So Maximillian recently posted a silly video where he sings about Chief Thunder's bear costume parts in the new Killer Instinct, to the tune of Bare Necessities from Disney's Jungle Book,and you can find it here. Anyway, after watching it, I suddenly started making up extra lyrics for it, and now suddenly this is here. So get playing the video linked below and prepare to sing along.
Look for the Bear Accessories, The simple Bear Accessories. Forget about that ninja and his knife.
I mean the Bear Accessories! The bear is dead, but he agrees That brings the Bear Accessories to life!
Wherever you're playing, Chief Thunder's your main. So use those two axes To bring the pain!
You can't do damage from afar, So get in close and let us spar. And when you're stomping on noobs like ants Then take a glance at the fancy pants And maybe buy a few!
The Bear Accessories of life will come to you! They'll come to you! Look for the Bear Accessories, The simple Bear Accessories. Forget about that werewolf's shitty life.
You need the Bear Accessories, So bust those combos out with ease To bring the Bear Accessories to life!
Now when you drop a Triplax Cause you stood over there, And your face Orchid's fist smacks, Well, next time, beware!
Don't pop your ultra when you jump in! When you pop your ultra, do it from the spin! But you don't need to use the spin For the Call of the Earth, you can just jump in!
Have I given you a clue? The Bear Accessories of life will come to you! They'll come to you!
So just try to relax, yeah?
Cool it, fall apart in Thunder's yard.
Because if you're like Glacius, playing keepaway...
Uh-uh. You're trying too hard.
And don't spend your time in the Dojo
Just messing around.
Trying for combos that can't be found.
When you find out you look swag with them on,
And play along climbing ranks with them on,
I'll tell you something true:
The Bear Accessories of life will come to you!
Look for the Bear Accessories, The simple Bear Accessories. Forget about that ninja and his knife.
I mean the Bear Accessories! The bear is dead, but he agrees That brings the Bear Accessories to life!
So, this is it. RP for 2013 is finally over, and we're off into the golden age of next year. And the best way to enter next year, as always, is arse first with eyes drunken gazing back on the events that have passed. Pairings have formed, controversies were had and jokes were laughed at, but as always there are hidden secrets - things that were considered to occur in RP but never panned out, for one reason or another. And depending on the number of characters involved, the amount of unused stuff varies.
And so, in post-RP tradition, and also in celebration of this being my 100th post on this blog, I would like to present the Steel Komodo Season 3 Cutting Room Floor, full of ideas and stuff that never got used for one reason or another. Hey, it's not Monster Mash, but at least it's something!
1) Section Zero refers to a place in Rutledge where the worst mutants are kept. In pain, insane and dangerous to themselves and others, they're hidden away in padded cells until a cure can be found for their condition. Robbie actually came from Section Zero - his psychic powers are actually quite deadly, despite being a shadow of what the Observer could do, and his cell was specially designed to dampen them in case he went as crazy as the others did. How did Daniel and Carol get him out? He's the only one allowed out for a few hours every day, so he can have a walk and stuff. Also, they give him Sparkle, which is a kind of depressant that some residents began making out of the wild mushrooms that grow outside Rutledge. Sometimes they give it to Section Zero inmates to stop them braining themselves against their cell walls.
There was also a sequence planned where, via UTG or sifter or whatever, some guys would have visteted Rutledge, probably because Robbie got kidnapped. You'd have learned a bit about how things worked there, and met the priest guy and stuff. Also, there was going to be a parody of this song when the mutants of Section Zero tell the Kobbers to take Robbie and GTFO.
2) The guy who runs Rutledge is a priestly guy who is partly based on Gill from Street Fighter 3. He's hoping that, somehow, he can find a way to make the mutants he has in his asylum to rebuild society, which is why I mentioned the activities Carol and Daniel did. His power is twofold - with one hand, he can awaken dormant memories or implant knowledge in a person's mind, and with the other he can either delete meories or edit current ones to make people forget. That second power is the most dangerous one, and he knew it, so he always gave people the choice, when it came to it. He didn't want to risk doing something he'd regret, with powers like that.
And yes, that power was themed on the Truth vs. Ideals thing Reshiram and Zekrom had going on.
3) I was gonna showcase Crusoe's "true" form at some point, but the best I could do was make a shitty recolour of Bills from Battle of Gods. So I said "fuck it" and never used it, because with Daniel's appearance being based on fanart of Bardock we already had enough DBZ.
4) Three Fears that never turned up due to the change in setting where the Plague Doctor, an eccentric old spirit of disease and plague who cared more about alien biology than winning the Grand Game, the Grotesque, a living embodiment of nightmares that would have most likely attacked someone in their sleep in the form of a nightmarish carnival, and the Deep, the Father of Fears who is actually either Poseidon or Jormungand. There was going to be an amusing scene with him where he invited visitors for tea and scones.
There was also going to be an appearance by the Quiet, the Fear of Nothing that is fated to wipe out all life on Earth after the War of the Fears occurs. There was going to be an end-game sequence after defeating Slender Man, where the Quiet turns up and thanks the Kobbers for preventing what was basically Armageddon. But I was so tired after doing the final battle I just said "fuck it" and didn't bother.
5) Swain and Mr. Scars were going to have bigger roles, but that didn't pan out due to time constraints.
6) Originally, the Killer Instinct character was going to be Sabrewulf, searching for a cure to his lycanthropy. I had been looking forward to writing scenes with him interacting with Lyall, and he would have eventually acquired the cybernetic arms from KI2 at some point.
7) While not mentioned in the Mega Post, Firebrand and Persolus spent some time recuperating on the ZFS before returning to Earth. They were also waiting for the heat to die down after Gorr'Rylaehotep and Barghest got so soundly trounced - the Fears would have been mighty suspicious after that.
8) I was originally also going to have a go at the Red Cap, but if you looked her up you'll know why I didn't do it. I also felt it would have been trying too hard to recapture the essence Dirk pre-taming - there isn't much that can capture that particular spark.
9) Concerning Dirk's book plot, it was actually going to be longer. Richard Longshore would have sued Dirk for attempted libel, and it would have lead to a courtroom scene that would have properly cemented the centaur author as a dick and a money-hungry egotist - a kind of mirror-universe Dirk mixed with General Cleft. This was also an opportunity for Dirk to call him out (i.e. quote more Nostalgia Critic) and end the plot on a more desicive finale instead of the off-hand newspaper review I had to do.
10) "Barghest" was an extremely last-minute name for Black Dog's entry into the Halloween Brawl. I could have used the names given in those documents, but I wanted to be a bit more creative. Also, those documents on Fears (at least, Black Dog's and Slender Man's) were actually written a long time ago out of boredom - I didn't anticipate CW and Harpy would actively go looking them up.
11) On the subject of those documents, there was a heavily encoded .zip file in there labelled "HABIT". I'm kinda glad you guys didn't open that one.
Basically, it refers to the character of HABIT from EverymanHYRBID. In ZFRP, Habit would have been one of Slender Man's servants, but not a Proxy - he was a guy with serial killer tendancies possessed by a Jigsaw/Hannibal Lecter-ish demon thing. Collectively known as Habit, they were a wild card in the Collective, and what hints I would give in the files lead to the conclusion that they are either dead for some reason or missing. One certain thing was that he was exiled from the Collective for... some reason or other.
12) There was a sequence planned where the Monster Hunters would have faced of against Dire Miralis. Who is basically the Monster Hunter equivalent of Satan. Alatreon was gonna play a bigger role as well, but then Stan got tied too much to the Society and the plot.
13) The plot point about Rock suffering a memory overload from absorbing weapon data from living beings was gonna be bigger, but there were so many plot things on my hands right now that I didn't want to do it. Also, I was totally going to pull a "Babe the Sheep Pig" and have Rock ask Sine if it was okay for him to call her mom. But I didn't do it because... I didn't want to.
14) Jewel Man was the only Robot Master I was sure of sending up on the outset. Guts Man and Plug Man were the result of a lucky Random.org roll. On the subject of Jewel Man, I was going to defy the stereotype and make him just flamboyant but straight, using his girlish mannerisms to mess with people's heads. But then I lost some brain cells to cider and now he's a horrible characature.
15) There was a bit after Chaosplot where Stan idly mentions tasting copper. If you paid attention in school, you'd know that's one of the first symptoms of an impending heart attack. I was gonna put Stan in peril, for once, so Gemma could be the one saving the day, but then I completely forgot all about the plot. No excuses of tiredness or alcohol here, I just completely forgot it was going to be a thing.
16) Also, to clarify, Robbie is a future version of the Observer, rendered powerless and amnesiac by the Cleansing - the event where the Quiet wipes out life to stop the Fears from fucking everything up. By being exposed to Robbie, the Observer became aware of what was going to happen and the change in timeline that was to occur. He had a plan to pull a Starscream and gain Gorr'Rylaehotep's powers for himself, to try and prevent the War of the Fears, but of course that didn't pan out.
And so there you go. Stuff that didn't make it into ZFRP, or was pushed aside for something else. Hope you enjoyed reading this, and if not then you can simply chase the memories away with a stiff drink. Kind of like what I'm doing right now :U
Those of you regular Chatzygoers may have had to endure me gushing about the new Killer Instinct, the reboot of the 90's fighting game series that most people don't really remember. Reboots as a thing are becoming increasingly popular nowadays - seems there's a big market for nostalgia, and one could indeed argue that Mighty No. 9 (which broke it's funding target in 24 hours holy shit) could be considered a reboot of Mega Man, since Capcom have no interest in the property anymore. With this in mind, I'm going to conduct a thesis on rebooting an intellectual property, one that hasn't seen much action since the halcyon days of the 1990's and probably deserves, out of all the ones I could think of, to get the modern upgrade treatment.
That property, predictably, is a fighting game. And that fighting game is...
...Primal Rage.
What?! Primal Rage is an arcade fighting game developed by Atari Games and released in 1994. In it, one controlled not human fighters, but giant dinosaur gods struggling for control of a post-apoaclyptic "Urth" after a meteorite strikes the planet and wipes out modern civilization. With the seven characters divided into the "Virtuous Beasts" and the "Destructive Dinos", each one features it's own selection of unique special moves, as well as three gruesome fatalities to perform on defeated opponents. Another notable feature was the troupe of worshippers that followed your dinosaurs about, and occasionally could be eaten to regain health.
Whilst many point to Mortal Kombat as the sole progenitor of the Violent Games Controversy of the 90's, they forget that Primal Rage alsohad a large hand in the cause of the outcry and it's results. The gore in the game was frankly ridiculous - characters lost gallons of blood with every hit, the life meter was a heart that exploded when you lost and the fatalities themselves were often borderline tasteless. It was Chaos' Golden Shower finisher, where he dissolved the enemy to bones with his acidic urine, that resulted in many of the console ports becoming heavily censored, as well as the formation of the ESRB. To this day, nobody has been able to perfectly emulate the original arcade experience, due to unusual copy protection that has yet to be cracked.
Why?
The thing about Primal Rage was that despite being a clone of Mortal Kombat, it really took off. Atari had high hopes for making a franchise out of the property and pushed it as hard as they could with hundreds of home console ports, a trading card game and even tie-in action figures, which to this day are highly-regared and extremely saught-after collector's items. And while it didn't exactly gain mainstream popularity, the fact that it managed to carve out such a niche on it's own merits is certainly impressive and a sign that an audience for a remake certainly exists.
However, it simply wasn't to last. In the end, Atari simply gave up on the property, as it was deemed unprofitable due to the controversy surrounding it. This resulted in the cancellation of an update that would have outfitted the game with Necrosan, a skeletal alien dragon and the intended final boss, and the sequel, which featured Killer Instinct-style visuals, a new character called Slashfang and human warriors that could transform into the animal gods from the previous game. While the sequel was adapted into a novel, it was clear that Primal Rage had been abandoned as a future franchise.
Also, Killer Instinct got rebooted. If that game can, so can this one.
How?
Rebooting something like Primal Rage is no small task, so we're going to have to get straight to the bone of the matter and talk about the game mechanics first of all. A lot of the game was created in a mad attempt to distance itself from it's inspirations, Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter, and as such the system is a bit of a mess that requires something of an overhaul. Let's begin, shall we?
Special Moves: This was the major thing that kept Primal Rage down. The commands for the Special Moves often required more than one button, and instead of traditional SF or MK controls, one had to hold down the attack buttons before performing the joystick motion. While this was remedied in later versions, and also indirectly lead to the creation of Negative Edge (look it up), the fact one needed to press multiple buttons made combos hard to remember and too complicated. In the reboot, Special Moves shoul be performed Street Fighter style, with the properites of the move changing depending on what button is pressed.
Combos: Combos, while quite fast, tended to suffer due to the wonky nature of the Special Moves affecting the timing of Links. At best, Sauron could only pull off a maximum of 8 hits per combo, and while that's a lot in those days you couldn't get away with it in today's high-octane fighting-game market, unless you're Netherrealm. The introduction of String Combos akin to MK9 or Tekken would solve this issue, as this would allow characters to perform bigger and better combos whilst still feeling similar to the original game. Links would remain in as well, of course.
Returning Mechanics: Several mechanics from the original Primal Rage would be kept in for prosperity, and also because of their use in the game. The short hop would remain, as it was vital for pulling of combos that required use of jumping attacks, and the Stun Bar, represented by a brain in the original game, would remain as well. The return of the edible worshippers would have to be considered deeply, as that could afford players too many advantages by recovering health.
Super Bar: Like Killer Instinct and MK9, Primal Rage would benefit from include some sort of super meter into the mechanics. Not only would this encourage a more agressive playstyle in order to build it, but it would add an extra layer to the game's complexity that the original game sorely lacked. What it would be used for, besides the obligatory super attack, I am not sure of. That would be for more talented people to decide.
Fatalities: It wouldn't be Primal Rage without the Fatalities. And just as MK9 got creative with it's Fatalities, so should Primal Rage. Sauron doesn't just eat you, he tears out your throat, then pins you down and rips out your beating heart. Armadon doesn't just electrocute you, he zaps your arms off and then takes off your head with his tail club as well. Diablo should burn opponents down to the bone, Blizzard should pummel foes to a pulp. Of course, classic Fatalities could make a comeback if there is enough interest.
But the mechanics are nothing if one has boring characters, and Primal Rage's cast of beasts were indeed the main draw of the game. Just like Killer Instinct, a reboot of Primal Rage should consider refining the characters into designated roles and removing the more over-the-top moves to prevent them playing alike. New characters would have to be created to buff up the roster, but here's a brief summary of the how first playable eight should be redesigned and updated.
Blizzard: Include bracelets and armlets with mystical runes, ice-covered hands and feet akin to Sub-Zero. Very balanced character, has a move for any situation and can implement it easily. Shouldn't excell at one thing.
Armadon: Cover him in dirt and moss, as if he's been sleeping under the ground for aeons. Make his design smoother and less cluttered, but still recognizably bulky. A grappler who excells at close range, can use electricity as a weak projectile.
Talon: If we have to give a badass animal like Talon feathers, then make them big and flashy. He should have the feel of a Native American chief about him. A fast, nippy rushdown character with lots of mixups. Possibly a wall jump?
Sauron: Base him on a stockier dinosaur than Allosaurus, make him somewhat bloated to reflect his role as God of Hunger. A zoning character that uses his sonic scream and weight to keep opponents away from him.
Diablo: Make him look demonic, all horns and spikes and horrid outgrowths. Glowy eyes are a must. Another zoning character, this time utilizing teleports and different projectiles to confuse enemies.
Chaos: Dress him in typical voodoo attire - bone necklaces, etc. Another grappler who also uses various status effects to curse others or bless himself. Whilst he should remain filthy and disgusting, this should be toned down massively from the original game.
Vertigo: A more alien design would suffice, based on HR Geiger's works - more sleek and unnerving. A mixup character who has various tools to keep enemies on their tones. Should bring to mind Quan Chi from MK9.
Slashfang: A bipedal smilodon who was going to appear in Primal Rage 2, but never did. A bulkier rushdown than Talon, Slashfang should excell at shoving opponents about and basically being a massive bully.
That's all I got for now. This post may be updated with more info in the future, so keep an eye on it. I may also create in-depth documents of how the characters should work and what moves and Fatalities they should have, if people are interested enough. Until then, feel free to discuss this in the comments!
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Fans and Haters, THE MONSTER MASH 199X IS BACK!
And this time, we've got something special planned for you all! Instead of waiting for every blood-soaked brawl to come to it's conclusion before setting up the next round of votes, our crack-team of market researches has suggested a SEMI-FINAL SPECIAL to get the crowds hyped! For a limited time only, viewers can now vote on all three of these epic fights coming to your screens very soon, decreasing the downtime between setting up battles! And if you vote right now, you'll get a discount on all GaiaCorp brand products and services, wherever online or at our lisenced merchandising booths! So what are you waiting for - grab your voting slips, size up our surviving competitors and give us your money!
Fight 1: Giant Octopus vs. Mega Python - The Tussle in the Tethys
Daidako hasn't been seen on duty since his battle with Centurion several months ago. His place in the fishing fleets appears to have been taken by a horde of smaller octopi - cheaper to produce but nowhere near the skill level shown by Sakana Co.'s finest creation. Then a business trip revealed something quite nasty; not satisfied with the our original blueprint, the Japanese government went ahead and performed their own gene-splicing, adding DNA samples from what they believe is a frozen sample of the legendary Kraken into the already-confused chemical soup of their mascot's genetics. They've promised the resulting combination, given time to grow and mature, will bring greater brainpower and tactical genius into the field. We merely retreated to our bunkers with bottles of water and baked beans.
Raja's been living even more like a king since his victory over Tiburon in his debut battle. Actually, he's been elveated to the title of God-Emperor ever since the previous one passed away of a sudden and completely coincidental heart attack, we swear. And while one would think a giant snake would not make a very good political figure, Mega Python has been astounding us with his sudden powers of psychic insight and skills at debating. He's already tackled issues on healthcare, crime and homelessness with startling finess, and political enemies are a non-issue - someone has to be sacrificed whenever he cuts a ribbon, after all. The holy order that tends to his every whims claims he has absolutely no worries about the upcoming competition, but considering we haven't actually seen him training, we're taking that with some salt.
Fight 3: Sharktopus vs. Gatoroid - The Encounter in the Everglades
Since his victory in Malibu, Clades has been promoted to the rank of Praefectus Castrorum,which basically translates to "cushy barracks and fancy food". As a precaution against the ever-increasing strength of enemy military forces and as a means to get an edge over the conbatants, the Greco-Roman Senate has ordered that Sharktopus be equipped and trained in the latest military weaponry. The orders to prepare for Round 2 came at a crucial stage in the training, and it's feared their champion may not have come to grips with his weaponry in time - all he's carrying right now is the standard infantry weaponry of a laser sabre, an explosive javellin, a dagger and a shield with a concealed machine gun. But there's a whole country's worth of swamp diamonds on the line, so of course they're staying in the competition despite the risks.
Gatoroid, meanwhile, has been undergoing a strict exercise regime on orders from the higher-ups at Mann Co. Every morning he gets up to have a wrestle with his owner Saxton Hale, adding yet another bruise or scar to his proud collection of wounds. Every afternoon is spent undergoing a tough regimen of push-ups, track running and pulling loaded freight barges with naught but his front teeth. And every night, he is treated to an entire warehouse's worth of raw, bloody meat mixed with performance-enhancing drugs and mild hallucinogens to increase his agression. Mr. Hale himself has made the bet that if his pet loses the semi-finals he will give everyone who voted for the shark a free hat. And we love free hats, right?
Fight 4: Mothman vs. Mansquito - The Brawl in Beijing
Samuel Escardo, formerly known as Mansquito, has been sighted in various territories since his destruction of Dinocroc. While reports are sketchy at best, it would seem that he has been heading in an easterly direction over the course of several months, heading towards the Communist China territories via wing, foot and train. Trajectory calculations made by our geographists and communications officers made a wild stab at his intended destination - the mountain ranges of Tibet, now host only to the various religious orders that have fled to escape persecution from the cruel hand of the new dictator to step into the throne. Someone suggested perhaps he's looking for enlightenment to his purpose by paying a vist to the monks and spending some time meditating, and then we punched him in the throat for being a twat. But we can't help but wonder...
Mothman? Don't fucking ask us. The less we see of that thing, the better. We've been getting scattered reports of it turning up at various conflicts - the War of Independance in Vietnam, the Red Sqaure Riots in Russia after the victory of Private Spinneret, the Boston Birthday Bash... but fuck that. It's all rumours and speculation and internet conspiracy theorists whining about aliens and shit. As far as we care, it's gone, vanished, crawled back into the slimy pit that was it's-
WARNING: The following is completely not canon at all, and is also very silly indeed. If you don't care for that sort of thing, skip this post and read some Monster Mash instead. If you do, go right ahead!
Also, this is a parody of a song owned by Disney, and is in no way an attempt to infringe copyright or make money off their hard work. However, I have no problem directing you to where you can listen to the song, if you wanna sing along to this. :P
SONG: It's Gonna Be Great
Winnie the Pooh (2011)
Written by Robert Lopez
Sung by Jim Cummings and Bud Luckey
CHARACTERS: Stanley Rockwell and the Society.
MADDIE: Gonna fix you up - by the time we're through,
You'll be a part of the Society too!
It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be great!
Gonna work with us, digging up the woods,
And we'll show those Kobbers we got the goods!
It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be great!
STAN: Well, I don't know...
MADDIE: Oh, stop that gloomy rumination!
All you need is a little bit of modification!
STAN: Wait!
MADDIE: Why wait?!
Don't you see, it's gonna be great!
It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be great!
BARROS: (Spoken) Well, everything checks out, Stan. But now you have to learn to work with us.
SOCIETY MEMBER: When you learn to fly, you should take it slow,
So I want you to keep your swooping low!
It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be great!
STAN: (Spoken) Heeeeeelp!
SOCIETY MEMBER: If you're running fast, hit and tree and you'll fall, (STAN: Ooof!)
So you gotta duck and dodge them all! (STAN: Ouch!)
It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be great! (STAN: Aaaaargh!)
ABRASION: A perfect punch will make you feel alive!
Just go from a crouch into a lunging dive!
STAN: Ow! Ow! Ow!
ABRASION: You're getting it now!
It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be great!
CRYSTAL: Oh, isn't this better for your health,
Two of us working together?
I used to work all by myself,
But two is so much better!
(Spoken) Are you ready?
STAN: (Spoken) For what?
CRYSTAL: I'll! Be! The! Kobber, you'll be the soldier!
Gonna see which one is bolder!
It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be great! (STAN: Woah!)
You're gonna give me your best attack,
But don't you think that I won't fight back!
It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be great! (STAN: Aaaah!)
Strike me down! Gimme all you got! (STAN: Ow.)
Bash me! Mash me! Trash me! Smash me!
Do it! Do it! Do it!
It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be- WAAAAGH!
STAN: (Spoken) Oh my gosh, Miss Haywood! I'm so sorry, that was really-
Welcome, Sports Fans, to the final battle in The Monster Mash 199X's Round 1!
And what a slobberknocker this fight is going to be, folks! To celebrate 50 years of GaiaCorp bringing questionable science to the globe, we're staging the battle of the ages on our home turf of sand, sea and sun - an ironic framing device for the carnage and political raspberry-blowing about to take place! Tell us, dear fans - did you ever lie in bed at night, wondering who would win in a battle between a shark with octopus tentacles and a piranha with a snake's body? If not, then please turn off the T.V. and thing very long and hard about what you've been doing with your life, you sad sap. To everyone else, you're more than welcome to witness the tussle between Clades of the Greco-Roman Alliance and Carrasco of the Amazonian Territories!
Come one, come all, because our Marketing divison has proudly dubbed this 50th Anniversary event...
We now go live to Hawaii, where the final battle of Round 1 is about to take place...
-------
Carl Fischer, CEO of toy and game manufacturer MagicHat Inc., was
not in a good mood.
He was the sort of spoilt, bratty person who liked to get his own way, and
right now things were not going his own way at all. First of all, his car had
been clamped - he was late for work and brushing toast crumbs from his lapels,
how was he supposed to know he was on a double yellow? Then a lawsuit had
come in from their main rival Cliffside Ltd. over apparent copyright
infringement on their children's card game, Battle Beasts, which is exactly the
sort of thing the company needed on the brink of releasing their
children's dice game, Dungeon Dice. Then upon returning home, a message on his
voicemail revealed his wife Deborah had found his private stash of money and
was using it to run away with that greasy-haired, jobless biker from down
the road. And finally, his steak had been served cold.
So no, he reflected as he did his best to finish his meal and ignore the
obnoxious steel drum band in the centre of the restaurant. He was not in a good
mood at all. There were loads of people in this straw-roofed, sun-kissed
beachside diner that were in far better moods than he was right now, and why
shouldn't they be? After all, they were either happy holidaymakers making a
pit-stop on their way to the next big attraction, couples looking for a
romantic dinner or bored surf jocks seeking a quick snack before they hit the
waves once more. They didn't have to put up with lawsuits or unfaithful wives,
and thus were on sugar highs compared to Carl’s current simmering rage and
depression.
In fact, the businessman was so busy reflecting on what a bad mood
he was in, he failed to notice something that was very soon about to put him in
an even worse mood. Which is a shame, because it would have also probably been
the most interesting thing he'd seen all day, if also the last thing he'd ever
see.
Carrasco has arrived to the battlefield a little early, deployed
surreptitiously in the jungles by his corporate masters, and is naturally
starving. So the first thing he does upon finding the restaurant is throw
himself at it like a starving badger lunging for a nest of baby rabbits,
smashing through the flimsy wood before any of the clientele can shriek for
help. His coils overturn furniture in an avalanche of tables and half-eaten
food, and with every clack of his massive mouth his razor teeth cut through yet
another helpless bystander, sending showers of blood and intestines everywhere.
Eyes rolling in his head, his nose full of the stench of food, the
Brazillian barbarian goes a little bit mental with glee, and for a few
glorious minutes his world is full of tasty snacks and screaming.
Sadly, this pleasant little reverie is short-lived.
No more than a few metres away, on the now deserted beaches, an iron-gray
bulk rises from the foaming breakers, accompanied by a swirling mass of orangey
cables as Clades hauls himself ashore. Rome's greatest war hero emits a gurgling
breath as he slops up the sand, the sun hot on his back and the ivory sand
soothing his war-weary tentacles as they drag their owner forwards. Piggy black
eyes lock onto the faraway scene of destruction, nostrils dilate to suck in the
scent of broken wood, blood and swamp water, and neurones fire up inside the
ancient brain in preparation for battle. With some effort, the chimeric carcharodon
begins to move at a faster pace, dripping water as he lugs his considerable
weight towards the panicked restaurant.
Unaware of the arrival of his foe, Piranhaconda has managed to corner a
scrawny teen with a dumb backwards cap who had been giving him the slip quite a
bit. The human had done his best to outwit the persistent predator, ducking and
diving away from every lunge Brazil's monstrous security guard has made, but in
his panic he has allowed the beast to lure him against a wooden partition where
he can't dodge either left or right and to jump would mean broken legs. With a
terrified scream, the teenager presses himself against the fence as Carrasco
rears up to striking height, ropes of saliva and blood dribbling from his mouth
in anticipation of his next snack.
And is punched in the jaw by a battering ram of pure muscle.
As the reptile goes twisting and crashing into the splintery wreckage of
tables and chairs, Clades pulls himself over the balcony and into the
restaurant, snarling throatily at his foe. The Greco-Roman gladiator's nose is overwhelmed with the stink of his enemy, of unfamiliar waters and death, and his teeth snap at the air in an attempt to intimidate his monstrous rival. Never before has he encountered an opponent like this, in all his long years of fighting for his country, but he's not prepared to let down his guard like some rookie just because he's fighting an unfamiliar enemy. He ignores the tiny human fainting dead away in the corner, and instead concentrates on anchoring himself to whatever supports he can find, tentacles winding around beams and railings as the enraged Piranhaconda shakes off the debris with a maniacal hissing.
The two beasts face off.
Art by The Deleter
And it's, unsurprisingly, the Brazillian beast that attacks first, dashing forward with mouth agape. Sharktopus is quicker on the draw, however, and swings his massive form aside so that the razor teeth clack down upon nothing before darting forward with a bite of his own. But then the wicked head of the Piranhaconda twists round in the return-stroke that has caught so many unaware pirates by surprise, and the startled shark is forced to leap over his enemy's sinuous body as the teeth miss his shoulder by a fraction. His coils grating on the wooden planking, Carrasco keeps pace with his enemy, roaring as he twists back into the striking position to face his foe before striking out again, this time aiming for the pointed nose out of sheer spite.
A second blow to his face, however, is enough to dissuade him - the cunning Clades has lashed out with a splintered plank from the remains of the furniture, smashing it over the piscene head and sending him sliding back, jaws agape in threat. But mere act of flinching has shown vulnerablility to the chimeric carcharodon, and with a gutteral bellow Sharktopus drops his impromptu bludgeon and whips two free tentacles out towards his enemy, coiling one of them around Piranhaconda's throat whilst the other drives it's spiked point into his side. The piscene predator screeches as his blood is spilled, his garling breaths cut off by the crushing vice around his windpipe, and Clades growls as he drags his foe closer, sensing victory is already at hand.
CHOMP
Sometimes, being horrendously short-sighted isn't the handicap you think it is. Through the blurry haze of his vision, Carrasco was able to make out what the horrid cold blobs were, and with a sharp twist was able to get his jaws fastened around the fleshy cable around his neck. Sharktopus bellows with pain and surprise as his tentacle is severed, inky blood pouring as he pulls away from his opponent and scrambles backwards over the rubble, trying to put some distance from his opponent. Sensing the window of advantage fading quickly, Piranhaconda darts forward with speed born of bloodlust and anger, and before the Greco-Roman gladiator can collect his wits his sinuos foe has thrown two loops of his scaled body around his midsection, out of reach of the grasping limbs.
The cruel chimera gasps in surprise as the coils tighten, crushing his skeleton and restricting the air flow to his primitive lung. But then, something odd happens - the Brazillian entrant suddenly emits an ear-piercing shriek and lets go, sliding away from his once-vulnerable opponent. As the dazed Sharktopus rights himself, the spines jutting awkwardly from his gill slits are glistening with fresh blood - what the bio-engineers considered an impediment to the beast's breathing now reveals itself to be a viable defensive tactic after all, preventing their owner from being crushed to death.
Thank you, Italy.
Thitaly.
Bleeding from the multiple perforations in his flesh, Piranhaconda tries to collect his wits, now unsure exactly of how to approach a foe that has eluded the constriction that claimed the lives of so many river pirates on the Amazon. But he isn't given the chance - another tentacle winds itself about the piscene head, and before he knows it Clades has slammed his face once, twice, three times into the bar counter, sending splinters of wood into the air and in his skin. Shrieking and spitting blood from his nostrils, the fish-headed freak rears back, and Sharktopus presses his advantage, ripping out one of the overhead neon signs from the roof and cracking it right across his jaw, sending Carrasco flying against the wall with a bang and an explosion of shrapnel.
Clades isn't finished yet, however. Roaring with bloodlust and triumph, the tentacled terror turns away from his stricken foe and reaches out towards the shattered remains of the bartop. Grasping it as hard as he can, suckers fastening onto the wooden surface like industrial strength glue, the war hero heaves sideways with every bit of muscle he has to bear, tentacles taut with exertion. With a noise akin to someone's best pair of trousers ripping asunder, the entire counter is uprooted from the rest of the floor, and with a second bellow the savage shark twists on the spot, ready to slam it's whole mass into the dazed Piranhaconda and put him out of the building for good.
A Piranhaconda who was already gone the moment he turned away.
It's Sharktopus' turn to go flying as he is struck in the midsection by several tonnes of muscle, the countertop flying from his tentacles as he sails backwards and smashes through the balcony railings. Only by a miracle does he act quick enough - the tentacles grab onto support pillars and fasten themselves to the floor of the balcony, stopping him from going completely over the side. Muscle strain with the effort of keeping his bulk in the air, the grey body precariously hanging above the ocean waters like a pendulumn in a grandfather clock. Wood creaks ominously in the stifling air.
Rolling his mad black eyes up, Clades spots the narrow head of Carrasco appearing over the side of the balcony, scales sliding on the floor as he looms over the stricken shark. Saliva drips copiously from the wide jaws, splattering onto the wood, and the heavy, growling breath of the beast echoes in the ruins of the restaurant like someone revving a chainsaw in a warehouse. Piggy eyes glare down at their vulnerable target, and Sharktopus knows that there's no way he can defend himself here. Not only does the Brazillain behemoth have a height advantage, but his copius length means reaching down to finish the job won't be a problem. A single razor bite to the jugular will be all it takes.
Sharktopus shuts his eyes and waits.
And waits.
And waits.
...and opens his eyes again, confused.
Piranhaconda is still there. Still breathing, still looming. He hasn't attacked, hasn't made any move to descend downwards and kill the conflict-weary carcharodon. Yet he's stilll there, looking down in his direction, panting and drooling everywhere as the stench of blood and meat drives his hunger. Clades, needless to say, is somewhat unnerved by this, and wonders what on earth the capitalist creation is up to. Is he gloating, in some perverse manner, before he finishes off the fight? Or does he simply intend to wait for him to dry out or drop, making his job easier? Skin beginning to crisp in the hot sun, the Grecian general flips through his mental book of war tactics to try and figure out the strategy being employed here.
Then he notices the way Carrasco's head shifts left and right, and the way the eyes dart back and forth.
He can't see him.
The Amazonian abomination's poor eyesight has him confused - he knows he saw the other monster go over the balcony, but can't see any trace of him, despite being able to smell him. It's a glaringly-wide opportunity, and Clades takes it - with a roar, he hauls himself upward like a fat kid on a rope swing and sinks his teeth into the back of Piranhaconda's neck before the serpent can react. An ear-splitting scream cuts the air as the bewildered snake-fish writes in his grasp, and the Conquerer of the Swiss Coast bites again, slicing a chunk of flesh from his opponent and gulping it down in one motion. Another bite like that, and he'll snap the thing's spine in two.
But now he can smell his attacker, Carrasco is quick to respond. Sharktopus has made a grievous injury indeed, but he's bitten too far down the neck, and this gives the pugnacious piscene the room he needs to lash out with the return-stroke, biting above his aggressor's right fin and tearing it almost completely off. Clades' eyes widen in shock and pain, not anticipating a counterattack of any kind, and in his surprise he lets go of his hold on the balcony, dragging the spitting serpent with him as he falls. The two hit the ocean with an almighty splash and a plume of foam, vanishing from sight underneath the waves snd leaving only the ruined restaurant in their wake.
But the battle is far from over - the field has merely changed.
-------
The peace of the coral reef is disturbed by the sounds of battle.
Piranhaconda has proven himself a fast learner, if nothing else. Having wound his coils lower down, where the quills can't hurt him, the Brazillian behemoth has set about crushing the life out of his opponent, confident of suffocating his foe while the tentacles can't reach him. However, the bite to the back of his neck is leaking blood into the water something fierce, his muscles cramping with the pain, and already Sharktopus is digging his teeth into his side, causing even more pain to the protector of the plantations. On top of that, his gills aren;t designed for the sea - the salt water is making them burn something fierce.
This is going to be a battle of attrition - if either competitor wants to win this, they'll have to endure the torment being inflicted on them for as long as they can. But one of the monsters has other ideas.
Clades may be in white-hot agony from the crushing force on his ribs and the lack of breath, but he's not about to give up easily. As the amphibious abominations twist and tumble through the water, he espies the bright, gaudy colours of the coral reef from the corner of his eye, and the jagged formations give him an idea of how to escape his predicament. Releasing his grip on the serpent's side, the Maurader of the Mediterranian lives up to his reputation for on-the-fly cunning as he lurches sideways towards the shore, slamming bodily into the corals. Pieces of polyps fly in all directions, clouding the monsters in an explosion of underwater dust.
Carrasco shrieks in pain as the sharp corals puncture his scales, but in his panic he merely tightens his hold, refusing to let go. Again and again, his nemesis drives into the reef, sending up clouds of debris and scattering fish and crabs everywhere, and each time the polyps slice the persitant predator's skin in different places. Piranhaconda clings bravely on, enduring the pain of this battering, but when a particularly sharp coral bites into the flesh beneath his eye it becomes too much for him to bear, and to the immense relief of Clades he relinquishes his hold and speeds to the surface, desperate for air and relief.
His monstrous head breaks the surface, and his jaws gape open as he gulps in vital oxygen to relieve the burning in both his snake lungs and fish gills. The sun beating down upon his face helsp to relieve the panic of his battering against the coral, but it also impedes his already-poor vision, and he doesn't notice Sharktopus crusing slowly into position underneath him. Now free from the constricting coils, the cruel chimera can breathe freely and think clearly about his strategy, and he can see that once again his opponent has rashly left himself exposed to an attack he'll never see coming.
Ancient instincts kick in as Clades the Sharktopus surges up from the deep.
The water explodes again as the shark launches from the water, carrying the squiriming, shrieking Piranhaconda in his jaws. As he reaches the peak of his jump, the Italian war hero shales his head from side to side, teeth cutting out another chunk of flesh from his opponent, before both animals crash down into the ocean. The water turns pink with blood, and admist the spray Clades rips away, trailing crimson clouds as he bolts down his mouthful of meat, leaving Carraco writhing in the water. He turns, but does not attack again - he's employing the classic hit-and-run tactics of his ancestors, waiting to see how badly his attack has crippled his foe.
As it turns out, pretty badly. Piranhaconda is not only bleeding out, bitten through almost to the spinal cord, but terrified and exhausted beyond all measure. This foreign waters stings in his wounds, he can't see his enemy no matter where he twists and turns and his nose is so full of blood he can't pinpoint the foe via smell either. His strength is leaving him rapidly, his pained writhings to stay afloat becoming weaker and weaker by the second, and already smaller sharks are gathering to see what's going on. The bane of the banana pirates is wishing madly for his shoal to be around, or for a nice raw cow to munch on instead of all this pain, but he's on his own and dinner isn't being served in a harness lowered into the water. He's out of his element and scared to death.
Out of the corner of his eye, through the mist, he sees a shadow, moving about close to the sea floor in a vague, meandering pattern. He can't tell if it's Sharktopus through all the blood and churning water, but at this point he's desperate to take any opportunity to fnish this fight quickly, and a horrid determination siezes the monstrous mash-up's mind to go all-out against his opponent. Not even roaring this time, Carrasco dives down towards the misty shape, snapping his jaws furiously in one last attempt ot uphold the honour of his masters and the glory of the Amazon Territories. It's a long-shot, betting entirely on sheer luck that he does any damage whatsoever to an enemy that might not even there.
And it misses.
Having taken the window of opportunity to scanvenge on the sea floor, Sharktopus puts the unfortunate creature out of his misery by braining him with an iron pipe. The crack of breaking bone echoes around the sea floor, and blood and brain matter billow into the water as the battered Brazillian crashes into a heap on the sea floor, dead. The yellow eyes roll in their sockets, staring up at the sun filtering down through the water, but seeing nothing. A thousand dollars of genetic splicing, selective breeding and careful training, gone to waste.
Clades growls with satisfaction, dropping the pipe to the floor. Then, noticing the approach of smaller sharks drawn by the scent of blood, he grabs his fallen foe in his tentacles and drags the corpse upwards towards the shore. He intends to feast well tonight, in honour of yet another victory for the Allied Military Forces.
SHARKTOPUS WINS!
Wow! What a fight that was, huh? Only fitting for the conclusion of Round 1! Don;t forget to collect your bets and Greco-Roman War Bonds - even the smallest dollar counts towards the war effort!
Oh, but don't go away just yet! The Monster Mash 199X is far from over - we still have Round 2 coming up in a month or so! Also, your favourite freak may have lost horribly, but he may still have a chance to crawl back from the brink! Our sister company, Greentech, is hosting the Monster Mash's very own Loser's League on Channel G, giving you the chance to help a loser become a winner! Just like in the regular fights, all you have to do is head for your nearest voting booth and place your bets, and hopefully buy our overpriced merchandise as well! And if you ever miss out on our live broadcast, you can catch up by going to our website and checking out the Loser's League Fite Blog!(WARNING: Must be 18 or over to view the website.)
(So yeah, taking a bit of a break from writing Monster Mash. Also, Gooper Blooper has very kindly offered to host the Loser's League fights on his blog, which will help take the workload off. Thanks, man :3)
