Meal Ticket

~SCOOPA KOOPA'S, LAS VEGAS~

Nine in the morning, and Scoopa Koopa's was just opening up. Through windows marred by grease, an observer would notice the lights being turned on in the kitchen area, bathing the rest of the restaurant in sickly yellow light. The chintzy plastic tables had been wiped and polished, the checkerboard floor mopped thoroughly and the counter-tops disinfected with healthy doses of sprays of various brands. Now, the staff were hard at work behind the kitchen, rattling utensils and banging cupboards as they prepared for the day ahead of them, be it slow or busy. The ovens and grills hummed eagerly, the fryer sizzled with anticipation and a fine, toothsome smell of greasy food came wafting from the air vents.

As did the shouting.

"Hurry up with those fries, dino-brain! The customers can't wait forever!"

The staff didn't actually talk much. Being pseudo-dinosaurs of various fantastical species, speech was not really their forte, limited only to demands for orders and cash. They weren't the type to hold conversation around the grill, or complain about their mortgage payments, or anything that the average human working in a diner like this would do - they were more used to working in silence, if anything. So there was only one gruff, growling voice barking insults and orders at them, and that could only come from one source.

"Move it, ya mooks!" bellowed Koopa as he stomped through the kitchen, shooting impatient glares at everyone and everything. He was in a bad mood today, and the reptilian workers around him could sense it - it radiated off him like the stench off a rotten egg, filling the entire room in an atmosphere of ominous anticipation. Knowing their boss' temper all too well, the dinos kept their heads down, hoping that by just doing as told, they'd escape notice and avoid the verbal abuse that came from the massive green turtle monster looming over them. Normally, this worked as Koopa was usually too wrapped up in his own ugly thoughts to pay much attention to what his workers did.

Sadly, on this occasion, it didn't help them.

"I'll need more eggs than that!" growled the former King of Darklands as he rounded a counter. "Get your tails in gear and-" His ranting stopped abruptly as he caught sight of something out of place on the counter-top - a near-empty plastic bottle, the bottom lined with remnants of red gunge. After staring at it for a moment or two, Koopa quickly swiped it up in one massive paw and turned to his work-force, brandishing the bottle furiously as he vented his anger once more.

"BUGS-FOR-BRAINS!" he roared, making each and every dinosaur jump in fright. "Which of you forgot to refill the tomato sauce?!"

For an awful while, nobody said a word. Replying to a bad-tempered Koopa was like driving a glacier through the eye of a needle, and nobody really felt like taking responsibility for this particular mistake. So when somebody finally found their voice, they resorted to the usual trick - lying their ugly reptilian face off.

"It was Marty!" that someone piped up, pointing a trembling claw at the Rex next to him. "He was on condiment duty yesterday!"

"I was not!" protested his companion with an indignant growl. "I was on mopping duty! You were on condiment duty, Zack!"

Koopa rolled his eyes as the two continued to bicker. Whilst lying was, in his opinion, an excellent trait, it was a skill that took refinement and practice over the years. And as far as he was concerned, these dinosaurs were absolute greenhorns at it. It couldn't have been more obvious if you'd painted them purple and stood them on top of the Eiffel Tower. Coupled with his current surly mood, the former tyrant was getting more and more exasperated with his own staff by the minute.

"Y'know what?" he cut in, shutting the both of them up. "I've suddenly realized I don't care. Just refill this stinking thing, or I'll make Special Scoopa Sauce outta the both of ya!" With practiced ease, he pitched the empty ketchup dispenser across the kitchen, and the two dinos nearly fell over themselves trying to catch it, shoving each other back and forth in their efforts to outdo each other. When one of them succeeded in catching the bottle in his claws, he quickly scurried out of the room via the back door, hastily followed by his equally-terrified companion.

Koopa gave an ugly chuckle to watch the two flee, but with a single sigh he was back to his former dour mood. The empty ketchup, he knew, was just another symptom of the restaurant's struggle to stay afloat in the crowded mass of lights and excess that was Las Vegas. There was little space for a small, greasy, overpriced diner like his in a world where half the hotels came with their own bar and restaurant pre-installed, and it seemed that fewer and fewer suckers- er, customers were coming here nowadays. Who wanted to bite into a delicious Egg Scoopa Koopa when they could just order a three-course meal via room service?

I gotta do something, the ill-mannered monarch thought as he surveyed the kitchen. Or this place - and my reputation - is gonna go down the drain!

Drat, he mentally added with a shudder, I just made myself think about those pesky pulmbers again. Ugh...

"Mister Koopa, sir?"

Irritated at having his mental spiel interrupted, Koopa whirled his masive green bulk around. "Whaddya want?" he snapped.

The Rex who'd addressed him flinched, but then recovered himself in short order. "Um... just got today's paper, sir. It's about the Zoofights Corporation - they're moving here within the month."

"...And why the Koop," asked Koopa with a raised eyebrow, "should I care? I've got food to sell, money to make! I ain't got time to muck around with some company that doesn't even know what it's doing anymore!" Something inside him cringed, for reasons he couldn't explain, but he brushed them off as Un-Koopa-like.

"See for yourself, sir!" The Rex quickly held up the paper, already a little crumpled from being carried around so roughly. Quickly snatching it away, Koopa yanked the flimsy pages open, nearly ripping them in the process, and took a good look at the major article within it. And just as he was about to lose interest, because it was going on and on about business ventures and other boring things he didn't care about, a paragraph caught his yellow eye.

"Of course, it is no mere speculation that the famous Kobbers, who's name and presence are just as important a fixture as the King of Beasts name, will be making an appearance this year. This motely legion of assorted extraterrestrials, superhumans, millionaires and more have always been present at ZFC's many industrious outings, and have beaten back many an unusual, over-the-top and convoluted threat time and time again. How will our band of evil-defeating, justice-upholding, ridiculous-loads-of-cash-spending adventuers adapt to the glamor of Vegas? And what additions and departures can we expect from-"

"Um... sir?"

"Huh? What?" Koopa quickly shook the dollar signs from his eyes. "What did you say?"

"Are you alright, sir?" The Rex was now looking rather puzzled. "You seemed to space out for a minute there. And you were drooling," he added resentfuly, pointing to a large puddle that had mysteriously formed on the ground.

"Never mind that!" snapped the former king, putting on his old grouchy persona. "Just clean that mess up!" But as the befuddled staff member waddled away to fetch the bucket and mop,he failed to notice his boss turning towards his own office, cackling and rubbing his hands. It wasn't just dollar signs in his eyes - it was plans and plots as well, hatching like eggs and turning like gears in his head. For a brief moment, Koopa was feeling like his old kingly self again.

"Looks like Scoopa Koopa's" he cackled to himself, "is gonna be Koopin' on up!"

INTRODUCING

Harvey Atkin as the voice of "KING" KOOPA

Shinobiman: Commercial Break

"Stay tuned! Shinobiman will be back after these messages!"

Our story begins with our plucky protagonist, Kaneda "K.K." Kagome, sitting down to dinner at his usual hangout of Burger Bear's! It's his favourite lunch once again - the classic Triple Decker Cheeseburger, complete with fries and an ice-cold shake to quench his thirst. And it is clear that as he bites into his beloved burger, there is no better pleasure in life for our hungry hero than the simple act of eating.

"Mmmh," he appreciately moans, mouth full of food. "These burgers are as Ninja-mazing as ever!"

Just then, a puff of smoke to the side startles our hero, nearly making him drop his meal! It's Sensei, still in his martial arts attire despite the casual setting of the restaurant, and nobody seems to bat an eyelid at his amazing appearance. Maybe ninjas are just a routine thing in Sleepy Bay now.

"Ah, but Grasshopper," intones Sensei, bowing low, "the Shadow Clan knows of a much greater pleasure than your simple snack!"

K.K. can't help but roll his eyes at his mentor's words. "What would that be? A bowl of rice?"

"Of course not!" Sensei seems to simply laugh off the casual racism here, before reaching into his robe and yanking out a wonderous device - like a clamshell, but bedecked in the familiar black-and-red of the legendary Shinobiman's attire! With a strange plastic sheen and a simple, unassuming design, it could easily pass for a legendary weapon of the ninja itself!

"I mean this!" declares the martial arts master. "The Shinobiman Secret Technique Burger Maker! The ancient ninja art of creating delicious burgers with a hidden surprise inside!" As he speaks, images of burgers fly across the screen - burgers cut open to reveal various ingredients inside the burgers, rather than on top as in a normal burger! Oh, and don't forget those action lines and epic, swooshing sound effects right from the show itself!

"Watch," continues Sensei, now suddenly balancing a chef's hat on his head, "as use the ancient arts to turn a boring old burger into a sensational Secret Technique burger!" And in a quick-cut, yet easy to see process, we watch as he completes the outlined steps required to form this fabulous food! He firstly folds the machine one way to form hollow pockets of burger meat, fills them up with various ingredients, and then folds it another way to seal the burger closed, all in a matter of moments! And then, with a flip of the hand and a blast of Shinobi Fire, the wonderous warrior has in front of him a seemingly unassuming burger - but one, we all know, with a difference!

"Try this, Grasshopper!" Sensei offers the finished product to his skeptical student, who immediately grabs it and takes a bite from it. The results are more than conclusive - the burger-loving boy's eyes sparkle in over-the-top anime fashion, and hearts materialise around his head as the food's flavours hit him right where it counts - the tongue!

"Secret bacon and cheddar technique!" cries out K.K. in ecstasy. "That's Shinobi-tastic!"

Just then, a hideous shape bursts through the wall of the restaurant, spraying dust all over the place! Finally, people think to take notice of the unusual occurances, and flee in fear as the bulky form strides into the establishment! To nobody's surprise, it's that dastardly demon Lord Kroak, and his fearsome face shows that he's got evil on his mind, as usual!

"Fun's over, shrimps!" he bellows as he marches to the counter, grabbing the terrified waiter-boy by the lapels in one pudgy paw. "My belly needs burgers, and I need 'em now!"

Of course, if you think our hero is going to remain idle whilst this devious deed occurs, you'd be all wrong and a bag of potato chips! As the terrible toad continues to terrify the serving staff, K.K. has already come up with the perfect plan to sout out the situation! In a blur, he brings his ninja skills to the foray, gathering up a similar selection of ingredients as Sensei had done before him - only this time, he's carrying armfuls of spicy peppers and other piquant products!

"I'll give you burgers, you croaking creep," he mutters. "Secret Ninja Burger Technique!" And with that command, our brave boy replicates the motions his mentor made a few moments ago - fold one way, add flavourings, fold the other way, and then flip and fry. But to add to the illusion, the cunning Kaneda adds the standard burger toppings onto his crafty creation, making look just like any ordinary burger served at this jaunty joint!

K.K. quickly offers the burger to his nefarious nemesis. "Here you go, you big bully." 

"Thanks, chump!" Without so much as a bye-your-leave, Kroak snatches up the tasty trap and tosses it whole into his massive maw. However, all it takes is a few chews for the spicy secret to kick in, and the fiendish frog's eyes bulge as his face turns red from the heat! Steam shrieks from where his ears would logically be, if he had them, and it isn't long before...

"YEEEOOOOUCH!" Flame erupts from Kroak's mouth, the force enough to send the tyrant rocketing upwards into the air! Such is his speed, in fact, that he punches a toad-shaped hole in the ceiling of Burger Bear's, spraying bits of tiling as he rockets ever-upwards! K.K. and Sensei watch with amusement as their adversary sails into the sky and straight out of sight, to trouble them no more for the rest of the day.

"Seems like Kroak," quips K.K. with a grin, "bit off more than he could chew!" And he laughs along with Sensei at the cleverness of this particular pun.

The Shinobiman Secret Technique Burger Maker! Available now, with recipie guide!

"We now return to Shinobiman!"

Secret Ninja Warrior Shinobiman (Part 2)

When we last left our savior in the shadows, Shinobiman, he was hightailing it to the hidden Shinobi Shrine of Honor Ridge - literally, using his Shinobi Racoon power to fly to the shrine! But the Shinobi Scroll hidden there is being guarded by Lord Kroak's loathsome lackeys, Razor and Vampyra, as well as a squadron of demon soldiers! Meanwhile, Sensei and Doctor Wasabi have a plan to delay the awful amphibian and prevent him from twigging that his stolen scroll is under scruitiny...

"I just hope," mutters Doctor Wasabi, "that this crazy plan of yours works." He never was very good at driving a motorcycle to begin with, preferring the comfort of cars, but the knowledge of the scheme his companion is about to carry out makes steering all the more difficult.

"My crazy plans always work!" responds a cheerful Sensei from the sidecar. "All we have to do is find Kroakzilla and lead him away from the populated areas of the city!"

"Well, how hard can that be?" asks Wasabi. "He's over thirty stories tall, after all!"

The good doctor soon regrets his earlier question, as an awful growling noise - like a tractor and a lion having a spirited scuffle - cuts through the air. The frightened physician nearly stalls the cycle in his terror, but Sensei merely puts one hand to his ear, trying to divine the direction the sound is coming from. And, with his attuned skills, it doesn't take long for him to pinpoint the location of their target.

"That was him, alright," he confirms. "And he's in the restaurant district. Turn off here."

Wasabi does so, although with great reluctance.

And, true to his word, Kroakzilla is not that hard to hide. In fact, he is making no effort to be sneaky at all - instead, he has parked his bulbous bulk in the middle of a parking lot, helping himself to the contents of the various eating establishments he has plundered. As the dynamic duo pull up by one of his feet, the titanic toad finishes gulping down the innards of a pizza parlour's kitchen, before taking a long sip from a water tower he tore up earlier.

"Boy," he mutters with his mouth full. "Destroying a city really works up an appetite. I should have brought some of mom's home-made mud pies!"

"Well," whispers Wasabi to his much braver buddy, "We found Kroakzilla. What now?"

By way of answer, Sensei suddenly produces a megaphone from seemingly nowhere and holds it up to his mouth. Wasabi quickly gestures for him to put it away, but the martial-arts master ignores him and flicks it on. The whining noise of the device turning on was loud enough, but when Sensei shouts up at the monstrous marauder above them, the good doctor soon starts wishing he could remember the secret ninja ability to become invisible!

"Hey, Kroakzilla!" hollers Sensei from the sidecar. "Down here, you green-skinned good-for-nothing!" This gets the terrible tyrant's attention, his head swiveling down to notice the motorcycle and it's occupants a few meters from his feet.

"Well, well, well!" he growls, grinning. "If it isn't that sake-drinking sap and his scientist buddy!"

Sensei rises up from his seat in the sidecar, turning up the megaphone's volume for extra effect. "Leave this city right now," he orders, "or I shall be forced to take extreme measures!"

The effect is electric - Kroakzilla leaps to his feet as though stung, rage on his foul face! The tremors of his landing shake the street beneath the bike, nearly making poor Wasabi fall off his perch, but the good doctor's problems are still coming - and Sensei's are only just beginning!

"I don't take insults from pests like you!" bellows the beast, and he immediately raises one foot to squash the heroes! Thinking quickly, Wasabi immediately hits the gas, and he bike goes speeding away down the road, away from the vile villain's stomp! Growling in anger, Kroakzilla immediately gives chase, titanic treads shaking the earth with every step, and the scared scientist has to weave back and forth to avoid getting trodden underfoot by the rampaging toad demon!

"Now what?!" howls Wasabi, clearly wishing he was back home.

"To the abandoned skyscraper district!" shouts Sensei. "And step on it!"

-------

Secret Ninja Warrior Shinobiman (Part 1)

(NOTE: The following is technically a cutting room floor, for a character that I created to appear in the Las Vegas setting of Zoofights RP. The character and his plotline was abandoned after I realized it was too similar to Harpy's character of Kevin/Dream Girl Kogasa. A similar character, an escape artist superhero named Johnny Gyro, was also created, but abandoned in a similar fashion for not being interesting enough.

The point is, the characters depicted in this post will not appear in Zoofights RP in any fashion this year. They may make an appearance in 2016 RP, but this is extremely dependent on my life-based circumstances not turning out rubbish. And now having probably depressed you, enjoy the post to cheer you up!)

Kaneda "K.K." Kagome has a special secret. He may be an ordinary schoolboy in the city of Sleepy Bay, but he is also the inheritor of the powers of the secret Shadow Clan of ninjas! An ancient ninja prophecy foretells that, when the evil Lord Kroak and his demon armies break out of the underworld, a hero will rise to gather the sacred Shinobi Scrolls and transform into the warrior of legend! And while K.K. may be headstrong, clumsy and constantly hungry for triple-decker cheeseburgers, he is the hero of legend - our only hope against the forces of darkness! He is...

THE SECRET NINJA WARRIOR: SHINOBIMAN!

Today's Episode: "Shinobiman Meets Kroakzilla!"

Sensei has received a letter from an old friend of his - an accomplished scientist named Doctor Wasabi from Honor Ridge city. Wasabi believes he has found another of the ancient Shinobi Scrolls, and requests that Sensei and Shinobiman retrieve it before Lord Kroak's forces can get it for themselves. K.K. soon finds himself being dragged to Honor Ridge city by his mentor, but neither are prepared for the kind of terrible tricks their enemy has in store for them...

Saint Patrick's Dirk (Belated)

"Dirk?"

Dirk made a noise like a hippo imitating a V10 engine, but didn't move.

"Dirk," groaned Pit, "wake up already."

"Just let me stick to what I'm good at, yeah?" grumbled the dark angel, and rolled over

"Would it help if I kicked you?" Pit was starting to get irritated as well.

"Would it give you any satisfaction?" was Dirk's reply, shifting position a little.

"No."

"Me neither, so bugger off. Why is this bed so hard?"

"Because," said Pit, with the tone a primary school teacher uses to address a particularly stupid child, "it is not your bed. It is the hood of a Lamborghini which has been crashed through-"

Dirk was bolt upright in an instant, ignoring the telltale throb of a hangover as he looked around. What he thought was his bedroom turned out to be the dining room, which had undergone a startling transformation since he had last seen it - a lot of green paper shamrocks were pinned to the roofs, and one wall featured a poster of a leprechaun bearing the most tortured cereal-mascot smile possible. The counter surface was littered in empty bottles and glasses of varying descriptions, and an unidentifiable liquid substance was splattered on the floor - probably a spit drink of some kind.

What was more startling, he discovered when he turned his head, was the massive hole in the wall. And the Lamborghini Reventón stuck halfway through it, the hood of which he was currently sitting on. Somehow, despite the forces required for a car like this to break through a solid brick wall, it didn't have a single scratch on it, looking as though it had walked freshly from the factory.

There was a long pause whilst Dirk tried to correlate all this information.

"...and when did this get here?" he tried, at last.

"How the heck should I know?!" cried Pit, throwing up his hands in frustration. "You're the one who crashed it into our house!"

"Let's not shout, okay?" hissed Dirk, bringing up a hand to his forehead. Here came the hangover - and it wasn't a pretty one, lancing through his brain like a javelin made of sandpaper and hedgehogs. With an effort, he pushed himself upright, slid off the hood of the Lambo and staggered around to investigate it. Might as well do something productive, if only to ignore the massive amounts of ranting from Pit he could foresee.

"Looks new," he muttered under his breath as he inspected it. "Hardly done a few miles, I should think."

"Do you have any idea," Pit was beginning to say, "of how much this is gonna cost us. Wes Weasley will be laughing all the way back home - if we can even get him to do something about this!" Dirk pointedly ignored him and peered through the window of the car, taking in the blurry images of black leather, brown Alcantara and several crates of-

"Holy shit," he cried despite the resurgence in head pain. "It's full of beer!"

"Not to mention," Pit went on, "that somebody obviously owns that car, and we're going to have to do a hell of a lot of explaining when we give it back to them!"

"None of it's even open!" Dirk added, still ignoring him as he wrenched the door open and bent over to inspect the goods.

"And how are we-?" Pit suddenly trailed to a stop, and for a moment there was silence. And then the audible smacking noise made Dirk turn his head around, finding his brother with one hand over his mouth and shoulder shaking in a fit of hysterical laughter. His eyes seemed to be aimed downwards, for some reason...

"What?" was the dark angel's confused question.

By way of reply, because he was still giggling fit to burst, Pit suddenly whipped out the Mirror Shield and held it up.

And right there, emblazoned across the seat of the shamrock-green Speedos that were the only piece of clothing Dirk had on, were the words "KISS ME, I'M IRISH".

-------

Some say you could hear Dirk's scream of horror from five miles away.

Hail to the King (Part 3)

~PORT BLACKSAND~

Sam had never seen Star Wars before. The only reason he knew it existed was because the people he associated with often referenced it, usually in a dumb in-jokey way that he wasn't really parlay to. So therefore, he only knew about Mos Eisley being a thing because he had heard that one quote over and over, and had no real idea of what it looked like.

Port Blacksand, he reckoned, was close.

"There's a joke about scum and villainy somewhere," he muttered as he strolled down the grime-ridden streets. He wouldn't have been far-off in making that joke - the general look of the town, even from a distance, was a shifty, side-eyed one that kept an eye out for the cops as it filched someone's wallet, and up close it was no better. Gruff-voiced men and rasp-voiced women hollered out their wares from side corners and crannies, half the populace seemed to stare at the floor or cover their faces as they walked and the smell of damp and poorly-cooked food hang like a foul perfume over the place. The only mercy Sam could find was that nobody seemed inclined to look at him, and when they did they usually gave him a wide berth.

It might have had something to do with Walter trotting by his side, though. It would seem that having a Leowolf - that is, a canine now the size of a lion - next to you was a good way to carve out a decent personal space. A good metre or so of thin air around Sam had gone practically unmolested, and the former Destined Hero had the impression that this was more to do with the wolf than anything about himself. Mind you, brightly-coloured clothing was something of a target for stares in a place like this.

It hadn't felt like long before a nose pushed itself into his leg, and Walter gave a whining bark to indicate that Sam should look at something. He did, and found that they were now approaching a tavern, which looked so ashamed of it's shabby appearance it seemed to by trying to hide itself between all the other buildings on the street. A forlorn, knife-hacked and torch-burned sign swung above the door, and the blond-haired swordsman couldn't help but snort at the faded name etched into the wood "NOBODY INN". At least the place had a sense of humour.

"You thirsty, big guy?" he asked Walter, knowing his guess was not far off.

The wolf replied with a short yap and a mad wagging of the tail.

"Alright," chuckled Sam as he tousled the wolf's furry head. "We'll stop for a drink, and then maybe ask for directions."

The two promptly changed course, and their first obstacle came in the form of a man built like a diseased gorilla, who stepped between them and the comforting warmth of the tavern on the instant they crossed the threshold. His mere appearance turned nearly every head in the bar - it seemed people were accustomed to the routine scuffles that their bouncer got into.

"Fuck off," were his first words, growled out like an industrial meat grinder.

Sam groaned, already familiar with this kind of scenario. "Look," he tried, "I'm not here to cause trouble. I just want-"

"Fuck off, I said," repeated the bouncer, stepping forward. "We don't serve your lot here, with your poncy outfits and too many belts. And take your mutt with you, or else I'll-"

Sam didn't even have to say anything. If there was one thing he knew Walter hated more than anything, it was being called a mutt, mongrel or any sort of pejorative relating to his breeding. A blur of silver-grey shot up from his left, there was a thump and the bouncer collapsed to the floor, half-dazed and clutching his own forehead. And then, in case that wasn't hilarious enough, the Leowolf casually trotted over to the prone juggernaut and sat on him as though he were a cushion from his bed back home.

This set every table in the tavern at a roar at once. It must have been the funniest thing they'd seen all week.

"Thank you, thank you!" Sam laughed back and waved as he stepped into the building. "He does headstands, too!" Which probably wasn't true, but he could smell that half of them were already pissed out of their minds, so anything would prolong the hilarity. And as they lapped it up like monkeys at feeding time, he took the time to check the medallion from Victoria, just in case it had any clues as to-

Huh. It was blinking rather brightly. That meant somebody from the Forty-Four, that group of heroes Sam had needed to seek out to try and deal with the Magpies, was in this very building. But where...?

Sam looked up.