Sorry, sports fan, but we forgot to tell you about Donner und Blitz, the PTERACUDA BROTHERS. They're the current reigning champions of the Monster Mash circuit, having held the position for at least three years now, and they're not about to let some jumped-up newbie take their hard-earned glory away from them. Shrieking like banshees who've been tasered in the scrotum, the triphibian terrors circle the arena airspace, gnashing their horrible teeth, before diving down towards their prone prey...
We now return to your egularly scheduled program...
Before Tiburon can move, the Pteracuda Bros. are upon him, swooping down and grasping hold of his fins in their powerful talons. Then their pointed, toothy beaks come darting in, seeking the cracks in the metallic outer armor, sensitive nostrils telling them that is where the tender flesh lies.Pointed teeth dig and scour at the chinks in the steel, looking to pry out tasty morsels and crack open the shell to get at the tender treats within.
Of course, Mecha Shark isn't about to let their hybrid horrors have their own way just yet. He may be exhausted and bleeding out from his extended tussle with three other monsters beforehand, but he can still fight - and he proves it by thrashing madly, churning the water with his tail and snapping his awful, metallic mouth at his attackers. He can't turn on the electrified armour - as we explained before, Clades the Sharktopus managed to sever all the wires that let him do that, so this is pretty much the best defense he's got right now. He's not sure what else to do, and hope this tactic works.
Unfortunately, it doesn't do much at all. The Pteraduca's nostrils are full of the scent of blood - blood spilled by the previous combatants during the Fatal Four-Way - and it's driving them wild, wild enough to step up their attacks on the semi-conscious shark in front of them rather than snatch up the easier morsels littering the arena. Already, Donner is rearing back his head, making a muffled gargling noise at the back of his throat, before lunging forward and hocking up an awful, slimy glob of burning acid right onto Tiburon's face. That's bound to hurt, even if it doesn't succeed in melting through the metal.
It does, and Mecha Shark roars as the sizzling liquid eats away at his outer shell. Looking to escape this new, burning pain, the cyborg carcharodon twists his body around, his tail smacking Blitz in the face in the process, and dives deep into the pool to try and escape his pursuers. His grip slipping from the exterior, Donner is forced to take off to avoid a premature dunking, flapping and shrieking indignantly, whilst his brother struggles to stay in the air, smarting from the impromptu blow to his face. Both of them hover, watching as Tiburon tries to flatten himself to the bottom of the pool in an attempt to evade further attack.
But if he thought he could evade the current Kings of the Monsters that way, he thought wrong.
Neither Donner nor Blitz are about to let their prey get away this easily, especially not any prey with designs on their championship. With a screech, the more impulsive Blitz tucks in his wings and rockets downward like a gannet, slicing into the water like a knife and powering through it towards Tiburon. He is joined by Donner in short order, the two of them keeping their wings tucked in to streamline themselves as they speed towards the frightened fish-cyborg thing at mind-boggling speeds.
Panic flares in Mecha Shark's mind - he should have expected his prey to be able to swim as well as fly, but not this fast! In a desparate attempt to try and keep the deadly duo away from him, he swings open his side ports and lets fly with a battery of underwater flak in an attempt to bewilder and divert the Pteracuda Bros. from their target. The shells burst in a confusing fireworks show of light and noise, but it's no good - the beastly brothers just keep on coming, undeterred by the distracting display in front of them and continuing their perilous pursuit.
...I should really stop with this alliteration nonsense, shouldn't I?
Now Tiburon is really starting to panic. Is there no escape from these monsters, whom he so rashly assumed were fish intended for his victory meal? Immediately, he turns and tries to flee, rocketing down the pool with great sweeps of his tail in a bid to keep some distance between him and the Pteracuda Bros. But the duo, being lighter, are much faster in the water than the bigger monster, and the squared-off nature of the pool means he can't hide from them, so no matter which way he twists and turns Tiburon just can't seem to shake them. What will it take to get rid of these things?
It isn't long before things go really bad for Mecha Shark, as the beastly brothers suddenly split in two, Donner moving to cut the bigger beast off from the rest of the pool. Like lightning, the hybrid horror sweeps in front of his prey, spreading his wings and screeching like a dial-up-connection throwing a temper tantrum - how he manages that under water is beyond me. Startled, Tiburon tries to back up, but Blitz, lurking behind him, bites him in the tail and forces him to turn around again. Approaching from two opposite angles, the siblings hem in their quarry, trapping it against a corner of the pool and leaving him with nowhere to go.
How can he get out of this one?
The answer comes quicker than expected. You all know the phrase "the cornered rat will fight the cat"?
Well, change that to "the cornered cyborg shark will fight the half-fish half-pteranodon". Because having twigged that his enemes aren't going to leave him alone, Tiburon realizes that he's going to have to fight one last time to secure his freedom. It's not what he was looking forward to or expecting, nor does he understand why the humans are making him do this, but it's the only option he has now. If he wants to survive, he's going to have to get his teeth dirty.
And that's just what he intends to do.
Donner may have planned out the whole scheme of cornering a giant cyborg shark, but he obviously didn't think far enough ahead to cover all his options. This becomes clear when, as Mecha Shark suddenly lunges at him, snapping furiously, he shrieks and backpedals comically through the water rather than come up with a new tactic. The teeth clack together mere inches from his face as the fearsome fish gives chase, and the elder of the Pteracuda's knows that if those jaws shut together around his neck, he's as good as dead. He can only hope his brother has the presence of mind to stay back and away from the mechanized predator.
His hopes are dashed by a scream of rage, as Blitz sees what he thinks is the perfect killing opportunity getting away from him. In an attempt to save his brother from what could definitely be a messy death, the younger monster lunges towards the scuffle, moving like a whippet to catch up with the speeding shark. His scales flash as his electric eel genes reveal their deadly secret - muscles tense within his body, firing off directed electrical blasts that fill the arena with white flashes egding on purple. The crowd screams in shock as Blitz pours bolt after bolt of electrical power against the Mecha Shark, hoping to stun the beast and give his brother time to get away.
But Mecha Shark's body was designed to withstand his own electrical dermal armor, the skil absorbing the shocks like they are nothing. All the attack does is get Tiburon's attention, the American contender whipping around to glare at the distraction. Whilst it does mean Donner puts more space between them as he swims to the far side of the pool, it also means that the shark is now focused on Blitz, who is still blindly charging at his enemy in a rage. And unlike Donner, the younger sibling hasn't the smarts to realize what he's doing might be really stupid.
Which works out just fine for Tiburon.
The titantic terror changes direction, dashing right for his other opponent.
Blitz keeps coming, screeching and spitting. And he dodges the first bite, swooping around in the water and raking the side of his opponent with his talons, slicing gruesome gashes in the metal. Water starts to leak in immediately, and it's probably going to do something nasty to the electronics in the future, but in his anger Blitz has forgotten a trait his half-robot foe shares with him - really good water mobility. Pteracudas twist and turn with the best of them, but so do sharks, and that doesn't stop just because they're bolted onto a bunch of robot parts.
Which the youngest of the German lawkeepers realizes too late.
It's certainly sudden to Donner.
Ever since he and Blitz hatched from the same egg, he can't remember a moment where they didn't do anything apart. Gulping down fish, corraling escaping prisoners, executing those on Germany's fabled Todesblock with acid or thunder... the two have been inseperable, for almost all their lives. Together, they had triumphed against the terrible Snakehead Swarm in the Monster Mash three years ago, and together they beat back all who would dare challenge them for the title. Not even the crowd favourites, the plague-ridden Flu Birds, could stand against them.
And now... He's alone, for the first time in his life.
And he doesn't like it.
For a moment, he seems frozen on the spot, horrified by what he's seeing. Blood fills his nostrils - the blood of his own brother, as Tiburon continues to gulp down what remains of the ufortunate blitz, industrial grinder throat taking care of the morsels. His limbs are frozen - he knows he should do something, fight back against this monster, but for the life of him he can't bring himself to act. Without his brother to plan attacks with, or to simply provide a distraction, Donner has no idea what to do next, unable to form a coherant method in his slighty-more-advanced brain.
Tiburon doesn't care, because this is the tastiest fish ever. You would have thought that hybridizing Pteranodons with barracuda wouldn't have made for a very tasty dish, but apparently the protector of the East Coast thinks overwise, because he's making a regular meal out of what remains of Blitz! It's like somebody put turkey and salmon on the same plate, and somehow the flavours combined are not horrible - at least, that's what I think he's thinking. Can't really tell, with these robot sharks.
But as Tiburon feasts, he turns, exposing the horrific gashes in his side to Donner. The glint of exposed electronics galvanises Donner into motion - immediately, he lunges forward, using his powerful tail and wings to cover the distance between him and Mecha Shark within a mere second. His hooked claws latch onto the side of the metallic monster, securing his hold, and before the outsized shark has any idea what's going on, the last of the Pteracuda Bros. is driving his pointed snout into the open rips, prising them apart even more as he pecks and bites at the wiring and cabling beneath the breached armor.
Apparently, that's enough to cause some distress to Tiburon, because this is the moment where he starts thrashing and jerking like somebody's zapped him with a cattle prod. Bits of Blitz (see what I did there? Hah hah, I love my job) rain down onto the tiling as the cybernetic sea monster tries his best to shake off his tormentor, lashing around and trying to bite into Donner the same way he did with his now-deceased brother, but it doesn't seem to be working out. Donner is just too stubborn, clinging on desperately and scrambling all over his foe, biting and scratching as he goes. More gashes and tears open up, and it isn't long before sparks start spurting through the water as electronical systems go haywire.
Tiburon quickly realizes what this might mean. If Donner keeps up this assault, then he could very well puncture something vital, like the visual feed or the motor drive. Whatever he manages to find could very well end up crippling the shark, leaving him open to being literally disemboweled. Worse still, if he somehow manages to bite through the spinal cable connecting his fleshy shark brain to the rest of his body... then that could be serious trouble. And by 'trouble', think ' paralyzed shark getting eaten alive by bloodthirsty prehistoric triphibian'. This is not the environment for dealing with these kind of tactics - there's too much room for Pteracuda to manouvre and get the drop on him.
For the first time in his life, Mecha Shark has an idea. One that isn't eat things.
Get out of here.
He moves, and at first it doesn't seem like he's sticking with his own plan. He's just swimming around and around in circles, tiny robo-eyes narrowed as he tries to wear out the pain of the constant biting and clawing Donner is doing. The Pteracuda, for his part, isn't quite sure what the shark is up to, and he doesn't care - he's doing everything in his power to try and find something he can do some real damage to, not really knowing where the more vital bits on Mecha Shark are. So he's not too fazed, when, as soon as he's got himself some momemntum, Tiburon dives down into the very bottom of the pool. There's more important things, like prising open this panel-
Which pops itself open, much to his shock. And them blasts him in the face with white-hot, superheated water.
Remember those jet rockets from earlier? Well, they're back, and now Mecha Shark is ascending from the bottom of the water, moving with enough momentum to make his tremendous bulk completely leap out of the pool, straight upwards into the air. And not a wild curve, like he did when he smashed Daidako the Kraken into pieces on the roof, but a direct, straight line, soaring upwards like a space shuttle just got kicked by a professional footballer. Donner is still clinging to him, shrieking and flapping his wings madly, and-
OH SHIT!
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Greetings, Monster Mash fans! It's your eye in the sky, Bruce Kent, having upgraded my helicopter to jet-powered personal VTOL after what happened with Mothman! Whew, that was hairy!
In any case, our team is doing it's best to keep up with the fight, which has now gone airborne! Even as I speak, we're pulling up alongside Tiburon, who's careening headfirst through the sky at a screaming pace! He's still got fight in him, though - he's twisting and turning as he goes, trying to get his teeth into Donner, who's still clinging onto him even though they're reaching at least Mach 2 right about now! It's all my vehicle can do to keep up with all of this madness, but it's riveting stuff - my Rating-O-Meter's going through the roof! This is amazing - I'll bet nobody else has ever gotten this close to a Monster Mash battle in-
WHOA!
Sorry, viewers - had to take evasive manouvres. Tiburon just fired off his hidden flak cannons - I think he was hoping the shrapnel would be able to dislodge the last remaining Pteracuda brother! But Donner's still hanging on - amazing how he can, with the speed they're both going at - and now he's scrambing up the massive form, trying to do as much damage to the American competitor as he can! He's clawing, he's biting, he's even being a vidnictive jerk and spitting acid into open wounds to try and inflict some actual pain on Mecha Shark! Man, I knew the Germans were spiteful about WW2, but I didn't it extended to giant animals beating each other up!
Jeez, Mecha Shark's not liking that one bit. He's roaring like a steam locomotive's just stood on some Lego, and he's thrashing and twisting in a bid to get the German competitor off of him! I'm not sure it's gonna work out, because he's nowhere near as manouverable in the air as he is on land, but he's doing his damndest - in fact, I think it's changing his flight path a bit! Wow, some of his blood just splatted onto the windshield! This is awesome stuff!
Hang on, I'm getting an update on my PDA... seems the science guys at GaiaCorp have been able to calculate and predict the trajectory of Mecha Shark. His jets don't have enough fuel to take him far, so sooner or later they're going to cut out and he's gonna plummet out of the sky like a speeding truck with teeth. Hold on a moment, viewers, the schematics are coming up...
...oh. They've got an estimate - somewhere around... Manhattan.
And that spluttering sound you just heard was Tiburon's jets running out of fuel.
...CLEAR THE DECKS, MANHATTAN! THIS ONE'S GONNA BE BIG!
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Donner prises open one gummy eye and tries to work out where he is.
He's part-buried in what remains of a skyscraper, rubble and steel littering the street. It spreads out for a good twenty metres on either side, with anything caught in the way bein pretty much crushed - lamp posts, cars and more besides. There's a lot of people running away from him at the moment, although since he can see them surging past him they don't seem to be doing a very good job of it. The sun is shining harshly down on a cloudless day, half-blinding the Pteracuda, although he can't feel much of it on his body due to being partly-buried.
Also, he hurts. A lot.
With a grunt of effort, the hybrid horror hauls himself out of the wreckage, slabs of metal and concrete sliding off of him. A quick look reveals why he hurts so much - one wing is broken, the membrane torn from the joint right down to the edge, and his tail is at an angle that can't possibly be healthy. Scales have chipped off, one eye is shut and his claws are split, with only his teeth being any worse off. Donner is not looking good right now, and the mere sight of him causes the crowd to turn and run the other way, shrieking in even more horror than they already had to begin with.
Well, at least he's better off than Tiburon. Because, as far as he knows, the shark is dead. For the third year running, he has defended his title as King of the Monsters, even if his brother is no longer here to share the glory with him. Soon, his masters will come and pick him up, and then he can rest, recover and-
...wait.
Something is wrong.
Donner looks up, just in time to see the rubble slide off the metallic hulk.
...no, your eyes are not playing tricks, folks. That shark is on tank treads, and it is moving.
Tiburon isn't really sure what's going on either, if I'm honest with you. He didn't even know he could do this until now, and in all honesty he's in a lot of pain right now, so he can't really give much thought as to how or why he's able to do it. But he knows being in a lot of pain is preferable to being dead, and he's upright and moving, which is better than being buried under what remains of a skyscraper. And, more to the point, he's quite angry about having acid being spat in his eye.
Time to end this.
Ponderously, Mecha Shark trundles forwards, seeking his foe admist the ruins of the former shopping mall. His eyes are alight with terrible purpose, and his mouth is parted in anticipation of the kill, the metallic teeth glinting in the sunlight. People are running and screaming, as panicked crowds are wont to do, but he doesn't pay any attention to them - they aren't what he's looking for, and in any case he reckons he can apologize for blowing things up later.
A cold horror seeps through Donner as he realizes just what is going to happen. He is much worse off than Tiburon - a mangled wing is several degrees more crippling than being a land-bound shark, and he doesn't know if he has the acid remaining to do any significant damage to the mechanical monster. And whilst Mecha Shark is pretty dented, along with a large gash along one side, it's doubtful that Pteracuda would be able to do any lasting damage with teeth and claws alone. If he was to attack the cybernetic shark, then it would more than likely end in his death.
...well, that is what the people want to see, isn't it? Lots of blood, and violence, and horrible abominations dying horribly.
Might as well give them what they want.
Donner rears up, spreading his wings and screeching defiance.
Tiburon hears, and turns around.
And his jaws part.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... YOUR NEW REIGNING CHAMPION OF THE MONSTER MASH AND THE KING OF THE MONSTERS...
TIBURON THE MECHA SHARK!
Dear god, what a fight! What a ruckus! What a way for the reigning champion to go out, and for a new one to stake his claim to that coveted title of King of the Monsters! Ladies and Gentlemen, the crowds are going wild and our ratings have shot up to impossible levels - if that gay robot from Undertale was here, he'd be having a processor meltdown at how many people are tuning in to this thing right now! America has won the Monster Mash, for the first time in what amounts to five years, and the world is not even mad about it because look at Tiburon right now!
Ladies and Gentlemen, we normally celebrate shit like this with a parade, but Tiburon don't need no parade - he's making one himself, trundling towards the oceans as he seeks refuge from his wounds and the heat of the sun. People are shrieking, waving, throwing their bras at him - look at it! We'll probably have to wait a month or so whilst his engineers fix him up so he can get his trophy, but... oh jeez, I am feeling so patriotic right now! And I'm not even American - I had my nationality revoked for reasons I can't disclose on national television!
Well... that was another year... and another Monster Mash! Connor Hardy, signing off! See you all in two years time, when we bring out the giant monsters for yet another pummeling! And don't forget - literally everything in our store is 50% off until the closing ceremony, when all of our services will be on hiatus until the next tournament!
Until then, sports fans... keep roaring!
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Tired hands move away from the keyboard, coming together to soothe aching fingers. A relived breath is exhaled.
"Finally... it's done."
"Now," muses Dirk, "who do I send this manuscript to?"
THE MONSTER MASH 199X
10th November 2012 - 29th November 2015
Written by STEEL KOMODO
Artwork by GOOPER BLOOPER, THE DELETER and OTHERS
Music by VARIOUS ARTISTS
Main Theme: "Invader" - the theme of Antonio Cesaro
Official Music Playlist coming soon!
THANK YOU.
IT WAS DIRKY, KOBBERS
ReplyDeleteIT WAS DIRKY ALLLLL ALONG, KOBBERS
YOU ALL BOUGHT IT
EVEN MY FAMILY! EVEN MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY BOUGHT IT
AW SON OF A BITCH
Delete