Mine didn't start until last night, when I made the first mistake in a long line of mistakes - purchasing a replica sword from a booth at a games convention. I fully admit, it was a stupid desicion and I knew it at the time, but I make terrible purchasing desicions after a pint of Stowford Press, and a pewter mug or video game poster just didn't seem like appropriate souvenirs. The only major issue I had with the thing was that it didn't have any label describing the maker or what franchise it was based off, but it was small and fairly cheap, and the man running the booth seemed all too happy to get rid of it. And hey, it looked vaguely like the Master Sword, so there was that going for it.
This small victory was immediately crushed when I returned home and my mother flipped her lid at the sight of it. I'd spent years procrastinating on finding a job and wasting my university degree, so money was a touch and go subject, and as far as she was concerned the huge, impractical replica blade was close to the last straw. A lot of screamed words and accusations got thrown about, and threats to cut off the Internet or kick me out of the house got aimed my way, and we parted in a sour mood fuelled by mutual resentment and my own self-loathing. When we sat down at the television that night, we didn't banter or guess at plot points like we used to - our relationship had been severely strained by my frivolous purchase, and we both knew it.
I knew that in the morning the whole thing would have been smoothed over and life would probably proceed as normal, even if the atmosphere would be a little frosty at first. But as I placed the sword against the wall next to the games consoles and crawled into bed, I felt as though all of my internal organs had been transmuted into lumps of lead. As childish as this is going to seem, I honestly wished I was somewhere else instead of some backwater town in the arse end of England - somewhere more interesting, where I didn't have to put up with my parents or dodgy neighbours and the reek of 4am booze and vomit.
With all that considered, though, I slept like a log. Cider will do that to you.
-------
I was woken up next morning by a buzzing noise close to my ear.
I groaned - it had been a pretty hot Summer, so the explosion in the insect population was pretty much a given at this point. Despite my best efforts, things like craneflies, ladybugs and the occasional wasp would breach the flimsy defenses of my room's windows and make a scene until I could shift them or get them with the bug spray. But I was comfortable, and couldn't be bothered to drag myself out of bed just to deal with the one annoying insect. So I merely swatted at it with one hand, thinking nothing of it and merely wanting to lie in until I felt ready to face the world at large.
That was the second mistake. Because then the buzzing thing swooped down, landed on my shoulder and bit me on the ear.
"YEEEOOOW!" I shrieked, leaping about a foot into the air. Have you ever been bitten by a swarm of ants, or stung by nettles? Because this was like the two had fused together, Dragon Ball style, into some kind of super-sting whose sole purpose is to make your life an utter misery - a tingling, ice-cold spike of pain that radiates thorny roots into the rest of your skin just to drive the point home. It was the kind of bite, I figured as I clapped a free hand over my ear, that wasn't going to shift any time soon, and that made the whole experience worse.
But my agony became trivial when the thing alighted on my other shoulder and said:
"Ah've bin tryin' ta git yer bloody attenshun fer 'alf an hour, ye sod! Are all 'umans this bloody daft, or is ye a special case?"
Somehow, despite the pain in my neck, I managed to twist my head around to facew hat I had assumed was a talking insect. Except that instead of some miraculous discovery in the field of entomology, there was a very small, very naked woman standing there, with fiery red hair, deep green eyes and an expression like she was scolding a puppy for chewing the furniture. For someone about eight inches tall, she was built like a Roman gladiator - broad shoulders, thick limbs and muscles that looked like they could knead my blood right out of my own pasty body. That and the shiny, beetle-like wings folded up over her back should have been my first clue that this was not the thing that children's storybooks were written about.
But I was still half-asleep and still getting over the pain of the first bite. So I made my third mistake.
"Excuse me," I mumbled. "Are you a fairy?"
For reply, she leaned over and bit my other ear.
"Ah'm a bloody pixie, ye daft booger!" she snapped, once I'd stopped screaming and realized she was hovering just in front of my nose. "If I wuz a fairie, Ah'd be wearin' clothes, fer wun thing, an' doin' a lot warse tae ye reet noo! An' stop squallin', t'wern't nowt but a love bite!" The stranger's voice was surprisingly baritone, for such a small creature - despite being clearly a female voice, it sounded as though Barry White and that girl from Disney's Brave had some kind of horrific love-child.
"Give me one reason," I hissed, massaging my forever-ruined earlobes, "why I shouldn't just swat you into a pulp right now. Because even if I wasn't hallucinating this, I don't have any time for this shit right now."
"Ah'll give ye two," was the reply as the pixie - if that was what she was - folded her arms over her chest. "Wun- ye couldnae squish me if ye tried. Ah've got enuff strength in me body tae hoy yer sorry arse oot yonder winder, so a book or shoe wouldnae do shite tae me." Given the close-up of her muscles I was getting as she buzzed, humming-bird style, just a little too close for comfort, I was ready to believe her. I normally had no qualms about squashing bugs, but one look at those rippling abs and biceps left me ready to reconsider my options.
"Two," she added, pointing to the aformentioned window, "there's a knucker diggin' oop yer ma'am's garden."
It took all of two seconds for me to register that bit of information. Then, even more bewildered beyond belief, I leaped up out of bed and dashed to the window, peering past the glare of the morning sun and down into the garden below. Sure enough, there did seem to be something rooting about in the bushes at the foot of the lawn, kicking up dirt over the grass as it dug - something which, on first glance, could have been mistaken for next door's orange-and-white cat, with it's hunched back and front end hidden from view.
Except when I looked closer, it was clearly too big to be a cat.
-------
My fourth and stupidest mistake was thinking I could run downstairs, leap out of the double-doors that lead to the back garden and try to shoo the thing away.
Because the moment I got close, it whipped around to face me, and it dawned on me immediately just how woefully underequipped I was for this. The creature looked like somebody had taken a lizard and stretched it on a rack - all body, neck and tail, with equally-gangly limbs and sharp claws still covered with soil from the digging it had been doing. The eyes were too big for the horn-studded skull, rolling comically back-and-forth in their sockets, but the effect was ruined by the angry hissing noise that came from parted jaws, accompanied by glistening fangs and a stench like an upturned pig farm.
The knucker, if that was what it was called, was clearly not happy about being interrupted, and was also more than capable of killing me in various agonizing ways. And all I had on me was my dressing gown and two hands that were only good for either furious wanking or typing on a computer. For a brief moment, as the snake-like monster manouvered itself into position between me and the flowerbed, I wondered if this was some sort of horrible nightmare I hadn't properly woken up from, and if I should stop reading so much Tolkien before I went to bed.
But then the buzzing of the pixie's wings came cutting into my thoughts, and she shouted into my ear too loud for it to be a dream.
"Dinnae panic, laddie!" she yelled. "Joost mind oot when it lays it's ears back - that's when it spits venom at ye!"
"Spits what?" I said, my attention divided between her and the horrible thing.
Then I saw the creature's bat-like ears flatten back, and I leaped to one side just in time as the knucker lunged forward and coughed out a stream of something purple in my direction. The foul-smelling liquid missed me by a hair's breadth, but splattered over the paving stones, gravel and fence in great globs, and a sizzling sound like bacon on a frying pan ensued, accompanied by great clouds of fumes from where the substance had struck. I shuddered as my brain conjured images of dissolving flesh and liquifying bone, which I quickly pushed out because I wanted to eat breakfast, thank you very much.
"Git the sword, ya gutless fanny!" shrieked the pixie in tangible frustration. "Lop it's fackin' 'eed orf!"
"I can't!" I howled back, trying to put distance between me and the snarling knucker. "It's in my room!"
"Oh, fer fack's sake..."
The buzzing rapidly vanished, which meant the pixie had left me alone with the slavering snake-dragon thing. It wasn't a very comforting desicion, since the creature was still very cross at me and seemed to be inching forwards to get in range for another strike, which was precisely what I didn't want right now. Putting the clothesline between me and it would be a stupid idea - if it's venom was able to melt stone and wood like that, then what chance did a flimsy metal pole have? Precisely ten seconds of my life passed by where it really didn't seem as though I was going to walk away without some part of me missing.
Then something like a toothpick was hurridley pressed into my hand.
Everything happened fast after that.
For a moment, I caught a glimpse of the replica sword in the palm of my hand, before it suddenly grew back to it's usual size and weight, making me stumble with the sudden change. Reading my panicked flailing as an attack, the knucker lunged again, this time to bite - and a higher instinct kicked in that took control of my body and made me twirl aside, the teeth missing my thigh by milimetres. The head lashed around again, but met the blade coming the other way, and there wasn't anything I could do to stop what happened next with my arms acting on autopilot.
There was a crunch as bone disintergated like a biscuit liferaft, accompanied by a fountain of black, stinking blood.
And then it was over. I'd just killed a monstrous dragon in the back garden, with a magical size-changing sword, wearing my pyjamas and dressing gown, because a foul-mouthed naked pixie told me to. And nobody was there to congratulate me. No mayors or kings were offering me land, no princesses were kissing me on the cheek, no parties were being thrown with cake or pizza or booze. It was just as though I'd merely gone outside to mow the lawn or buy a paper for my grandmother, a mere footnote in the day's events, worth no more notice than an itchy nose.
Not a great start to the week.
As I stood there, heaving with terror and wondering how to wash the blood out of my clothes, the pixie alighted on my shoulder again. I could sense the satisfied grin on her face without having to look, and the vague impression that she was scoring my efforts on a scale of one to ten went through my mind. It occurred to me that I was probably not awake enough to make sound character judgements, but I still couldn't help the feeling that this tiny muscle-woman knew far more than she was letting on, and that made me uncomfortable. On top of terrified, confused and nauseated, I mean.
"Nut bad, laddie," she remarked, "Ah reck'n ye'll 'ave a knack fer this afore long!"
I blinked, resisiting the urge to vomit from the stench of knucker gore. Then I pocketed the sword - it shrank, of course - and headed down the garden path in the direction that, I knew, would ease my mind of these troubled events.
"Whoa, 'ang aboot!" cried the pixie woman. "Where'z ya gawn tae?"
"To the garage," I muttered thickly. "That's where I keep my cider."
"Ach, dinnae bovver wi' that! Thatcher's is piss in a bottle!"
I turned, ready to snap back at her for talking shit about by beloved tipple, only to find her suddenly carrying a very large jug of what looked like melted gold, which sloshed heavily as I came to a stop just short of the garden gate. The fact that she was carrying it without a hint of a struggle - in one hand, no less - made me wonder where the hell she'd been when I needed to move my old bookshelf out for the council to collect. Would have saved me a lot of bother.
"Naah, this," she cackled, "is a proper bevvy!"
-------
Three swigs of pixie rock cider (which is fucking delicious, by the way), and I was calm enough to let my new house guest explain things. Which she started off by suddenly growing to about my size - which was a bit of shock, but honestly? After killing a dragon, I was just about ready for anything between a charging rhino and a meteorite strike, so a naked woman sitting next to me with a glass of fairie booze was hardly anything to get worked up about.
Her name was Belinda. And yes, she was a pixie. They're kind of like the value-brand, low-budget cousin to fairies, and the relationship bewteen the races is like that between the rich and the poor in the average Charles Dickens novel. She'd run away from home because she couldn't stand the prejudice and oppression any longer, and had pretty much blundered into this part of the country by accident - which made sense, because if she was being smart about it she would have come somewhere more exciting than here. And that, apparently, was when she felt the thaumic signal from my sword and made a beeline straight for me.
-------
I was woken up next morning by a buzzing noise close to my ear.
I groaned - it had been a pretty hot Summer, so the explosion in the insect population was pretty much a given at this point. Despite my best efforts, things like craneflies, ladybugs and the occasional wasp would breach the flimsy defenses of my room's windows and make a scene until I could shift them or get them with the bug spray. But I was comfortable, and couldn't be bothered to drag myself out of bed just to deal with the one annoying insect. So I merely swatted at it with one hand, thinking nothing of it and merely wanting to lie in until I felt ready to face the world at large.
That was the second mistake. Because then the buzzing thing swooped down, landed on my shoulder and bit me on the ear.
"YEEEOOOW!" I shrieked, leaping about a foot into the air. Have you ever been bitten by a swarm of ants, or stung by nettles? Because this was like the two had fused together, Dragon Ball style, into some kind of super-sting whose sole purpose is to make your life an utter misery - a tingling, ice-cold spike of pain that radiates thorny roots into the rest of your skin just to drive the point home. It was the kind of bite, I figured as I clapped a free hand over my ear, that wasn't going to shift any time soon, and that made the whole experience worse.
But my agony became trivial when the thing alighted on my other shoulder and said:
"Ah've bin tryin' ta git yer bloody attenshun fer 'alf an hour, ye sod! Are all 'umans this bloody daft, or is ye a special case?"
Somehow, despite the pain in my neck, I managed to twist my head around to facew hat I had assumed was a talking insect. Except that instead of some miraculous discovery in the field of entomology, there was a very small, very naked woman standing there, with fiery red hair, deep green eyes and an expression like she was scolding a puppy for chewing the furniture. For someone about eight inches tall, she was built like a Roman gladiator - broad shoulders, thick limbs and muscles that looked like they could knead my blood right out of my own pasty body. That and the shiny, beetle-like wings folded up over her back should have been my first clue that this was not the thing that children's storybooks were written about.
But I was still half-asleep and still getting over the pain of the first bite. So I made my third mistake.
"Excuse me," I mumbled. "Are you a fairy?"
For reply, she leaned over and bit my other ear.
"Ah'm a bloody pixie, ye daft booger!" she snapped, once I'd stopped screaming and realized she was hovering just in front of my nose. "If I wuz a fairie, Ah'd be wearin' clothes, fer wun thing, an' doin' a lot warse tae ye reet noo! An' stop squallin', t'wern't nowt but a love bite!" The stranger's voice was surprisingly baritone, for such a small creature - despite being clearly a female voice, it sounded as though Barry White and that girl from Disney's Brave had some kind of horrific love-child.
"Give me one reason," I hissed, massaging my forever-ruined earlobes, "why I shouldn't just swat you into a pulp right now. Because even if I wasn't hallucinating this, I don't have any time for this shit right now."
"Ah'll give ye two," was the reply as the pixie - if that was what she was - folded her arms over her chest. "Wun- ye couldnae squish me if ye tried. Ah've got enuff strength in me body tae hoy yer sorry arse oot yonder winder, so a book or shoe wouldnae do shite tae me." Given the close-up of her muscles I was getting as she buzzed, humming-bird style, just a little too close for comfort, I was ready to believe her. I normally had no qualms about squashing bugs, but one look at those rippling abs and biceps left me ready to reconsider my options.
"Two," she added, pointing to the aformentioned window, "there's a knucker diggin' oop yer ma'am's garden."
It took all of two seconds for me to register that bit of information. Then, even more bewildered beyond belief, I leaped up out of bed and dashed to the window, peering past the glare of the morning sun and down into the garden below. Sure enough, there did seem to be something rooting about in the bushes at the foot of the lawn, kicking up dirt over the grass as it dug - something which, on first glance, could have been mistaken for next door's orange-and-white cat, with it's hunched back and front end hidden from view.
Except when I looked closer, it was clearly too big to be a cat.
-------
My fourth and stupidest mistake was thinking I could run downstairs, leap out of the double-doors that lead to the back garden and try to shoo the thing away.
Because the moment I got close, it whipped around to face me, and it dawned on me immediately just how woefully underequipped I was for this. The creature looked like somebody had taken a lizard and stretched it on a rack - all body, neck and tail, with equally-gangly limbs and sharp claws still covered with soil from the digging it had been doing. The eyes were too big for the horn-studded skull, rolling comically back-and-forth in their sockets, but the effect was ruined by the angry hissing noise that came from parted jaws, accompanied by glistening fangs and a stench like an upturned pig farm.
The knucker, if that was what it was called, was clearly not happy about being interrupted, and was also more than capable of killing me in various agonizing ways. And all I had on me was my dressing gown and two hands that were only good for either furious wanking or typing on a computer. For a brief moment, as the snake-like monster manouvered itself into position between me and the flowerbed, I wondered if this was some sort of horrible nightmare I hadn't properly woken up from, and if I should stop reading so much Tolkien before I went to bed.
But then the buzzing of the pixie's wings came cutting into my thoughts, and she shouted into my ear too loud for it to be a dream.
"Dinnae panic, laddie!" she yelled. "Joost mind oot when it lays it's ears back - that's when it spits venom at ye!"
"Spits what?" I said, my attention divided between her and the horrible thing.
Then I saw the creature's bat-like ears flatten back, and I leaped to one side just in time as the knucker lunged forward and coughed out a stream of something purple in my direction. The foul-smelling liquid missed me by a hair's breadth, but splattered over the paving stones, gravel and fence in great globs, and a sizzling sound like bacon on a frying pan ensued, accompanied by great clouds of fumes from where the substance had struck. I shuddered as my brain conjured images of dissolving flesh and liquifying bone, which I quickly pushed out because I wanted to eat breakfast, thank you very much.
"Git the sword, ya gutless fanny!" shrieked the pixie in tangible frustration. "Lop it's fackin' 'eed orf!"
"I can't!" I howled back, trying to put distance between me and the snarling knucker. "It's in my room!"
"Oh, fer fack's sake..."
The buzzing rapidly vanished, which meant the pixie had left me alone with the slavering snake-dragon thing. It wasn't a very comforting desicion, since the creature was still very cross at me and seemed to be inching forwards to get in range for another strike, which was precisely what I didn't want right now. Putting the clothesline between me and it would be a stupid idea - if it's venom was able to melt stone and wood like that, then what chance did a flimsy metal pole have? Precisely ten seconds of my life passed by where it really didn't seem as though I was going to walk away without some part of me missing.
Then something like a toothpick was hurridley pressed into my hand.
Everything happened fast after that.
For a moment, I caught a glimpse of the replica sword in the palm of my hand, before it suddenly grew back to it's usual size and weight, making me stumble with the sudden change. Reading my panicked flailing as an attack, the knucker lunged again, this time to bite - and a higher instinct kicked in that took control of my body and made me twirl aside, the teeth missing my thigh by milimetres. The head lashed around again, but met the blade coming the other way, and there wasn't anything I could do to stop what happened next with my arms acting on autopilot.
There was a crunch as bone disintergated like a biscuit liferaft, accompanied by a fountain of black, stinking blood.
And then it was over. I'd just killed a monstrous dragon in the back garden, with a magical size-changing sword, wearing my pyjamas and dressing gown, because a foul-mouthed naked pixie told me to. And nobody was there to congratulate me. No mayors or kings were offering me land, no princesses were kissing me on the cheek, no parties were being thrown with cake or pizza or booze. It was just as though I'd merely gone outside to mow the lawn or buy a paper for my grandmother, a mere footnote in the day's events, worth no more notice than an itchy nose.
Not a great start to the week.
As I stood there, heaving with terror and wondering how to wash the blood out of my clothes, the pixie alighted on my shoulder again. I could sense the satisfied grin on her face without having to look, and the vague impression that she was scoring my efforts on a scale of one to ten went through my mind. It occurred to me that I was probably not awake enough to make sound character judgements, but I still couldn't help the feeling that this tiny muscle-woman knew far more than she was letting on, and that made me uncomfortable. On top of terrified, confused and nauseated, I mean.
"Nut bad, laddie," she remarked, "Ah reck'n ye'll 'ave a knack fer this afore long!"
I blinked, resisiting the urge to vomit from the stench of knucker gore. Then I pocketed the sword - it shrank, of course - and headed down the garden path in the direction that, I knew, would ease my mind of these troubled events.
"Whoa, 'ang aboot!" cried the pixie woman. "Where'z ya gawn tae?"
"To the garage," I muttered thickly. "That's where I keep my cider."
"Ach, dinnae bovver wi' that! Thatcher's is piss in a bottle!"
I turned, ready to snap back at her for talking shit about by beloved tipple, only to find her suddenly carrying a very large jug of what looked like melted gold, which sloshed heavily as I came to a stop just short of the garden gate. The fact that she was carrying it without a hint of a struggle - in one hand, no less - made me wonder where the hell she'd been when I needed to move my old bookshelf out for the council to collect. Would have saved me a lot of bother.
"Naah, this," she cackled, "is a proper bevvy!"
-------
Three swigs of pixie rock cider (which is fucking delicious, by the way), and I was calm enough to let my new house guest explain things. Which she started off by suddenly growing to about my size - which was a bit of shock, but honestly? After killing a dragon, I was just about ready for anything between a charging rhino and a meteorite strike, so a naked woman sitting next to me with a glass of fairie booze was hardly anything to get worked up about.
Her name was Belinda. And yes, she was a pixie. They're kind of like the value-brand, low-budget cousin to fairies, and the relationship bewteen the races is like that between the rich and the poor in the average Charles Dickens novel. She'd run away from home because she couldn't stand the prejudice and oppression any longer, and had pretty much blundered into this part of the country by accident - which made sense, because if she was being smart about it she would have come somewhere more exciting than here. And that, apparently, was when she felt the thaumic signal from my sword and made a beeline straight for me.
"So the sword actually is magic," I groused, unsure as whom I should be blaming.
"Aye," nodded Belinda as she knocked back another swig. "Faecaliburs be dead rare, mind. Only a few o' em left, and nae many livin' wot could forge anuvver. Yer bloody blessed ta get yer mitts on one, Ah'll tell ye - we wudnae be 'aving this chat reet noo, ovverwise."
I blinked. The pieces were starting to come together in my mind - all of this had happened after I'd got the sword, it didn't look like anything I recognized from nerd culture, it could inexplicably change size...
"...the sword is letting me see you."
"Och, yer noo' as daft as ye look!" The pixie slapped me on the back - which was like being hit with a sledgehammer, and made me jerk forward and spill cider on the carpet. "Dinnae fash yersel' aboot that, it vanishes in aboot a minute."
Then she told me the rest of the story - and guess what? All that stuff about fairies and dragons and all the folklore of the British Isles? It's all real. Don't ask me to explain how, but basically they decided to hide themselves with magic years ago, and now regular people can't see fae - that's the collective noun for all magical beings, by the way - because they explicitly don't want to be seen. It's only when a normal person interacts with something made by fae hands, or gets blisteringly drunk or high, that they can see them; and most just blame the alcohol since, as far as the real world is concerned, fairies simply don't exist. Weird shit, I know.
"So wait," I interrupted. "If I went to Derby right now, would I see that giant ram standing over the city?"
"Naa, that's 'is great-great-great grandkid noo. 'Ee's a reet arse'ole when the footie's on."
"And Nottingham?"
"Robin dinnae taak many visitors noowadays. But aye, 'ee's there."
"Scotland?"
"Och, best not tae, laddie. Nessie gits aal cranky durin' July - matin' season fer kelpies."
"...and why are you Scottish?" I asked, the question only just occurring to me. "I thought pixies were from Cornwall."
Belinda shrugged. "Me great grandpa moved oop there durin' the war, when bloody Nazi's looked like they wuz gonna invade. Ah wuz born and grown in a brownie neighborhood, an Ah reck'n Ah joost picked oop t'local flavour. Mind ye," she added, grinning widely, "at least Ah'm no' born Irish! Bloody money-grubbin' leprechauns can kiss me arse, bunch o' swanky fannies!"
I sipped my cider again, and made my fifth mistake.
"So," I summarised, "I have just brought a magical sword made of fae metal, which lets me see all the folkloric beings of the British Isles, made the acquaintance of a pixie, killed a dragon-"
"Knucker, laddie."
"-knucker, right, and now I've just learned that fairies are real and living among us. And I know I'm not dreaming any of this, because I'm not anywhere near smart enough to make up this kind of shit. So, the big fat question hanging over all of this right now is... what do I do with all this? Because if it means I'm now the Chosen One or something and have to save the world from some terrible evil, I'm not doing that."
Belinda looked at me when I finished that statement, as if judging me for a job interview. And her eyes were like polished emeralds boring through my body - I got the uncomfortable feeling that she was reading me like an open book. It made me squirm a little in the sofa, and it didn't help that I wasn't sure where to look, torn between not wanting to be rude and not staring at the naked woman sitting right next to me. This was something the pixie had clearly had experience in, wheras I had none of that at all.
"Weel, noo" she replied, "ye divvent need tae do any o' that. But Ah cannae lie to ye, laddie, it's nae aal roses an' clover. Ye'll nivvor see things the same agin, on accoont o' knowin' that yer boss might joost be a dragon or elf, or yer neighbour's got a barghest fer a dog. There's a lotta dangerous beasties an' beings oot there, warse than knuckers, and quite a few pricks wot'll taak an interest in ye fer ownin' a Faecalibur and bein' able tae see us. Ye could verra weel git hort or warse, if ye divvent knaa wut yer doin', an' folks wot cannae see us will taak ye fer mad, mebbe even try an' lock ye oop if yer try an gab any o' this tae anywun."
That statement wasn't very comforting to anyone, let alone a twenty-three year old nerd who's world had made complete sense until now. Never mind the fact that I'd be considered insane if I divulged this information to any other human being (as if I would), there was the distinct possibility that my drunken impulse purchase could lead to me ending up in a dragon's stomach or getting my head cut off by mad elves. For a moment, I wondered once more if I really was dreaming and was going to wake up at some point.
Once again, fate dealt me a bum hand when Belinda threw an arm around me, and my shoulders whined in protest.
"Ye'll joost stick wi' me, aye? Yer a canny lad, nivvor mind wakin' oop in the morns, and a promisin' 'and with that blade - ye'll sharp larn 'ow tae git bey in the Faelands. We's an odd and scattered folk, nae lyin' aboot it, but us Fae be a bonny lot when we's noo layin' doon curses or makin' heedlines in shite tabloids! Ye'll 'ave a gran' old time with us - whey, give ye a month or three, ye could verra weel pass fer one o' us, if ye keep a mind on wut Ah tells ye!
"Now, 'old still," she finished, letting me go. "Ah gots tae put this in yer lug'ole."
"...I beg your pardon?" I asked.
For answer, Belinda reached into thin air and pulled out something that looked like a failed experiment to crossbreed earwigs and blenders. It shrieked and snapped its six pairs of mandibles at my face, wiggling its stubby legs as though it severely wanted to get back at me for insulting it a mere sentence ago, and yet the pixie held onto it as thought it was a harmless earthworm. It was the kind of scenario where I wished that, between the size-changing faeries and the magical swords and the poison spitting dragons, I could find a box of Chicken McNuggets to reassure myself that I was still on Planet Earth.
I couldn't tell you the name of that insect - it's Gaelic and requires a pint of phlegm in the throat to pronounce properly. But I can tell you that having it crawl into your ear so you can understand the fae language hurts like a goddamn bitch.
-------
Three months later, I had learned a lot of things.
I'd learned how to step between the world of humans and the Faelands just by thinking about it, and where the best places to do so are. I learned about fae currency and why it can't come into the human world, and that the leprechauns are in charge of the only fae bank in the whole world. I learned how to tell the different between an seal and a selkie, how to haggle with a cait sith for a pint of milk and some ham, where the best place to tickle a wyvern is and why you should never call Herne the Hunter a scrublord to his face. I lost a bunch of weight, won a wrestling match with some out-of-town pixies, killed an erkling preying on children in the New Forest and, as Belinda predicted, had a generally good time.
And yet, when the legendary giant Gogmagog called me a twat as he fished my hungover form out of the River Thames, I still felt completely clueless.
So, did you ever have a day like this?
Because I tell you straight - it can only get better afterwards.
No comments:
Post a Comment