Hmm... Quiet day in the office today. I was sure there was some newcomer I was meant to interview, but maybe they decided not to come in. I mean, God knows Dampierre is taking ages to-
CRASH
"HA'WAAAAAAY THA' LAAAAAADS!"
"Wha' d'yer think o' that, eh? Canny entrance fer a canny lass!"
Did you have to destroy half my office to pull it off!? And look what you did to my desk!
"Ah, git ower yersel', bonnie lad! Ain't nowt te be afeared on! Bit o' polish ought te fix it oop! Noo, let's git this started already!"
Ugh... alright. Take a sea-
CRUNCH
...that was mahogany.
"Aa divvent care, laddie~"
...Let's just get this over with.
1. Who are you and where do you come from?
"Ach, as i' ye needed te ax! Barbara Bloodaxe, Croon Princess o' the Enchanted Forest! Dowtah o' Greet Red Ronnie Bloodaxe, son o' Victor Bloodaxe! Born o'er hill an' dale, an' a true-blue barbarian! Aye, we're no' leik them other royal fowks up in Orvance, bunch o' bloody hoits. We's fightin' fowk, right doon te me Uncle Rodney - gissies an axe and a bunch o' scunners te lace an' we're nivvor happier!"
...Lace?
"Te bash, laddie! Bash a heed i' like an eggshell!"
Sorry I asked.
2. Are you an Original Character? If not, what are you from?
"Pfff, whut d'yer tyek me for, laddie? Sum bloody Kingdom 'Arts reject on Deviantart? Nae, Aa'm from Rayman Legends - bonnie, honest platformin' leik in the ol' days!"
No kidding? I love that game! Been trying to beat the Invasions for ages!
"Tha' would explain why Aa kept fallin' in a fire all o' one week."
...Um.
3. What are you particularly good at?
"Drinkin' and fightin'. An' sometimes fightin' and drinkin'! Not tae mention runnin' and cuddy-ridin'. Mam sez a gel o' my age ought te be croppin' Goblin pyets off wi' the lads, an' who am Aa te argie? Any scunner so much as keeks at me funny, Aa byeut him i' the cobblers! Oh, and Aa ken cyuk a canny meat pie, too!"
...Anything else?
"Aa ken burp mah A-B-C's."
Of course you can.
4. What do you like and dislike?
"Leiks is easy. Drinkin' mesel' daft, byestin' heeds in an' any kind o' adventure ye ken putt at me. A sharp axe, a fair wind through me hair, a bottle o' mead in one hand and Aa'm a happy gel."
And what about your disl-
"Goblins. Canna stand the seit o' em. Ugly buggers, tramplin' errythin' leik a buncha footie 'ooligans. Kill 'em all, sez I. Orcs is even worse."
...right, moving on.
"Aa also divvent leik salt in me hasty-puddin', warm ale or a messy bed."
5. Why do you think you should appear in Zoofights RP 2014?
"Gandie at it this-a-ways, hinny. D'yer rather want that fookin' candyman Dampy-ear or whutever stinkin' tha' boozah wi' his swanky duds? Or that yammerin' wolf, or the daft bookworm? Stick wi' me, laddie, and we'll all be champion - yew, me an' the whole pack o' em! Swiggin' mead and hoyin' goblins i' a fire come Chrismas! Jest don't expect me te be fallin' fer any lad or lass tha' comes along - Aa still gots me life aheed o' me, an' Aa plans te enjoy it!"
Thank you very much. That was... enlightening.
"Taa verra much, hinny! HADAWAAAAAAY!"
Wait, mind the-
SMASH
...aaaaargh.
fuckin beautiful
ReplyDeleteThanks. :)
DeleteThis made me smile.
ReplyDelete