Monster Mash Round 3: The Fatal Four-Way

Ladies, Gentlemen and others...

The time has come, as a wise sea mammal once said. Okay, so that guy ended up eating a whole bunch of baby oysters because he was a prick, but you get the gist of it! The seats of the ThunderDome is packed to the brim with shrieking spectators, the popcorn and hot dogs are being traded around and everything is in place. Our energy shields are on full voltage to ensure that you're completely protected from the carnage about to take place here, and our contestants are champing at the bit to get ready for the big fracas of a finale that is...

It's me, Connor Hardy, up in the commentator's booth, and I'm as ready as you are...

-------

The first to enter is Daidako, and-

...okay, what the fuck. How the hell does that thing swim with a cranium that huge? Shouldn't all the drag make it move as slow as molasses, not to mention all the weight of the grey matter in there? i mean, come on, you Japanese, at least try to use a semblance of logic!

...anyway. Daidako is the first entry, and the crowd goes wild as he slips in through the waterlocks and into the arena pool. Almost immediately does he act, dropping to the bottom of the water and splaying himself across the tiles like an old washcloth, and that's when his natural octo-squid abilities kick in. His skin changes colour and tecture at once, forgoing the smooth, easily visible orange to the bumby blue-and-white of the pool tiles - an almost perfect match that even our cameras have trouble keeping track of! I think I can guess what is gambit is, folks, and let me tell you, it's a clever one - but will it pay off?

Well, we'll find out soon enough - Tiburon has just been released into the arena! The metal of his cyborg body gleams in the sunlight filtering down through the roof, and he looks a real picture as he begins to swim about in a wide circle, seeking where his enemy might be. Not only are his shark senses finely attuned to any change in the pool water, but the electrical and thermal sensors along his body also play a part in keeping tabs on his surrondings. Slowly, Mecha Shark cruises around and around, fin cutting through the water and leaving the audience tense with expectation.

They don't have to wait long.

Daidako probably thought he had the upper hand, lying around all invisible and stuff. But as he decloaks and surges forward, ready to grapple with the cyborg charcharodon, Tiburon suddenly whips around to put himself broadside on to his foe. Ports in his mechanical body open up, and the awful octopus suddenly finds himself peppered with torpedoes that explode like Independance Day fireworks against his flesh! Tiburon had probably picked up his heat signature long before he even drew near, but had been playing for an opening like this all along!

But even though the explosives are leaving awful pock-marks in his spongy hide, Japan's Finest refuses to be deterred so easily by this mechanical monster. Lunging forward once more, the devilish Daidako tries his very best to wind a few of his tentacles around Tiburon, looking to grapple with his American enemy and find a weak valve or seam. But imagine the shock he recieves when, and I'm not trying to make a pun here, the Mecha Sharks's skin suddenly lights up with thousands of volts of electrical power, forcing the cunning cephelapod to release his grip! That dermal armour is certainly earning it's keep today!

Backing away from his foe, Daidako's mind whirls like a wheel as it tries to forumlate a plan. Close combat is obviously right out, and there's nothing here that could allow it to try for ranged attacks - all things considered, it got lucky with the whole "harpoon gun" stunt it pulled on Dinoshark. There is one other option, but it's only been a few weeks since those preiliminary tests back at the labratory in Tokyo, so there's no telling ho it'd workwith something as big as Tiburon. The Kraken's eyes roll madly as it simultaneously tries to shake off muscular spasms and think up a way to solve this conundrum.

A sudden splash makes him turn, and presents him with an alternative. Having arrived third into the competition, Clades the Sharktopus has wasted no time at all, hauling his massive armour-clad bulk over the edge of the pool and into the water. And once in his element, he wastes no time in making a massive beeline for both of his enemies, bringing his tentacles to bear and activating the laser blades within them as he advances, snarling throatily.

Seeing the other cyborg chimera enter the scene gives Daidako an idea - he did a sneaky thing and read up on his opponents, I'm told, before the match began. Sensing Tiburon turning around for an attack, he giant squid carefully adjusts his position in the water, placing himself between Clades and Tiburon, waiting for the opportunity that his brain knows is his best chance of drawing blood on both sides. His unusual choice of action doesn't even register as such in the mind of Clades - in his eagerness to battle, all he sees is his opponent making himself a massive target. Four of his smaller tentacles whip around, firing off the pointed darts that form his long-range capabilities at the mass of squid-topus in front of him.

But at the last second, the Kraken jinks aside. Which was just as well, since Tiburon was charging at him from behind with his mouth agape, looking to bite off some brain. And to add to the confusion, a cloud of thick black ink billows into the water from the Japanese contender as well, blinding the American cyborg as he swims right into it. A second later, the darts of Sharktopus pierce the metallic skin, exploding in a conflagration that visibly lights up the murky smokescreen and tearing up chunks of dermal armor. If his vocal cords weren't mangled from the constant surgery, Mecha Shark would probably roar in pain as he thrashes about, churning the water above him into a froth in his bewilderedment.

A growl of frustration escapes Clades as he sees his darts have hit the wrong target, but he is comforted by one or two small factors. Blinded, and with his armor compromised, Mecha Shark won't be able to see him coming - so it is this huge target, and not the speedier Kraken, that the Greek conquerer charges for. Diving head-first into the cloud of ink, Sharktopus immediately discovers the ruptured holes where the darts detonated and gets to work, lashing out with his laser blades to carve deeper into the armor with swipe after swipe. Tiburon writes and snaps, but no matter which way he twists he can't get any kind of grip on this new foe, and soon a foul mixture of oil and blood begins to seep into the water around him.

What neither the Greek or American veterans can know, locked in combat as they are, is that this is exactly what Daidako had planned to do all along. With the both of them distracted, the Japanese contender has been getting into position, ready to launch an attack that nobody has seen him do before - one that, he is sure, will let him win this fight with relative ease. The Kraken's tentacles spread as he hovers close to the surface of the water, and his skin begins to pulse a whole bunch of weird colours and ack, give me a moment, folks...

...okay, so let's just assume those are colours science doesn't know about yet. It hurts my brain to look at them, anyway.

Whatever that's building up for, though, it'll have to wait. Because a sudden explosion of heat knocks Daidako forwards, pain searing through his body as all the flesh on the top of his head is blasted and burned by an unseen force. Swivellng his eyes around, the titantic terror of Tokyo sees a blurred, purple shape hovering above the water, flickers of flame fizzling out from around where the hands ought to go. Unbeknownst to even me, the terrible form of Samuel Escardo, or Mansquito, has snuck in, and now he chitters at the aquatic foe below him, ready to deal out some pain.

Of course, it's not like Daidako's gonna let him get away with that nonsense, is it? Twisting around in the water, the massive mollusc flings out his tentacles in a shower of spray, looking to sieze hold of the hybrid hero above him and rip him limb from limb like a jelly baby. What he doesn't anticipate, however, is the sheer speed of his opponent, as Mansquito does everything in his power to prevent any single tentacle from getting a grip on his body. He dodges swipes from the left, parries attacks from the right and even throws out a karate kick or two to stop the sucker-covered appendages from succeeding in their goal. If you ever wanted to see air-to-sea martial arts, folks, there you have it!

But what's happening with Tiburon and Clades right now? Well, our underwater cameras have shown that the American condenter has broken free of the ink cloud Daidako left behind, and is now frantically trying to manouevre hmself so he can sink his alloy steel gnashers into Sharktopus. But the Hero of the Cretian Siege is not about to let that happen, and keeps jetting this way and that, lashing out with a blade here or a dart there to bewilder his bigger enemy. He feels vaguely guilty about the fact he's having to put down a relative, but those American pig-dogs have tortured and mutilate the poor creature (his sponsor's words, not mine), and thus he has no choice but to put him down....

Of course, Tiburon isn't all that dumb - he's realized he's not gonna be able to catch his swifter enemy in his teeth now. So in a startling moment of improvisation, Mecha Shark engages his side-thrusters and twists about on the spot, lashing his massive tail around like a kayak paddle being wielded by a drunken tribesman of the Amazon. By a sheer miracle, he pulled this strange manouevre just as Sharktopus had pulled around behind him to cut at the tail itself, and the poor bugger gets slapped so hard he goes flying - straight out of the pool, folks, and right into the air! He screams right over Mansquito's head and lands in a pile on top of one of the many platforms we've constructed for the land-based combatants, scraping all his nice clean armor as he skids to a stop.

Both Mansquito and Kraken notice this little display going on, and the Japanese combatant halts for a moment as he tries to figure out what the fuck just happened. This gives Samuel the moment he needs, as he's only just twigged he's not going to be on even turf if he keeps this fight up, and Sharktopus looks more like an even battle. With a shriek, the kung-fu insect hurtles away from Daidako's tentacles and towards the combat platform, landing upon it on the same instant Clades hauls himself back upright with a hoarse, wheezing groan.

There is a tense moment as the two face off...

...which is then ruined by a mass of billowing water from the pool.

It comes from Daidako and Tiburon, who have re-engaged each other now that their other enemies have decided to occupy themselves with their more equal-size counterparts. Mecha Shark has just rammed his massive mechanical snout into Kraken's side, snapping his metallic jaws ferociously, but his teeth failed to find their target, giving the surprised Daidako the time needed to recover from that and jettison away from his enemy. Now a determined chase is going on, with Tiburon doing his best to try and catch the cunning cephalopod, who makes up for lack of speed with a determined agility that his massive bulk belies.

On the platform above, meanwhile, the wave has become the cue for Clades and Samuel to start their own fight, and it's pretty much the high-octane kung-fu nonsense everyone's been waiting for. Clades is bigger, no doubt about that, and he wields his laser sabres with the presicion and skill born of a veteran soldier, combining swipes, stabs and parries with determined efforts to bite the bug's head off. Samuel, meanwhile, has taken the lessons of his spiritual teachers to heart, and is quick to respond with his own flurry of attacks, parries and nerve strikes to try and cripple his foe.

Both sides of each fight are at a stalemate here - force vs speed, cunning vs intelligence, martial arts vs lots of teeth.

Something has to give at some point folks...

And it almost does, as Clades and his brute strength manage to overpower the smaller Mansquito and knock him off balance. That's all the time it takes for the Grecian contender to swipe with a free tentacle, sweeping the Spanish hero's legs out from under him and sending him to the floor. With a growl of triumph, Sharktopus immediately makes a determined stab for his insectoid enemy, looking to skewer him for good, but the attack is caught by Samuel just in time, the tip of the laser blade inches from his own face. The two combatants heave against each other, trying to push past each other's defenses and secure a kill-

Oh, wait, what's this? Tiburon's fired his torpedoes again - he's sick of being dodged and ducked all the time and is getting straight to the point! But Daidako's gotten wise to that trick and has jinked to one side, and the torpedoes slam into the supports of the battle platform like speeding trains, causing them to wobble like the Eiffel Tower in a stiff gale. The sudden lurch causes Sharktopus to lose his footing - or tentacle-ing? - and with a cry of surprise he goes tumbling sideways across the polished plastic, limbs going everywhere. At the last moment, however, he lashes out with one pointed appendage, digging it into the side of the platform just as it seems he's going to go over the edge. With a jerk, he comes to a stop, danging precariously over the surface of the water like a ball on a string.

This hasn't gone unnoticed - Mansquito had the presence of mind to spread his wings and take to the air when he felt the platform wobble dangerously, preventing himself from sharing the same fate as his opponent. Now, the mutant martial artist takes notice of his enemy's predicament, and sees an opportunity to quickly put his opponent out of commision - his usual sense of honour has been tempered by knowing what the stakes are in this battle, and he can't afford to give his opponent any advantage. Immediately, he begins to dart back and forth, shooting off fireballs from different angles in the hopes that at least one of them will catch his prey and send him tumbling into the midst ofthe brawl between the two bigger contenders.

Sharktopus isn't about to let that happen, though, and despite his precarious position, he still has some degree of mobility. So when the fireballs come for him, he immediately begins swinging left, right and every other direction you care to name to evade the incoming barrage of death, allowing many of the fireballs to simply scream past him and hit the surface of the water. Whilst one or two skin along his body and cause some degree of pain as his skin is singed and his armor cracked, he bites back the pain and the horrible feeling of drying out like a raisin in the sun, keeping up his evaisve manouevres as he seeks the opportunity to strike back.

What none of them realize is that the impacts of the fireballs on the pool surface have drawn attention...

And this proves to be the downfall of Mansquito. For, as frustration takes hold, he decides the long range option isn't working out for him, and swoops down towards his enemy in an attempt to simply kick him straight off the platform. But by this time, all the swinging about Clades has done has finally given him the momentum he needs, and with a guttaral roar he wrenches himself around and upwards into the air, at the same time slicing with one of his free laser blades. The weapon carves deep into Samuel's body as the two pass each other, and the Spanish bug monk thing loses control of his flight path, blood trailing from the grievous would in his midsection as he careens downwards towards the surface of the water.

Which promptly erupts into a lot of steel teeth.

Welp, hope you got your money's worth. Samuel Escardo, aka Mansquito, the hero of Beijing, just became mince. And with Mecha Shark sealing the first kill of the match, who knows where this is gonna go?

Sharktopus certainly doesn't seem to know. Because as he rights himself and looks down over the edge of the platform at where his adversary died, he can't help but feel a little confused. There is no way that he can even consider jumping down there, not when Tiburon is lurking in the depths and waiting for him with a whole boatload of teeth and other nasty weapons. But at the same time, he knows that he's going to have to fight that thing, sooner or later, and the longer he delays the quicker the cyborg will be able to come up with a counterattack. For a moment, the chimeric charcharodon hesitates, unsure if what to do.

But it's this hesitation that alerts him to the slopping noise coming from behind him. Turning around, Clades is startled by the sight of a massive, orange-red bulk heaving itself over the side of the platform he's on, yellow eyes glaring at him over a mass of tentacles. Somehow, through a feat of strength that even I can't explain, Daidako has managed to climb up the supports to the combat platforms like he was the giant octopus from that Harryhausen film, seeking to take on some slightly easier prey than Tiburon. His exertions have left him heaving for air, but at least he's up and ready to battle.

Instantly, Clades figures out what he needs to do. Although he himself is tired out from fighting Mansquito, Daidako is out of his element, and his own weight will slow him down considerably out of the water. The veteran of the Greco-italian wars immediately begins to backpedal across the platform, firing off volleys of explosive darts as though he was a boss in a bullet hell game, knowing that sooner or later the sheer volume of projectiles will cause an injury he can take advantage of. It's a war of attrition he's playing here - he has no idea how long it will take for the Kraken to tire, but he's prepared to keep this up for as long as it takes.

His initial assumption about the darts is correct, at least. For every few that Daidako can bat away with a swipe of his tentacles, a dozen more or so lodge into his flesh and explode - he simply can't deflect all of them at once. At first, his soft, rubbery hide doesn't give much to the slews of darts, and the Kraken continues his pursuit, hauling himself up directly onto the platform as he tries to chase down his smaller enemy and engage him directly. But Clades refuses to give him that honour, constantly backing away and firing until he reaches the ramp that leads to the higher secondary platform, which he scrambles up cat-fashion to stay out of range and thwart his Japanese foe's chances,

By the time Kraken reaches the ramp, Sharktopus' strategy is already starting to pay off. His gasps for breath have turned into dry heaves, and his skin is starting to dry out, wrinkling like a walnut that's been left on the shelf for a day. His attempts to catch the slippery shark are met with frustration as his opponent proves too quick and nimble, and occasional flashes of the green-coloured sabres dissuade him from ever getting to grips with the Grecian. And worst of all, as more and more of the persistant projectile volley explodes against him, he actually starts to bleed as his flesh yields to the constant barrages.

It isn't long before Clades thinks he sees an opportunity. Daidako pauses for a moment, trying to recover his breath so he can drag himself up the ramp and continue the fight. For a moment, it seems the sizable squid is too exhausted to launch another attack, and the hybrid horror quickly siezes the moment to attack. Roaring like a bull raging at a manumental cock-up in a soccer match, Sharktopus draws both of his laser blades and leaps, mouth agape and every tooth bared. if he can drive his sabres into the wounds, then he is bound to reach the brain and-

OH GOD MY EYES

WHAT IS HAPPENING

WHY IS SHARKTOPUS LEVITATING LIKE-

...oh, okay. So the Japanese made the Kraken telekinetic. Fucking hell.

Anyway, Clades is now an exploded pile of blood, organs and brain matter that's gone everywhere. The crowd is not very happy about that - he was one of the big favourites to win, after all - and a lot of insults get thrown in Daidako's direction in various different languages, some he can understand and some he can't. But the act of bursting the Grecian competitor's brain like a grape has drained the colossal cephalopod to the point where he doesn't care, slumping against the cold plastic of the platform in a daze. His head spins like a washing machine on final rinse, his body aches with the effort of dragging himself about and his wounds are stinging in the air of the arena. If only he had the chance to rest up...

It's not one he's going to get.

A series of thumps causes the platforms to shake, making Daidako snap back to his senses. Shit, he completely forgot all about Tiburon, didn't he? A cursory glance reveals that yes, he totally did - the mechanical monster has finally gotten fed up of waiting for the action to come to him, and is now savagely ramming the platform supports with his snout in an attempt to dislode Japan's finest from his perch and get him back into the water. Sharks are usually known for being patient hunters, but it would appear nobody gave Tiburon this memo, as he punctuates his battering ram tirades with deep, steely rumbles of agitation from his engine, knowing that his enemy is right above him yet won't come down to fight evenly with him.

Daidako realizes immediately that he has a conundrum on his hands. Now that he's up here, how does he get back down to fight? He dreads the idea of simply dropping down, because then his enemy might be waiting for him, and the less said about how Mansquito just went out the better. On the other hand, he's pretty much exhausted himself after climbing up there, and he knows that if he undertook the same route to engage the mechanical monster beneath him he'd simply have no energy left at all. It's a puzzle that the Kraken, for the first time in his life, finds himself unable to solve.

But Tiburon is there to solve it for him.

Before the Kraken has much more time to marshal his thoughts, the water around his precarious platform billows upwards as rockets shoot up and out of the water, billowing smoke and flame. Too impatient to wait for his enemy to come down, Tiburon has decided he's going to force him down by launching his secret S-2-A missile system, hidden in the ports on his back. The missiles arc upwards and around, their in-built heat detectors picking up the warmth given off by Daidako's massive brain as they swoop around, looking to bury themselves into some squid flesh and detonate messily.

Eyes widening in terror, Daidako ditches the methodical pace for once and does the only thing he can do. With a spasm akin to a paraplegic spider attempting to pole vault, the Japanese contedor does the closest thing he can manage to a jump, hurling himself off the side of the combat platform mere seconds before the missiles impact. The fiery detonation that occurs as the projectiles strike the empty space, one by one, illuminates the faces of the rapturous crowd, but it's not over yet - Daidako is still falling towards the water, his own tonnage dragging him down like an anchor attached to a fat bloke.

The bad news is, as he predicted, Tiburon is underneath him.

On the other hand, the shark doesn't even know where he is.

It's not so much as SPLASH as it is a dull CLANG that reverbs off the arena walls, a plume of spray nonetheless flying up as the Kraken lands on Mecha Shark. The sheer weight of the squid shunts the mechanical monster down through the water, down and down until he thumps heavily against the floor of the pool, thrashing and snappind as he tries to throw the oversized octopi off of his back. But having recovered from the momentary surprise landing, Daidako is quick to take advantage of his situation - two massive tentacles lash out, one gripping Tiburon's upper jaw whilst another clings to the lower one. If you've ever seen King Kong, you'll know exactly what's going on here - the squid is trying to snap the shark's jaws apart.

For a good minute or so, it's like watching a bucking bronco sized up by several degrees. Daidako simply won't relinquish his hold on the mechanical shark, doing his best to yank Tiburon's mouth open and splinter something vital. By the same token, Tiburon won't just hold still long enough to let that happen, so he's doing everything he can to try and shake the massive mollusc off. You may be wondering why he's not using his electrified armor to simply shake Daidako off - well, it would seem that the connections for that got severed by all the stabbing and slicing Sharktopus did earlier. So he can't resort to that.

But it's about the third time that Tiburon breaches the water, carrying his orange-red passenger with him, that another idea comes to him.

And he turns on his jets.

Yes, you heard me - jets. He's had them hidden in various compartments on his body, and now he's unfurling them, letting them ignite with ferocious roars. For the briefest moments, his own weight combined with that of his enemy means he hovers in the air, the water beneath him boiling. Then the thrust takes over, and he rockets upwards into the air of the arena, dragging the helpless Kraken with him as he begins an erratic, swooping and veering course around the arena. The crowd screams as he passes over their heads, and-

JESUS!

Christ, they came right by my commentator's booth! Thank GaiaCorp this thing is reinforced, or else I've have been paste! I tell you, there's not a pay rate in the world that makes up for this job.

Anyway, Tiburon seems to be just flying in circles now, getting faster and faster. It's hard to tell what he hopes to achieve through this - Daidako's grip is as tenacious as ever, and though the supersized squid is having a hard time keeping on, he's probably not going to shift any time soon. Round and round they go, speeding up like a washing machine on final rinse, and the smoke from the jet engines is forming a veritable cloud in the air. I only wonder what Tiburon's game is, it's not like he can-

Wait, he's changed course... He's heading up-

GREAT DODGER BLUE THE ROOF

With a sound like a pie being stepped in, Kraken is dashed against the glasteel roof of the arena, the speed and force of the impact too much for his soft body to handle as he is ripped apart like a packet of crisps. Blood and brain matter smear the once-pristine ceiling in a great long streak, and chunks of squid rain down like a gaudy shower, splattering on the floor, the audience and in the water. Somewhere, a thousand miles away, Japan collectively screams with rage and horror at the dishonourable trick, but it doesn't make a blind bit of difference what those sushi-munching, gene-splicing fucklords think.

The crowd absolutely loves it.

The jets splutter out, and Tiburon flops out of the air and into the water with a massive splash. He lies there, gasping from exertion, unhearing of the massive roar of applause and riots the crowd has become all around him. He's covered in cuts and perforations, and some of Daidako's tentacles are still sticking to him, but the pain and inconvenience all blur into white noise for him as he floats on the surface admits a sea of red, brain and giblets, the effort of using the jets leaving him thoroughly spent. He has a vague idea he might have done something good, but he's too tired to think about it properly. What he needs now is some nice, fresh fish to eat.

And the smell that comes from behind the double doors opening on the far side of the arena seems promising to him. One red eye swivels around, peering into the darkness of the recess left behind as the metallic panells finally creak open, and two large shapes become distinct as they emerge from within. He's never seen fish like this before, and wonders if this is a new kind that his handlers have discovered and brought in, just for him to eat. Maybe they'll be the best tasting fish he's ever-

KYAAAAAAAAOOOOOOO

Sorry, sports fan, but we forgot to tell you about Donner und Blitz, the PTERACUDA BROTHERS. They're the current reigning champions of the Monster Mash circuit, having held the position for at least three years now, and they're not about to let some jumped-up newbie take their hard-earned glory away from them. Shrieking like banshees who've been tasered in the scrotum, the triphibian terrors circle the arena airspace, gnashing their horrible teeth, before diving down towards their prone prey...


OH SHIT PANIC VOTE!

Here's a rundown of what the Pteracuda Brothers are about:

• Representing the German Republic, a rather-messed up place that nevertheless still makes good cars.
• Capable of flight, swimming and walking on land. Not so good at the later, though.
• Sharp teeth and claws, as per standard on beasts like this.
• Donner, in red, can spit a burning acid from the back of this throat. Blitz, in blue, has electric eel genes that let him fire electrical shocks.
• Both are good team hunters and are also fierce on their own. They tend to play sneaky and blindside their foes at critical moments.
• Physically fragile despite their ferocity. Their paper-thin bones can snap like twigs with enough pressure.
• Tend to go a bit crazy when they smell blood. Not Chupacabra levels, but enough to make them lose concentration at the wrong moment.

VOTE NOW TO DECIDE WHO BECOMES... KING OF THE MONSTERS!