With that said, enjoy!
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"I am uncertain about this new body design, Dirk."
There was a sentence that encapsulated Dirk Angelos in his entireity. A generally good soul overall, he nevertheless had an enthusiasm that somewhat overrode common sense, and a lot of his endeavours ran the gamut from 'unneccesary' to 'just plain crazy', fueled by the kind of testosterone that would make a rhinoceros cry foul. It was still uncertain of where on that scale starting his own robotics and clothing company would fit, and even as he began to put out ads and put together actual working models for purchase, it was a clear that more research was needed to determine how crazy this plan of his was.
However, Dawn Cosine, looking at the new body she'd ordered a week or two ago, was beginning to see a few telltale warning signs.
Original Art by zdemian
"Something seems... off," she explained, twisting around to look at the new chassis from many angles.
"What are you on about?" Dirk was slouched in an easy chair with a glass of Thatcher's Gold in one hand, admiring the view. "It's practically perfect, from where I'm sitting!"
"You would say that," was the response as the android turned her back on the mirror. Craning her head to look around, she finally located the source of the problem, and heaved something akin to a robotic sigh. For an android with a reputation for being cool, logical and somewhat stoic, it was amazing how quickly she'd learned to display emotions on a human-ish level - in this case, exasperation and slight amusement at the flared hips and prominent backside that were reflected back at her. Only Dirk Angelos would have designed a robot like this.
"Dirk," she said, slowly. "When I asked for a new body I could wear for formal occasions, I did not specify Jennifer Lopez as a body reference."
"You didn't have to, love," was the retort. "It's based on the standard model for all our range of android chassis - with those, you just have to tweak a few minor details, like hair colour."
"Standard model?" Dawn gave him a Look, the Look that said 'you must be joking'. "I paid quite a large sum for this, need we forget. I was under the impression that this was to be a bespoke chassis." But not quite this bespoke, she mentally appended, casting another glance at her new endowments.
"Well, that's all in the fine details, that is." The dark angel put down his cider, letting his more business-like demeanour show. "You'll have our proprietry carbon-kevlar nanomuscle instead of the old-fashioned plain carbon nanofibre, and the synthskin is hand-made custom weave instead of our usual batch-made stuff. You'll be able to do a bit of customizing - skin tone, hair and eye colour and a little more besides, just to make it more unique. There's other options we'll look into, like backwards compatability with your old OS, but we can run through them later..."
Dawn was beginning to relax as Dirk spoke. He actually seemed like he knew what he was doing - predictable gags about large posteriors asie, it seemed that he'd put some genuine thought into actually making androids for consumer use. For a brief moment, she was beginning to think that coming to him, and not to Mother or Carol, for a custom-made body when she was off the job wasn't the bad idea she had assumed it would be, and that things weren't about to delve into the Kobber's trademark levels of weird.
Sadly, this was a mistake. She should have remembered whom she was talking about.
"-and because you're a V.I.P. customer," Dirk was saying, "I added in one or two little... extras."
Aaaaand there it was.
"...what sort of extras?"
Dirk leaned back in his easy chair and grinned, holding that position for several seconds to let the tension build nicely.
Then he made a noise with his mouth that sounded something like "WHOOP WHOOP", and Dawn got what might have been the biggest shock of her life, or at least a good contender, as ports promptly opened up in her buttocks. But the craziness didn't stop there, as this was followed up by twin minature gatling guns emerging from within, ratcheting outwards and locking into place with satisfying clicking noises. As the red-headed android stared in bewilderment and embarrasment at her new, unexpected equipment, Dirk rose from his chair and sashayed over to her, grinning like a shark that had just spotted a whale carcass.
"Triple-locked," he explained, pointing to the guns. "Orichalcum alloy, so it's literally indestructable - much like the rest of that body, actually. Self-charging plasma generator, based on the tech in my own arm, and a digital aiming system in the back of the head with three targeting modes. And," he finished, stroking one finger along a barrel as though examining a masterpiece, "it's all military-grade construction. You could stop an army with this arse - literally!"
It took some time for Dawn to marshall her thoughts and come up with a response.
"Dirk," she said, slowly. "Am I correct in assuming that the entire design of this body... was to justify placing guns in the posterior?"
Dirk shot her a look as though she'd said something about the weather. "Well, why don't we put a Flux Capacitor in there instead? Oh, wait, we can't. Because that shit's regulated to the Underworld and back, after all the nonsense that happened with Aggie. And besides, you just said you wanted a bespoke body - you never said you didn't want awesome booty guns." He completed that line with the kind of stone-wall, self-satisfied 'I Am Right' expression that was usually reserved for Jeremy Clarkson, only made worse by the fact that... well, he was right.
"...but I specifically asked for a casual body." Even now, Dawn still grasped for some sort of logical rebuttal - no pun intended.
"It is!" Dirk grinned hugely. "Parties, weddings, boring shareholder meetings, you can do them all in this thing! And you'll look just like any other person, right up until you turn your back on some douchebag and BLAM! They become a fine powder and you just wowed the entire reception! Nobody expects the Booty Guns - just ask Astro Boy!"
"...you are going to keep calling them 'Booty Guns'," deadpanned Dawn.
"Filing a trademark application for that, actually."
Another Look. And this one made Dirk heave a sigh.
"Look, if this is about Sine," he retorted, "then who the fuck cares? You're a big girl now, and you're capable of making your own desicions - as disastrous as some of them turn out You don't need to be constantly seeking mum's approval for everything anymore, and it's none of her business if whatever you purchase has hidden guns in its backside - it's your money that's being spent. So if she complains, tell her to sod off, because it was your desicion and, if you really want to, you should stick with it."
There was a pause whilst Dawn digested this little speech, gazing into the middle distance as though lost in her own world. Dirk watched her carefully, and briefly wondered if he'd blown it and was about to lose several thousand dollars, not to mention ruined a relationship with a known friend and ally. He'd made a huge gamble with starting this company up, and he needed word of mouth to help bring in revenue and a good reputation, so if he soured things with what might have been his most important client so far...
When she next looked at him though, he was startled to see a smirk on her face.
"What options do I have for these?" Dawn asked, indicating the Booty Guns.
The way Dirk's face split into a grin would have made the aformentioned shark applaud in respect.
"I'm glad you asked~!"
Guns are always a good idea. And hey, gotta have room for 'em.
ReplyDeleteDawn's got dat boomboom.
ReplyDelete