Murdoc had never really given up on being a shithead. Despite everything the band had been through, none of the lessons seemed to stick in his head. The fame and fortune of the band had never been enough - he always had at least one finger on the thread of some criminal or supernatural connection to try and boost himself even further into success. This time, he'd been on the trail of a particularly nasty demon that had taken refuge in 2D - why, nobody knew.
But his idea of negotiations with a being of the astral plane was to lure 2D out to a nearby petrol station, under the pretext of a friendly afternoon drive, and then jab him with a needle full of truth serum.
Thankfully, the other three band members had arrived before any real damage could be done. Well, to 2D. Russel contributed to Murdoc's ninth broken nose, and Noodle didn't exactly make much effort in pulling the drummer off of him. And all while Stephen had been exorcising the demon out of 2D with what recipes he could call on. The Skinwalker Incident had left him low on supplies of magic ingredients, unfortunately.
So to say that the last few days had been trying would be an understatement. Murdoc had become sulky, feeling that nobody had wanted to hear his side of the story. Russel was deathly quiet and both 2D and Noodle kept very far away from them both. Stephen had tried to play meditator, but one catty comment too many had caused him to snap and he'd threatened to eat both bassist and drummer before storming out. It had taken Noodle half the day and several bowls of chashu ramen to calm him down.
Things weren't much better today. It had been a warm, lazy day where nobody wanted to put effort into anything, so Russel had ordered pizza. They were all sitting at the table, opening up the boxes to let the smell of cheese, meat and grease fill the dining room for what felt like the umpteenth time. Murdoc was sitting a little further away from everyone else, and Noodle sat a little closer to both 2D and Stephen. all three of them between Murdoc and Russel. Nobody was looking each other in the eye.
The silence was broken when 2D turned to Stephen, coughed and said:
"Um, could you pass the hot sauce?"
And then a Bleed-traversing spacecraft burst out of reality like pus from a boil in the middle of the dining room.
It may be comforting to know that the band did not notice this. Because its entry was accompanied by a pulse of raw space-time energy that instantly liquified them on impact.
-------
“OH, FUCK, KOUTA, WHAT DID YOU DO?!”
These were the first words of Evolto Naja as he scrambled out of the craft. As usual, the Martian was bearing the telltale signs of being very drunk - red face, slurring tongue and wobbly gait. But he was sober enough to recognise the atrocity that had just been committed in the middle of this normal-looking home. His face was drawn and his eyes were locked onto the goopy mess that decorated the floor. A mess, he knew, was the fault of both himself and the person at the controls of the Void Jumper ship they’d pilfered for the sake of a quick, drunken joyride.
Behind the controls of the craft, Kouta Tokiwa gave a piteous scream that sounded like “OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD” on a loop.
“YOU KILLED GORILLAZ,” hollered Evolto as he knelt to inspect the damage. “YOU JUST- OH, FUCK, YOU JUST KILLED THE WHOLE BAND! THIS IS NOT GREAT, THIS IS THE TOTAL OPPOSITE!”
“I DIDN’T MEAN TO!” Kouta’s voice, high-pitched and mousey at the best of times, was now the permanent shriek of a seagull getting tasered. “I DIDIN’T SEE THEM, WE WERE GOING SO FAST-“
“THIS IS WHY I TOLD YOU TO WATCH THE RADAR, KOUTA!” cried Evolto. “VOID JUMPERS DON’T FUCKING PILOT THEMSELVES! AND HYPERSPACE FRACTURES TEND TO LIQUEFY PEOPLE! OH, GOD, I THINK I CAN STILL SEE MURDOC’S FACE!” The Martian began to furiously pace back and forth, gesturing wildly as though trying to recite a half-remembered Shakespearian soliloquy to an audience that already wasn’t enraptured.
“They’re a beloved band,” he rambled, slurring in his panic. “They’re an icon of mid Two-Thousands counterculture and you just turned them into Slush Puppies. And if Dawn finds out I jacked the ship and let you drive it, she’s gonna skin me alive and have my guts for a jumprope and- Oh, hey,” he noted as he saw the puddle that had once been Stephen. “Who's that kid? I don't remember seeing him on any of the posters.”
A retching noise made him turn. Kouta had scrambled out of the cab and was being violently sick into the sink. His face had turned parchment white and his limbs were shaking. He hadn’t had any drink - Evolto had been sensible enough to not hand a schoolkid any of the Sirius Wine he’d found. But he’d forgotten that didn’t mean the kid was qualified to be a designated driver in any way. Nor did it immunise him to the horrors of a dimensional hit-and-run.
“I-I-I can’t go to jail!” Kouta gasped, tears leaking from his eyes. “I’m just a k-kid, I can’t go there, I was gonna t-t-t-talk to that cute girl in History class and-“ And then he was sick again.
“Look, shut up, shut the fuck up.” Evolto was frantically patting his pockets. “I think I can- urp, heartburn. I think... we can fix this, we can take care of it-”
“HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FIX THIS?!” screamed Kouta, gesturing to the rapidly-spreading ooze on the floor.
“Stop fucking screaming and I’ll tell you, asshole!” Evolto had pulled out a test tube from the pocket of the jeans he had on with all the grace of a dazed orangutang. Kneeling down, he scooped up some of the mush into it and put the cork in, before shoving it into Kouta’s hands. But he didn’t stop there - turning back to the wreckage, he grabbed a nearby photo and pushed that at the wide-eyed and panicking boy, then produced a Sifter and a small card and added them to the collection.
“Okay,” he murmured, “keep your shit together and listen. I want you to take that vial of Gorillaz goo and that photo to the address on that card. When you get there, don't go in the front door, go down the alley on the right-"
"Wait, what?"
"-and knock three times on the door. Don't be alarmed by the giant eyeball, that's been there forever. Just follow the rest of the instructions on that card and you'll be fine. You'll be meeting up with some people I know from back in the day. They’ll be able to make us new Gorillaz in a matter of hours."
"Huh?!"
"Then you ping me when you’re done. I’ll warp you back and we'll take care of the rest together, okay?”
“I didn't understand a word of that!” Kouta was trembling as though he was in the arctic with nothing on. “And why me?! What are you gonna do?!”
“Look, I have to clean this mess up before anyone comes snooping around! Do you know how many Kobbers there are?” Evolto was frantically picking up bits and pieces of what was left of a takeaway dinner. “Like, a fucking billion! James Bond used to hang out with them! True story!”
"...right." Kouta blinked several times, owlishly. Evolto rose up and pulled out the other Sifter from his pocket.
"Okay, try to remember what I said. Just keep cool and you'll be fine. Don't mention my name unless you have to. And for fuck's sake, don't let anyone touch that belt or tell anyone you're gonna be future King of Time. If that gets out, the entire multiverse will be after you, and not all of them will want to keep you alive . Unless this six foot tall spider-woman with tits the size of basketballs gets to you first, in which case go nuts."
"Still in school."
"Nineteen's legal, kid, don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
Evolto pressed a button, and with a VROP Kouta was gone.
The Martian stood there for a minute or so, collecting his thoughts. He breathed in through his nose, then exhaled in a rush from his mouth. He put his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels. And then, as if he'd just lost interest or forgotten what he was doing, he began to look around himself.
"Hmmm... what's fun around here?"
-------
If the day on Earth had been uncomfortably warm by Kouta's standards, then he was regretting thinking so. The planet he'd ended up on was cold, the sort of biting October or November cold that speaks of Summer's end and Winter's steady rise. Clad as he was in only a t-shirt, shorts and sandals, the boy shivered as he found himself in the middle of a street lit up by all manner of sickly neon light.
He would have taken it for any side avenue in New York, were it not for the architecture. It was all angles and cubes, with nary a curve to be seen, all grimy steel and plastic where brick should have been. An ammonia smell filled the air and made his stomach churn. All manner of various alien species were walking past him. Some of them gave him odd glances as he stood there, but just like New York the vast majority were too occupied with themselves.
Directly in front of him was... well, he couldn't tell if it was a takeaway, a diner or a pub. It had the aesthetic of all three, rustic wood panelling clashing horribly with neon signage and plastic. Where letters ought to have been was a cluster of circles, filled in with dots and lines that seemed to correlate to a language he didn't know. He vaguely recalled the time Dawn had offered to put a Babelfish in his ear and how quickly he'd declined, finding the entire concept too creepy.
He wished he'd accepted now.
He approached the door, then remembered what Evolto had said and turned to his right. The alleyway stood yawning like the jaws of a bored giant with bad teeth, and Kouta ducked inside, taking care not to scratch himself on the uneccesary triangles of the two buildings he was between. Things weren't much warmer here, and he pulled his arms around himself as he walked, looking for the door that Evolto had mentioned.
He found it on his right. It was a huge metal thing, covered in the exact amount of rust to make it ominous. The future King of Time didn't like it the moment he laid eyes on it - not in the least because it had a strange bump in the middle of it that seemed out of place. But with everything that was being asked of him that day, he wasn't about to back out now. It was this or probably go to jail for liquefying a popular band.
Probably a first in crime, he thought sarcastically.
He readjusted his grip on his many devices, and then reached up and knocked on the door with his free hand. He managed it three times before the lump in the door opened up, revealing itself to be an eye that glared suspiciously at him.
"Hi chuba de naga?!" it barked.
Kouta froze, even more unneerved. What now? He looked at the card and turned it over. There was something written on it, but Evolto's handwriting was so spidery and jagged that e could barely make it out in the dim light. He squinted and stared at it.
"Um... cheska lopey... x'hoo pumba?" he tried.
The eye squinted. Kouta wondered if he should try again. That fourth word had been rough, the vocal equivalent of tripping over a baked ham in the dark. And what had Pumbaa to do with any of this? Had he said something offensive by accident? He cleared his throat, ready to try once more.
But then the eye made the decision for him.
"Be comta," it rasped, and shut. The door swung open, squealing, and Kouta wished it hadn't.
He stood outside for a moment, staring into the black apeture. He looked left and right. What if this was a setup? Vent had told him enough about Evolto's past and the dealings he'd made that the schoolboy was suspicious. Suppose he was being set up to take the fall for the crime? But no, how could anyone-?
"Boska, boska!"
Kouta jumped and, not wanting to offend, hurried inside.
-------
"Twenty-seven... twenty-eight... twenty-nine..."
Out of boredom, Evolto had first rifled in the kitchen. And his first find was the boxes and boxes of Superfast Jellyfish that Murdoc kept in a hidden mini-fridge. He had a feeling that the only reason they were hidden was because of Noodle and her feelings towards the product. And he also had a feeling that Murdoc only kept these because of their alleged psychedelic properties once they went past their use-by date.
So he was seeing how many of them he could eat in one sitting before he started to trip out.
"Thirty... thirty-one... thirty-two..."
It was sort of like popcorn. If popcorn tasted like salty bubblegum and oozed its innards onto your tongue. So nothing like popcorn. But it was fun to burst them between your teeth, suck the goo out and then gulp down what was left. He could see why people liked them, even if the way they were farmed did horrible things to the coral reefs. The additives didn't help, either. Sometimes, you really didn't want to see how the sausage was made
It was around his fiftieth jellyfish that he realized he needed something to wash them down with. Not wanting to deal with booze anymore, he stood up, intending to fetch a glass of water.
The walls began to melt and the ground turned to blancmange under his feet.
"There we go," he said, and keeled over.
-------
Kouta hated spiral staircases. They always made him queasy. But now he was discovering something worse - spiral staircases with barely any lighting. He felt like he was willingly walking down a giant plughole, and at any moment a spider or rat would rise up and eat him. Or maybe one of those sewer alligators he'd read about on the internet. Then again, he doubted even that would surprise him any more.
It seemed to go on forever, and he was glad when he reached the bottom. Then he stopped being glad, because it now opened up into what he could only described as a hollowed-out dome, a huge as a cave and higher than the roofs of most temples. Pieces of old masonry - ornate, almost gothic in stark contrast to the city he was in - lay scattered around the place. Light filtered through a dirty stained-glass design on the very top of the dome, bathing everything in a muted rainbow.
What this was even doing here, he didn't know. Perhaps the remains of some old place of worship, sunk beneath the rising grasp of the city? At least it was midly warmer down here. He glanced at the instructions again, then looked around him, seeking some sign of life.
"Um, hello?" he tried. His voice echoed audibly. "I'm... looking for the... Blue Rose?"
No response. Was that dripping water he could hear? The hairs on the back of his neck stood up, and he considered doubling back once again.
"Your Huttese could use some work, friend."
There was something oddly soothing about the voice. Kouta turned.
The person approaching him looked refeshingly humanoid, like something from an earlier Star Trek episode. The skin was a deep ocean blue, marked by swirls of silver that glittered in the dim light. The large, dark eyes were the only disarming feature about him - well, that and the feathery antennae sprouting from his forehead. The gentle smile on his face was perhaps the most relaxing thing Kouta had experienced all day - or perhaps it was the soft odor of lavender in the air?
"Here's your Blue, dear," the stranger continued, his voice warm and silky. "The Rose will come later. Please forgive my doorman, he's not the most well-mannered of people."
Kouta frowned. "Doorman? What- oh, oooh. Door-man. Right."
The stranger walked a complete circle around him. Kouta hadn't noticed it before, but he seemed to be mostly nude except for some kind of pale, thin robe or toga hung loosely around his form. He was barefoot, and his two-toed feet made no sound on the stone floor. The dark eyes looked him up and down.
"A little young to be down here, aren't you?" he asked, at length. "Most of my clientelle are a lot older. But not as cute."
"I'm nineteen, actually." That was the second time Kouta had to mention his age today.
"Lucky you. Where I come from, males on my home world don't normally get past ten. I'm sixteen, myself - perks of leaving the planet. But," and here the alien leaned forward and fixed Kouta with an intent gaze, "that doesn't explain why you're here."
Kouta would have liked to have asked some questions himself. But he could hear a distinct slithering noise from somewhere, and felt that to prolong his stay would mean trouble.
"M... Mister Evolto sent me," he said. "He's had an-"
He was interrupted by a groan and a roll of the eyes.
"Oh, of course," said the stranger. "Doesn't he owe me enough? Stupid Martians, they just can't do anything without putting their feet into something or other. What does he want this time?"
By way of reply, Kouta held up the photo and the vial.
"He... was teaching me to drive a Void Jumper," he explained. "But he'd been drinking, and I couldn't follow his instructions properly. I didn't see where I was going, and-"
The slithering sound had gotten louder. It seemed to be coming from all around - the scrape of something dry and rubbery on stone. Kouta did his best to ignore it as he explained how he'd come to be here to begin with, but every instinct was screaming at him to turn and run.
When the shadow fell across him, he made the mistake of looking up.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" he screamed.
The giant, blue, worm-like thing loomed over him like a cat eyeing up a mouse, all sixty feet of it lolling in the recessed gutter that surrounded the room. Sixteen button eyes, ringed around the slavering mouth, peered blindly down at him. The pharynx distended, revealing jaws like murderous gothic scissors and filling the room with stinking meat-breath. Green slime dripped from the cavernous maw and sizzled on the stone. Pulses of pale pink and sickly green rippled down the length of the heaving, segmented body.
"That," said Blue, sounding indignant, "is my wife, thank you very much."
-------
"OH, COME ON, YOU BUTTON-READING BASTARD!"
Evolto had found the Playstation. And the Doritos. And the copy of Tekken that Murdoc hadn't taken out of it. Not that it mattered very much - he was still high on jellyfish, and the images he was seeing on the screen didn't translate to what was going on in reality.
"Stupid piece of... Who thought letting Godzilla into this game was a good idea?!"
With another mouthful of cheesy snacks, Evolto made his twentieth attempt to beat a game he hadn't even gotten past the start menu of.
-------
"You wife?!" Kouta squealed.
"Of course!" Blue crossed his arms. "She's the female! And I'm just one of her many husbands! I'm using the human term, of course, but-"
The giant worm let out a noise like screeching car tyres. The volume was so great, Kouta nearly dropped the vial, clapping his hands over his ears and wincing. But Blue seemed more annoyed than anything, turning to face the gigantic creature and shaking his head.
"No," he retored, "you can't keep him, Rose! You ate the last fifteen!"
Another screeching wail filled the room, and the worm writhed. It was like watching a subway train have an epileptic fit.
"Yes, I know, but that's not an excuse! People ask awkward questions already without me having to clean up after you! Goodness sake, show a little restraint!"
The worm seemed to turn sulky at this point, lowering it's head and making a noise like a broken lawnmower engine. Blue rolled his eyes and turned to Kouta.
"Lovely woman," he explained, as though discussing the new television set. "But dreadfully voracious. You understand what I said earlier? Most of us males reach ten years of age, then get eaten immediately after our first Giving. I'm blessed that I've lived as long as I have. I must be doing something right."
Kouta's throat felt incredibly dry.
"I'm sorry," he said at last, "could you start from the top? And please tell your wife to not look at me like I'm a tootsie roll."
Another shrill screech made him jump.
"A human snack, dear," said Blue without looking at Rose. "I'll explain later. Now..." The moth-like humanoid held out his hand. "Let me see that vial."
Kouta handed it to him, trying hard to not look at the multicoloured slurry inside. Blue held it up and swirled it, inspecting it with a keen eye.
"Hmmm... five people," he muttered. "Are you sure?"
"Yes," said Kouta, a litte too quickly. "I-I mean," he stammered, "if it's okay with you. I, um, wasn't really sure if being liquified would pose a problem."
"Yes, I can smell the void stuff." Blue wrinkled his nose. "Ugh, like rotten eggs and dead fish. You're lucky you brought it to me straight away. A few hours later and this would have decayed into useless vapor. I just wasn't sure - it smelled like more than five for a moment. Must be my age getting to me."
"...so what are you going to do with it?" asked Kouta, after a moment's pause.
"Normally, us males obtain genetic information from our partners through skin contact. It's how we keep our gene pools from going stagnant. We then pass that on to the females in the Giving ritual and they use that to gestate the eggs."
"Then how-"
"But with this?" Blue turned to Rose and waved the vial. "Here, Rose! Fresh batch for you!"
The giant worm rose to attention like a meerkat, staring at her 'husband'. Her mouth opened again, and something vaguely tubelike slithered out, dripping thickly from the tip. With the practised ease of a baseball pitcher, Blue threw the vial, and with the skill of the catcher Rose snatched it up. A sound like a congested vacuum filled the air for a moment, and then Rose spat, and the empty vial clattered to the floor at Kouta's feet.
Rose gave a saisfied grumble and settled down into the gutter.
"All done!" trilled Blue, turning back to Kouta and beaming. "In about an hour or two, she'll take those genes and seperate them out into their own batches. You'll have five lovely eggs, and those eggs will hatch into perfect copies of those humans you showed me!"
Unbidden, the memory of ice cream at a local café rose to Kouta's mind. He wished he was back there, instead of talking to this moth-person about clones made from giant worms.
"Um. Thanks."
"No problem. You want a drink? You look like you've been through a lot."
"That would be lovely."
-------
Evolto was in the middle of a solo dance in nothing but his boxers when his mobile phone rang.
"Oh, for the love of-" He ambled over to the couch where he'd left the rest of his clothes, grabbed the device and tapped the screen. "Hello?"
"Evolto?"
The Martian paused. That voice...
"Russ?"
~TO BE CONTINUED~
Dawn: And people wonder why I don't laugh at the jokes about my security being terrible.
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