear, if that thing comes back to us knowing how to assemble nuclear reactors, then we'll be charging you for the damages!
Samuel Escardo the Mansquito
So it seems that Samuel has finally found inner peace, able to balance his human rationality and intelligence with his carnivorous insect urges. He's been spending even more time with those monks from Tibet, harnessing an unusual new form of inner energy that our scientists were just on the verge of cracking, and don't you hate it when that happens? But the general gist of it is that, thanks to whatever happened that helped him kill the Mothman, he can now throw fireballs. You know, like in Street Fighter. Also he's a dab hand at martial arts, so don't let him see you carrying any RAID or he'll snap your arm off, quick as a whip.
And introducing...
Tiburon the Mecha Shark
Let's be honest, folks - whilst the idea of entering a shark's head on a tractor would have been hilarious, we at GaiaCorp feel like we need to keep a veneer of professionalism. So we took Tiburon's head and rigged it onto a cyborg body powered by a prototype fusion reactor. We then plated the whole thing in reinforced titanium, added teeth of intermediate alloy steel and loaded the thing up with torpedoes, tracking launchers, electrified dermal armor and a few other sneaky weapons besides. He may be a bit bewildered by what's happened, but the American contender is just happy to be swimming again. Ladies and gentlemen, Mega Shark is dead - long live Mecha Shark!
THE ARENA
That's right, sports fans - we're taking this one to the big leagues! Rather than throwing these four hideous hybrids and savage cyborgs into some random, unsuspecting country and refusing to foot the damage bill, we're hosting this in our very own GaiaCorp ThunderDome! Three times the size of the famous London Olympic stadium, the ThunderDome houses over 180'000 guests and more besides as they cram to see the grand finale to the Monster Mash live and up-close! Sporting a gigantic lagoon for the swimmers, a towering Gladiators-style series of platforms for the flyers and an electrified force-field for the protection of our audience, this is the one place you want to be to view the action!
Oh, and two quick reminders, folks! Voting is now in a tiered style! You simply list the monsters you think have a chance at winning this, in order of your favorite and descending. Think the Big Bar Brawl those Kobbers have, except... better, because this is The Monster Mash. So get cracking, folks!
Second: whoever of these four monsters manages to defeat their opponents has a chance to become the new King of the Monsters! All they have to do is take down the current reigning champions...
Donner und Blitz, the PTERACUDA BROTHERS!
VOTE NOW!
Hmm. I had a lot of trouble with this one. We have four very good finalists here. After a lot of deliberation, though, I'd have to rank them thusly...
ReplyDelete#4: DAIDAKO
I love octopuses and cephalopods in general so I'm hoping this dude doesn't come back too Cthulhu-esque from all that pesky human DNA. I want to rank him higher, but his competition is steep. Most crucially, his upgrade seems lesser compared to the rest, and the others have firepower that can easily tear Daidako apart due to his lack of protection.
#3: SAMUEL
Mansquito's looking good and he's shown in the past he can handle opponents significantly larger than himself. His fireballs won't be as effective here as they could be due to him facing three aquatic animals, and while he can deal with one giant I'm not sure he can handle three - it might take too much out of him.
#2: TIBURON
Mecha Shark has everything he needs to succeed except for brains. He is definitely the "big lug" in this four-way. While a full-out assault from his shiny new weapons could probably paste anyone else in the arena in singles competition, multi-ways require cunning, intelligence, and planning that a giant robot shark just doesn't have. Tiburon will do well, but I think he'll fall short.
#1: CLADES
Sharktopus may be the cliched pick, but it feels like the right one. He's pretty clever - maybe not as smart as Mansquito or Kraken, but wise enough. On top of that, his weaponry and upgrades are comparable to fellow shark Tiburon. By possessing both brains and brawn as well as improved defenses and versatile skills, I think Sharktopus will be the one to seize the day.
#4 SAMUEL
ReplyDeleteI really, REALLY, wanted to place the ole squiter a good deal higher than dead last for pulling a Prometheus and lighting the shadow of Moth "I AM NIGHTMARE" Man. But the guy is just outclassed on every front. He's way outside his weight class here with any of the other competitors possibly able to swat him just by falling over on to him. When faced with big, muscley tentacles, the bristling laser spears of the space legions, and the oldy but goody of big ole guns that what shoot good...Well mosquito DNA and Yoga Fire don't add up to a hill of beans in this crazy, horrifying, world.
#3 DAIDAKO
I like a giant gene-spliced octopus as well as anyone else, but it's claiming this spot by technicality alone. I think Mansquitto could even take Daidako, if he could just get the thing out of the water and out into the open, but that seems very unlikely. As confused as its genes are, it kept its focus and played to its strengths priorly, allowing it to really kraken to the competition. The problem is that, for all the tinkering the Japanese have done here, their octopus has been beaten in the arms race. Literally, in the sharktopus's case, bringing its arms to bare and also its weapons. Now, for all Tiburon's mechanized might, Daikado could pop that sucker open like a crab dinner. If it could get passed the TORPEDOS AND TRACKING LAUNCHERS. I hope you brought soy sauce, because it's time for sushi!
#2 CLADES
And in comes the combination of two deep sea phobias rankin' with the legion, make you HAIL CAESAR! But what have the Romans ever done for us? Brutalize a giant gator that was anything but placid, and tear the the piranha out of an anaconda! The sharktopus well deserves his laurels, but history shall repeat itself as the footsoldier finds himself outclassed by the cavalry.
#1 TIBURON
This Mega Mecha is too fucking heavy! You can't ignore his girth! bristling with heavy weaponry and glistening with with his stately new iron sides, this S-boat shall plow through all opposition metaphorically and literally like the torpedoes it shall block out the briny sun with like the arrows fired the armored men on horseback of old. This competitor truly is jawsome.
#1 MECHA SHARK
ReplyDeleteThis guy may have been a first-round loser, but damn if he hasn't made up for it in a big way! That list of metallic upgrades is going to make him a big tank when it comes to this fight, and considering the relative squishiness of two-thirds of his competition, durability is going to be very important here. I can see him easily outpowering Mansquito and Daidako, and in a toe-to-toe with Clades... well, it's a tough tossup, but I'm siding with the shark that has the extra firepower and fewer possibilities for de-limbing.
#2 SHARKTOPUS
A history of losing limbs isn't too much of a problem when you plate them back up! Metallic limbs may be potentially pullable, but it'll solve the big weakness of being an octopus, that's for sure. Combine that with a laserblade, armor, and a whole bunch of explosives, and I think Clades is going to go far in this one.
#3 MANSQUITO
On the one hand, I'd like to see Samuel win, but on the other hand, I just can't see how it'd happen. He's going up against three enemies who are much larger than he is, and with all three being SEA CREATURES, I can't imagine his new fire ability will help anywhere near as much as it did against Mothman. Still, inner balance and improved tactics should count for at least something, and I wouldn't be surprised if he takes down at least one other in this battle before going down himself.
#4 DAIKADO
I like the giant octopus, but I just can't bring myself to push for him this time. As with Sharktopus, having a bunch of extra limbs means they're all vulnerable... and unlike Sharktopus, there's been no real accomodation for his squishy exterior. Adding more human DNA could easily backfire, too, leaving him too identity-scrambled to really make an impact. Overall, I just think Daikado's team didn't give him the upgrades to keep him on par with the rest of the group here.
VOTING IS NOW CLOSED!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your input! We extended the voting period for a bit, owing to Mecha Shark getting hungry and eating our vote tallying machine. Seriously, who gave him an industrial mincer for a throat?!
Expect the fight to be broadcast soon... once we get this idiot fish under control.