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"Good afternoon, People of Britain! This is your Prime Minister Harold Kelman speaking on behalf of the Ministry of Joy. We have a most important announcement to make, one that I'm sure that you will all be very pleased to hear about! Firstly, some statistics - Last year, only a hundred people were detained by the Happiness Patrol for Rehabilitation due to crimes against the state. This is a really positive development, and thanks to a recent discovery we're hoping to cut that figure in half this year. Which is why the good folk at the Ministry asked me to tell you all about it!
"You may remember last year, when we announced that we would be looking into a revolutionary new method of Correction - one that would curb dissident thoughts and promote social obedience in the long-term. Well, I have good news, People of Britain - courtesy of an anonymous donor, we have succeeded in creating a special facility for just such a purpose, in order to keep the population happy and content! More fascinating than the cinema, more exhilarating than a rollercoaster and much better for your head in the long run! We like to call it...
"Currently installed at the former site of Woking, the Sanctuary is dedicated to mass Correction, on a scale not even the Ministry's Clinics could provide. We aim for this facility to be the ultimate in mental and physical treatment, between Correction and the last resort of Rehabilitation. Within it's walls, you will find not only the standard treatment facilities you can find locally, but also surgeries and therapy centers designed to easy your mind and quell troublesome thoughts for good. We've even had the Department of Foreign Relations backing us on this one, so we must be doing something right!
"But it gets even better, people! For you see, the Ministry has just perfected a new kind of mental conditioning without the need for expensive drugs or messy surgery! Currently under the working name of "Marmalisation", this is a radical new treatment that will enable us to put an end to clinical depression and ensure a safe and happy population. I admit, the name sounds scary, but the process itself is harmless - we've tested this on over a hundred willing volunteers, and all of them have reported one hundred percent satisfaction! Talk about results!
"And what is the secret to this amazing new treatment? Well, that's- hold on...
"...I'm sorry, but my good friends at the Ministry have just told me I'm to keep that a secret. But I can assure you that this is a major first step in ensuring a brighter, smile-filled future for Britain! The Sanctuary is just the first of it's kind - once we are sure it works, we will be installing them in every major city across the country, from Truro in Cornwall all the way to Scotland, in Shrewsbury, Birmingham, Edinburgh, the Yorkshire counties and more! And if we're really lucky, we might get an offer from the EU or US to install similar facilities overseas!
"Now, just to keep in mind - the Sanctuary is not a replacement for your local Clinics, which are at the moment currently the cheaper and more accessible alternative. Even once we've got them up and running, you're still advised to take your once-a-month checkup as per government mandate. And should you ever be feeling depressed, suicidal or inclined with dissident thoughts, you can always pop down and have a confidential chat with your designated GP and undergo a bit of Treatment!
"Well, that's all I have to say! Carry on, people of Britain! Play me off, Mr. Giggles!"
"Sure thing, Harold, old buddy! Come on, kids, you know the words!
"When you're down, feeling blue,
And your life seems cold and vile,
When you're sad, here's a clue:
Lift your head and smile!
"We're here to help out,
Make it all worthwhile,
Please don't fret, cry or shout,
And don't forget to give a smile!"
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This Public Information Broadcast was brought to you by the Ministry of Joy.
Smile. Always.
I think you need a meeting with a madman in a box.
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