Non-Canon Silliness 3: Morons vs Wild

WARNING: The following is not canon, and is also based on a dumb internet video. Don't read it if you don't care for anything that has no impact on ZFRP in any way :P

Also, watch this video first to understand the context.

~SOMEWHERE ON SAM'S WORLD...~

With a grunt of effort, the hilt of the Grandius was brought squarely down upon the tent peg with a clack, driving it further down into the soil. The action was repeated once, twice, thrice more, abiet with some difficulty, as the wielder's shoulder seemed to have become stiff and painful to move. But Sam - for it was nobody else - persisted despite the complication, until at last the peg was as far in as it could go, and the rope tied around it was as taut as it could be. Now the tent looked like a tent, and not like a jumbled pile of sticks and canvas someone had carelessly thrown aside.

"And that," he muttered, "is that." Then he stood up, and winced as the pain shot through his shoulder again, forcing him to grasp it with his free hand. Closer inspection revealed that the material of his jacket was torn open, and a series of long, ugly scratches - the terrible full-stroke of some animal's claws - decorated the skin. In fact, Sam overall did not look in very good condition, with badly ripped clothing, several bites upon his limbs, more scratches along his torso and a fine coating of dried mud over everything else.

Turning around, Sam recoiled as he saw a vision of awful horror. Then he calmed down as he realized that it was just Ash, sitting down by a fire of whittled branches and leaves. If anything, he seemed to be in an even worse comdition than Sam was - not only was he also covered in bites, but one side of his face was a swollen mass of lumpy, purplish-red blotches, like insect bites or something worse. And, most tellingly, he was hissing between his teeth as he applied the scabbard of the poison-sword Magnificence to his groin, looking to be in considerable pain.

"You alright?" Sam asked as he walked over. "That amphisbaena did a real number on you." The latter remark, judging from the glare shot at him by the other male, didn't seem to help at all.

"It's not the pain," grumbled Ash as the other man squatted close to him. "It's the swelling. I can have Magnificence draw the venom out, no trouble, but... dear Gods, it won't go down!"

"You should be happy," cut in Erdrick's voice, from where he was propped up against one of the tent struts. "It's not like it's ever going to be this big again." 

Sam quickly covered his mouth with one hand, muffling the snort of amusement he knew was coming. Ash looked as though he didn't know who to be cross with - Erdrick for making the joke, or the other blond for laughing. Then again, considering one side of his face was covered in purple and red blotches like a polka-dot quilt, looking cross was the least of his worries right now. And seeing those particular marks brought Sam back to the topic at hand - namely, the frankly ridiculous experience they'd just been through.

"I'm still surprised you managed to build that fire, by the way," he remarked. "I mean, fucking hell, there was, like, two hundred of those bees smothering you!"

"And there wouldn't have been," snapped Ash irritably, "if you hadn't poked their hive with your sword!"

"Hey, I thought it was a gourd!" retorted Sam, raising both hands placatingly. "Gimme a break!"

"And I'm sure," said Erdrick in a snide tone, "that you thought the lake you both jumped in was unoccupied." Sam shot a nasty look at the sword, but since he couldn't read the emotions of a sword, the effect was lost.

A thought suddenly seem to come to Ash. "That reminds me - I thought you were terrified of amphibians? Then how-?"

"First off," Sam interrupted, "lockjaws aren't amphibians. They're actually nothosaurs - and those are reptiles. Secondly, it's easy to wrangle one when you know how. They're like crocs and gators, in that they can't open their mouths if they're forced closed." He punctuated his statement by picking up a branch and giving the fire a perfunctory poke, watching the sparks flare up in response. It was a good fire, he had to admit - then again, Ash had somewhat cheated and used some of his fire powers to get it alight. There was a trick Sam would have to memorize.

"Is shooting bees out of their mouths normal?" came the sword's voice.

"Fuck no!" Sam looked as though he wanted to punch someone at that moment. "Why would insects and reptiles team up like that?! That's literally the most bullshit thing! Swear to Chakrav- er, God," he corrected himself, "I thought I got rid of that when we remade the world with the Guns!"

"Seems you missed a few spots," suggested Ash. "Or maybe it's a symbiosis thing. The bees naturally learned to co-operate with the lockjaws, strange as it was, and none of Chakravartin's influence had anything to do with it. Or," he added, voice turning a little bitter as he reached for a tube lying next to him, "you just didn't know that was a thing, like how you didn't know two-headed venemous snake-birds where a thing."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Actually, I did. But you insisted on trying to get closer to it. I was standing right there, telling you not to spook the thing, but..." And he gestured, by way of finishing his explanation, towards the other man's groin again. Ash made no response to that, except to grunt and start applying some of the stuff he squirted from that tube onto his face, wincing a little as he did so.

"The panther was a bit much, I thought," commented Erdrick. "I could have dealt with the other things, but the panther on top of it all was just ridiculous."

"I think," mused Sam, slowly, "that I had just given up by then. I legit thought I was going to die, and didn't even care if it was by cat or reptile. I was just sick of nature conspiring against man like this."

There was a very long pause, with the fire blazing away the only sound to be heard.

"You ought to do something about those stings, man," said Sam, after a while. "Leave those untreated and all your face goes blue. And then people think you're an alcoholic."

"This cream can relieve the pain easily enough," was Ash's response. "But," and here he gave a sort of perplexed and resigned shrug as he spoke, "nothing seems to do anything for the stings itself. It's like the venom isn't anything that occurs on- what are you doing?" he suddenly asked, trailing off his original question as Sam suddenly stoop up and began looking around him.

"There's a plant," responded the other man, "that might do the job. It's sap is used as a cure-all salve by the locals, and if any pharmaceutical company knew it existed, then they would literally go to war with everyone else to get the stuff. I found it once, when I had to escort a jungle princess through the rainforest - and I only admit to two thirds of that one manga being true, by the way," he added, noticing the look on Ash's face.

"Let me guess," muttered Erdrick. "It's covered in poisonous spikes and spits fire or something equally hideous."

"No," was the response. "It just beats the shit out of you."

"...what?"

"Seriously. It's called the Vagabond Gourd in the native tongue, but I prefer Boxer Plant. It knows it's delicious, and it protects itself from predators with these vines - basically the Whomping Willow on a smaller scale. Trust me, though," insisted Sam as he picked up his pack, "out of all the shit we've face so far, this is tame by comparison."

There was another long pause.

And then Ash put down Magnificence and stood up from the fire, cracking his shoulders. As if understanding what was going on through his head, Erdrick seemed to leap from where he was propped up by, and the Promethian reached out his hand and caught him in mid-air. It would have been pretty cool, had there been anyone apart from Sam to witness it.

"Is there any close by?" he asked.

"I think so," replied Sam as he picked up the Grandius once more. "I saw a clearing earlier that looked like a good place for one."

"Do we have a plan?"

"Get close, one of us holds it round the middle so it can't reach us, the other sticks it."

"Then I better tune my Intricacies to defense." And as Ash moved from his position by the fire to join his companion, the vague humming that indicated those trinkets adjusting themseves reached the other man's ears. Sam nodded in response, then shouldered his own sword - with a wince, since he'd put it on his bad shoulder by accident - and set off into the jungle, with the other man close behind him.

They would salvage this camping trip yet