So, um, you may remember our last fight, where a giant shark and a giant snake might have accidentally destroyed a dam and caused untold millions of deaths and dollars of flood damage. Thing is, because of that little incident, GaiaCorp hasn't really been doing that well in the press as of late. Phrases such as "irresponsible", "morally ambiguous" and "plastic-goggles-wearing tossers" have been thrown around a lot recently, especially by the Governor of Malibu, who now hates us with the same sort of loathing we usually reserve for people who overtake on the hard shoulder. As a result, we've kind of dropped in Hog Wild Fashionista's Morally Questionable Supercompany Popularity Poll, just below the Mishima Zaibatsu and just above Soylent Green.
Well, fuck those guys. They knew the risks when they allowed us to put two giant monsters in their state, they knew the non-disclosure agreement said we couldn't be held responsible for any damage incurred, and they still blame us for what happened? Pussies. Just because we trashed a stretch of coastline, doesn't mean we don't know how to put on a show without causing loss of innocent lives (ugh, makes me sick just to say that)! So that's why this next fight is stationed in a far-flung stretch of ruins and wasteland that nobody goes to, and therefore won't care about when it gets trashed! And this week's conflict between monsters is taking an unusual turn today - it's a match of pure, unbridled grit and gumpton against sneaky, underhanded backstabbing and douchebaggery!
Brace yourselves, viewers across the globe, for the earth-shaking event that our Marketing Division has decided to title THE RUMBLE IN THE RIVIERA!
IN THE BLUE CORNER...
You know what Mann Co. is, right? Of course you do! They practically own all of Australia right now, and as we speak they're making their way to buying out New Zeland! With an iron grip on everything to do with the Independant Republic of Australia, from politics to commerce to military to space programs, Saxton Hale's corporate powerhouse demanded a mascot that was as rough, tough and unforgiving as the country he represents. And thank God they came to us to make it, because we were running low on beer money. Ladies and Gentlemen, Ol' Fangs the GATOROID!
Ol' Fangs isn't just any old supersized alligator. He's the latest in a long line of carefully bred, hand-reared gators, picked for their size, strength, ferocity and willingness to eat nothing but raw chickens laced with steroids and growth hormones. Over the years, each succesive generation gave birth to increasingly larger and larger gators, some of them growing too big even for the pre-prepared biome we had constructed for them. And then came the day when a certain dappled little chick broke free from his egg, took one look at the bright world around him and immediately devoured his broodmates alive in a fit of red-eyed apoplexy. We knew, then, we had our Gatoroid.
Unlike our previous gators, Gatoroid is nowhere near the size of the Empire State Building. He's almost exactly the same length as previous contender Mega Shark, reaching around 16 metres (53 feet) at a guess. His main weapons include that powerful crushing jaw of his, not to mention his lashing tail and stomping feet that create a creature almost unnaproachable from most angles. While slow and cumbersome on land, Gatoroid is a master swimmer, and on top of that he boasts the tendency to suddenly fly into steroid-enhanced rages should anything so much as insult him. While an unpredictable ability, it's one that may prove the difference between life and death.
IN THE RED CORNER...
Anarchy reigns in the former Russian Federation. Bits and pieces of this once-proud country have broken away in attempts to impose their own ideals of democracy, bueareaucracy, Mormonism and more over the central government. Almost every state is locked in perpetual civil war, with countries appearing and dissapearing from the globe overnight. What the Central Russian Goverment needed was something to keep order in these troubled times - something to strike fear in the hearts of dissenters, to be told in half-formed legends by creaky grandmas to wide-eyed children.
So they asked us to make Okhotniki the ICE SPIDERS.
Fuck you, Russia. Fuck you for commissioning a terror weapon that thrives in cold climates and leaves no evidence of it's passing. Because we knew exactly what you wanted, and there was no fucking way we would touch that with a sterilized barge pole. We had to call in our sister company Greentech to handle the spider eggs, and even then they wouldn’t do it unless they got a share of the commission. Thank Christ we only lost as few personnel as we did when the things hatched, because it took fucking ages to round them up, tranquilize them, box them and ship them over to you, you sick bastards. We hope you’re happy, because it took ages to mop up the blood.
Okay, so the spiders don’t do well in warm conditions, and on their own they pose as much of a threat as a puppy on a sugar high. But these awful arachnids have a legspan of at least ten feet, and like nothing better than to sneak up trees, across snow, down chimneys and anywhere behind you before sinking their fangs into your neck. And if that’s not bad enough, they’ve been seen communicating via chirps and clicks, working together to drive prey into their webbing traps before swarming them. That’s right. We’ve bred a species of giant spider that hunts in packs. And all because the Russian government paid us to do it. Once again, fuck you, Russia.
THE ARENA
Understand, viewers, that we wouldn't have touched the fallout-devestated France with a ten-foot barge pole in most other circumstances. That thing is locked in a perpetual state of nuclear winter, where even the manliest of men fear to tread. But Russia gave us an ultimatum - accept $10 trillion to pay for the damages to Malibu, or get eaten by their giant spiders. And frankly, we'd take a ruined, ice-covered ghost city filled with nooks, crannies and glowing lake over giant spiders any day.
So yes, we let them blackmail us into choosing a battleground that would suit their competitor.
Seriously, fuck you, Russia.
So in the end, it's down to you, voters! Will it be the Roided-up Reptile with serious anger issues? or will it be the Awful Arachnids with their deadly venom and pack-hunting skills? We here at GaiaCorp are begging it won't be the fucking spiders, but until that time, all Mann Co. products are 45% off to all lucky voters, as are our patented Gaiacorp Spider-Proof Ponchos!
VOTE NOW!
In the grand archives of zoological pugilism, a swarm of small things tends to falter against one big thing. Whether it be lions, tapogres, or a shoal of Mega Piranha, one can never give a long lifespan to a large group of individually weak animals.
ReplyDeleteWith one exception.
There is a single combatant that won match after match thanks not to strength or smarts but sheer overwhelming numbers. They put down monsters many times their size, were only stopped by the tournament favorites, and were resurrected in the final hours of the tournament to receive the very esteemed honor of being responsible for the death of Zoofights' first godbeast.
Yes, I speak of the Radioactive Tarantulas With Jetpacks And Party Hats, and even though their arachnid brethren the Ice Spiders may lack quite THAT many of their number (not to mention no flight and a saddening absence of chapeaus) their vastly increased size, ability to spin webs, and high intelligence should make up the difference.
Normally a giant crocodile that occasionally flies into random fits of rage would be a match for most anything, but here his secret weapon is actually a hindrance. Rather than fighting a fellow brute (where his skills would prove more useful), here the unlucky Gatoroid is facing a technical team of backstabbers that will take advantage of his blind fits of anger to lure him into a trap. Down a pit, or into a giant group-spun web, or across rough and craggy territory with lots of hiding spots for the spiders - when Gatoroid regains control of his senses he'll find the battle has shifted to spider turf, and his large size will work against him as the little bastards dart in and out and eventually finish him off with a thousand bites.
I can't fathom why a company that gleefully hosted whatever the hell just happened at Malibu has any fear at all for a gaggle of spiders (I guess because this time it's THEM getting killed), but this is not the bugs' day to die. Gatoroid will surely squish quite a few, but when it's all over there will still be some #Ice Spiders crawling around France.
(Funnily enough, their aversion to warm weather means they wouldn't have lasted ten minutes in California against either Mega Shark or Mega Python.)
I disagree with Goops! In their movie, the Ice Spiders were more effective in ambush tactics angainst single, squishy human targets, who were often unaware of what was gonna happen to them. #Gatoroid, however, is not a single squishy target. He's a low-slung murder machine. His weak points are hard to exploit, his rage makes him hard to trap or pin down, and once the spiders lose the element of surprise, he'll kill so many that working to trap him again won't be feasible. The Ice Spiders are smart, but they're not geniuses. They're more like flimsy, foul wolves, and even wolves know when something is unassailable.
ReplyDelete#Ice Spiders. Will elaborate later, kinda in a hurry atm.
ReplyDeleteI know th spiders on on thier preferred terrain, but I have a horrible fear of arachnids and I like underdogs, so #Gatoroid it is! I mean shit, he's a giant gator! fifty three feet of snapping, stomping, tail-swinging terror concentrated in a body made mostly of teeth, armor and snaked with veins containing probably more steroids than blood at this point. He'll take a beating, but the spiders are about to go up against the beat master, DJ OG Gatoroid. Check it.
ReplyDeleteVOTING IS NOW CLOSED!
ReplyDeleteThat's right! After a whole month of spider-related hiatus (how did the fucking things get into the meat freezer?!), Monster Mash is back! Buy one piece of merchandise from our stalls, get another one free!