We'll be frank, sports fans - sometimes, we at GaiaCorp get a little short-changed. Funding gets tightened up, workers are demotivated despite being able to mess about with the fabric of life itsef and we end up with a lack of imagination being thrown about. The monsters on display tonight are kind of a product of these motivational and financial slumps - they don't have firey breath or crystal skin or anything like that. But never let it be said we don't make the best of what we have, and the upcoming battle we have planned is designed to do just that! Tonight, seemingly ordinary supersized animals show they're anything but as they duke it out for the right to become the true King of Monsters! And it's all happening right here in THE MEGA MELEE IN MALIBU!
IN THE BLUE CORNER...
We're not exactly sure when India suddenly became a world superpower. But we know exactly how they did it - the sudden spread of a wild new religion like orange juice spilling on the kitchen counter. And the creed of the newly formed Indian Vatican revolves around one deity in particular. A giagantic serpent that hides in the darkest jungles of the subcontinent and devours sinners and naughty children. A god that can judge your soul by looking at you. A living, breathing incarnation of Yin and Yang - hatched in GaiaCorp's labs under the name of Raja the MEGA PYTHON!
So yeah,
the Indians have this really weird thing about snakes.
On the one hand, they’re the children of God who wound themselves around the baby
Jesus to keep him warm. On the other hand, they’re demons who
suck the souls out of bad children and live in dark forests – it’s complicated.
But when they asked us to make a really big snake, we didn’t argue with them,
especially when they had an entire nation of hitmen at their beck and call.
This isn’t just a big snake – it’s a perfect fusion of reticulated python and Titanoboa DNA, a hybrid of proportions
so massive you need an entire fleet of helicopters to carry it about. The fuel
costs for those trips are abominable, trust us.We're not kidding about the size, either - Mega Python reaches an impressive length of 21 metres (69 feet), longer than his ancestors, and has the kind of gape that could swallow a subway train whole. As a constrictor, his coils deliver impressive crushing strength to anything caught between them, and his teeth are also capable of inflicting nasty damage. He's at home in both the water and on the land, and cam move with lighting speed when needed. That said, like Dinoshark before him, Mega Python doesn't like the cold, and unlike Dinoshark he needs to breath air, so staying underwater for extended periods is taxing for him. But still, this is one snake you don't want Steve Irwin to meet.
IN THE RED CORNER...
Oh, America. What can you say about them that hasn't already been said? Well, you can say they're trying to improve, after the whole martial law debacle that resulted in the Arbiters. You could also say that they're kind of an empire now, since Canada and Alaska no longer exist on the map. And you could say that they really, really don't want anyone else finding out about their oil supplies off the coast and nicking the stuff for themselves. It takes a special kind of watchdog to keep an eye on the country's coastline, and that just so happens to be Tiburon the MEGA SHARK!
Okay, this is gonna be awkward - what do you do when messing around with prehistoric shark genes suddenly creates this thing? Because that's what happened to us, and so we kinda gave it to the American Empire on the off-chance they neded a giant fuck-off shark, and like typical Americans they said yes. But the thing is, this isn't your ordinary ressurected Megalodon - we think there might be some lungfish and barracuda in there. We honestly weren't paying attention when we were mixing up the culture dishes on that day. But Mega Shark just sounds so much more impressive than "Mega-Mish-Mash-of-Fish", doesn't it?
At 16 metres, (53 feet) Mega Shark may be shorter in length than Mega Python, but size isn't a problem here. See, the shark's main weapon is it's massive mouth, full of teeth around 180 millimetres (1.7 inches) in length, designed for slicing through flesh in one bite. The creature also has unusually durable skin for a seagoing creature, and thanks to the lungfish DNA we may or may not have accidentally mixed in, it can crawl on land for short spaces of time. That said, it can't actually stay on land for long, and it has the rather unfortunate problem all sharks have - it literally suffocates if it stays still for too long, as it has to keep moving to breathe.
THE ARENA
As the title suggests, we're holding this fight on the shores of Malibu. It's still the ever popular tourist destination it was, but it's kind of suffering from civil war problems at the moment, meaning a lot of people have ended up building ramshackle slum villages after government forces wrecked their old homes. Still, that means we should get some nice flying debris as the two monsters duke it out, and maybe you might be able to snap a commemorative picture of the event just before you and your family get flattened. It'll be the best holiday of your life, trust us.
And now, sports fans - who will walk away victorious? The Sacred Serpent with a crushing embrace and a hunger for naughty children? The Cruel Charcharodon with serrated teeth and bewilderingly inexplicable air-breathing powers? Cast your bets now, folks, because sharkfin soup and snake steaks are on special offer when you bet over $500!
VOTE NOW!
This was a surprisingly tough one. Both of these brawlers are simple yet brutal. Both of them are fast when they need to be, hit like trains, and stronger in their element than out of it. After much thought, however, I have to go with #Mega Python.
ReplyDeleteMega Shark can't handle being restrained, which is Mega Python's main strategy as a constricting snake. Its length of 69 feet and massive weight make it capable of smashing Mega Shark's windpipe even more easily than Giant Octopus, who previously choked the shark to death despite bleeding to death. While I doubted its ability in water due to being a snake, it is "at home in both water and land." If it can resurface, and with a neck taller than most shorelines it usually can, than it will have a definite handle on the battle.
Its jaws and muscles are probably larger than the shark's due to its size, so if all else fails the python can just rip Mega Shark out of the water and deal with his inexplicably land-breathing foe with much more ease.
This clash of the titans took me a whole day to reach a decision on, but it'll be the Python's turn to take home the gold.
This is another good matchup with two worthy beasts. After giving it some thought I have decided to join Spy in supporting #Raja the Mega Python.
ReplyDeleteThe snake happens to be a specialist in the field of grappling due to being a constrictor. Grappling is the shark's weakness - since he must swim constantly to breathe, he prefers a hit-and-run approach. If the snake can anchor against something and apply those coils, Mega Shark will be in serious trouble. Making it easier for Raja is his surprising proficiency in water - while Tiburon is at a significant disadvantage if the battle moves to the shallows or the beach, Raja is equally mobile in and out of the water - reticulated pythons are accomplished swimmers. While not as aquatic as the more famous anaconda, the reticulated python likes to live near water, can use it as an ambush or hiding spot, and can cross the ocean to colonize islands. His only weaknesses in water are lungs and possibly dulled senses (as he will likely not have complete adaptation to water for his eyes, etc).
The shark definitely has the stronger jaws, but the python isn't the type to kill by biting anyway - its' real weapon is its' body, which is probably strong enough to avoid being chopped in two by the shark, at least in one bite (both sharks and snakes are horrifyingly durable bastards in the right circumstances). While the shark tries to rip into him, the rest of his body can begin looping around the shark, and by the time he realizes he can't move, it's too late.
Tiburon will want this fight to finish quickly, while the snake is playing the long game. A ton of power immediately versus a long, drawn-out squeeze. WHO WILL WIN?!
#Mega Python's amphibiousness, strength and ability to contrsit the movement of Megashark will be far more useful here. Basically everyone has articulated the issue better than I have, so... XD
ReplyDeleteWE ARE SORRY TO ANNOUNCE THAT VOTES ARE CLOSED! NO MORE VOTING!
ReplyDeleteAlso that offer on Shark Fin Soup and Python Stake still stands! Order now while you place your bets at McReynold's!