Morons vs Wild 2: The Wildening

WARNING: The following post contains material that certain readers may find upsetting. Reader discretion is advised.

-------ASH'S WORLD-------

The whole thing started when Sam, walking through the forest near Oriam, was pounced upon by a giant spider.

"AAARGH SHIT FUCK BALLS," he screamed as the thing tackled him off his feet, winding all eight legs tightly around his body and pinning his arms against his sides. The swearing continued as he hit the ground, and went on as he jerked his head this way and that, barely dodging the sharp, slavering fangs that kept missing his face by mere millimetres. Sheer panic prevented him from remembering he could have just set himself on fire to escape this predicament, and thus he spent a good half a minute writhing and kicking in the dirt, the spider's weight keeping from rolling upright.

Of course, his salior talk served as the perfect beacon to anyone close by.

"HOLD ON, SAM!"

Sam didn't even see who was approaching until Erdrick had already been driven through the spider's body, the point poking him in the chest by accident. The beast shrieked, convulsed for a moment, and then went limp, the legs losing their grip around the Uberman's body as the life rapidly went out of it. The moment he felt that happening, Sam flexed his arms, pushing the limbs away from him, and threw the corpse of the creature off as he scrambled to his feet, letting off one last torrent of expletives as he went.

Then something grabbed his arm, and he screamed, picturing some worse animal-

"Sam, SAM."

That was Ash's voice. Even in the midst of a heart attack, Sam would know it anywhere.

"It's fine, we're here. It's deader than dead."

And there was Erdrick - his mother's voice, of course, which was still weird, but soothing enough for Sam to get a grip on himself. Whilst he babbled to a stop, gasping for air and clutching his chest, the other man knelt down and produced something akin to a small towel as he began cleaning the foul, pale ichor off of Erdrick's blade. It took some time for the former Destined Hero to get his breath back and put the past events in proper seqence, so he could find the right questions to ask about what just happened.

Thankfully, only one came to mind.

"...what was that?!" he nearly shrieked, pointing at the dead spider.

"That," said Ash, busily wiping, "was a Grasp. No prizes for guessing why they're named that."

"Don't fucking want one!" Sam cast wide, horrified eyes at the creature as he spoke - now that it wasn't in his personal space, he could get a better look at the thing. The legs were thick and powerful, more like human fingers in proportion than the spindly legs of an arachnid - knowing those things had been wrapped around him a mere moment ago made Sam shudder. Closer inspection showed that the body was studded with a number of irregular, jagged crystals, something that brought a little confusion to his mind.

Then again, he had been too busy trying to not get his face gnawed off to notice that detail.

"...and why," he asked, "is it accesorized?"

"Breathing," was the response. "The crystals help it to breathe. The better question is," he continued as he finished off Erdrick, voice like iron, "is why it's even here. They're only meant to be in the really dark portions of the world, hidden away like that King Kong movie."

"Must have escaped from somebody's private collection," groused Erdrick. "Some people just never learn..."

There was a long pause.

"...okay." Sam threw up his hands, his trademark reaction when he lost all sense of things. "You win, Ash."

"Hmm?" Ash didn't look up.

"Your world has the most fucked-up wildlife. No question, no debate."

"These aren't natural." Erdrick was clean now, and happier for it. "They're a nice little legacy from Amendal Redsin - one of Xaxargas' Elite."

"He was always breeding stuff like this," continued Ash as he sheathed the blade. "Like Doctor Moreau and Frankenstien, but backed by an evil god. He made Bonnacons, too, and Rawslyts - think a wasp crossed with a mosquito, and you have the general idea."

Sam didn't want the general idea, and said as much.

"Just be glad," said Erdrick, "that you don't have anything like the Grasps in your world. Chakravartin might have been a Class-A asshole, but he never deliberately engineered monsters to kill people."

"Come on." Ash indicated the corpse of the Grasp again, glaring hatefully at it. "We better get this reported to the authorities. Someone's going to get in a lot of trouble for this..."

But Sam, as he followed his friend back to the city of Oriam, had his doubts. After all, Ash hadn't seen everything in his world yet...

-------SAM'S WORLD, MUCH LATER-------

The whole thing started when Ash, having lunch at the edge of the river, saw a tree trunk turn into a dragon.

Well, 'dragon' was one way to describe it. A better phrase would have been "furry snake", since it had no actual limbs apart from the feathery wings holding it up. But its sudden appearance was startling enough, making him leap to his feet as it materialized and crawled forwards a little way, onto the grass close by where he'd been sitting. Its narrow head was fixed in his direction, golden eyes looking right at him with a strange, almost human intelligence akin to that shown by the Leowolves of his own home, and for a moment Ash wondered if it was on the same level as those animals.

"And what are you?" he mused, approaching it slowly. He wasn't sure if it was dangerous, but considering it hadn't fled from his presence...

It responded by lifting most of itself off the ground, and Ash was surprised to find just how tall the thing was: about eight feet, to be exact towering over him by a good way. Spreading its wings, it began to do the oddest thing - weaving and bobbing back and forth, vibrating the feathery appendages like castanets and making a low, melodic chrirping in the back of its throat. The movement was so inexplicable that Ash wasn't entirely sure to make of it. Was it a threat display? Had he intruded on its patch? Maybe he should back off...

Oh, hey, its feathers had turned purple. Neat. Now would be a good time to...

Wait, did they just go green? No, yellow, no...

And that was when it all went wrong, as the entire creature's body became a swirling maelstrom of colours and shapes, shifting back and forth like some insane kaliedescope. The constant changes and patterns, along with the chirping sounds the animal was making, rooted Ash to the spot, making his wary arms drop to his sides as he stood transfixed at the sight, unable to look away or move a muscle. Some part of him, in the back of his mind, screamed at him that this was a bad thing, that he should turn around and get out of there, but the rest of his body simply didn't want to comply because pretty coloooouuuurrrrssss...

Leaving Erdrick back at camp had probably been the worst desicion Ash had made. Because it meant he had no voice shouting in his head to snap him out of it, had nothing to peel him away from the chromatic display as he completely ignored the sight of the huge serpent slithering towards him. Completely vacant, with a dumb smile broadening his face, he couldn't even see the creature's jaws distent in four separate directions, a vast umbrella of teeth and drool that hovered too close to the crown of his head...

"ASH!"

He did, however, have a fireball that shot out of the foliage and rammed the monster backwards and away.

Not that he noticed.

"FUCK OFF!" roared Sam as he alighted on his feet. "AND DON'T COME BACK!"

Screeching and flailing, the serpent took a moment to put its entire skull back together, before righting itself, turning and leaping back up into the trees. The man formerly known as Nicodemus watched as it scrambled up the nearest trunk, becoming invisible as it blended into the mossy bark and escaped into the lower boughs of the forest above. Then he turned and ran back to his companion, who hadn't moved an inch from where he had been standing, and his face grew pale as he saw just how vacant Ash had become.

"Ash!" he howled, slapping at the other's face with both hands. "Ash, snap out of it! I don't want to do something I'll regret!"

Ash didn't respond, staring into space with the same goofy expression. Oh, Gods above, how far was he gone? Considering the beast had just been about to gorge itself before Sam had arrived, he was definitely taking a trip to La-La Land and enjoying the view far too much. Sam stopped slapping when he realized phsyical violence wouldn't work, and looked over to the nearby river. Perhaps some cold water to the face would wake him up - better than the alternative...

He knew he hadn't the strength to drag the taller man over to the river, so he ran over to the bank instead, scooping up a handful of the cold liquid before running back and dashing it in Ash's face. This didn't seem to work, so he ran back and tried it again, only with a larger handful to be on the safe side. The third time he tried, a large crocodile suddenly emerged near his hands, and he wisely scurried away from the accusing yellow eyes directed at him to avoid a premature loss of limbs. But this didn't change the fact that Ash was still in a dazed stupor, and all of Sam's sane options had run out on him quicker than a cheetah chasing a hot dog van.

That meant...

"...I'm gonna do something I'll regret." Sam sighed and repositioned his hands back on the Godslayer's face. He hoped that Chastity would forgive him, and that Christine would maybe let him write his last will and testament before she went for the carving knife.

And then he leaned in and kissed Ash.

There was an awful moment where it didn't work-

"Gurryyyhhyyyyerrrh?"

-and then Ash shoved him away and jumped back, eyes bugging out of his head as the sudden shock hammered into him. He'd snapped out of his trance, of course, but that did nothing for the fact that his heart was now trying to force its way out of his chest, so he spent some time gasping for breath and trying to figure out what had just happened. Sam, for his part, had sprawled onto his ass from the force of the shove, but that was the least of his problems, as demonstrated by his disgusted expression as he wiped his mouth with the back of one hand.

"Urgh," he muttered. "Someone's been eating onions."

"...what was that?" asked Ash, blinking owlishly.

"That," said Sam, standing up and patting his pockets, "was a Changewing. And if I hadn't come along, you'd have spent your last moments taking a stomach bath."

"...and why is my face wet?"

"Don't even bother asking." Sam had finally procured a packet of mints, and had shoved two of them into his mouth, whole. Ah, sweet relief. Any other day, he wouldn't have minded putting Ash out of a trance like that, but the other blond had chosen to the worst food beforehand, and that meant he probably wasn't going to do it again in the near future. Yeuch, not worth it at all.

There was a long pause.

"Well," said Ash, at last. "Guess Erdrick was wrong. You do have something as bad as the Grasps here."

"Nah, I'd say Grasps are worse." Sam had pocketed the mints again, still chewing. "Like, why can't there be nice, fluffy spiders that give you hugs, instead of murderous face-eating ones? That's just dickish."

"Ah, but with the Grasps," countered Ash, sitting down and grabbing another sandwhich, "you can at least see what's about to kill you. Changewings don't give you the chance, and you probably don't even notice the part where you get digested alive."

"Yeah, but..."

The conversation went on long after lunch.