So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, and also as a result of some delusional mind-fever brought about by our Chatzy conversations, I give you this thing which I spent way too long in writing. Hopefully it's faithful to the style of ShakespeareHemmingway's original Garfield tales, because I literally cannot bring myself to write like this ever again. Even for the sake of tribute or parody. I mean, I'm probably going to have to try and re-learn my original writing style after this, because I may have forgotten how to write well during this thing.
Here goes.
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It was dark stormy night in Hell. Fire leapt from spouts of darkness as lava and pitch pubbled in pools for tormenting of wicked souls. All throughout dark caverns sinful souls howled with agony as demons tormented them with sharp forks and poles.
In dark throne room of hell three figures had gathered for plotting. They wore heavy cloaks and hoods for concealing so no-one would recognize them.
"So we all agree, we are sick of dealing with his so-called manliness," Said one figure with leadership.
"Yes, he is threat to evil all over world, not even M.Bison was able to stop him," Shouted second figure with shaking of fist.
"I have score to settle with stupid orange cat, this plan cannot be failing," Cackled third figure with dastardliness.
"Then it is settled," said first figure with determination, and three figures put hands together for evil alliance as they shouted into air with dark anger.
"GARFIELD MUST DIE!!!"
Garfield was at home in high security training room. He was punching bag made of iron with fists of fury.
"The metal of this bag is no match for the metal of my bones," Quipped Garfield with cleverness as he punched bag with mighty fists splitting it open. The bag was full of lasagna and Garfield quickly ate all of it like real man.
"A true man like me works for his meals," Said Garfield with philosophy.
Just then Jon Arbuckle came in with emergency news.
"Garfield I has important news, there is mysterious package lying outside with mysteriousness," Said Jon Arbuckle with worryings.
"Do not be sobbing like baby, I will investigate," Said Garfield with consolings.
Garfield left training room with great speed and went to front door. Outside was mysterious package with no label, wrapped up in chains made of adamantium and diamond. With lightning speed Garfield ripped open chains as if they were made of paper but package was empty.
"What is this?" Roared Garfield with angry voice as he put paw inside package for searchings.
Suddenly swirling black portal opened up and Garfield was sucked inside. Evil laughter came from package with rumblings like thunder as package closed shut.
"This is terrible, I must be finding help!" Cried Jon Arbuckle with fear. Jon Arbuckle boarded his jet and took off with maximum burn for finding help.
Meanwhile Garfield had fallen into dark slumber, but like real man he soon woke up. Garfield awoke to find himself in massive cage for imprisonment surrounded by moat of lava. Awful demons flew above Garfield with pitchforks and firey breath and laughed at our hero with tauntings.
"WHAT IS THIS TREACHERY?!" Bellowed Garfield with ragings as he punched bars of cage with mighty fists. Garfield punched with strength of true man but cage did not break or bend.
Suddenly laughter of great evil rang through dark room. As Garfield looked around he saw three dark figures standing at edge of moat with mysteriousness.
"They call you a true man Garfield, yet you cannot break out of simple cage? This is funniness!" Said one figure with insults.
"Stop your coward sniveling and show me your faces," Demanded Garfield with anger.
The three figures then suddenly tore off their hoods with dramatic revealings. It was Bowser Hitler and Satan!
"THIS CANNOT BE!" Cried Garfield with horror. He thought he had beaten Hitler many years ago with triumph, but here Hitler was again with new evil Nazi schemes! How could this be so?
"We are tired of losing to you all the time, so we have brought you into Hell for final test of your manliness," Roared Bowser with mocking.
"We have made with genius the most terrible obstacle course known to man or beast, not even you can traverse it and live," Cackled Hitler with vengeance.
"And once you are dead, I shall take over whole planet and become absolute ruler! All men will bow to my power!" Howled Satan with triumph.
The three villains laughed with evil as they vanished into shadows like ghosts. Cage door unlocked and swung open for to become bridge over lava moat. Garfield sat in cage with stunned horror, but real man does not feel fear for long and like real man Garfield soon recovered.
"These cowards want to do away with me like piece of trash, they are scared to face real man. They have dealt their hand, now I must play mine," Mused Garfield with thoughts.
Garfield stood up and walked out of his cage for manly heroism, he would not let Bowser, Hitler and Satan get away with insulting words. Cage bars were now white-hot from heat but Garfield was not flinching and walked across with no problem.
"They think they have me caught like a mouse, but they will find they have caught a man," Declared Garfield with bravery.
Meanwhile, Jon Arbuckle was flying in jet across oceans and oceans looking for help.
"I have to keep looking, it is the only way I can help Garfield," Said Jon Arbuckle with determination.
Soon Jon Arbuckle flew higher and higher until he was higher than tallest clouds. Jon Arbuckle did not stop and kept flying higher until he was near edge of space and all the land was small like ant beneath him. Soon Jon Arbuckle saw great flying spaceship shaped like horse hovering in sky and knew he had found whom he was seeking.
"The Space Stallions are being old friends of Garfield. They are the only ones who can help," Said Jon Arbuckle with bravery as he flew faster and faster towards mighty spaceship. Spaceship grew bigger and bigger but Jon Arbuckle did not slow down and jet crashed through front door with radical explosion.
"Hope they don't mind gate crashers," Quipped Jon Arbuckle with cleverness.
Jon Arbuckle then parked his jet in hangar with skill and climbed out just as the Space Stallions came in for invesigations. They were Sun Ray, Ion Ray, X-Ray and Optica.
"Who are you and why have you broken our nice new door?" Demanded Ion Ray with angry words.
"I am Jon Arbuckle, and I need your help. Surely you remember Garfield?" Asked Jon Arbuckle with concern.
"Garfield? He was being my best friend in high school! What has happened?" Cried Sun-Ray with worrying.
"Did you not sense it? Garfield was kidnapped with evil intentions, we must find him!" Cried Jon Arbuckle with explanations.
"Not Garfield! I have always ached for his macho charm and now he is in danger!" Wailed Optica with sorrow.
"We must waste no time, Mother Mustang is telling me Garfield was taken to Hell," Roard X-Ray with revelations.
"But I cannot go there, my jet does not go underground," Said Jon Arbuckle with worryings.
"You will not need jet, the only transport we need is our iron wills," Said Sun Ray with manly leadership.
Jon Arbuckle and Space Stallions walked out of hangar and onto deck of mighty space ship. The air was being cold like arctic winter but Jon did not complain for he did not want to seem like weak baby. As they walked onto deck with purpose Sun Ray gave Jon Arbuckle talisman with magical powers.
"You will need this, it is the only way we are getting into Hell," Said Sun Ray with helpfulness.
Jon Arbuckle took talisman and put it around his neck. Suddenly Jon Arbuckle felt as if he were made of hardest metals and did not feel cold at all. Jon Arbuckle and Space Stallions walked to edge of deck for jumping.
"To get to darkest depths, you must first jump from heighest hights," Quipped Jon Arbuckle with manliness.
"Now you are being like true man," Said Ion Ray with encouraging.
Space Stallions and Jon Arbuckle linked hands with bravey. Then with mighty shout of "AMAKOOOOOOOO" all five leapt from deck of mighty spaceship for base jumping! They fell for many hours through cold of space to Earth but did not feel cold. Then they entered atmosphere and began glowing with firey re-entry heat but did not feel pain. They fell faster and faster with hastenings for to reach Garfield before evil villains won terrible battle.
Meanwhile Garfield was walking through Hell with intentions to face dastardly villains. The road to obstacle course was many thounsands of miles long and full of sharp stones but Garfield was not fazed. Evil demons flew down and whipped Garfield with whips for tormenting but Garfield was real man and did not feel pain.
"You will never win Garfield. Our master is too strong and obstacle course is most evil known to man," Laughed demons with mockery.
"Even evil must bow to true man eventually," Retorted Garfield with heroism.
Soon Garfield came to evil obstacle course for final battle. Obstacle Course was full of terrible traps and horrendous hazards for killing and torment and monsters roamed path with hunger! On far side of obstacle course was Bowser and Hitler sitting in thrones for watching.
"I designed this course myself for Mario, you can never pass through it," Roared Bowser with gloating.
"I hear turtle soup is on menu tonight,," Said Garfield with threats. Garfield glared at Bowser with intentions and Bowser fell silent with fear.
"Enough of your talking, it is time for dying," Shouted Hitler with demands.
Garfield stood up like man and began to walk through first part of obstacle course. There were many spikes for skewering and lava pits for burning but Garfield was not fazed and walked across without pain. There ware also many fireballs leaping out of lava but Garflield did not feel pain anf kept on walking until he had reached other side of course.
"WHAT IS THIS?!" Roared Bowser in disbelief.
"Did you not pay attention in evil school? Man muscles are fireproof," Quipped Garfield with triumph.
"SILENCE! You will be going through second part of course now!" Shrieked Hitler with impatience.
Garfield walked towards second part of course which was giant black pit more than fifty miles wide. The pit was full of giant demon snakes which squirmed and hissed with hunger and vengeance. On one side of pit was cape feather for jumping across.
"Cape feathers are for sissies and girls," said Garfield with witticisms as he leapt across pit in single bound. Demon snakes rose up from pit for attacking but Garfield grabed every single one and tied them in knots for silencing.
"Looks like you're tied up for a while," quipped Garfield with cleverness as he landed on other side of pit.
"NO-ONE HAS BEFORE CROSSED EVIL PIT," Cried Bowser with terror. Bowser began to sweat like roast turkey and hid behind throne with cowardice.
"You have done well Garfield but you go no further. This is where you die!" Laughed Hitler with ominousness.
"Have you not learned from last fight? I beat you once before and I will beat you again like Nazi child," Retorted Garfield with bravery.
"Get him you fools!" Ordered Hitler to monsters.
At evil Nazi command monsters all ran at Garfield for fighting. Many chain chomps rushed at Garfield but were beaten back by manly fists of fury. Many Nazi soldiers also shot at Garfield but manly muscles deflected bullets.
"Get along little doggie," Quipped Garfield with cleverness as he picked up chain chomp and threw it at Nazi soldiers with manliness. Chain chomp hit Nazis like bowling ball and sent them scattering like ninepins into lava for burning death.
"Perfect strike as always," Said Garfield with satisfaction.
Bowser could not stay in room with true man any longer. Bowser leapt from behind throne and begann running out of room with cowardly shrieking.
"Do not be running away from justice," Said Garfield as he drew his Desert Eagle and shot Bowser in head with perfect aim. Bowser fell to ground with blood pouring from hole in head, dying with instantaneousness. Suddenly, Hitler stood in Garfield's way for challenging.
"Bowser was always being a coward. Your fight is with me and I shall have my vengeance!" Shrieked Hitler with rage as he tore off cloak to reveal cyborg body of Nazi evil.
Garfield looked at Hitler with eyes of seeing and spoke with words of saying.
"You are still a glutton for punishment. But do not be worrying, for punishment is fifty percent off," Garfield said as he raised his two fists for fighting.
Suddenly Hitler's eyes began glowing red with evil. As Garfield watched with horror, lighting cracked with power as Hitler's hair began turning gold with absolute power. Hitler was not only being a cyborg but he was also being Super Saiyan!
"Foolish cat! Satan made me a Super Saiyan Cyborg for purpose of defeating you!" Thundered Hitler with triumph.
Garfield lunged at Hitler for fighting and punched with manly might. Fists of fury pounded at Hitler with lighting speed but Hitler did not fall!
"WHAT." Roard Garfield with disbelief.
"Now prepare to die!" Laughed Hitler with triumph as he charged at Garfield for fighting. For first time Garfield felt pain as Hitler punched with mighty iron fists and kicked with mighty iron feet. Hitler kicked Garfield into sky then teleported behind with power to punch Garfield down into mountainside. Hitler then shot at Garfield with wrist-mounted chainguns and energy blasters with shooting, and Garfield was buried by mountainside.
"It is over Garfield! You have finally lost to me!" Shrieked Hitler with winning.
"It is never over as long as true men like me still walk the planet. You will not get away with this," Spat Garfield with hatred.
"I already have! Now die!" Hitler roared as he raised his arms. Mighty Death Ball glowed in Hitler's hands with power and began to grow with great speed.
Suddenly familiar voice was heard by all.
"AMAKOOOOOOOO."
It was Jon Arbuckle base jumping from edge of sky with Space Stallions. They broke through crust of Earth with eagle speed and had arrived in Hell for final confrontation. Ion Ray swung his hammer with power and knocked Death Ball from Hitler's hands as X-Ray used laser power to stun Hitler with paralysis.
"WHAT." Cried Hitler with outrage.
"Quickly! We must give Garfield power to defeat Hitler!" Cried Sun Ray with leadership.
Jon Arbuckle took out lasagna guitar and began playing rocking awesome guitar solo with riffs. Sun Ray transformed his sword into epic keytar and began playing epic keytar melody with support. Jon Arbuckle and Sun Ray played epic song for giving Garfield power, and song they played was:
"Oh Babe when I see your eyes
It is making my pants rise
The feeling is out of control
From my lovin there is no parole
Love Is Lasagna
Food that is Feeding my soul
Love Is Lasagna
It is not no casserole
Oh Babe I am at the end of my ropes
I want to taste your sweet cantaloupes
Your body is buffet of desire
In bedroom I will never tire
Love is Lasagna
We will be melting like Mozzarella cheese
Love is Lasagna
My appetite only you can appease
Oh babe you are delicious like lasagna feast
I will devour your body whole like beast
Lonely Man Walking Lonely Path Alone
Now we are together all night we will moan
Love is Lasagna
One serving is never enough
Love is Lasagna
You are knowing I like it rough
Love is Lasagna
Soft and gooey give me one more slice
Love is Lasagna
I will be taking you to paradise"
Mountanside shook with power as metal and keytar music flowed through Garfield with strength. With mighty punch, Garfield emerged from rubble with heroic pose and glowing fur.
"My kind of song. Thank you Sun Ray old friend, you were being just in time," Said Garfield with thanks.
"Not a problem Garfield, anything for true man," Said Sun Ray with happiness.
"WHAT IS THIS." Shrieked Hitler with terror.
Garfield leapt into sky with jump jet speed and grabbed Hitler with manly strength. Hitler shook and squired like jelly worm but Garfield was not letting go.
"Time to take you for a spin," Quipped Garfield with wit as he spun Hitler around with one arm. Garfield spun Hitler faster and faster with speed and was not slowing down.
"Stop, Garfield! I am feeling like windmill," Cried Hitler with defeat.
"You have been going stale, old friend. Like I said, I prefer Nazis well done," Said Garfield with final as he threw Hitler down into boiling lava.
"NOOOOOOO" Cried Hitler with pain as he splashed into lava and was burned with heat.
"Oh Garfield, I was so worried for your rugged good looks! Are you alright?" Cried Optica with relief as she embraced Garfield with loving.
"I am alright, my cosmic chickpea. It takes more than fire and spikes to dent a real man," Consoled Garfield with casualness.
Suddenly great fire appeared in middle of room. It was Satan carrying decorated lasagna cake for apologies.
"You really are true man Garfield, I see I was wrong to challenge you," Said Satan with apologies as he gave lasagna cake to Garfield.
"You are worthy opponent Satan, we should be doing this again," Said Garfield with laughter as he took gift with thanking.
"But I could never have defeated Hitler without helping. Thank you all for coming with speed," said Garfield with thanks.
"It is no problem, Garfield. Now, let us go home to be celebrating," Said Jon Arbuckle with cheer.
"And we must be having a celebration of our own, Garfield. I have been away from your manliness for too long," said Optica with seduction.
"Very well, I will be making you scream to the stars," Said Garfield with winking.
And so Satan created another portal that took our heroes back home with speed. There was many partying with happiness, and Garfield cut lasagna cake for sharing. Then Garfield and Optica went to Garfield's room for to make sweet lovings. As nights came into evenings they made love like bees make honey sweet gooey and full of nutrition.
The end...?
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Ugh. This actually hurt to write, and no-one is more glad to get this over with than I am. In fact, I don't bl;ame you if you decide to hate me for writing this thing. But I hope you appreciate it for what it's trying to be - a gift from a nerdy Brit to his nerdy American friends for a holiday he doesn't celebrate because he's British. Now, if you excuse me, I need to apply for English courses in order to recover before filing a patent for Super Saiyan Cyber Hitler.
Blog post of the millennium.
ReplyDeleteSk, you have filled me with ideas.
ReplyDeleteHorrible
Horrible
Ideassssss