Dirkmas Presents

Eeeeeey baesephine,

Hope X-Mas dinner with the family goes well! I had to think pretty hard about what to get you this year aside from games and shit, but I think I hit the nail on the head with this one. It's called the Painkiller, and it's a combined razor fan and grappling hook. Doesn't make much of a bang, but it's great for forecasting Bloody with a Chance of Limbs :P

Oh, and btw, some of those parcels are marked "PRIVATE!", like that. You'll be needing them for when I come over later, wink wink.

Keep dat arse phat 4 me~

Dirky <3

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Broseph and Okuu,

Eeeeeey how goes the X-Mas? When am I gonna be an uncle? :P

LMAO, in all seriousness, though, I got you both a sunbed. I know, your girlfriend is the sun already so you don't really need one, but hey, if you ever want to head to Kuwahawi next year, you might as well get ready to prepare for that tan! Dunno where you guys can put it tho, unless you unplugged the filter on the shark tank, but I don't think that's such a good idea. So here's hoping you find a decent place for it!

Keep on rockin, bro!

Big D.

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Dawn,

Okay, so I called you a bitch one time, and to be fair, you did kinda make a massive screwup. But you're still a Kobber and I guess I can still call you my friend even if you do mess up a little - nowhere near as bad as your mom does, so there's that. Anyway, I got a few connections with some blokes up high, so I managed to get a little something forged for you. I think you'll appreciate it, after all the nonsense you've been through, and it'll be a great help in letting you put your feet up.

...yeah, it's a new casual chassis. It'll take some getting used to, since it's Olympian construction, but it's better than constantly walking around in bodies designed for computing or battle. After what went on in Vegas last year, you deserve it.

Also tell your mum I said hi and good luck with the family.

Love,

Dirk

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Cauren,

I know we haven't spoken much, so I thought now might be as good a time as any to have a chat. And let me start of by saying a dozen kids?!?!?! Jesus Christ, are you running some kind of benefits scam? :P

But all joking aside, I know raising them all must be hell for both you and your wives, so I went and bought you this big robot triceratops. It responds to voice commands, learns over time with multiple use and your kids can even ride on it. And it's plush, too, so there's no sharp edges or corners to get hurt on! It probably beats them messing around with those weird cube animals that Carol knocked together, who knows what kind of disasters those things have caused?

Oh, and I also got a NERF Gun set for Lucky. I figure if she wants to be like the Kobbers, the best step is to start with pretend guns before moving to real ones.

Hope everything's alright with you and yours, and have a happy Christmas!

Love,

Dirk

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Vince,

You poor, sad bastard. Have a laptop, and watch some stupid videos to ease the pain your dumb customers and pushy store cause you. Fun fact - this was my old Cré laptop, but it kicked the bucket so I fitted a whole new hard drive and shit and sent it over to you. Consider it penance for not going into your store at any point, although tbh that might be a blessing in disguise.

Oh, and it has a few games on it too - Darkest Dungeon, Civ 6, Bit Trip Runner, all that stuff. Enjoy.

Don't let the bastards get you down!

Dirk Angelos

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Jaws,

Didn't I see you doing stunt work for that shitty SyFy film about a two-headed shark? Whatevs, you're a brilliant actor and it's a shame you have to get stuck with crap like that. I was gonna send you tooth whitener, but that's a stupid idea and also you're a friggin' shark, you don't need tooth whitener when you constantly grow new ones. So I thought I'd send you a fine selection of port, since movie stars seem to like stuff like that. Try not to drink all of it at once, I saw you at Drown Yer Mates and lol you hilarious when drunk.

Keep doing what you do best!

Best Wishes,

Dirk Angelos

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setpehn,

hahahaha you shacked up with thle lgorillaz guitarist you sly motherfucker

have a ccoholatve fountain because i htave like fucking ten dof thoose

i'm svery drnufk

drik

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Melody and Co.,

Don't really know you guys much, but I wanna spread a little Christmas spirit to you guys since I have so much money. So I threw some your way - a whole bunch of  £100 gift vouchers, to be exact. Don't spend it all in one place, and be sure you buy something nice! :)

Btw Melody, are you and Beck a thing yet? Hurry up, I wanna find some outlandish wedding present I can send to the both of you XP

Love,

Dirk :)

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Clash,

Hey, haven't seen you around much. Shame we didn't talk, but I guess you had problems of your own, so we never really met. I know you like swords, tho, cause Cauren told me, so I got my connections to make you a bigger version of this thing. It slices, it dices and it cools you down on hot summer days! Wouldn't reccomend using it in the kitchen tho, unless you like soggy food.

Dirk