So you people may or may not be familiar with Dr. Buffalo's concept drawings for
Godzilla: All Monsters Attack, a pitch for a Godzilla cartoon series combining elements from the Big G's various films in the comedic style of
Transformers Animated. Well, having enjoyed the unique and imaginative takes on the Toho monsters and their origins, I suddenly found myself asking a rather apt question. And the question ran as thus: "Why isn't there something like this for Gamera?"
See, I feel that Kadokawa's big flying turtle has kind of been neglected by pop culture as of late. His last film,
Gamera the Brave, was released way back in 2006, and since then absolutely nothing with his face on it has been put out in the last seven years, which is kind of sad in a way. Either Kadokawa plans to ressurect him around the same time as the new Godzilla film or is retiring him permenantly, I'm not sure, but what I feel Gamera needs right now is another revival to boost his popularity. And the best way to do that, I feel, would be with an animated cartoon series similar to the All Monsters Attack example mentioned above. So several sleepless nights to many later, I give you...
GAMERA
GUARDIAN OF EARTH
So here we go. Incidently, I couldn't be arsed to make any cool photoshop pictures for this thing, so feel free to use your imagination. Or make your own pictures, if it's that important to you :P
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PREMISE
"In a world ravaged by giant monsters of all shapes and sizes, only one thing stands between Earth and complete annihilation - the giant flying, fire-breathing turtle, Gamera! Well... two things, if you also include the Global Anti-Monster Initiative (G.A.M.I for short), formed by the United Nations as a means to control giant monster activity. Lead by the young prodigy Toru Aizawa, G.A.M.I travels the word as they lend both hand and oversized flipper to those in need, wherever they may be. With enemies like the ever-present Gyaos swarms, the mysterious Black Wing and even the galactic dictator Viras hot on their heels, and hidden mysteries rising up from Earth's shadowy past, can Gamera and his human allies stave off global destuction and keep mankind safe? Find out on Gamera: Guardian of Earth!"
In case that awesome blurb didn't make much clear, here's the proper explanation: In the modern era, the United Nations creates G.A.M.I, the Global Anti-Monster Initiative, in response to the increased threat of the Gyaos swarms around the planet. Unfortunately, the division is ill-equipped to their task of controlling and monitoring monster activity... that is, until Gamera arrives and kicks some serious tail. And with Gamera comes Toru, who his quickly regocnized for his part in Gamera's previous exploitsand is determined to share a psychic bond with the monster. Toru, once trying for years to keep this power a secret, soon finds himself as a member of the team alongside Ayana, a troubled young girl with a mysterious past, the disgruntled Colonel Watarase and Barugon, the hyperactive lizard monster.
In a sort of world-tour fashion, G.A.M.I travels the planet to try and solve monster-related crisises in various countries, usually the fault of either the Gyaos swarms or the aliens Viras and Guilon, but occasionally due to some other monster or greedy person. The humans will inevtiably get in over their heads, and Toru must call Gamera to help, who defeats the monster and helps the gang learn some sappy message or something. On certain occasions, the monster will be exceptionally strong, requiring either a specific weakness to be exploited or for Toru and Gamera to channel Mana to perform an over-the-top finishing move.
SETTING
Gamera: Guardian of Earth is set several years after the events of
Gamera the Brave, albeit with modifications to allow for elements borrowed from the Showa and Heisei eras. It is set in the same sort of modern-day alternate world that allows giant monsters to exist, grants the military science-fiction-esque weaponry and bestows psychic powers on young boys. Being a contemporary setting, usage of modern-day technology and items should be the norm for most of the characters, except where made-up gadgets would be more appropriate - Toru contacts the others via a smartphone, for example, whilst Ayana has various spy gadgets used for her espionage work. References to other popular/classic monster movies could be used for jokes.
The setting borrows many elements from both continuities of the
Gamera franchise. From the Showa era it takes many of the principle antagonists and a light-hearted tone - fights scenes are over-the-top and action-packed, jokes abound from both character and monster interaction, and occasional hints that the monsters are smarter than they let on are played mostly for laughs, such as Gamera wearing a scarf in cold weather for a brief shot. From the Heisei era comes the modern-day setting, an occasional darker tone, the concept of Mana, the origins of Gamera and Gyaos, one or two of the characters and Irys, the villain of the series finale.
FORMAT
The format for the show is most remeniscient of
Scooby-Doo: Mystery Incorporated with a small dash of
Dragon Ball Z. While each episode has it's own sub-plot, the whole series would be linked together by a single overarching plot, focusing on the fulfilment of a terrible prophecy and Gamera growing into his role as Guardian of Earth. In addition, many episodes would be linked together by a single, smaller plot relating to a villain or key plot element, known as a Saga. Many smaller side plots also exist, revolving around the relationships between characters and how they are affected by the events of the series - these will be detailed in the character bios below. Occasional filler episodes would devote themselves to more light-hearted subjects, such as when your giant turtle crashes your dad's high-school reunion.
PROTAGONISTS
Gamera
"The descendant of the original Gamera, who died fighting the Gyaos in 1973. This new Gamera is young and strong-willed, ready to protect humanity from the various threats that assail it from all directions, but his naivety and inexperience often let him down. His fighting style is unique to his race, complementing his powers of flight and plasma fireballs with self-taught martial arts inspired by Judo and other martial arts, and even limited control over Mana, the life-force of Earth itself. What other powers Gamera has are yet to manifest, but even on his own he stands as a barrier between mankind and the forces of evil."
Gamera is, of course, the hero - the show is named after him, after all. After his battle with Zedus in
Gamera the Brave, the turtle once known as Toto is now ready to take on some much bigger and badder villains, including the Gyaos that ravage the planet. He cares deeply about the welfare of humans, especially Toru, and if any person is injured are harmed then Gamera will show no mercy to the enemy. However, he tends to be somewhat single-minded, acting like a teenager when things don't go his way and often sulking. When not in battle, he shows a more curious side, peering into windows and watching Toru converse with other characters.
Gamera's design should be based on the look of Toto in
Gamera the Brave, but with leanings towards the earlier Heisei design of
Guardian of the Universe and
Attack of Legion - friendly-looking, but still a big monster and capable of kicking tail. Due to the fact that he's younger than the first Gamera, he takes the opportunity to inject a little more personality into his fighting moves akin to the Showa films - using pole-like structures as impromptu staffs, for example. In several episodes, he should display control over Mana in the same way as his ancestor did, but not to the same degree - using Mana should leave him exhausted and weak.
Toru Aizawa
"Toru Aizawa is the boy who originally discovered Gamera, and who supported him during his battle against Zedus. Several years later, his connection with Gamera has found him a place as a key member of G.A.M.I. His act of granting Gamera his full strength has allowed him to form an emotional and psychic bond with the monster, allowing him to lend strength to Gamera in times of desperation. Toru is an idealistic yet determined soul, always determined to do what is right regardless of consequences and always concerned with the welfare of others. Nevertheless, he also has a fun-loving and jokey side to his personality."
Toru was the human protagonist of Gamera the Brave, and continues to carry that torch in the show. A teenager or thereabouts by the time of the show, Toru is less idealistic and more fun-loving, yet should still be portrayed as a caring person, strong-willed and determined to do the right thing. Like Asagi Kusagani of the Heisei series, Toru shares a psychic link with Gamera, which not only lets them know where each other is but also helps Gamera to focus his Mana powers. He and Gamera act like brothers around each other - having a good laugh, teasing each other and occasionally butting heads (figuratively speaking) when their interests clash.
Toru's design needs to reflect his "everyman" persona, as the person the audience is most likely to project onto and sympathize with. At the same time, however, it must look very much like an older Toru from the film would look - elements such as is brown hair must be kept on board. Jeans and a fancy coat are a must in these sorts of cartoons, as are some colourful sneakers of no particular brand, but they musn't look too flashy or the look could end up very dated. Also, if anyone dares to depict him riding a skateboard or saying extremely out-of-touch 90's slang, I will personally castrate them with a spatula.
Ayana Hirasaka
"Not much is known about Ayana, the silent but deadly member of G.A.M.I. As far as she can remember, she was raised as a member of the UNM's Tactical Espionage Unit, or T.E.N, and has learned all of her stealth skills from her life growing up as an orphan there. Her memory is a shrouded blank, and she constantly frets about whatever secrets may lie buried away in her mind. As a result she can easily come off as distant or cold, but she secretly does care for the other emembers of the team, especially Toru. Trained in the art of stealth, Ayana is the ideal person to send in when you need to find something that isn't supposed to be found."
In
Gamera 3, Ayana was the emotional heart of the story - having lost her parents to Gamera's battle with Gyaos in
Guardian of the Universe, her misguided search for justice lead to the creation of Irys and the destruction of a major city. In
Guardian of Earth, Ayana should be portayed as a more sympathetic yet also more mysterious character - we don't know anything about her backstory, and the fact that she doesn't either makes her understandably cut up about it. Nevertheless, while she can come off as aloof, she should also be shown to be rather personal - she looks upon the G.A.M.I team like a family she never had, with Kenny as a brother, Watarase as the grumbling dad and Barugon as the family dog.
Ayana's design should be predominantly black and blue, no matter the occasion - from swimwear to casual wear. Her working outfit should be the standard one-piece spy suit thing that most spies in these cartoon series' wear - call me unimaginative if you will, but I can't think of anything more appropriate or original right now. Perhaps hints of a romantic relationship with Toru could be worked in? If that's the case, we could have Gamera poke fun at Toru whenever it gets brought up, like a big brother would tease his kid brother about his attraction to someone. As the show progresses, her memories are revealed - she is a descendant of the ancient civilization that created Gamera and spawned the evil Gyaos.
Colonel Watarase
"Watarase is the leader of G.A.M.I, a war veteran who serves as Toru's father figure and mentor. Having served in combat against giant monsters for many years, he is the ideal man to put in charge of the unit, even if his distrust for giant monsters does tend to cloud his better judgement. Watarase is a cynical man, wary of others and usually distrustful of new people and especially Gamera. However, he's a kind-hearted person deep down, trying to do his best for the team and usually following his gut instincts if he feels something his wrong. With direct links to the United Nations Militia, he has a large backpack full of liscenced equipment to support the team whenever they need it."
Colonel Watarase was the badass soldier in
Gamera 2 who took on a Legion Soldier and won. He was confident, knew what he was dealing with and took the neccesary measures to prepare himself for it. The Watarase in this show should be portrayed as an older version of the character - still the same confidence and preparation, but more cynical and suspicious of giant monsters as a whole. While he may serve as the leader of G.A.M.I, the focus should not wholly be on him, as he is not the central protagonist like Toru is, yet he should still have some character development, such as the incident that lead him to form G.A.M.I and become hateful of monsters.
As a military man, Watarase should dress in appropriate combat fatigues - desert camoflague for desert environments etc. Even when off-duty, his casual wear should have a bias of camo patterns or similar styles as a means of identifying the character. If the team ever gets into difficult situations, his backpack should be treated in a similar fashion to the Junior Woodchuck Guide from
DuckTales - it literally holds the piece of equipment required to proceed. Watarase should be the more serious foil to Barugon, as detailed below - the colonel should find himself chasing the lizard around whenever things start going wrong as a result of the monster's antics.
Barugon
"Barugon is odd. Even G.A.M.I thinks so. Hatched from an egg in a remote corner of Hawaii, this quirky little reptile is almost dog-like in his habits, quick to show his affection and constantly in the pursuit of food. But when the situation calls for it, Barugon's sensitive nose makes him an excellent tracker, whilst his long tongue, icy breath and rainbow ray make him a fierce combatant. He is a constant source of annoyance for Colonel Watarase, as he persists in eating his food, getting under his feet and slobbering everywhere, which Toru normally finds hilarious - except when it happens to him too!"
Every heroic team needs a comedy animal sidekick, and Barugon is just that. He constantly searches for food, he knocks things over and he has a penchant for jumping on people and licking their faces. But he should also have a more serious side to him as well - just because he's young, doesn't meen he's not smart, and he's as ready to help people in need as the rest of G.A.M.I is. Whenever an episode calls for perilous rescues, tracking scents or just straight-up Lassie ripoffs, then Barugon is your lizard, and he should also be shown to be a competent fighter and, despite his friendly quirks, still a monster. A monster who will
end you if you drop your guard for a moment.
Barugon has no recent design update, but since this is not an issue and he's supposed to look silly anyway, his Showa design will serve just fine. As a tooth-and-claw kaiju, Barugon fights in a fierce and animalistic manner, biting and ramming his foes and only employing his freeze breath and rainbow ray when things get too dicey at close range. He loves to play tricks on Colonel Watarase, like getting under his feet and eating his food when he's not looking, but he means no harm to the old man - he's as fond of him as he's fond of everyone else.
ANTAGONISTS
Gyaos
"Gyaos are like pigeons in that they're pretty much everywhere. Unlike pigeons, however, Gyaos are a menace - these voracious carnivores scour the planet, devouring all that they can catch and destroying what they can't eat. Swarms of these creature have been known to divebomb cities, slicing human structures apart with their sonic beams like knives through hot butter. Gyaos are a constant threat to humanity, and see Gamera the same way they saw his ancestor - a hated enemy to destroy and consume in the name of keeping their awful species alive."
The Gyaos are the main villains of the series, Gamera's sworn enemy in the same vein as their Heisei counterparts, and a such have the largest focus as villains. Despite being as numerous as the Putty Patrol from Power Rangers, they should still be portrayed as a geniune threat, leaving destruction wherever they go and looking generally hideous. That said, however, their gluttony can easily be played for laughs - portray a background Gyaos putting on a checker-patterned bib before a battle starts. They tend to travel in swarms, which could easily lend itself to some
Fist Of the North Star styled battles where Gamera takes on whole swarms of the things without breaking a sweat.
Gyaos come in three distinct types, perhaps evolving as the show goes on. Regular Gyaos are brownish in colour and are pretty much fireball fodder for Gamera. These eventually evolve into the Super Gyaos, which are reddish and have overcome their aversion to sunlight by growing a special second eyelid. Blue-coloured Hyper Gyaos have developed the ability to douse fires with a special mist, and appear later in the series as "commanders" of the swarms. When Gyaos fight, they utilize their numbers and speed to swarm enemies, firing sonic rays everywhere like a deadly rave.
Shinya Kurata
"A former agent of the United Nations, Shinya was expelled for his radical, war-like beliefs and refusal to follow orders. Like Ayana, Shinya's past is a mystery - he has grown up an orphan all his life, dedicated to the military and to the secret martial arts he has practiced since his youth. Shinya, however, does not share the warmth and humantiy Ayana posseses - a cold, calculating and mysterious figure, Shinya has become the head of a mysterious cult, the Black Wing, that is convinced the Gyaos are agents of their god, sent to purge the planet of life and start anew. His contempt for those who do not follow his ways radiates like heat, and he is not afraid to dispose of anyone who stands in his way."
Shinya could be said to be the secondary antagonist of the series alongside the Gyaos, as the human element of G.A.M.I needs to have something to fight as much as Gamera needs to fight giant monsters. An immediate comparison to Shredder comes to mind - Shinya is honourable and wouldn't kick someone while they're down, but he has little patience for anyone who doesn't think the same way as he does, and won't tolerate anyone who says his viewpoint is flawed. In that respect, he should provoke the same irrational hatred in the viewer as N from Pokemon Black and White did. He reacts to everything with either cold dispassion, smug superiority or seething annoyance, rarely getting over-the-top angry like Viras would do.
The design of Shinya and the Black Wing needs to refer to the mystical side of their beliefs and look impressive without being impractical - flowing headbands, priestly robes and golden edging would do the trick. The footsoldiers of the Black Wing would be like the Foot soldiers from the Ninja Turtles - cannon fodder for the heroes to beat up - but Shinya should provide an actual challenge. His fighting style would consist of grand, sweeping moves and lots of concealed weapons, like Shen from
Kung Fu Panda 2, and he could wield dual swords as his main weapons of choice.
Viras
"If Viras were a 1920's film villain, he's be twirling his dastardly mustache at every opportunity. Hailing from a far-flung aquatic planet, this member of a war-like alien race is obsessed with conquering the planet and enslaving humankind for his own gain. While he boasts an IQ of 2'500, as well as an arsenal of deadly alien weaponry, Viras's giagantic ego almost always blinds him to faults in his plans, meaning that he will almost always get trounced. Despite these setbacks, the ever-persistant alien will never cease his conquest no matter what sort of setbacks assail him - for the glory of his race, Earth will be his before long!"
Viras is a reoccuring villain, although not as frequent as the Gyaos are. He should be portrayed as the typical Doctor Doom-esque mastermind, complete with evil laughter and diabolical speeches. Everything he does is over-the-top and arrogant, cackling madly when things go his way and screeching with rage when they don't, which is almost all the time. Unlike the other monsters, who just roar, Viras has to communicate to his subordinates through telepathy - he wouldn't be as intimidating otherwise. Perhaps Jeremy Irons could voice him?
Viras's look should be taken from his Trendmasters figure, as it is the most up-to-date version of the character. Viras doesn't battle often, as he is more suited to commanding behind the scenes and barking orders, but when he does he uses his tentacles as whips to keep opponents far away from him. While he should be of greater intelligence than Gamera, he shouldn't be so equal in strength - in a straight-up, no-holds-barred fight, Gamera could potentially overpower him, and he knows this well enough to avoid direct conflict.
Guilon
"Viras wanted the ultimate enforcer, a weapon that could bring terror to the planet Earth. What he ended up with, much to his eternal chagrin, was Guilon. This biomechanical beast may be armed with a giant head knife and shuriken launchers, among other weapons, but his great strength is marred by his crippling stupidity. There's barely enough brain power in there to formulate Kool-Aid, and as a result Guilon will fall for any trick you care to pull on him, a fact that causes Viras no end of embarrassment. Lacking the brainpower to form his own opinion, Guilon obeys his alien master in his brutal conquest without question, making him a terrible foe indeed."
Guilon is your typical dumb muscle villain - mostly brawn and no brain. It should be fairly easy to make jokes about him, considering how goofy he looks and that he's thick as two short planks. His trademark laugh from the film should come back, emphasizing the joy he takes in causing wanton destruction. Every now and again, you'd get the sense that Guilon doesn't particularly like working for Viras - perhaps there could be an episode where he finally snaps and rebels, only to find out he doesn't do well without someone giving him orders?
Guilon's look should be taken from his Trendmasters figure, as it is the most up-to-date version of the character. When Guilon fights, he leaps about like a dervish, trying to slice things up with his head blade and inadvertantly setting himself up for some slapstick humor, like getting his blade stuck in the ground or Gamera using him as an impromptu ginsu knife. Like Grounder from
Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, his shuriken launchers could perhaps be replaced with some fancy gadget that inevitably and hilariously backfires in his face.
Jiger
"Everything that's wrong with the world is embodied in Jiger. A demon in monster form, Jiger's one wish is to see the entire planet reduced to a burning wasteland beneath her feet and all of humanity turned to blackened skeletons. Her bewildering array of abilities - flight, plasma ray and parasitic spawn - make her one of Gamera's most terrifying foes, and her searing hatred for all life makes her the enemy of everything in the solar system, for she has no concept of friendship and sees everything as an enemy or obstacle. Jiger's only weakness is to high-frequency sounds, which cause her immense pain if she comes within range of them."
In the films, Jiger probably came the closest to killing off Gamera (aside from Guilon), and thus she should be played mostly straight. Her brand of evil is mindless, unstoppable rage that drives her to flattening everything she can reach, complete with bulging foreheard veins and burning eyes. Everything Jiger does operates on a spectrum of hate - either she doesn't care about something or she outright despises it, and humans fall quite easily into the latter category. As with the film, Jiger is awakened when the whistling stone keeping her imprisoned is moved by idiot business peoples.
Jiger's look should be taken from her Trendmasters figure, albiet with some changes to hint at her demonic nature (glowy magma pattern?). In battle, Jiger tanks hits with her thick hide as she takes a hit-and-run approach, striking repeatedly with rays and dashing headbutts to wear opponents down before moving in for the kill. If when Gamera ends up infected with Jiger's parasitic spawn, a reference to the movie could perhaps be made ("What do you want me to do, take a submarine into his bloodstream and shoot the thing?!")
Zigra
"Some aliens are good, and some are bad. Zigra swaps between the two when it's the most profitable. Hailing from the same planet as Viras, this shark-like entity is feared throughout the galaxy as the cruelest bounty hunter for hire there is. Able to change size and form via illegaly-modified military equipment from his homeworld, Zigra is home both in the water and on land, and delights in stalking his foes and holding them still with his paralyzing ray before moving in for the kill. Provided the pay is high enough, Zigra will do just about anything you ask him - except washing the dishes. Don't ever ask him to do that."
The last of Gamera's villains before the end of the Showa era, it would be remiss of me to not include Zigra, another in a long list of extraterrestial foes. Everything Zigra does should channel Wolverine by way of Sweeny Todd - he's creepy, untrustworthy and amoral, only in it for the money and possibly the women too. His motivations flit back and forth whenever he smells a bigger deal on the horizon, and backstabbing his former allies should be second-nature to him. Zigra can be portrayed either in a comedic or serious light depending on the situation - his ruthlessness and cold heart are sticking points, as is his love of money and large guns.
Zigra should adopt a more humanoid form in most cases, with design elements remeniscient of his original form. When he morphs into his giant, shark-like form, his design should again be taken from the look of his Trendmasters figure. In battle, Zigra should fight dirty, employing a lot of underhanded tactics in order to gain an advantage over an opponent so he can use his paralyzing ray and cutting fins on them. He should only speak in human form, reverting to his trademark roar upon transforming - either Steven Blum or Jim Cummings could suit him as far as voicework goes.
Garasharp
"Thousands of years ago, an ancient civilization created the ultimate weapon to fend of the threat of the Gyaos - a gigantic serpent known as Garasharp, guided by instinct to protect the planet's ecosystems. Their mistaken belief that they could control so powerful a creature, however, lead to their downfall - the repulsive reptile turned on it's masters and sank their city below the sea for creating the Gyaos in the first place. Now, in the present day, a mysterious call weakens Garasharp from it's slumber, and few will stand before it's poisonous breath and sonic rattle as it seeks vengeance on humanity for desecrating the planet."
Garasharp was intended to be to Gamera what King Ghidorah was to Godzilla - a ruthless, deadly opponent capable of bringing the Guadian of the Universe to his knees. To my mind, however, Garasharp could work as a sort of Anti-Gamera - created for a similar purpose as Gamera was, but operating on a far different moral compass to the big turtle. Garasharp cares only for the planet, and cannot grasp that humans and giant monsters are just as much a part of the circle of life as endangered tigers or whales - this puts him in direct conflict with Gamera, who cares very much for humans indeed.
Garasharp is a towering foe, using his superior height and weight in battle to overwhelm foes. He hasn't got any limbs to do any cool stunts or moves with, but the fact that he's so much larger than most of the other monsters should make up for it, shrugging off attacks like flies cralling on his body. The effects of his power should be shown in minute detail - entire cities get quarantined due to his poison breath and his sonic rattle shatters windows and causes pain in everything that hears it. His design should be a slight update of his sole appearance in the failed
Gamera vs. Garasharp, adding more teeth and spikes to make him a bit more fearsome.
Irys
"There is a name that is whispered with dread all across the world - Irys. It's a name that is synonymous with death, with times of darkness and hardship and with the fall of entire empires. But who or what is Irys, the creature foretold in prophecy to instill a new reign of terror to Earth? Is it a demon, an alien, an ancient spirit or something more? And what is it's relationship to the Gyaos swarms? It's origin and true purpose are shrouded in mystery, hidden behind a veil of superstition and legend, and wherever it even exists is still a point for debate. And should it choose to rear it's head, it may prove to be too much even for Gamera to face..."
Irys is perhaps Gamera's ultimate foe. Many have come close to defeating Gamera for good, Jiger among them, but only Irys has been built up to be a truly worthy opponent - slaughtering dozens of people before even facing him. To my mind, it is Irys and not Garasharp who is the King Ghidorah to Gamera's Godzilla, and in
Guardian of Earth he should carry a similar reputation - a god of death who's name becomes the central plot arc of the series and is gradually built up as an omnipotent, terrifying force that rears it's head come the series finale. On top of that, his hinted link to the Gyaos would provide opportunities for a hell of a climatic final battle, and could be expanded upon by making him a Proto-Gyaos of sorts..
No, Irys does not need a new design, what are you talking about? Just make him several degrees in the direction of giagantic and we're golden. Everything Irys does should exclude power without looking like he's exerting himself, and only his eyes narrowing or widening betray any emotion on his part. He retains the energy siphoning and tentacle lasers of his Heisei counterpart, but also just so happens to be enormous and control the Gyaos swarms via mind control. Imagine a final battle with Irys rising out of a mountainside, the sky black with Gyaos, the sort of thing where even Viras and Zigra have to set aside their grudges and help out.
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So there you go. Comments, suggestions and criticism are all welcome, as are large bottles of cider with which to wash away the torturous memories of writing this thing.
