"Cry if you want, boy, 'cause you had the chance to walk away. But you let me in, and I ain't leavin' till I get what's due to me. Expect me back same time, every day, until you guess right, and each time you guess wrong, I take somethin' from you. And if you don't get it by Christmas Mornin'..."
We now return to your regularly scheduled programming...
-------
"Utsuho... I'm really sorry..."
Those were the first words Pit managed to croak out, once he'd sipped from the glass of water and got some of his breath back.
"I... haven't been honest with you. There's something about me... that I haven't told you, or anyone else. Because it's a part of my life that I... don't like remembering. I went into a really dark place, then... and I didn't think it'd come back to haunt me like this. But now it's back, and I don't know what to do or how to stop it..."
He paused, swallowing, fighting back the urge to start sobbing again. Then he nearly jumped as two strong, warm arms wound themselves around him, and black wings joined in shortly after, creating a warm, comforting feather blanket. There were times having a living hot water bottle for a girlfriend was a very big blessing.
"...What is it?" Utsuho's voice was soft, and soothing. "You can tell me anything, Pit, especially if it's something important..."
Pit swallowed again, and did his best.
"...it was when I was very young, and a lot poorer. My parents... they used to fight a lot, mostly about money. Dad worked hard to make it, but Mum always spent it on stupid things like drugs. One night, before Christmas, it got really bad. So I did a dumb thing - I ran away, because I couldn't stand it. And I got lost in the seedy part of Manhattan - you know the sort of place. Where all the gangs and illicit business goes on. And then...
"I met this gentleman, he called himself Two-Coats... and he made me a deal that I could get rich and never have to worry about my parents fighting ever again. And I said yes, because I was desperate and frightened and didn't know what else to do..."
He paused, and took a big breath. Then he reached for the box of tissues, because his eyes were watering. It hurt, to admit all of this - it was a moment in his life that he had never told anybody, not even his parents. And now he was admitting it to his wife, the person with whom he ought to be the most honest with, after it would have been appropriate to tell her. Real smooth, Pit, he thought to himself as he dabbed at his face. Aurora would have cut your fingers off by now - and you'd deserve it.
"I don't know he did it, but... I ended up getting a position reserved at Sintendo, for new talent. And I never heard from him since then, until now. Because I owe him. But he's playing some twisted game... he's giving me a chance to get out of it by trying to guess what his real name is. Every time I guess wrong... well, you can see what happens there. And if I don't find out what it is by Christmas Morning... I'll lose everything."
His voice vecame very small, almost inaudible.
"...even you..."
A moment of silence. Which was the first warning sign - Even when down or depressed, Utsuho stilled liked to talk. It made things easier for the both of them when they did that. Whenever the Hell Raven fell silent, for any reason whatsoever, then that was a bad sign, because either she was really upset about something...
"...So he's given you a chance and now he's taking it away for no good reason, and that includes me?"
...or really angry about something.
And Pit soon discovered, as her temperature suddenly rocketed and flames began to lick the air around her, that it was the latter.
"I wanna know," she hissed, eyes blazing, "if there's any reason I shouldn't just blast his face off the second he steps in!"
It took Pit a few seconds to reply. Mostly because he'd forgotten how scary his wife could be when she got angry. But once he'd remembered that yes, that was his beloved Utsuho standing in front of him, he managed to find his voice.
"...because I'm fairly certain," he responded, slowly, "that he could eat your danmaku and call them spicy meatballs. Seriously, this guy has a stomach bigger than Sarah - no offense to the girl, mind you, but there it is. Also," he added, quickly, to assure that he was still taking this seriously, "he might be a demon. And after all these years with the Kobbers, we both know what a bother it is to kill those things."
"Oh..." Utsuho deflated, wings sagging and fire flickering out in dissapointment. It was almost comical to watch - Pit knew how much his wife liked to fight things, and learning that this was a problem you couldn't solve through punching always seemed to dampen her spirits. But it didn't last long, and soon the Hell Raven had a thoughtful look upon her face as she pondered the situation.
"Then how do we figure out his name or whatever? Normally this is the kind of thing I'd ask Lady Satori about but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't know... do we need to find other people or something?"
Pit blanched at the implications. "I... I'd rather not have to get anyone else involved. Two-Coats might come after them as well, and I don't want to inflict this on any of the other Kobbers. Not when they're supposed to be having their holiday." Especially Dirk, he mentally added. He's probably sick of having to play hero on Christmas.
"But I suppose," he added, "maybe we could find someone who does know about this sort of thing... We need to research this guy, and fast, before he ruins Christmas and my life for good."
Utsuho nodded. "Alright, if you've got any idea where to start I'll fly over wherever you need! We don't have that much time so let's get going, Pit!"
"Okay, then..." Immensely cheered up by his wife's ethusiasm, Pit stood up and pocketed the mass of tissues he had accumilated, before heading out to collect his coat. Utsuho followed, as eager as he was to get this problem nipped in the bud.
"First," announced the Light Angel as he threw on the heavy garment, "let's start with the library! If there's any books on demonology that can tell us what this guy does, and if he has a weakness, we'll need them! And if we can find where this guy lurks as well, that'll be doubly useful!
"...You any good at reading, Okuu?" he asked, after a moment's thought.
"Yep! ...Although I need to take lots of notes to actually keep anything, eheheheh..."
Pit shrugged. "Eh, we'll work on it. And if we meet Gloria, that's more help for us. Let's go!"
-------
The library was still open at this time of night, surprisingly. Pit had always wondered why Gloria would keep it open to he public, instead of closing it to spend more time with her family on Christmas, but right now he was extremely grateful that she did. And in any case, there were more important things to worry about then what Gloria did in her spare time - most likely reading, if the angel knew her at all.
Of course, he wasn't one to throw stones at the moment, not when he was frantically flicking through some dusty old tomes himself. He had no idea that there were so many books on demonology - in fact, he recognized a few himself, from his school days when demonology was a compulsory thing. And thankfully, his skills in taking rapid-fire notes whilst the teacher talked hadn't diminished in the slightest. So there he was, copying as much of the old-timey, floral text as he could make out, his wrist groing rapidly tired as he wrote upon what might have been his third piece of paper of the night.
Thank goodness Gloria was so understanding. And had so much paper.
He knew he was done when he turned the page for the book he was on and found it blank - he'd reached the end. With a groan of exertion he closed the book, prised his fingers away from his pen and reached for another. As he did so, he happened to glance sideways, where he knew Utsuho was sitting at another part of the table with her half of the books-
-and found her slumped over her notes, fast asleep.
After a confused pause, he gave a sigh and shook his head a little, although a smile graced his face at the sight. In all honesty, he should have expected this to happen - it was getting late, and the two had already exhausted themselves somewhat by worrying about the Two-Coats situation. He couldn't really fault her for losing concentration like this, especially in here. The angel didn't know of any other places that were more conductive to falling asleep than the stuffy air of a library, except maybe his own comfy bed.
Besides, she looked really cute when she was alseep.
Rising carefully from his seat, Pit reached over and carefully shook his wife by the shoulder. "Okuu?"
"Hnh? What?" Utsuho's eyes fluttered open, and lifted her head to look up at him with bleary eyes. For a moment, it seemed as though she'd forgotten where she was or what she was doing, and Pit's heart nearly melted into goo at the sight of it.
"You fell asleep," he explained.
Realization quickly came to the Hell Raven, and she groggily pulled herself upright. "Sorry, Pit, eheheheh... I guess I just got tired..."
"Yeah, I don't blame you." Pit reached for his chair and shuffled it around, positioning it next to Utsuho. "Shall we compare what we've got, at least?"
Utsuho nodded, and the two sat side-by-side as they looked over what they had managed to extract from the collections of tomes and grimoires on the subject. Much to their dissapointment, only a few went into any detail about the creature they were facing now, and most of them repeated the same thing ad nauseum - perhaps the authors had been in cahoots with each other at some point. The info they had gathered, though, said a lot - their adversary went under many names, the River King being one of them, and it turned out he fed on human misery, and thus had been making unsavoury deals since the earliest civilizations.
"So," grumbled Pit as he observed that particular passage. "It's not just me. He's been pulling this shit for a long time, and on Palutena-knows how many people."
"I wonder," mused Utsuho as she leaned over his shoulder, "if anyone else thought of trying to stop him. I mean, they can't just let him get away with this, right...?"
"Seems some tried." Pit's tone was sour as he noted a particularly striking image - the fat, fish-faced demon happily picking his teeth with some unfortunate knight's sword.
It wasn't long, however, before some breakthroughs were made. Utsuho had found that the thing needed to be invited into houses, much like a vampire, and could only manifest physically when people had made deals with him. Which meant that, as long as Pit's bargain was in place, the creature was vulnerable. And there was one particular detail that, upon closer examination, the duo had agreed to keep as a backup plan, in case whatever solution they first tried didn't work out. It was worth remembering, at any rate.
But finally, they settled on something. Something that had been repeated consistently and frequently in every book featuring the monster they'd seen, where others either appeared in only a few, or only once. A pair of words that, when put into context, could only have been the solution they were looking for.
Tahm Kench.
"That must be it," insisted Pit, slapping a thumb to the page. "This has to be his real name - why else does it appear so much."
"Great!" Utsuho seemed very relieved that they'd found something of value - and also very baggy-eyed - as she began to gather the books up. "If that is his name, all you gotta do is guess it, and he'll leave you alone, right?"
Pit paused as he helped to sort the tomes, pondering. "I'm not that sure. If what they say about this guy is true, he might try and abuse some loophole to get out of it. 'That used to be my name, but not anymore' - that type of nonsense."
"Well..." Utsuho seemed worried for a few moments, but then her face steeled. "It's worth a try, right? And even if it doesn't work, at least we have the backup plan."
"Do we have a backup of the backup?" Pit grunted as he heaved his stack off the table.
"Yeah." The Hell Raven's eyes glinted. "Blow him off the face of this planet."
Pit laughed. "Of course."
But secretly, he was hoping that they wouldn't need to resort to backups.
-------
The next day proceeded as normally as the two could manage it. Pit did his usual jobs around the house - feeding the sharks, doing the dishes, putting out seed for the birds and things like that. But it was obvious that as hard as he tried to pretend things were okay, they really weren't, and he kept jumping at every sudden sound or movement. Utsuho knew what he was feeling, and helped, in small ways, to alleviate his discomfort, such as sitting next to him when The Muppets' Christmas Carol came on, or helping him with the cooking.
It helped keep his nerves in check come dinnertime.
They had been expecting the knock on the door. How could they not? They had been preparing for it all day - and it was no surprise to Pit that it came at exactly the same time it had previously. Right down to the minute, it was proved upon a quick glance at the clock, and husband and wife shared a look with each other as they steeled themselves for what was to come.
Then Pit put down the plate with the turkey on it, straightened up and went to the front door.
Utsuho had only seen pictures of the monster in the books they'd read last night, so she wasn't really sure what to assume of his appearance or mannerisms. She was not to be dissapointed - the thing that followed in Pit's wake as he walked into the dining room, sliding his copius frame through the door with a grunt of effort, was almost a fraction uglier than the drawings had suggested. The gleam in his eyes as he looked upon her, presumably for the first time, was even worse, almost predatory in their intent.
"Ah, is this the lovely Utsuho I've been told about?" The thing made a show of tipping his battered top hat - a false gesture of congeniality, if ever there was one. "I am delighted to make your acquaitence, my dear!"
"Likewise," muttered Utsuho, holding back the urge to throw up.
Dinner proceeded in the same fashion as it had previously - the monster making small talk as he devoured the food that had been prepared for other people, with his host trying his best to not scream in terror or reach for a knife. It amaed Utsuho at how rapidly the thing could devour the entire spread in front of it - she'd been reckoned a champion eater equal to Sarah, but the beast seemed to have literally no end to his appetite or bottom to his stomach. It was almost commendable, in a gross and off-putting kind of way.
Eventually, the table had been completely cleared, every plate licked clean by the fat tongue of the monster. The latter belched in satisfaction, picked a morsel from between his jagged fangs, then turned to the revolted duo beside him and heaved himself onto his feet.
"Now," he growled, leering ominously, "to business. You figured it out?"
"I've got some good guesses," was Pit's response. But he shared a nervous glance with Utsuho that did not go amiss.
"Well, let's hear 'em." And the bloated form of Two-Coats folded his arms, his enormous grin growing wider, and waited for the responses.
"Clarence?" was the first try.
But the creature shook its head, making its whiskers wobble. "First time wrong, kid. Try again."
"Boudreaux?" tried Pit.
"Nope," chuckled the beast. "But I gots me a cousin by the name Boudreaux? Not as refined of taste as yours truly, of course, but-"
"Tahm Kench."
The change that came over Two-Coats' countenance was startling. In almost the space of an entire second, the smug grin fell away, the yellow eyes widened with dawning realization, and what colour remained in the clammy, grey skin drained out. It was the first time that Pit had ever seen the creature with an expression other than self-confident superiority, and it was almost frightening how different he looked when he wasn't gloating or monologing.
"...what?" he hissed.
"Tahm Kench," repeated Pit, but now with more confidence. "That's your name, right?"
A pause.
Then Tahm Kench gave an ugly chuckle.
"Very good," he growled. "Didn't think you'd get it right - but then again, that be the same mistake ol' 'Stilkskin made. Guess we demon-types be slow learners, eh?"
"Yep," retorted Pit, feeling a weight lift off of his heart. This was it. Finally, he'd bested the demon, and he was free from the horrible bargain that he'd made so long ago, when he was but a young child. Now he could get on with his life without having to look over his shoulder allthe time-
And then the tongue lashed out and scooped the gifts right out from next to the television. There was a flash of wrapping that whizzed by Pit's face for a moment, then it all disappeared with a titanic crunching noise as Tahm Kench bit down with a sharp, almost physical finality.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" screamed the angel.
"Ah gave you till Christmas Morn' to guess my name," snarled the beast, once he had finished chewing. "But I never said nothing about leavin' yer alone if you got it right, and if your honestly though that was gonna happen, yer dumber than a catfish on dry mud! A payment is due, Peter Angelos, an' I will get what is-"
"HOLD IT!"
Pit's vision was suddenly full of black wings and warmth. When he looked again, Utsuho was standing in his way, arms spread in front of her defiantly. He couldn't see her face, but he could feel the intense heat radiating off from her, and could very well picture the barely-contained scowl of rage she would have had on her face. He also couldn't see Tahm Kench, for some reason, but his response showed an uncharacteristic confusion - he could picture the massive brow creasing and the eyes narrowing.
"What's this about?" the fish monster snarled.
"You want to get to Pit so bad?" snapped Utsuho. "Then take me!"
Pit's blood ran cold, and he nearly screamed out something in protest.
"Well..." said Tahm, after a moment's pause, "that's awful kind of ya. I do so like hot food-"
"On one condition. You give back everything you've taken from him. You do that, and I'm yours. Just leave Pit alone."
Instantly, Tahm Kench flung back his head and let out a roar of rage that shook the house. Pit clamped his hands over his ears to try and block it out, but the mere volume of it rattled his bones, and he nearly lost his balance and fell over as the air around him seemed to vibrate.
"WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!" screamed Tahm Kench, in an apoplexy of fury. "WHO TOLD YOU HOW TO DO THAT?!"
"I did my research," Pit thought he heard Utsuho shout, over the gnashing of teeth. But it was clear that the monster wasn't listening anymore - he was in such a fury that he no longer seemed to care what he was doing, or who was inthe room with him. Eyes nearly bursting out of his skull, the River King was alternating between snapping at the air with his crooked jaws as he ranted, and lashing about with a tongue that writhed and coiled like a serpent recieving drastic shock therapy. It was quite horrible to watch, yet Pit didn't feel an ounce of sympathy for Tahm.
"WAS IT AATROX?! BY THE BLACK BAYS OF BILGEWATER, WHEN I CATCH THAT SON OF A-!"
"Whoa, careful, you might bite your-"
There was a noise like a steak being cut in half.
"...tongue," Pit finished lamely, as the appendage flopped to the carpet, still spurting blood.
Tahm Kench stared at it.
Then he gave a noise between a cough and a growl, and all at once everything he'd eaten since turning up at the angel's house came pouring out of his cavernous throat. The decorations, the tree, the food, the gifts - all if it was there, and all of it was whole and untouched, as if it hadn't been ripped callously off the walls, or crunched up and swallowed a day ago. And, much to Pit's surprise, none of it smelt of stomach, or looked digested in any way.
But he had little time to ponder that phenomenon. The thumping of footsteps made him jerk his head up, just in time to see Tahm Kench, roaring and spitting red, barge his way out of the door and lumber down the path. Both Pit and Utsuho ran after him, and reached the door just in time to see him race down the street, still gargling and snarling with blood dribbling down his chin, before he turned a corner and vanished out of sight.
"AND DON'T COME BACK!" hollered Utsuho, waving her arm cannon threateningly. Pit couldn't resist a chuckle at that, knowing full well that his wife was holding back a good deal, for the safety of the people. Had he given her permission, she would have thrown an entire sun on top of Kench to stop him coming back, but the colatteral wouldn't have been worth it, as far as Pit was concerned. People wanted a white Christmas, he'd explained, not a charred one sprinkled with radiation.
Quickly, because it was cold, the two drew inside and shut the door.
Then they turned and wrapped each other up in an enormous hug.
"I'm so glad that worked," Utsuho whispered into Pit's ear.
"Me, too," replied Pit. He had been hoping that Utsuho wouldn't have to resort to that - offering herself in return for all the stolen things had seemed crazy, at first, and Pit had objected quite vehemently. But the old tomes had turned out to be correct in one regard; Tahm Kench simply couldn't stomach an unselfish deal that wasn't for one's profit. Desperate people looking for a cheap way out, or greedy people seeking to better themselves, he could handle. But a bargain made from the goodness of one's heart was literal poison to him, undoing all the terror and curses he'd spun over his victims.
And that meant Pit was free.
Once they'd let go of each other. Utsuho took the food and, after making sure it was clean, helped to set it up on the table, putting the excess aside for reheating at a later time. Pit, meanwhile, busied himself with putting the decorations and presents back in their proper places - they were all completely whole, so it wasn't as hard as it looked. Between the two of them, they soon got the house back into its proper state, looking as festive and untouched as it had been before.
Once dinner was done (and Utsuho had complimented him on his cooking), Pit was washing the dishes when he saw the tongue, which had been put on a plate to deal with later on the kitchen countertop. He looked at it, very keenly, as he finished up the last few plates, set them aside and dried his hands on the tea towel. An idea was forming in his mind, and he let it stew for a few moments, turning it over and ensuring it was thoroughly thought out.
Then he reached for the phone, and made a call.
...
"'Sup, Dirk. How goes it?
"...of course. Listen, I need to ask something of you. Food-related.
"No, no, hear me out. Listen... how do you prepare a giant demon catfish's tongue? Like, I'm thinking of maybe cubing it for a stew, or just boiling and roasting it...
"...lots and lots of salt. Got it. Thanks a bunch, bro."
~PITMAS: Frozen Creek~
A ZFRP Christmas Story
featuring:
PIT ANGELOS
UTSUHO ANGELOS
And introducing TAHM KENCH as HIMSELF
Featuring cameos by GLORIA ENCARTA and DIRK ANGELOS
MUSIC TRACK:
"You Make Me Feel So Young" - Frank Sinatra
"The River King" - Riot Games
"Sunken Crypt" - Alice: Madness Returns
"Valua City" - Skies of Arcadia
"Timber Owls" - Final Fantasy VIII
"Here Comes Trouble..." - Banjo-Tooie
"You're the Superstar!" - Mario Party 5
"It Feels Like Christmas" - The Muppet Christmas Carol
THANK YOU FOR READING!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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