Monster Mash - Round 1 Fight 2: Mega Python vs. Mega Shark

Hello, sports fans, and welcome back to The Monster Mash 199X! I'm still Connor Hardy, and I'm reporting live from the sunny beaches of civil-war-wracked Malibu, where GaiaCorp and it's subsidaries are clearing the way for the next round of this clash of colossal creatures. And by "clearing the way", I mean "not telling anyone at all". So expect lots and lots of squished passers-by and demolished homes in...

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It's another scorching hot day on the shores of Malibu. And once again, despite the horrific civil war taking place in the centre of the county, a mere few hundred miles or so from this beach, the tourists still come in droves to sample some of that genuine Sun, Sea and Sand that has become the nation's beloved cash cow. The beach is swarming with people of many different races, genders and beliefs, their mere presence transforming the once ivory-white sands into a multicoloured patchwork blanket. Some sunbathe on gaudy towels, others paddle or splash or race each other in the tropical breakers in the spirit of holidaymakers looking for a good ol' time everywhere.

Nobody is aware of the impending destruction surging up from the depths towards them.

Or, indeed, to the monstrosity curled up in the trees behind them.

"Raja perkasa yang membersihkan tanah kami orang-orang berdosa dan kekerasan, menerima penawaran ilahi kami kepadamu!"

Raja the Mega Python is having the time of his life. It's a blisteringly hot day at over 97 degrees Farenheit, the sand beneath him is insultingly soft and a large team of altar boys dressed in purple are clambering all over his coils like an ant colony fashion disaster, scrubbing his scales and the bits in between with car sponges and holy water. It's like an all-over tongue bath without the expense or awkwardness. The supersized serpent's eyes stare vacantly into space, and his subway train of a body heaves gently with respiration - the God of the Indian Vatican is dozing, content with his lot in life and the comforts that come with it.

The scent of spices hit his nostrils, and the collosal constrictor swivels his eyes round to focus on the source - an entire elephant, spit roasted a golden-brown, is being pushed in front of him on a golden platter by a team of priests in ceremonial robes. The head priest in his funny ice cream cone hat chants in his native language as the meal comes within range, but Raja couldn't care less about him at the moment. As idly as one takes a mint from the counter of a restaurant whose nationality should be pretty obvious from the metaphor, the snake picks up the savoury treat in his jaws before throwing his head back, tossing the food to the back of his throat before swallowing it whole. The priests strike up a psalm in gratitude as, with a satisfied rumble, the Mega Python lowers his head back to the sand, intent on finishing his nap.

It isn't long, however, before his jaws pick up the vibrations of unfamiliar movement.

Glassy eyes swivelling round once again, the oversized ophidavian lifts his ponderous skull to focus on the scenery in front of him. His eyesight is far keener than that of his contemporary cousins, but the harsh glare of the sunlight means that, for a while, he has trouble making out exactly what's wrong with the sparkling sands and crystal waters ahead of him. But as his eyes adjust, he sees that the water is foaming in an odd way, and that the human tourists once lounging around are stampeding up the beach and away from the water, screaming in abject terror. Many trip over the sand and are trampled in the rush, and almost all abandon their towels, lunches and parasols in their haste to escape. It's a multicoloured tidal wave of panic.

Raja flicks out his tongue, trying to sense the force behind this panic. His priests have stopped chanting and are turned towards the beach, faces drawn. The altar boys are all frozen mid-scrub, and hunker down upon their deity's massive body, eyes wide with fear. For a moment, nothing rears it's head to confront the Ophidavian Ogilarch.

And then a massive fuck-off Megalodon bursts out of the water.

 

Tiburon the Mega Shark wheezes like a fat man trying to compete in the London Marathon as it flops onto the shallows, tail fin churning the depths behind it. It's not entirely sure why it woke up somewhere other than it's usual tank this morning, but it's nose told it there was a swarm of tasty morsels just a few miles from here, and what shark in their right mind disobeyed the call of food? And thus it had swam like a rocket-powered jetbike towards the shores of Malibu until, owing to the fact that sharks don't have brakes, it surged up onto the sands into the air, gulping down a small yacht as it went. Eyes of black satin roll in it's head as it tries to focus on the swarm of meat running away from it, and with a throaty growl the collosal carcharodon begins to shuffle up the sands after its lunch, pectoral fins heaving the bloated mass onto dry land.

Raja can see the massive shark hauling itself onto the sands, and does not approve of this at all. It was just starting to doze off on the lovely warm sands in the scorching sunshine, and there is no way it's going to let some overgrown sardine just waltz in and interrupt it's "saya waktu" as it's subjects call it. So enraged is the sacred serpent at having it's pampering session interupted that it doesn't even heed the screams of it's own retreating priests as they flee to the undergrowth from the supposed sea demon, instead issuing a screech of challenge as it rears up and slides out of the trees to confront it's foe. Altar boys tumble off it's coils onto the sand, onto the grass and onto each other as the furious Mega Python emerges into the sunlight of Malibu.

And so, Tiburon gets the shock of it's life when a 21-metre snake appears in front of it, jaws agape and hissing like someone just stepped onto a gas main's tail.

There's a considerable pause as the two competitors size each other up. The Mega Python sways back and forth like a drunken boxer insisting that no, he's still good to drive, shut your ugly face, all the while shifting its ponderous coils to gain more purchase on the terrain in the event things go badly wrong for it. The Mega Shark in response, lets out a rattling bellow as rotten air is forced from it's primitive, genetically enhanced lung, it's considerable bulk rocking in the sway as it beats its tail and arches its back in threat. It's the classical mexican standoff, except with a lot more dust clouds and churning ocean as the two amphibious beasts square off on the rapidly-depopulating shores, the tourists deciding that a giant shark and a giant snake is too much excitement for one day.

Then Raja suddenly jinxes to the side, instead of lunging straight forward as snakes are usually wont to do. Bewildered, Tiburon twists around, trying to get itself back into position so as to block any incoming strikes with it's massive, toothy jaw. But a shark on land doesn't have the best of turning circles, and the supersized shark leaves it's scaled hide open to attack - an opening which the Indian contender is quick to take advantage of. Darting forward, the supersized snake rams his head into the Megalodon's side, uncountable tonnes of flesh striking like a rocket-powered battering ram, and the aquatic abomination roars with pain and confusion as it rolls onto it's side, tail thrashing madly as it tries to right itself.

No dice. Almost instantaneously, a set of sharp, toothy jaws bite down on the Mega Shark's throat - nowhere enough to cut off  breathing, but enough to cut through the scaled flesh and grip on tight. Pain rachets through the fearsome fish's mind as blood spurts from the wound into the shallows, staining the waters red, and a grackled squawk escaped from the toothy maw. Ignoring the pained writhing, the Mega Python tightens it's grip on the shark's neck as it begins to shift it's body forwards, preparing to wind it's coils around the hapless Tiburon and crush the life from the already-floundering barrel body. The collosal constrictor supresses a chuckle of triumph - this would be over before-

PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN

Yeah, that's proof that when you have a body that's longer than most subway trains, you ought to remember to keep an eye on it. In a skill of flexibility that the average gymnast would murder our top GaiaCorp's scientists to have, the cruel carcharodon has just twisted around and sank it's teeth into Raja's body, serrated teeth slicing into the flesh like knives through butter. The oversized ophidavian's eyes widen in shock and pain as, for the first time in it's admittedly short yet extremely hedonistic life, it finds that it's dealing with an opponent that isn't just going to kneel down and let itself be killed like all the other sacrifices. Tiburon is going to fight back, something that up until now the snake has never dealt with before.

The Mega Shark knows it can't breathe very well with a mouthful of snake on dry land, but there's no way it's going to let go now it's managed to get a grip on it's foe. Likewise, the Mega Python is not going to relinquish it's stranglehold on the shark's throat while it has it. The two beasts struggle and writhe on the sand, seeking some opening where they can utilize their current position to gain an advantage over their opponent, but neither willing to unhinge their jaws for any reason. The result is a tangle of fins and coils that bowls across the landscape, crushing trees and the few unfortunate tourists who haven't yet abandoned the beach, leaving red smears across the sand.

A row of houses stands on the edge of the beach, perfect for those tourists who don't want to spend effort in walking or petrol in driving to their favourite patch of sand. Within seconds, however, the thrashing monsters have ploughes straight through the line of bleached-white, high-demand villas like a child kicking down his baby brother's sandcastle

The battle is raging inland...

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Meanwhile, the Malibu Mainland is having problems of it's own.

Yeah, some jackoff at Sector 7G thought it would be "a right larf" to let the Vietnamese entrants, Quỷ the Mega Piranha, out of their tank into the Malibu Creek. These things grow as big as your average great white shark, and are just as ruthless as them crazy Victorians said they were before we discovered that hey, some of their relatives eat fruit, isn't that just darling? And now they're ruining political relations by making snacks of the soldiers that patrol this Demilitarized Zone, leaping out of the water to snap up panicking guardsmen like meaty popcorn. Also, despite the ridiculous amount of gunfire being aimed at their way, the freakish fish just shrug the bullets off as though it's a stiff breeze playing through their fins.

I swear, when we find the guy who managed to get his mitts on the door codes, we're firing his ass so hard he won't be able to sit down without applying liberal amounts of soothing cream.

...Hey, what's that noise?

It's coming here awfully fa-

OH SHIT

In the blink of an eye, Raja and Tiburon tumble onto the scene, their titanic forms crushing the tree line and ploughing straight through the wire fence barricades set up by both factions of Malibu's goverment to protect the nature reserve from their little spat. The Mega Piranha don't stand a chance - they don't even have time to shriek before the massive bulks are on top of them, crushing their fishy bones and bursting their bodies like carnivorous balloons. As the combatants of today's fight send the soldiers scattering away from their scrap (try saying that ten times fast!), all that remains of Old Vietnam's entry into the Monster Mash are a shoal of flattened fishcakes.

Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the untimely demise of Quỷ. Those who placed bets on these plucky piscenes, please make your way to the betting booths for your refund.

...Anyway.

The shock of the cold water is a surprise to Raja, and the ruthless reptile is forced to let go of the shark's throat. Sensing that it now has the advantage, Tiburon also lets go of the serpent's coils, pivoting round upon one fin and lashing out with it's tail like a sober boxer going for the K.O. haymaker that will ensure another million dollars in the bank account. The snake is unprepared for the attack, and the tail catches it a terrific dinger across the chops, sending it careening into the shallows of the river in a spray of foam that washes up the banks.

When the water stops churning, the snake doesn't move.

As in, at all.

It just lies there, motionless.

Tiburon stares at the unmoving body for a while. Then it gives a croaking bellow of triumph. It's powerful senses that would normally allow it to detect the heartbeat and nerve signals of prey are dulled in open air, but from where it stands the Mega Shark is confident that it cannot sense any signs of life from the pile of scales and muscle lying half-in and half-out of the river like a discarded skipping rope that nobody wants. The pugilistic python is out for the count, and America's Defender of the Oceans is ready to finish the job. Snake meat is apparently very tasty, according to the president, and it's gills are starting to burn from spending so long out of the water. The shark is going to make this quick, and then head off downstream for home and rest.

With a growl, the mega-sized Megalodon shuffled foward on it's fins, ready to-

 

The ticked-off Titanoboa moves. One minute, it's lying in the Malibu Creek. The next, it's wound itself around Tiburon like an enrage hosepipe before the overblown fish can react. Startled, the supersized shark roars in pain and terror as the mighty coils tighten around it's barrel body, the Indian snake god not even registering the scraping of rough scales against it's underside as it gets to work. With a snarl, the Mega Python shifts it's body, and before the bewildered Tiburon knows what the deuce is going on, it's being rolled like a barrel across the stream bed until-

CRASH

Oh, yes, I forgot to mention? You know that Malibu Dam thing? Yeah, that got taken down because the fractured government couldn't make the income to upkeep it. In the end, they just kind of left it to gather dust, not doing much of anything. It's full of rot and mold and rust and other nasty things. Malibu Lake has turned stagnant from neglect. Both it and the damn mark the end of the Demilitarized Zone, where anything goes and you can get shot for a thousand different reasons. And our Monster Mash contestants have just ploughed straight through it.

South Malibu, meet several thousand gallons of water.

How tragic.

...

...yeah, that's all very well, but what about-?

Hissing in triumph, Raja the Mega Python uncoils from the bitten, bleeding and crushed form of Tiburon, letting the bloodied carcass sink to the sea to join it's comrade Dinoshark as hagfish chow. The sacred serpent may have spent most of it's admittedly short life being waited on hand and foot, but that doesn't mean it doesn't know how to fight. And fight is exactly what it has done - for all it's massive teeth and Mother-Nature-defying land-crawling, the Mega Shark was just too slow and too stupid compared to the far swifter giant constrictor. A sad day for marine life across the globe.

Exhausted but triumphant, the Indian Vatican's perverted take on Yaweh turns and swims back to shore, where a gaggle of priests and alter boys are nervously emerging from their hideaways.

 

WINNER: MEGA PYTHON!

 



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Talk about a titanic battle, eh, folks? That's one that the fine people of Malibu won't be forgetting in a hurry, and one that will cost them at least several trillion dollars to recover from! Fortunately, we here at GaiaCorp are nothing if not stinking rich - perhaps they might accept a few thou from us? Oops, hang on, that's their president on the line...

In the meantime, sports fans, collect your winnings and enjoy your discounts on Raja T-Shirts, plushies and dreidels! And keep an eye out for our next cataclysmic battle on THE MONSTER MASH!