"As a matter of fact, she is, Dad. Is there a problem with that?"
"Well, as a matter of fact-"
"Oh, I see where this is going. Just because I have robot arms, I'm leeching off of taxpayer's money or some conservative bullshit like that."
"Well, I can't exactly picture you working for them, lady."
"I'll have you know I was on the streets for most of my life! How I got my arms is none of your business!"
"Yeah, Dad, cut her some slack! She's had a rough time!"
"Oh, so my millionaire actor son thinks it's fine to go dating cyber hobos rather than oil barons! What are you, Tony Stark?"
"You can't even draw the-
...I smell Pipe. Mom, are you high?!"
"Well, my teenage son is wearing a fancy suit, there's a girl with swiss army knives for arms at the table and Reggie's juggling with his feet! You tell me, kiddo, whoo-hoo~"
"What-ho! Look out, the Jerrys are about! Man the lifeboats!"
"...Your family is weird, Pit."
"Hello, Miss Aurora, I'm the kettle you just called black. And more the point, son - surely as your parents we should be seeing some of that money coming in to support us."
"Oh, come on! I just sent you a cheque for £500'000! Isn't that enough?!"
"That's all very well, but we need to be thinking in the long-term if you're going to be blowing all that money on base-jumping from jet planes and absailing down volcanoes-"
"That was one time!"
"Take no notice of him, Aurora dear, he's just being pedan-"
So, Thanksgiving is coming up for you Americans. And as well all know, Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of year where you get to see all your friends and family and stuff yourselves silly with rich food until you can barely move. But most importantly, it's that time of year where you take a step back and re-examine the things you take for granted so you can appreciate them better. Things like poorly-written yet insanely epic tales about an orange lasagna-loving cat beating up the British monarchy. Which I don't blame him for, really - our monarchy kinda sucks.
So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, and also as a result of some delusional mind-fever brought about by our Chatzy conversations, I give you this thing which I spent way too long in writing. Hopefully it's faithful to the style of ShakespeareHemmingway's original Garfield tales, because I literally cannot bring myself to write like this ever again. Even for the sake of tribute or parody. I mean, I'm probably going to have to try and re-learn my original writing style after this, because I may have forgotten how to write well during this thing.
Here goes.
-------
It was dark stormy night in Hell. Fire leapt from spouts of darkness as lava and pitch pubbled in pools for tormenting of wicked souls. All throughout dark caverns sinful souls howled with agony as demons tormented them with sharp forks and poles.
In dark throne room of hell three figures had gathered for plotting. They wore heavy cloaks and hoods for concealing so no-one would recognize them.
"So we all agree, we are sick of dealing with his so-called manliness," Said one figure with leadership.
"Yes, he is threat to evil all over world, not even M.Bison was able to stop him," Shouted second figure with shaking of fist.
"I have score to settle with stupid orange cat, this plan cannot be failing," Cackled third figure with dastardliness.
"Then it is settled," said first figure with determination, and three figures put hands together for evil alliance as they shouted into air with dark anger.
"GARFIELD MUST DIE!!!"
Garfield was at home in high security training room. He was punching bag made of iron with fists of fury.
"The metal of this bag is no match for the metal of my bones," Quipped Garfield with cleverness as he punched bag with mighty fists splitting it open. The bag was full of lasagna and Garfield quickly ate all of it like real man.
"A true man like me works for his meals," Said Garfield with philosophy.
Just then Jon Arbuckle came in with emergency news.
"Garfield I has important news, there is mysterious package lying outside with mysteriousness," Said Jon Arbuckle with worryings.
"Do not be sobbing like baby, I will investigate," Said Garfield with consolings.
Garfield left training room with great speed and went to front door. Outside was mysterious package with no label, wrapped up in chains made of adamantium and diamond. With lightning speed Garfield ripped open chains as if they were made of paper but package was empty.
"What is this?" Roared Garfield with angry voice as he put paw inside package for searchings.
Suddenly swirling black portal opened up and Garfield was sucked inside. Evil laughter came from package with rumblings like thunder as package closed shut.
"This is terrible, I must be finding help!" Cried Jon Arbuckle with fear. Jon Arbuckle boarded his jet and took off with maximum burn for finding help.
Meanwhile Garfield had fallen into dark slumber, but like real man he soon woke up. Garfield awoke to find himself in massive cage for imprisonment surrounded by moat of lava. Awful demons flew above Garfield with pitchforks and firey breath and laughed at our hero with tauntings.
"WHAT IS THIS TREACHERY?!" Bellowed Garfield with ragings as he punched bars of cage with mighty fists. Garfield punched with strength of true man but cage did not break or bend.
Suddenly laughter of great evil rang through dark room. As Garfield looked around he saw three dark figures standing at edge of moat with mysteriousness.
"They call you a true man Garfield, yet you cannot break out of simple cage? This is funniness!" Said one figure with insults.
"Stop your coward sniveling and show me your faces," Demanded Garfield with anger.
The three figures then suddenly tore off their hoods with dramatic revealings. It was Bowser Hitler and Satan!
"THIS CANNOT BE!" Cried Garfield with horror. He thought he had beaten Hitler many years ago with triumph, but here Hitler was again with new evil Nazi schemes! How could this be so?
"We are tired of losing to you all the time, so we have brought you into Hell for final test of your manliness," Roared Bowser with mocking.
"We have made with genius the most terrible obstacle course known to man or beast, not even you can traverse it and live," Cackled Hitler with vengeance.
"And once you are dead, I shall take over whole planet and become absolute ruler! All men will bow to my power!" Howled Satan with triumph.
The three villains laughed with evil as they vanished into shadows like ghosts. Cage door unlocked and swung open for to become bridge over lava moat. Garfield sat in cage with stunned horror, but real man does not feel fear for long and like real man Garfield soon recovered.
"These cowards want to do away with me like piece of trash, they are scared to face real man. They have dealt their hand, now I must play mine," Mused Garfield with thoughts.
Garfield stood up and walked out of his cage for manly heroism, he would not let Bowser, Hitler and Satan get away with insulting words. Cage bars were now white-hot from heat but Garfield was not flinching and walked across with no problem.
"They think they have me caught like a mouse, but they will find they have caught a man," Declared Garfield with bravery.
Meanwhile, Jon Arbuckle was flying in jet across oceans and oceans looking for help.
"I have to keep looking, it is the only way I can help Garfield," Said Jon Arbuckle with determination.
Soon Jon Arbuckle flew higher and higher until he was higher than tallest clouds. Jon Arbuckle did not stop and kept flying higher until he was near edge of space and all the land was small like ant beneath him. Soon Jon Arbuckle saw great flying spaceship shaped like horse hovering in sky and knew he had found whom he was seeking.
"The Space Stallions are being old friends of Garfield. They are the only ones who can help," Said Jon Arbuckle with bravery as he flew faster and faster towards mighty spaceship. Spaceship grew bigger and bigger but Jon Arbuckle did not slow down and jet crashed through front door with radical explosion.
"Hope they don't mind gate crashers," Quipped Jon Arbuckle with cleverness.
Jon Arbuckle then parked his jet in hangar with skill and climbed out just as the Space Stallions came in for invesigations. They were Sun Ray, Ion Ray, X-Ray and Optica.
"Who are you and why have you broken our nice new door?" Demanded Ion Ray with angry words.
"I am Jon Arbuckle, and I need your help. Surely you remember Garfield?" Asked Jon Arbuckle with concern.
"Garfield? He was being my best friend in high school! What has happened?" Cried Sun-Ray with worrying.
"Did you not sense it? Garfield was kidnapped with evil intentions, we must find him!" Cried Jon Arbuckle with explanations.
"Not Garfield! I have always ached for his macho charm and now he is in danger!" Wailed Optica with sorrow.
"We must waste no time, Mother Mustang is telling me Garfield was taken to Hell," Roard X-Ray with revelations.
"But I cannot go there, my jet does not go underground," Said Jon Arbuckle with worryings.
"You will not need jet, the only transport we need is our iron wills," Said Sun Ray with manly leadership.
Jon Arbuckle and Space Stallions walked out of hangar and onto deck of mighty space ship. The air was being cold like arctic winter but Jon did not complain for he did not want to seem like weak baby. As they walked onto deck with purpose Sun Ray gave Jon Arbuckle talisman with magical powers.
"You will need this, it is the only way we are getting into Hell," Said Sun Ray with helpfulness.
Jon Arbuckle took talisman and put it around his neck. Suddenly Jon Arbuckle felt as if he were made of hardest metals and did not feel cold at all. Jon Arbuckle and Space Stallions walked to edge of deck for jumping.
"To get to darkest depths, you must first jump from heighest hights," Quipped Jon Arbuckle with manliness.
"Now you are being like true man," Said Ion Ray with encouraging.
Space Stallions and Jon Arbuckle linked hands with bravey. Then with mighty shout of "AMAKOOOOOOOO" all five leapt from deck of mighty spaceship for base jumping! They fell for many hours through cold of space to Earth but did not feel cold. Then they entered atmosphere and began glowing with firey re-entry heat but did not feel pain. They fell faster and faster with hastenings for to reach Garfield before evil villains won terrible battle.
Meanwhile Garfield was walking through Hell with intentions to face dastardly villains. The road to obstacle course was many thounsands of miles long and full of sharp stones but Garfield was not fazed. Evil demons flew down and whipped Garfield with whips for tormenting but Garfield was real man and did not feel pain.
"You will never win Garfield. Our master is too strong and obstacle course is most evil known to man," Laughed demons with mockery.
"Even evil must bow to true man eventually," Retorted Garfield with heroism.
Soon Garfield came to evil obstacle course for final battle. Obstacle Course was full of terrible traps and horrendous hazards for killing and torment and monsters roamed path with hunger! On far side of obstacle course was Bowser and Hitler sitting in thrones for watching.
"I designed this course myself for Mario, you can never pass through it," Roared Bowser with gloating.
"I hear turtle soup is on menu tonight,," Said Garfield with threats. Garfield glared at Bowser with intentions and Bowser fell silent with fear.
"Enough of your talking, it is time for dying," Shouted Hitler with demands.
Garfield stood up like man and began to walk through first part of obstacle course. There were many spikes for skewering and lava pits for burning but Garfield was not fazed and walked across without pain. There ware also many fireballs leaping out of lava but Garflield did not feel pain anf kept on walking until he had reached other side of course.
"WHAT IS THIS?!" Roared Bowser in disbelief.
"Did you not pay attention in evil school? Man muscles are fireproof," Quipped Garfield with triumph.
"SILENCE! You will be going through second part of course now!" Shrieked Hitler with impatience.
Garfield walked towards second part of course which was giant black pit more than fifty miles wide. The pit was full of giant demon snakes which squirmed and hissed with hunger and vengeance. On one side of pit was cape feather for jumping across.
"Cape feathers are for sissies and girls," said Garfield with witticisms as he leapt across pit in single bound. Demon snakes rose up from pit for attacking but Garfield grabed every single one and tied them in knots for silencing.
"Looks like you're tied up for a while," quipped Garfield with cleverness as he landed on other side of pit.
"NO-ONE HAS BEFORE CROSSED EVIL PIT," Cried Bowser with terror. Bowser began to sweat like roast turkey and hid behind throne with cowardice.
"You have done well Garfield but you go no further. This is where you die!" Laughed Hitler with ominousness.
"Have you not learned from last fight? I beat you once before and I will beat you again like Nazi child," Retorted Garfield with bravery.
"Get him you fools!" Ordered Hitler to monsters.
At evil Nazi command monsters all ran at Garfield for fighting. Many chain chomps rushed at Garfield but were beaten back by manly fists of fury. Many Nazi soldiers also shot at Garfield but manly muscles deflected bullets.
"Get along little doggie," Quipped Garfield with cleverness as he picked up chain chomp and threw it at Nazi soldiers with manliness. Chain chomp hit Nazis like bowling ball and sent them scattering like ninepins into lava for burning death.
"Perfect strike as always," Said Garfield with satisfaction.
Bowser could not stay in room with true man any longer. Bowser leapt from behind throne and begann running out of room with cowardly shrieking.
"Do not be running away from justice," Said Garfield as he drew his Desert Eagle and shot Bowser in head with perfect aim. Bowser fell to ground with blood pouring from hole in head, dying with instantaneousness. Suddenly, Hitler stood in Garfield's way for challenging.
"Bowser was always being a coward. Your fight is with me and I shall have my vengeance!" Shrieked Hitler with rage as he tore off cloak to reveal cyborg body of Nazi evil.
Garfield looked at Hitler with eyes of seeing and spoke with words of saying.
"You are still a glutton for punishment. But do not be worrying, for punishment is fifty percent off," Garfield said as he raised his two fists for fighting.
Suddenly Hitler's eyes began glowing red with evil. As Garfield watched with horror, lighting cracked with power as Hitler's hair began turning gold with absolute power. Hitler was not only being a cyborg but he was also being Super Saiyan!
"Foolish cat! Satan made me a Super Saiyan Cyborg for purpose of defeating you!" Thundered Hitler with triumph.
Garfield lunged at Hitler for fighting and punched with manly might. Fists of fury pounded at Hitler with lighting speed but Hitler did not fall!
"WHAT." Roard Garfield with disbelief.
"Now prepare to die!" Laughed Hitler with triumph as he charged at Garfield for fighting. For first time Garfield felt pain as Hitler punched with mighty iron fists and kicked with mighty iron feet. Hitler kicked Garfield into sky then teleported behind with power to punch Garfield down into mountainside. Hitler then shot at Garfield with wrist-mounted chainguns and energy blasters with shooting, and Garfield was buried by mountainside.
"It is over Garfield! You have finally lost to me!" Shrieked Hitler with winning.
"It is never over as long as true men like me still walk the planet. You will not get away with this," Spat Garfield with hatred.
"I already have! Now die!" Hitler roared as he raised his arms. Mighty Death Ball glowed in Hitler's hands with power and began to grow with great speed.
Suddenly familiar voice was heard by all.
"AMAKOOOOOOOO."
It was Jon Arbuckle base jumping from edge of sky with Space Stallions. They broke through crust of Earth with eagle speed and had arrived in Hell for final confrontation. Ion Ray swung his hammer with power and knocked Death Ball from Hitler's hands as X-Ray used laser power to stun Hitler with paralysis.
"WHAT." Cried Hitler with outrage.
"Quickly! We must give Garfield power to defeat Hitler!" Cried Sun Ray with leadership.
Jon Arbuckle took out lasagna guitar and began playing rocking awesome guitar solo with riffs. Sun Ray transformed his sword into epic keytar and began playing epic keytar melody with support. Jon Arbuckle and Sun Ray played epic song for giving Garfield power, and song they played was:
"Oh Babe when I see your eyes It is making my pants rise The feeling is out of control From my lovin there is no parole
Love Is Lasagna Food that is Feeding my soul Love Is Lasagna It is not no casserole
Oh Babe I am at the end of my ropes I want to taste your sweet cantaloupes Your body is buffet of desire In bedroom I will never tire
Love is Lasagna We will be melting like Mozzarella cheese Love is Lasagna My appetite only you can appease
Oh babe you are delicious like lasagna feast I will devour your body whole like beast Lonely Man Walking Lonely Path Alone Now we are together all night we will moan
Love is Lasagna One serving is never enough Love is Lasagna You are knowing I like it rough
Love is Lasagna Soft and gooey give me one more slice Love is Lasagna I will be taking you to paradise"
Mountanside shook with power as metal and keytar music flowed through Garfield with strength. With mighty punch, Garfield emerged from rubble with heroic pose and glowing fur.
"My kind of song. Thank you Sun Ray old friend, you were being just in time," Said Garfield with thanks.
"Not a problem Garfield, anything for true man," Said Sun Ray with happiness.
"WHAT IS THIS." Shrieked Hitler with terror.
Garfield leapt into sky with jump jet speed and grabbed Hitler with manly strength. Hitler shook and squired like jelly worm but Garfield was not letting go.
"Time to take you for a spin," Quipped Garfield with wit as he spun Hitler around with one arm. Garfield spun Hitler faster and faster with speed and was not slowing down.
"Stop, Garfield! I am feeling like windmill," Cried Hitler with defeat.
"You have been going stale, old friend. Like I said, I prefer Nazis well done," Said Garfield with final as he threw Hitler down into boiling lava.
"NOOOOOOO" Cried Hitler with pain as he splashed into lava and was burned with heat.
"Oh Garfield, I was so worried for your rugged good looks! Are you alright?" Cried Optica with relief as she embraced Garfield with loving.
"I am alright, my cosmic chickpea. It takes more than fire and spikes to dent a real man," Consoled Garfield with casualness.
Suddenly great fire appeared in middle of room. It was Satan carrying decorated lasagna cake for apologies.
"You really are true man Garfield, I see I was wrong to challenge you," Said Satan with apologies as he gave lasagna cake to Garfield.
"You are worthy opponent Satan, we should be doing this again," Said Garfield with laughter as he took gift with thanking.
"But I could never have defeated Hitler without helping. Thank you all for coming with speed," said Garfield with thanks.
"It is no problem, Garfield. Now, let us go home to be celebrating," Said Jon Arbuckle with cheer.
"And we must be having a celebration of our own, Garfield. I have been away from your manliness for too long," said Optica with seduction.
"Very well, I will be making you scream to the stars," Said Garfield with winking.
And so Satan created another portal that took our heroes back home with speed. There was many partying with happiness, and Garfield cut lasagna cake for sharing. Then Garfield and Optica went to Garfield's room for to make sweet lovings. As nights came into evenings they made love like bees make honey sweet gooey and full of nutrition.
The end...?
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Ugh. This actually hurt to write, and no-one is more glad to get this over with than I am. In fact, I don't bl;ame you if you decide to hate me for writing this thing. But I hope you appreciate it for what it's trying to be - a gift from a nerdy Brit to his nerdy American friends for a holiday he doesn't celebrate because he's British. Now, if you excuse me, I need to apply for English courses in order to recover before filing a patent for Super Saiyan Cyber Hitler.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to The Monster Mash 199X! You've tuned in just in time to learn all about our second clash of collosal creatures!
We'll be frank, sports fans - sometimes, we at GaiaCorp get a little short-changed. Funding gets tightened up, workers are demotivated despite being able to mess about with the fabric of life itsef and we end up with a lack of imagination being thrown about. The monsters on display tonight are kind of a product of these motivational and financial slumps - they don't have firey breath or crystal skin or anything like that. But never let it be said we don't make the best of what we have, and the upcoming battle we have planned is designed to do just that! Tonight, seemingly ordinary supersized animals show they're anything but as they duke it out for the right to become the true King of Monsters! And it's all happening right here in THE MEGA MELEE IN MALIBU! IN THE BLUE CORNER...
We're not exactly sure when India suddenly became a world superpower. But we know exactly how they did it - the sudden spread of a wild new religion like orange juice spilling on the kitchen counter. And the creed of the newly formed Indian Vatican revolves around one deity in particular. A giagantic serpent that hides in the darkest jungles of the subcontinent and devours sinners and naughty children. A god that can judge your soul by looking at you. A living, breathing incarnation of Yin and Yang - hatched in GaiaCorp's labs under the name of Raja the MEGA PYTHON!
So yeah,
the Indians have this really weird thing about snakes.
On the one hand, they’re the children of God who wound themselves around the baby
Jesus to keep him warm. On the other hand, they’re demons who
suck the souls out of bad children and live in dark forests – it’s complicated.
But when they asked us to make a really big snake, we didn’t argue with them,
especially when they had an entire nation of hitmen at their beck and call.
This isn’t just a big snake – it’s a perfect fusion of reticulated python and Titanoboa DNA, a hybrid of proportions
so massive you need an entire fleet of helicopters to carry it about. The fuel
costs for those trips are abominable, trust us.
We're not kidding about the size, either - Mega Python reaches an impressive length of 21 metres (69 feet), longer than his ancestors, and has the kind of gape that could swallow a subway train whole. As a constrictor, his coils deliver impressive crushing strength to anything caught between them, and his teeth are also capable of inflicting nasty damage. He's at home in both the water and on the land, and cam move with lighting speed when needed. That said, like Dinoshark before him, Mega Python doesn't like the cold, and unlike Dinoshark he needs to breath air, so staying underwater for extended periods is taxing for him. But still, this is one snake you don't want Steve Irwin to meet.
IN THE RED CORNER...
Oh, America. What can you say about them that hasn't already been said? Well, you can say they're trying to improve, after the whole martial law debacle that resulted in the Arbiters. You could also say that they're kind of an empire now, since Canada and Alaska no longer exist on the map. And you could say that they really, really don't want anyone else finding out about their oil supplies off the coast and nicking the stuff for themselves. It takes a special kind of watchdog to keep an eye on the country's coastline, and that just so happens to be Tiburon the MEGA SHARK!
Okay, this is gonna be awkward - what do you do when messing around with prehistoric shark genes suddenly creates this thing? Because that's what happened to us, and so we kinda gave it to the American Empire on the off-chance they neded a giant fuck-off shark, and like typical Americans they said yes. But the thing is, this isn't your ordinary ressurected Megalodon - we think there might be some lungfish and barracuda in there. We honestly weren't paying attention when we were mixing up the culture dishes on that day. But Mega Shark just sounds so much more impressive than "Mega-Mish-Mash-of-Fish", doesn't it?
At 16 metres, (53 feet) Mega Shark may be shorter in length than Mega Python, but size isn't a problem here. See, the shark's main weapon is it's massive mouth, full of teeth around 180 millimetres (1.7 inches) in length, designed for slicing through flesh in one bite. The creature also has unusually durable skin for a seagoing creature, and thanks to the lungfish DNA we may or may not have accidentally mixed in, it can crawl on land for short spaces of time. That said, it can't actually stay on land for long, and it has the rather unfortunate problem all sharks have - it literally suffocates if it stays still for too long, as it has to keep moving to breathe.
THE ARENA
As the title suggests, we're holding this fight on the shores of Malibu. It's still the ever popular tourist destination it was, but it's kind of suffering from civil war problems at the moment, meaning a lot of people have ended up building ramshackle slum villages after government forces wrecked their old homes. Still, that means we should get some nice flying debris as the two monsters duke it out, and maybe you might be able to snap a commemorative picture of the event just before you and your family get flattened. It'll be the best holiday of your life, trust us.
And now, sports fans - who will walk away victorious? The Sacred Serpent with a crushing embrace and a hunger for naughty children? The Cruel Charcharodon with serrated teeth and bewilderingly inexplicable air-breathing powers? Cast your bets now, folks, because sharkfin soup and snake steaks are on special offer when you bet over $500!
Greetings, sports fans from around the globe! You've tuned in just in time, for tonight is the world premiere of The Monster Mash 199X, and the first match is just about to begin! The skys are sufficiently dark and clouded over, the sea is choppy and full of unstable volcanoes and two Oceanic Overlords about to duke it out in an underwater brawl for the honour of their country and your entertainment! That's right - it's time for...
This is Connor Hardy, offical commentator of The Monster Mash, reporting to you live from over the Pacific Ocean as it happens...
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Section K. It's the one part of the Pacific Ocean where sailors fear to sail, where swimmers fear to swim and fishermen fear to - yeah, you get the idea. Like a jelly that's still umming and ahing over the whole settling in the dish thing, the floor of this particular stretch of sea is constantly shifting and breaking apart, splitting open in some places and bulging in others. The net result is a boiling cauldron of superheated water and obsidian corals that occasionaly bears witness to spectacular underwater volcanoes bursting like the acne-filled spots of a nervous teenager preparing for his first date, and the sea floor is littered with the corpses of noble vessels that were caught in the churning, frothing malestrom of such an eruption. It is no place for any sensible sailor.
Yet it is here that the sight of a mighty face-off is occuring, takiing up an area of at least sixteen Olympic stadiums or more. A bubbling mass of storm-beaten ocean is encapsulated in a ring of mighty ships, each of them specialy designed to weather the foul conditions of this dreaded patch of water. On the one side, the sleek white fishing boats of Sakana Co., the Second Japanese Empire's most profitable fishing company to date. On the other, the gunmetal grey hulks that comprise the New United Kingdom's finest naval Dreadnaughts, spewing black smoke from their chimneys. The opposing fleets are as contrasting as the countries they serve - a rutheless, war-hungry monarchy against a stifling utopia of captialism and cutesy catgirl mascots.
But the ships have not gathered here to make Section K a battleground. No, their unusual formation is for a different reason entirely - it's to grant them the best views of the spectavle that is about to unfold here in the name of high ratings and global publicity.
On the deck of the Dako Maru, the fastest of Sakana Co.'s fishing boats, the lanky yet scarred form of Admiral Tetsuo Yamamoto raises a hand to the microphone strapped to the side of his head. At the same time, on the control bridge of HMS Hyperion, the oldest ship in Britain's command, Admiral Arthur Winbledon Ponsby Jr. III brushes his bushy mustache aside and turns to his officers.
"Begin."
The Hyperion's prow cranks open like the gaping maw of some iron Hippo With An Eating Disorder on the rampage, and a roaring black shape plunges into the heaving black water. At the same time, a bow wave surges up behind the Dako Maru, reavling a glimpse of mottled orange flesh before diving down beneath the ship to enter the ring of waiting boats.
Hope you have your popcorn ready, sports fans...
-------
Beneath the turbulent waves, bulging yellow eyes squint as Daidako the Giant Octopus peers through waters made murky by disturbed silt and columns of black smoke spewed by the earth itself. The mammoth mollusc is all too familiar with this territory - it is one of the few places where the megashoals regularly gather after the spawning season, thus providing a bounty for the fishing boats above it. It's hyper-advanced brain flips through carefully-sorted memories of herding the multicoloured masses of fish like some great sheepdog of the sea, corralling the shoals with it's tentacles for it's human masters to scoop up in their nets. It's a place of work, and also a place of danger for the unprepared and unwary.
But this is not the time for reminiscing. The colossal cephalopod knows why it is here, and it's mutant mind is geared for what it is to come. There is an interloper in these waters, something horrible dredged up from ancient times, trying to lay claim to the position of apex predator in this patch of ocean. A challenge that cannot go unignored. And Giant Octopus knows that before this day is out, either it or this intruder will be sinking to the bottom of the ocean as a bloodied corpse, to be claimed by the raging volcanoes beneath or to join the wreckage of lost ships as food for the hagfish. It will be a long and difficult battle, but Japan's Greatest Mascot thinks he can do it.
It continues to swim forward, tentacles trailing behind it like supersized streamers, eyes scanning the water. But the visibility of the water is abysmal - the clouds of volcanic smoke make it murky as all fuck, and the constant rumble of cracking, shifting earth and the occasional ship breaking apart makes it difficult for Daidako to hear the telltale swish of water that would betray an opponent.
So it doesn't notice the multi-ton missile of scales and flesh until it rams it from below and sends it bowling through the ocean.
Centurion the Dinoshark is, to be blunt, fucking bewildered. This is not the ocean it remembers. The niggling little voice that forms racial memories speaks of clear, sunlight waters teeming with tasty food and possibly attractive mates, of long migrations to far-flung coral reefs and chases after shoals of primitive dolphins. But after the indignity of being shut up in a stifling black box and uncerimoniously thrown out of it again, it's trapped in a near-opaque mass of boiling smoke and cracking, glowing earth with nary a fish or coral in sight. So when it caught the scent of prey in the water, the prehistoric predator latched onto that like a goddamned lifeline attached to a rubber ring and followed it through the murky waters until it caught the flash of orange. And it went for it.
But a snarl of frustration escapes the saurian swimmer as it's teeth miss the octopus' juicy flesh by mere millimetres, armoured head merely shoving the mollusc aside like a speeding truck casually knocking a people carrier aside as it speeds down the motorway. With a beat of it's tail, Britain's Triassic contender banks through the boiling water to face it's intended foe, beady eyes locked onto the insidious inverterbrate as it readies itself for another body-breaking charge. What it finds is that, despite the scours in it's jelly-like body from the sharp scales, Daidako has already twisted to face the reptillain intruder, tentacles spread wide in a classic "come at me bro" gesture. Now that the mammoth mollusc has found its enemy, it's not going to become calamari so easily.
Dinoshark and Giant Octopus charge.
The next thing the watchers on the ships know, the water explodes like a birthday cake when it suddenly decides to vomit up the stripper your dorm mates all poured their savings into hiring. But the sight before the two admirals of the opposing countries is anything but alluring - two primeval forces of natures locked together in a bitter struggle, writhing in midair as they try to gain purchase on each other. Then, with the played-out slow-motion glory those fucking Matrix films have instilled into the mainstream media, the oceanic overlords topple back into the ocean, sending up a billow of spray and a mighty wave that rocks fighing ship and dreadnaught alike, causing their commanders to stagger and clutch at the supports to stop themselves going overboard.
Beneath the waves, it's like what one would get if one decides to hold an anti-gravity wrestling match in the middle of a nuclear war. The two monsters roll and revolve in the churning, boiling water, each seeking the leverage they need to get the advantage over the other. The Dinoshark has it's jaws locked around the midsection of the mollusc's body, fangs dangerously close to an eye, but it's razor-sharp teeth can't get a better grip on the spongy flesh. The Giant Octopus, meanwhile, has got the triassic tyrant in a deathgrip with it's tentacles, but it's beak is unable to find a chink in the armoured hide. The two beasts have reached a stalemate, and all around them the ocean itself rages along to the force of their battle.
But Centurion is blinded with anger and bloodlust, his primitive brain shouting kill kill kill over and over like a passive-agressive broken record, and in his throes of rage he has left himself open. Despite the pain from the teeth in his face and the scales cutting into his limbs, Daidako is quick to notice that the British behemoth has had to twist it's neck around in order to get the correct bite angle to hold on, leaving the tender throat exposed. And it's that exposre that the Japanese contender quickly takes advantage of - with the speed of a coked-up cheetah on energy drinks that only a human-octopus hybrid can achieve, a tentacle quickly winds itself around the saurian seagoer's neck and tightens.
The Dinoshark chokes in surprise as it's air supply is cut off, and it releases it's grip on the oversized octopus' body as it writhes to get free. Fatal mistake - the next thing that happens is that Daidako quickly adjusts it's grip, changing position to mount itself on the reptile's back and wind several more tentacles around the frantically snapping jaws. A gargling roar comes as the prehistoric predator find's it's entire mouth being forced even wider open - the mammoth mollusc is trying to pull a King Kong and snap Centurion's jaw in two, ending the conflict as soon as it started.
Viewing the conflict through their shaky, static-filled underwater cameras, the two opposing countries reaction's could not be more different. On the one hand, the Japanese fishermen are whooping with glee and high-fiving, esctatic that their mollusc mascot is literally snatching victory from the jaws of defeat. On the other, the British naval forces watch apprehensively, quietly begging their saurian superweapon to pull through and give that confounded octopus what for. At least a decade of miliraty pride is riding on Centurion's victory - to lose now would be a disgrace to the might of Mother Britannia, and bloody embarrasing as well.
Centurion bucks and struggles, desperate for oxygen. Daidako clings on, tightening it's grip. The volcanic terrain roars and belches fire as if revelling in the sheer primeval anger in their combat. The moment is so tense one could cut it with a knife.
The tension is broken with a sudden wet tearing noise.
If the Giant Octopus could scream with pain, it would. All it can do, however, is widen it's eyes as the Dinoshark reveals that a predator's brain does not mean stupidity, but hidden bestial cunning. With a mighty wrench, the seagoing saurian has snapped it's mouth closed, fanged maw biting through the ensaring limbs that held it's mouth open and ripping them from their sockets like a fat man ripping the crust from his favourite takeaway pizza. Reeling from the pain, the mammoth mollusc reflexively releases it's grip, and the triumphant reptile speeds away into the murky waters, gulping down it's meaty prize and leaving it's foe to trail blood as it hangs in the water from shock.
On the Dako Maru, Tetsuo groans with frustration as his fishermen curse with rage, calling Centurion the worst epiphets their native tongue can conjure. On the HMS Hyperion, Arthur breaths a sigh of relief as his officers cheer for their prehistoric pugilist, with equal amounts of racist insults thrown at Daidako.
Under the water, Daidako quickly recovers from the shock of the attack. Blood trickes into the water from the ripped tentacles as the collosal cephalopod twists this way and that in the water, bulging eyes seeking out the British Behemoth and pay it back for disarming it in such a backhanded manner. But again, what with all the choking columns of smoke and flashes of volcanic activity, it's like trying to find a flatmate in the middle of a dry-ice rave and your phone just ran out of battery. The Japanese contendor knows Centurion could be anywhere, hidden within the smoky water, and it twists in every concievable direction in search of it's foe, eyes rolling madly as it tries to find the reptile.
The blow comes from below.
The next thing that happens is pain. Pain beyond the genetically-enhanced mollusc's whildest nightmares as the Dinoshark's tooth-studded maw locks around the bulging head. Blood spurts into the water as the teeth punch through the soft flesh almost to the brain, and then the world blurs as the seagoing saurian shakes it's captive back and forth like a dog worrying an old ball that was last year's big Christmas present. Of all the things the Giant Octopus would have been ready for, actuvely using the smoke vents to camoflague yourself was something he, strangely enough, didn't prepare for. Maybe we didn't use enough human stem cells...
Then a lurch, and the mammoth mollusc is launched from Centurion's mouth, careening through the bloing water until it hits something with a brain-shaking crunch. The Japanese contender has been thrown into the side of a wrecked whaling ship - one of the many unfortunate victims of Section K's rampant volcanic activity - and the impact has just bent the thing almost in half, cradling the stunned sea monster like a giagantic iron taco. Which is just as well, for the entire thing is balanced precariously on a ridge, and a cursory glance down reveals a massive fissure, growing wider by the second and spewing lava and fire as though the planet's had one vindaloo special too many from the local takeaway.
Roaring in triumph, Centurion beats his tail and streaks towards his downed foe, jaws agape. His nostrils are full of blood and his tongue tastes victory, which tastes a lot like deep-fried calamari. The Giant Octopus's eyes widen in horror as the prehistoric predator speeds out of the gloom, and his eyes dar this way and that in search of some way to turn the tide of the battle. But between his own aching body and the flaming chasm below him, it seems impossible to escape from the inevitable crunching.
Both armardas watch as Britain's Greatest Weapon speeds towards Japan's Greatest Mascot...
BOOM HEADSHOT
With lightning reflexes that would make an Olympic athelete rend his shirt in weeping jealousy, Daidako rips a harpoon cannon from the deck of the whaler and pulls on the firing mechanism. By a complete fluke, the cannon still functions - and the razor-sharp projectile hurls itself through the water and punches through Centurion's skull as if it were paper, punching a neat hole right through the reptile's brain.
Open mouthed, an expression of shock in it's clouding eyes, the corpse of the Dinoshark stalls in the water, blood puring from it's parted jaws. And as the British scream with rage on their boats and pull their moustaches off, their recently-deceased champion slowly sinks into the gaping maw of Section K, engulfed utterly by the firey eruption that surges forth to consume not only the reptile, but the wrecked whaler as well.
In severe pain, all three hearts beating on overdrive from adrenaline but nontheless relieved, Daidako speeds away from the conflagration to join it's masters, who at this very moment nare throwing a party in honour of their finest fisherman this side of the Pacific.
WINNER: GIANT OCTOPUS!
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Woah, what a fight that was, Sports Fans! Rest assured that more astounding brawls will be forthcoming as Round 1 continues, with more exciting entries from all over the world! Those who were brave enough to bet, go collect your winnings from your local betting booth, and don't forget to check out our licensed Daidako merchandise from your local retailers, in honour of our first victor!
Tune in next time for THE MEGA MELEE IN MALIBU, where a whole lot of tourists get chomped and a whole lot of slum villages get flattened, only on THE MONSTER MASH!
Sports fans one and all from around the globe, you can not be ready for the first fight of The Monster Mash 199X!
Here at GaiaCorp, we understand the importance of animal-based tusseling in mainstream television and the daily lives of our viewers. But recent customer surveys have shown that there has been a dramaic rise in interest for nautical battles. You, the public, crave the awe-inspiring sight of two mighty monsters of the deep struggling for supremacy! The swoosh of water, the flash of a fin or flipper, billowing blood clouds and the melancholy sight of a once-proud beast drifting to the bottom of the ocean as a limp, lifeless corpse! And who are we to argue with our public? A bunch of morally-questionable PhD-wavers, that's who! And so, because you fine folks demanded it, here come the contestants of our first match: THE PUNCH-UP IN THE PACIFIC! IN THE BLUE CORNER...
The New United Kingdom is under constant siege by sea.
It's rapid expansion to devour frozen Denmark, the entirety of Old Ireland and
the nuclear-war-demolished France have earned it a grand list of enemies, most
notably the newly-formed Communist Spain. And when push comes to shove, when
mighty steam-powered Dreadnaughts just can't cut it, the British send in their
most terrible weapon to date. A loathsome leviathan of teeth, scale and muscle,
surging up from the time of the dinosaurs to sink entire battleships with one bite. He is Centurion the DINOSHARK!
Dinoshark’s origins are kinda complicated. We found the
original specimen frozen in Siberia at least a decade ago while Manhattan was
screaming about giant robots and shadow monsters, and tucked away some samples
of flesh and blood for later use. We didn’t think we’d actually need it until
the British called us up saying they had a slight Communist Spain problem, and
could we maybe send a little something over? It didn’t take us long to wip out
the culture dishes and get the splicers rolling, and we awaited the hatching
with the same glee Richard Attenborough showed on Jurassic Park. A decade
later, Dinoshark’s job was done, and now he’s fighting for his life and your
entertainment.
So, Dinoshark is about 13 metres (43 feet) long, and his teeth
alone reach up to lengths of 30 centimetres (12 in). He’s pretty much
everything you’d expect from an underwater predator of his calibre – he’s fast,
got terrifying turns of speed and likes to strike his opponents from below,
where they won’t be able to fight back. On top of that, his armoured body means
he’s impenetrable to most ballistic firearms, with only his throat and eyes
being his weakpoints. That said, he doesn’t do very well in cold waters,
turning sluggish if he says anywhere below tropical temperatures for too long,
and his prehistoric brain has trouble making quick decisions on the fly. But
who needs a big brain when you have teeth like those?
IN THE RED CORNER...
The Second Japanese Empire prides itself on self-sufficiency. It's success in cornering the fishing industry stems from jealously-guarded patches of water off the northern coast, where the warm tropical waters give birth to thousands of megashoals of the tastiest sea-life. So not only did they want a creature that could keep poachers, unlisenced fishing companies and America from nicking their bounty, they also wanted something that could be used as a cutesy mascot for their propaganda films and posters. Ladies and gentlemen, Daidako the GIANT OCTOPUS!
Trust the Japanese to commission something like this. Don’t
their comic books have enough of this kind of shit going on? Regardless, we at
GaiaCorp are never ones to judge, and what those fish-hoarding bureaucrats do
in their spare time is none of our concern. Scaling up your average octopus was
the easy bit – the hard part was mixing in the human stem cells in a way that
ensured the higher brain functions necessary to guard the megashoals from Japan’s
rivals, rather than a blobby mass of neurotic flesh like in that one anime I
watched once. Ugh, that was sick and twisted. What is up with those guys- oh,
yeah, this octopus has a human brain. Did I mention that?
Daidako is around 15 metres (49 feet) long, and most of
that consists of his tentacles. These things are his primary weapons – with these
he strangles, slaps and bludgeons anything that comes to close to his charges
or masters. Couple that with the amazing problem-solving skills of his enhanced
brain, and you have a creature that is not above using impromptu weapons or
improvising. However, being a mollusc means his body doesn’t have the hard
shell of most of our competitors, and he moves sluggishly in cold waters,
explaining why the Japanese use dry ice to keep him in suspended animation when
the shoals migrate. Hopefully, his smarts will make up for his weaknesses.
THE ARENA
The Pacific Ocean has long been considered neutral territory, despite what alliances and hostilities exist between countries. The stage of our battle takes place slap-bang in the middle of Section K, a designated no-go zone for most ships due to it's rather bad habit of barfing up giant volcanoes and the occasional fire-breathing monster. But it's here where the mighty megashoals congregate every summer, meaning the Japanese fishing fleets and Daidako run a great risk every time they venture out to collect more food for the growing empire. Such is the price of power.
So, adoring public, who will win this collosal clash of supersized sea-goers? Will it be Centurion, the Triassic Terror with dagger-like teeth and armoured hide? Or will it be Daidako, the Mammoth Mollusc with his enhanced, totally-legal-we-swear-to-god brain? Only your votes can decide the winner!
It's the year Ninteen Nintey Something, and we've got a crisis on our hands.
Major Failure's sudden dissappearance was like someone snatching our security blanket away and then setting it on fire. Not only did it mean that no more animal pugilism would be coming in any time soon, but it threw a lot of distrust against the Zoofights Foundation for such a ham-handed attempt at a cover-up. Why did they not tell us sooner? Did they ever intend to tell us at all? What other secrets were they hiding from us? The result was a mixture of panic and anger. Voices were raised, stones were thrown, and before long Gravitas and his snarling companion Enforcer Wolf found themselves struggling to hold back the tide of angry rioters.
There were many, of course, who said good riddance to all this. These were the people who never really approved of Major Failure's near-dictatorial grip on the entertainment industry, who were glad that the hippo had gone and left the companies to do their own thing free of their ties to Zoofights. Perhaps, they said, things would get back to how they used to be. Perhaps the ways of rampant captialism and corporate competition could flourish and bloom now that the many companies of the US no longer bowed to one man and his whims. But then again, these were the people who sympathized with the plight of the Sea-Algae farmers of Communist Spain, so what the fuck did they know?
Of course, with Zoofights out of the picture, the resulting scramble to capitalize on the gaping niche left over in the Prime Time slot was something fierce. The entire world tried to get in on the act, with more and more pale imitations springing up in the name of the opportunistic buck. Japan's Kaiju Daikessen cornered the market for city-destroying abominations, but little else, while Australia's Animal Arena failed to grasp the subtleties of what made the original so great. A gorilla with chainsaw arms is far more satisfying to watch than a chimp with hacksaw arms, after all. And not many people like kangaroos that much.
But there's one that we can't really put our finger on.
Monster Mash. The title's something you'd expect from a primary school kid's art project. But GaiaCorp's little pet project is something unique, at least - the monsters are owned by countries rather than corporations, and there's no idiotic amounts of money riding on them unless you count the plebs betting stupid amounts of their own life savings. More to the point, the creatures aren't crudely stitched-together hybrids in constant pain - they're genetically engineered by GaiaCorp's finest genetic engineers, with months and even years of DNA research gone into making these things. While that might not sound as appealing as the bleeding wrecks Zoofight's surgineers barfed up for us, it has a certain charm to it.
Like one of those shitty sci-fi straight-to-VHS movies or something.
As I sit here writing this, the T.V. in front of me is showing the seedings of the current contestants. Not as many as Zoofights, but what can you expect from a company that hides out in the backwarters of Hawaii in case Manhattan gets trampled by giant demon fairy robots or whatever's happening in that wacked-out shitehole?
Yes, I am doing this. What with Major Failure gone missing and all, we ZFRP'ers are kinda starved for animal-biffing-animal matches at the moment. And being the kind soul that I am, I'm going to have a crack at doing a similar thing over the next few months or so to try and tide you over. Except with SyFy's mutant monstrosities instead of tigers with muscly arms or something. So here we go.
Just like in Zoofights 6, you vote for which monsters you want to appear first based. Using that information, I'll create a bunch of showdowns for you to disagree heavily on, just like in the old days. Then I'll tally the votes and use that to decide which of the monsters wins. It's a basic tournament bracket, meaning there can be only one winner. Which one? YOU DECIDE?
Now, fair warning: I am no Major Failure. I don't think I could handle the same workload as he could before he left, not by a long shot. So unfortunately, there's no Losers League to decide the inevitable Godbeast our champion has to fight to become King of Beasts or anything, and there won't be as many fancy pictures, with more of a writing focus going around. So in that respect, it's more like the Kaiju War Chronicles or something.
That said, if you want to contribute anything, do feel free to contact me via my ZF PM's or the Chatzy. I'll accept pictures, Photoshops or even music suggestions. And if you want to try your hand at writing a battle, I'll let you have a go at it. Never let it be said I never shared my things with anyone.
