Jurassic World: Some Spoiler-Free Thoughts

"You are acting like we are engaged in some kind of mad science, but we are doing what we have done from the beginning. Nothing in Jurassic World is natural! We have always filled gaps in the genomes with the DNA of other animals, and if their genetic code was pure, many of them would look quite different! But you didn't ask for reality; you asked for more teeth!"

This line, from B.D. Wong's returning character Henry Wu, sums up a lot about Jurassic World. It's a lot of things, that line - it's justification for not keeping up to date with the latest paleontological discoveries (feathered T. rex, what the fuck), and a two-pronged jab with a toasting fork against both the science camp for decrying their choice to do so and the public for demanding bigger and better. It's a little ham-handed, but since the entire film seems to be a massive piss-take of today's Apple and CGI culture, it sort of fits, tonally speaking. Somehow, though, I don't think a film with dinosaurs in it ought to be the place to say so - maybe save that for the Social Justice blogs

It took literally ten years of development hell and botched script drafts, but it's finally here, folks. Jurassic World is set twenty-two years after the events of the first Jurassic Park film, thankfully ignoring the confused mess that was The Lost World and the B-Movie shlock that was Jurassic Park III. We have a theme park full of dinosaurs, and it works, and people love it - but not according to Bryce Dallas-Howard's character, who worships at the altar of Lord Focus Groups. Thinking people don't care for regular dinosaurs anymore, she goes ahead and commisions InGen's scientists to make a literal Frankenstein's dino, a genetic hybrid designed to wow the crowds with how disgustingly overpowered and fierce it is. I don't think it's a spoiler when I say it all goes to shit, thanks to a bunch of behind-the-scenes idiocy, and it ends up putting Bryce's two newphews in danger as the Indominus rex (I still prefer Diabolus) starts being a huge piece of shit and fucking up everything.

The interesting thing about Jurassic World is that you can practically cut it in half and see all the failed script drafts that came before it, like the rings in a tree stump. We all laughed at the idea of human-raptor hybrid mercenaries with guns that was floated around the internet for quite some time, but yet somehow these elements get recycled into this film and all that happens is a quirked eyelid or two. We have illegal genetic experiments in the form of Indominus rex, trained raptors in the form of Chris Pratt and a bunch of CGI dinosaurs and shady PMC's in the form of Vincent D'Onofrio, whose character might as well be wearing a giant neon "I AM EVIL" sign above his head. It's amazing what a major overhaul can do to hide the failures of previous iterations, but if you ask me they either should have pulled out those elements entirely, or gone the whole hog and made a flying T. rex with chaingun arms and a stinger tail. Hey, I'd pay to watch that!

In case the previous paragraph didn't tip you off, Chris Pratt headlines in this film, fresh from his success in Guardians of the Galaxy. I bring this up this because he's the only character in the film worth mentioning - a beleagured raptor trainer who has to pick up a gun and sort things out when the Indominus decides to kill everything for laughs. Even then, he suffers from not having a giant tree and Dave Bautista to bounce his rougish mannerisms off of - you can see him trying, poor soul, but the performance he gave in the Marvel film doesn't quite suit a more down-to-earth film about escaped dinos. Then again, compared to Irrfan Kahn's five minutes of fame, he's practially the golden boy around here, and this is why casting for name recognition only doesn't work.

I did hear from one or two sources, before taking to the cinema, that this film was deemed too intense for some younger members of the audience. Looking back after two weeks or so, I can definitely see why - there's a lot of sequences that aren't just terrifying, they're outright disturbing even in the context of the film. A sequence where the Indominus distends it's jaw trying to swallow a gyrosphere with the kids inside stands out for me, but the media has latched onto one particular death scene which, whilst I won't give details, was unneccesarily drawn out to the point where even I found myself muttering "Jesus" at. The Raptors remain the masters of sudden jumpscares as they always were, and as much as I decry them as cheap frights, I think we can all agree the sudden appearance of a dinosaur's head through your car window would make anyone scream like a schoolgirl. So yeah, think twice before you take any toddlers.

There's a lot to like about this film, but on the same level there's a lot that drags it down as well. Jurassic World asks a lot of our suspension of disbelief - resurrected dinosaurs are one thing, but a fanciful hybrid composed of a random grab-bag of DNA scraps is another. A lot of the characters, with the exception of Pratt, Dallas-Howard and the Annoying Twins, just don't really stand out, and a lot of them seem to be going through the motions, as good actors they are otherwise. There's a romance sub-plot that feels really shoe-horned in, but considering the quote made by Wong above, you have to wonder how deep the irony hole goes and how many people were in on that joke. And those looking for the T. rex to teach Indominus a lesson after getting chumped by the Spinosaurus in the last film may be a little dissapointed - the Mosasaur feeding show at the start of the film is a lot more than spectacle, I'm afraid.

There are a lot of saving graces, however. The Indominus, as implausible as it is, gets a lot of effective scenes that really do paint it as a genuine threat - smart, violent and a perfect embodiment of the corporate hubris and "more thrills" mindset that made it in the first place. A nice nod to the original film comes about half-way into the running time when the ruins of the original park are found, and those clamouring for a return appearance of Mr. DNA, aka Text Avery's existiental nightmare after dodgy seafood, will be happy by his brief cameo early on. The actors overall are far above average, putting in good performances despite the occasional slip-up here and there. And the last ten minutes or so, without wishing to spoil, will make you jump up and down in childish delight screaming "YESSSSSSSSSSS" like someone pumped you full of sugar and caffiene.

Jurassic World, in summary, is many things. It's a slog, with many scenes taking a bit too long to resolve themselves properly, but with pretty good payoff at the end. It's frightening in places, to the point of off-putting, with some of the more gruesome deaths in the franchise so far. It's got moments that teeter on the fence between goofy and outright silly. But I'd say it's definitely worth checking out, and several leagues above JPIII for being worth your time, if not quite as close to the tense atmosphere and wonder of the first film. Again, though, be warned - try not to bring any paleo-nuts or small children in your visit, else you won't be able to hear the film through the combined terrified crying and the screams of righteous outrage. And then that £5 popcorn will feel like more of a waste of money than it already was, I mean, Jesus Christ.