"Helloooo, everyone! Hope you're having a good afternoon, viewers - we've decided to take this programme to the Salt-Tea Cafe as we sit down for coffee!"
"Which is what we do every day, but whatever."
"And we start off with the biggest thing to start the Lunchtime news with - the latest in Hero Watch! And whilst most of these brave, selfless types that call themselves the Kobbers are rather elusive and hard to capture on film, our ink-redible team-"
"Oh, my Cod, you actually went there."
"-managed to do what no other news corporation has done until now! That's right - we've finally got exclusive footage of that brave, dashing, very-obviously-handsome-"
"Which is what we do every day, but whatever."
"And we start off with the biggest thing to start the Lunchtime news with - the latest in Hero Watch! And whilst most of these brave, selfless types that call themselves the Kobbers are rather elusive and hard to capture on film, our ink-redible team-"
"Oh, my Cod, you actually went there."
"-managed to do what no other news corporation has done until now! That's right - we've finally got exclusive footage of that brave, dashing, very-obviously-handsome-"
"Stick to the script, Callie, jeez."
"...WE GOT FOOTAGE OF OOO!"
"Yes, after actual weeks of trawling around with our hidden cameras, we managed to catch that mystery masked man in action. About time too, I say."
"And this, viewers, is what we saw!"
Sparks flew as the Tiger Claws raked across the armoured hide, and the mole-like creature scream rand through the air as the force of the attack threw it backwards along the street. The figure responsible - none other than Kamen Rider OOO, rose from his attacking stance to observe his foe, who had collapsed heavily to the sidewalk and was now writing about in considerable pain, the gashes in his chest oozing a sickly yellow mist.
"It's over, Mogura!" cried OOO, pointing a dramatic finger. "I'm gonna bury your plans before they even get off the ground!"
"No!" howled the mole monster, struggling to rise. "The Badan Empire will rise again! I will ensure it!"
"Well, I'll hope you're in-sured..."
Quickly, the masked warrior plucked his circular scanner from his belt and ran it across the front, where the medals set within lit up...
SCANNING CHARGE!
"...because I'm putting you back down under! Rideeer..."
With a great bound, OOO sprang into the air, energy coursing through his entire form. Mogura saw the danger immediately, scrambled to his feet and turned to run, gasping with barely-contained dread as he made off down the street. But his short legs could only carry him at a clumsy lumber that the average cow, never mind a human, could outpace, and it seemed even he knew he couldn't escape what was coming next.
"KIIIIIICK!"
One overproduced explosion later, and yet another plot involving giant organizations was swiftly averted.
-------
"...um. Callie? You're drooling."
"Wh- oh! Sorry! Well, I guess that proves OOO is on our side, no matter what those conservative jerks at Fox News say! And it just goes to show: you can be as evil, giant and mysterious as you like, but it doesn't amount to anything if brave, dashing heroes like that can stop you! Marie, over to you - what's your opinion on this situation?"
"Well, Callie, considering what we've just seen, I feel that I have to pose a direct question to this "Badan Empire". And in the spirit of the Lunchtime news, I'd like to ask - would you like some sugar with your coffee?"
"Because I imagine you must be feeling salty about this!"
"HAH! On form as usual, Marie!
"Next up - it's nearly that time of year, folks! When the weirdos move in, and the even worse weirdos show up to get their faces kicked in by the first bunch of weirdos! That's right - Kobber Season is almost upon us, and rumours are flying around that they may return to the Den of Lions hotel, casino and lounge for this year! So, if you ever want to get some autographs, you know just where to go"
"Ugh, again? Last time they turned up, a whole section of the city got turned into a nightmarish landscape. Do we really need to include this on the news...?"
"C'mon, Marie, you can't deny they bring a bit of excitement to the place! I can't imagine a world without those guys, myself!"
"I can. It involves a cosy bed and chocolate biscuits..."
"...anyway, speaking of excitement, we regret to inform you all that there's been more attacks by the Black Dragon syndicate in the southern quarter of Vegas."
"Yes, at around ten o' clock this morning, an armoured car carrying up to five hundred thousand dollars worth of gold bars and bank-notes was assaulted by members of the criminal organization on the way through Las Vegas. Despite attempts by the police escort to protect the car, the vehicle was stolen by armed members of the gang and driven out of it's usual course, where the police lost it after a spirited chase. It is believed that the attack was orchestrated by the unseen leader of this particular branch, going under the assumed code-name of Tremor."
"A reminder to all citizens in the southern quarter - unless the travel you have to make is immediate and neccesary, stay within your homes or travel in groups. Until the authorities have managed to locate and rout the Black Dragon's centre of operations, the current threat level remains in the Red. And if you see anyone matching the descriptions given out on the Dragon Watch website, call 911 immediately. Please, stay safe and travel safely.
"...in lighter news, who likes rumours?"
"Not me. Rumours are almost never true."
"Well, too bad! Because there's one floating around right now, that wrestling superstar Rainbow Mika may be making an appearance in Vegas this year!"
"Rainbow... Oh, you mean the one with the huge-"
"Word on the grapevine is that the up-and-coming Japanese star, real name Mika Nanakawa, is considering branching out her career to other organizations besides the CWF! And having already made one special guest appearance in ZFC's Fite Club, she may be considering taking a trip to Las Vegas, to get properly involved in the kind of rough-and-tumble shenanigans they get up to in there! No doubt, fans of this rising name will be flocking in droves to see her tentacular feats off the top rope!"
"Hang on, Callie... Shouldn't this be going in the sports news?"
"Naaah! Wrestling isn't even a sport!
"Well, that's all for now, folks! We'll be turning to you over to Finn and Ray for the latest in the sports news, followed by C. Bass for the weather forecast! Don't worry too much, though - we'll right back to recap this morning's most recent news afterwards, followed by the reveal of this week's Arena rotation!
"Until next time..."
"Staaaay FRESH~!"
INTRODUCING
Keity.pop as CALLIE
and
Mari Kikuma as MARIE
"THE SQUID SISTERS"
No comments:
Post a Comment