Fighting Game Characters Suck #2 - Andy and Mai

Last time on Fighting Game Characters Suck (which was like five months ago, Jesus fucking Christ), we discussed how Ryu, the poster boy of fighting games, is actually a mental deficient with the social skills of a drainpipe and is hellbent on ruining his best friend's life and, eventually, the lives of everyone else. This week, we're going to get a bit more personal with our mud-slinging - rather than insulting one guy, we're going to insult two people and explain why their plans are total crap. Step in, Andy Bogard and Shiranui Mai!

Today's FGCS comes with picture captions! You're welcome!

Welcome, welcome, take a seat. Now, I hear that the both of you are engaged to be married at... some point in the future. Whenever your company can make the time to make it a canon thing. And really, I would like to say congratulations. I mean, you two are such a perfect fit for each other! You both practice the same martial art, you both have ridiculous body proportions and you have irresponsibly long ponytails! Andy is a calm, compassionate soul and Mai is a fun-lover looking to settle down! Truly you are the perfect future partnersnrrrrrrrrk

...okay, I'm sorry, I couldn't finish that with a straight face. I would say congratulations, but then my throat would turn itself inside out for telling a dirty lie. Instead, I would suggest you not go through with this idiotic plan and just break up already. And if you, the reader, want to know about this weird marriage counselor turn I've taken, hit the jump and be educated.

WARNING: One or two images here may be NSFW. Please ensure your boss isn't reading over your shoulder before hitting that jump button. And then TATSUMAKI!

1. Andy is pretty much Ryu again.
Since I already covered what's wrong with Ryu, I won't go into as much detail over here, but suffiece to say that Andy has very similar problems. He has major trouble emoting and being honest, especially when it comes to cracks about how short he is, and seems to struggle socially if the conversation is not to do with fighting. When he feels like he's been offended, he puts on this weird, braggart personality to deflect the issue rather than just take it on the chin, and he pretty much seems withdrawn overall. On top of this, he has a major inferiority complex against his brother Terry, which I would call wholly justified since, let's face it, Terry seems kind of a dick and would probably hold his own victories over little bro's head. And I sympathize with that, because I too am a little brother, and have often fantasized about beaning my sibling with a fireball

However, I will make the concession Andy doesn't have it nearly as bad as that wacko karate hobo. Andy does seem to have a personal life outside of the ring, as he's pals with people like Joe Higashi and Robert Garcia - perhaps they spend some nights at the pub talking about football and the government. He seems far less stoic and unmoving, and he even gets angry and uncomfortable about personal attacks on himself, to which Ryu would probably just react to like a tree reacting to a gnat bumping against it. And he has a protege in the form of Hokutomaru from Garou, whom he teaches his fighting style to so he can continue fighting after he's retired, and the kid actually looks up a lot to him. So whatever social problems Andy has, it's less mental disorder and more just basic social awkwardness.

"Wanna go for a pint, guys?" "Only if Andy's paying!" "I fucking hate you..."

 But even so, whilst Andy seems more of a social person, we don't really see much of him socializing outside the tournaments. It seems fighting is all he wants to do, and whilst I grant it's more of a hobby with him than an obsession, a hobby can go kind of too far - after mastering the badass style that lets you throw fireballs and break bones, he now wants to learn the same martial art his future wife uses as well! I have trouble memorizing one kind of musical instrument, let alone an entire fighting style, so how Andy would be able to memorize both without his brain exploding is beyond me. And I didn't add that "perhaps" to that pub joke idly, because we don't see anything that would indicate he has much of a social life - I'd like to think Andy does stuff outside of fighting, and there certainly are hints that he does, but it's never elaborated on and thus isn't part of his character.

So we boil all that down, and so far he seems a reasonable sort. A bit dull, but not really terrible marriage material. But then something awful, cloying and black rises up from the Stygian depths, and the sight of it makes us reach for the crucifixes and holy water. And that something is:

2. Andy is terrified of commitment.
Let's do a little history, shall we? Mai first appeared in Fatal Fury 2, and it was in that same game that she became attracted to Andy and decided to marry him. That was in 1992. The last we saw of the two was in KoF XIII, which came out in 2010 and still had Mai trying to get Andy to take notice of her. Which, if you ignore specific dates, adds up to about 17 years. Seventeen whole years of this one chick trying to get this man to finally wise up and actually marry her - the kind of seventeen years where nobody ages a day, but cut them some slack, it's video games.

So why hasn't Andy said yes yet?!

Objects in the foreground may- no, I can't finish that...

Look at Mai, for a moment. Look at her. I know it might be hard for some of you, but do it. Yes, it's not a realistic depiction of human biology by any means, but dear god, it's like some Japanese feudal lord's wet dream came to life and starting doing ninja kicks. And just speaking for myself, if a woman like that ever asked me to marry her, I would not hesitate for a second, although that might come down to me being terrified of her snapping me in half if I refused. Seriously, 90% of the cast considers her a bombshell, and those who don't are either evil, stupid or lying and thus don't count. And I have a mental picture of Joe Higashi watching her walk by, an expression of utter jealousy on his face, and muttering "God, why hasn't Andy tapped that yet?"

The answer is a simple one. He's scared of commiting to it. It's established he knows that Mai really likes him, and it's obvious that he's in love with her as well - it's an established part of their relationship. But seventeen fucking years is way too long to avoid popping the question, and the only explanation is that he's terrified of getting hitched up in case it gets in the way of his beloved martial arts hobby thing. He won't even answer reasonable questions from his exasperated friends about why the hell hasn't he bought a ring yet, just reverting to his braggart "watchu talkin bout" persona whenever it comes up. And somehow, he's been doing that for seventeen years, which is the biggest warning sign that he may be a responsibility-ducking coward.

"Oh, but he wants to keep the romance a secret!"

Why?! What ass-backwards logic is that!? Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I do not understand why the Japanese have this weird fascination with romance plots where the girl is screaming "JUST MARRY ME ALREADY" and the guy is like "FUCK OFF". It makes the guy look like a coward who's frightened of a woman's icky parts, and it makes the woman look like an insane stalker who probably should be locked in a padded cell (looking at you, Amy Rose). And trying to keep a relationship secret makes both of them look awkward as hell, because that raises the question of what might be wrong with the relationship. Why keep it a secret if it's supposedly a healthy, loving partnership?

"Oh, but he doesn't think he's mature enough to balance marriage and hobbies yet!"

Okay, I might concede that one. After all, if I didn't think I had the balls to manage having a wife, I too would have second thoughts about leaping head-first into marriage. And in some ways, I can respect Andy for wanting to have the time to try and figure out how his life is gonna go and to try and shake off some of his worse characteristics to make himself suitable for Mai. It's just that, well, seventeen years might be too long a time to do that. Ruto in Ocarina of Time might have complained about Link keeping her waiting for seven years, but cut her some slack - they were both kids, and probably didn't even know what marriage was to begin with. And in any case, she should be grateful she wasn't being blue-balled (is that the right phrase?) for the idiotic amount of time Mai was.

Also, the problem with maturity might not lie with Andy. It might be more to do with his fiance.

3. Mai is the immature one here, and it's kinda creepy.
Now, I don't play many SNK fighters, so I couldn't give much of a crap for the tangled labyrinth that is KoF canon. But from what I managed to extrapolate from the SNK wiki, Mai had started off as the typical bubble-headed teen girl despite knowing an ancient martial art and having a cleavage like the San Andreas Fault. She basically had a big dream of meeting her prince charming and being whisked away to the standard fairy tale happy ending - you know, that one thing every spoiled teen brat ever dreams of ever? And so when Andy came along, probably still smarting from the latest noogie Terry had given him, Mai immediately fell in love with him and decided he was gonna be her future husband.

Um... Mai, dear, are you sure about that?

See, she's basically committed the textbook teen girl error - falling for the first handsome guy she sees. Not only is it mind-bogglingly shallow, because she didn't even bother to get to know him before jumping straight to proposals, but it's also kind of creepy in that she basically threw herself at him. No dates, no quiet moments together, no visits to the cinema to argue over wherever to see Titanic 3D or Avengers - it's just "HEY I THINK YOU'RE HOT MARRY ME" from the word go. She didn't even bother to find if they had anything in common besides being able to punch things really hard, it was just his boyish looks and proficiency with throwing fireballs that attracted her to him. That's not really much to go on, love.

Now I see why Andy's scared of committing to the whole marriage thing; he's scared of his future wife because she's - and let's be reasonable about this - kinda psycho. There's been battle intros between the two where she freaks him out by putting on a wedding dress or showing him a doll and calling it their future baby, and that's when a sane man should call the cops. Her Fatal Fury 2 ending shows her using the poor guy as a luggage boy at one moment - that's not exactly grounds for a stable relationship! She's pretty much shanghaied the poor dude into engagement, and he's too terrified of her obvious immaturity to object to it. Turns out that earlier joke I made about myself was more apropos than I thought.

This is like something out of the Ring.

 "Oh, but she needs to badger him into taking part in the KoF tournaments! That shows he's afraid to commit!"

And why do you think that is, huh? Every time they interact in the tournaments, she's basically screaming at him for not just dropping to one knee immediately and presenting the ring. Everyone else is also yelling at him to marry her, even though he's obviously scared of her and she's obviously kind of insane in the membrane. And when seventeen whole years pass and she's still pulling the same shit, you have to wonder who's the immature one here. Poor Andy must spend some of his days in the pub crying about how scared he is and not wanting to enter any more tournaments, and all Iori can do is put an arm around his shoulder and go "There, there, buddy, it's gonna be alright."

So it would seem that the problem is more Mai than Andy. It's not a case of a guy being afraid to commit to a girl because he doesn't think he's ready for it, it's a case of the guy being shit-scared of a girl who hasn't grown up past her "teenage stalker" phase. Mai choosing to hang out with a female team rather than stick with her husband is just another symptom of that - she's saying "look at me, I'm going with someone else, better hurry up and buy that ring or else I'm gone", which is illogical in the extreme. And it's kind of your fault, Mai - you've found out too late that Andy is not the guy for you, but you won't give up on the dream of your childhood because...?

And in any case, it's not the end of the world for her.

4. It's not like Mai couldn't find anyone else.
Now, I know what you're thinking. We've established that Andy is frightened of commitment, and that Mai is kind of clingy and demanding. They've got too little in common, and aren't really suited for each other, so it's best to just call the whole thing off and look for other prospective partners. But that raises the question of: who else is there for Mai to get chummy with, apart from the guy we've just established is no good for her because she's being creepy about it?

Allow me to list some eligible bachelors.

Terry, Andy's big bro - which, to be honest, would come off as rubbing it in poor Andy's face, so forget I mentioned him. Joe Higashi, the kickboxer voiced by the same dude who did Link. Ryo Sakazaki, who honestly comes across as though he needs to get laid just to mellow him out. Kyo Kusagani, despite being to my mind yet another dull shonen protagonist, would also be a good fit, if only for a fling - they do seem to have a very enthusiastic friendship. Kim Kaphwan, although I suspect the instant he caught sight of her cleavage he would pass out from embarrassment. Hell, there's like nine or ten other men Mai could shack up with, if you cut out all the ugly, fat or blatantly evil members of the cast.

And hell, why stop at dudes? Mai's been a part of the female team for several tournaments now, if only because she's fed up of badgering Andy to team up with her. Who's to say she doesn't have an eye for the ladies, like staunch French lady King? Yes, I know she has a thing for Ryo, but honestly, I doubt even they have a healthy relationship considering his temper problems. Maybe she'd rather try someone younger, like Yuri, whom I bring up because I refuse to believe a teenage girl is in a relationship with a dude who looks to be in his late twenties (Seriously, Robert, that's pretty fucked). Again, if Mai decides she'd rather shack up with a lady instead of a dude, then she pretty much has all the choices in the cast available to her!

"Oh, but Mai's obviously straight!"

...god damn you, I didn't want to link this image.

I hope you're proud of yourselves.

I know, it's just some dumb promotional art. But let's pretend, for the moment, that it's saying more than that - it would indicate that, at the very least and at a rather large stretch, Mai could possibly be bisexual. Chun-Li is a rather unknown factor, since fighting games don't usually address sexuality (yay for Kung Jin), but she and Mai would make a pretty badass couple, cleaning the streets of thugs and playfully arguing wherever Chinese or Japanese tea is the best. And whilst I'm on the subject, since Capcom vs. SNK is a thing, one could also consider the other Capcom guys and gals from that roster as well, but that's best left for the deranged realm that is fan fiction, where even angels fear to tread without heavy-duty combat boots.

My point is, someone with Mai's looks shouldn't restrict themselves to the one dude. It's clearly not working out with Andy, and every other fighter on the roster, man and woman alike, considers her pretty at the least. So in the event she does finally get fed up with him and decide she needs to see other people, there's more than enough fish in the sea for her until she can finally decide who she wants to spend her life with. Andy would probably appreciate it, too, because it would mean he would look for a prospective partner who isn't a clingy psycho ninja and would pay more respect to his insecurities and his personal desires. I can literally see no reason for this to fail, except because SNK wouldn't be able to keep dragging this fucking plot point out for seventeen god-damn years.

In short, Andy, Mai, I'm sorry. But you two just aren't meant for each other.

Next time on FGCS: Scorpion is a selfish idiot, I mean, Jesus Christ.