Here at GaiaCorp, we understand the importance of animal-based tusseling in mainstream television and the daily lives of our viewers. But recent customer surveys have shown that there has been a dramaic rise in interest for nautical battles. You, the public, crave the awe-inspiring sight of two mighty monsters of the deep struggling for supremacy! The swoosh of water, the flash of a fin or flipper, billowing blood clouds and the melancholy sight of a once-proud beast drifting to the bottom of the ocean as a limp, lifeless corpse! And who are we to argue with our public? A bunch of morally-questionable PhD-wavers, that's who! And so, because you fine folks demanded it, here come the contestants of our first match: THE PUNCH-UP IN THE PACIFIC!
IN THE BLUE CORNER...
The New United Kingdom is under constant siege by sea.
It's rapid expansion to devour frozen Denmark, the entirety of Old Ireland and
the nuclear-war-demolished France have earned it a grand list of enemies, most
notably the newly-formed Communist Spain. And when push comes to shove, when
mighty steam-powered Dreadnaughts just can't cut it, the British send in their
most terrible weapon to date. A loathsome leviathan of teeth, scale and muscle,
surging up from the time of the dinosaurs to sink entire battleships with one bite. He is Centurion the DINOSHARK!
Dinoshark’s origins are kinda complicated. We found the
original specimen frozen in Siberia at least a decade ago while Manhattan was
screaming about giant robots and shadow monsters, and tucked away some samples
of flesh and blood for later use. We didn’t think we’d actually need it until
the British called us up saying they had a slight Communist Spain problem, and
could we maybe send a little something over? It didn’t take us long to wip out
the culture dishes and get the splicers rolling, and we awaited the hatching
with the same glee Richard Attenborough showed on Jurassic Park. A decade
later, Dinoshark’s job was done, and now he’s fighting for his life and your
entertainment.
So, Dinoshark is about 13 metres (43 feet) long, and his teeth
alone reach up to lengths of 30 centimetres (12 in). He’s pretty much
everything you’d expect from an underwater predator of his calibre – he’s fast,
got terrifying turns of speed and likes to strike his opponents from below,
where they won’t be able to fight back. On top of that, his armoured body means
he’s impenetrable to most ballistic firearms, with only his throat and eyes
being his weakpoints. That said, he doesn’t do very well in cold waters,
turning sluggish if he says anywhere below tropical temperatures for too long,
and his prehistoric brain has trouble making quick decisions on the fly. But
who needs a big brain when you have teeth like those?
IN THE RED CORNER...
The Second Japanese Empire prides itself on self-sufficiency. It's success in cornering the fishing industry stems from jealously-guarded patches of water off the northern coast, where the warm tropical waters give birth to thousands of megashoals of the tastiest sea-life. So not only did they want a creature that could keep poachers, unlisenced fishing companies and America from nicking their bounty, they also wanted something that could be used as a cutesy mascot for their propaganda films and posters. Ladies and gentlemen, Daidako the GIANT OCTOPUS!
Trust the Japanese to commission something like this. Don’t
their comic books have enough of this kind of shit going on? Regardless, we at
GaiaCorp are never ones to judge, and what those fish-hoarding bureaucrats do
in their spare time is none of our concern. Scaling up your average octopus was
the easy bit – the hard part was mixing in the human stem cells in a way that
ensured the higher brain functions necessary to guard the megashoals from Japan’s
rivals, rather than a blobby mass of neurotic flesh like in that one anime I
watched once. Ugh, that was sick and twisted. What is up with those guys- oh,
yeah, this octopus has a human brain. Did I mention that?
Daidako is around 15 metres (49 feet) long, and most of
that consists of his tentacles. These things are his primary weapons – with these
he strangles, slaps and bludgeons anything that comes to close to his charges
or masters. Couple that with the amazing problem-solving skills of his enhanced
brain, and you have a creature that is not above using impromptu weapons or
improvising. However, being a mollusc means his body doesn’t have the hard
shell of most of our competitors, and he moves sluggishly in cold waters,
explaining why the Japanese use dry ice to keep him in suspended animation when
the shoals migrate. Hopefully, his smarts will make up for his weaknesses.
THE ARENA
The Pacific Ocean has long been considered neutral territory, despite what alliances and hostilities exist between countries. The stage of our battle takes place slap-bang in the middle of Section K, a designated no-go zone for most ships due to it's rather bad habit of barfing up giant volcanoes and the occasional fire-breathing monster. But it's here where the mighty megashoals congregate every summer, meaning the Japanese fishing fleets and Daidako run a great risk every time they venture out to collect more food for the growing empire. Such is the price of power.
So, adoring public, who will win this collosal clash of supersized sea-goers? Will it be Centurion, the Triassic Terror with dagger-like teeth and armoured hide? Or will it be Daidako, the Mammoth Mollusc with his enhanced, totally-legal-we-swear-to-god brain? Only your votes can decide the winner!
VOTE NOW!
Looks like a classic brains vs brawn match to start! I'm giving my vote to #Giant Octopus.
ReplyDeleteThe warm conditions of the Pacific Ocean give neither of the combatants an enviromental edge. Whilst Dinoshark is far tougher overall, with a more vicious attack against the fleshy body of Octopus and a harder skin, it's own preffered method of attack - from below - is basically charging at the Octopus' mouth. The Octopus also is far more intelligent and can plan on the fly, and with the dextrous tentacles, it should be simple for Octopus to simply encircle Dinoshark out of the range of the snapping maw and just hang on.
A big brain does a lot, but its not a perfect weapon. Who would win in a fight, an APC or Albert Einstein dual-wielding pool noodles? That's exactly what's happening here, and why #Dinoshark is going to take one home for Big Ben.
ReplyDeleteDinoshark's hide is impenetrable to bullets, and if Giant Octopus tries slapping and grabbing at it he's much more likely to injure himself than he is the prehistoric pummel machine. His brain means its likely that he'll catch onto the throat and eye weakness after a few hits, but will it be enough?
Dinoshark's on the other hand, is terrifyingly fast. Even with Giant Octopus' faster decision making, he is much more likely to score the first hit and get the hardest ones. To his dagger like teeth, Giant Octopus' thin tentacles are toys to play around with before the main course. Dinoshark's razorlike scale ridges should make any attempt at pulling him into Giant Octopus' mouth disastrous.
Finally, we have the consequence of a greater mind. It knows fear. In contrast Dinoshark knows eat, eat some more, and say "fuck you I'm a shark." While things are going well Giant Octopus will easily hold control of the match. If things go poorly, however, improvised fighting might turn hasty and panic might make Giant Octopus' attacks sloppy. A brain is a great asset, but when dealing with an apex predator how much help will it really be?
Unless somebody throws a harpoon cannon underwater. Then Giant Octopus would be packing some serious heat.
This fight reminds me of Widow Maker vs. Marlin the Magnificent. You got a tough, armored brute with a huge advantage in straight-up offense and defense, with a smaller, poorly armored but extremely smart opponent.
ReplyDeleteBrains are great when you've got cover and lots of tools to work with, but they're fighting in the middle of the ocean, where few props are guaranteed. The most likely weapon is a boat of some sort, which doesn't seem like quite enough.
The scenario Del suggests - involving Daidako getting onto Centurion's back - is the mollusk's best bet at victory. From that position he could perhaps strangle or snap the neck of Centurion, all while staying out of reach. Hell, this was pretty much Widow Maker's strategy to kill the marlin, and it worked. The hard part is actually getting to that position - and if he doesn't get there quickly, he's done for.
I'm thinking #Giant Octopus might be able to scheme up a way to get there in time - probably involving ink and camouflage, the octopus' best stealth abilities. If he can get on the monster's back, there's precious little Centurion can do about it, and with his low intelligence there's even fewer options he'd actually think of trying.
Gotta go with #Dinoshark.
ReplyDeleteA brain and problem solving abilities are awesome, except when you're in the middle of the ocean and thus without any tools or weapons to take advantage of them. In the meantime, the shark is big, plated, angry, and has enough natural weapons to have a definite advantage.
Hell, even if the octopus succeeds in entangling Dinoshark, one wrong move near it's mouth and it's missing an arm. Blood and thunder \m/
#Giant Octopus is gonna beat that shark's ass/tailfin. As has been said, the shark has armor, superior weapons and is probably a LOT faster than Octobro over here. Speed and armor start to break down when it comes to quick thinking and flexibility. Another advantage he has is his tentacles, which not only allow him to grab onto the dinoshark but also let him to suction on for strong traction to his opponent's bulky body. As has been mentioned, the ink and camo are also great boons that'll allow him to Ratonhnhaké:ton into just the right position to ride dinoshark like a rodeo bull, and I have a feeling this bull will end up getting boiled what with all those volcanoes.
ReplyDeleteI looked up the Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus battle on YouTube. The octopus was strong enough to actually stop the shark in its tracks, gripping it so it couldn't swim. He also had so much power in his arms that it either crushed the shark to death or snapped its' spine, hard to tell. Either way, he killed the shark.
ReplyDeleteHowever, he then immediately died himself because the shark had bitten him in the head and caused serious blood loss, so yeah this could go either way. But the octopus is not just a strong mind - he's got some serious offense, too, and enough speed/maneuverability to repeatedly get to the shark's side. It's his defense that's lacking, and that's what Dinoshark absolutely must capitalize on if he wants a win here.
VOTING IS NOW CLOSED! For those who didn't get to vote, don't worry - there's still more fights to come!
ReplyDelete