Monster Mash: Round 1 Fight 5 Votes

Sports fans worldwide, The Monster Mash 199X is back!

So after what happened with Mothman back in Costa Rica, we had to do quite a bit of cleaning up. And by "cleaning up", we mean "stop Princess Juarez from drowning all of Mexico in her temper tantrum tears". And the amount of money that cost would have made Bill Gates have a heart attack, the smelly glasses-wearing jocklecock. Between ice cream, toys and trips to Disneyland (which, buy the way, is an actual country now), GaiaCorp lost somewhere within the region of $300'000. Our market shares are plummeting like a brick in a dry well and all of our execuitves are screaming at us to make some money you idiots or else we could be going the way of Bosconovitch Labs - brought out by a power-hungry military corporation run by a black-haired emo teen with an Oedipus Complex.

So yeah, we gotta make some money fast. And the best way to do that, according to our marketing division, was advertising space. So on top of fixing our schedule of giant mutant creature fights Drink PEP Soda we've had to kind of let some big name companies plug their dumb products on our channels and website Eat at McMecho's. Which feels kind of cruel and insincere, seeing as we're hosting our next fight in one of the most war-torn and poverty-stricken countries in the world Sintendo 75' Deluxe Edition 18/02/200X, but we gotta play the card's we're dealt. So if you don't Drink Mountain Dew - I mean, like all the product placement we've got now, then feel free to kiss my Dirktionary 2.0 This May.

But now it's time to get back to what MM is all about. Tonight is the fight we promised to bring you before that fucking Mothman ruined everything, the tussle between genetic monstrosities forged in the science-addled hearts of two great countries! Ladies and Gentlement, Sponsored by Croak, it's the SHOWDOWN IN THE SERENGETTI!

IN THE BLUE CORNER...

It's not just America who's getting in on the whole "United States" thing. Recently, Africa formed it's very first People's Congress, trying to install the same rules of democracy their overseas neighbours had going on before the First Contact thing. Of course, that only works when you don't have rebel dissidents trying to blow up your military bases on top of all the AIDS and poverty. And while GaiaCorp could have sent some monetary aid, we thought it would be much more productive (and hilarious) to help them breed a near-indestructable reptile enforcer instead. So without further delay, meet Jeuri the DINOCROC!

See, Africa's Congress wanted a dinosaur. Who doesn’t? Dinosaurs are awesome. Unfortunately, the only dinosaur skeleton they could manage to get their hands on was a Suchomimus, which are kind of wimpy by dinosaur standards. Moreover, the eons of decay since the time this thing was alive meant that the DNA structure that could be extracted from the bones had more holes in it than a swiss cheese. To compensate, the genetics team tried to improvise using crocodile DNA, educated (wild) guesses and several bottles of Jack Daniels. Because hey, Suchomimus was kind of like a crocodile! Surely the thing they hatched after several months of incubation would be similar to the real deal, right?

…God damn it.

Dinocroc measures up to 40 feet long, weighs up to ten tonnes, and is comfortable on both land and in water. It’s got at least seventy teeth in its mouth, each one designed for tearing and gripping flesh just like a real crocodile. When this thing hunts, it either uses surprise lunges from cover or water, or goes all out in a roaring, biting frenzy. A patient creature, Dinocroc can wait for hours for prey to come along, and it’s thick hide allows it to withstand even small-arms fire. However, being a reptile, it doesn’t do very well in cold environments, and it’s underbelly doesn’t have the same protection it’s back does. Nevertheless, it’s a ruthless predator through and through.

IN THE RED CORNER...

Communist Spain is big on two things - Captial Punishment and genetic science. With one hand they condemn serial rapists and murders to the electric chair, and with the other they make their sea algae farmers ride giant intelligent water snakes. It was almost inevitable that, sooner or later, the two fields would cross and produce some horrific monstrosity that lives in constant existiential terror even as it idly drinks the blood of it's victims. With that said, however, we at GaiaCorp didn't think anyone was really prepared for Zancudo the MANSQUITO.

Samuel Escardo was supposed to inherit his father's crime family once he hit 23 years of age, not end up on Death Row for a drug bust gone wrong. Fortunately, according to the propaganda material sent to our PR division by their ambassador, the merciful(?) government decided to use him as a guine pig instead. The plan was to inject him with an experimental radioactive serum designed to cure a deadly strain of Malaria known as the Gilligan virus. But of course, like every bad Sci-Fi movie ever, it wrent horribly wrong and a lot of people died before the result could be tazered unconcious and bundled into a cage. Nice job, Spain.

So Mansquito, as we're forced to call it, stands somewhere in the region of nine feet tall. But don't let his flimsy appearance fool you - this guy can punch holes in solid tungsten with his claws, and that's only when he's not trying to eat you. When he is, however, he makes a special point of stabbing you in the throat with his proboscis, just so he can look you in the eye when he's drinking your blood and tell you what a bitch you are. We're not exactly sure if this horrific hybrid is entirely all there in the head - I mean, it did devour the head scientist and throw his financial advisor into a Hadron Collider. But still, it's not like that's stopped Spain from doing science before, right?

THE ARENA
The Serengetti used to be David Attengborough's holiday home. full of wonderful wildlife and stunning landscapes. But then the War of Unification happened, and now it's mostly bombed-out wasteland and little else. So long, elephants and lions and zebras, you've been replaced with forty-foot-long alligators, mean-eating trees and giant snakes instead. But hey, if the wildlife doesn't try to eat one of our competitors, then the broiling sun might slow one of them down long enough to be finished off!

So, sports fans, who will triumph? The resurrected reptile with dagger teeth and armoured hide? Or the hybrid horror with a thirst for blood and serious daddy issues? Your votes count, ladies and gentlemen, and while you're about it make sure to pick up the new Limited Edition Golden Tickets to Tridenland - three people for the price of one, including stays at Ultima Hotel and visits to the Water Park! Seriously, buy them, we need the ad revenue.

VOTE NOW!