Panty's Christmas Carol - Future (18+)

Something was wrong with Daten City.

It had always been a dirty city, in both senses of the word. Despite being an up-and-coming metropolis, it was usually seen as more of a Chicago than a New York or San Fransisco, with even the most up-market and hoity-toity districts full of dark corners, dodgy secrets and seedy doings. Not to mention the general layer of trash, bubblegum, pigeon shit and dark soot from all the car exhausts. It was almost as if the entire city had an oily sheen to it that the glitz and glamour only accentuated.

This... was a different kind of dirty.

Panty's heels crunched through the snow as she walked through Daten Central Park. Or, rather, what had been Daten Central Park. 

But as she looked around, she could see that it had it had... changed.

The once neurotically well-kept gardens and hedges were a tangle of weeds, briars and things the angel couldn't identify at a glance. The trees were sagging under the weight of unpruned boughs and what grass poked through the white blanket was almost up to her knees. The buildings on either side where showing extreme aging - stone was cracked, crumbling and covered in moss, steel was rusting and bending and glass was broken into snow-like shards. Many of the street lamps weren't on, and aside from the silvery sheen from a full moon the place was in almost total blackness.

Everything was deathly still. The only sound, aside from Panty's footsteps and her shallow breaths, was a faint wind that whipped at her hair. Where was everyone... or everything? No cars on the streets, no people, all the doors were locked... There wasn't even a single light on in any of the windows. No signs of life to be seen, not even the singing of birds or barking of foxes.

What had happened? Had some ghost, or perhaps a demon, come through the city and-

The streetlights flickered.

Panty knew what that meant by now, and braced herself. She wanted to be ready this time. No goddamn Ghost of Christmas Fuckery was going to catch her by surprise and-

A sound like the rusting hinges of an iron gate.

Panty's Christmas Carol - Present (18+)

Panty had taken her time with her dress. It was one of her old favourites that she'd kept around for a movie premeire, and she hadn't hesitated in picking it out. Time had been kind to it - the magenta fabric, dashed with cream like something that would incriminate a president, hadn't faded in the least. 

Putting it on, however, had lead to some embarrasing revelations. Firstly, that she'd forgotten the white corsage she usually wore with it - but she could make do without it. Secondly, the lower half of the dress, which had once hung from her body like a silken ziggurat, now clung to her hips and rear in a way that, while appealing, had not been a thing when she'd worn it last. The dress might have remained the same size, but Panty definitely hadn't.

She blamed Kouta's cooking. He never did tell her the secret incredient in the Secret Ingredient Noodle Soup.

But she liked to fantasize~.

Now, she was adding the finishing touches to her makeup in the bathroom mirror. And doing it as quickly as she could. Not simply because she knew how to do it quickly, but because she didn't want to be in the bathroom any longer than she could help. It wasn't making any better of an impression than the room itself did. Cracked tiles, a patch of damp in one corner and a dripping tap gave an air of melancholy that only served to lower her mood even more.

Not in the least because she kept thinking about what Garterbelt had said.

All that stuff about her past, and how hanging out with Kouta had mellowed her out. Even if that was all technically true, what business was it of his? Didn't he have enough on his plate, between being a Ghost of Fuckmas Past and preaching his bullshit gospel to impressionable and vulnerable young boys? And that weird question he'd asked before vanishing - "where do you think you are right now?" What the fuck was that, even? Some kind of bullshit Zen riddle, where the answer also didn't make any sense?

The lights flickered again. Panty sighed and put the eye shadow down. God, this place was a dump. The sooner she got out of here, the better. She just hoped for two things when she got to this bullshit party - some decent dick, and hopefully to not have to talk to-

There was a noise behind her that sounded like an embarrassed cough. 

The memory of what happened the last time the lights flickered flashed through Panty's mind. She looked up.

And stared at what she saw reflected in the mirror behind her.

"...you gotta be shitting me," she said.

Panty's Christmas Carol - Past (18+)

Panty Anarchy hated Christmas.

And not even for the usual reasons. That being that she'd put the newest and most high-tech sex toys money could buy on her list every year, but get coal instead. Seriously, would that sherry-chugging, home-invading creep ever get it right?! He desperately needed to get new specs, or maybe to just retire his fat ass to the Maldives while someone else took his place. Someone younger, maybe, with a six-pack instead of a beer gut and a dick that could make King Arthur's sword wilt in pathetic embarrassment.

Mmmh~ Now, that would be more like it. She'd definitely let him fill her stocking on Christmas Eve~

Ugh, that reminded her. Stocking always got whatever she wanted on Christmas. And all she ever asked for was sweets. But that was still another reason Panty hated Christmas. How was it that her bratty goth bitch of a sister got her vices fulfilled when she didn't?! There was some awful injustice in this world, and when she found the person responsible, she'd be making them regret it via the medium of holy fucking bullets.

But this year, Panty hated Christmas for quite another reason.

A letter had arrived this morning, unexpected. Stocking had got to it first, and had opened it up. The cry of surprise she gave had been one red flag, and then everything after that was an avalanche of the things. The familiar seal, the gold edging, the fancy handwriting. And one look at the invitation confirmed Panty’s worst fears in a second.

They were going back to Daten City. 

Carol's Christmas Caper

The hardest part of Christmas, as far as Carol was concerned, wasn't the dinner. Nor was it getting the decorations up, or the cards written. This was mostly because, like any sane technopath, she cheated and used machines to do all of that for her - on the off chance that they worked correctly, of course. Daniel still wouldn't let her forget the time that the AutoTree had decided it wanted to be a rocket ship and left a huge hole in the ceiling, way back in 2015.

No, the hardest part was trying to get Sine a present.

Cauren was easy. Cauren hadn't seen half of what modern human civilization had to offer, and thus would be happy with quite a lot of things. It was basically like shopping for a kid all over again. But Sine... Sine was the sort of person who'd already been mostly everywhere, had already had everything at least twice and was most certainly not wanting for anything. And Carol was pretty sure that a Netflix subscription wasn't going to cut it.

No, this present had to be special. Because when one went gift-hunting for Sine, one had to go to some very great lengths.

And so it was that, one night, Carol borrowed the Sifter and began her search.

G-Bitez: Hangover

Stephen didn't want to wake up. The weather outside was typical Canada winter, all snow and frost and biting cold, and all he wanted to do was curl up in his big comfy bed and hibernate. The only problem was that Noodle wasn't there to share it, but he could take or leave that as long as it meant he didn't have to leave the bed. And, on top of that, he had a throbbing headache that, he suspected, might have had something to do with last night's celebrations.

But for some reason, breathing through his nose was a problem. So he had to get up to fix that, and that meant getting out of bed. For some reason, his antlers felt rather heavy, and it took a bit more effort to lift his head off of the pillow than it usually did, making him grunt as he hauled himself upright. As far as he knew, they'd never grown as heavy as this - in fact, as he pawed sleepily as his own face, he was pretty sure they didn't rustle, either...

And that was when the clown nose fell off.

"What?" he asked, still half-awake and very confused.

It was to be the start to a very long morning indeed. 

Dirkmas Presents

Eeeeeey baesephine,

Hope X-Mas dinner with the family goes well! I had to think pretty hard about what to get you this year aside from games and shit, but I think I hit the nail on the head with this one. It's called the Painkiller, and it's a combined razor fan and grappling hook. Doesn't make much of a bang, but it's great for forecasting Bloody with a Chance of Limbs :P

Oh, and btw, some of those parcels are marked "PRIVATE!", like that. You'll be needing them for when I come over later, wink wink.

Keep dat arse phat 4 me~

Dirky <3

-------

Broseph and Okuu,

Eeeeeey how goes the X-Mas? When am I gonna be an uncle? :P

LMAO, in all seriousness, though, I got you both a sunbed. I know, your girlfriend is the sun already so you don't really need one, but hey, if you ever want to head to Kuwahawi next year, you might as well get ready to prepare for that tan! Dunno where you guys can put it tho, unless you unplugged the filter on the shark tank, but I don't think that's such a good idea. So here's hoping you find a decent place for it!

Keep on rockin, bro!

Big D.

-------

Dawn,

Okay, so I called you a bitch one time, and to be fair, you did kinda make a massive screwup. But you're still a Kobber and I guess I can still call you my friend even if you do mess up a little - nowhere near as bad as your mom does, so there's that. Anyway, I got a few connections with some blokes up high, so I managed to get a little something forged for you. I think you'll appreciate it, after all the nonsense you've been through, and it'll be a great help in letting you put your feet up.

...yeah, it's a new casual chassis. It'll take some getting used to, since it's Olympian construction, but it's better than constantly walking around in bodies designed for computing or battle. After what went on in Vegas last year, you deserve it.

Also tell your mum I said hi and good luck with the family.

Love,

Dirk

-------

Cauren,

I know we haven't spoken much, so I thought now might be as good a time as any to have a chat. And let me start of by saying a dozen kids?!?!?! Jesus Christ, are you running some kind of benefits scam? :P

But all joking aside, I know raising them all must be hell for both you and your wives, so I went and bought you this big robot triceratops. It responds to voice commands, learns over time with multiple use and your kids can even ride on it. And it's plush, too, so there's no sharp edges or corners to get hurt on! It probably beats them messing around with those weird cube animals that Carol knocked together, who knows what kind of disasters those things have caused?

Oh, and I also got a NERF Gun set for Lucky. I figure if she wants to be like the Kobbers, the best step is to start with pretend guns before moving to real ones.

Hope everything's alright with you and yours, and have a happy Christmas!

Love,

Dirk

-------

Vince,

You poor, sad bastard. Have a laptop, and watch some stupid videos to ease the pain your dumb customers and pushy store cause you. Fun fact - this was my old Cré laptop, but it kicked the bucket so I fitted a whole new hard drive and shit and sent it over to you. Consider it penance for not going into your store at any point, although tbh that might be a blessing in disguise.

Oh, and it has a few games on it too - Darkest Dungeon, Civ 6, Bit Trip Runner, all that stuff. Enjoy.

Don't let the bastards get you down!

Dirk Angelos

-------

Jaws,

Didn't I see you doing stunt work for that shitty SyFy film about a two-headed shark? Whatevs, you're a brilliant actor and it's a shame you have to get stuck with crap like that. I was gonna send you tooth whitener, but that's a stupid idea and also you're a friggin' shark, you don't need tooth whitener when you constantly grow new ones. So I thought I'd send you a fine selection of port, since movie stars seem to like stuff like that. Try not to drink all of it at once, I saw you at Drown Yer Mates and lol you hilarious when drunk.

Keep doing what you do best!

Best Wishes,

Dirk Angelos

-------

setpehn,

hahahaha you shacked up with thle lgorillaz guitarist you sly motherfucker

have a ccoholatve fountain because i htave like fucking ten dof thoose

i'm svery drnufk

drik

-------

Melody and Co.,

Don't really know you guys much, but I wanna spread a little Christmas spirit to you guys since I have so much money. So I threw some your way - a whole bunch of  £100 gift vouchers, to be exact. Don't spend it all in one place, and be sure you buy something nice! :)

Btw Melody, are you and Beck a thing yet? Hurry up, I wanna find some outlandish wedding present I can send to the both of you XP

Love,

Dirk :)

-------

Clash,

Hey, haven't seen you around much. Shame we didn't talk, but I guess you had problems of your own, so we never really met. I know you like swords, tho, cause Cauren told me, so I got my connections to make you a bigger version of this thing. It slices, it dices and it cools you down on hot summer days! Wouldn't reccomend using it in the kitchen tho, unless you like soggy food.

Dirk

Pitmas (Part 2/2)

LAST TIME ON PITMAS...

"Cry if you want, boy, 'cause you had the chance to walk away. But you let me in, and I ain't leavin' till I get what's due to me. Expect me back same time, every day, until you guess right, and each time you guess wrong, I take somethin' from you. And if you don't get it by Christmas Mornin'..."

We now return to your regularly scheduled programming...

-------

"Utsuho... I'm really sorry..."

Those were the first words Pit managed to croak out, once he'd sipped from the glass of water and got some of his breath back.

"I... haven't been honest with you. There's something about me... that I haven't told you, or anyone else. Because it's a part of my life that I... don't like remembering. I went into a really dark place, then... and I didn't think it'd come back to haunt me like this. But now it's back, and I don't know what to do or how to stop it..."

He paused, swallowing, fighting back the urge to start sobbing again. Then he nearly jumped as two strong, warm arms wound themselves around him, and black wings joined in shortly after, creating a warm, comforting feather blanket. There were times having a living hot water bottle for a girlfriend was a very big blessing.

"...What is it?" Utsuho's voice was soft, and soothing. "You can tell me anything, Pit, especially if it's something important..."

Pit swallowed again, and did his best.

"...it was when I was very young, and a lot poorer. My parents... they used to fight a lot, mostly about money. Dad worked hard to make it, but Mum always spent it on stupid things like drugs. One night, before Christmas, it got really bad. So I did a dumb thing - I ran away, because I couldn't stand it. And I got lost in the seedy part of Manhattan - you know the sort of place. Where all the gangs and illicit business goes on. And then...

"I met this gentleman, he called himself Two-Coats... and he made me a deal that I could get rich and never have to worry about my parents fighting ever again. And I said yes, because I was desperate and frightened and didn't know what else to do..."

He paused, and took a big breath. Then he reached for the box of tissues, because his eyes were watering. It hurt, to admit all of this - it was a moment in his life that he had never told anybody, not even his parents. And now he was admitting it to his wife, the person with whom he ought to be the most honest with, after it would have been appropriate to tell her. Real smooth, Pit, he thought to himself as he dabbed at his face. Aurora would have cut your fingers off by now - and you'd deserve it.

"I don't know he did it, but... I ended up getting a position reserved at Sintendo, for new talent. And I never heard from him since then, until now. Because I owe him. But he's playing some twisted game... he's giving me a chance to get out of it by trying to guess what his real name is. Every time I guess wrong... well, you can see what happens there. And if I don't find out what it is by Christmas Morning... I'll lose everything."

His voice vecame very small, almost inaudible.

 "...even you..."

A moment of silence. Which was the first warning sign - Even when down or depressed, Utsuho stilled liked to talk. It made things easier for the both of them when they did that. Whenever the Hell Raven fell silent, for any reason whatsoever, then that was a bad sign, because either she was really upset about something...

"...So he's given you a chance and now he's taking it away for no good reason, and that includes me?"

...or really angry about something.

And Pit soon discovered, as her temperature suddenly rocketed and flames began to lick the air around her, that it was the latter.

"I wanna know," she hissed, eyes blazing, "if there's any reason I shouldn't just blast his face off the second he steps in!"

It took Pit a few seconds to reply. Mostly because he'd forgotten how scary his wife could be when she got angry. But once he'd remembered that yes, that was his beloved Utsuho standing in front of him, he managed to find his voice.

"...because I'm fairly certain," he responded, slowly, "that he could eat your danmaku and call them spicy meatballs. Seriously, this guy has a stomach bigger than Sarah - no offense to the girl, mind you, but there it is. Also," he added, quickly, to assure that he was still taking this seriously, "he might be a demon. And after all these years with the Kobbers, we both know what a bother it is to kill those things."
 
"Oh..." Utsuho deflated, wings sagging and fire flickering out in dissapointment. It was almost comical to watch - Pit knew how much his wife liked to fight things, and learning that this was a problem you couldn't solve through punching always seemed to dampen her spirits. But it didn't last long, and soon the Hell Raven had a thoughtful look upon her face as she pondered the situation.

"Then how do we figure out his name or whatever? Normally this is the kind of thing I'd ask Lady Satori about but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't know... do we need to find other people or something?"

Pit blanched at the implications. "I... I'd rather not have to get anyone else involved. Two-Coats might come after them as well, and I don't want to inflict this on any of the other Kobbers. Not when they're supposed to be having their holiday." Especially Dirk, he mentally added. He's probably sick of having to play hero on Christmas.

"But I suppose," he added, "maybe we could find someone who does know about this sort of thing... We need to research this guy, and fast, before he ruins Christmas and my life for good."

Utsuho nodded. "Alright, if you've got any idea where to start I'll fly over wherever you need! We don't have that much time so let's get going, Pit!"

"Okay, then..." Immensely cheered up by his wife's ethusiasm, Pit stood up and pocketed the mass of tissues he had accumilated, before heading out to collect his coat. Utsuho followed, as eager as he was to get this problem nipped in the bud.

"First," announced the Light Angel as he threw on the heavy garment, "let's start with the library! If there's any books on demonology that can tell us what this guy does, and if he has a weakness, we'll need them! And if we can find where this guy lurks as well, that'll be doubly useful!

"...You any good at reading, Okuu?" he asked, after a moment's thought.

"Yep! ...Although I need to take lots of notes to actually keep anything, eheheheh..."

Pit shrugged. "Eh, we'll work on it. And if we meet Gloria, that's more help for us. Let's go!"

-------

The library was still open at this time of night, surprisingly. Pit had always wondered why Gloria would keep it open to he public, instead of closing it to spend more time with her family on Christmas, but right now he was extremely grateful that she did. And in any case, there were more important things to worry about then what Gloria did in her spare time - most likely reading, if the angel knew her at all.

Of course, he wasn't one to throw stones at the moment, not when he was frantically flicking through some dusty old tomes himself. He had no idea that there were so many books on demonology - in fact, he recognized a few himself, from his school days when demonology was a compulsory thing. And thankfully, his skills in taking rapid-fire notes whilst the teacher talked hadn't diminished in the slightest. So there he was, copying as much of the old-timey, floral text as he could make out, his wrist groing rapidly tired as he wrote upon what might have been his third piece of paper of the night.

Thank goodness Gloria was so understanding. And had so much paper.

He knew he was done when he turned the page for the book he was on and found it blank - he'd reached the end. With a groan of exertion he closed the book, prised his fingers away from his pen and reached for another. As he did so, he happened to glance sideways, where he knew Utsuho was sitting at another part of the table with her half of the books-

-and found her slumped over her notes, fast asleep.

After a confused pause, he gave a sigh and shook his head a little, although a smile graced his face at the sight. In all honesty, he should have expected this to happen - it was getting late, and the two had already exhausted themselves somewhat by worrying about the Two-Coats situation. He couldn't really fault her for losing concentration like this, especially in here. The angel didn't know of any other places that were more conductive to falling asleep than the stuffy air of a library, except maybe his own comfy bed.

Besides, she looked really cute when she was alseep.

Rising carefully from his seat, Pit reached over and carefully shook his wife by the shoulder. "Okuu?"

"Hnh? What?" Utsuho's eyes fluttered open, and lifted her head to look up at him with bleary eyes. For a moment, it seemed as though she'd forgotten where she was or what she was doing, and Pit's heart nearly melted into goo at the sight of it.

"You fell asleep," he explained.

Realization quickly came to the Hell Raven, and she groggily pulled herself upright. "Sorry, Pit, eheheheh... I guess I just got tired..."

"Yeah, I don't blame you." Pit reached for his chair and shuffled it around, positioning it next to Utsuho. "Shall we compare what we've got, at least?"

Utsuho nodded, and the two sat side-by-side as they looked over what they had managed to extract from the collections of tomes and grimoires on the subject. Much to their dissapointment, only a few went into any detail about the creature they were facing now, and most of them repeated the same thing ad nauseum - perhaps the authors had been in cahoots with each other at some point. The info they had gathered, though, said a lot - their adversary went under many names, the River King being one of them, and it turned out he fed on human misery, and thus had been making unsavoury deals since the earliest civilizations.

"So," grumbled Pit as he observed that particular passage. "It's not just me. He's been pulling this shit for a long time, and on Palutena-knows how many people."

"I wonder," mused Utsuho as she leaned over his shoulder, "if anyone else thought of trying to stop him. I mean, they can't just let him get away with this, right...?"

"Seems some tried." Pit's tone was sour as he noted a particularly striking image - the fat, fish-faced demon happily picking his teeth with some unfortunate knight's sword.

It wasn't long, however, before some breakthroughs were made. Utsuho had found that the thing needed to be invited into houses, much like a vampire, and could only manifest physically when people had made deals with him. Which meant that, as long as Pit's bargain was in place, the creature was vulnerable. And there was one particular detail that, upon closer examination, the duo had agreed to keep as a backup plan, in case whatever solution they first tried didn't work out. It was worth remembering, at any rate.

But finally, they settled on something. Something that had been repeated consistently and frequently in every book featuring the monster they'd seen, where others either appeared in only a few, or only once. A pair of words that, when put into context, could only have been the solution they were looking for.

Tahm Kench.

"That must be it," insisted Pit, slapping a thumb to the page. "This has to be his real name - why else does it appear so much."

"Great!" Utsuho seemed very relieved that they'd found something of value - and also very baggy-eyed - as she began to gather the books up. "If that is his name, all you gotta do is guess it, and he'll leave you alone, right?"

Pit paused as he helped to sort the tomes, pondering. "I'm not that sure. If what they say about this guy is true, he might try and abuse some loophole to get out of it. 'That used to be my name, but not anymore' - that type of nonsense."

"Well..." Utsuho seemed worried for a few moments, but then her face steeled. "It's worth a try, right? And even if it doesn't work, at least we have the backup plan."

"Do we have a backup of the backup?" Pit grunted as he heaved his stack off the table.

"Yeah." The Hell Raven's eyes glinted. "Blow him off the face of this planet."

Pit laughed. "Of course."

But secretly, he was hoping that they wouldn't need to resort to backups.

-------

The next day proceeded as normally as the two could manage it. Pit did his usual jobs around the house - feeding the sharks, doing the dishes, putting out seed for the birds and things like that. But it was obvious that as hard as he tried to pretend things were okay, they really weren't, and he kept jumping at every sudden sound or movement. Utsuho knew what he was feeling, and helped, in small ways, to alleviate his discomfort, such as sitting next to him when The Muppets' Christmas Carol came on, or helping him with the cooking.

It helped keep his nerves in check come dinnertime.

They had been expecting the knock on the door. How could they not? They had been preparing for it all day - and it was no surprise to Pit that it came at exactly the same time it had previously. Right down to the minute, it was proved upon a quick glance at the clock, and husband and wife shared a look with each other as they steeled themselves for what was to come.

Then Pit put down the plate with the turkey on it, straightened up and went to the front door.

Utsuho had only seen pictures of the monster in the books they'd read last night, so she wasn't really sure what to assume of his appearance or mannerisms. She was not to be dissapointed - the thing that followed in Pit's wake as he walked into the dining room, sliding his copius frame through the door with a grunt of effort, was almost a fraction uglier than the drawings had suggested. The gleam in his eyes as he looked upon her, presumably for the first time, was even worse, almost predatory in their intent.

"Ah, is this the lovely Utsuho I've been told about?" The thing made a show of tipping his battered top hat - a false gesture of congeniality, if ever there was one. "I am delighted to make your acquaitence, my dear!"

"Likewise," muttered Utsuho, holding back the urge to throw up.

Dinner proceeded in the same fashion as it had previously - the monster making small talk as he devoured the food that had been prepared for other people, with his host trying his best to not scream in terror or reach for a knife. It amaed Utsuho at how rapidly the thing could devour the entire spread in front of it - she'd been reckoned a champion eater equal to Sarah, but the beast seemed to have literally no end to his appetite or bottom to his stomach. It was almost commendable, in a gross and off-putting kind of way.

Eventually, the table had been completely cleared, every plate licked clean by the fat tongue of the monster. The latter belched in satisfaction, picked a morsel from between his jagged fangs, then turned to the revolted duo beside him and heaved himself onto his feet.

"Now," he growled, leering ominously, "to business. You figured it out?"

"I've got some good guesses," was Pit's response. But he shared a nervous glance with Utsuho that did not go amiss.

"Well, let's hear 'em." And the bloated form of Two-Coats folded his arms, his enormous grin growing wider, and waited for the responses.

"Clarence?" was the first try.

But the creature shook its head, making its whiskers wobble. "First time wrong, kid. Try again."

"Boudreaux?" tried Pit.

"Nope," chuckled the beast. "But I gots me a cousin by the name Boudreaux? Not as refined of taste as yours truly, of course, but-"

"Tahm Kench."

The change that came over Two-Coats' countenance was startling. In almost the space of an entire second, the smug grin fell away, the yellow eyes widened with dawning realization, and what colour remained in the clammy, grey skin drained out. It was the first time that Pit had ever seen the creature with an expression other than self-confident superiority, and it was almost frightening how different he looked when he wasn't gloating or monologing.

"...what?" he hissed.

"Tahm Kench," repeated Pit, but now with more confidence. "That's your name, right?"

A pause.

Then Tahm Kench gave an ugly chuckle.

"Very good," he growled. "Didn't think you'd get it right - but then again, that be the same mistake ol' 'Stilkskin made. Guess we demon-types be slow learners, eh?"

"Yep," retorted Pit, feeling a weight lift off of his heart. This was it. Finally, he'd bested the demon, and he was free from the horrible bargain that he'd made so long ago, when he was but a young child. Now he could get on with his life without having to look over his shoulder allthe time-

And then the tongue lashed out and scooped the gifts right out from next to the television. There was a flash of wrapping that whizzed by Pit's face for a moment, then it all disappeared with a titanic crunching noise as Tahm Kench bit down with a sharp, almost physical finality.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" screamed the angel.

"Ah gave you till Christmas Morn' to guess my name," snarled the beast, once he had finished chewing. "But I never said nothing about leavin' yer alone if you got it right, and if your honestly though that was gonna happen, yer dumber than a catfish on dry mud! A payment is due, Peter Angelos, an' I will get what is-"

"HOLD IT!"

Pit's vision was suddenly full of black wings and warmth. When he looked again, Utsuho was standing in his way, arms spread in front of her defiantly. He couldn't see her face, but he could feel the intense heat radiating off from her, and could very well picture the barely-contained scowl of rage she would have had on her face. He also couldn't see Tahm Kench, for some reason, but his response showed an uncharacteristic confusion - he could picture the massive brow creasing and the eyes narrowing.

"What's this about?" the fish monster snarled.

"You want to get to Pit so bad?" snapped Utsuho. "Then take me!"

Pit's blood ran cold, and he nearly screamed out something in protest.

"Well..." said Tahm, after a moment's pause, "that's awful kind of ya. I do so like hot food-"

"On one condition. You give back everything you've taken from him. You do that, and I'm yours. Just leave Pit alone."

Instantly, Tahm Kench flung back his head and let out a roar of rage that shook the house. Pit clamped his hands over his ears to try and block it out, but the mere volume of it rattled his bones, and he nearly lost his balance and fell over as the air around him seemed to vibrate.

"WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!" screamed Tahm Kench, in an apoplexy of fury. "WHO TOLD YOU HOW TO DO THAT?!"

"I did my research," Pit thought he heard Utsuho shout, over the gnashing of teeth. But it was clear that the monster wasn't listening anymore - he was in such a fury that he no longer seemed to care what he was doing, or who was inthe room with him. Eyes nearly bursting out of his skull, the River King was alternating between snapping at the air with his crooked jaws as he ranted, and lashing about with a tongue that writhed and coiled like a serpent recieving drastic shock therapy. It was quite horrible to watch, yet Pit didn't feel an ounce of sympathy for Tahm.

"WAS IT AATROX?! BY THE BLACK BAYS OF BILGEWATER, WHEN I CATCH THAT SON OF A-!"

"Whoa, careful, you might bite your-"

There was a noise like a steak being cut in half.

"...tongue," Pit finished lamely, as the appendage flopped to the carpet, still spurting blood.

Tahm Kench stared at it.

Then he gave a noise between a cough and a growl, and all at once everything he'd eaten since turning up at the angel's house came pouring out of his cavernous throat. The decorations, the tree, the food, the gifts - all if it was there, and all of it was whole and untouched, as if it hadn't been ripped callously off the walls, or crunched up and swallowed a day ago. And, much to Pit's surprise, none of it smelt of stomach, or looked digested in any way.

But he had little time to ponder that phenomenon. The thumping of footsteps made him jerk his head up, just in time to see Tahm Kench, roaring and spitting red, barge his way out of the door and lumber down the path. Both Pit and Utsuho ran after him, and reached the door just in time to see him race down the street, still gargling and snarling with blood dribbling down his chin, before he turned a corner and vanished out of sight.

"AND DON'T COME BACK!" hollered Utsuho, waving her arm cannon threateningly. Pit couldn't resist a chuckle at that, knowing full well that his wife was holding back a good deal, for the safety of the people. Had he given her permission, she would have thrown an entire sun on top of Kench to stop him coming back, but the colatteral wouldn't have been worth it, as far as Pit was concerned. People wanted a white Christmas, he'd explained, not a charred one sprinkled with radiation.

Quickly, because it was cold, the two drew inside and shut the door.

Then they turned and wrapped each other up in an enormous hug.

"I'm so glad that worked," Utsuho whispered into Pit's ear.

"Me, too," replied Pit. He had been hoping that Utsuho wouldn't have to resort to that - offering herself in return for all the stolen things had seemed crazy, at first, and Pit had objected quite vehemently. But the old tomes had turned out to be correct in one regard; Tahm Kench simply couldn't stomach an unselfish deal that wasn't for one's profit. Desperate people looking for a cheap way out, or greedy people seeking to better themselves, he could handle. But a bargain made from the goodness of one's heart was literal poison to him, undoing all the terror and curses he'd spun over his victims.

And that meant Pit was free.

Once they'd let go of each other. Utsuho took the food and, after making sure it was clean, helped to set it up on the table, putting the excess aside for reheating at a later time. Pit, meanwhile, busied himself with putting the decorations and presents back in their proper places - they were all completely whole, so it wasn't as hard as it looked. Between the two of them, they soon got the house back into its proper state, looking as festive and untouched as it had been before.

Once dinner was done (and Utsuho had complimented him on his cooking), Pit was washing the dishes when he saw the tongue, which had been put on a plate to deal with later on the kitchen countertop. He looked at it, very keenly, as he finished up the last few plates, set them aside and dried his hands on the tea towel. An idea was forming in his mind, and he let it stew for a few moments, turning it over and ensuring it was thoroughly thought out.

Then he reached for the phone, and made a call.

...

"'Sup, Dirk. How goes it?

"...of course. Listen, I need to ask something of you. Food-related.

"No, no, hear me out. Listen... how do you prepare a giant demon catfish's tongue? Like, I'm thinking of maybe cubing it for a stew, or just boiling and roasting it...

"...lots and lots of salt. Got it. Thanks a bunch, bro."

 You have been reading

~PITMAS: Frozen Creek~

A ZFRP Christmas Story

featuring:

PIT ANGELOS

UTSUHO ANGELOS

And introducing TAHM KENCH as HIMSELF

Featuring cameos by GLORIA ENCARTA and DIRK ANGELOS

MUSIC TRACK:

"You Make Me Feel So Young" - Frank Sinatra

"The River King" - Riot Games

"Sunken Crypt" - Alice: Madness Returns

"Valua City" - Skies of Arcadia

"Timber Owls" - Final Fantasy VIII

"Here Comes Trouble..." - Banjo-Tooie

"You're the Superstar!" - Mario Party 5

"It Feels Like Christmas" - The Muppet Christmas Carol

THANK YOU FOR READING!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Pitmas (Part 1/2)

~THE ANGELOS RESIDENCE, MANHATTAN~

"You make me feel so young...
You make me feel so 'Spring has sprung'..."

It was a dumb song to sing, really. The only reason Pit was singing it at all was because it was on television so much. But it was surprisingly appropriate, considering what he was doing at the moment.

It was only last year that Utsuho had experienced Christmas properly. And whilst that had been a brillian experience, as far as Pit was concerned, that was when she had merely been his fiance, and not his wife as she was now. And this was going to be their first Christmas as a married couple - one that the angel wanted them both to cherish and remember for always afterwards. So, being the old-fashioned romantic he was, he had decided that this year, he was going to do something special for her, to make this year's Yuletide something to remember.

And that something was a Pre-Christmas Dinner back at his house.

It was a strange concept, to say the east, and one that even Dirk had raised an eyebrow at. But Pit knew how much that Utsuho loved her food, especially when it came to the yearly goodies. And thus did the white-winged angel find himself within the kitchen, busying himself over the pots on the stove and the slow cooker and goodness knows what else was going on in there. Whilst the eldest of the Angelos Brothers may not have been the esteemed cook his brother was, the fine, toothsome smell of roasting chestnuts, traditional Christmas pudding, cooking goose and more besides indicated he was making pretty good progress.

And he was pretty happy with that progress, as he continued singing along as he stirred the contents of a saucepan.

"And every time I see you grin,
I'm such a happy... in-dividual!"

Dirk has given some pointers, of course - he was the expert when it came to food prep. But the dark-winged angel had fully admitted that tradition was not something he was partial to, not after the gourmet cooking had been such a runaway success with Josephine. So whilst he'd given what advice he could, in the end it had been mostly up to Pit to make it work. And as he took a small taste of the cranberry sauce he was working on, he was pretty sure he was making it work just spectacularly.

Utsuho is going to love this, he thought to himself.

"You and I...
Are just like a-"

Knock knock.

Pit paused mid-stir, confusion lacing his mind. Then he put the spoon back in the saucepan, turned the heat down to "simmer" and made for the door. Who would be calling upon him at this time of the day? Certainly not Utsuho, as far as he knew - she'd promised to arrive much later than this, he knew, so that the dinner would be ready in time. And Wes Weasely hadn't figured out how to bypass their new honey badger security system, so it couldn't have been him...

The view through the door didn't give much indication, either - just a lare bulk, obscured by the frosted-over windows. Pit did not envy anyone who was outside this year, for it had been the worst sort of snow the city had seen for a good long while. He briefly wondered, as he approached the door, whom would be stupid or brave enough to try and withstand the driving blizzards to call upon his house, if they weren't his wife. Perhaps one of his portly uncles had arrived to share some of the family cider?

"Hel-" he began to say as he opened the door.

And then fearful recognition turned the word to thorns in his mouth.

"Oh, I do beg your pardon," drawled the monstrous thing on the doorstep. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything... important."

On the surface, the words seemed sincere, almost melodic. But Pit knew very well what sort of slimy ugliness was beneath them, and it made his stomach churn with disgust even as his blood froze in barely-restrained terror. He had to force his next sentence out, the words sticking in his throat, and they tasted bitter as he spoke, almost as if he was dreaming the whole situation.

"No, not at all," he lied, and instantly hated himself.

The beast gave an ugly chuckle, baring all of his teeth. "Well, now, can a gentleman come in from the cold? You know it ain't polite to refuse an old acquaintance, don't ya?"

"Of course." Pit stood aside automatically, gesturing with one hand. "Come right in."

The creature grinned wider, and turned sideways as he pushed his way through the doorframe, so as he could fit through and cross the threshold properly. Pit could have screamed as the thing entered his house, but said nothing as his uninvited guest ambled towards the dining room, filling the air with the foul scent of stagnant water and pudgy feet leaving damp track marks in the carpet. And as he watched the beast lug it's way past the next door, humming some backwater tune to itself, a horrible thought lanced across his mind like an icicle thrown by an Olympic javelin-thrower.

Please... Not now...

Pitmas (Prologue)

Once upon a time, there lived a very small angel with white wings, who was very unhappy. His mother was poor, and spent all her money on frivolous things. His father worked long hours, and was rarely around for him. His wings were very small indeed, smaller than any angel that had been born, and all the kids in school teased him because they were too small to let him fly. But worst of all was whenever his mother and father quarreled, for although they loved each other very much, they could not stand the other's bad habits, and this made the very small angel very sad indeed.

But the very small angel had a dream - a very big dream indeed. In the very small house where he lived, he could look out of his bedroom window and see the great, shining tower of Sintendo, like a beacon in the inky blackness of the Manhattan skyline. He knews that place was were all the most famous people were - Mario, Link and Samus among them. And before he went to sleep, he always wished that, some day, a very small angel would walk to the very top of that tower and meet those famous people.

"I'll be as famous as they are, some day," he would say to himself. "I know I'll be."

And that day came sooner than he thought.

One Christmas Eve, his mother and father were having a terrific argument, the worst one they had in a long time. The very small angel did his best to not listen to what they were saying, but they shouted so loud that it was very hard not to hear it.

"How do you expect me to feed this family?!" his father was saying. "How can I save up for anything on Christmas when you keep spending my money on your ridiculous Pipe and those wretched beads?!"

"What else am I supposed to do?!" his mother shouted back. "You're never around anymore! You don't even speak to our son, and he doesn't see you!"

"That's because I'm at work, trying to earn for this family!" yelled his father. "But of course, you wouldn't know anything about work, would you?"

"And you wouldn't know anything about being a parent!" shrieked his mother.

The very small angel covered his ears, trying not to listen to all this horrible shouting. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't not hear what came next, nor would he ever forget it.

"You're a disgrace!" bellowd his father. "I wish I'd never met you!"

"And I wish I'd never met you, either!" screamed his mother.

That was too much for the very small angel. With tears in his eyes, he ran down the stairs of their very small house, out of the door, down the garden path and down the street, away from the house. He didn't know or care where he was going, he just wanted to get away from the awful argument and not have to see his parents again. How could they say something like that to each other, on Christmas Eve? It wasn't fair, and it wasn't anybody's fault that they were poor and couldn't afford much! Why did they have to make such a big fight about it?

Night was falling fast, and soon it was very dark and cold. The very small angel didn't know where he'd run to, and found himself in a dark, dirty corner of the city, where not even the bravest dare go for fear of what lurked there. Soon, he began to be very sorry he ran away, and tried to find his way back home, but the more corners he turned, the more lost and frightened he became. He saw the mark of the Black Dragon on a wall, and knew what that meant, so he ran away quickly. And he met many people who looked at him kindly, or chased him away with knives, or didn't even notice him. But he never found his way home, or anyone who could tell him the way.

"Oh, why ever did I run away?" cried the very small angel. "I know mother and father arguing was bad, but it was much better than this! At least at home, I could be warm, and have something to eat!"

Just then, he heard a strange sound, coming from a dark corner that had, at the time, seemed damp and empty. As he listened, the sound grew and formed words, in a language that he had never heard before, not from his friends or at school - flowing and babbling like a river. And somehow, he felt drawn towards that dark, damp corner, as if it was offering him safety and comfort from the darkness around him. So he drew closer, and as he drew closer, the louder the sound became, and the more clearer the words, although he still didn't understand them.

When he got to the dark, damp corner, he saw that it was part of a bridge, that overlooked a river - which strange, because he was very sure the river had not been there before. At first, he couldn't see anything, but then he heard a splashing sound, and saw something move beneath the water.

So the very small angel looked over the bridge, and saw...

...a very large gentleman. 

PITMAS: FROZEN CREEK

Coming Soon... 

Dirkmas 3: Space Dirky (Part 2/2)

Last time on Space Dirky...

"Mah boss, Don Macro, 'eard about 'ow you shoved his girl, Mr. Angelos. An' he's callin' you out, you sunuvabitch."

Dirk felt the universe plummet out from him. Although that might have been the absinthe.

We now return to your regularly scheduled programme.

Dirkmas 3: Space Dirky (Part 1/2)

Riiiing... Riiiiing...

"Yo, Jo! How ya doing'?

"Pffft, really? Man, I know your mom's cooking is great, but it can't last that long, surely?

"...Okay, touche. Thank all the gods for antacid tablets, eh?"

"Me? Oh, I'm alright. And Pit? Well... He's gone to Gensokyo to visit Okuu's family. Apparently, they're all as crazy as some of us at the bar. So, yeah, that's a thing.

"Hey, you wanna know what else is a thing? You know that holiday you always said you wanted to go on? Well, I had a word with David, and-

"...That's right! WE'RE GOING TO PLANET TRENDY!"

Dirkmas 2 Epilogue: Presents

"Hey, bro."

"Yes, Dirk?"

"CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAS!"

"Pfffft, I know, I know. Come on, let's go open our presents already~!"

"Race you to open them all first!"

-------

"Hey, Pit! I hope everything's going fine!

"You gave me that ring, so I thought I'd get you something in return... I made it with the help of a couple friends, and I hope you like it...

"And I can't wait to see you again! I promise I'll be there on the spaceship the very day you come back! I love you, Merry Christmas, and say hi to Dirk for me!"

-------

"D'aaaaaw, that's brilliant~!"

"It really is. And look, she got me a third-eye pendant! Just like the one she wears!"

"Aw, that's awesome! Wear it when you go out on dinner dates with her!"

"Sure will! Oh, Dirk, just remembered - you never told me what you were getting Josephine!"

"...Weeeeell..."

-------

"Yo, Josephine,

"I know you;re fond of ridiculously huge or OP guns, so I got you this:

"It's called the Electrodriver. It shoots shurikens and lightning. That is literally all you need to know.

"Have an awesome Christmas, and love you loads!

"Dirky xxx"

-------

"..."

"shut up"

"Pffffft, that's our Dirky!"

"SHUT UP"

"Bahahahahahah~!"

Dirkmas 2 Part 2

Last time on Dirkmas...

"Guys," chuckled the angel, "we're going to steal Frosttime.

"And this is how we're gonna do it..."

We now return to your regularly scheduled programme...

-------

Prison Warden Frak was pissed.

It was his default state of being. He'd been pissed when the Dark Angel had been dragged before Her Lady and yelled at, he'd been pissed when he dragged him into the prison level of the ship and threw him in a cell, and right now he was even more pissed thanks to a bottle of Ol Janx Spirit. This was his idea of a good day - fuck all to do but eat and drink, shit and piss, maybe sleep. So there he was, slouched on the break room sofa with a bottle in one hand, a taco in the other and several more bottles scattered about him. This was definitely shaping up to be one of his Best Days Ever.

No, he wasn't fucking going to work! It was Frosttime, for Nibiru's sake! The Independance Feast was coming up, there were medals for his service lying in a dusty desk somewhere and there was still some distilled Hypercider somewhere calling his name! So were some fancy glowy screens he had to watch - who cared? Nobody ever broke out of the cells on their own, because nobody in the universe seemed smart enough to figure out how to break Skaro Magnalocks! So there was no reason to pay attention to the screens, and every reason to get drunk, as he was doing now.

Yes, the Vulturite decided as he took another swig of Ol Janx. This was a fucking brilliant day. And he was, in all senses of the word, pissed beyond belief.

So he didn't notice when the door to the break room broke open and the crowd of former prisoners stormed in. Nor did he react when he was picked up in the claw of an enraged Macra, who passed him to a seething Yujata, who hauled him into the arms of an irate Grey, who flung him into the grip of a fuming Taurian, who dumped him at the feet of a llama holding a soldering iron-

"Caaaaaaaarl!"

...Fuck.

-------

Being a chef on a massive Nibirian cruiser was a constant headache.

Head Provisions Officer Daeg could testify to that. He couldn't tell you the number of personel on board the ship off the top of his head - that was all done with computers now. But at a rough estimate, it was close to a hundred people - officers, engineers, navigators, guards and regular soldiers all thrown together in one great big mass of hungry stomachs. Factor in the number of prisoners that were often taken on board, as well as the differing tastes of everybody on the ship and... well, you had long shifts with little sleep, among other things. The roster for worker shifts on these ships were just insane.

Preparing a single massive meal for everyone, however, was a different matter. It was no longer a case of making sure they had enough of one specific thing for Janitor Blun or whoever - now, it was just a matter of quantity. They had the menu planned out perfectly, and all they had to do was ensure that they would have enough to satisfy everyone who wanted one thing or another. On top of that, some of the prisoners were going to feature heavily in the ingredients - the thought of slicing up a helpless Kaled mutant made Daeg cackle with glee, knowing full well it would be one less mouth to feed. And he had to admit, there was a certain joy in perparing all these lavish meals for Her Lady - it allowed him to exercise his craft as a cook more, knowing full well that the rich food would be appreciated for a long time to come, as was the way with festive meals.

So yes, he was feeling quite good today. So good that he didn't think twice before letting the new ameteur cook in to have a crack at the chocolate pudding. So what if he was a wobbly weed of a fledgeling with no sense of balance and an oddly-derformed beak? It would be good experience for him to prepare the desserts for everyone on board, to experience the rush and clamour of the Independance Day Cooking Spree. Nothing could possibly go wrong at this stage, surely! All was going to plan!

Five minutes later, and the kitchen was a graveyard. Soups and sauces formed a veritable oil slick on the ground, with nobody able to stand on their feet for a second without collapsing in a heap. Meats and vegetables of different sizes, shapes and preparations were pasted onto the walls - how they even got there was still a mystery. Globs of pudding and splats of custard were everywhere, as were the unconcious bodies of one or two cooks who hadn't gotten out of the way in time. And in the middle of it all was Daeg, dripping with cranberry sauce, curled up in a pile of mush that was once stuffing and gently weeping for the state of the universe.

And, outside the door, the trio of elves shed their disguise, hopped off each other's shoulders, giggling like lunatics.

-------

"WHAT IS GOING ON?!" screamed Lady Glacia in her throne room.

It seemed like everything had been going according to plan. The food was being prepared, the prisoners were being watched and everything was on schedule. She'd been looking extremely forward to dining on her hated enemy and killer of her husband, and then returning home in triumph and contentment. So when in all the Seven Continents did things suddenly take a turn down into Shitville?! She'd called Head Provisions Officer Daeg for a status update on the condiments, only to recieve hysterical sobbing and half-gibbered explanations and pleas for mercy instead. And then, when alarms had started blaring, she'd turned on the cameras to see her dinner running amok in the lower levels!

Dropping her face into her palms, the Nibirian let out a humongous sigh of irritation. That's what happens, she decided, when you hire Vulturites. In a sense, they hadn't evolved past the carrion-eating, excrement-flinging days before the Annunaki had arrived - despite their newfound proficiency with technology, they were still unbelievably single-minded, selfish and thick. So it was no wonder that things had hit Space Mexico in such a short time as they did, and in all honesty it had only been a matter of time before somebody cocked up. If only it hadn't been now, with Frosttime looming.

There was only one thing for it. As the reptillian princess lifted her face from her palms and gazed upon the Earth, it's serene glow almost taunting her stress and annoyance, the old adage crept through her mind like a spider on the prowl.

"If you want something done right," she hissed to the universe in general, "you do it yourself."

With a fluid, effortless motion, she lifted herself from her throne and slithered out of the room, her scales making only the tinest scraping noises.

-------

Dirk heaved a massive sigh of relief as he watched the assorted alien prisoners file into the escape pods, one by one. The plan so far had been a success - thanks to the Dalek's schematics, he and the others were able to locate the various services on the ship - kitchen, escape pods, engine room, the works. After much debate, it was decided that the five should split into groups to deal with the three different problems presented - namely, getting the prisoners off the ship, ruining the dinner and dealing with Lady Glacia's forces. Dirk had taken up the first responsibility, using Maisy's comb to open the cell doors and ushering the confused creatures and races out.

It hadn't taken long for them to figure out what was going on, and soon they were rampaging through the corridors in the traditional mob mentality, trampling and killing any unfortunate Vulturites that crossed their path. In fact, many of them were clamouring to simply storm the bridge and take out Lady Glacia in one massive mob, and whilst Dirk was not against that idea as a whole, he reasoned that it'd be better overall if they simply got off the ship. And so here he was, watching as Taurians, Greys, Zygons and more filed into the pods and shuttles, ready to fly home.

It wouldn't be much trouble, he'd been reassured. The Dalek had told him the ship eas in a geo-starionary orbit above Earth, and was within range of all the major star systems, so getting home wouldn't be a problem for these assorted aliens. Dirk briefly wondered where that Dalek was right now, then dismissed the thought. It'd be fine, he reasoned. Those overgrown saltshakers were known for tenacity, if nothing else, and it wasn't like it'd be fretting over his progress at all. No need to contact it or anything - there were more pressing concerns right now.

Turning away from the group, the Dark Angel procured a communicator from his pocket - earlier on, he'd cheekily knocked out a pair of Vulturite guards and pilfered these disc-like objects from their ultility belts. Another one had been handed to Merry and, after some fiddling, the two had managed to sync the devices up so they could keep tabs on each other before going their separate ways. Pressing the button, Dirk lifted the disc to his mouth, looking around to make sure he was alone before speaking.

"Merry? How goes the sabotage? Because I'm done up here, and I'll need you to- UMPH!"

He hadn't looked hard enough.

She'd found him.

-------

"Dirk? Dirk?!"

"...No answer! Oh, no, Merry, I think he's in trouble!"

"Calm down, Maisy! Our job's done - all we gotta do is go back and help him!"

"Well, that goes without saying! Come on, you two!"

And with that, the three elves drop their communicator and dash down the corridor, headed back the way they come. In their haste to aid their friend, none of them notive the service elevator sliding into position in the opposite wall, a pinging noise announcing it's arrival onto the floor. If they had, they might have seen that it had just come up from Floor 0 - the engine room, where the vital machinery that kept the ship moving and afloat in the void of space.

As well as the lone Dalek that emerged, triumph in it's eyestalk.

-------

Sine may not have talked much to anyone else about the invisible monster she and Zeph fought, or "That Awful Thing", as she called it. But she can probably still remember when it first attacked, trying to squeeze the life out of her before the Robot Master swooped in and saved her. She described the experience as being "wrapped in a hot, wet washcloth", a comical expression that did nothing to dampen the threat of death by either crushed bones or suffocation looming over her. In short, the way she'd described it indicated that it probably an extremely unpleasant experience.

Dirk would argue that being in the coils of a Nibirian was worse.

Not that I'd reccomend trying it, he mentally added. The experience was probably what an orange goes through in the juicing machine - a horrid, warm pressure from all sides, completely engulfing his body and limbs and tightening with every second. The angel couldn't move so much as a finger, arms locked to his sides by ten-inch-thick ropes of muscle, unable to even pull the trigger on the laser that was still in one hand or kick out against his captor. Not only were his bones beginning to deform from the pressure, but getting breath of any sort was becoming more and more difficult as his lungs were slowly compressed inwards, depleting his air supply little by little.

As the angel grunted in pain, spots flashing in front of his eyes, the face of Lady Glacia descended ino view. He could hear shouts and screams from somwhere far off - had the prisoners been found by Vulturite guards? He hoped they weren't panicking and stampeding right now, or everything would go to shit.

"I have to admit," she hissed, faced inches from Dirk's, "this is new! I haven't had a prison break on my ship for as long as I can remember, and certaintly not a riot this big! Congratulations on making history, Dirk - too bad you won't live long enough to celebrate it!" And a laugh like icicles on a window pane rattled through the corridor.

At any other time, Dirk would have fired back with a witty retort, or at least a simple "shut the fuck up" or similar. However, on this occasion this wasn't an option - the Nibirian had managed to get a loop of her tail around his mouth, holding it shut to stop him from calling out for help. On top of that, it further diminished his ability to breathe, and what little air he could draw in through his nose wasn't enough to diminish the ringing in his ears. So he had to be content with a defiant glare, even as his face began to rapidly turn blue from lack of oxygen.

"It's a shame that you've made a mess of my schedule like this," the princess continued, running a claw across the angel's exposed cheek tauntingly. "But really, all you've done is delay the feat by a day or so. And to me and my loyal subjects, that's no problem at all. All we have to do is round up those pesky escapees of yours and get them preserved, ready for cooking whilst we clean up your mess and get things ready. And as for you..."

The coils tightened, and Dirk gave a muffled scream as something creaked inside him. A forked tongue slid out from between Glacia's fangs and lapped at her teeth, her eyes glinting maliciously.

"I wonder what raw angel tastes like..."

"LET HIM GO!"

Glacia rolled her eyes in exasperation, turning in the air to face the source of the shout. "Oh, what-?"

And that's when Punchy's fist collided with her face, and Maisy's boot found it's place in her stomach. The combined attack sent the cold-blooded creature sailing backwards, blood trailing from a broken nose as she slammed into the far wall before collapsing in a heap on the floor. At the same time, the coils around Dirk loosened considerably, and the Dark Angel slid out of the coccoon and landed with a thump on his butt, gulping down lungfuls of air like a starving man binging on praline truffles. Merry was instantly by his side, helping him to his feet as the world slowly came back into focus.

"Are you alright, Mr. Dirk?" the Elf was heard to cry out, although Dirk's hearing was still somewhat muffled.

"Yeah, I'll live," gasped Dirk. His innards felt like play-dough after that, and every one of his bones was screaming in pain. But he didn't get to dwell on it for long, because in the next second Glacia had righted herself, tail thrashing like a whip, and the angel had to throw himself to the floor to avoid being smacked in the face it. The Nibirian towered over him, eyes bulging in her head and turning purple with rage, and the three elves backed away from their enemy as panic suddenly seized them.

"I WILL MOUNT YOUR HEADS ON MY MANTLEPIECE!" Glacia shrieked.

"You're welcome to try, fuckface," snarled Dirk, scrambling to his feet.

Hissing, Glacia charged...

...and screamed as a claw caught her across the face, causing her to spin in mid-air and miss Dirk by incles. As she struggled to right herself, undulating like a ribbon in the wind, the Macra that had been among the prisoners lumbered forward, clacking it's pincers and chittering with defiance and anger. Beneath it, Vulturites that had been trying to round up the escapees howled as they were trampled and prodded by it's pointed feet, and other aliens began to bunch up behind the massive crab, uttering their own rebellious cries.

Glacia swivelled to face this new attacker, seething with injured pride. But she wasn't able to make a move before the Taurian charged in, bellowing, and caught her in the stomach with a swinging fist, sending her sliding backwards. The Yujata's laser shot missed her head by a whisker, leaving a seething burn in the wall, but the Grey's telekinatic blast didn't, and the pummled princess teetered from the onslaught, off-balance for a few precious moments as her former captives advanced.

And that's when Dirk seized his chance. With a yell, the dark angel spread his wings and leapt into the air, tackling Glacia around the midsection and sending them both crashing to the floor of the ship. Both of them immediately began tumbling around on the ground, shouting and snarling in a mad struggle, lost in a tangled ball of scales and feathers. Caught off-guard by Dirk's sudden bold assault, the elves and aliens watched from the sidelines, unsure of what to do as their friend and savour respectively duked it out with their opressor, punching and kicking and occasionaly biting.

Glacia's tail suddenly shot up, curling around and around.

Maisy screamed and covered her eyes.

There was a brief symphony of banging and crashing and grunting...

....

...Maisy looked again.

Breathing heavily, but with a triumphant look on his face, Dirk climbed off of the tangled knot that was Glacia and walked over to the elves.

"So," he asked the sea of surprised and bemused faces, "what's next?"

As if on cue, the sound of a massive explosion tore through the ship like thunder, and the entire thing shook like a fresh jelly as a terrible force surged through it. Cries of fright rippled through the crowd of former prisoners as they staggered this way and that, trying to keep their balance on the rocking ship, and Dirk had to dig his Klausium hand into the side of the corridor to stay upright, buckling the metal in his grip. The elves themselves tumbled about like ninepins, screaming as they went, and even the Vulturites around went into a panic, dropping their weapons and scrambling away from the carnage.

And then, just to add even more to the confusion, alarms went off and lights started flashing.

"WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS GOING ON?!" Dirk screamed above the screaming of the pasengers and blaring of klaxxons. He didn't remember explosions being a part of the sabotage at all! Ruined food and escaped prisoners, yes, but not explosions! Okay, so he'd sent the Dalek down to disable the engines so that the ship couldn't chase after the escape pods, but-

...The Dalek.

The tannoy crackled on.

-------

"This is Dalek Krang of the 20th Skaro Battlefleet, speaking to all inferior life forms aboard the Nibirian vessel.

"The engine of this ship has been detonated, and it is now currently headed on an impact course with the planet Earth. Impact will occur in approximately forty-two Rels, and will destroy a significant amount of the lower levels of the vessel. All re-entry systems have been disabled - heat shields are offline and retro-rockets are incapable of motion. In addition, all landing gear has been sabotaged and will self-destruct if any attempts to engage it are made. Calculated survivor count of impact... zero.

"To summarize... you will all be exterminated!

"Initating Temporal Shift!"

*click*

-------

A horrible silence.

Nobody moved, nobody spoke. The Macra didn't chitter, the Grey didn't hiss, the llamas had stopped bickering. Apart from the screaming of the alarms and the panicked calls of the Vulturites as they lost their minds (as usual), there wasn't a sound. Everyone just sort of... stood there, unable to grasp what was happening, unsure of what to do.

Then Dirk felt a tugging on his chiton, and looked down. Merry was standing next to him, on the verge of breaking down, and the other elves were bunched behind him, also trying not to cry. It was a few horrible, pained seconds before he spoke, voice cracked with emotion.

"We're... we're going to die... aren't we?"

Dirk looked down at the blue eyes, shining with tears. At the faces and eyes and muzzles and god knows what else aimed at him. Some hopefully, some desparingly, some with no trace of emotion at all, some incapable of showing emotion for various reasons. Glacia's angry glare didn't count, because she probably deserved this, in his opinion. At the iron-gray walls that were rapidly becoming a death trap for everyone on board.

And saw nothing. Not a hope. They'd been so close, so close to getting away scott free, and now they were all going to die. All because Dirk had lost enough brain cells to trust a fucking Dalek with something.

But he couldn't bring himself to say it.

I need a miracle...

-------

Somewhere, somehow, his voice was heard.

And Arceus lifted his head and said: Let it be so.

-------

And that's when he felt it.

It was almost the same sensation as it had been on Lapulas - a warmth, starting as a faint glow in his core but spreading out like waves on an ocean. Only this time, as it grew within him from a murmer to a throb to a pulse, it didn't stop. It wasn't a seed this time, it was a well, a fountain that gushed heat and power that filled him like an empty bottle and it was leaking out of his mose and mouth, anywhere it could. But it was coming too fast, it was filling faster than it emptied and sparks were dancing off his fingers, and he thought he heard Merry say something but he seemed so far away-

And then he burst.

The light that filled the corridor was so great everyone had to shield their eyes. Even those who didn't have eyes, like the Quarks. And then came the voice, a voice that boomed loud enough to drown the sirens, but was still the same old cocky irish accent the elves knew.

"Right, then! Now that I'm conviniently a God, let's set about saving your arses! Get to the upper levels, you lot - I'll take care of this!"

A rush of warm wind, a beat of wing. And when the light died down and everyone could see again, Dirk was gone.

After a minute, they decided that standing around made them look rather stupid. And so they turned and headed for the elevators.

-------

The ship wasn't hard to miss. A huge lump of metal, descending from space at breakneck speeds, tends to be quite visible. And in the Manhattan skyline, it looked like a tidal wave of metal and fire, screaming down from the sky towards them. It's glow was conspicuous enough for some people to stop and look up at it, to point it out to each other and stop driving to observe it. The thought that it might impact with their fair city and decimate several square miles of land, as well as crushing them in a fiery inferno, never occured to them.

Many didn't even notice the shining light breaking out of it, swooping around in a circle to disappear into the flames again.

By the time anyone thought to start panicking, the ship was already slowing down in midair. So some didn't bother. Instead they watched, open-mouthed as, with the sound of protesting metal, the great disc began to swerve, changing it's course so that instead of careening headlong towards the city, it was now sort of lazily drifting towards the bay. Okay, sure, it came quite close to skimming the tops of skyscrapers, but after all the stuff the city had been through it would have been more amazing if it didn't.

It didn't so much land in the water as bellyflop. The waves it produced, whilst large, weren't anything to crow about in the grand scheme of things. But for three whole minutes, none of the coast guard or armed forces that moved in could get near for the steam that rose from it. You could have stuck a turkey in it and it would have roasted to perfection.

When they finally got the doors to open, they were very surprised indeed.

-------

"So," mused Dirk as he looked over the hustle and bustle of activity. "What's next?"

"Oh, the others will get home fine," chimed Merry. "The shuttles have enough fuel to get them back to their own galaxies, thanks to those kind military people!"

"And Lady Glacia?" Dirk squinted as he thought he saw the two llamas walk away from the gathering of soldiers and operatives, still bickering.

Punchy snickered behind one meaty fist. "On a one-way pod to Nibiru, with a warrant for her arrest and trial."

Dirk couldn't help but let a grin form on his face. "You sneaky bugger."

"I try."

A pause.

And then Dirk turned to look down on the elves, smiling hugely.

"Right," he cheerily exlaimed. "There's a big pile of presents at home with my name on it, and I've gotta get back in time to open them. So, if you don't mind..."

"Oh, not at all!" Merry's eyes twinkled with delight has he remembered. "We've got to be getting home ourselves - Mr. Kringle will be picking us up soon and taking us back to Lapulas!"

Dirk nodded. "Well, not gonna kep you waiting, then. See you around and all that." And with that, the Dark Angel turned and began the long walk back to-

"Mr. Dirk!"

Dirk paused, looked back and blinked. "Yes, Maisy- Oh."

He blinked again.

Then he knelt down, and Merry and Punchy flinched. But their expressions changed when the angel knelt down and, instead, whispered something into Maisy's ear. Whatever he said, it was enough for the elf to stiffen, and her ears turned a very visible red that surprised the other two. Then, without a word and only a small smile of amusement, Dirk stood up, turned around and resumed his walk homewards.

As he left, Punchy ambled up and tapped Maisy on the shoulder.

"Hey, Maisy. What did he say?"

Maisy turned to him, eyes wide and face like a tomato.

"He... He already has a girlfriend!"

--------

Walking back home, the Party Pavillion looming into view, Dirk looked up to the sky and smiled.

Thanks a bunch, Arceus.

~ YOU HAVE BEEN READING~

DIRKMAS 2: This Time It's Personal

A Zoofights Roleplay Side-Story

Inspired by Doctor Who, Dragon Ball Z Abridged and Some Other Shit

Written by Steel Komodo

 

~WITH THE VOICE TALENTS OF~

 

ANTONIO DEL RIO as Dirk Angelos

 

ELIJAH WOOD as Merry Elf

 

JOHN C. REILY as Punchy Elf

 

KAT STEEL as Maisy Elf

 

ANNE HATHAWAY as Lady Glacia

 

JIM CUMMINGS as Commander Varn the Vulturite

 

FRANK WELKER as the Macra, the Predator and the Grey

 

JASON STEELE as Paul and Carl the Llamas

 

and introducing NICHOLAS BRIGGS as the voice of Dalek Krang

 

and DEIMOS THE TAURIAN as himself

 

~FEATURING THE FOLLOWING MUSIC~

 

"Dare" by Stan Bush

 

"The Daleks" by Murray Gold

 

"Here Comes Trouble" from Banjo-Tooie by Grant Kirkhope

 

"The A-Team Theme"  by Mike Post, Pete Carpenter & The Daniel Caine Orchestra

 

"Crisis" from Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 2 by Takanori Arima

 

"The Long Song" by Murray Gold

 

"O Come All Ye Faithful" by Twisted Sister

 

"Party Hard" by Andrew WK

 

~ THANKS FOR READING!~

 

 ~MERRY CHRISTMAS!~